Everything Else

Game #42 – Bruins vs. Hawks Douchebag Du Jour: Not Only Does Notre Dame Suck, They’re Irrelevant

By Sam Fels 2282 0

The NHL decided it wanted to place its signature regular season game in a famous, hallowed college football stadium to draw in viewers.

Too bad they missed.

While any Notre Dame fan, between huffs of paint, won’t hesitate to tell you how much the Golden Dome means to football, society, and the world, you have to ask yourself other than alums and the occasional Chicago meatball, who does Notre Dame matter to? Because it certainly isn’t due to results of the past three decades.

Every so often, Notre Dame is able to manipulate its hand-picked schedule into a record that appears good, and more importantly the school and fanbase and NBC stamp their feet, close their eyes, and yell as loud as they can that they must be taken seriously and given a bowl or a playoff spot. And probably out of sheer exhaustion of listening to them, they’re given one. And they get the eight kinds of shit kicked out of them every single time. They’re second class. They’re a history lesson. They’re a mid-major with a television deal and faux-religious piety.

Notre Dame doesn’t join a conference to adhere to some history or because they think they’re above the rest of college football. They do it because they know it would kill off any notoriety they get. If they were in the Big 10, they’d be Iowa. If they were in the Big 12, they’d be Colorado. If they joined their basketball brethren in the ACC they’d be Pitt. No one would care. Barely anyone cares now. Every SEC school would suck their eyeballs out through their anus and fuck the brain hole.

That’s why they’re an also-ran with a shiny gloss. Star recruits now have never known Notre Dame as being anything, and they certainly don’t want to spend anytime in Bumfuck, Indiana. Fuck, their fathers don’t remember Notre Dame being anything worth talking about! They want championship games and NFL exposure you get in the SEC or Big 10, not beating up BYU in the middle of the afternoon on NBC. Who gives a flying fuck?

Notre Dame hasn’t mattered since the 80s. INXS has more hits after that decade than the Irish do. They’re an anachronism. And then we say the names of Lizzy Seeberg or Declan Sullivan, and it’s not just that they’re overblown or incompetent, it’s a downright evil institution. Fuck your touchdown Jesus into death. And then they pile their religious bullshit on top to give them even more piousness even though if it wasn’t for their quickly fading football glory no one would ever go to that school without being forced. It would be a prison camp like the rest of that godforsaken state.

Then again, maybe it’s perfect that the Hawks want to stage the only game they’ll play that anyone will care about there. There are some similarities.

 

Game #42 Preview Suite

Preview

Spotlight

Q&A

Douchebag Du Jour

I Make A Lot Of Graphs

Lineups & How Teams Were Built

Everything Else

Game #42 – Bruins vs. Hawks: Lineups & How Teams Were Built

By Sam Fels 1388 0

Notes: You’ll be shocked and in no way entertained by the fact that this is David Baceks’s third game of a three-game suspension for being a dumbass. This has thrown everything below their top line into even more of a mush…Rask hasn’t been as good as last year and has been outplayed by Halak for the most part, but he still is the #1 so he should get the call…not one of the Bruins d-men have played every game…Krejci’s production is the real miracle because he’s played with everyone and none of them are any good…

Notes: If you want to throw something after seeing Ward start, we don’t blame you. There’s no excuse for it other than Coach Cool Youth Pastor is terrified of telling any veteran player something they don’t want to hear…you’d think Murphy and Dahlstrom will draw the Bergeron line assignment, as would Toews…we bitch about Anisimov but that line in producing…Sikura went back with Top Cat in Colorado but lost out on some shifts to a double-shifting Kane…Caggiula couldn’t sort out his visa things in time to practice yesterday, so we’ll guess his debut comes Thursday against the Islanders…

 

Game #42 Preview Suite

Preview

Spotlight

Q&A

Douchebag Du Jour

I Make A Lot Of Graphs

Lineups & How Teams Were Built

Everything Else

You Share The Same Fate As The People You Hate – ’18-’19 Team Previews: Boston Bruins

By Sam Fels 2143 0

There are two schools of thought on the Black And Gold of Causeway St. One is that they geniusly (maybe a word?) negotiated the losses of Tyler Seguin, Dougie Hamilton, and Blake Wheeler years ago to construct a young, dynamic team and that maybe GM Don Sweeney isn’t the grinning dope we always made him out to be. The other is that they are one line led by perhaps the best two-way center in the game and got extremely lucky when some players played way above their heads and Tukkaa Rask re-emerged from his years-long trip to the Zoo Of Confusion. The truth is somewhere in between, but the Leafs got better (though not nearly as much as people think), the Lightning are still superior and are probably going to have Erik Karlsson in tow at some point, and the Panthers might actually be good. So the Bruins might be in deeper than they think this upcoming season.

’17-’18: 50-20-12  112 points  270 GF  214 GA   23.5 PP%  83.7 PK%  53.7 CF%  7.8 SH%  .923 SV%

Goalies: Tuke Nuke ‘Em will still be the main guy. Somehow, he’s only 31, even though it seems like he’s been around forever. This will be his seventh season as the Bruins’ starter, after backing up Tim “I’m The Less Charming
Steve Carlton” Thomas for two seasons.

Rask had something of a bounce-back season last year, which was a big reason for the Bruins going from missing the playoffs for two seasons and being a first-round knockout the third to a…well, second-round knockout. He’d been league-average or so the previous two seasons, and overall wasn’t too much better last year at .917 SV%. However, his even-strength save-percentage rose as did his shorthanded mark, and he was somewhat undone by a raft of short-handed goals against.

Rask’s numbers also skew because he was great in the first half and only so-so in the second, highlighted by a .955 in the month of December. No other month did he surpass .920 after that, and at this point somewhere around .918 is what you can expect of him.

Further complicating things for Rask is that he’s now kind of just a guy who makes the saves he should make but not many he shouldn’t. His high-danger SV% last year was only middling among starters, and because of the defense in front of him being vastly overrated he’s going to see a fair number of really good chances. He’s not going to kill you but he’s not going to carry you either at this point in his career.

Backing him up will be Jaro Halak, now that the Islanders are done trying to cram him down everyone’s throat and screaming, “It’s ice cream!” Halak is always ok when he’s in one piece, which is just this side of never. He’s perfect for a backup at this moment in his career, though might be asked to do a touch more than anyone would be comfortable with for this team. The limited appearances should help with his health, though. He won’t sink them.

Defense: There’s this narrative that the Bruins have a great top-pairing and are solid enough beneath it. I don’t buy it for half of a second. Every time I looked up in the playoffs or any game where the Bruins were playing a halfway decent team, Charlie McAvoy was in the trail-technique made famous by Lemuel Stinson. You can drive a truck through the spaces he leaves behind him and his open-gaped mush. Zdeno Chara is better than anyone who is 143 years old has any right to be, but that doesn’t make him dominant. The Lightning sure didn’t think so. I know what the numbers say, but this was the pairing deployed behind Patrice Bergeron the most. When not behind #37, their numbers are decidedly ordinary. I’m guessing McAvoy gets exposed this season and the Metamucil spokesman as his partner can’t keep up.

As for the rest, we’ve known for years that Torey Krug is great when parked in front of the other team’s blue line, and a high school musical when anywhere else. Brandon Carlo is fine, just as someone named “Brandon Carlo” would be. John Moore is so beloved after his time in New Jersey that Devils fans were trying to throw Jimmy Hoffa at him. There’s a couple kids who could fill out the third-pairing here, but this is not a special unit. Especially when they’ll be seeing the advanced attacks of the Bolts, Leafs, and yes Panthers for nearly a fifth of the season.

Forwards: It begins and ends with Patrice Bergeron’s line. Still probably the best in hockey, whatever you think of Brad “The Last Hapsburg” Marchand. Whether David Pastrnak skates with them or not they simply dominate. Because of this alone the Bruins are at least not-incompetent. However, after that it gets dicey.

David Krejci is 32, and has seen his scoring decline the past three seasons. He’ll also be saddled with Jake DeBrusk and David Backes as his wingers if nothing changes, though Pastrnak could end up here to spread things out a bit. DeBrusk might be a thing, and he might not. He put up 43 points in his rookie year, and the Bruins are going to need at least that from him again on the top six. Still, his lower-level numbers don’t suggest he’s supposed to be a lethal scorer.

It’s the centers after that that make you tug your collar and go, “Yeeeeesh.” Chris Wagner and Sean Kuraly. They’ll miss Riley Nash, which is a sentence. Danton Heinen turned some heads last year with 47 points, but much like DeBrusk he hadn’t shown to be a high-level scorer in lower levels. If they both level out again this year, the B’s are short on scoring. Ryan Donato is here and he does have college scoring pedigree, and with the way everyone sprayed their shorts on his arrival last season he’d better be the second coming otherwise this is just more Boston bullshit (which the Revolution should change their name to tout suite).

Outlook: Despite all the unnecessary noise about them, this is still a good team. I just don’t think it’s as good as the Leafs or Lightning, meaning the Bruins would have to go through both to go anywhere in the playoffs. And that didn’t go so well for them last year when they were deeper and luckier. If the Panthers get spiky they could even relegate them to a wild card, though that might even be preferable to go to the other division. They’re short on scoring past the top line, especially when Backes becomes nothing more than a Yellow Submarine, Blue-Meanie sympathizer this season. There’s a lot riding on kids, which can always go either way. Third place seems like the height of expectation here.

Everything Else

You Get What Anyone Gets: Saying Goodbye To The Boston Bruins

By Sam Fels 2019 0

You have to hand it to Brad Marchand. Some people saw “Wag The Dog” and just enjoyed it. But some saw it and thought they could apply it to their own lives, no matter the forum. Because look at all the things his wandering tongue distracted us from.

The first and foremost thing we stopped paying attention to when Marchand wanted to know how to get to everyone’s chocolate center was that the Bruins overall were something of an illusion. Actually, a massive illusion. They were one line and a goalie having a renaissance season.

How do we know that? Because of the way everyone drops when Patrice Bergeron wasn’t on the ice. Charlie McAvoy, the moon-faced mouth-breather that looks like every Tufts student who got lost in Kendall Square on a Saturday afternoon that went wrong, spent most of the year bathing in the plaudits and accolades and the little cartoon tins of Skoal that emote from admirers in Quincy and Dorchester. He was great when Bergeron was keeping the puck in the other end. But every time you looked up this spring, he spent more time in the trail-technique than Sargent Stedenko.

Brad Marchand’s taste-buds-in-wanderlust also kept most people off the fact that Zdeno Chara is old and slow, which tends to happen when one is the size of an armored truck and 40. Good thing they re-signed him for another year. The Hawks beat the Bruins five fucking years ago by going straight at him with speed. How was that going to get better now?

It also, somehow, convinced people that Rick Nash–Rick Goddamn Nash who has been the posterboy for playoff incompetence since just after the last Tool album was released–was a prime deadline pickup.

Rick Nash.

Rick Nash had the same exact season that Brandon Saad did and yet everyone thinks Saad should be turned into cow feed. But it makes Rick Nash the piece you have to have. Seriously, what is this happy horseshit?

All that teeth-gnashing over tongue-lashings, combined with Pierre McGuire’s hit-fetish, swayed people from paying attention to David Backes–he of the $6 million for three more years–managed all of one goal this playoff run. Goes nice with his one goal from last year’s. They make a nice set! Too bad he won’t be able to count to two from here on out but hey, shit happens.

But perhaps the biggest piece of genius that Marchand touched upon when he touched his tongue upon those who did not invite it was that Marchand continued his playoff dog ways that he’s been perfecting since 2012. Coming into this spring, in 47 playoff games Marchand had managed six goals. And sure, the cure for that, at least temporarily, was to play a team that didn’t have a defense and a goalie who was convinced he was a glass of orange juice in Toronto.  There’s curing the disease and just treating the symptoms, though. Put in front of an actual goalie and defense, Marchand managed no goals and four points in four straight losses. Fucking dynamo stuff, that.

It’s kind of amazing how the Bruins got here, with that defense and nothing behind that top line. Sometimes hockey is just fucking weird. It also helped that they were in a division with five garbage teams they could harvest the organs of. Going 12-0 against Ottawa, Detroit, and Montreal sure provides a hell of a shine. Better than turtle wax, you’d have to say.

Naturally, Boston fans and media are taking this defeat lying down like they always do, doing the reverse sirens’ song they specialize in that makes everyone want to leave the East Coast the minute they get off work. Next fall we can look forward to really hot, “NO ONE SANG THE ANTHEM LIKE FAHKIN’ RENE! NO ONE DENIES THIS!” God help us if the Bs hire a woman or minority to replace him, given the oh so liberal nature of the Boston sports scene. It’ll be a full week on FartStool. That is if they’re done complaining about the refs by then. Or 2050.

The Bruins look set for the future, though if McAvoy’s face continues to get in the way of his vision and defense it might not matter. And there’s still Don Sweeney in the GM chair, the guy who decided Dougie Hamilton wasn’t worth it but Torey Krug and his broken GPS were. Highlight stuff there.

So goodbye, Bruins. You were a Copperfield trick that had us all fooled. But eventually, Claudia Schiffer wises up.

 

 

Everything Else

Night Songs – Round 2 Weekend 2 Wrap: The Truth Comes Out

By Sam Fels 1602 0

Found out a lot about a lot this weekend. Let’s get to it:

Winnipeg Leads Nashville 3-2

This series has basically been delicious. It confirms everything we thought about the Preds, in that they were more Pekka Rinne than they or any of their sycophants who just want to drink on Broadway again in the spring for free wanted to consider. The Preds got back into the series by trapping and basically playing 90’s Knicks basketball, and they still needed a miracle save from Rinne to make that work. Back at home and in front of a crowd too busy trying to memorize all their chants that are just variants of the word “suck,” they didn’t feel they could do that. They tried to go toe-to-toe with the Jets, and they got stomped. Sure, the shots and attempts charts will tell you this was a more even game. But an even game with the Jets isn’t an even game. They have more firepower than just about anyone in the league at forward. So if you’re getting the same amount and type of chances they are, most likely they’re going to bury more of them.

And Kyle Connor turning Treat Boy into bucket-and-mop material didn’t do my heart any worse either.

So now Laviolette has a choice. He can try and trap and stall his way back home to a Game 7, a method that works but has a very low margin for error. One bad deflection undoes all the work. And if it doesn’t work he’s going to face some tough questions about why he was fucking with his lineup all playoffs long to get guys like Scott Fucking Hartnell in the lineup but not Calle Jarnkrok or Kevin Fiala. It’s especially hilarious because next year is almost assuredly the time on Lavvy’s clock when his players start to regard him as a bellowing meat sack and tune him out. It’s happened everywhere he’s been, and it’s a miracle he’s lasted in Music City this long. A lot rides on tonight.

Knights defeat Sharks 4-2

I had suspected that the Sharks weren’t all that good, but hoped for better. Then again, I don’t know what you do when a goalie is throwing a .965 at you at evens, which is what Marc-Andre Fleury is doing. And that’s really what it comes down to. It’s not that the Knights aren’t deserving winners of this series. But if Fleury were playing at a mere mortal level, even with like a superb .930 or something, this series is headed back to the desert for a Game 7 or it’s already over the other way.

The Sharks will have some decisions to make this summer, as every key player they have is over 30 with the exception of Martin Jones. They’re considered the leaders to get Tavares, which would certainly change the complexion of the next couple of years whether Thornton stays or retires or goes because of it. If they don’t get Tavares though, you wonder how much longer they can keep coming up with decent seasons and playoff runs. Especially if  Calgary and Edmonton were ever to get their act together (don’t need to worry about the latter, thought).

As for the Knights, my suspicion, based on anything normal, is that this all comes to an end against whoever’s next. They can’t outrun the Jets for sure, and though the Preds’ might isn’t what most think they can match Vegas’s forwards and have a fleet defense that won’t be overawed by Vegas’s forecheck. They also wouldn’t insist on playing Paul Martin for a portion of it because they’ve been hit with a brick when they weren’t looking. But that assumes a normal goalie performance, and Fleury is doing anything but that. To bet against him is a fool’s errand.

Also, with Rinne and Fleury having career renaissances at 33 and 34 as they have, that gives you faith that should Corey Crawford ever be healthy he can maintain the level he was setting too.

Capitals lead Pittsburgh 3-2

Oh, Caps. Won’t you ever learn? Don’t you see where this is taking you? Haven’t you walked this road again and again? We know this road. We know exactly where it ends.

As sick as I am of Caps fans everywhere nailing themselves to a cross every four minutes, it’s about time Alex Ovechkin broke through. Sure, they’ll get railroaded by the Lightning in the next round, who are now going to be rested and having played just 10 games to get this far. But do you trust them? Do you trust Holtby to play well enough to keep the Penguins down for two games? Do you trust the Caps to get goals from anywhere else besides their top line? Do you trust Tom Wilson not to completely fuck up Game 7 when he comes back?

It could happen. These things always seems to reverse at some point. Even the Canucks got to a Final once. The Penguins just might be out of gas. Their defense might just be too creaky and the Caps might have sensed they can get behind it whenever they want. Maybe Sid doesn’t have any magic jewels left in his bag.

But which way would you wager?

Lightning Beat Bruins 4-1

We’ll save most of our thoughts for the eulogy, but the Bruins might have been the biggest mirage we’ve seen in a long time. They were one line and a goalie playing well, and because that one line was so other worldly it masked all their other problems. But when that one line couldn’t go for three a night, they got utterly stomped.

The hockey season is long enough that there’s plenty of time to outthink yourself. The Bolts were the best team before the season started, and there really was never a reason to think they were otherwise other than boredom and injuries. They have four lines and three pairings, though someone is going to expose Dan Girardi and Anton Stralman. It won’t be the Caps or Penguins though, at least not the Caps. We should be all in for a Lightning-Jets Final, not only because it would piss NBC off to no end and you’d get many hockey writer tears about not being able to go to Nashville or Vegas on the company dime, but because it would be a Final packing more firepower than any since at least 2013, probably 2010, and maybe even longer than that.

Everything Else

Night Songs – Round 2 Day 7: He’s Just Not That Into You

By Sam Fels 1533 0

Bit of a comedown last night from Tuesday night’s Fury Road type action, and maybe we all needed it.

Lightning 4 – Bruins 1 (TB Diddlers lead 2-1)

Watching the Bruins more and more these playoffs, I can’t help but think I’m seeing a one-line mirage. Granted, that one line might be the best line we’ve seen in the league in quite some time, and they clearly bandage all of the numerous wounds the Bruins have elsewhere. But even though it’s only 2-1 and it felt like the Bs could get their way back into last night’s game at any moment, they’re still basically getting held at arm’s length like the younger sibling while flailing their too-short arms hilariously nowhere near the target.

Again. Bergeron’s line was mostly great, and because Chara and McAvoy mostly play behind them they came along. And even Krejci’s line was good last night. But the bottom six, because the Lightning are just deeper, are getting turned into chum pretty much every shift, and the Bruins defense behind that top pairing, which just might not be that good to begin with, look like those twisted Little Lungs ads after every shift. And seeing as how Tuukka Rask isn’t doing Marc-Andre Fleury things, the Bruins seem pretty doomed.

All of this could flip, of course. Rask could get hot or Bergeron’s line could get off the chain for a few games and then we’re back to square one. But when that line doesn’t score, whatever their possession numbers might be, and score a lot, this team is waiting for the vacant gapes of Rick Nash and David Backes to contribute. Let’s ask all of their former teams how that’s worked out for them in the past. That weird sound you hear is multiple fanbases curling up into a fetal position simultaneously.

Knights 0 – Sharks 4 (Tied 2-2)

Amazing what happens when Fleury isn’t stopping 98% of the shots he sees, no?

The Sharks womped the Knights last night, which is the first time really they’ve done so this series. While the past three games have seen them at least be able to control the Knights to an extent at evens and then make good with their power play or even at 4-on-4, which is weird because you’d think the Knights would have the advantage there, last night was the first time they were better everywhere. I’d like to believe it was because they finally sent Paul Martin to a farm upstate and inserted Joakim Ryan to give Brent Burns a minder, but that wouldn’t explain all of it. The Sharks 4th line had the best of it again, which isn’t a huge shock because at the end of the day the Knights’ 4th line is still comprised of bottom of the barrel castoffs and rejects, and no amount of chips on shoulders and “revenge on the world” rhetoric is going to change that.

If Fleury is merely good the rest off this series, Vegas will lose. If he goes back to other-worldly, they probably won’t. Sometimes it’s simple.

Everything Else

Night Songs – Round 2 Opening Weekend: This Is Better

By Sam Fels 1670 0

I think we can all admit without turning in our hockey fan cards that the first round was pretty middling as far as entertainment. And that’s actually fine. When you have a few, clear, really good teams as the NHL does, the first round probably should be underwhelming. The Jets, Preds, and Lightning were always going to bludgeon whoever they saw (which the Preds eventually did). The only long series of intrigue really as the Leafs and Bruins and that was more for the comedy of what we all knew was coming. But this round shaped up to be the true must-see theater, and it really has been.

Jets-Predators goes plaid, and 1-1

It’s with a slight twitch of pain that I say this, because it’s always cool knowing your team played in the best playoff series of the post-lockout era even if it lost it, but this Jets-Preds has every chance of being as good if not eclipsing Hawks-Kings ’14. The pace last night simply was ridiculous, and both of these teams seemingly have accepted they’re going to give up chances to get their own. Last night was an example of how the Jets defense might be the first to crack, as on Arvidsson’s goal Chiarot got caught wandering and the Preds have the forward depth to make that a problem, and then for the winner a clearly still rusty Toby Enstrom got caught on a pinch and Byfuglien played the ensuing 2-on-1 like the dog that he is in his own zone. He was awful from the 3rd period on and it’s a small miracle he didn’t help create the winner for the Preds before that.

Encouragingly for the Jets though, it was the top line that basically had to do everything for Nashville as Winnipeg rolled over the rest. Not encouragingly is that Peter Laviolette was happy to let the top lines go at each other and Scheiele did not come out ahead, but also he kept throwing Byfuglien out behind them. Maybe Paul Maurice thinks his top line is enough protection for Buff and Enstrom, but it most certainly was not last night. Look for Trouba and Morrissey to be the ones getting the assignment in Winnipeg. And for this series only to get faster and more frantic, which is great for all of us.

Sharks and Knights split with 2OT as well

Clearly the Sharks weren’t ready for Vegas in Game 1 and everything that could have gone wrong did. They were hellbent on slowing the game agains the Knights in Game 2 and it mostly worked. You get in trouble with Vegas when you let them get behind you in the neutral zone or hit the line with speed with or without the puck and harass your d-men. The Sharks made sure their d-men backed up at the first sign of trouble, basically put three across their own line so even when the Knights dumped it in they couldn’t come over the hill like starving Scotsmen painted blue on the forecheck. It requires you basically bury a good percentage of your good chances because you won’t get as many as normal, but the Sharks did. Interesting to see if they can do this at home with a more expectant home crowd. Then again, Fleury can’t keep this up, can he?

Pens Caps Is Pens Caps

I’ll admit I basically thought that once the Caps coughed up a two-goal lead in the time it takes to take a shit in Game 1 at home that this series is basically over. And it may still yet prove that way. Of course, this being the NHL, we can’t talk about how it’s been really entertaining and both Ovechkin and Crosby are giving this series the battling star-power the league has been dying for because it’s overshadowed by either the league’s incompetence or stupid shit like Tom Wilson braining Brian Dumoulin.

Do I know it was a goal? No, I don’t but you can’t tell me the call was confirmed when there was no call. The refs just blew the play dead and then high-tailed it for the headphones. And I get that different angles can skew things, but we can pretty much conclude that thing was over the line. As for Wilson, he’s lost any benefit of the doubt and the league would do well to try and cap any future stupidness from him by sitting him again. But they won’t, and it’s not like it would work from a real life Venom anyway.

Bs kneecap Bolts

This was a surprise, but sometimes the team that’s sat around for a while just isn’t as sharp as the one that played two nights ago and this is what that looked like. Also, why is Brayden Point and Anton Stralman your choice to deal with the best line in hockey? If you have any hope of beating the Bruins you have to keep Pastrnak-Bergeron-Marchand on a leash and you’re not doing that with Brayden Fucking Point, whatever his season was. And Stralman might be dead, and if he isn’t he’s definitely on a lot of tubes. The Bolts might have the second best line in hockey so they should be fighting fire with fire and if Victor Hedman is a Norris candidate then he should be out there trying to keep Bergeron’s line in their own end. Ryan McDonagh is fine but he’s a second pairing guy now. Then again, if they’re going to insist on pairing Dan Girardi with Hedman maybe that’s the problem. They’re going to have to figure out something, because letting that line go off or multiple goals is a great way to assure you’re going to enjoy the Florida sunshine full-time right quick. Ha, just kidding, no one enjoys Tampa.

Everything Else

Watching The Party – FFUD’s First Round Preview: Leafs-Bruins or The Complain Department

By Sam Fels 1669 0

 vs. 

SCHEDULE: Game 1 Thursday, Game 2 Saturday, Game 3 April 16th, Game 4 April 19th

We all know the format for the NHL playoffs is pretty stupid. In fact the NHL playoffs, if you really think about it, are kind of stupid. We just played an 82-game regular season to figure out who the best teams are, and now we’re going to subject them to the vagaries of luck and injury in a two-month battle royal that doesn’t really give us the best team, just the hottest one. But let’s leave that and say the divisional system as constructed is a problem. So when fans and media say it’s not fair that two of the seven best teams in the league have to face each other in the first round, they’re not exactly wrong.

But because it’s Toronto and Boston, I don’t give a flying fuck. Fuck ’em.

Let’s break it down.

Goalies: There can’t be a worse person to be than the Leafs goalie in the playoffs. No one is watched by more and more closely. And really, Freddie Andersen has always been just good enough to break your heart. He was excellent two years ago in the first round against Nashville, but only played five games. His three other campaigns in the playoffs have not been impressive, though some were effected by Bruce Boudreau’s treating his goalies like they were foosball players. Really, Andersen had the same season this year that he did last year, and he was fine against the Caps. But fine wasn’t enough then, and fine probably isn’t going to be enough against the Bruins. He is capable of more, we’ve just rarely seen it.

If we wrote this a couple months ago, we’d say the Bruins have a big advantage here. But Tuuke Nuke ’em has only been ok since the end of February and was horrific in three April starts. However his playoff pedigree is far ahead of Andersen’s, and he wasn’t the problem against the Senators last year. So it’s whether we go with his current form, which is basically “meh,” or what he’s done in the playoffs before which is much more. Still, I would expect Tuukka to be slightly better than Freddie at worst.

Defense: It’s kind of a measure of the firepower of the Toronto forwards that they amassed as many points as they did with this blue line. It’s still not very good, even if they figured out that Travis Dermott was a neat toy to have every night. It’s not that Jake Gardiner or The Mike Rielly Assassination or Rod Hainsey are bad… it’s just that you’d struggle to think of them as top pairing guys. They’ve been fascinated with Nikita Zaitsev for a couple seasons and yet no one’s quite explained what it is he does. Roman Polak is a circus bear. Even with the Bruins banged up whoever they throw out against Bergeron and Marchand and Pastrnak you’d have to give the B’s the advantage. And if you don’t keep a top line from scoring in a series, you’re kind of fucked.

The Bs will be without Brandon Carlo, as his ankle went Gumby, but they did get the moon-faced mouth-breather Charlie McAvoy back which is more important. He’s reinvigorated Zdeno Chara to a new contract, and he’s one of the bigger reasons that the Bruins were so good this year. Torey Krug as a bum-slayer is what you’d want, and Kevan Miller is better than I think even though his first name is stupid. Adam McQuaid has a big, dumb face and a big, dumb game but thanks to McAvoy the Bs have a top pairing where the Leafs don’t.

Forwards: Whatever arguments you might have with their defense, the only team that can even claim to have the Leafs’ top nine right now is Winnipeg. When JVR and Tyler Bozak are on your third line, you are the envy of pretty much the whole league. Which means the Leafs can get at Krug in his own end and McQuaid anywhere through Kadri and Marleau and Marner and even Plekanec on the 4th line. The depth is scary and the Leafs’ best hope. It’s also a ton of speed the Bs are going to ask Chara to deal with, and he don’t got none no more.

The Bruins will start this series without both Nashes, Riley and Rick. Though missing Rick in the playoffs really isn’t a big deal. Without them though, this starts to look a little one line-ish. It’s a hell of a line, with Pastrnak-Bergeron-Marchand, but they’ll need more. Krejci and Backes on the second isn’t the worst you could do, but comparing it to the Leafs and you see the problem. Donato and Heinen are kids farther down the lineup that could be weapons, especially against the iffy Leafs defense. But the Bs will need some people to return before too long. And Babcock is going to play Komarov 25 minutes anyway. The other thing to note is that since 2011, Brad Marchand has been a playoff dog, and if that continues this definitely tips to the Leafs.

Prediction: I want to pick the Leafs, I really do. Their forward depth is going to be hard to deal with. But I don’t trust their blue line or Andersen to keep the Bs top line off the scoresheet, and the important players on the Bs have all done this before. Unless Marchand pulls his Copperfield act in the spring again, the Bs seem too much. It’s going to take a while, though. Bruins in 7. 

Everything Else

Game #70 – I would’ve preferred the extra hour of sleep – Hawks 3, Bruins 1

By Adam Hess 2004 0

Box Score

Hockey Stats

Natural Stat Trick

There is something deeply offensive about the NHL expecting us to watch a hockey game before noon on a damn Sunday. Granted, I’m in Indianapolis so the game started after noon for me, but you get my point. Even the NFL doesn’t ask us to do that except for when they put games in London, and they put uninteresting teams over there on purpose. Then for this game to be the total freakin’ snoozer that it was, I may need to get in touch with an attorney and ask these teams for compensation for my time. To the bullets:

– Brad Marchand sat this one out with what was called an upper body injury. Some people on twitter chalked that part up to the Bruins maybe sitting him after he hit Anthony Duclair with a damn Sling Blade yesterday to avoid any kind of retaliation from the Hawks. Now don’t get me wrong, I know that Brad Marchand is a little chicken shit, but I am here to defend him. I have it on good authority he actually suffered a serious injury to his pea brain this morning after having Daylight Saving Time explained to him.

– For the second straight game I have been responsible for wrapping, the Blackhawks scored two power play goals, and both times came after I tweeted something deriding the PP. Is the Fels Motherfuck contagious?

– Anton Forsberg looked good in this one again, and he’s certainly starting to look more comfortable between the pipes as the year goes on. I’m not yet convinced he’s the ideal backup goaltender for this team next year, but given his contract it wouldn’t be a bad move to keep him around if you can’t find something better.

– Erik Gustafsson has been pretty good since he got his new contract extension, which we around here credit to the Fels Motherfuck. But he got a shitton of power play time today, and while he looked fine in it, I struggled to figure out what he’s shown to earn that time that Gustav Forsling did not when he was here. I’m gonna remain a Forsling apologist until he gets his fair shake at the NHL level, and that has yet to happen. I don’t think the Hawks can call him up anymore without it being an “emergency” call-up, so its not happening this year. But you’re gonna end up next year having a young offensive defenseman with little NHL experience still trying to find his offensive game at the NHL. Good asset management there.

– Jonathan Toews is starting to have better luck, with three points tonight, all of them assists. There’s not much more to gain on this season, but if Toews can end the year strong, that will be a good thing.

– Please don’t make me watch boring ass hockey games before 1pm anymore, NHL. Thanks.