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Game #61 – Senators vs. Hawks Q&A: It’s Dark In Them Thar Woods

By Sam Fels February 21, 2018 1683 0

Brian5or6 has been our Sens guy for a while now. But apparently this season has erased the light in his eyes (and if you’ve seen his Twitter videos, you know there actually was one). Again, that could just be the result of living in Ottawa, we don’t know. And we don’t want to know. But keep that in mind as you proceed here.

Let’s get the big one out of the way: Is Erik Karlsson a Senator after the deadline? Should he be?
If Erik Karlsson is not a Senator after the deadline, I’m moving to the forest. Going off the grid for awhile. Basically, I’ll need to find myself again. Come to grips with the loss and then just continue to give’r. Does that answer it?

If Karlsson goes, and everyone is available after him, do the Sens have anyone they want to build around?

Mark Stone is one hell of a player to build around, but let’s face facts here. If Karlsson goes, the team folds and its possible the actual city of Ottawa folds with it

What does all this mean for Matt Duchene, exactly?

It means that he is awesome but that he should start looking for a new job once Erik leaves. And I’m not talking another hockey job. Because when Karlsson leaves, hockey is dead to me. And to everyone else I’d imagine.

GM Pierre Dorion got a contract extension. How does that make you feel?

It makes me feel like shit

What is the endgame for all of Eugene Meylnyk’s diarrhea of the mouth? He’s not going to get a new arena downtown, right?

The end game is to get all the money. Everyone’s money. Your’s, mine, the janitors cleaning up piss in the bathrooms.

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Game #61 – Senators vs. Hawks Douchebag Du Jour: This Bond-Villain Lookin’ Mother…

By Sam Fels February 21, 2018 1612 0

It’s amazing how history can repeat itself.

Guy Boucher came into Tampa with a sterling reputation in 2010. He had won in the QMJHL, and then put up 115 points as the Hamilton Bulldogs coach, when they were the Canadiens AHL affiliate. Of course, being in the Canadiens system certainly led to a lot of press, and he was seen as the heir apparent to take over behind the bench in Montreal, be the homegrown coach who could finally charm their media, and lead the fucking torch to six straight Cups with Habs fans consider their birthright. All while not ever having to utter a word in English, as that’s what causes Montreal media to stain the sheets.

None of it happened. and it turns out one season in the AHL and getting a few children to play along with your system does not a prepped NHL coach make.

Boucher bored the shit out of everyone in Tampa, but rode a really hot Dwayne Roloson to a conference final Game 7. His 1-3-1 trap was never called that because the heir apparent in Montreal couldn’t just be trapping, and also he like, flipped which winger was involved in the trap which caused massive mud-losing amongst hockey media.

Then Boucher’s boring-as-shit ways led the Bolts nowhere the next two seasons because he didn’t have a goalie to bail them out of all the games they didn’t score. He was soon canned, and Jon Cooper took the same roster basically, stepped on the gas, and they’ve been one of the more consistently good teams in the league when not injured.

Boucher got a second chance, because everyone gets a second chance in the NHL. His boring-as-shit ways capped Erik Karlsson a bit, but a hot Craig Anderson and getting sweetheart matchups in the Bruins and Rangers saw them get to a conference final, which they also lost in a seventh game.

And now without that goaltending, the Senators are just as dogshit as the Lightning were under Boucher. Sure, there’s a talent-deficit, but he’s not making any of it better. The Sens are bad and hard to watch, which is a bad combination.

So please, let him take over the Canadiens one day. We’re dying for them to slip even more into irrelevance.

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Game #42 Runnin’ a Little Bit Hot Tonight – Hawks 8, Senators 2

By Rose Rankin January 9, 2018 2909 0

Box Score

Natural Stat Trick

Corsica

Sometimes you want something so badly that you become fixated on it, you turn the image or idea over and over in your mind, and eventually you build it up into a magnificence that’s totally out of proportion. And when you finally get it, the reality can’t possibly live up to your imagined ideal, and the chasm between desire and result is painfully clear. I am happy to report this situation did NOT happen tonight with my defensive pairing fantasy-turned-reality of Kempny-Murphy while Seabrook sat in the press box. Let’s get right to it:

– I was, dare I say, elated to hear that Seabrook was getting sat tonight. No, I don’t hate him—in fact I have an inordinate amount of affection for anyone on the Cup-winning teams (I know, I know, I’ve bashed him all season but you’ve got to believe me). So honestly, I felt pangs of guilt over how happy I was. And I still feel some now over how happy I am with the defensive play tonight generally. Yes, Rutta got de-pantsed by Duchene in the first, yes, he and Foreskin were scrambling like meth-addled gerbils in the second which led to the first Senators goal, but we knew they were going to pull shit like that. What I care about was that Michal Kempny and CONNOR MURPHY! had, respectively, a 71 and 69 CF% (NICE). Two of the Hawks’ goals included assists by both defensemen on the ice at the time. This was a defense I could live with, even if I’m still confused by Forsling-Rutta (whatever). As my esteemed colleague Adam mentioned earlier today on Twitter, we can make fun of Seabrook and still think good things about him. I’ll be thinking of warm fuzzy memories while he enjoys nachos from the comfort of the press box (fingers crossed).

– Wtf where has this power play been? The Hawks scored three—count ’em three—power play goals tonight, which I’m pretty sure ties their pp goals for the season. Schmaltz had two of them, which more than made up for his rather dismal possession numbers (25 CF%?? Hey, you get a pass tonight, pal!). All the way around, they had better traffic in front of the net, and while the Senators’ PK definitely blows (28th in the league), the Hawks power play actually blows worse (29th). So if this is what it takes to get some creativity and confidence on the man advantage, so be it. Better they’re the punching bag than us.

– I know there’s been a lot of chatter about the Hawks somehow waving a magic salary cap wand and getting Erik Karlsson at the trade deadline, and the merits of this idea are best saved for another time and place, but I can’t get over his dejection at taking a needless interference penalty in the second which led to Rutta’s goal. Karlsson finished the night with a 63.9 CF% so it wasn’t all doom and gloom—he just pulled a great Denis Lemieux.

– Speaking of Ottawa defensemen, I truly forgot that Dion Phaneuf was still in the league. I found he’s still a useless oaf, and I hope he goes away soon.

– Patrick Kane had five points tonight, and apparently that’s the first time he’s done that, which seems odd. It would have been better if Schmaltz had gotten a hat trick instead of Kane getting the 8th goal in the third period, but isn’t this a nice thing to be complaining about?

– Anton Forsberg was solid again tonight. He finished with a .926 SV%, and I couldn’t even hold the first goal against him. The Senators had about 35 chances while Forsling and Rutta do what they do in the defensive zone, and Mark Stone eventually capitalized after about 17 of those 35 chances. Forsberg made key saves when he needed to and he looked confident and well-positioned. Keep it going, guy.

You couldn’t ask for more than a DLR when going through a rapid sequence of games right before the bye week. It’s not only that points are important, which they most certainly are, but the Hawks also need to take advantage on nights like this and beat shitty opponents (check), and some momentum through this week when they’re facing the Jets in a few days definitely helps too. Also, you can’t tell me it’s a coincidence that on the night when the entire team sees that membership in the Circle of Trust actually has limits, they explode like a pimple and score eight goals. Yes, the Senators suck, but the Hawks have played plenty of shitty teams and not had a DLR.

On that note, I’d just like to point out that the last DLR this season was game #1, when I was doing the wrap, and now at the halfway point of the season, as I’m writing the wrap, they do it again. Clearly it’s me, so you’re all welcome.

Beer of the night: Little Sumpin’ Sumpin’ by Lagunitas

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Game #42 – Hawks vs. Senators Preview/Architectural Rendering: Kanata, ON. Doo Doo Do Do Do…

By Sam Fels January 9, 2018 1890 0

vs.

RECORDS: Hawks 20-15-6 Senators 14-17-9

PUCK DROP: 6:30

TV: NBCSN Chicago

BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT: Brian 5or6

Well this seems like a momentous day for really weird reasons. We’ll get to that in a second. After getting to recalibrate their weapons by firing on the stationary target that is the Edmonton Oilers, the Hawks can double that up by doing so against the Eastern Conference version, the Ottawa Senators. And they may get to do it against a severely hampered Senators team, and believe me when I tell you this team didn’t have a lot to hamp. With the 2nd half of the season kicking off tonight, this would be a good way to get it started the right way. Then again, the Hawks couldn’t have started the first half off any better (TEN! TEN! TEN!), and look where that got them.

No reason to not start off with the biggest piece of news, and that is Brent Seabrook will be a healthy scratch tonight for the first time…well, ever. I don’t recall this happening in his rookie year, though it might have and we’ve just blocked most of that season from our memories. In fact, Seabrook has been something of a rock of durability, missing only 11 games in the ensuing 11 years since. But you can’t say that Seabrook hasn’t earned this, and the Hawks pairings would make a lot more sense if they looked something like:

Keith-Murphy

Forsling-Kempny

Oesterle-Rutta

Of course, that’s not what they’ll look like tonight as Oesterle will stay with Keith, the two kids together, and Kempny and Murphy returning to their natural sides on the second pairing. This way Q doesn’t have to rearrange three pairings. While Murphy took the blame for Friday’s loss unfairly, Seabrook has been this all season and now can’t even get the space to do the things he does well, i.e. shoot and pass. He’s been either slow or uncaring or both down low in his own zone, and that’s just not good enough. At the moment, he’s not one of the best six d-men the Hawks can send out there.

The hope is that this shows Seabrook that he’s not untouchable and has no guarantees. At almost 33, he’s never going to be what he was but he can certainly be more than he is. At that age he really should be able to handle third pairing or even sheltered second pairing minutes ok, and he hasn’t done that all season without Connor Murphy (CONNOR MURPHY!) saving his ass. Seabrook will draw back in soon, perhaps as soon as tomorrow, and there better be a fire under his ass when he does.

As for the rest of the lineup it looks like Tomas Jurco will be the forward scratched as the suddenly spiky Patrick Sharp sticks around.

None of this should matter of course, because the Senators are the NHL’s little league right fielder with the glove on his head twirling in a cirlce. They’re second-bottom in the East and three points adrift of the team above them, the Canadiens. And while this isn’t much of a roster outside Karlsson, it’s not helped by SUPER GENIUS Guy Boucher running a system suited for 1999 and boring the shit out of everyone involved. And the system doesn’t work when it’s not getting lights-out goaltending, and Craig Anderson is 36. This a team that doesn’t really have a top-liner anywhere unless you count Matt Duchene, and he’s basically a top line wing playing center and a really good rhythm guitarist at center instead of a lead.

Mark Stone and Mike Hoffman are great second line scoring wingers too, but now that Bobby Ryan is turning colors in the sun they need them to be first line scorers and that’s just not who they are. Karlsson can only do so much.

Making it even better for the Hawks tonight is that several Sens are either sick or hurt and gametime decisions. Duchene (you’re holdin’ up the show!), Oduya, Ceci, Brassard all might not make the bell tonight, though all could play as well. This is not a juggernaut. This team is bottom 10 in goals per game, goals against per game, and shot for per game. They do limit shots against them ok thanks to Boucher’s strangulation of anything interesting that might happen, but Anderson just hasn’t been up to the challenge of stopping the ones they do see. Again, 36.

No excuses here. The Hawks have to get this one, and they really have to sweep the week before the bye hits and teams pass or get farther away from them simply because they’re not playing. They’ve missed enough hanging curves of late with losses to Vancouver, blowing a lead against Vegas when they had played the night before, and arguably missing the first 30 minutes against a wonky Calgary team. No more bullshit.

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Game #42 – Hawks vs. Senators: Spotlight – Erik Karlsson, The Treasure We Need To Save

By Sam Fels January 9, 2018 1758 0

At this point, it feels like either the hockey world has taken Erik Karlsson for granted, or the discussion is just about whether or not he should be traded. Before doing anything, it’s important to once again go over just the insanity that is Erik Sven Gunnar Karlsson. Yes, there are tons of Zevon references to be made there. Erik The Sven Gunnar Karlsson, he killed to earn his living.

Since coming into the league in the ’10-’11 season, Karlsson has four 70+ point seasons (and another 66-point one for good measure0> That’s over nine seasons now. In that time, only two other d-men have had that many points in season. Brent Burns did it twice, and Victor Hedman last year. Karlsson has FOUR. Keep that in mind. He probably would have had a fifth at that pace if he didn’t miss most of the lockout season with a shredded achilles, and even then his Logan-healing abilities brought him back far sooner than it should have.

Let’s take two years ago. Karlsson had 82 points, the first time a d-man cracked 80 points since 2006 and only the second time since 1996. He carried a +7 in Corsi-relative and a +3 in Expected Goals-relative. He led his team in scoring by 21 points. And yet they still gave the Norris to Drew Doughty because he’d been to a Tim Horton’s in his teens, where he assuredly marked the bathroom with really shitty graffiti that was almost assuredly unintentionally misspelled.

Save his rookie year and last year where his ankle turned into an origami demonstration, Karlsson has always kicked his team’s rates in the head and carried this team. And that’s the unfortunate part, is that Karlsson has barely ever had a teammate worthy of him, or coach. Karlsson somehow willed this team to a conference final last year, along with Craig Anderson, but that’s just about as good as a look as he will get in Ottawa. And this is where the heated debate begins.

All hockey fans, with no disrespect to Ottawa fans, need Karlsson out of Ottawa. Having this Ferrari being handled by Guy Boucher with only a few prime years left is akin to getting your Wagyu ribeye well-done. If Karlsson were a Predator he could seriously take a run at 100 points. Swap him with Hedman and he would almost certainly get there. This is simply a waste of a beautiful gift, to have this playing in a trap and trying to set up Derick Fucking Brassard. This is a team trying to find reverse on a Russian tank.

But if you’re the Senators, and you know you’re going nowhere fast, what can you do? Karlsson has one more season after this one on his contract, and then he goes UFA. He’s going to get $12 million a year from someone, as well he should. Maybe the Senators have already told him they’ll give him that, and Karlsson does love Ottawa so much he has already made it clear he’ll take it. Then again, given that the soft-spoken Karlsson felt the need to publicly make it clear he’s not taking any hometown discount, you’d have to believe these things haven’t been discussed at all.

And even if the Senators want to offer that, and that’s unlikely, does Karlsson want to take it? He’s been past the second round only once, and the future is not exactly bright in Ottawa with their shithead owner crying poor, demanding a new arena when he’s not shaming his own fanbase, and has already starting making goo-goo eyes at Quebec, assuming he can given all the facelifts. The Senators are bottoming out this year and there doesn’t appear to be much help on the way unless GM Pierre Dorion can pull some real miracles in shipping off Mark Stone/Bobby Ryan/whatever else.

If you really want to reset a team, you cash in a piece like Karlsson. His trade value will never be higher than it is right now. A team that acquires him gets two playoff runs with him, and if they’re in the middle or closer to the end of the window that might be worth the ransom you’d have to give up. We’ve talked about the Hawks offering their entire prospect line, but Dylan Sikura plus ballast probably isn’t near enough.

Who else? The Oilers probably could figure out something, but with their payroll next year can they even afford one year of Karlsson after this? The Leafs are an obvious fit, but the world would end if the Sens were to trade Karlsson there. The Islanders in a bid to woo John Tavares? Do they have enough?

The bigger complication is figuring out what Karlsson would be worth. In a world where Matt Duchene netted the Avs three prospects and a raft of picks, what’s Karlsson? This arguably the best player on the planet, where Duchene is a decent #1 center and a better left winger. Three NHL-ready or already young NHL players would probably have to be a starting point. Along with three or four draft picks. It would have to be Herschel Walker-esque. What GM has the balls?

In our dreams, or nightmares, had Stan Bowman been able to manage assets like Teuvo, Johns, and Danault properly, they would have the pieces. But now you’d almost certainly have to include one of if not both Schmaltz and DeBrincat, and then what kind of team would Karlsson be joining anyway?

In truth, the Senators might be fucked. They either trade the best in their history (and it’s not even close) for 75 cents on the dollar at best, or they ride out the last year and a half and watch him walk for nothing because he wants to win something and play in a system that rewards what he does. 75 cents on the dollar probably doesn’t rebuild an organization, and it certainly doesn’t get more people to drive out in the Sea of Green where Canadian Tire Center is to watch dreck-on-ice.

So looks like for another year and a half, our beautiful treasure will remain buried in the muck.

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Game #42 – Hawks vs. Senators: Q&A With Brian. Nope, That’s It. Just Brian

By Sam Fels January 9, 2018 2042 0

We don’t know where exactly we found @Brian5or6. That’s the case with most of our friends. We just ended up this way. Anyway, you can read his stuff at Brian5or6.com.

Ok, so nine points out of a playoff spot, your owner is an asshat, the playing style is dross…. what’s getting you up in the morning?

I mostly get up in the morning to have a shower beer, if I’m being honest. Sometimes I just have a beer in bed. I like to reminisce about the good times when it was the best being a Sens fan. But ever since heart and soul player Marian Hossa left us, there has been something missing in my heart. And to fill that hole, I like to drink beer and lay out flat anyone who may get in my way. Like Gary. If you’re reading this Gary, I don’t forget! You know what you did.

Tell us about Guy Boucher. We always have a good chuckle when he’s thought of as some visionary. Twice he’s ridden a streaky goalie to a conference final while playing brain-puddle-forming hockey, and then seen that team bottom out when said streaky goalie streaks the other way. Are we missing something?

I’ll tell you about Guy Boucher. I want to remain calm but he gets my blood BOILING. He doesn’t adapt to today’s NHL game. If something goes wrong, he’ll still deploy the same old system THAT DOESN’T F’ING WORK. And then when the Sens lose and Guy Boucher blames it on things like “the schedule” or “illness” or “drunkenness” then I snap. I take the old AM radio and gently place it through my neighbors car windshield. And then the cops come. So basically, Guy Boucher is responsible for me being arrested and/or on probation

What exactly were the Sens going to do with Matt Duchene? Certain to lose Turris so they just had to do something?

Turris wanted to stay in Ottawa. But I’m pretty sure he got dicked around by ownership. Look what happened with the Alfie situation when he went to Detroit. In a knee-jerk reaction, the Sens went out and acquired Bobby Ryan to help calm the riots in Carleton Place, Ontario. This is the same thing. Something blew up in the Turris negotiations so they quickly went out and acquired Matt Duchene. Thank f**k Matt Duchene is awesome, so he’ll stick around. But it’s bittersweet because I had recently wrote a wicked pop song about Kyle Turris but had to trash it when he left.

How many players are going before the deadline?

Going where? Chuck E Cheese? Newsflash: Canada doesn’t have a Chuck E Cheese, and if I was an Ottawa Senator, that would be the last straw. I’d be asking for a trade out of Canada. So in reality, I expect at least 5 players moved by the deadline. Will someone take a chance on Dion Phaneuf? Chicago, I’m looking at you! Just kidding, I have no clue where Chicago is. The furthest I’ve ever been from home is Renfrew.

As painful as this is, Erik Karlsson has one more season on his deal. It’s fairly well obvious he’s no sticking around. His value may not be any higher than it will be at the deadline, assuming anyone can fit him in, so any team can get two playoff runs with him minimum. Doesn’t Pierre Dorion have to see what’s out there?

If Erik Karlsson leaves Ottawa, I leave Ottawa. I will run away somewhere and live in a forest, off the grid. That’s how much he means to me personally and how much he means to the Senators. No matter what you do in this life, there are only two certainties: Death and Taxes. And signing Erik Karlsson to an 8 year extension. The end. But if he leaves I’m probably gonna start a fire.

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Game #42 – Hawks vs. Senators: Douchebag Du Jour – The One. The Only. The King.

By Sam Fels January 9, 2018 1991 0

There’s something sad, at least a little, about Alex Burrows ending his complete anal fissure of a career away from Vancouver. Don’t get us wrong, it’s hilarious that he was a deadline pickup that did utterly nothing because he’s always been shit and now the Senators are stuck with him. Eugene Melnyk couldn’t deserve more.

But there was something so symbiotic with Burrows being on the Canucks during their rise to not quite enough and their fall back down into irrelevance. Because Burrows was the Canucks, wasn’t he? A dirty, entitled chicken shit who somehow goofed his way into success by standing still. All those huge goal-scoring seasons, nothing more than just standing still while the Sedins banked pucks off of him into the net. And when he wasn’t doing that, he was a REAL TOUGH GUY as long as you weren’t looking or there were two linesmen holding you. That whole Canucks team did a lot of yapping but when it came time to actually fight? Always lost.

And that was the thing about the Canucks. Was that 2011 team really that good? Or did they just stand still while the Hawks lost everyone to the cap and that Sharks team got older? And the Kings weren’t quite ready? Because once the Kings and Hawks were, the Canucks have been an afterthought.

And really, so has Burrows. He’s been surpassed by other pests, and now he’s not even a good joke. He’s an old jobber now. Even the romantic story Canucks fans tried to rationalize him with doesn’t ring true. The whole never drafted so he became an actual danger on the ice to make it… really, who gives a shit now? Not when first round picks like Tom Wilson are doing the same thing.

Burrows is 36 now, and somehow has another year left on his deal. He should be back in the AHL by now, where he’s really always belonged. But as long as teams are as shitty as the Senators and coached by stuck-in-the-late-90s doofuses like Guy Boucher, we supposed Alex Burrowses will still have a place.

We’d say you were a worthy adversary once, Alex, but you never were. And your one big moment was only to save the biggest choke in NHL playoff history, and it only led to your biggest heartbreak. That thought keeps our feet warm at night.

Slay this dragon, motherfucker.

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