At long last, games that matter are here. And the four of us go around the league to try to parse out what matchups are going to be worthwhile in both conferences. Spoiler alert: The Leafs series is obviously going to be the most important for the league, the sport itself, and the global economy. Have a listen after the jump.
Let’s start this with a story, one that exemplifies how childish, petty, and vitriolic being a sports fan can be. But hopefully, if you work out these kinds of emotions in this arena, you don’t apply them to the rest of your life where people close to you might get hurt. I said, “hopefully.”
It’s the Winter Classic at Wrigley. You may not remember, but as the Hawks had exploded on the scene in November and December, they had actually crawled to within four points of the Wings for first in the division. They faced two games against them, one in the Joe and the Winter Classic. Those of us who weren’t quite in tune with our senses thought this was the moment to really fire off a warning shot. I had launched the C.I. two months before, and was still sleeping on my father’s couch while it took hold.
You might recall that the Hawks got completely pantsed in Detroit, and it wasn’t much better at the Winter Classic. The Hawks got taught a lesson on what it would take to be where Detroit was and how much farther they had to go. But that’s not the point here.
Hey there, CSN. I know you know me. I give you a lot of shit on Twitter. I don’t particularly want to, though I’ve come to appreciate it. But I wouldn’t have to if you didn’t really suck at the one thing you’re supposed to do, which is present sports. Sometimes it’s little things. Like how the filters on your cameras still make it look like the Hawks are playing in a garage. Or how you regularly don’t have the right replay angle for whatever Eddie O is blabbering about (Eddie O blabbering isn’t really your fault, but I sometimes take it out on you). Or your occasional tendency to have someone who knows nothing about hockey on your hockey coverage.
Sometimes it’s bigger stuff. Like the way you fired Josh Mora for doing his job (full disclosure: Josh is a close friend). Or the whole Susannah Collins debacle, though I know that was driven by the Hawks themselves and you just carried out their wishes. Or your insistence on putting Bobby Hull on my screen, when it’s pretty well known that Hull is a human hemorrhoid.
And yet you dig the hole deeper.
vs. 
RECORDS: Hawks 50-23-8 Kings 38-35-7
PUCK DROP: 5pm Central
TV: CSN
HEY REMEMBER WHEN THEY MATTERED?: The Royal Half
Yeah, you know what? I’m not even going to bother with the normal preview. It’s the last game, neither of these teams are going to give the faintest of fucks, we have no idea who’s going to rest and who isn’t, and it’s an occasion best left to simply get out of the way before the Hawks can move on to the things that matter and the Kings can move on to figuring out… well, to figuring it out.
It always feels a little silly to say your heart is breaking watching millionaires, but there are instances where if it didn’t you’ve become pure granite on the inside. In this case, it’s watching someone whose whole life has revolved around one thing having that one thing simply taken away from him, and I doubt there’s an amount of money in the world that can make one at peace with that. If you didn’t see Bryan Bickell after last night’s game, you may want to seclude yourself before watching:
[WATCH] An emotional Bryan Bickell spoke with the media following his first game back in Raleigh Thursday night: pic.twitter.com/mo2yP0vjtX
— x – Carolina Hurricanes (@Canes) April 7, 2017
I bet before Quenneville decided to rest everyone that matters save The Fun Boys and Kruger and a handful of others–and if the Hawks’ cap space and travel situation would have allowed it they would have iced the entire Hogs team–he looked ahead and saw that the Hawks would be playing a game that didn’t matter to them but did matter to the Ducks. And once he saw that I’m sure he knew that this game was going to involve a far too high level of bullshit that there would be no reason to subject his veterans to. I’m sure he told Toews that he can’t risk putting him out there to deal with any Kesler ridiculousness and losing him for any game that matters. Don’t need any of the top three d-men taking Perry slashes to the ankles, and so on.
And so it played out, the Ducks proving why they would be the most detestable organization in the league if anyone every bothered to remember they exist. This is a team that’s now won it’s division five straight seasons, and do you even give a shit? Of course you don’t, because it never matters in the end. The only time you think about them is when they prove time and time again that the lessons they learned from winning in 2007 have nothing to do with the two Hall of Famers they had on the blue line, the real reason they won. They’re still under the impression that GRIT and HITZ and TOUGHNESS and FAAAARRRRTTTT is currency in this league, which is how they end up re-hiring a giant pimple who can’t make toast as coach.
at 
Game Time: 9:00PM CDT
TV/Radio: CSN, NBCSN, WGN-AM 720
Ixnay On The Hombre: Anaheim Calling
Like a buoyant High Life hangover turd in a port-o-john at a summer street festival, the Anaheim Ducks have somehow floated their way to the top of the Pacific Division, and have an opportunity to clinch the division yet again for the fifth straight year should they win in any fashion tonight and San Jose beats the Oilers. What a time to be alive.
Been doing this every so often throughout the season, as we try and get a handle on who really should be taking home the baubles come June. Of course, almost none of these awards will actually go this way, because as expert as hockey people like to think they are most of them don’t look beyond “points” in any of these categories. The only caveat being when it comes to the Selke award, where they’ll also look at faceoff percentage and then points. But we can do better, and one day dorks like me will have their “King Felix Winning The Cy Young With 13 Wins” day. Until then, we’ll remain in the shadows, plotting our revenge (our next trip to Five Guys, really).
So, without further ado…whatever the hell ado is…
This time of season, I’m often reminded of a home and home between the Blackhawks and Detroit Red Wings to close out the 2008-2009 season. The Hawks were returning to the playoffs for the first time after nearly a decade away. The Red Wings were the class of the league. Throughout the regular season, the Wings basically toyed with the Hawks to the tune of beating them in every game. They beat them twice in regulation and twice in overtime; the Hossa shootout slapper over Khabibulin’s shoulder permanently ingrained in anyone’s memory who watched.
Then with the regular season down to its two final games, the Wings were checked out. Even dressing a roster of their stars that included Pavel Datsyuk, Henrik Zetterberg, Nik Lidstrom, etc., the Hawks easily beat them both times by scores of 4-2 and 3-0. Despite something smelly funny (not Sam), we happily accepted the two victories and looked forward to a playoff matchup. Perhaps the Hawks had finally figured out how to beat the Wings.
Then, the playoffs started and we were very appropriately reminded that the really good teams know when the regular season is coming to a close and the results are wholly and largely meaningless.
Tuesday in Colorado was sort of the same thing but with Colorado playing the role of the Hawks circa 2005-2006 but with much more talent and all of the stupidity. The Hawks are quite obviously in cruise control mode as the final days of the calendar tick off the schedule and their seeding clinched.
All you needed to see to know that was Andrew Desjardins played a whooping 17 minutes. Granted, his line of Vince Strohs and Tomas Jurco were the only positive possession of the the Hawk forwards. However if this were November, Joel Quenneville would’ve pushed the envelope with his top guns for two points instead of rewarding the grunts as he did here.
Nevertheless, it’s still slightly unsettling to blow a 3 goal lead to a historically bad team. That should come with an asterisk; because while there is clearly something broken with the Avalanche, there is still a ton of top 10 talent on this roster in Matt Duchene, Gabriel Landeskog and Nathan McKinnon.
Much like the wise McClure says about the Hawks – when the names that matter show up on the score sheet for the Hawks multiple times, they generally win – the same is triply true for the Avalanche as their roster is even more top heavy.
Other thoughts…
–Another thing that should’ve clued you into the Hawks state of caring was Gabriel Landeskog’s short-handed goal. Throughout the season, Brian Campbell has been very aware of opposing penalty killers and when they’re cheating on the drop pass. In fact, I distinctly recall pointing it out on several recaps.
Instead of making the drop pass, Campbell will recognize the giant skating lane and establish possession on the opposing blue. On Tuesday night, Campbell decided to make a drop pass even though Landeskog was pretty obviously hanging around the Hawks blue line waiting for it.
Not that Campbell was the only to blame on the play, the Good Time Boys were still in decent enough of position to defend as it was 1-on-2. They both waved to Landeskog as he deposited the puck behind Darling to cut the Hawks lead to one.
–Michal Rozsival, despite not playing in a NHL game in nearly 2 months, completed a 120 foot pass to Marcus Kruger to spring him on a breakaway and the Hawks third goal. Colorado Avalanche, retire bitch.
–This was another good example of Sam’s hypothesis that as goes Duncan Keith, so goes the Hawks. Even if the Hawks were too busy enjoying the sights and smells of Colorado, allowing 51 shots on goal is an impressive feat of not caring. Then again, they iced a defensive unit featuring two guys (Rozsival and Kempny) that haven’t played since 2016 (exaggerated for effect).
With no Keith, Brian Campbell and Johnny Oduya got to play much more against top competition. That wasn’t very fun to watch.
–The Slog of the Regular Season only has 2 more stops and the league has saved the worst for last for your Chicago Blackhawks. Thursday in Anaheim will no doubt be annoying as the Ducks are still fighting for the division (maybe) and Saturday in Los Angeles will just be hysterical as the Kings look to lock Darryl Sutter out of the locker room for the last and final time.
vs. 
RECORDS: Hawks 50-22-7 Avalanche 1-786-2
PUCK DROP: 8pm Central
TV: CSN
DON’T CRY FOR THEM FOR THEY ARE ALREADY DEAD: Mile High Hockey
PROJECTED LINEUPS
ADJUSTED TEAM CORSI %: Hawks – 50.8 (13th) Avs – 46.2 (29th)
ADJUSTED TEAM xGF%: Hawks – 49.5 (18th) Avs – 46.0 (29th)
POWER PLAY %: Hawks – 18.3 (18th) Avs – 12.7 (Dead Ass Last)
PENALTY KILL %: Hawks – 77.7 (25th) Avs – 76.5 (29th)
I’m not sure that since we started doing this there’s a more meaningless game than this one tonight. It’s been rare that the Hawks have everything so cinched up so early. There was 2013 where they really didn’t give a fuck about much in the last week and sent the Icehogs to play the Blues because thanks to the lockout their season was already over. 2010 saw them scrapping for the #1 seed overall until the last day of the season. The past two seasons have seen them pretty well entrenched in third but there was the hope that they could get higher. This is merely running out the clock.
And across the ice they’ll see one of the worst teams in the modern era, who have been waiting to bust out the golf clubs since about January. And not to actually play golf, but to repeatedly bash into their own skulls to see if they can still feel anything anymore.
