Everything Else

Game #3 – Leafs vs. Hawks Spotlight: The Leafs Need A Dermott-ologist…Eh? Eh? We Have Fun

By Sam Fels 1670 0

While there are still some bonfires to put out around the GTA (they call it that, we don’t) after the signing of John Tavares, whether the Leafs actually go where they’ve never gone in our lifetimes or are left holding their dick in their hand in the first round again is still going to be based on what they can get from the blue line. Because at first glance, it’s just not up to snuff to get past Boston or Tampa or possibly both in the first two rounds (or maybe even a spiky Florida side).

For a few years now, because they don’t have anyone else, Leafs fans and media have tried to tell everyone (or just convince themselves) that Morgan Rielly not only was enough, but is going to be a Norris candidate. That’s unlikely, as these days it takes something like 75 points from the back to even get voters to notice, and Rielly’s 54 last year were by far a career-high. And they were mostly due to a spike in his power play assists. Seeing as how the Leafs have been toying with the idea of five forwards on the first power play unit, he’ll be hard-pressed to match that again.

The Leafs do have something of a secret weapon a little further down the depth chart, and that’s Travis Dermott. His numbers aren’t going to pop off the page. He only had 13 points last year. He’s not going to get any power play time. He’s hanging out on the third-pairing with a nameless collection of vowels Igor Ozhiganov, or will be dragging around spare tire veterans like Martin Marincin or whatever Justin Holl is.

It won’t be anything new to Dermott. Last year, he was given the resistance-training that is being partnered with Roman Polak. Remember those parachute-drills various Hawks returning from injury used to do? It’s like that but also with 25-pound weights affixed to your ankles. And Polak farts on you the whole time.

Even with that. Dermott put up some of the more impressive underlying numbers in the league. He had the fourth-best relative-Corsi of any d-man in the league that played over 500 minutes. Better than Brent Burns or Dougie Hamilton. He had the sixth-best expected goals percentage relative to his team as well. When he was on the ice, the Leafs were on the right side of it, even with Polak and his technicolor yawn back there.

Now, you can take some of those numbers with a grain of salt. That category can be populated by third-pairing bum-slayers. Erik Gustafsson had some of the best marks in those categories as well.

But one of the things that separates the good teams from the league’s majority of “bleh” is that they get more from third lines and third-pairings. That they don’t have to drop the pace when the artisans are out there instead of the artists. Much like the departed Tyler Bozak, Dermott benefitted from everyone else doing the minesweeping. He played mostly behind Bozak and James van Riemsdyk, and he helped those forwards put up serious numbers.

If the Leafs are going to improve back there, then Dermott is going to have to force Mike Babcock into some decisions. Which is legendarily hard to do. He hates young d-men, which is probably why Kyle Dubas has given him nothing but, aside from Ron Hainsey. He’s not going to be able to run for the bastion of Roman Polak, such as it is. He’s going to have to play these players.

But the Leafs know where things go with Jake Gardiner and Nikita Zaitsev. It’s fine. It’s the non-spicy sauce. It’ll do, but you won’t remember it.

Dermott has some pedigree to do more. He averaged a point-per-game in his last season in junior, though in the OHL that’s pretty much the buy-in. He didn’t score that much in his one full season in the AHL. The Leafs don’t need a point-per-game, which he’d struggle to get to without any power play time anyway. What they do need is someone to drive play higher up the lineup. Dermott may be the better bet than Zaitsev.

 

Game #3 Preview Suite

Preview

Spotlight

Q&A

Douchebag Du Jour

I Make A Lot Of Graphs

Lineups & How Teams Were Build

 

Everything Else

Game #3 – Leafs vs. Hawks Q&A: A Deranged Loon From The GTA…No, Not That One

By Sam Fels 1717 0

We only wish it was Grand Theft Auto. Most of the people we find for this don’t want to be identified because either they’re people looking for them, don’t want to be associated with us, or both. This is yet another case. Dark things lurk in the musty corners of Twitter, and we found this one called Zubes. Follow him @the_Zubes…if you love the absurd. 

While we’re sure you’re basically in a state of hysteria all the time with the rest of Leafs Nation, tell us why this blue line will be better than we think.
– It starts with addition by subtraction. Prior to the first game of the season I can admit that I didn’t know what an Igor Ozhiganov was. BUT, from the same line of thinking that brought you, “We need to get rid of Matt Stajan even if it means taking on Dion Phaneuf” and “We need to get rid of Dion Phaneuf even if it means we get literally nothing” and “We need to get rid of Phil Kessel even if it means we are gift-wrapping Pittsburgh two Cups”, they needed to get rid of Roman Polak, even if it meant throwing a random collection of vowels on the bottom pairing.
Ultimately, the answer to your question comes down to Jake Gardiner. You’re either a “Jake Gardiner is better than you are giving him credit for” or you’re “Jake Gardiner isn’t as bad as you’re saying he is.” The issue this year is that he eventually has to get paid and no matter what he gets it’ll be the wrong amount. Every year around the deadline Maple Leafs fans convince themselves the team is about to cash in on the forward depth (we’re the only team with good young forward prospects – the AHL team is almost TOO talented) and add a difference maker back there to ease the load on everyone’s back. Having already pushed so many chips into the middle with the Tavares move, the shouts to do that very type of trade will be louder than ever and I think most of us are assuming this is the year something along those lines actually happens.
If they don’t make any moves though? Oh, we’ll just add a random AHL defenceman. The Marlies are so good, man.
Also, why we’re at it, why Fredrik Andersen won’t shit a chicken in a Game 7 again. If he has a major dip in the regular season would the Leafs think about going to get someone else?
– Similar to the Jake Gardiner split, a lot of people decided to stake their reputations on Freddie (we call him Freddie because it makes him sound more Canadian) being very slightly above average last year while taking more shots than Ed Belfour before he tries to bribe a cop with a billion dollars. A lot of people are going to hope that the answer to question one will help out here in question two, but I have very little faith. The brain boys in charge seem to be all hyped up on blog posts that explain to rubes “Puck possession is all that matters and goaltending is unpredictable, no we aren’t just saying that because it is hard to quantify”, but count me in the camp with basically no faith in the goaltending. They just let two reasonably okay backups go on waivers (Wow, the whole league wants to gobble up players that couldn’t crack this roster, what a blessing to have so much talent) so I think the powers that be have more faith – way too much faith – in him than I do. It will end in tears, especially when the same problems are lingering on the blue line and crease come deadline time and all that ends up happening is a deal for a 4th line centre.
Backup goalie Garrett Sparks (with a name like a YouTube star) cried the first time he played a game here because he’s a local, so expect his leash to be longer than you would think from the average backup.
Are the problems between Auston Matthews and Mike Babcock real? Will Babs finally take off the tire chains for a team with this much firepower?
– Much like Roman Polak, the first thing noted NJPW weeb Kyle Dubas had to do with the forward group is take away Babs’ toys and force him to not play absolute plugs like Matt Martin and Leo Komarov for half the game. I think the 5-on-5 lines will remain a mix of things like “Tyler Ennis and Zach Hyman on lines with the two best players” but the powerplay units should be as legit as they come. Failing to be a top powerplay team this year would be an unanswerable failure.
More than one person that is closer than I am to the team has whispered that most of the young guys just sort of roll their eyes at Babcock, but does anyone under 25 in the NHL really like their coach? Dubas is letting them grow beards and wear whatever number they want, so the hope is that having a “successful older cousin that talks to you about emo at Thanksgiving and tags you in memes on instagram” type matters to them more than the military dad that yells at you in the car on the way home from your games.
How does this whole William Nylander thing end?
Baldness. And I think Dreamboat Willie will end up around $7M x 6 or so, but it won’t happen for another few weeks. Also, William is starting to lose the wings of his hair first, so he will keep it long so people don’t see how thin his hair is getting. It will be buzzed / shaved before whatever contract he signs is over.

 

Game #3 Preview Suite

Preview

Spotlight

Q&A

Douchebag Du Jour

I Make A Lot Of Graphs

Lineups & How Teams Were Build

 

Everything Else

Game #3 – Leafs vs. Hawks Douchebag Du Jour: Kyle Dubas Is Basically Canadian Lindsey Graham

By Sam Fels 3165 0

It didn’t take much this summer for the hockey media to become completely agog that new GM Kyle Dubas was able to do, stick with me here, MATH to find a way to fit John Tavares into the Maple Leafs’ salary cap. That he was able to use the considerable wealth of the Leafs–y’know, the one in the biggest hockey market there is–to push a good portion into signing bonus and drop the cap hit to a more manageable $11 million per year, when Tavares could have taken up more space. It hasn’t helped them sign Michael Nylander yet, but clearly he’s just a greedy European who hates Canada and hockey and really society altogether, if the Toronto media is to be believed.

Normally, and we’ve said this before, we would want someone like Dubas to succeed. The NHL needs more minds from a different place than “played the game.” It needs more and better ideas than “hard to play against.” It needs to catch up in how the game is analyzed and how teams are built, and if you need more of a clue as to why, then check out Dubas’s predecessor immediately taking the trash off Dubas’s hands with Lou Lamiorello acquiring Matt Martin and Leo Komarov for the Islanders.

Though Dubas has been with the Leafs for a few seasons now, this is the first time he’s had any influence over their decisions. Make no mistake, he was kept in a dark room with a tennis ball to entertain himself while Lou made the calls. Which is how you end up with Martin and Komarov in the first place. And Roman Polak continually being a pothole on the defense.

But we’ll never get past Dubas’s history with the Soo Greyhounds, and his simply abhorrent and disgusting handling of rape charges against three of his players (one of which was Nick Cousins). Moreover, he’s never been asked about this by the very grunt-y Toronto media, who assuredly would rather stick their head in the sand than have to talk about anything other than why this is the year that Freddy Andersen finally gets it, only to toss him in front of several buses when he pukes it up again.

A refresher: when three of Dubas’s players were charged with rape, they were put kept away from training camp for “… attending a “confidential behavioural wellness program” because they need help dealing “with the stress associated with the charges,” according to Greyhounds GM Kyle Dubas. Despite the severity of the charges, the team has not suspended them.

Another choice quote: “We just wanted to handle things the best we could. We supported the players as best we could with what they needed off the ice.”

Want another?

“The people running the (confidential) program are going to give us the nod of approval when they feel all three young men are ready to be reintegrated back into the team,” said Dubas on Sept. 4. “They’ll give us the approval on it when they believe the boys are ready… Hockey is not the priority for them right now.”

Let’s cap it off: “The scars remain for all of the people involved. But unfortunately there’s nothing we can do about that.”

No, there is something Dubas could do, and that’s at some point, any point, to admit he got this one wrong. Let’s even back up from that. Someone, ANYONE, could ask him about it what with the changes we’ve seen in our culture in just the past year.

Would he put the players’ “stress” at the top of his priorities again? Would he make their “pain” out to be just as bad as the alleged victim’s?

Don’t worry, no one’s ever going to ask. And until someone does, and until he answers, Dubas is part of hockey’s ongoing and simply unacceptable problem with sexual assault.

Game #3 Preview Suite

Preview

Spotlight

Q&A

Douchebag Du Jour

I Make A Lot Of Graphs

Lineups & How Teams Were Build

 

Everything Else

Old Man Yells About Young Men/Your First Tonight I’m Gonna Rock You Tonight

By Sam Fels 1524 0

One of the worst things about hockey is the amount of old, concussed, entitled men who are not just around the game, but actually running it. It seems the only qualification to be the GM or president of a lot of teams, or a broadcaster, is that you can tell people what was the hot spot to hang out at after a game at the Hartford Civic Center (answer: there wasn’t one).

Brendan Shanahan isn’t as old as some, but he’s doing a damn fine impression of them. If you want the detailed version, here you go. If you want the cliff notes, it’s basically that Shanahan thinks everyone player on the Leafs should take less money than they can get to keep the team together, and here’s the kicker, because that’s what they did in Detroit. The money-shot: “At the end of the day we all found a way to fit with each other so that we could keep adding to the group.”

Gee, what could that method have been? I’m not sure, but I think it had something to do with no salary cap and Mike Illitch’s checkbook.

This is Brendan Shanahan, who had to be dealt to the previously mentioned Hartford because of his maximized contract from the Blues. And then traded to Detroit with that same contract.

That same Detroit team that had Sergei Fedorov making $28 million one season due to signing bonuses. That same Wings team that paid Shanahan $3.6 million in 1998, and now think of that in 2018 dollars. Shanahan also made $6 million in 2002, and again, translate that to 2018 dollars. Also on that 2002 team, 104-year-old Brett Hull made $3.5M, Lidstrom made $8.5M, Luc Robitaille made $4M while being older than Hull somehow, Yzerman made $7.5M, Chelios made $5.5M, and the biggest, brain-gooifying fact is that Uwe Krupp made $4.5M. That’s $40 million, in 2002 mind you, for six players.

They’re practically fucking Job, they are!

While it’s a nice thought for Leafs fans, and probably is meant to poison the water for said players against those fans in upcoming negotiations, they don’t owe the Leafs shit. The Leafs are just the team that happened to draft them. 29 other teams would have gladly taken Nylander or Matthews or Marner if the Leafs didn’t. The system is already rigged against most players that are either in their prime or approaching it.

Maybe Shanahan should explain to his fans why they’re paying Patrick Marleau and his oatmeal $6 million for two more seasons or Ron Hainsey $3 million when they need to sign these players. And they still have $30 million in cap space for next year, plus whatever the cap changes.

Shanahan can go get fucked, is what I’m saying. Anyway, here’s tonight’s stuff:

First Screen Viewing

Ducks vs. Sharks – 9:30

Erik Karlsson’s unveiling, and one of the more boisterous joints in the league should be jumping. It’s pretty exciting to see what the Sharks might look like with #65 in tow, and how they handle the expectations. The Ducks are annoyingly metronomic and these games usually turn pretty chippy. The power play the Sharks are sporting could be showtime.

Second Screen Viewing

Canadiens v. Leafs – 6pm

Well of course the season has to start in Toronto. It’s amazing they’ll play games anywhere else, honestly. Still, it’s Tavares’s debut and as much as the noise around them is going to drive us all to drink more, the product on the ice should be highly entertaining. Assuming Mike Babcock doesn’t get in the way. And hey, who doesn’t enjoy the Habs getting paddled?

Other Games

Bruins v. Caps – 6:30

Flames v. Canucks – 9pm

Everything Else

You Share The Same Fate As The People You Hate – ’18-’19 Team Previews: Toronto Maple Leafs

By Matt McClure 2115 0

But how does this affect the Leafs?

Any time literally anything in hockey, or sports in general happens, the Canadian Hockey Media and 95% of Canadian hockey fans pen either short or longform thoughts on this exact hypothetical. Maple Leafs fans are the most populous group in the sport, and they are also the most vocal and the most incapable of dealing with other human beings on any real level. They have made a ball hockey playing Baby Huey, a face painted cigarette smoking sexist, and an actual psychopath shrieking in front of his action figures in his basement “experts” via social media. Those that don’t even fall into those extremes are far more concerned with salary cap ramifications than the realities of actually winning a championship because doing so would completely strip them of their narcissistic, cloyingly self-deprecating, head-up-their-own-ass fandom. The latter tendency has led them to form a cult around a Rivers Cuomo looking ass motherfucker of a GM, whose sexual politics might actually be worse that Rivers’ in simply brushing aside a sexual assault scandal when he was in charge of a junior team. But hey, he hired a woman and bloggers for the front office, and a Candian junior team needs to have a bus accident to avoid having a sexual assault scandal of one form or another, so Kyle Dubas is a beloved figure kind of by default. It’s a goddamn shame that the on-ice product will probably be some of the most watchable hockey in the league, because all of the bullshit around this team is enough to gag anyone whose face isn’t painted blue and white.

’17-’18: 49W-26L-7OT 105PTS 277GF 232GA 24.9%PP 81.4%PK 49.82%CF 9.01%SH .9287SV%

 

Forwards: Might as well switch up the format and get right to it here, because this was already one of the more stacked groups in the league, and it only got moreso by adding the biggest free agent since the last lockout in erstwhile Islanders captain and hometown boy John Tavares. But while the crowing masses already planning the parade down Yonge St. still love to squawk about Dubas’ being a BRAIN GEANIOUS, he still managed to throw the first ever maximum salary in the form of almost entirely lump sum signing bonuses at Tavares even when it probably wouldn’t have taken that much arm twisting to get him to want to play in his home town with the current roster. That’s not to say it’s not a brilliant contract, as the Leafs are one of maybe like 3 teams in the league that can possibly afford that much out of pocket and it’s tremendous leverage considering that money up front is always preferable for athletic contracts, but there’s no need to pretend like this is some small market coup as the masses did. The resultant flip side of that coin is that dynamic winger William Nylander is still an unsigned restricted free agent, and because most hockey fans are stupid and don’t realize that good players deserve to get paid, the line will likely be that he needs to take less money to keep this grouping together. Nylander still hasn’t reported to camp but he probably will, because nothing remotely interesting happens in these scenarios with the NHL’s boring ass GM’s. But even aside from Nylander, the Leafs have Auston Matthews to essentially be a co #1 center along with Tavares, which leaves the ever cantankerous and productive Nazem Kadri to take over the third/checking line assignment, where he will simply devour bums all season long. Mitch Marner‘s deft play making on the wing will make this top 6 arguably the best in the NHL, but there are still concerns here. For as much as everyone liked to talk shit, and deservedly so about Tyler Bozak‘s role in the Tronna offensive attack, he and the departed James Van Riemsdyk took a combined 98 points with them out the door to the Blues and Flyers respectively. John Tavares’ career high in point output is 86. So while this offense is certainly more dynamic, it might be running in place in terms of actual output, and preventing goals might be the bigger issue.

Defense: Now it gets fun. While Morgan Rielly (spell your name right dickhead) and Jake Gardiner are fine second pairing guys who can do a bit of everything alright, they’re not true #1 defensemen by any stretch of the imagination. Ron Hainsey is now 38 years old and will be asked to play more top 4 minutes. Nikita Zaitsev  needs to take a leap beyond being a bum slaying third pairing puck mover, but despite him being only in his third year in the league, he’ll be 27 next month, so at this point he kind of is what he is. Connor Carrick and Travis Dermott don’t really do anything for anyone, so compared to a lot of other groupings even in this division, the Leafs blue line is found wanting.

Goaltending: And here it is, the great undoing. Freddy Andersen probably doesn’t deserve this level of preemptive blame or responsibility, but deserve’s got nothing to do with it. Last year Andersen was completely serviceably average with a .918 overall and a .921 at evens, and proceeded to implode in the playoffs with an .896 in the Leafs’ 7 games of the first round. It’s not the first time Freddy has shat himself in the post-season, as a lifetime ago he sported a .901 in a 7 game Western Conference Final loss to the locals in red and black. “Frederik Andersen” is simply Dutch for “Evgeni Nabakov”- just good enough to break his team’s heart. He’ll be backed up at least to begin with by LOCAL GUY Garrett Sparks, whose 17 games of NHL experience came three years ago when the Leafs were willfully in the toilet trying (and succeeding) to tank for Auston Matthews.

Outlook: It’s a goddamn shame that everything else about this team sucks shit and is wildly irritating, because the process by which this team has been built has been as textbook as anyone could ask for in the modern NHL, and their forward grouping will be healthy if electric. But for all the bouquets thrown his way, Mike Babcock still has his blind spots and will find a way to get tomato cans into the lineup and coach conservatively despite having a trapeze troupe up front. But that may end up serving the team well given the state of things on the back end and in net, which will likely ultimately lead them to a second round out at the latest as other, more balanced teams within their division, specifically Tampa, will find ways to tear through the gaping holes on that blue line.

Previous Team Previews

Detroit Red Wings

Buffalo Sabres

Boston Bruins

Florida Panthers

Montreal Canadiens

Ottawa Senators

Tampa Bay Lightning

Everything Else

Let’s Go Around The World

By Sam Fels 2273 0

If the Hawks basically sat out the free agent period, let’s spin around the league and see what’s what now that the important stuff has shaken out.

-Clearly the biggest story of the upcoming season is going to be the Toronto Maple Leafs, and not just in the heads of their fans and media (which is really the same thing anyway). Whatever you might think of “Computer Boy” Kyle Dubas or their enclosed world view, this kind of “Fuck It I’m Throwing Deep” move is really rare in the NHL. Steve Yzerman gets praised for doing it, and really all he’s done is trade for Ryan McDonagh (though he might get Karlsson which would really be a one-up on the Leafs and send a good portion of their fanbase into their toy-filled basement…oh wait they never left there).

The question is how much better does this make them. Because they’ve lost Tyler Bozak and James van Riemsdyk to accommodate John Tavares, and that’s some 50 goals or more going out the door. Sure, Tavares improves whatever winger he’s with but almost certainly not to the level of the departed JVR.

And the Leafs still don’t really have anything on defense, though that unit was improved by stripping it of Roman Polak because Mike Babcock will play him. They’re still counting on a step forward from Morgan Rielly, but I think we know what he is at this point which is a pretty good rhythm guitarist but not a lead. Maybe a similar leap from Travis Dermott fills in these gaps, and as the Penguins and Knights have proven you don’t have to have a star-studded blue line to win, just one that gets it up to the forwards quickly and doesn’t wet itself in its own end.

Of course, those teams has top-end goaltending, and I don’t know how many Game 7 meltdowns people have to watch Freddie Andersen have before concluding he’s just good enough to break your heart. He’s only 28, and I suppose this is the time where he would  turn the corner if that’s going to happen. Still, you’re not getting past Tampa or Boston without goaltending, you’d think they’d know that already.

-Meanwhile, a little closer to home the Blues have also been aggressive, taking the ballast from the Leafs’ ship in the form of Tyler Bozak and trading for Ryan O’Reilly. This makes the Blues the most solid down the middle team in the division this side of Winnipeg. And yes, even more than Nashville because Ryan Johansen is facedown in a pile of ding-dongs right now and Kyle Turris just has that same bewildered look on his face. The Blues will still self-destruct trying to prove once again that Jay Gallon won’t shoot them all in the face accidentally, but they’ll probably rack up 100+ points before that happens. The Perron contract is stupid because he’s not spasming that season again and he’ll just fold under all the selfish penalties he takes, but they’re getting Fabbi Robbri back and if they can keep something from falling off Jaden Schwartz again they’ll be pretty dynamic. Sucks when they show more urgency than the Hawks do.

-Meanwhile, in the darkened and abandoned garage that has been the state of the Islanders for a good 30 years now, Lou Lamiorello continues to piss on his Hall of Fame pedigree by taking a team backwards. It’s one thing to lose out on re-signing Tavares, because hey that happens. But then to back it up by bringing in the stone-handed and stone-headed combo of Matt Martin and Leo Komarov, and then complain that every player is overpaid, sets this team back even more. As we’ve stated, Nofera-Lou hasn’t done anything in a decade to convince anyone the game hasn’t passed him by, and once he’s done turning into the Isles into something so foul they stop construction on the new arena halfway through maybe everyone else will realize.

Contrast that with Stan Bowman actively cheering Artemi Panarin to hit his bonuses in the press even though it would cause him a headache, or how the Hawks and other teams are so happy to pay their players, and maybe you start to see why most think working for Lou is a miserable experience. But it’s the Islanders, so is anyone really going to notice?

Everything Else

See, This Is The Kind Of Thing We’re Always Yelling About

By Sam Fels 2030 0

It wouldn’t be a good idea to use the New York Islanders as a barometer for what common thinking is in the NHL. Jon Ledecky and Scott Malkin are… well, we don’t really know but I’m going to go ahead and guess they’re not going to be mentioned with Socrates or Plato or Vecini. They got their new stadium, and good for them, because the Isles need it. They’ve kept around Garth Snow for too long, and making a change is probably a good idea.

But hiring Lou Lamoriello is the kind of dinosaur thinking and Old Boys Club that keeps this league squarely in its own ass, and why things like the Vegas Golden Knights can happen.

Ol’ Lou is a Hall of Famer, and rightly so. He built something of a dynasty in New Jersey, even if it was the last place anyone wanted one and it was the last team you’d ever want to watch. And maybe, yeah, they set the sport back a decade or six with the neutral zone trap. But hey, it worked, it won, no one was really doing it, and the NHL was flat-footed in figuring out how to stop it, or even figuring out it needed to stop it. Except the Red Wings kind of did it with Scotty Bowman and the left-wing lock but we’ll leave that for another time. The Devils perfected it, and Lou brought through guys like Brodeur, Stevens, Elias, Daneyo, Gomez, Sykora, Niedermayer, et al.

Here’s the thing with Lou, though. Aside from that goofy Final appearance in 2012 that really doesn’t make any sense other than the entire Eastern Conference went for shawarma or something, four of the last five Devils teams missed the playoffs, and only one of them came anywhere close. The previous three before that went out in the first round. So for over a decade, Lou’s Devils teams made it out of the first round three times. They missed the playoffs four times. This isn’t exactly a glittering record as the game sped up and got more open.

As for this current Devils team, the one that did make the playoffs and was actually something more than a torture device to get people to talk when you watched them, Lou’s fingerprints aren’t really present. Their core players are as follows:

Taylor Hall – traded for after Lou left

Nico Hischier – drafted after Lou

Kyle Palmieri – signed after Lou

Will Butcher – signed after Lou

Jesper Bratt – drafted by Lou

Miles Wood – drafted by Lou

Sami Vatanen – traded for after Lou

Pavel Zacha – drafted after Lou

Now, Cory Schneider was a Lou trade…except he’s been terrible for two seasons. Keith Kinkaid was a Lou draftee as well, though. But you can see where Ray Shero has basically spent three seasons trying to clear all the trash Lou left him.

So let’s move over to Toronto, where Lou was the GM or three seasons. He got a crack at two drafts, as he was hired after the ’15 draft and free agency period. And he took…Auston Matthews? I mean, hey, that’s great. But like, it’s not like he unearthed Matthews. This wasn’t a genius display of scouting. He had the top pick, Matthews was clearly the best player in that draft. So there you go. None of the other picks the past two seasons while under Lou’s stewardship have made it to the NHL, though to be fair it’s kind of a short view.

Here are some signings the Leafs made in Lou’s time:

Nikita Zaitsev – ok

Roman Polak, after trading him away once – a circus bear

Matt Martin – can’t count to four

Brian Boyle – fine, maybe? Basically a 4th line center and really a dime a dozen and despite being a good story he’s just kind of there with dumb and bad facial hair

Freddie Andersen – Been good, until you say the words “Game” and “7” and then he does Muppet arms while running away from you

Patrick Marleau – Ok, good, can’t argue with 27 goals. He might be three days older than water, but he provides something.

So what did Lou add to the Leafs’ core? Maybe Andersen? Seems like they’re already thinking about a new goalie when they want to win something serious. Zaitsev? Depth d-man, I’ll give you that one. And Marleau? Pretty much a complimentary scorer at this point.

So what about any of that screams you need him to not only turn around your team but also convince the best player in your organization in at least two decades to stay so you can speed up that turnaround? I mean, maybe name recognition is all that Tavares needs. Maybe he grew up turning off Devils games so he could so something he might actually enjoy, but has memories of them. Still, if Tavares is getting any decent advice, Lou’s hiring won’t mean shit.

There was a time when it would. It’s not now. And yet this kind of silliness keeps happening.

Everything Else

You Get What Anyone Gets: Saying Goodbye To The Toronto Maple Leafs (Thank God)

By Sam Fels 3331 0

I woke up this morning slightly surprised that the Earth hadn’t been thrown slightly off its axis, or the weather patterns changed, or some other global-plus shift, by the entire Toronto area sinking into the core of the Earth at some point last night. And I’m sure the greater Toronto population was even more surprised the world kept spinning despite their demands that it stop to observe the collapse of the Leafs.

What shouldn’t have been surprising is how any of it went down. This is how it was going to be, and the more I think about it given how much the world’s troll Boston sports is, they gave us Barf-Fucking-Stool after all, I become more and more confident that the Bruins did this on purpose. They could have wrapped this up in five. They could have blown the Leafs out in the 1st period of Game 7. But knowing they could score at will against the Leafs defense and especially Freddie Andersen in a Game 7, they probably thought it would most entertaining to do it this way. They even teased it by going down 4-1 in Game 5 and nearly coming back. That’s storytelling at its best, folks.

I never really bought into the whole East Coast bias thing fully, because I figured if it was your job you’d stay up to watch games on the West coast. After all, where the fuck do sportswriters have to be before 10am? But clearly they never did, because the way the entire Leafs Nation tried to sell themselves, and then did, on Freddie Andersen quite frankly wreaks of a cult that should be put on every watchlist by every government in the world. It’s not like there’s a small sample size on this. He’d basically spit it in every playoff series he’d played, including Game 7 meltdowns in ’15 and ’16. And yet there they were on whoever the fuck sponsors whatever the fuck the HNIC pregame show is called telling us everything was right in the world because Andersen was now playing four inches closer to the crease or something. If you watched closely enough you could see Kelly Hrudey’s brain spilling out of his ear while Elliote Friedman wondered what he’d done in a previous life to be chained to this desk of jackasses and nincompoops.

Not that Andersen got any help. Jake Gardiner has always been “a guy,” and if he wasn’t covered by the biggest media group in the league every night you wouldn’t be able to tell him apart from the guy in line in front of you at 7-11. Except that guy would probably stand a better chance of remaining in front of you. Gardiner’s game last night was surrealist performance art to a level that even Dali looked upon it and remarked, “Good God what the fuck is that?” Shockingly, Roman Polak couldn’t clean up the mess either. Is now a good time to mention that Mike Babcock hasn’t won a playoff series in five years? And that one came against the Ducks in a Game 7, so does that even count? No, it doesn’t. But hey, give him miles the best roster in either league or international play and there’s at least a decent chance he won’t fuck up royally while boring the ever loving shit out of you.

But in the end, this is really what Leafs fans and media want. You can’t find a group that desires more to be both the pre-2000 Yankees and Red Sox. They demand you pay attention to them at all times, while also feeling sorry for them. They must have you recognize they are the smartest fans in the league while also acting like the dumbest and most deranged. This is a fandom that launched a nutcase filming videos in front of jars of his own piss into a cult hero. They want you to recognize their history while also bemoaning it as the reason they’ll never be happy. They have Canadiens fans’ smugness without any of the success (even if the Habs’ success is mostly bullshit as well, as a majority of their Cups came when they gamed a system in a league comprised of six teams that were 90% drunk truck drivers that simply got lost and they tossed sticks and gear at).

Leafs fans demand you witness their blood-letting, which I assume was the only purpose of Maple Leafs Square. Whereas the Jets used to have a portrait of Queen Elizabeth in their arena, the Leafs should hang one off a Vietnamese self-immolating monk. Except the only thing Leafs fans are protesting is their own stability. To hear them tell it they’re the love children of Job and Sisyphus.

They get no help from their media, a group of idiots convinced of their superiority simply because of where they live. By the time you read this, or not too long after, you can bet some columnist will have connected last night’s loss to the atrocity in the Toronto burbs on Monday. Speaking of which, someone should have told that misogynistic, twisted, deranged fucko before he got in that van that if you can’t get laid in Toronto all you have to do is film a bunch of videos in front of all your toys, or ones of you showcasing your “NHL-level” ball-hockey skills on some playground while children who just wanted to get on the swingset that you closed off cry in the background, or produce a chart that shows how in fact Frank Corrado would have won a Hart by now and the strangest women in the world will write fanfic about you. Better yet, introduce all of Incel Toronto to Freddie Andersen and tell him it’s Game 7. Everyone scores!

The question is really how they got this way, because it’s not like they do this every year. Caps fans may be intolerable vampire-goths now but at least they snuff it to the team they hate most every goddamn year. The Leafs do this like a couple times a decade. There is no long stretch of heartbreak here, but you can bet Gardiner’s abstract pigeon pose leading to the winner last night will have yearly columns written about it until we all spin off into the sun.

None of this will change, given that Leafs media and fandom alike would show up with various clubs and spikes if their beloved William Nylander was traded for any d-man that doesn’t asphyxiate himself. Actually, they’d just show up with giant print-outs of graphs and spreadsheets they made up themselves while their spouses pack up their belongings.

The knives have come out for Auston Matthews, as if he didn’t have Krejci and Bergeron and Chara up his ass all series. We can only hope that he signs exactly a four-year deal when his ELC is up and then hightails it for the border the exact minute he becomes a UFA. You know he already wants to.

Actually, no, that’s what THE NATION wants. They want to drive all their starts out of town so they have more excuses to try and pierce their own nipples with an ice pick in public. And they should never get what they want. And then they can retire #34 and put it next to #17 and #13 and #93 and have a nice grouping of players who never played in a Final while wearing blue.

Good riddance. And oh, the Raptors are going to get just far enough so that LeBron can once again waltz in to the ACC, lay it across your forehead while singing, “Ain’t That A Kick In The Head?” and walk out before you even know what happened. Go ahead and pretend to care about TFC. We know the truth.

Everything Else

Watching The Party – FFUD’s First Round Preview: Leafs-Bruins or The Complain Department

By Sam Fels 1586 0

 vs. 

SCHEDULE: Game 1 Thursday, Game 2 Saturday, Game 3 April 16th, Game 4 April 19th

We all know the format for the NHL playoffs is pretty stupid. In fact the NHL playoffs, if you really think about it, are kind of stupid. We just played an 82-game regular season to figure out who the best teams are, and now we’re going to subject them to the vagaries of luck and injury in a two-month battle royal that doesn’t really give us the best team, just the hottest one. But let’s leave that and say the divisional system as constructed is a problem. So when fans and media say it’s not fair that two of the seven best teams in the league have to face each other in the first round, they’re not exactly wrong.

But because it’s Toronto and Boston, I don’t give a flying fuck. Fuck ’em.

Let’s break it down.

Goalies: There can’t be a worse person to be than the Leafs goalie in the playoffs. No one is watched by more and more closely. And really, Freddie Andersen has always been just good enough to break your heart. He was excellent two years ago in the first round against Nashville, but only played five games. His three other campaigns in the playoffs have not been impressive, though some were effected by Bruce Boudreau’s treating his goalies like they were foosball players. Really, Andersen had the same season this year that he did last year, and he was fine against the Caps. But fine wasn’t enough then, and fine probably isn’t going to be enough against the Bruins. He is capable of more, we’ve just rarely seen it.

If we wrote this a couple months ago, we’d say the Bruins have a big advantage here. But Tuuke Nuke ’em has only been ok since the end of February and was horrific in three April starts. However his playoff pedigree is far ahead of Andersen’s, and he wasn’t the problem against the Senators last year. So it’s whether we go with his current form, which is basically “meh,” or what he’s done in the playoffs before which is much more. Still, I would expect Tuukka to be slightly better than Freddie at worst.

Defense: It’s kind of a measure of the firepower of the Toronto forwards that they amassed as many points as they did with this blue line. It’s still not very good, even if they figured out that Travis Dermott was a neat toy to have every night. It’s not that Jake Gardiner or The Mike Rielly Assassination or Rod Hainsey are bad… it’s just that you’d struggle to think of them as top pairing guys. They’ve been fascinated with Nikita Zaitsev for a couple seasons and yet no one’s quite explained what it is he does. Roman Polak is a circus bear. Even with the Bruins banged up whoever they throw out against Bergeron and Marchand and Pastrnak you’d have to give the B’s the advantage. And if you don’t keep a top line from scoring in a series, you’re kind of fucked.

The Bs will be without Brandon Carlo, as his ankle went Gumby, but they did get the moon-faced mouth-breather Charlie McAvoy back which is more important. He’s reinvigorated Zdeno Chara to a new contract, and he’s one of the bigger reasons that the Bruins were so good this year. Torey Krug as a bum-slayer is what you’d want, and Kevan Miller is better than I think even though his first name is stupid. Adam McQuaid has a big, dumb face and a big, dumb game but thanks to McAvoy the Bs have a top pairing where the Leafs don’t.

Forwards: Whatever arguments you might have with their defense, the only team that can even claim to have the Leafs’ top nine right now is Winnipeg. When JVR and Tyler Bozak are on your third line, you are the envy of pretty much the whole league. Which means the Leafs can get at Krug in his own end and McQuaid anywhere through Kadri and Marleau and Marner and even Plekanec on the 4th line. The depth is scary and the Leafs’ best hope. It’s also a ton of speed the Bs are going to ask Chara to deal with, and he don’t got none no more.

The Bruins will start this series without both Nashes, Riley and Rick. Though missing Rick in the playoffs really isn’t a big deal. Without them though, this starts to look a little one line-ish. It’s a hell of a line, with Pastrnak-Bergeron-Marchand, but they’ll need more. Krejci and Backes on the second isn’t the worst you could do, but comparing it to the Leafs and you see the problem. Donato and Heinen are kids farther down the lineup that could be weapons, especially against the iffy Leafs defense. But the Bs will need some people to return before too long. And Babcock is going to play Komarov 25 minutes anyway. The other thing to note is that since 2011, Brad Marchand has been a playoff dog, and if that continues this definitely tips to the Leafs.

Prediction: I want to pick the Leafs, I really do. Their forward depth is going to be hard to deal with. But I don’t trust their blue line or Andersen to keep the Bs top line off the scoresheet, and the important players on the Bs have all done this before. Unless Marchand pulls his Copperfield act in the spring again, the Bs seem too much. It’s going to take a while, though. Bruins in 7. 

Everything Else

Game #78 – Jets vs. Hawks Douchebag Du Jour: Canada’s Team

By Sam Fels 1565 0

You know it’s coming. With only two of the seven Canadian teams making the playoffs (two too many, clearly), there will be a movement to adopt either one as the representation of the entire nation to claim what they feel is still rightfully theirs. Never mind no Canadian team has made the Final since the Canucks in 2011 and hockey fans everywhere haven’t gone into collective cardiac arrest over it. We’ve all seen how the coverage works in the spring.

Sure, the Leafs will take most of that, because Leafs fans and media are already under the impression that they are Canada’s team, even though pretty much everyone despises them. But make no mistake, there will be some counter-revolution up there to make the Jets the country’s fave, because the Jets are far less likely to get stomped in the first round by Boston, because they’re not as popular, because Winnipeg has been shit on enough (it hasn’t).

And hey, the Jets don’t have the “HEY EVERYONE LOOK AT HOW HARD I’M CUTTING MYSELF” tendencies that Leafs Nation does. But don’t fret, just because they’re not nearly as large as Toronto’s fanbase doesn’t mean they don’t have the same annoying, know-it-all-yet-still-so-tortured complex.

You should hope no Canadian team ever wins a Cup until the league has to fold due to paying out billions in the concussion lawsuit (so like three years). Their oafish and blind media, their thug-ish fans, and their completely borked and creepy development system are not things that should be celebrated. And the US’s attempts to copy them isn’t helping either.

They are no more deserving or appreciative of a Cup win than fans in Nashville, or Tampa, or Pittsburgh are. Just because you’ve never froze your ass off to drink a flat Molson while watching teenagers in some barn in a place that sounds like an infection in your colon (Kelowna, Medicine Hat, Regina) doesn’t mean you’re not a true hockey fan. These are people who actively encourage their children to fight each other to live out whatever fantasies and combat whatever false emasculation is in their frozen, Timbo’s-filled heads.

The only Canadian team you should ever root for is the Expos when they bring them back.

 

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