Everything Else

Game #34 – Jets 3, Hawks 3, Jets Win Belching Contest – The TV’s On Too Much and I Don’t Ever Think Enough

By Rose Rankin 1871 0

By all accounts, the Hawks had no business even being in this game. The Jets should be asking themselves tough questions about why this was as close as it was, although in the end their talent level was enough to let them do what good teams are supposed to do (i.e., beat shitty teams). The start of another losing streak? At least it has the qualifier of being an overtime loss. Let’s get to the bullets:

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– Through the first two periods, this was honestly a game. Out of the gate the Hawks were fast, they were getting sticks in passing lanes at least a little bit, and they led in possession. Crawford gave up a power play goal to Mark Scheifele but it was off a ridiculously good pass from Blake Wheeler (basically the embodiment of what Fels talked about earlier today), and you could only tip your cap. And they ended the first tied at 1 thanks to Jonathan Toews‘ last-second goal, which also came from a great feed, this time from Saad to Keith to Toews. It was reminiscent of days past. Then Saad and Toews did it again in the second and the Hawks were leading…it was disconcerting, and while they played well they were by no means dominant.

– And that became apparent in the second when Patrik Laine just conjured a goal into being because he felt like it. This guy is insane, seriously. But fine, he’s too good for a team like the Hawks to thwart all night. The problem was later in the second when Mathieu Perreault was able to hop out of the penalty box and waltz in for a goal alone on Crawford. Granted, Crawford should have had that one but the power play preceding it was rather clown shoes and the Hawks couldn’t get set up well or hold onto the puck (obviously). And for the record, Pat and Eddie kept saying it was a short-handed goal and it was NOT SHORT HANDED WHEN THE GUY IN THE BOX SCORED. This is not rocket science—if the guy in the box scores then he is no longer in the box for the penalty that put him there. I just need someone to know this.

– Anyway, after that the Hawks pretty much deflated like a sad balloon. In the third they took repeated penalties and ended up down a man, and even when they finally had a power play themselves, John Hayden high-sticked Tyler Myers and they were right back where they started. They managed a pitiful 32 CF% in the third. But then…

–…Gustafsson gave them their second last-ditch goal of the night, tying it up with less than 10 seconds left, just as Toews had done in the first. You could tell Brossoit was pissed, and in the end he had nothing to worry about because the Hawks quickly coughed up the winning goal shortly into OT. But we got a point! We almost snuck one away from a far superior team! That’s now two games that HAVEN’T been regulation losses so…baby steps?

– Another positive: Brandon Saad had an excellent game. Defensively he looked good, like when he stopped Kulikov in the second and then took it down the ice for a nice opportunity, and he had two assists on the night. Add to that three shots, and he had a 54 and 58 CF% with Toews and Kahun respectively. We’re finding rays of hope wherever we can.

– The defense had its moments but also managed to be quite wobbly at times. Connor Murphy and Carl Dahlstrom were way underwater in possession, but there was Dahlstrom out against the Jets’ top line because why the fuck not? Duncan Keith on the other hand played well, looking like his old self at times. Except for when he was just standing around in OT watching Scheifele have his way with the puck and Crawford. Again, baby steps with a sort-of functioning defense at times, but there are still real fundamental problems here. At least we didn’t have to watch Brandon Manning.

– Jonathan Toews is continuing to play well and that’s nice. Alex DeBrincat did not continue his recent streak of playing well and that’s disappointing. Tonight his line managed barely over a 40 CF%, he only had one shot, plus he got picked on by Dustin Byfuglien being an asshole and running him over (that’s not Top Cat’s fault, it’s just the way things were going for him tonight). I know, he had two goals in his last two games, so give the guy a break. He just didn’t have it tonight and they could have used the help.

So it almost feels like a win to get even a point out of this game, when the Jets really should have brained these fools. The death march continues with four more games in the next week, against a lot more divisional opponents (i.e., good teams mostly). These last two have at least been watchable…onward and upward.

Everything Else

Game #31 – Canadiens 3, Hawks 2 – Make a New Plan, Stan

By Rose Rankin 1964 0

Another game, another heartbreaker. The Hawks actually generated a shitload of shots. Even more surprising, they didn’t give up a shitload, but rather just a regular load. And the power plays…so, so many power plays. And yet, they still couldn’t close it out. I want to watch the Bears game as much as you do, so let’s just get to it:

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Natural Stat Trick

–Oh, those power plays. The Hawks had a total of eight. That’s right, eight power plays, including one double minor when Jordie Benn hacked open Dylan Strome‘s face with a high stick in the third. Yes, Patrick Kane did score on the first power play, so that’s…something? But to have that many chances and not convert on more of them is just embarrassing. There were conspicuously fewer drop passes getting into the zone, but way too many Seabrook shots from the blue line that Price and everyone else could see coming a mile away. John Hayden was positioned well to screen, but the puck kept bouncing off his chest and he ended up doing Price’s job for him, rather than him deflecting it in or finding a rebound. It was absurd. Really, at this point, I don’t know how else to describe their power play.

–  Other frustrating numbers include the shots on goal. The Hawks only gave up 28, which is downright normal. Instead, THEY were the team with 39 shots. This is what they need to be doing and it would suggest their defense played better finally. The third goal wasn’t terrible but still one Crawford would of course like to have back. It was just deflating after they ostensibly did what they’re supposed to do.

– Patrick Kane had the two goals, which was good to see after a bit of a drought. Also, our Irish Son Connor Murphy played well in his first game back. He had four shots on goal and a 62 CF%. I didn’t understand why Colliton made a lot of the defensive changes that he did, but Murphy had over a 60% with both Keith and Gustafsson, so at least he may still be versatile with the blender.

– And really, what the fuck was that all about? Keith and Seabrook were paired back together in the second and third, and their possession number was 0.00. I thought that was an error, but no. Their CF% with each other was zero. Meanwhile, Keith and Jokiharju had a 55 CF%. Relatedly, Joker’s numbers with Brandon fucking Manning, who he got stuck with for far too long, was a dismal 28.6 CF% (these are in all situations, which I looked at because there was so much damn power play time it seemed disingenuous to look at only even strength). I realize Colliton is working with a lack of talent and clearly is in over his head, but using Q’s blankie of Keith and Seabrook is nonsensical at this point. And why, for the love of god, would you put your teenage talent with a useless jamoke from whom he can only learn mistakes and failure?

– I will end on one last sort-of positive note: Alex DeBrincat had a good game after not doing much of anything lately. He and Dylan Strome do seem to still have some chemistry (duh), and Top Cat had multiple pretty chances (three, to be exact), including drawing one of the five million penalties. He even pulled off a nifty spin-o-rama to keep possession in the offensive zone, and finished the night with an 82.6 CF% (again, all situations). If only he’d been a little more effective with his power play minutes, then he really would have had himself a game.

It’s exhausting. It’s exhausting to decry the same problems game after game. And it’s even more difficult to do it when they’re slowly improving in fits and starts, and yet the results aren’t there. Again, there’s no rest for the wicked as they’ll be seeing the Jets twice this week along with the Penguins and Sharks. Onward and upward?

Photo credit: Chicago Tribune

Everything Else

Game #28 – Flames 3, Hawks 2 – Just a Deadbeat, Right Off the Street, Bound to Follow You Down

By Rose Rankin 2106 0

Tonight’s game was quite a throwback—to stupidity, dirty hits, pointless fights, everything you remember from the bad old days! This marks two games in a row where the Blackhawks have had a player thrown out, which tells you nearly all you need to know. Let’s get to it:

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–The Hawks actually made it over 10 minutes without giving up a goal in the first period. This is where we’re at now, when going half of the first without falling behind is a major step. Putting aside the blackness of that reality, not only did they avoid giving up multiple goals early, they even answered the Flames’ first goal with a classic forehand-backhand by Jonathan Toews, which just de-pantsed Mike Smith. So the game didn’t get off to TOO terrible of a start, although it must be said that the Flames outshot the Hawks 18-6 in the first. Think about that for a minute. They gave up 18 shots in one period, which is bad enough, and that was a full three times the number of shots they themselves managed. What does this tell you? One, is that they barely clung to life in that period. Two, is that the only reason they did so was because Corey Crawford is unreal. He had multiple saves in the first that kept the game from getting out of hand early, including after Forsling had a bad giveaway, and also on the PK after Kunitz took Dumb Penalty #1 (more on that later). Crawford hasn’t exactly been lights out in his last few games, but none of the goals tonight can be pinned on him as bad or soft ones. He was definitely back to form.

–And man did we need him to be. The level of stupidity tonight was really something to behold. After getting out of the first tied at one and with a tenuous hold on things through 4-on-4 to start the second, Chris Kunitz went full-on Neanderthal and elbowed Travis Hamonic in what can only be described as a dickhead play. Hamonic’s head was down, but Kunitz went high with the elbow and he was getting rid of the puck so it was both foolish and dangerous. Kunitz fully deserved the major penalty and game misconduct. And of course, the Flames scored twice on the ensuing extended power play. Those goals made the difference in the game, and they were entirely because of Kunitz being a stupid asshole. If he isn’t stapled to a chair in the pressbox for the rest of the season that will prove once and for all that the Hawks’ brass is incompetent, doesn’t understand how to win, and doesn’t care to figure it out.

–In an attempt to not be outdone in the stupid asshole department, everyone’s favorite dung heap Brandon Manning got in the most useless and wimpy fight possible with Garnet Hathaway (which btw is NOT an actual name). The two skated around each other with fists brandished like old timey boxers, and hit each other far less than that. It didn’t “change the momentum” or “send a message.” In fact, the only upside was that Manning spent most of the rest of the game in the penalty box and thus unable to offend our eyes with his playing.

–Clearly I’m not one for fighting, but I will say this: in the second period when James Neal basically stomped on Corey Crawford and Crawford came after him and nearly punched him, I was cackling with delight. If Crow wants to hit someone because he’s frustrated with this shitty team and the defense allowing him to get curb-stomped, I’ll set aside my issues and I’ll be here for it.

–The power play…it’s just so bad. And on paper it really shouldn’t be: Toews, Kane, Saad, DeBrincat and Jokiharju…this should be a functional first power play unit! But they can’t make a zone entry to save their lives. Seriously. They cannot get out of their own zone, they cannot get through the neutral zone, and they most certainly can’t get across the offensive blue line. It’s like a god damn force field, and that stupid-ass drop pass in the defensive zone has lived on in the Colliton era like a recurring nightmare. There are too many issues to cover in these bullets, but suffice it to say that the clown shoes are still firmly entrenched.

–Alright, enough doom and gloom. What was good from this game? Toews’ goal was pretty and we need the top line to keep scoring. The Kahun-Kampf-Kane line may be something that works. Their 43 CF% didn’t bode all that well but they were certainly fast (and besides, the entire team was underwater in possession). Dylan Strome had a nice goal. And once again, for the cheap seats in the back, Crawford finished the night with a .927 SV% and an assist, and had to face 41 fucking shots on goal.

Tonight was ugly, dumb and frustrating. If the Hawks had gotten blown out it would have made sense and been deserved. The Flames are playing much better, but again this could have been a winnable game—Mike Smith is Mike Smith which means there’s always a chance, and the fact that it came down to the stupidest of penalties is downright painful. But, there’s no rest for the wicked with three more games this week. Fire Chris Kunitz into the sun. Onward and upward.

Photo credit: Chicago Tribune

 

Everything Else

Game #26 – Hawks 5, Jets 6 – Your Day Breaks, Your Mind Aches

By Rose Rankin 1933 0

Well, what can you say about this one? We knew it was going to be rough, and right out of the gate it felt doomed. But then for a moment it didn’t…until it did again, until the third, and then… let’s just get to the bullets:

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– We’ve all been rightfully bitching about a lack of scoring depth, so didn’t we get a treat tonight with five goals coming from the dregs: Marcus Kruger, John Hayden, Jan Rutta, David Kampf, and Artem Anisimov (no, I don’t really think Kruger is the dregs but he’s acting like it right now). Kruger’s and Hayden’s came in the frantic mess that was the first period, where it seemed initially like the Jets were going to run away with it, but these goals exposed how Hellebuyck was already having an off night and the Jets defense wasn’t at their best. Both came from rebounds in scrums right in front of the net, as did Kampf’s late in the third. So I guess there’s a moral victory in that our shitty bottom six and possibly worst defenseman managed five goals against ostensibly one of the best teams in the Western Conference. Honestly I’m shocked we scored five goals at all, so I’m going to take a cue from the sunny disposition of the Canadian announcers whose feed supplanted the dogshit Comcast one, and be pleasantly surprised with our offense tonight.

– The Jets looked beatable at many points tonight, which is contributing to the frustration here. Yes, they have ridiculous scoring (more on that later), but the fucking Hawks were able to tie it up once and come within one whiffed shot of tying it twice. Jonathan Toews had the game on his stick in the final seconds of the third and it looked like he either had some equipment malfunction with the stick, or just missed the puck. He was at the top of the crease and had Hellebuyck moving the wrong way but no dice. Either way, the Jets did not dominate in possession—they best they managed was a 53 CF% at evens in the second, whereas in the third they had a measly 30 CF%. In fact during the third the Hawks had multiple long shifts in the offensive zone with plenty of cycling but not quite enough finish. Connor Hellebuyck finished with an .839 SV%, so he continued his underwhelming ways. But the Jets’ raw talent was enough to overcome suspect defense and goaltending.

– About that…Jesus christ, Patrik Laine is a beast. He only had two goals tonight, which feels like a win right there. In the third he straight-up robbed a hapless Jan Rutta in the defensive zone and walked right in to score easily. This guy has had three hat tricks this month alone—and in three different countries! This is what I learned thanks to Canadian announcers: hat tricks in Finland, Canada, and the US. Just this November. He’s terrifying. And even though Laine had an off night with less than 17 goals, Nikolaj Ehlers did the honors by getting a hat trick instead. He also made our defensemen look pathetic, including picking off a pass from Gustafsson for an easy breakaway that led to his third goal. That was the real difference between the teams tonight: when the Jets needed just enough to get out of a jam, their insanely talented players could do it, regardless of the rest of the team.

– The DeBrincat-Strome-Kane line got split up in the second and brought back together in the third. Their possession numbers didn’t turn out great (about a 29 CF%), yet in the third they turned it around a little and were responsible for a lot of that cycling and puck movement in the offensive zone I mentioned earlier, except there was that no-finish problem too. Personally I think they should be given time to make things work, and I’d rather not see Jeremy Colliton get antsy and start hitting the blender on these guys.

– Hellebuyck had a bad night but Crawford’s wasn’t any better. Granted, Crawford was facing far superior scoring threats and has the shittier defense in front of him. After destroying everything that came his way a week or so ago, I guess a bit of a correction is to be expected. But games like this where a better opponent is caught on an off night are exactly the ones where we need him to be super-human. Help me Corey Crawford, you’re my only hope.

– The broadcast issues were a bit comical, since at least for me it kept cutting out every time there was a goal. Finally they went to the Canadian broadcast and I was not sorry to hear someone other than Pat and Eddie, even if it was a couple of backwoods tundra-dwelling clods drunk on Labatt.

Only another 48 hours until we get to do this again! And it’s against another elite team…aren’t you just counting the minutes?

Beer de jour: Totally Naked by New Glarus

Line of the Night: “Good things happen to good people.” —Random Canadian hockey announcer, with what was the most Canadian thing ever said.

Everything Else

Atop the Sugar Pile – Post-Thanksgiving Hangover

By Rose Rankin 1873 0

It’s time yet again to look at the good, the bad, and the mildly disappointing as the Hawks return from their East Coast swing during this now-finished Thanksgiving week…

The Dizzying Highs

Brandon Saad: I’m honestly not sure that anyone deserves to be considered a “dizzying high” right now, but someone has to be in this part of the post so fine, let it be Brandon Saad. Again. That’s right—Saad has been atop this pile for two weeks in a row. Yes, there were issues with the nuclear option of him, Toews, and Kane on a line, namely being on the ice for multiple Lightning goals on Friday, yet his performance Saturday was enough to overcome that. The gorgeous pass to Kane in the second, the equally if not better one to Alex DeBrincat to save the game in dramatic fashion…this man fucks, my frents. Five points in his last five games, hell, he even made John Hayden look good last Saturday. As of this writing, his shooting percentage is a career-high 13.5, and despite all the line drama he’s still managing a 55.1 CF%, currently third-best on the team. He fucks.

The Terrifying Lows

Marcus Kruger. Of all the players brought back from the dead by this team, Marcus Kruger was the only one I was actually happy to see return. But I have to admit he’s been awfully quiet lately. No one expects a fourth-line scoring juggernaut, but the problem is he’s not really succeeding at the role he’s here to play. He’s got the third-highest PK minutes on the team, yet his CF Rel on the kill is -7.8. I know, it’s the penalty kill, obviously the other team is more likely to score, but for reference, Seabrook’s PK CF Rel is 6.3, and the stat for Brandon fucking Manning, who only has six fewer seconds of PK time than Kruger, is 12.5. No, there’s no minus sign in front of that. Kruger’s possession numbers at evens are troubling too—a career-worst 46.6 CF% right now. Granted, just over 80% of his starts are in the defensive zone, but he’s had similar start numbers in years past and finished closer to or above 50%. Besides, taking a shitload of defensive zone starts and holding onto the puck anyway is his actual job description. Maybe he needs confidence. Maybe he needs better linemates than oafs like Andreas Martinsen (well, he definitely needs that regardless of any numbers). Whatever it is, I hope it’s temporary.

The Creamy Middles

Alexandre Fortin. My earnest little Fortnite has had an interesting week or so. His short-handed goal against the Panthers was darling and gave the Hawks some much-needed hope in a game that was looking like a puke stain meant to be hidden under a rug or cleverly placed piece of furniture (no I’m not speaking from experience, why would you even say that?). Conversely, his broken stick against the Lightning, while not entirely his fault, was emblematic of his enthusiasm yet lack of finish. Still, Fortin is sporting a positive Corsi (52.8 at evens) with a little over half his starts coming in the defensive zone. And, he’s been fast on whatever line he finds himself on—with fellow children Kampf and Kahun, or bouncing around with whatever Scrabble letters Colliton comes up with on a given night. He’s still just a speedy bottom-six guy, but we’ll take all the help we can get.

Everything Else

Game #22 – Hawks 2, Capitals 4: It’s Just a Face in the Crowd Down a Dead-End Street

By Rose Rankin 1724 0

I don’t know what the hell the Hawks were doing at the beginning of the game, but a slow start pretty much screwed them. They followed that up with a lot of dumb penalties, making life harder for themselves, but had it not been for some abject stupidity right after puck drop we may have had a game. Oh, and Michal Kempny exacted his revenge, that did it too. To the bullets:

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– Of course it was Tom fucking Wilson taking advantage of the Hawks looking drunk and clueless at the start of the first. Of course it was. And not only did this anthropomorphized turd score less than a minute in, he also made sure to barrel over Crawford and knee him in the head. Fuck Tom Wilson. The fact that he’s even playing right now is an affront to decency. This league is a toilet.

– Something ridiculous happened to me the other day: I walked into an elevator at my office building, the lone dude who had been in it walked off said elevator, and as I went in, pressed the button and breathed, the smell of fart was unmistakable. As the doors closed he looked fearfully over his shoulder and definitely saw my twisted, disgusted face looking back at him with an “I know what you did!” expression. The Hawks were that guy in the first period. They laid a huge fart, and then tried to coolly walk away pretending like nobody noticed. Once the first couple minutes were over and Andre Burakovsky made it 2-0 with a power play goal, the Hawks pulled it together and got a flurry of shots on goal (after having none for about half the period). They ended up only slightly underwater in possession (47.5 CF%, all day not just evens), which was quite the accomplishment given the way it started. And yet just when it seemed like they were bouncing back, Saad high-sticked Nicklas Backstrom, which inexplicably was called an elbow, and inexplicably was argued by both Saad and Toews. Whatever.

– I’m dismissive of that silliness because Brandon Saad continued his resurgence with his third goal in as many games. It was a beautiful move just de-pantsing Orlov about mid-way through the second period. At that point the Hawks were down 3-0 so not only was it great to see Saad doing what we’ve been waiting for him to do (and consistently), but it briefly gave us, and the Hawks, some hope. And that was the mistake.

– You know how it was 3-0 when Saad scored? That’s because Michal Kempny got his first goal of the year against the Hawks. And later, in the third, he made a great play in the neutral zone to prevent a breakaway (by Anisimov who would have tripped over his own dick anyway but that’s beside the point), and it led immediately to the fourth goal, effectively ending the Hawks chances at making it a game. Well, they had in fact made it a game with Gustafsson’s goal in the third, but Smith-Pelly’s just moments later, thanks to Kempny’s defensive prowess, crushed the Hawks. And I can’t even be mad at him for it.

– This isn’t a hot take, but jeebus the Hawks are top heavy when it comes to offense. The Saad-Toews-Kane line led all four lines with eight shots, and they had over a 60 CF% at evens. Loading up on the top line isn’t necessarily wrong—it just underlines how empty the rest of the offense is. On the bright side, the second line of Schmaltz-Anisimov-DeBrincat generated the pass that led to Gustafsson’s goal, so at least Wide Dick and Nick Schmaltz got assists.

– And that’s good for Schmaltz because, if the broadcast is a reflection of the company line, then the organ-I-zation hates him these days. I know it’s a little conspiracy-theorist of me, but Eddie has been unrelentingly bad-mouthing Schmaltz these last few games which just makes me think they’re priming the ground for getting rid of him. It’s no secret Schmaltz has been struggling lately, with only nine points on the season so far. Yet seven of those points came when he was on the ice with Patrick Kane, so the source of the drought seems to clearly be sticking him on the wing and on a line without a top scorer where he (Schmaltz) can be a playmaker. I get why Colliton is going with Toews and Kane on a line, and the change doesn’t absolve Schmaltz of all responsibility for generating SOMETHING on offense. But the ire over Schmaltz from the broadcast really needs to be put in perspective, and unless they can package him as part of a season-changing deal, launching a young guy out of frustration is probably not the ideal move here.

– The power play still sucks. In case you were wondering.

We shouldn’t be all that surprised that the current Stanley Cup champions beat this group of schlubs, even if those champions are still drunk from the summer. But still, the sloppy start is maddening, and for a team with talent issues like the Hawks, having to dig yourself out of a hole basically as soon as the game starts just isn’t acceptable. And now it’s on to an even better team in the Lightning. Just get drunk and the weekend will go by in a blur. Onward and upward.

Beer: Totally Naked by New Glarus, followed by Myrcenary from Odell when I really needed a higher alcohol content.

Line of the Night: “Here’s your so-called second line…” —Foley throwing shade at Schmaltz, and Wide Dick and Top Cat by association.

Photo credit: Chicago Tribune

Everything Else

Game #20 – Hawks 1, Kings 1, Kings Win Rock, Paper, Scissors: Leaves Start Falling, Comedown is Calling

By Rose Rankin 2172 0

It took a really long time, but after about 46 minutes the Hawks and Kings realized they were playing a game in front of spectators and cameras, and they stopped skating around with their dicks in their hands and attempted to play something resembling hockey. Unfortunately for the Hawks it was a lot of the type of hockey they’ve been playing lately, and they could barely squeeze out a point against some bottom-feeders and their fourth-string goalie. Are you sure you want to know more? OK then, we’ll get to the bullets, but don’t say I didn’t warn you…

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Natural Stat Trick

– It’s almost hard to express how painfully dull and stupid the first two periods were. The Kings are not a good team, and we know this to be true, and yet they outplayed the Hawks and just looked, and WERE, better. Notice I didn’t say they were good, they were just better (all the more frustrating). They beat the Hawks in shots and possession (ended the first with a 60.6 CF% and the second with a 58%), and thanks to a fortunate bounce, they also had the lead after two. Tyler Toffoli banked it off Keith’s skate and it ricocheted in, more luck than anything, but in terms of how it happened that’s irrelevant. The Hawks made their typical fuck-ups on defense, such as having three guys behind the goal line chasing the puck, which left Kempe wide open in front of Crawford (who stopped the shot because of course he did). Dumb turnovers, useless power plays, these two periods had everything you’ve come to expect.

–More on those power plays, for a minute: the Hawks had three in quick succession in the second and of course converted on none. Patrick Kane was out there for the entirety of at least two of them (maybe all three, admittedly it’s a blur). And by the third try they were at least getting shots on net, but in the first two it was still a lot of passing around the perimeter—more puck movement? That’s the best we got?—but nothing of substance. They kinda sorta got better by the third one, but nonetheless the clown shoes remain firmly ensconced.

– And they got goalie’d again by a fucking nobody. The amount of times this happens has reached downright farcical levels. Calvin Petersen (huh?), who apparently the Hawks tried to draft, made 34 saves on 35 shots for a save percentage of .971. I want to be angry about it, but I’m just worn down by this situation. And for the record, Crawford was nearly as damn good. He ended with a .969 SV% (NICE) which is funnier and cooler so Petersen can go fuck off. And both Jonathan Toews and Patrick Kane should be embarrassed that they couldn’t score on this jamoke in the shootout.

– Guys, Brandon Saad may be good again! There’s a silver lining for ‘ya. He got moved to the top line midway through the game and scored the Hawks’ only goal off a gorgeous feed from Toews that hit his stick just at the top of the crease. In fact, the accompanying change of Schmaltz moving to a line with Anisimov and DeBrincat also worked. At first I was a little skeptical, given how slow Anisimov is, but the three of them had a CF% over 70 together, and Nick Schmaltz even shot the puck a couple times. I know I’m grabbing at any sliver of hope or positivity here, but it was sort of working, honest.

What else can one say about a game with idiotic defending, shitty power plays, and non-existent offense? Wait, I think I actually just summed it up right there…so no, there isn’t more one can say. This was their last “easy” game for a while, if you take the Wild or Capitals seriously and I can understand why you wouldn’t. But if they can’t even get an overtime or shootout win against the fucking Kings, there is every reason to dread those teams that may just be overrated, mediocre, or still hungover from last summer. Either way, it’s a long road ahead. Onward and upward.

Beer: Drumroll by Odell Brewing

Line of the Night: “They’re a very fragile team right now.” —Eddie O, but which team was he referring to?

Everything Else

Game #19 – Hawks 1, Blues 0: Well the First Days are the Hardest Days, Don’t You Worry Anymore

By Rose Rankin 1903 0

It’s the first win of the Jeremy Colliton era! And the end of a wretched losing streak! And why did it happen? Because Corey Crawford is god. To the bullets:

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Natural Stat Trick

–The first period was just plain old uneventful. Crawford had a big stop on Vladimir Tarasenko (more on him later), and David Kampf and Brandon Manning fell over one another in the defensive zone in a very accurate Three Stooges impression, but it’s the Blues and they weren’t able to capitalize. Aside from that, it wasn’t a poorly played period by any means, just not a flashy one.

–The second wasn’t much better, but the Hawks got their one and only goal and on the power play no less. It was actually more luck than skill, as Jay Bouwmeester kicked it in while Jay Gallon was flopping around. But whatever, we’ll take it. And honestly Allen wasn’t that bad tonight, it’s just that Crawford was better.

–And he had to be—the Hawks gave up 28 shots on goal and only managed 19 of their own. Same old story. In fact the Hawks got domed in possession tonight and were only above water in the first period. They had a 39.4 CF% and 33.3 CF% in the second and third, respectively. Going by the eye test alone tonight, the defense actually didn’t look that bad, that’s the fucked up thing. Yes, Manning and Forsling as a pairing was rather terrifying to watch, but for the most part the defense at least attempted to get themselves in front of their net. After leaving O’Hare-runway-sized gaps in front of Crawford for most of last week’s games, this is a relief. And yet, they still gave up nearly 30 shots. Baby steps, but there is still work to do.

–I’m not entirely sold on Colliton’s lines, but I also think it’s too early to start bitching about them (yet). The top line of Schmaltz-Toews-Kane is passing the aforementioned eye test. Anisimov is still too damn slow and couldn’t keep up with the again-resurgent Brandon Saad, so that’s annoying. I’m not quite sure what the DeBrincat-Kampf-Kahun line is going to end up being. They were just north of 50% in possession, which was better than the top line, and all together had five shots on the night. So yes? This is good? I have difficulty trusting Kampf to make good decisions or execute competently, I’m worried that Top Cat is wasting his time, and I’m suspecting that Kahun was basking in reflected glory from being on a line with Jonathan Toews. All of these assumptions could turn out to be wrong, so again, no judgement…yet….

–Tarasenko had an interesting evening, sacrificing a tooth (wholesale, like a cartoon with it popping out of his mouth onto the ice), and he foiled the Hawks trying to get a damn empty net goal. Twice. This had to have been a painful game for him, in both the physical and mental sense.

If the drought was going to be broken, it makes sense that it came against the lowly Blues. The fact that we had to eke out the win with a fluky own-goal by dumbass Bouwmeester and Crawford had to stand on his head against these bottom-feeders to keep the Hawks in the game is a little worrisome. But hey, it’s a win! And if we can beat these fucksticks, then we can do the same against the equally terrible Kings on Friday. There’s nothing to worry about, right?

 

Everything Else

Game #16 – Hurricanes 4, Hawks 3: Welcome to Your Life

By Rose Rankin 2296 0

And the Jeremy Colliton era begins! So much hope, so much excitement, so much resentment by large numbers of people and…we got reminded how much the defense sucks regardless of the coach. Let’s get to it:

Box Score

Corsica

Natural Stat Trick

– Let’s set aside all of the wailing and teeth-gnashing over Quenneville’s firing because we’re going to hear about it again everywhere, from Twitter to the Score to the Metra platform tomorrow.  The first period was really the awful one where their defense dug them into the hole from which light could not escape. And you know that the giardiniera-soaked masses will take this performance as proof that DEY SHOULDN’A GOTTEN RIDDA Q MY FRENT. In the reality in which we live, however, the Hawks are still dealing with the same amount of talent that they had as of Monday afternoon, and that was made clear tonight. Far too often in the first (and to a lesser degree, the second period), the Hawks avoided the front of their own net as if they had a life-threatening allergy to providing Crawford with some support. By the time Calvin de Haan waltzed in for the fourth goal early in the second on a power play, Crow was so pissed he destroyed his stick on the net like Pete Townsend smashing a guitar.

– Beyond just hanging their goalie out to dry, the Hawks’ defense did other dumb shit such as Erik Gustafsson making multiple bad turnovers early on, and Henri Jokiharju taking a needless penalty, with Keith kind of contributing to it, which led directly the second goal. I’m sure Jeremy Colliton knew what he was getting with this defense—particularly since he sat Brandon Manning so this guy’s already OK in my book—but it was the harshest possible welcoming to the defense that is now his albatross.

– Alright, the defense sucks, we know that. Time for some positives. The Hawks were down by four goals and actually made a game of this, which tells you how shitty Carolina’s defense is, but also that not all is lost with our offense. Saad scored a pretty one (technically Kampf got credit for it but it was his ass being in front that scored, Saad did the actual work), Schmaltz did too (SEE DUMMY, SHOOT SOMETIMES), and Kane lifted TVR’s stick just enough to knock the puck in from the crease.

– On a related note, guess what guys? Trevor van Riemsdyk still sucks! In addition to Kane’s maneuver, Schmaltz also burned him in the third on his goal. Same as it ever was.

– Speaking of Patrick Kane, Colliton rode him like a rented mule tonight. Can’t really blame him either. Kane was out there for an entire power play (fine, cool, whatever), and had just over 22 minutes of ice time. The power play didn’t make huge strides but at least Kane was out there with some right-handed shots. As Sam said earlier, baby steps.

–Marcus Kruger got his knee disemboweled by Clark Bishop basically taking his feet out from under him. Kruger hasn’t exactly been lighting the world on fire lately but the last thing this team needs is LESS depth, or for the defensive-zone-starting stalwart to be out for any length of time. It looked incredibly painful and shitty though when he hit that post.

– Back to the giardiniera-soaked masses, they’ll surely be rabid about how well Scott Darling played while Crawford gave up four goals in barely more than one period. Nevermind the fact that, as discussed, the Hawks defense completely screwed Crawford over, or that he had multiple fantastic saves after the Pete Townsend impression. If you come across one of these people tomorrow, ignore them and move on.

So it wasn’t exactly the strongest start to this brave new world, but we all knew the defense blows, and seriously Colliton has had barely 48 hours with this team. Remember, he benched Brandon Manning so there’s GOT to be hope. Onward and upward.

Photo credit: Chicago Tribune

Everything Else

Game #15 – Hawks 3, Flames 5: Here’s Your Morning Song

By Rose Rankin 1789 0

Ever been all excited for a vacation and then while you’re there everything goes wrong? You get sick, or the hot water heater breaks, or your wallet gets stolen, or all three? Well, that’s pretty much what the Western Canada trip has been for the Hawks, who come home with no points and instead have lost five straight. This is a bit of a truncated wrap because, c’mon guys it’s early!

Box Score

– The Hawks played basically the whole game without Duncan Keith because he mashed Dube’s head into the top of the boards and got a game misconduct within the first minute. However, it wasn’t malicious and wasn’t even a hit from behind (Dube saw him coming and braced for it, but their positioning and bad luck led to his head getting pushed into the boards). I’m not going to complain about it because I kinda appreciate the refs enforcing the letter of the law, even on an elite defenseman. I bitch and moan when they aren’t consistent with punishing the types of plays that lead to head injuries since without that, the behavior of oafs won’t change. Should it happen because of an accident or bad luck, oh well. And while of course I’m pissed about the outcome of the game, it’s the Hawks’ fault for not being able to hold onto a lead, which they had established well after Keith was out of the game, and not the refs’ fault for doing their jobs.

– About that blown lead…the Hawks were up 3-2 at the start of the third period but stupid Matthew Tkachuk scored to bring them within one just before the end of the second, which had an ominous feel. And indeed, Sean Monohan tied it up about midway through the period, and Michael Frolik gave them the lead in just another minute or so (et tu, Frolik?). Again, the Hawks have no one to blame but themselves. Crawford faced 41 total shots, and the Flames are fast as fuck. They were aggressive in the third and kept generating chances. Would things have worked out better if Keith was in? Most likely yes. But for the team to give up that many shots you can’t really pin it on the absence of one guy. The Hawks are currently tied for 8th-worst in the league in shots given up (averaging 33.5 per game), and none of this is going to get better if that shit doesn’t get better.

– Relatedly, Crawford did the very best he could. I know I’m a fluffer for Crow, and Tkachuk’s goal was sort of a miss for him (but it was incredibly precise placement over his shoulder, so whatever), but again I don’t think this loss gets pinned on him. The fifth goal was an empty net so he actually ended the night with a .900 SV%. Granted that’s not good enough (obviously), but shit, facing over 40 shots, what the hell is he supposed to do?

– Hey, Jonathan Toews got his 300th goal! Way to make a cool milestone mean absolutely nothing, guys. Also, Brandon Saad scored, so that’s nice. And DeBrincat ended a scoring drought with an assist. Jan Rutta also scored but fuck him, I don’t care. All those things are nice, but the Hawks managed a measly 15 shots on goal, and as I mentioned gave up nearly three times as many. Woof.

The other night I said it’d be a long plane ride back if they didn’t get any points, and while I generally love being right, in this case it kinda sucks. Hopefully Quenneville is feeling nervous because fuck him too, I don’t care. So here they are with their tail between their legs and a few days to think about what they did before they play Carolina on Thursday. Onward and upward.