Hockey

And It Seems Such a Waste of Time – Hawks @ Stars Preview

By Summer Corson 32

@ 

Game Time: 7:30PM CST
TV/Radio: NBCSCH+ / WGN 720
Amy Jones’s 2nd Favorite Fan-Run Hockey Website: Defending Big D

The Hawks were two minutes away from scraping a point out of their game against Pittsburgh on Sunday, but the likelihood they will be so lucky against Dallas tonight is pretty fucking low. The Stars are sitting pretty at the very very top of the Central Division, two points ahead of even the mighty Avalanche. Oh, and the Stars are just coming off a 3-2 shootout win against Colorado on Monday as well. So…a win is pretty unlikely for the Hawks.

The secret to the Stars’ success this year if you ask any fan in Dallas is that they have the GREATEST LINE IN THE NHL: Jason Robertson, Roope Hintz, and yes, 38-year-old Joe Pavelski, are wreaking havoc against seemingly every opponent. They are the top three points-getters of the team, with Robertson being their main goal scorer and on a 12-game points streak, or something. (He had two goals in Monday’s win.)

The Stars are also seeing a recent resurgence of some of their long-time guys—Jamie Benn and Tyler Seguin are still anchoring their 2nd line, except now Benn is on track to score more points this season than at any other time in his career, or something. And he can still pass like a motherfucker at age 33. And for all sickos out there who still love fighting, Jamie Benn does that now apparently, albeit poorly.

The Stars organization really just said fuck it and threw out a line of kids right around Lukas Reichel’s age or younger, as Matej Blumel, Wyatt Johnston and Ty Dellandrea find themselves perhaps being the Stars’ future. I’m not sure what that says about this organization, except that Tough Guy Culture permeates in Dellandrea’s game and Blumel has like 1 point, so maybe it doesn’t say too much.

The secret to the Stars’ success has certainly been thanks to special teams, in which Dallas is a top-10 leader in both. Their powerplay is at a deadly 29.63% right now, which is 3rd in the league, so good fucking luck on PK1, Jake McCabe. And the craziest part is that the Dallas Stars take penalties like there’s no tomorrow but somehow kill them off 82.7% of the time, good for 6th in the league. If the Blackhawks could figure out their penalty kill, that would be the way for them to win, but I don’t find that likely.

—

As for the Men of Four Feathers, unfortunately the likes of seeing Ian Mitchell slotting in tonight are slim, as Amy’s Eldest plans on returning to play in his HOMETOWN of Dallas, albeit with a splint on his broken finger. This will bump Amy’s Youngest to the 3rd pairing, the pairing where his talents would be maxed out in the best possible scenario. And don’t forget it is also his HOMETOWN as well, as they are brothers. And so it is thus, that Ian Mitchell will be scratched and the defense will only marginally approve with a probably-not-fully-healthy Seth Jones back in the lineup.

The rest of the lineup on paper isn’t really changing too much, and also isn’t much to write home about. While Kane still leads the team in points, he has only 4 goals to his name so far this season and has evolved into more of an assist guy once he realized nobody was talented enough to get him the puck on this roster. Toews was on a more resurgent streak earlier on in the season, churning out goals in a way I thought I’d never see from him again. Max Domi is right up with them in points, although that will happen to anyone benefitting with being on Kane’s line.

You squint and see what will likely be a decent offensive player in Philipp Kurashev, but I’m not sure if he’s somebody you can build your team around. Jason Dickinson is having a decent offensive season so far, looking to blow his previous seasons’ goal and assist totals out of the water, but someone on this God-forsaken team has to score. I’d update you on Lukas Reichel if he was on the Hawks roster but he’s still toiling away in Rockford, which is just over a .500 team this season by the way. Gotta develop him somehow?

At least Arvid Soderblom is young enough to get better and improve.

Like the recent Bruins game, this one could be ugly. The Hawks are very easily outmatched by teams at the top of the standings, and the Stars will be no less difficult. We’ll see what happens, but I won’t be surprised if Hawks fans skip this game in light of getting ready for holiday festivities here in America.

Everything Else

He’s Marian Hossa and You’re Not – 81 to the Rafters, and Hawks Lose to Penguins 5-3

By Summer Corson 47

Last night was a special night for Hawks fans, and this wrap should start off with what’s most important—Marian Hossa getting his number retired, the greatest free agency signing ever, is fucking awesome. It’s why everyone was there—the stadium is half-empty all the other nights. It was as classy as they could make it, with the Hawks bringing back just about everyone who hasn’t had their name permanently disgraced for good reason. Hossa confirmed via anecdote that hockey players think for about half a second about what their jersey number is gonna be and yet his 81 will rightfully become a number that will never be worn again, as part of an elite group that future generations will look up to and regard as one of hockey’s greatest.

You’ve probably heard it surmised a hundred times by this point, especially since everyone else published this article 2 days ago, but Hossa permanently changed the Hawks with his free signing, turning them from a very very good team to an elite team. None of the Cups would’ve been won without him. What people may not want to recognize (and don’t worry, I try to block this out too) is that the Hawks were never the same after he retired. There was nobody to replace his two-way prowess, as much as Ryan Hartman surely tried. And the Hawks haven’t made the playoffs since outside of the fever dream I recognize as the 2020 play-in round. Hossa was a generational talent, one of the greatest two-way players ever, a Hall of Famer, and his jersey getting retired is more than just well-earned. The Hossa-Toews-Saad/Sharp line was my favorite line to watch, mostly because you knew they were going to outskill the opposing line on both ends of the ice and the Hawks were gonna score a goal.

The Hawks almost pulled out a win for Hossa against Pittsburgh, and they certainly battled until the very end to get one for him, but at the end of the day shoddy defense kept that from happening. There were a solid 17 seconds of elation before the Crosby goal was scored, though, and that’s as exciting as it’s gonna get for this generation of Hawks fans, for now. To the bullets!

11/20 – Hawks 3, Penguins 5
Box Score
Game Log
Natural Stat Trick

  • Caleb Jones’s play is just as awful in person as it is on my screen at 1AM when I’m usually watching these games. He couldn’t keep the puck in the offensive zone and was also directly responsible for Pittsburgh’s game-winning goal seconds after we tied it in the 3rd while completely facing the wrong direction. I’m not sure why he was the defenseman Luke Richardson called to action in the dying minutes of this losing game, but considering the overall plan is to tank and lose, Richardson probably thinks he’s just doing what needs to be done. That doesn’t mean I won’t LOUDLY OBJECT EVERY TIME IT HAPPENS THOUGH.
  • The Kurashev/Toews/Raddysh line wasn’t very good to start things off, especially in giving up the first goal for the Penguins seconds into the game. It wasn’t until Kurashev himself was able to redeem himself with the tying goal in the 3rd and when Toews was moved to a different line that I was feeling better about these guys. Together, they were just about invisible.
  • Daydream Nation was reunited and it was a good move on Richardson’s part as Patrick Kane was able to net his 3rd goal of the season (let’s not talk about it) from a nifty feed from Toews—just usual Hall of Famer shit. A shakeup of the lineup was necessary when the Penguins went up 3-0 in order for the Hawks to not look totally pathetic in front of the 13+ Stanley Cup champs in the building. And in a vintage effort by both, Kane and Toews together did just that.
  • For the love of all that is holy, please slot in Ian Mitchell for a few more games. Despite getting outskated on the Penguins’ second goal, I give him credit because was the only D-man in the immediate area at all. (I am also putting 100% of the blame on Crosby’s GWG on Amy’s Youngest, who I would like punted into the sun.) Considering how highly Mitchell was regarded as a prospect for years and years it seems, we need to see more of what he’s got. Give him a chance.
  • Whenever the Hawks gave up the puck to the Penguins in their defensive zone in this game, it seemed like Arvid Soderblom had quite literally no defensive help. I can’t blame some of these goals on Soderblom, especially since Sidney Crosby has made a whole career out of making goaltenders look like dunces, but when you’re only faced with 24 shots all game, you need to save more than 20 of them. However, he did have a few flashy saves during the game that reminded me of better days, and I’m hoping with some more experience and defensive help ahead of him he will turn into a solid goaltender.
  • Duncan Keith’s jersey retirement better be next, Danny.

Finally, to wrap things up, I went through the FFUD online archive and found a few quotes that I really think show who Hossa was as a player, in a way only this fair website can describe:

“Hossa’s shootout goal was a great fuck you moment. Yeah, he could have gone all Kane like and deked and wristed. But slapshots are way more fun.”

“The conclusion drawn here is that when a forward hits 30, his scoring starts to show a pretty serious drop. Unless your name is Marian Hossa, it seems.”

“But like a gangland style execution, Marian Hossa put a bullet in the brain of any hope the Kings might have had with a brilliant wrister off a rush at the top of the right circle through a defenseman’s legs and past Quick on the short side.”

“Sometimes you forget just how good Marian Hossa is. Last night was another example of him simply being a monster. He can skip all the damn morning skates he wants if he keeps having games like that.”

Hockey

Where’s Your Crown, King Nothing? – Blackhawks lose to Wild and Islanders Preview

By Summer Corson 114

The scariest thing happening on the ice this Halloween was far and away the Hawks’ defense or lack thereof against the Wild on Sunday. It was recently announced that Amy’s Eldest broke his thumb blocking a shot on Saturday night and is out approximately 3-4 weeks. So the Hawks gave one of the Johnson simulations a promotion all the way to the top pairing and gave us a middling at best defensive effort against the Wild—though it was an effort given while short a D-man, respectively. It was only by the grace of God that this team was able to grab a point. To the bullets!

10/30 – Hawks 3, Wild 3 (Hawks lose their last $6 to a pool shark)
Box Score
Game Log
Natural Stat Trick

  • Jake McCabe continues to exhaust me on a nightly basis. Tonight he was able to put his usual annoying gameplay on pause to open the scoring and give the Hawks a 1-0 lead thanks to a wrister from the point. But then seconds later he lost his stick in a puck battle to the Wild because he just had to be THE BIG HIT GUY who DELIVERS BIG HITS. This utterly nonsensical play led directly to the Wild easily moving right around McCabe and Matt Boldy scoring to tie the game. After the few things he does right, he will automatically remind you about all the things he does wrong.
  • Never this season did I think I’d see Toews’s give-a-shit meter be higher than Kane’s, but for this game it was definitely Toews sticking with it and taking as many offensive chances as he could get. Although he only had one goal to show for it, it was a game-tying goal where he went five-hole on old friend Marc-Andre Fleury. Now leading the team in goals, those chances have obviously paid off for the captain. Kane, however, looks like he couldn’t care less, which isn’t very helpful when the Hawks are down a goal. Maybe he’s just REALLY committed to Kyle Davidson’s tanking plan.
  • It was a very nifty play by Kane and lots of quick maneuvering by Athanasiou that should be commended for the 3rd Hawks goal that turned into the big highlight of the night. I think it would’ve been awesome had Connor Murphy and Jarred Tinordi not left Matt Boldy once again all alone seconds after the goal was scored to easily fake out Alex Stalock and score on a wide-open net.
  • There was plenty of roughhousing between the Hawks and Wild—the fast, skilled Hawks teams of yore have dissipated into whatever this team is, moving back in time to a classic physical hockey style which continues to exhaust me to my very core. Tinordi, who is just about only good for fighting, won a two-punch fight against Ryan Hartman, which was I guess fine. Then there was more tomfoolery after a hit that seemed to hurt Athanasiou’s hand and later on a dangerous hit on Kane that ended in his head slamming into the boards. What could’ve been a Hawks powerplay was instead turned back into a regular 5-on-5 situation, and the Hawks certainly didn’t win the game, so I’m still not sure what the point of it all was.

 

Next Game: 11/1 vs. Islanders

Game Time: 7:30PM CST
TV/Radio: NBCSCH+, WGN 720
New York Telephone Conversation: Lighthouse Hockey

The Islanders have won three straight against the likes of the Rangers, the Hurricanes and the Avalanche, some of the top teams in the league. If New York can continue to put the pedal to the metal, it might be an ugly night for the Hawks tonight.

The Islanders started out on a bit of a skid to start the season, starting out 2-4 before their recent win streak. But since then, the Islanders have had shutdown goaltending from Ilya Sorokin, who has a .933 save percentage so far this season, and also find themselves 4th in the league in 5-on-5 scoring. Their powerplay, however, leaves little to be desired as the Isles are 5th-worst in the league in PP%.

The Islanders forward groups have finally found some sort of formation it seems, with Josh Bailey, Mathew Barzal, and Oliver Wahlstrom sitting on the top line. Barzal leads the team in assists and points, whereas Wahlstrom has the team highest goals. Anders Lee, Brock Nelson and Anthony Beauvillier are on the second line and responsible for about as much offense as the first. The aging skeleton of Zach Parise finds itself on the third line and is sporting a career-worst CF% so far this season. J.G. Pageau and Kyle Palmieri, his linemates, don’t do much for offense either. And of course the 4th line for the Islanders is the same as it always is, with Cal Clutterbuck in his 15th year, probably-overpaid Matt Martin and Casey Cizikas the most likely to be seen gooning with this younger, shittier Hawks team tonight.

Like the Hawks, the Islanders are finding themselves under the coaching guise of a first-year NHL coach in Lane Lambert, and the defense is starting to crack under the new style of play. It is no longer the defensively-solid, bore-teams-to-sleep style they were moderately successful at under Trotz’s rule. But having one of the best goaltenders in the league in Sorokin has recently masked some of this for the Islanders. Against Alex Stalock, who can’t even keep himself in his own crease, this game could spell trouble for the Hawks.

Hockey

Coming Home Again – Hawks vs. Detroit, Seattle, Florida Preview

By Summer Corson 118

The regular season continues on after the Hawks so kindly gave us a five-day break from watching their mediocrity. The rest of the NHL has been in full swing, however, and the Hawks are set for opening night in Chicago with a week-long homestand that will next see them taking on two worthy opponents, plus the Kraken, who certainly aren’t playing like they’re worthy.

10/21 vs. Scum

Game Time: 7:30PM CST
TV/Radio: NBC Sports Chicago / WGN 720
These retro jerseys are so god damn ugly: WIIM

Nothing brings more pain than when the Hawks are mired in mediocrity and Detroit finally seems to be coming out on the other side of the years-long Yzerplan, but this is how Chicago will be opening their season at home. The scum find themselves 2-0-1 so far this season, though it was only by the sheer willpower of their top center Dylan Larkin that they received a point in Monday night’s game against LA after he poked the puck away from Viktor Arvidsson on an empty-net breakaway. The Wings were able to secure their other two wins against New Jersey and Montreal, two dogshit teams at the moment. Although that doesn’t seem very impressive, the Red Wings don’t seem to face a particularly challenging matchup until the Bruins in another week, and grabbing every point you can is the name of the game in the Metro, so overall this team couldn’t have asked for a much better start.

Because we love pouring salt into the word on this fair website, this game will be a stop on the glorified Hawks of Yore Reunion Tour, which starts with the return of Dominik Kubalik to Chicago. Since noted shithead Tyler Bertuzzi is out for 4-6 weeks, Kubalik finds himself on the top line with Dylan Larkin and with three points to his name so far. And yes, that is more points than he had starting off last season with the Hawks. Another notable face, Olli Maatta, who hasn’t been around since the last time the Hawks made the playoffs* in 2020, finds himself on the 2nd d-pairing after signing a one-year contract. Since that contract, he’s had 4 points in three games and everyone seems to be genuinely thrilled by that number. Finally, perhaps you remember young Pius Suter, who was so young and full of promise as a 27-point rookie on the Hawks in 2021? He is hanging on Detroit’s fourth line, where he only has 1 point and is -1, but when you have to drag around dudes like Adam Erne on your line those numbers aren’t surprising.

10/23 vs. Kraken

Game Time: 1:00 PM CT
TV/Radio: NBC Sports Chicago / WGN 720
Underneath the Bridge, Tarp Has Sprung a Leak: Kraken Chronicle

The Kraken haven’t looked so good to start things out, though getting domed by both Vegas and Carolina this season is about to become a reality for a lot of teams. Fans of the Kraken continue to be surprised that the expansion didn’t start off as immediately successful as that of the Golden Knights, and we as Hawks fans can look into the mirror and see ourselves in all of Seattle’s problems. Since last season, Kraken fans have been calling for the firing of head coach Dave Hakstol, whose defensive structure is dwarfed in galaxy-brained stupidity only by Coach Vinny del Colliton when he was around these parts. They find themselves at the bottom of the league for xGF/60, which is where they were last season as well, and they can’t seem to generate any offense (color me shocked when you have two ex-Blue Jackets on your top line). The Kraken seem hellbent on tossing their future players into the fire as well, what with their 2022 1st-round draft pick Shane Wright being immediately plopped into the NHL with no minor league development time and relegated to 4th-line bumslaying with fucking Brandon Tanev and Ryan Donato. Sounds pretty soul-crushing, and a little bit familiar, eh Kirby?

10/25 vs. Florida


Game Time: 7:30 PM CT
TV/Radio: NBC Sports Chicago / WGN 720
Please don’t remember me for what I did last night: Litter Box Cats

Florida returns this season with a 3-1 record, behind only Boston in the division. Everything seemed to be going fine and dandy until the announcement that Aaron Ekblad was added to LTIR a few days ago. I guess LTIR really means “3.5-week IR”, because they target his timetable for return to be sometime around then and they really placed him there to try and finagle their way out of the cap hell they currently find themselves in. Yes, Sergei Bobrovsky’s albatross $10 million/year contract is still in full swing, and in place for three more seasons after this one. Meanwhile, Spencer Knight, the future between the crease for Florida, is about to get a big pay raise next year from $975k to $4.5 million/year. So to say the salary cap increasing in the next few years will be a godsend for the Panthers might be putting it lightly.

In more recent news, it sounds like the Panthers are signing yet another Staal brother. Marc Staal joined the Panthers on a cheap contract in the offseason and now Eric has signed a mirroring deal after Ekblad got placed on IR. I’m not sure what kind of voodoo salary magic they are going to be dealing with once Ekblad returns in a month, but for now it’s possible we’ll see Eric in the lineup Tuesday night. And of course, the D pairings have been shuffled around for Florida and now Gustav Forsling, who we all remember, has recently found himself on the first pairing with Lucas Carlsson. Forsling is also the team’s new workhorse on the backend, averaging more TOI per game (25:38) than all but two players in the NHL. Florida also announced the return of Brandon Montour to the lineup, and that pairing wasn’t so bad last year.

–

As for the men of four feathers, the biggest news coming out of the week is that Jake McCabe is returning to the lineup tonight against Detroit, which means that Alex Vlasic was sent down to Rockford because who needs to develop young guys up here when you can develop young guys elsewhere? With the underwhelming season McCabe had last year and yet another major surgery he is coming back from, I can only imagine his first few games won’t be pretty. Or all of them. He will be paired up with Amy’s Eldest on the 3rd pairing, as rookie Filip Roos finds himself a healthy scratch because once again, who actually needs development around these parts?

Other than that, it looks like the Hawks are gonna roll out the same lines we’ve been seeing, so expect to see more of the same. Peter Mrazek gets the start in net, and hopefully he doesn’t blow it. A win would be nice but I guess a loss would be more productive. Go Hawks

Hockey

Suggestions to Remedy Mediocrity – Hawks beat Sharks, lose to Avs and Knights

By Summer Corson 109

So far for this organization, the narrative has been followed—the team is bad, the offense is bad, the expectations are low, and games were lost. There is very little to enjoy about the Hawks but I’m gonna try to point out the good where I can. But before we get to anything positive, let’s call it like we see it: the Hawks have only scored twice so far this season on even strength, which is pretty fucking terrible. What is worse is that they are currently considered the 10th-worst team in the league, which doesn’t bode well for the whole “tanking-for-a-#1-draft-pick” plan the front office has laid out. From a numbers standpoint, other teams factually have it much worse than us. Let’s review.

Wednesday 10/12
Hawks 2, Avalanche 5
Box Score
Natural Stat Trick

Did you expect this to go any better? The Hawks had to start their season against the reigning Stanley Cup champs after they raised their banner in Colorado and were outskated, outmatched and outplayed the entire night. The only genuine highlight was Toews scoring the first Hawks goal of the season on the powerplay, with an assist from Andreas Athanasiou. The powerplay was the only time the Hawks could score, which means having one extra man on the ice was the only way to even out the talent level enough for the Hawks to have a chance. Otherwise, our d-men were getting pantsed by Cale Makar and domed in possession for 2 of the 3 periods.

Within this game scored the only goal by Kane’s line all god damn week which is not a promising start—very underwhelming, in fact. If the goal wasn’t to tank this season, our first line scoring 1 goal in the first three games would certainly be a red flag, especially since Kane is flanked by the shiny new free agent acquisitions that were supposed to placate us. But red flags like that are positive for a tanking team, right?

Thursday 10/13
Hawks 0, Knights 1
Box Score
Natural Stat Trick

The theme for this night was that it genuinely could’ve been worse. The still-undefeated Golden Knights with their new #1 center in Jack Eichel were only able to score one goal against the Hawks as opposed to the 5 goals we’d let in the night before. Alex Stalock made 36 saves and didn’t look too bad except for when he seemed to lose his net at one point in the 1st—luckily Vegas wasn’t able to score on a wide-open net.

The Hawks’ main issue of having shit and nonexistent offense continued into this game, and of course this was their second straight game without having an even-strength goal. The Hawks had 10 less shots to the Knights’ 37, and their 2-shots-per-powerplay formula was helping nobody here. In fact, the only goal of the game came right after the Hawks powerplay in the 2nd period, directly after a shorthanded opportunity for Vegas. Vegas is looking like a top team right now whether you like it or not, however, so the fact the Hawks only held them to 1 goal when their average so far this season is over 3 per game, that’s somewhat surprising.

Saturday 10/15
Hawks 5, Sharks 2
Box Score
Natural Stat Trick

Of all the teams the Hawks had to face, only the Sharks match them in pitifulness. Both teams showed up in the building with a goose egg in the win column so someone had to pick up the points. The Hawks jumped out ahead for the first few minutes of the game and the Sharks were unable to register a shot for the first 11 minutes. But the Sharks ultimately did score first, getting a shot past youngins Philipp Kurashev and Filip Roos that Peter Mrazek didn’t even see (shocking). The Sharks scored again shortly after as a shot deflected off Amy’s Eldest and went in to wrap up a shitty 1st period. Surprisingly, the Hawks were able to take control from here and turned the game around.

It was Jason Dickinson’s first night in a Blackhawks uniform, and his line with Philipp Kurashev and Sam Lafferty took the game’s opening faceoff. The line would then go on to have 7 points between them that night (2 goals for the line). Lafferty’s 2 shorthanded goals meant the special teams scoring was starting to add up for the Hawks, although that’s not too hard when the Sharks can barely get a shot off. Still, the Hawks collected the win and the plan to tank for Connor Bedard was put on a temporary pause.

—

This weekend, the Hawks have their opening night game against Scum, but considering the team to the northeast is without a regulation loss this season, it appears the losses for Chicago will continue to stack up. That shouldn’t be unexpected news, however.

Hockey

Ready or Not – The Long-Awaited 2022-2023 Blackhawks Season Preview

By Summer Corson 123

The moment has finally come, whether you like it or not. The Blackhawks season is upon us and it will probably be the shittiest team this town has seen since at least 2008, give or take a few Hall of Fame players who may not make it to the end of the season in Hawks uniforms.

The new Blackhawks front office has taken us all at our word when we asked them to clean house of any trace of Stan Bowman or the previous regime. This offseason they cleared out almost exclusively players acquired by Stan Bowman in one way or another. In the name of Connor Bedard, an actual zoomer born in 2005, the Hawks have successfully traded off and discarded every offensive weapon they had. The Cat? Gone forever. Dylan Strome? You didn’t think you were gonna miss him, but you will. Dominik Kubalik? Maybe you didn’t notice his 32 points last season but you will now that they’ve disappeared from the roster. And I’m sure Kane and/or Toews will be for the taking come trade deadline, for the right price of course.

Instead we have, uhhhhh…this roster to get pumped about? This does not give me joy to look at. Remember how pissed off we all were when the Hawks traded away Dylan Sikura in 2020? Well he’s back now, and his numbers have literally never returned to his ‘18-19 stats because fuck you. They acquired Jarred Tinordi (son of Mark) off waivers who isn’t gonna do shit outside of barreling into people at the blueline, and David Poile likes him so that confirms just about all of your worst nightmares. There are also three Johnsons on this fucking team that are probably just simulations of hockey players and not even real people.

Maybe the front office staff thought you’d be placated by them bringing in familiar names from around the league, but let’s be honest—it’s hard to get jazzed up about some of these guys. Andreas Athanasiou seems to be the only one with offensive promise, being pretty quick on his feet and playing with Kane which will assure him lots of points on an offensively floundering team. (A limp dick would score points playing with Kane though.) Then there’s Max Domi, who ragdolled halfhearted-Duncan-Keith-replacement Connor Murphy last season when he was on the Blue Jackets. He’s already successfully played his way off the first line with Kane as we saw resurgences of Daydream Nation in this preseason—squint and you will remember better days. Depending on how quickly the Hawks fall out of the gate it’s likely neither of these dudes will be in Hawks uniforms by the end of this season.

The rest of the offensive lineup is incredibly underwhelming to me, though I pray I’ll change my mind after watching a few games. Most of the forward corps is a jumble of bottom-six forwards on a normal team, but plenty will be thrusted into top-six positions for the Hawks. The 2nd line pairing of Tyler Johnson (who is who he is at this point) and Taylor Raddysh (who just needs an opportunity to realize his potential!) are great examples of this. On the bottom six, Philipp Kurashev survived Davidson cleaning house of all offensive-minded forwards, and although he’s still just 23 I am not sure if I’d pin him as the breakout star of this season. God knows there’s a place for him to be that there if he wills it, though. He’s on a line with Sam Lafferty, who is fast but doesn’t have a ton of finish, and Mackenzie Entwistle, who is still young but is coming off just a 12-point season, so maybe Kurashev is actually screwed here. Finally, rounding out the fourth line is Colin Blackwell and Buddy Robinson, who are the equivalent of two ships passing me quietly in the night. They center Jujhar Khaira, who I’m just glad is back on the ice after getting bulldozed by professional assclown Jacob Trouba in December 2021 and dealing with concussion issues for the rest of the season.

On defense…well, not a ton has changed. The Joneses continue to be rostered, although Amy’s Youngest will be starting this season on the IR. Our top pairing of Amy’s Eldest and one of the Johnson simulations (Jack) find themselves reunited not only on the ice but off the ice as well in the I Played For John Tortorella in Columbus Support Group that I can only assume they are a part of. Murphy is hopefully healthy despite dealing with some back tightness to start off the preseason, leading him to miss a couple of games. (He might ask Coach if he could miss a few more after spending some time dragging around Tinordi on his pairing.) Jake McCabe, who is currently being held together by duct tape at Luke Richardson’s personal request, made his way onto the roster despite another major surgery this offseason, so expect to see him in the lineup once he feels fully healthy. And to round out the pairings, we’ll be able to watch two future pieces of the Blackhawks blueline in Filip Roos and Alec Regula probably get skulled by every opponent. But hey, at least it’s just two young guys getting skulled instead of the entire prospect pipeline.

We were all tossing and turning at night wondering what the Hawks goaltending could possibly look like this season. Considering Arvid Soderblom is 23 which is like 15 in goalie years, more stopgaps had to be placed on the NHL roster so he could continue with his development elsewhere. Unfortunately, the stopgaps available to us were…Peter Mrazek and Alex Stalock? Mrazek’s stellar .888 save percentage on a 115-point Maple Leafs team last year sounds about right to me. People will hold out hope he’ll return to his .923 numbers that he had with the Hurricanes in 2020-21, but that was behind a competent team with solid offense and defense, neither of which Mrazek is gonna see between the pipes in the United Center. Stalock has drifted between “meh” and “serviceable” during his time with the Wild between the years of 2016-2020 but considering his age and the fact that an injury sidelined him for all but one game last year, it will likely take him a while to get his footing.

To round it all out, the Hawks get to start their season against the defending Stanley Cup champion Colorado Avalanche, who are still considered contenders this year by just about every sportswriter I’ve seen on Twitter Dot Com. It will probably get bad real quick, right off the bat, and we’ll have to get comfy in the muck and mire that will be the rest of the season. But if you’ve read until here, you’re a fan for the long haul and will stick around for as long as it takes to see a contending team get built here again. Hopefully there will be some silver lining to this season—like Lukas Reichel’s eventual callup—that will make things Fun-Bad in the meantime. We’ll try to hold down the fort here, previewing and wrapping groups of games as much as we can, and hope to see you along for the ride.

Baseball

Back Where We Belong – Cubs Lose Series Against Braves, Brewers

By Summer Corson 261

The Cubs’ fall from grace was fast and frankly, expected—they haven’t won a series yet this year outside of their first against the Brewers, catching them when Milwaukee’s pitching seemed to think the season started a week later than it really did. The Brewers are back to the top of the NL Central standings and their pitchers are back to shutting the Cubs out, outscoring them this past weekend 20-4. The defending World Series champion Braves also mostly dominated the Cubs, winning two out of three games. There’s not a lot you can do against a team with multiple Gold Glove winners—the Cubs aren’t that team anymore.

Slightly more concerning is the fact that the Cubs pitching continues to be a rollercoaster ride I’d prefer to get off of. The starters largely haven’t been able to hold things together, meaning the bullpen is eating innings like nobody’s business. And we saw exactly what happened when this same scenario went down for the Cubs last year, and that was a significantly better team than what we’re trotting out this year. We are still without staples like Alec Mills, Adbert Alzolay and Wade Miley, but so far the starters who were supposed to be holding it down largely aren’t doing that right now.

  • Mark Leiter Jr. finally got optioned, as the Cubs tried to cram him in as a starter despite him not having played in the MLB since 2018. It went about as well as you’d think, as he took the mound against the Braves on Wednesday trying to improve upon his ERA of 11.05. He stayed in for the first 2 innings, which took him 45 pitches to get through, and only four of them were called strikes. He then came in as a bullpen guy on Friday after Hendricks had already given up 7 runs. Leiter Jr. pitched one inning in which he had three strikeouts and only one hit. He seems to be better and more comfortable there, and if he does get called up again that is a better place for him to stay than as a starter.
  • Marcus Stroman has been an experience for the Cubs, being objectively bad all the way up until Sunday’s game when he finally got his first win of the season. Stroman can at least throw strikeouts, but the hits he gives up can get dicey, especially if Michael Hermosillo is playing at center and has to field just about every ball in just about every at-bat. It got almost comical on Tuesday. I’m just praying Stroman can build on Sunday’s win, where he pitched 7 innings and only allowed two hits. That’s the kind of performance he needs to be consistently putting up if this team is going to not be shit for the next 5 months.
  • Even Seiya Suzuki cooled down a bit this past week, with eight strikeouts in his past six games and a three-game hitless streak Saturday-Monday. He’s also only had one walk since April 21, showing that pitchers around the league have started to figure him out a little bit. This is what I was expecting to start out the season, as players are streaky throughout the year. But the Cubs are better when Seiya is hitting, and he is still 16th in the league in OPS, so hopefully he’s able to get hot again soon.
  • Comparing Anthony Rizzo’s offensive numbers so far this year against Frank Schwindel’s brings me great sadness.

The Cubs play the White Sox (9-13) and the Dodgers (14-7) this week. It will probably go as bad as you can imagine against Los Angeles, but if the Cubs can get quality starts they might have a chance against the Sox. But quality starts are really a necessity at this point. Go Cubs go!

Hockey

Seeking a Friend for the End of the World – Hawks beat Sharks, lose to Predators and Flames

By Summer Corson 198

The Hawks did about what was expected the last three games, looking alive enough to win one game for Pat Foley before they ended up getting schooled by Nashville and Calgary, two playoff teams of differing skill levels that still skated circles around the Hawks. As is life on Madison these days.

Lukas Reichel’s first-year contract is now officially burned as he garnered around 31 minutes for a team playing for nothing. You would think doing this goes directly against the organization’s narrative of keeping all other Hawks prospects down in Rockford for the Tomato Can Playoff Push while players like Riley Stillman, Erik Gustafsson and others get NHL minutes instead of them, and turns out the front office realized the same, as it was announced last night he was heading back to Rockford this morning to go win the Tomato Can Hockey Cup. Good luck!

Thursday 4/14
Hawks 5, Sharks 4 (Hawks win! Hawks win!)
Box Score
Natural Stat Trick

The Hawks finally got their give-a-shit meters to work again, and all it took was their beloved announcer calling his last NHL game and a matchup against another garbage team on a losing streak of their own. Kane, the Cat, Strome and Amy’s Eldest had multi-point nights, while Raddysh with a Y extended his scoring streak to two games. On the other end of that spectrum, defense was nowhere to be found, Reichel took away a puck in the 2nd and then immediately gave it away again five seconds later for his highlight of the night, and Toews, Dach and newly signed Reese Johnson were pointless in this game that should’ve been a point-grabbing free-for-all for every player involved.

The Hawks and Sharks seemed to trade goals all night, as the goaltenders on both sides of the ice were downright bad. Lankinen’s positioning and rebound control were, of course, all over the place, and the Sharks always seemed to have an answer for whatever goal the Hawks scored. Overtime sucked, as both teams didn’t really do shit on either end, trying to get to the shootout, I guess. But the Hawks can still cling to shootouts as something they’re relatively good at, and were able to win the game because of it thanks to a nasty goal by the Cat. Someone’s gotta get it done.

Outside of all the offense, there was too much clowning in this game for my liking. The fact that the Hawks punched Timo Meier in the head because he did a snow spray on Kevin Lankinen was a choice, and then Stillman fighting Jeffrey Viel over it was also a choice, and then Jake McCabe taking a myriad of dumbass roughing and unsportsmanlike conduct penalties was by far the stupidest, most exhausting shit of the night. Remember when this guy was signed to be an effective shutdown defenseman or whatever the fuck? You can’t do that when you’re in the box. It’s time to move on from this style of hockey, I’m exhausted.

Saturday 4/16
Hawks 3, Predators 4
Box Score
Natural Stat Trick

Starting this game out by watching Jeremy Lauzon’s knee bend in ways it should never be able to bend was certainly not the best, and the Predators were able to get out ahead soon after that to set the tone for the game. The Hawks led once thanks to efforts by goals by Kane and Dominik Kubalik later on in the 1st and 2nd periods, one in which Kane mouthed off to some dude in front row seats because that’s hockey baby. Reichel and his newly-burned first-year contract got his first NHL point in a pretty neat assist to Kubalik’s goal, however, and we’ve all been waiting for that. It was a good moment.

Lankinen didn’t look too terrible in this game either, making more impressive saves in this game than the previous. But right after Mackenzie Entwhistle and Boris Katchouk were assessed penalties—including one game misconduct—for REASONS, the Predators completely turned the game around in their favor, with Roman Josi scoring just a minute later to tie things up. Two more Predators goals at the end of the 2nd and the 3rd sealed the deal for the Hawks—the first goal on a Nashville powerplay thanks to Alex Vlasic and a dumb high sticking penalty, speaking of clowning. Despite Kane making a passing play that any Joe Schmoe, including Stillman, can put into the back of the net, the Hawks were pretty overpowered in this game and it showed as they came up empty in the points column.

Monday 4/18
Hawks 2, Flames 5
Box Score
Natural Stat Trick

I predicted this outcome, and I’m sure you did too. And the Flames spent no time making the Hawks look silly, scoring 22 seconds into the game with a fluky goal that Lankinen will probably see in his nightmares. In fact, the Flames had two goals before the Hawks could even register a shot on the fucking net, as I continue to be perplexed as to why Raddysh with a Y was the one tasked to try and stop Johnny fucking Gaudreau from scoring, a mistake I’m sure Derek King and his man behind the curtain will not make again.

The two teams’ meatheads in Nikita Zadorov and Jake McCabe went at it after Zadorov continued to show his ass by putting a big hit on Toews in the first period. Toews then got high sticked right off the faceoff, had to leave to get stitches, and the Flames scored again to put them ahead for the rest of the game, though Alec Regula scored the second and final Hawks goal in the 2nd period with a shot from the point that probably shouldn’t have gone in. Then the Flames rested on their laurels for a majority of the 3rd period, getting only four shots on net in those 20 minutes, probably because they knew they’d have multiple empty net opportunities with the Hawks yanking Lankinen for the extra attacker like always. Johnny Gaudreau isn’t going to miss those empty netters, and this game was no exception.

—

Thank God we’re almost to the end, and this schedule will be a tad easier as the Hawks revisit the Kings and Sharks near the tail end and face the Coyotes, barely an NHL team, tomorrow night. Can’t wait to see who will muck it up this time!

Baseball

Closer to What We Expected – Cubs Split Series with Pirates, Rockies

By Summer Corson 190

Now that we have over a week of baseball under our belts, the Cubs have begun to fall closer to where they were expected to be—tied for 2nd (with the Pirates?) in this shitty division with a 5-4 record. The Pirates no longer seem like the world’s easiest team to beat, and the Rockies look to have only about 3 men that can definitely be counted on for offense, so any Cubs issues with pitching seemed to just level themselves out in the end as the team went .500 overall this week.

While I’m still not inclined to say the offense is “fixed”—Coors Field is a hitting anomaly, after all—it still seems like the Cubs are getting the runs and offense they need from players across the board. I’m hoping that some of the dicey pitching we saw was also a Coors Field anomaly, though whenever we can get some of our regular guys healthy again, both in the rotation and the pen, would be incredibly helpful. To the bullets!

  • Kyle Hendricks didn’t look too good against the Pirates, allowing 7 hits and 6 runs in 3.2 innings, taking the loss for the team. He threw way less strikes than he did on Opening Day, and his number of swinging strikes between those two outings plummeted from 17 to 6—yikes. Though weak contact is Hendricks’s whole MO, we need all the strikes we can get from him now with the Cubs field being bereft of Gold Glove defensemen. He’ll be on the mound again tomorrow and hopefully give a better performance.
  • Seiya Suzuki’s two solo homers on Tuesday were the sole reason why the Cubs didn’t get swept entirely by the Pirates. If the team hadn’t signed him, this season would be a lot bleaker. But other teams have begun to catch on, especially to the fact that Suzuki absolutely refuses to swing at anything outside of the zone, and when he does swing, he’s dangerous. The Rockies intentionally walked him twice this series in big situations with runners on base, and his next at-bat last night after being intentionally walked gave him his 4th home run of the season. He’s no secret at the plate around the MLB, but that doesn’t seem to stop him from getting on base. Keep ‘em coming.
  • I was ready to throw the book at Patrick Wisdom, but it looks like he’s just going to continue to be his incredibly streaky self. He started out the season with only 1 hit in 23 plate appearances and a .048 batting average, but then racked up 6 hits in the final three games against the Rockies to bring it up to .233. If Wisdom can carry on his more recent streak of hitting well, that would be great, because when he’s not on it’s painful to watch, especially when he’s making mistakes in the field as well, which happens more often than any of us would prefer.
  • Any time Jonathan Villar did anything at shortstop on Thursday I just wished Javy Baez was back—did you ever really appreciate the crazy plays El Mago would make before he left? While Javy is a tough act to follow, sometimes Villar just couldn’t make those plays you took for granted. His one error of the season so far came at short on Thursday—it seems like 2nd base is where he should be playing from now on. He also had 8 hits this weekend while not even playing last night, which makes any smaller defensive fumbles easier to turn a blind eye to for now. And yes, those hits were still at Coors Field, and things could change at the drop of a hat, but for now it’s too early for me to judge him.
  • Kris Bryant had 5 hits this series, all of them beauties. They could’ve been for the Cubs. I miss him. Fuck Ricketts.

Next up this week the Cubs will play three games against the Rays and Pirates, two teams who are either at or just a hair above .500 this season. The Rays lost their weekend series against the White Sox, though their one win last night was a 9-3 crushing. Other than the Sox, the Rays have had what would seem like an easy schedule to start the year with games against the Orioles and Athletics, and yet are still coming out the other side at only .500, so that’s where that team’s at. Since we last saw the Pirates earlier this week, they won 3 of 4 games against the Nationals.

Go Cubs go!

Hockey

Now I Get Up Around Whenever, I Used to Get Up on Time – San Jose, Nashville, Calgary Preview

By Summer Corson 207

The Hawks seem very determined to end this season with a whimper, as the losing streak continues to stretch on for as far as the eye can see and quite possibly with no end in sight if the team’s play over the last few games is any glimpse into the future. McClure pretty much summed up how we all feel in his last wrap, which can be boiled down to “sick of everyone’s shit.” It also doesn’t help that we’re all jonesing for Lukas Reichel’s first NHL point, in which he was denied despite having multiple good chances in the most recent Hawks shellacking against the Kings.

There’s not a lot to look forward to as most Chicagoans have turned their sporting attention to whichever baseball team pleases them most, which can be easily seen in Tuesday’s crowd numbers at the United Center, appearing to be one of the lowest of the season. If you are one of the very few who will be tuning in to watch this dreck (or perhaps just tonight’s ceremony honoring the career of Pat Foley), here’s the rundown of the opposition.

4/14 vs. San Jose

Game Time: 7:30 PM CST
TV/Radio: NBCSCH / WGN 720
Nice Shark, Not a Mindless Eating Machine: Fear the Fin

It’s a battle of the bad teams, as the Sharks somehow beat out the Hawks for the longer losing streak, which is at seven games and against mostly playoff teams, though a 5-2 loss to Arizona is quite embarrassing. We should know, as we’ve recently been there.

The biggest news in the Sharks universe is that Doug Wilson has officially stepped down as general manager for health-related reasons. The team is already a bit of a tire fire on the ice, and now that an extensive search for the new GM has begun in San Jose, there aren’t a lot of Sharks who should feel safe. Like the Hawks, the goaltending situation for next year is very much up in the air, as none of the five goaltenders who have played for the team this year have particularly stellar numbers. James Reimer, with the majority of the starts, and Kaapo Kahkonen, traded from the Wild at the deadline, are looking at .915 and .913 save percentages respectively, which is about as average as it gets. Kahkonen is probably a lock as the veteran netminder who stopped 40 of 41 shots in the Sharks’ brutal 1-0 OT loss to Nashville, but there’s also Adin Hill to look at as well, who has started the second-most games this year and probably wouldn’t clear waivers. I do not envy whoever’s job it is to sort that out.

On the offensive front, there are only three players on the Sharks with more than 12 goals this season, and only two players over 50 points (though Logan Couture is at 49). In many ways, this team mirrors the Hawks with these kinds of stats, except that the Sharks organization is still in denial about their situation and is still trying their best to get back into playoff contention next year—that is, if owner Hasso Plattner has anything to say about it. Either way, this game could be high-scoring and amusing if both teams come out to play. Or not. The Hawks have nothing to play for and look it.

4/16 @ Nashville

Game Time: 11:30 AM CST
TV/Radio: NBCSCH / WGN 720
Team from the North Country: On the Forecheck

The Predators are currently fighting for their playoff lives against the Stars and Golden Knights (I guess) and find themselves currently sitting in the first wild card spot in the west. It seems unlikely they will be able to catch St. Louis for the third spot in the Central Division with a 7-point gap between the two teams. Dallas is only a point behind them in the 2nd spot, which neither team will want to be in, as the 2nd wild card team will have to play a game called “How many playoff games can you survive before the Avalanche inevitably crush you?” To make things more amusing, the Predators have the hardest schedule down the stretch with 7 of their final 10 games coming against playoff teams, including Colorado, Calgary twice, and Tampa Bay. This Hawks game is essentially must-win for the team, as it is far and away their easiest on the docket.

The Predators can mostly thank Roman Josi for being where they are now, as he has gone on an offensive tear that blows all of his previous stats completely out of the water. He has 19 goals and 68 assists for 87 points on the year, good for being in on 13% of all goals and assists the Preds have scored this season. To give more credit where credit is due, Matt Duchene bounced back from his horrific season last year to score career highs in goals and points. Filip Forsberg is also blowing away all his previous stats with 72 points this year. And let’s not forget the time-honored tradition (if you can call 2 seasons a tradition) of Juuse Saros putting up a .920-something save percentage. And considering your backup goalie is David Rittich (I shudder at the thought), Saros will likely be ridden hard into the playoffs and depended on for every game.

The Predators will be desperate for an easy win, so I’m sure this game won’t go poorly at all.

4/18 vs. Calgary

Game Time: 7:00 PM CST
TV/Radio: SN, NBCSCH / WGN 720
You Don’t Care for Me, I Don’t a-Care about That: The ScorchStack

An absolute ass kicking will commence here. Kevin Lankinen or Collin Delia or whoever Joe Schmoe the Hawks will trot out in net will get absolutely pummeled, shellacked, lit up by the Flames and their fearless leader Johnny Gaudreau, fourth in the league with 101 (!) fucking points because of course he is. There have only been 8 other Flames in the franchise’s history to hit 100 points, so Gaudreau hitting that milestone in their most recent game was a pretty big deal, and a big reason why the team is currently on a 5-game winning streak. (Feasting on the Seattle Kraken for two games in a row doesn’t hurt either.) His linemates, Matthew Tkachuk and Elias Lindholm, are both having career-best seasons offensively, but are just as much of a pain in the ass defensively as well—God help the Hawks as they try to get by or stop these three.

Other than the first line, secondary scoring is probably a bit of a concern for Calgary as they head into the playoffs. As everyone knows around here, it takes contribution from more than one line to win the Stanley Cup. The Flames have been doing well thanks to their solid defensive metrics, including having the third-least scoring chances against them in the league this season. It also helps when your goaltender Jacob Markstrom has a .924 save percentage, and Flames fans everywhere breathed a sigh of relief when Connor Mackey made his debut for the team against the Sharks, putting old pal Nikita Zadorov on the bench. Anytime his ass can be stapled there will improve the defense on whatever team he may be on.