Everything Else

He’s Marian Hossa and You’re Not – 81 to the Rafters, and Hawks Lose to Penguins 5-3

By Summer Corson 187

Last night was a special night for Hawks fans, and this wrap should start off with what’s most important—Marian Hossa getting his number retired, the greatest free agency signing ever, is fucking awesome. It’s why everyone was there—the stadium is half-empty all the other nights. It was as classy as they could make it, with the Hawks bringing back just about everyone who hasn’t had their name permanently disgraced for good reason. Hossa confirmed via anecdote that hockey players think for about half a second about what their jersey number is gonna be and yet his 81 will rightfully become a number that will never be worn again, as part of an elite group that future generations will look up to and regard as one of hockey’s greatest.

You’ve probably heard it surmised a hundred times by this point, especially since everyone else published this article 2 days ago, but Hossa permanently changed the Hawks with his free signing, turning them from a very very good team to an elite team. None of the Cups would’ve been won without him. What people may not want to recognize (and don’t worry, I try to block this out too) is that the Hawks were never the same after he retired. There was nobody to replace his two-way prowess, as much as Ryan Hartman surely tried. And the Hawks haven’t made the playoffs since outside of the fever dream I recognize as the 2020 play-in round. Hossa was a generational talent, one of the greatest two-way players ever, a Hall of Famer, and his jersey getting retired is more than just well-earned. The Hossa-Toews-Saad/Sharp line was my favorite line to watch, mostly because you knew they were going to outskill the opposing line on both ends of the ice and the Hawks were gonna score a goal.

The Hawks almost pulled out a win for Hossa against Pittsburgh, and they certainly battled until the very end to get one for him, but at the end of the day shoddy defense kept that from happening. There were a solid 17 seconds of elation before the Crosby goal was scored, though, and that’s as exciting as it’s gonna get for this generation of Hawks fans, for now. To the bullets!

11/20 – Hawks 3, Penguins 5
Box Score
Game Log
Natural Stat Trick

  • Caleb Jones’s play is just as awful in person as it is on my screen at 1AM when I’m usually watching these games. He couldn’t keep the puck in the offensive zone and was also directly responsible for Pittsburgh’s game-winning goal seconds after we tied it in the 3rd while completely facing the wrong direction. I’m not sure why he was the defenseman Luke Richardson called to action in the dying minutes of this losing game, but considering the overall plan is to tank and lose, Richardson probably thinks he’s just doing what needs to be done. That doesn’t mean I won’t LOUDLY OBJECT EVERY TIME IT HAPPENS THOUGH.
  • The Kurashev/Toews/Raddysh line wasn’t very good to start things off, especially in giving up the first goal for the Penguins seconds into the game. It wasn’t until Kurashev himself was able to redeem himself with the tying goal in the 3rd and when Toews was moved to a different line that I was feeling better about these guys. Together, they were just about invisible.
  • Daydream Nation was reunited and it was a good move on Richardson’s part as Patrick Kane was able to net his 3rd goal of the season (let’s not talk about it) from a nifty feed from Toews—just usual Hall of Famer shit. A shakeup of the lineup was necessary when the Penguins went up 3-0 in order for the Hawks to not look totally pathetic in front of the 13+ Stanley Cup champs in the building. And in a vintage effort by both, Kane and Toews together did just that.
  • For the love of all that is holy, please slot in Ian Mitchell for a few more games. Despite getting outskated on the Penguins’ second goal, I give him credit because was the only D-man in the immediate area at all. (I am also putting 100% of the blame on Crosby’s GWG on Amy’s Youngest, who I would like punted into the sun.) Considering how highly Mitchell was regarded as a prospect for years and years it seems, we need to see more of what he’s got. Give him a chance.
  • Whenever the Hawks gave up the puck to the Penguins in their defensive zone in this game, it seemed like Arvid Soderblom had quite literally no defensive help. I can’t blame some of these goals on Soderblom, especially since Sidney Crosby has made a whole career out of making goaltenders look like dunces, but when you’re only faced with 24 shots all game, you need to save more than 20 of them. However, he did have a few flashy saves during the game that reminded me of better days, and I’m hoping with some more experience and defensive help ahead of him he will turn into a solid goaltender.
  • Duncan Keith’s jersey retirement better be next, Danny.

Finally, to wrap things up, I went through the FFUD online archive and found a few quotes that I really think show who Hossa was as a player, in a way only this fair website can describe:

“Hossa’s shootout goal was a great fuck you moment. Yeah, he could have gone all Kane like and deked and wristed. But slapshots are way more fun.”

“The conclusion drawn here is that when a forward hits 30, his scoring starts to show a pretty serious drop. Unless your name is Marian Hossa, it seems.”

“But like a gangland style execution, Marian Hossa put a bullet in the brain of any hope the Kings might have had with a brilliant wrister off a rush at the top of the right circle through a defenseman’s legs and past Quick on the short side.”

“Sometimes you forget just how good Marian Hossa is. Last night was another example of him simply being a monster. He can skip all the damn morning skates he wants if he keeps having games like that.”

Hockey

Where’s Your Crown, King Nothing? – Blackhawks lose to Wild and Islanders Preview

By Summer Corson 187

The scariest thing happening on the ice this Halloween was far and away the Hawks’ defense or lack thereof against the Wild on Sunday. It was recently announced that Amy’s Eldest broke his thumb blocking a shot on Saturday night and is out approximately 3-4 weeks. So the Hawks gave one of the Johnson simulations a promotion all the way to the top pairing and gave us a middling at best defensive effort against the Wild—though it was an effort given while short a D-man, respectively. It was only by the grace of God that this team was able to grab a point. To the bullets!

10/30 – Hawks 3, Wild 3 (Hawks lose their last $6 to a pool shark)
Box Score
Game Log
Natural Stat Trick

  • Jake McCabe continues to exhaust me on a nightly basis. Tonight he was able to put his usual annoying gameplay on pause to open the scoring and give the Hawks a 1-0 lead thanks to a wrister from the point. But then seconds later he lost his stick in a puck battle to the Wild because he just had to be THE BIG HIT GUY who DELIVERS BIG HITS. This utterly nonsensical play led directly to the Wild easily moving right around McCabe and Matt Boldy scoring to tie the game. After the few things he does right, he will automatically remind you about all the things he does wrong.
  • Never this season did I think I’d see Toews’s give-a-shit meter be higher than Kane’s, but for this game it was definitely Toews sticking with it and taking as many offensive chances as he could get. Although he only had one goal to show for it, it was a game-tying goal where he went five-hole on old friend Marc-Andre Fleury. Now leading the team in goals, those chances have obviously paid off for the captain. Kane, however, looks like he couldn’t care less, which isn’t very helpful when the Hawks are down a goal. Maybe he’s just REALLY committed to Kyle Davidson’s tanking plan.
  • It was a very nifty play by Kane and lots of quick maneuvering by Athanasiou that should be commended for the 3rd Hawks goal that turned into the big highlight of the night. I think it would’ve been awesome had Connor Murphy and Jarred Tinordi not left Matt Boldy once again all alone seconds after the goal was scored to easily fake out Alex Stalock and score on a wide-open net.
  • There was plenty of roughhousing between the Hawks and Wild—the fast, skilled Hawks teams of yore have dissipated into whatever this team is, moving back in time to a classic physical hockey style which continues to exhaust me to my very core. Tinordi, who is just about only good for fighting, won a two-punch fight against Ryan Hartman, which was I guess fine. Then there was more tomfoolery after a hit that seemed to hurt Athanasiou’s hand and later on a dangerous hit on Kane that ended in his head slamming into the boards. What could’ve been a Hawks powerplay was instead turned back into a regular 5-on-5 situation, and the Hawks certainly didn’t win the game, so I’m still not sure what the point of it all was.

 

Next Game: 11/1 vs. Islanders

Game Time: 7:30PM CST
TV/Radio: NBCSCH+, WGN 720
New York Telephone Conversation: Lighthouse Hockey

The Islanders have won three straight against the likes of the Rangers, the Hurricanes and the Avalanche, some of the top teams in the league. If New York can continue to put the pedal to the metal, it might be an ugly night for the Hawks tonight.

The Islanders started out on a bit of a skid to start the season, starting out 2-4 before their recent win streak. But since then, the Islanders have had shutdown goaltending from Ilya Sorokin, who has a .933 save percentage so far this season, and also find themselves 4th in the league in 5-on-5 scoring. Their powerplay, however, leaves little to be desired as the Isles are 5th-worst in the league in PP%.

The Islanders forward groups have finally found some sort of formation it seems, with Josh Bailey, Mathew Barzal, and Oliver Wahlstrom sitting on the top line. Barzal leads the team in assists and points, whereas Wahlstrom has the team highest goals. Anders Lee, Brock Nelson and Anthony Beauvillier are on the second line and responsible for about as much offense as the first. The aging skeleton of Zach Parise finds itself on the third line and is sporting a career-worst CF% so far this season. J.G. Pageau and Kyle Palmieri, his linemates, don’t do much for offense either. And of course the 4th line for the Islanders is the same as it always is, with Cal Clutterbuck in his 15th year, probably-overpaid Matt Martin and Casey Cizikas the most likely to be seen gooning with this younger, shittier Hawks team tonight.

Like the Hawks, the Islanders are finding themselves under the coaching guise of a first-year NHL coach in Lane Lambert, and the defense is starting to crack under the new style of play. It is no longer the defensively-solid, bore-teams-to-sleep style they were moderately successful at under Trotz’s rule. But having one of the best goaltenders in the league in Sorokin has recently masked some of this for the Islanders. Against Alex Stalock, who can’t even keep himself in his own crease, this game could spell trouble for the Hawks.

Hockey

Suggestions to Remedy Mediocrity – Hawks beat Sharks, lose to Avs and Knights

By Summer Corson 169

So far for this organization, the narrative has been followed—the team is bad, the offense is bad, the expectations are low, and games were lost. There is very little to enjoy about the Hawks but I’m gonna try to point out the good where I can. But before we get to anything positive, let’s call it like we see it: the Hawks have only scored twice so far this season on even strength, which is pretty fucking terrible. What is worse is that they are currently considered the 10th-worst team in the league, which doesn’t bode well for the whole “tanking-for-a-#1-draft-pick” plan the front office has laid out. From a numbers standpoint, other teams factually have it much worse than us. Let’s review.

Wednesday 10/12
Hawks 2, Avalanche 5
Box Score
Natural Stat Trick

Did you expect this to go any better? The Hawks had to start their season against the reigning Stanley Cup champs after they raised their banner in Colorado and were outskated, outmatched and outplayed the entire night. The only genuine highlight was Toews scoring the first Hawks goal of the season on the powerplay, with an assist from Andreas Athanasiou. The powerplay was the only time the Hawks could score, which means having one extra man on the ice was the only way to even out the talent level enough for the Hawks to have a chance. Otherwise, our d-men were getting pantsed by Cale Makar and domed in possession for 2 of the 3 periods.

Within this game scored the only goal by Kane’s line all god damn week which is not a promising start—very underwhelming, in fact. If the goal wasn’t to tank this season, our first line scoring 1 goal in the first three games would certainly be a red flag, especially since Kane is flanked by the shiny new free agent acquisitions that were supposed to placate us. But red flags like that are positive for a tanking team, right?

Thursday 10/13
Hawks 0, Knights 1
Box Score
Natural Stat Trick

The theme for this night was that it genuinely could’ve been worse. The still-undefeated Golden Knights with their new #1 center in Jack Eichel were only able to score one goal against the Hawks as opposed to the 5 goals we’d let in the night before. Alex Stalock made 36 saves and didn’t look too bad except for when he seemed to lose his net at one point in the 1st—luckily Vegas wasn’t able to score on a wide-open net.

The Hawks’ main issue of having shit and nonexistent offense continued into this game, and of course this was their second straight game without having an even-strength goal. The Hawks had 10 less shots to the Knights’ 37, and their 2-shots-per-powerplay formula was helping nobody here. In fact, the only goal of the game came right after the Hawks powerplay in the 2nd period, directly after a shorthanded opportunity for Vegas. Vegas is looking like a top team right now whether you like it or not, however, so the fact the Hawks only held them to 1 goal when their average so far this season is over 3 per game, that’s somewhat surprising.

Saturday 10/15
Hawks 5, Sharks 2
Box Score
Natural Stat Trick

Of all the teams the Hawks had to face, only the Sharks match them in pitifulness. Both teams showed up in the building with a goose egg in the win column so someone had to pick up the points. The Hawks jumped out ahead for the first few minutes of the game and the Sharks were unable to register a shot for the first 11 minutes. But the Sharks ultimately did score first, getting a shot past youngins Philipp Kurashev and Filip Roos that Peter Mrazek didn’t even see (shocking). The Sharks scored again shortly after as a shot deflected off Amy’s Eldest and went in to wrap up a shitty 1st period. Surprisingly, the Hawks were able to take control from here and turned the game around.

It was Jason Dickinson’s first night in a Blackhawks uniform, and his line with Philipp Kurashev and Sam Lafferty took the game’s opening faceoff. The line would then go on to have 7 points between them that night (2 goals for the line). Lafferty’s 2 shorthanded goals meant the special teams scoring was starting to add up for the Hawks, although that’s not too hard when the Sharks can barely get a shot off. Still, the Hawks collected the win and the plan to tank for Connor Bedard was put on a temporary pause.

—

This weekend, the Hawks have their opening night game against Scum, but considering the team to the northeast is without a regulation loss this season, it appears the losses for Chicago will continue to stack up. That shouldn’t be unexpected news, however.

Hockey

Ready or Not – The Long-Awaited 2022-2023 Blackhawks Season Preview

By Summer Corson 196

The moment has finally come, whether you like it or not. The Blackhawks season is upon us and it will probably be the shittiest team this town has seen since at least 2008, give or take a few Hall of Fame players who may not make it to the end of the season in Hawks uniforms.

The new Blackhawks front office has taken us all at our word when we asked them to clean house of any trace of Stan Bowman or the previous regime. This offseason they cleared out almost exclusively players acquired by Stan Bowman in one way or another. In the name of Connor Bedard, an actual zoomer born in 2005, the Hawks have successfully traded off and discarded every offensive weapon they had. The Cat? Gone forever. Dylan Strome? You didn’t think you were gonna miss him, but you will. Dominik Kubalik? Maybe you didn’t notice his 32 points last season but you will now that they’ve disappeared from the roster. And I’m sure Kane and/or Toews will be for the taking come trade deadline, for the right price of course.

Instead we have, uhhhhh…this roster to get pumped about? This does not give me joy to look at. Remember how pissed off we all were when the Hawks traded away Dylan Sikura in 2020? Well he’s back now, and his numbers have literally never returned to his ‘18-19 stats because fuck you. They acquired Jarred Tinordi (son of Mark) off waivers who isn’t gonna do shit outside of barreling into people at the blueline, and David Poile likes him so that confirms just about all of your worst nightmares. There are also three Johnsons on this fucking team that are probably just simulations of hockey players and not even real people.

Maybe the front office staff thought you’d be placated by them bringing in familiar names from around the league, but let’s be honest—it’s hard to get jazzed up about some of these guys. Andreas Athanasiou seems to be the only one with offensive promise, being pretty quick on his feet and playing with Kane which will assure him lots of points on an offensively floundering team. (A limp dick would score points playing with Kane though.) Then there’s Max Domi, who ragdolled halfhearted-Duncan-Keith-replacement Connor Murphy last season when he was on the Blue Jackets. He’s already successfully played his way off the first line with Kane as we saw resurgences of Daydream Nation in this preseason—squint and you will remember better days. Depending on how quickly the Hawks fall out of the gate it’s likely neither of these dudes will be in Hawks uniforms by the end of this season.

The rest of the offensive lineup is incredibly underwhelming to me, though I pray I’ll change my mind after watching a few games. Most of the forward corps is a jumble of bottom-six forwards on a normal team, but plenty will be thrusted into top-six positions for the Hawks. The 2nd line pairing of Tyler Johnson (who is who he is at this point) and Taylor Raddysh (who just needs an opportunity to realize his potential!) are great examples of this. On the bottom six, Philipp Kurashev survived Davidson cleaning house of all offensive-minded forwards, and although he’s still just 23 I am not sure if I’d pin him as the breakout star of this season. God knows there’s a place for him to be that there if he wills it, though. He’s on a line with Sam Lafferty, who is fast but doesn’t have a ton of finish, and Mackenzie Entwistle, who is still young but is coming off just a 12-point season, so maybe Kurashev is actually screwed here. Finally, rounding out the fourth line is Colin Blackwell and Buddy Robinson, who are the equivalent of two ships passing me quietly in the night. They center Jujhar Khaira, who I’m just glad is back on the ice after getting bulldozed by professional assclown Jacob Trouba in December 2021 and dealing with concussion issues for the rest of the season.

On defense…well, not a ton has changed. The Joneses continue to be rostered, although Amy’s Youngest will be starting this season on the IR. Our top pairing of Amy’s Eldest and one of the Johnson simulations (Jack) find themselves reunited not only on the ice but off the ice as well in the I Played For John Tortorella in Columbus Support Group that I can only assume they are a part of. Murphy is hopefully healthy despite dealing with some back tightness to start off the preseason, leading him to miss a couple of games. (He might ask Coach if he could miss a few more after spending some time dragging around Tinordi on his pairing.) Jake McCabe, who is currently being held together by duct tape at Luke Richardson’s personal request, made his way onto the roster despite another major surgery this offseason, so expect to see him in the lineup once he feels fully healthy. And to round out the pairings, we’ll be able to watch two future pieces of the Blackhawks blueline in Filip Roos and Alec Regula probably get skulled by every opponent. But hey, at least it’s just two young guys getting skulled instead of the entire prospect pipeline.

We were all tossing and turning at night wondering what the Hawks goaltending could possibly look like this season. Considering Arvid Soderblom is 23 which is like 15 in goalie years, more stopgaps had to be placed on the NHL roster so he could continue with his development elsewhere. Unfortunately, the stopgaps available to us were…Peter Mrazek and Alex Stalock? Mrazek’s stellar .888 save percentage on a 115-point Maple Leafs team last year sounds about right to me. People will hold out hope he’ll return to his .923 numbers that he had with the Hurricanes in 2020-21, but that was behind a competent team with solid offense and defense, neither of which Mrazek is gonna see between the pipes in the United Center. Stalock has drifted between “meh” and “serviceable” during his time with the Wild between the years of 2016-2020 but considering his age and the fact that an injury sidelined him for all but one game last year, it will likely take him a while to get his footing.

To round it all out, the Hawks get to start their season against the defending Stanley Cup champion Colorado Avalanche, who are still considered contenders this year by just about every sportswriter I’ve seen on Twitter Dot Com. It will probably get bad real quick, right off the bat, and we’ll have to get comfy in the muck and mire that will be the rest of the season. But if you’ve read until here, you’re a fan for the long haul and will stick around for as long as it takes to see a contending team get built here again. Hopefully there will be some silver lining to this season—like Lukas Reichel’s eventual callup—that will make things Fun-Bad in the meantime. We’ll try to hold down the fort here, previewing and wrapping groups of games as much as we can, and hope to see you along for the ride.

Hockey

Digital Bath – Hawks Sneak By Yotes, Shit Themselves Vs Kings And Sharks

By Andy Jonathan 266

With the season all but over now, the only point to watching the Hawks going forward should be to see what the younger players have to offer in a couple of actual NHL games. Instead they’re all down in Rockford to help them in their “playoff run” in the AHL. That’s nice and all, but in reality they all need to be up here getting experience against legitimate playoff teams (because the Hawks are going to lose to a few of them in the next week and a half) at the highest level that hockey can offer. Lukas Reichel doesn’t need to be bum slaying down in RockVegas where he potentially could take an elbow to the head by some career minor leaguer. I also don’t need to see the pale, gooberish face of Erik Gustafsson on my TV anymore while Ian Mitchell and Nicholas Beaudin rot in RFD.

Honestly, other than the trade of Brandon Hagel to Tampa Bay (which to be fair was a very good deal), our Shiny New GM has not done much to fill me with confidence in his ability to steer the ship through Rebuild Bay. The rest of the deadline deals were somewhat meh, and his insistence of keeping some of the prospects in Rockford over playing up here is mysterious at best. His real work will begin this summer at the draft in deciding what he wants to do with Kane and Toews moving forward, but the initial returns are not promising.

BUT THAT’S NOT WHY YOU CALLED!

 

 

Wednesday 4/20

Hawks 4 – Coyotes 3 (OT)

Box Score

Natural Stat Trick

 

It’s appropriate that this game occurred on 4/20, because being stoned out of your gourd would be the best possible way to watch these two bottom feeder teams slam their heads together like rams on the side of a mountain. It ended up being exactly what you’d expect from the Hawks and Yotes, except for the outcome where Alex DeBrincat potted the game winner in OT when he buried a sick feed from Kaner past something named “Karel Vejmelka” for his 40th of the season. The Hawks (as is their way) coughed up not one but two 2 goal leads before putting the game away in OT. Alex Vlasic also got his first career goal as a Hawk, so that’s something you can tell your children about 30 years from now when they put you in a home.

 

Thursday 4/21

Hawks 1 – Kings 4

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Woof.

The Kings fucking smoked the Hawks right out of the Staples Center on this one (it’s always gonna be the Staples Center, no matter how much CryptoFartWankJob.Com might want it to be otherwise), scoring twice in 15 seconds at one point. On top of that, Phil Danault gave us yet another reminder about how much a fucking moron Stan Bowman is by opening the scoring 9 minutes into the game. The CORSI shows just how much a waxing this was by the Kings, as they averaged just over 70% of the possession time in the game, peaking in the 2nd where they held a 75% share. Unreal. Anyways, Kane scored his 26th of the season, and that’s about the only highlight for the Hawks in this one. Good seats still available!

 

Saturday 4/23

Hawks 1 – Sharks 4

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Natural Stat Trick

 

Looking at that chart and nothing else, one would be lead to assume the Hawks beat the Sharks like a drum up and down the ice. Sadly, sometimes puck luck and a hot goalie can have other ideas, as Kaapo Kahkonen made 27 saves (quite a few of them being of the high danger variety) in his second win since being sent over from the Wild at the deadline. The Hawks also carried a 75% CORSI share in the 1st period, which is EASILY the highest number they’ve had all season, and potentially all decade.  Tyler Johnson potted one for the Hawks here, which is nice to see for his own sake in this injury-ravaged season that he’s having.

One thing that has become abundantly clear is the Hawks goaltending situation may be the single most important issue that Kyle Davidson deals with going forward. While Kevin Lankinen isn’t entirely to blame (the defense being played in front of him is eye-bleedingly bad), I think we’ve seen enough to show that he’s not going to be The Guy going forward. He would be a very capable backup for whoever the Hawks ultimately anoint as the goalie of the future, but his sole purpose going forward is to eat as many minutes as necessary while the next generation learns on the fly.

The march towards the inevitable heat death of the Blackhawks season continues this week with games against Philly, Vegas and Buffalo. Two of those 3 should be winnable games, but the only one that matters is the Vegas one as the Knights attempt to cling onto their playoff hopes as they chase down Nashville. While it probably won’t happen, it would be kinda fun for the Hawks to step on their fingers as they cling to the side of the cliff.

Onward.

Hockey

Seeking a Friend for the End of the World – Hawks beat Sharks, lose to Predators and Flames

By Summer Corson 245

The Hawks did about what was expected the last three games, looking alive enough to win one game for Pat Foley before they ended up getting schooled by Nashville and Calgary, two playoff teams of differing skill levels that still skated circles around the Hawks. As is life on Madison these days.

Lukas Reichel’s first-year contract is now officially burned as he garnered around 31 minutes for a team playing for nothing. You would think doing this goes directly against the organization’s narrative of keeping all other Hawks prospects down in Rockford for the Tomato Can Playoff Push while players like Riley Stillman, Erik Gustafsson and others get NHL minutes instead of them, and turns out the front office realized the same, as it was announced last night he was heading back to Rockford this morning to go win the Tomato Can Hockey Cup. Good luck!

Thursday 4/14
Hawks 5, Sharks 4 (Hawks win! Hawks win!)
Box Score
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The Hawks finally got their give-a-shit meters to work again, and all it took was their beloved announcer calling his last NHL game and a matchup against another garbage team on a losing streak of their own. Kane, the Cat, Strome and Amy’s Eldest had multi-point nights, while Raddysh with a Y extended his scoring streak to two games. On the other end of that spectrum, defense was nowhere to be found, Reichel took away a puck in the 2nd and then immediately gave it away again five seconds later for his highlight of the night, and Toews, Dach and newly signed Reese Johnson were pointless in this game that should’ve been a point-grabbing free-for-all for every player involved.

The Hawks and Sharks seemed to trade goals all night, as the goaltenders on both sides of the ice were downright bad. Lankinen’s positioning and rebound control were, of course, all over the place, and the Sharks always seemed to have an answer for whatever goal the Hawks scored. Overtime sucked, as both teams didn’t really do shit on either end, trying to get to the shootout, I guess. But the Hawks can still cling to shootouts as something they’re relatively good at, and were able to win the game because of it thanks to a nasty goal by the Cat. Someone’s gotta get it done.

Outside of all the offense, there was too much clowning in this game for my liking. The fact that the Hawks punched Timo Meier in the head because he did a snow spray on Kevin Lankinen was a choice, and then Stillman fighting Jeffrey Viel over it was also a choice, and then Jake McCabe taking a myriad of dumbass roughing and unsportsmanlike conduct penalties was by far the stupidest, most exhausting shit of the night. Remember when this guy was signed to be an effective shutdown defenseman or whatever the fuck? You can’t do that when you’re in the box. It’s time to move on from this style of hockey, I’m exhausted.

Saturday 4/16
Hawks 3, Predators 4
Box Score
Natural Stat Trick

Starting this game out by watching Jeremy Lauzon’s knee bend in ways it should never be able to bend was certainly not the best, and the Predators were able to get out ahead soon after that to set the tone for the game. The Hawks led once thanks to efforts by goals by Kane and Dominik Kubalik later on in the 1st and 2nd periods, one in which Kane mouthed off to some dude in front row seats because that’s hockey baby. Reichel and his newly-burned first-year contract got his first NHL point in a pretty neat assist to Kubalik’s goal, however, and we’ve all been waiting for that. It was a good moment.

Lankinen didn’t look too terrible in this game either, making more impressive saves in this game than the previous. But right after Mackenzie Entwhistle and Boris Katchouk were assessed penalties—including one game misconduct—for REASONS, the Predators completely turned the game around in their favor, with Roman Josi scoring just a minute later to tie things up. Two more Predators goals at the end of the 2nd and the 3rd sealed the deal for the Hawks—the first goal on a Nashville powerplay thanks to Alex Vlasic and a dumb high sticking penalty, speaking of clowning. Despite Kane making a passing play that any Joe Schmoe, including Stillman, can put into the back of the net, the Hawks were pretty overpowered in this game and it showed as they came up empty in the points column.

Monday 4/18
Hawks 2, Flames 5
Box Score
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I predicted this outcome, and I’m sure you did too. And the Flames spent no time making the Hawks look silly, scoring 22 seconds into the game with a fluky goal that Lankinen will probably see in his nightmares. In fact, the Flames had two goals before the Hawks could even register a shot on the fucking net, as I continue to be perplexed as to why Raddysh with a Y was the one tasked to try and stop Johnny fucking Gaudreau from scoring, a mistake I’m sure Derek King and his man behind the curtain will not make again.

The two teams’ meatheads in Nikita Zadorov and Jake McCabe went at it after Zadorov continued to show his ass by putting a big hit on Toews in the first period. Toews then got high sticked right off the faceoff, had to leave to get stitches, and the Flames scored again to put them ahead for the rest of the game, though Alec Regula scored the second and final Hawks goal in the 2nd period with a shot from the point that probably shouldn’t have gone in. Then the Flames rested on their laurels for a majority of the 3rd period, getting only four shots on net in those 20 minutes, probably because they knew they’d have multiple empty net opportunities with the Hawks yanking Lankinen for the extra attacker like always. Johnny Gaudreau isn’t going to miss those empty netters, and this game was no exception.

—

Thank God we’re almost to the end, and this schedule will be a tad easier as the Hawks revisit the Kings and Sharks near the tail end and face the Coyotes, barely an NHL team, tomorrow night. Can’t wait to see who will muck it up this time!

Hockey

This Place Is A Prison – Hawks Lose To Seattle, Dallas, & LA – Losing Streak Hits 6

By Matt McClure 226

There’s really not much to say at this point. Even for this being the post-deadline final kick for teams that have been long dead such as the Hawks, this recent stretch has been absolute dog shit. During this past week the Hawks got deservedly shut out at home by an expansion franchise that is actually trying for a slow build, allowed one of the most boring teams in the league to put six goals on them, and got absolutely dog walked in terms of possession by a team missing its best (and credibly accused sex criminal) defenseman.

Lukas Reichel has been called up and he’s been noticeable, but still hasn’t put the puck in the back of the net yet because the entire Hawk attack is now being very easily pushed to the perimeter. Neither goalie looks like he will be in the league next year, and Kevin Lankinen’s rebound control has only worsened since he got through the division once in last year’s goofy ass intra-division schedule. Jonathan Toews has hung the I’m Not Interested sign and adorned it with flashing neon lights and truthfully he cannot be blamed in the least at this point – hell, look how this post is even constructed. Even the reliable and enjoyable Alex Debrincat has gone cold and been stuck on 39 goals for a while now, and it is in no way a coincidence that the Hawks have not even been competitive in these games when he’s not making the score sheet. There aren’t even any kids on the absolutely desolate blue line to look for growth out of because Calvin de Haan and Erik Gustafsson have consistently still been dressed up until the the LA game. That’s the same Erik Gustafsson who wasn’t good enough for the dog ass Flyers blue line and was brought in to be a power play specialist and has scored precisely ZERO power play goals. In fact the Hawks do not have a single power play goal from a defenseman, which is truly a fucking marvel.

The box scores and possession numbers are out there for any reader who needs to further punish themselves with this. But for any sane person, at least the ride is almost over.

 

 

Hockey

The Downward Spiral: The Hawks Are on a 5-Game Losing Streak

By Summer Corson 299

This sucks.

There’s not a lot more I can say really. This is what the beginning of a rebuild really looks like, and we’re going to be stuck here for years to come. And personally, I’m not sure how many more free Lankinen rebounds my frail heart can watch. Rebounds for everyone, everywhere, as many as you can scoop up. And the Hawks defense are not scooping very many of those rebounds up at all. Still waiting for those Beaudin and Mitchell call-ups, by the way. Literally any day now.

In all seriousness, a sincere congrats is in order for Pat Foley in his upcoming retirement. The man has been the voice of the Hawks for as long as most of us can remember, and he will be the hardest voice in hockey to replace. I couldn’t tell you a damned thing about Chris Vosters, the new play-by-play announcer, as the merry-go-round of TV auditions from this year has made all the new people a blur. Next Sunday, Foley and the man himself, Dale Tallon, will be broadcasting their final game together in what will likely be an automatic loss to Dallas. Buckle up for that one, folks.

The good news is that baseball starts this week, so everyone in Chicago can turn their attention towards their respective baseball teams and grumble about everything that’s wrong with those two franchises. Add onto the misery, why don’t we?

Monday 3/28
Hawks 5, Sabres 6
Box Score
Natural Stat Trick

The Hawks have spent years of our collective lives getting bailed out by their goaltenders, most recently in Marc-Andre Fleury. Now that era is over, and we get to watch garbage teams like the Sabres score four unanswered goals on the Hawks to tie it and two more within seconds of each other win the game. Granted, the Hawks defensemen weren’t doing Kevin Lankinen any favors throughout—Erik Gustafsson continues to take years off my life standing in front of the net and doing absolutely nothing to defend multiple Sabres goals, in one case kicking it into his own net. Without elite-level goaltending between the pipes, this team is an utter tire fire.

The Cat was responsible for a powerplay goal over halfway through the 3rd that put the Hawks back on top, but the momentum was all Buffalo’s starting really in the 2nd period, and two more Sabres goals late in the 3rd sealed the fate of the Hawks. Kane had a few solid chances near the end of the 3rd, but he wasn’t able to convert on any of them. The Sabres’ tying goal was a result of the Hawks defensemen being on one side of the ice and Alex Tuch on the other, receiving a pass to shoot at a pretty wide-open net—Tyler Johnson didn’t stand a chance defending that one. Jeff Skinner nearly scored seconds later but a Dylan Strome trip disallowed the goal and put Strome in the penalty box. The Sabres’ winning goal was entirely the fault of Lankinen, and something that an NHL-level goaltender shouldn’t allow. It cost the Hawks a point and the game, but luckily this team has nothing to play for down the stretch.

Thursday 3/31
Hawks 0, Panthers 4
Box Score
Natural Stat Trick

I mean, I’m not sure who actually expected a Hawks win out of this game, but it was still tough to watch our (like it or not) captain Jonathan Toews look like he was having a genuinely horrible time during his 1,000th NHL game. Every eye and metric test imaginable against these two teams show the Panthers as the vastly superior team. This game became another look at how far the Hawks will have to climb to be relevant again. It will be a game and a season that Toews will likely want to forget as his legacy is called into question, fairly or not, after his reaction to the Beach allegations, the trade deadline moves, and other whathaveyous. But I’m sure I’m not the only one who wished for a happier outcome for the Captain tonight.

In other news, this game was dreck to watch. Sergei Bobrovsky completely shut the Hawks down, stopping all 37 shots he faced. On the other end of the ice, Collin Delia, who is not an NHL-caliber goalie, got scored on five times, although a mercy kick-in ruling of Barkov’s goal 40 seconds into the game made it only four goals against. Rebounds, five-holes, and a porous defense (Riley Stillman still sucks) meant the Hawks got lit up all night long.

Friday 4/1
Hawks 2, Lightning 5
Box Score
Natural Stat Trick

Nothing like a shellacking on one night to prepare you for another shellacking the next night. The Lightning may not be playing like the impenetrable force they had been over the last month, but once again the gap between the Hawks and actual Stanley Cup-contending teams was well on display tonight. Not to mention it became a Brandon Hagel revenge game when he scored an empty netter in the dying seconds of the game, which I’m sure made Toews incredibly angry.

The Hawks at least scored in this one, the first goal coming from an unexpected source as Calvin de Haan blasted one home from the point in a play reminiscent of Duncan Keith. The other goal was scored by the Cat (who else?) to tie the game, though it certainly didn’t last long as the Lightning made quick work of the game over the 2nd and 3rd periods. And Tampa Bay’s penalty kill (9th in the league) thwarted the Hawks’ multiple powerplay opportunities almost every time and occasionally leading to an odd-man rush the other way. I truly felt bad for Lankinen—how can you possibly ask him, another fringe NHL goalie, to save some of the plays the Lightning produced?

Sunday 4/3
Hawks 2, Coyotes 3 (Coyotes win despite not having their shit together)
Box Score
Natural Stat Trick

At least this was an overtime loss, but it was still a loss to the Coyotes, the league’s true albatross. The skill level of the opponent compared to the previous two matchups were considerably lower, and the game got to be a bit chippy throughout. Defensive structures for both teams fluctuated from “none at all” to “let’s go six minutes straight without a shot on goal as we fool around in the neutral zone,” which leads to wacky hockey.

Dylan Strome was able to score just a minute into the game to give the Hawks their first lead in who knows how long. And the Hawks didn’t look so bad for the 1st period either, although I must again reiterate that the Coyotes are the league’s albatross. Arizona took over in the 2nd period, however, scoring two goals thanks to an Amy’s Youngest clearing attempt gone terribly wrong, and Calvin de Haan and Jake McCabe both getting pantsed by some guy named Travis Boyd. Not a good look.

Despite Kane tying the game up in the 3rd, the Hawks were unable to put it away in overtime. Instead, it was Shane Ghost Bear who was credited with a goal that actually went in thanks to the skate of Amy’s Eldest, a fitting end to the clown show this week of games has been. Speaking of Ghost Bear, I’m amazed he hasn’t been sent to the land of wind and ghosts considering he took a puck to the throat and a stick to the face this game. That’s hockey, I guess.