Everything Else

You Share The Same Fate As The People You Hate – ’18-’19 Team Previews: Buffalo Sabres

By Matt McClure 1548 0

Next stop on the Preview Tour in the Flortheast Division are the Buffalo Sabres, who after years of tanking both intentionally and unintentionally, finally landed the top overall pick in a year where it was almost impossible for them to screw it up. The Sabres were dead last in the league in almost any conceivable category last year, so in theory there’s nowhere for them to go but up, but this is still the city of Buffalo being discussed here, no there can’t be much that’s ruled out.

 

’17-’18 Team Marks: 25W-45L-12OT 62 PTS 199 GF 280 GA 19.1% PP 77.9% PK 47.61% CF 6.14% SH% .916 SV%

Goalies: Every year there’s a career backup that finally earns starter’s money from a desperate dipshit franchise desperate to find any kind of answer in net, and this year’s magic couple are the Buffalo Sabres and former Hawk great Carter Hutton. Hutton was admittedly stellar last year for St. Louis even playing way more than he had to while Jay Gallon continually shat himself, posting a .931 save percentage overall and .937 at evens in 26 starts and 32 total appearances. Both marks are 15 points above his usual rates, and Hutton will be 33 in December. Given how far away the Sabres are from meaningful spring hockey, this is clearly a team paying Hutton to be a placeholder, and a career journeyman finally getting a legit payday even at a decidedly modest $2.75 million a year for this season and two more. Everyone seems to get what they need out of this transaction even if none of it is all that inspiring for anyone from an actual standpoint of winning hockey games. Linus Ullmark at 25 and with 26 NHL games to his resume gets his shot at backing up Hutton, and if last year proves to be a major outlier for Hutton, Ullmark may get more of a look than that, but at least he has some shot of mattering the next time the Sabres do, which will be 10 minutes after never at this rate.

Defense: This is where top overall draft pick Rasmus Dahlin will be featured from day 1, and by all accounts from any scouting expert, Dahlin is close to a sure fire #1 defenseman as there’s been in the draft in a generation, with a rare combination of size, speed, skill, and hockey smarts. And he’ll need it, because the Sabres other Rasmus on the blue line, Ristolainen, has been kind of a giant turd. While Risto has put up solid scoring numbers from the blue line with two straight 40+ point seasons on dog ass teams, 48 of his 86 points in that time have come on the power play, and only last year was he even close to hovering around an already putrid team possession rate. And at 346 professional games, he’s long past the 200 game “getting it” threshold arbitrarily attributed to developing defensemen. In an ideal world however, the younger of the Rasmii now assumes the mantle of a true #1 that can legitimately handle top assignments and tougher zone starts, while Risto is given a more sheltered role. But there’s kind of no clearer indicator of a team in disarray than hoping a rookie will help a 5th year pro making $5.4 mildo a year by slotting him down. Zach Bogosian, Marco Scandella, and Beaulieu are all here, but they’re all of next to no long term consequence. Beaulieu at 25 maybe, but even that’s pushing it, as he would have shown even a flash of something by now if he were going to.

Forwards: Whether anyone has been paying attention or not, and they haven’t, over the last two years, Jack Eichel has put up 121 points in 128 games, a .945 point per game clip. However there are two problems with this scenario, the first being that hockey seasons are 82 games long and 128 games is a lot less than 164 for two years. The second is that the guy picked ahead of Eichel, whom the Sabres nakedly prostrated themselves for in a tank effor has put up well over 200 points in that time frame. It’s not fair to Eichel to be compared to Connor McDavid, but he’s always going to be. And now he doesn’t have any protection on the center depth chart with Ryan O’Reilly getting traded to St. Louis for a big bag of bullshit coming back in the form of Patrik Berglund. But for as one sided as that trade was against the Sabres, getting Jeff Skinner for a prospect no one had ever heard of was as equal a theft. He and Eichel should form a fun top line together with whatever’s left of Kyle Okposo, but past that, hoping for the likes of Conor Sheary and Zemgus Gerginsons to make meaningful contributions is just flat out depressing. Sam Reinhart showed some growth last year increasing his goal output from 17 to 25, so naturally he remains one of the few RFA holdouts left league wide. Casey Middlestadt should get more time this year, but he’s not going to offer any protection to Eichel.

Outlook: It’s going to once again be an excruciatingly long winter for Sabres fans and players, and it’s pretty well documented how Phil Housely likes to entertain himself on go-nowhere teams. The only veteran pieces of any value that can be moved (assuming that the team still wants to build around Eichel) with expiring paper are Skinner and Jason Pominville, who already earned a spot on the All “Who Gives A Shit” Team last week. And within the context of this division, there’s not going to be any quick turnaround in sight considering how good the top of the division is and just how truly bad the Senators are trying to be.

Everything Else

Their Emblems Built of Garbage – ’18-19 Blackhawks Player Previews – Cam Ward

By Adam Hess 2488 0

After a season marred in large part by bad goalie play after Corey Crawford went down to injury, the Blackhawks decided to attempt to address their bad backup goalie problem by signing…. a bad backup goalie. Cam Ward probably wasn’t the worst option available on the market, but he wasn’t exactly far from it.

2017-18 Stats

43 GP (42 starts) – 23 W, 14 L, 4 OTL

.906 SV%, 2.27 GAA, 2 shutouts

.914 EV, .846 PP, .858 SH

28 SA per game

A Brief History: Cam Ward has had one of the cushiest gigs in professional sports over the past decade, as he has been living out the true American Dream of making a lot of money to be not that good at his job. He’s done that by living off the glory of a Stanley Cup win in 2006 as a rookie, despite the fact that he was pretty much dogshit during that regular season, posting a .882 SV% in 28 games that year.

It’s really a wonder Ward has even made it this long into an NHL career, now a veteran of 13 seasons, because in his first two years he couldn’t even crack a .900 SV% and even when he did get there in year 3, it was by the thinnest of margins with a .904 mark. Something seemed to click for him between the 2008-09 and 2011-12 seasons, as he went .916, .916, .923, and .915 over that stretch, finally lending some credence to his place as an NHL goalie. Since then, it’s been less rosy.

Since the start of the 2012-13 season, Ward has yet to get post a save rate north of .910, and only got to that number once. The last two years he’s gone back to barely scraping hockey’s Mendoza Line, with .905 in ’16-’17 and the above mentioned .906 mark last year. He’s also posted negative or worse Goals Saved Above Average marks every year in that same stretch, even getting as low as -13.93 in ’16-’17. Less than ideal.

In an attempt to be fair to Ward, it’s probably not all his fault, as Bill Peters system is well known for hanging the goalies out to dry in the attempt to control possession. Still, GSAA at the very least makes an effort to adjust for outside factors, so the information that is out there about Ward is still not encouraging.

It Was The Best of Times: The ideal scenario for both Ward and the Blackhawks is that Ward doesn’t have to come off the bench more 30-35 times, ideally against bad teams. Maybe in limited outings Ward will be able to find some of the game that he showed earlier this decade rather than what he’s been showing recently. Quennville’s more risk averse system should at the very least take bit of the pressure off Ward’s shoulders that he’s been felt in Carolina, while perhaps giving him a bit more confidence. Even so, in a backup goalie you could do a lot worse than a guy hovering around .910, so if Ward gets in that range it could keep the Hawks in games even when Crawford isn’t there to bail them out.

It Was The Worst of Times: Believe it are not, there are pretty much two worst case scenarios here. On the other end of spectrum of possibilities to what’s above is that it turns out Ward can’t stop a puck unless he’s getting frequent playing time, and resorts back to the player he was early in his career and not even stop 90% of what’s thrown at him. If Ward turns into Swiss Cheese in net whenever he’s in there and can’t even give the Hawks a fighting chance in the games he backstops, the classic Stan Bowman NMC is going to really bite this team in the ass unless they can find a way to make up an injury and try Forsberg again.

The other worst case scenario is that Corey Crawford is no longer good or his brain is mush after all, and Ward turns into your starter. Sorry, but this Blackhawks roster with a .905 goalie behind them is probably gonna have top-3 odds at Jack Hughes next spring.

Prediction: I am awful at predictions, but I will use Pullega’s Crow prediction as a baseline for mine. If Crawford does come in and only miss 10 or so games before coming back and being his old self, Ward will do just enough to help the Hawks survive Crow’s brief absence without falling apart, then turn into a dependable-but-not-impressive backup goalie, which really is how all backup goalies probably should be.

Previous Player Previews

Corey Crawford

Everything Else

You Share The Same Fate As The People You Hate – ’18-’19 Team Previews: Boston Bruins

By Sam Fels 2133 0

There are two schools of thought on the Black And Gold of Causeway St. One is that they geniusly (maybe a word?) negotiated the losses of Tyler Seguin, Dougie Hamilton, and Blake Wheeler years ago to construct a young, dynamic team and that maybe GM Don Sweeney isn’t the grinning dope we always made him out to be. The other is that they are one line led by perhaps the best two-way center in the game and got extremely lucky when some players played way above their heads and Tukkaa Rask re-emerged from his years-long trip to the Zoo Of Confusion. The truth is somewhere in between, but the Leafs got better (though not nearly as much as people think), the Lightning are still superior and are probably going to have Erik Karlsson in tow at some point, and the Panthers might actually be good. So the Bruins might be in deeper than they think this upcoming season.

’17-’18: 50-20-12  112 points  270 GF  214 GA   23.5 PP%  83.7 PK%  53.7 CF%  7.8 SH%  .923 SV%

Goalies: Tuke Nuke ‘Em will still be the main guy. Somehow, he’s only 31, even though it seems like he’s been around forever. This will be his seventh season as the Bruins’ starter, after backing up Tim “I’m The Less Charming
Steve Carlton” Thomas for two seasons.

Rask had something of a bounce-back season last year, which was a big reason for the Bruins going from missing the playoffs for two seasons and being a first-round knockout the third to a…well, second-round knockout. He’d been league-average or so the previous two seasons, and overall wasn’t too much better last year at .917 SV%. However, his even-strength save-percentage rose as did his shorthanded mark, and he was somewhat undone by a raft of short-handed goals against.

Rask’s numbers also skew because he was great in the first half and only so-so in the second, highlighted by a .955 in the month of December. No other month did he surpass .920 after that, and at this point somewhere around .918 is what you can expect of him.

Further complicating things for Rask is that he’s now kind of just a guy who makes the saves he should make but not many he shouldn’t. His high-danger SV% last year was only middling among starters, and because of the defense in front of him being vastly overrated he’s going to see a fair number of really good chances. He’s not going to kill you but he’s not going to carry you either at this point in his career.

Backing him up will be Jaro Halak, now that the Islanders are done trying to cram him down everyone’s throat and screaming, “It’s ice cream!” Halak is always ok when he’s in one piece, which is just this side of never. He’s perfect for a backup at this moment in his career, though might be asked to do a touch more than anyone would be comfortable with for this team. The limited appearances should help with his health, though. He won’t sink them.

Defense: There’s this narrative that the Bruins have a great top-pairing and are solid enough beneath it. I don’t buy it for half of a second. Every time I looked up in the playoffs or any game where the Bruins were playing a halfway decent team, Charlie McAvoy was in the trail-technique made famous by Lemuel Stinson. You can drive a truck through the spaces he leaves behind him and his open-gaped mush. Zdeno Chara is better than anyone who is 143 years old has any right to be, but that doesn’t make him dominant. The Lightning sure didn’t think so. I know what the numbers say, but this was the pairing deployed behind Patrice Bergeron the most. When not behind #37, their numbers are decidedly ordinary. I’m guessing McAvoy gets exposed this season and the Metamucil spokesman as his partner can’t keep up.

As for the rest, we’ve known for years that Torey Krug is great when parked in front of the other team’s blue line, and a high school musical when anywhere else. Brandon Carlo is fine, just as someone named “Brandon Carlo” would be. John Moore is so beloved after his time in New Jersey that Devils fans were trying to throw Jimmy Hoffa at him. There’s a couple kids who could fill out the third-pairing here, but this is not a special unit. Especially when they’ll be seeing the advanced attacks of the Bolts, Leafs, and yes Panthers for nearly a fifth of the season.

Forwards: It begins and ends with Patrice Bergeron’s line. Still probably the best in hockey, whatever you think of Brad “The Last Hapsburg” Marchand. Whether David Pastrnak skates with them or not they simply dominate. Because of this alone the Bruins are at least not-incompetent. However, after that it gets dicey.

David Krejci is 32, and has seen his scoring decline the past three seasons. He’ll also be saddled with Jake DeBrusk and David Backes as his wingers if nothing changes, though Pastrnak could end up here to spread things out a bit. DeBrusk might be a thing, and he might not. He put up 43 points in his rookie year, and the Bruins are going to need at least that from him again on the top six. Still, his lower-level numbers don’t suggest he’s supposed to be a lethal scorer.

It’s the centers after that that make you tug your collar and go, “Yeeeeesh.” Chris Wagner and Sean Kuraly. They’ll miss Riley Nash, which is a sentence. Danton Heinen turned some heads last year with 47 points, but much like DeBrusk he hadn’t shown to be a high-level scorer in lower levels. If they both level out again this year, the B’s are short on scoring. Ryan Donato is here and he does have college scoring pedigree, and with the way everyone sprayed their shorts on his arrival last season he’d better be the second coming otherwise this is just more Boston bullshit (which the Revolution should change their name to tout suite).

Outlook: Despite all the unnecessary noise about them, this is still a good team. I just don’t think it’s as good as the Leafs or Lightning, meaning the Bruins would have to go through both to go anywhere in the playoffs. And that didn’t go so well for them last year when they were deeper and luckier. If the Panthers get spiky they could even relegate them to a wild card, though that might even be preferable to go to the other division. They’re short on scoring past the top line, especially when Backes becomes nothing more than a Yellow Submarine, Blue-Meanie sympathizer this season. There’s a lot riding on kids, which can always go either way. Third place seems like the height of expectation here.

Everything Else

Their Emblems Built Of Garbage – ’18–’19 Blackhawks Player Previews – Corey Crawford

By John Pullega 2852 0

Today is the first day in our monthlong look at what the ‘18–’19 Men of Four Feathers have to offer. We’ll give you a review of each player, a best-case scenario, a worst-case scenario, and a prediction. The style’s new but the face is the same. Let’s kick this pig into life, after the first missed playoffs in a decade. We hope you enjoy.

In times of doubt and sorrow, there are always coping mechanisms. Wild Turkey 101. Watching The Crow on a loop. Asking strangers to put on a clown mask and open-hand slap you until you feel something, anything. And with the organ-I-zation’s handling of Corey Crawford’s status since last year, we might have a chance to experience all three at once this year.

2017–18 Stats

28 GP – 16 W, 9 L, 2 OTL

.929 SV%, 2.27 GAA

.935 EV, .931 PP, .902 SH

30 SA/Game

A Brief History: Last year, we had a chance to test McClure’s theory that the Hawks will live or die by Corey Crawford. And boy, did we find out. Prior to Evgeni Malkin catapulting himself into Corey like the bag of over-ripe compost and chewed-off thumbnails he is, and Crawford’s subsequent December dizzies in New Jersey, Crow was on his way to having the best year of his career.

– His even-strength SV% of .935 and short-handed SV% of .902 at the time of his demise eclipsed his final stats from his Jennings-winning year in 2013 (.934, .895), in about the same number of games (28 vs. 30) and with a less talented team in front of him.

– His overall SV% of .929 was the best of his career to that point.

– His GAA of 2.27 was tied for third-best of his career—behind only a 2.26 in 2013–14 and a comical 1.94 in 2013.

He managed these numbers despite facing 30 shots per game, as Joel Quenneville regaled us with his yearlong “I can touch my asshole with my elbow” strategy of pairing piss and poutine on his blue line in front of Crow. It may be folly to assume he could have maintained all of those numbers, but it’s clear that Corey was putting together a Vezina-contending year before he got shelved.

Before his unexplained 30-week absence, the Hawks sat at a disappointing but still-in-contention 39 points through 35 games. In those 35 games, they only lost more than three in a row once, losing five in a row at the end of November/beginning of December, four of which Forsberg started. They proceeded to post 37 points over the next 47 games—including losing streaks of four games, five games, and eight games—without Crow in net.

While there are several reasons why this happened, none loom as large as losing Crawford.

It Was the Best of Times: Going forward, best-case scenario, Crawford rises from the grave and doesn’t miss a beat. He plays his usual 55-game, 3,300-minute year at a .920+ clip, bailing out the defensively declined likes of Erik Gustafsson and Brent Seabrook, giving Jokiharju a chance to take risks, and preventing teamwide deflations from the kinds of backbreaking goals Forsberg and Berube were so primed to allow. This lets Cam Ward channel his 2005 essence in relief, and we all go back to gushing about how the Hawks know how to pick backup goalies. Assuming that guys like Saad and Toews rebound; Sikura, DeBrincat, and Schmaltz continue to grow into Top Sixers (I’m banking on both happening); and Quenneville puts down his fucking copy of House of Leaves before he pairs his defensemen, having Crawford back makes this a playoff team.

And since we’re doing best-case scenarios, let’s go even farther. Crawford finishes as a Vezina finalist behind Jonathan Quick or some other such horseshit because the NHL drinks from the piss troughs at Wrigley before they give out awards. Pat Foley finds time in between chugging Night Train and giggling at his own jokes to heap praise on Crawford like an incel at a sex doll brothel. Eddie O. openly admits that Crawford is the best goaltender the Hawks have had since Tony O. The Hawks team up with Taco Bell to give away free cheesy gordida crunches for every Crawford shutout, and we all get 10 free cheesy gordida crunches.

It Was the BLURST of Times: Crawford disappears from hockey completely. Like a scorned lover, StanBo and Q answer all “Do you have a timeline on Crawford?” questions with a dead-eyed “Cam Ward is our goaltender.” The narrative turns to “He told us he’d be ready, but now he refuses to skate for us.” Cam Ward tosses a .870 SV% on the year, and the Hawks finish dead last in the league. Edmonton wins the draft lottery, and the Hawks name Bobby Hull as the GM. The Hawks trade Crawford and DeBrincat for Patrick Marleau and Jake Gardiner, and sign Roman Polak to a 1-year deal. Everyone eats Arby’s as we wait for the Yellowstone Caldera to explode and finally end the fucking madness.

Prediction: Because I take Crawford’s word over StanBo’s or Q’s expectations, I suspect we will start the year without Crawford between the pipes. Crawford misses the first 10 games, but comes back and posts a tidy career average .919 SV% and 2.37 GAA on the year. He drags the Hawks into the last playoff spot by himself and still has his GRIT N’ HEART questioned by people who unironically wish Scott Foster were the starting goaltender. His brilliance goes underappreciated all year, but it doesn’t matter because the Hawks squeak back into the playoffs.

It can’t rain all the time.

Everything Else

The All-Ugly Team

By Sam Fels 9889 0

In my time doing The C.I. program, I had to sift through every player’s PR photo. And pretty much every hockey player looks the same. A bad haircut, iffy skin, and vacant eyes. Oh sure, there’s a Patrick Sharp or Vinny Lecavalier or Henrik Lundqvist every so often. Mostly though, you just see hundreds of guys you’d just want to get out of your way in some Canadian bar without another thought.

But every so often, I’d hit a photo and just say, “Whoa, that is an unfortunate looking man right there.” Or straight up Scarsipious, “WHOA GOD, THAT GUY’S UGLY!” And for any of you who get that reference, seek help immediately. And as we ramp up here a bit leading into actual season previews, I thought I’d continue yesterday’s work and present the All-Ugly Team.

So strap in tight, and prepare to feel a little better about yourself. Except, of course, these guys are world-class athletes and millionaires and all that goes with it. But we don’t have to think about that.

Goalie: Devan Dubnyk

The only person to double-up on both teams so far, we present Devan Dubnyk, who is a perfect fit for Minnesota as he’s the type to tell the bartender he’s “looking for some action, if y’know what I mean” in some bar in the woods. Being extremely tall and gangly probably isn’t going to help the cause much either, giving him a demonic wavy-arm ballon guy vibe. And this smile is something you’d see on a toddler when he won’t tell you where exactly he took a shit.

Defense: Roman Polak

It’s not easy to toe the line between “circus bear” and “mug shot of a sex offender” but Roman Polak is able to turn the trick. And that’s the only line he can toe, believe me. Perhaps the only player to appear on this team whose game is actually uglier than he is, which is really saying something. You have to hand it to Polak, though, because this is central casting when looking for a palooka of a defensemen whose play is an interpretation of a sausage belch. You could scour the Earth and not do better than this.

Defense: Charlie McAvoy

Honestly, the Bruins could have made up this whole team, as you’ll soon see. Fifth Feather has made a regular habit, both on the podcast or just in life, of making sure to call McAvoy either a “moon-faced mouth-breathing loser” or “pie-faced, mouth-breathing loser.” Whichever way he goes, his claim of “you can hear him breathing through the TV” is apt. No wonder Bruins fans worship this guy, as their whole city is filled with morons who look like they tried to head-butt a manhole cover.

Right Wing: Patrik Laine

I can’t find the original person to write it, but someone said Laine with the beard looks like he should be making me answer three questions to cross a bridge. At this point he’s probably in on the joke, and in some ways being Finnish is a form of cheating for this because Finland has had a remarkable skill of producing the most curious looking hockey players in recent history. Two words: “Olli” and “Jokinen.” Almost every Finnish player, and really most Finnish people from my experience, have this glaze over their mush that makes it seem like the entire country has just seen too much. Considering all the darkness there, maybe they have. And if they’re consistently surrounded by people who look like Laine and Jokinen, they definitely have.

Left Wing: Brad Marchand

Andrew Cieslak, in an issue of the C.I. in 2015, said of Marchand, “He looks like the lovechild of the last Hapsburg and DJ Qualls.” I don’t think I can say it any better. Marchand was definitely the kid in your school who would run up to anyone from behind and slide his hand up their ass crack yelling, “Credit Card!” In kindergarten he definitely ate worms. He eats worms now, likely. Perhaps the reason he plays like such an asshole is he’s lashing out at the world for making him look like this. All that licking is just a desperation to be loved, because it’s never going to happen for real for a guy who looks like a rat got face-fucked by a tire iron.

Center and Captain: Evgeni Malkin

If an unsolvable algebra equation could be a face, then it would be Evgeni’s Malkin’s. Nothing on this lines up. His mouth looks like it’s trying to escape. His eyes are clearly made of two different materials. Seriously, the Russian national team with Malkin, Datsyuk, and Ovechkin on it was just “Monsters Inc.: In The Gulag Now.” When he screams after scoring I’m sure at least two teammates of fainted or run away in terror and forsaken the lord. Sloth watches Penguins games to feel a kinship. Sometimes Geno’s game forces you to not look away…as long as it’s his number showing.

Everything Else

The All “Yeah But Who Gives A Sh*t” Team

By Sam Fels 2470 0

This is a category we invented ourselves. It doesn’t necessarily mean these players suck. It just means that their production never means anything. These are those players when you check the stats, and you see one of them had 33 goals or 71 points and you say, “Did I know that?” And chances are you didn’t because it didn’t mean shit for their team’s success, it took place in the dark, or both. They were empty calorie points. Basically, this is the Brad Boyes Memorial team, as Boyes was the master of getting you 27 goals whether you needed them or not, and it was always not.

So what follows is the All-Stars of putting up stats that rarely if ever matter.

Goalie – Devan Dubnyk

This is always the hardest one to pick, because generally if the goalie is good then the team is good so it’s complicated to find a goalie who puts up the numbers and then the season ends and you forget he or the team ever existed. Thankfully, the Minnesota Wild exist and are always good for forgetting they do. Honestly if their fans didn’t yell so loud about everything they probably would just snap into nothing and the league wouldn’t notice and everyone would just get an open date and then about March the NHL offices would be like, “Oh shit, should we have done something about that? Oh who cares?”

The past four seasons in Minnesota, Dubnyk doesn’t have a SV% under .918. His even-strength SV% has never been below .926. Considering the mish-mash of flotsam in front of him with the Wild, without him they probably miss the playoffs every year and maybe, just maybe, people would stop considering Bruch Boudreau some kind of round, Haagen-Dazs pinata of a genius.

And yet who gives a shit? The Wild have won exactly one playoff series in that time (which came against the Blues so does it really count?), and all that got them was getting thwacked by the Hawks in a sweep in the next round. Since then they’ve won four playoff games. They’ve only finished above third in the division once. Dubnyk is stopping all those pucks to keep a team middling and watch Jason Zucker score a bunch of goals while everyone still waits for Mikael Granlund to become Finnish Truth in hockey’s version of a Beckett masterpiece.

Defense – Oliver Ekman-Larsson

We love OEL. There probably isn’t a more gorgeous skater in the league. We’ve designed hundreds of trades over the years to get him here. He’s still somehow only 27. And yet…the Coyotes always suck. Like, really suck. The “plan,” whatever it is, never seems to work. And before you argue about the roster around him, which is a valid point but not total, look at the dreck Erik Karlsson somehow makes relevant most every year. No, OEL is not Karlsson, but if he were as good as sometimes boasted wouldn’t we know the Coyotes actually exist more than four days a year?

Ekman-Larsson has put up more than 40 points for five straight years. The Yotes haven’t come within a $50 Lyft of a playoff spot in those five years. They’re almost certainly not going to sniff one this year, even with Galchenyuk getting to play center and another year for Clayton Keller. Look around at the d-men that OEL is considered in the class of, and ask how many have teams that are completely irrelevant?

Defense – Alex Pietrangelo

Over the past five seasons, OrangeJello is 10th in scoring among d-men. He’s put up more points than Duncan Keith, Mark Giordano, and Kris Letang. And yet we can’t tell you why anyone should care. Pietrangelo has somehow conned his way onto two Canadian national teams, even though we couldn’t tell you what it is he does at a world-class level. He’s been the #1 d-man on the Blues for years now, and they have never done anything anyone would notice except for one conference final appearance. He’s big, and he’s like, somewhat mobile, but also not all that quick. He’s basically the most boring #1 d-man in the league, and is a bigger reason why the Blues are continually submarined by having mud in their tires than any Blues fan will ever admit outside of having jumper cables attached to their genitals.

Honorable Mention: Keith Yandle, John Klingberg

Left Wing – Thomas Vanek

You know a player isn’t worth a damn if the Wings have signed him in the past four seasons. Every fucking year Vanek would be in some outpost that had only just discovered indoor plumbing, halfway through the season he’ll have potted like 15 goals when his team is down 5-2, and then at least four GMs are like, “WE GOTTA HAVE THIS GUY IN FRONT OF THE NET IN THE PLAYOFFS!!!” Then he gets traded and said GM who wins this derby of doofuses and shit-for-brains is shocked when Vanek spends all of his shifts looking like he’s trying to keep from soiling himself or is just hoping no one discovers he just did. His best playoff output was six goals in 16 games in 2007. That’s 11 years ago. He apparently was on that Wild team that went to the second round in ’15, or as Wild fans call it, “Valhalla.” He didn’t score a goal. Thankfully, I think we’re finally done with this act.

Honorable Mention: Jamie Benn, David Perron

Center – Eric Staal

In his second year, Staal put up 100 points and led the Canes to a Cup, which seems like one of those things where God went out for smokes and didn’t realize that switch had been flipped. In 2009 the Canes made the conference Final. Since then, Staal hasn’t been on a team that has won a playoff round. He has 141 points over the last two years, which has gotten the Wild 11 playoff games. The fact that he’s the #1 center on the Wild is more an indictment of the Wild than him, but he has piled up points in locales that pretty much everyone is looking for a way out of as soon as they get there.

Honorable Mention: Vincen Trocheck

Right Wing – Jason Pominville

This is more of a lifetime achievement award. Pominville has 277 goals in his career, and I can’t say I remember any of them. The last time he was on a team that mattered was 2007. He’s scored over 20 goals, or at that pace, 10 times in his career, and yet it feels like it’s just completing the scoresheet more than making any impact. If Rick Jeanneret didn’t have so much fun yelling his name, you probably wouldn’t know who he is. But don’t worry, he’ll still end up in the Hall of Fame somehow.

Honorable Mention: Jakub Voracek

Jersey Hanging In The Rafters – Rick Nash

Do you remember this past trade deadline, when Rick Nash was considered one of the biggest prizes on the market? The same Rick Nash who has defined “passenger” his entire career. The same Rick Nash that Rangers fans wanted to cover in BBQ sauce and throw into a wolverine pit? Needless to say, it wasn’t a huge shock when the Bruins were pulverized in the second round by the Lightning and Nash spent most of the series with the same expression on his face that was a perfect representation of skunky beer that he’s always had.

Rick Nash should have been unplayable every night. And a lot of nights, the ones in January and February where everyone has basically checked out, he was. When he would back in over the blue line, there was nothing anyone d-man could do. He has three 40-goal seasons. But you see the size, speed, and skill, and you know he should have been potting 50 and even 60 here or there. He should have been terrorizing teams. But no one ever had to plan for Nash when it mattered. The only time he looked like that was the ’10 Olympics when he could be a third-line player and Toews would have broken 10 sticks over his head if any of his linemates didn’t play like their ass-hair on fire. Rick Nash should have been Marian Hossa with better hands.

Instead he’ll just go down as the greatest Blue Jacket ever. That and $2.50 gets you on the bus.

Everything Else

Friday Foofaraw – A SummerSlam Thinkpiece: The Ballad Of Seth And Roman

By Sam Fels 2092 0

As most you know, on Fridays during the summer I basically go freeform to keep myself, and hopefully at least some of you, entertained. As you surely know now, I’m a wrestling dork and have taken a few with me. I will be in Brooklyn this weekend for both the NXT and WWE shows, and figured it was time to try my had at writing about it for the first time. Most of you won’t care, and that’s cool. But those who do I hope you like it. 

At the top, I think it’s important to cite Joe Soriano’s wonderful “Roman Reigns Isn’t Relatable Because He’s Never Emotionally Vulnerable” piece from DailyDDT.com as inspiration for this. But it got me to thinking about how someone from the same starting point as Roman, one Seth Rollins from The Shield, could accomplish so much more in the hearts and minds of fans than Roman has. And when you have the emotional shortcomings and successes so beautifully illustrated, it becomes so much clearer.

As stated, Roman and Seth started from the same place on the main roster, as two-thirds of the all-conquering with a win-an-election-anywhere-including-Antartica popularity, The Shield. And in The Shield, Roman’s limited, swaggering ass-kicker of the gods act works because it’s only telling a part of the story, and Seth and Dean Ambrose could fill in the rest. Roman barely had to talk (clearly when he’s best), only had to wrestle half the time he does now (if that) and was only responsible for a portion of the story. Namely when he’d get a hot tag and end everyone’s world.

Seth’s separation/heel-turn from The Shield already begins to tell a more layered story than they’ve ever had Roman tell. There is a vulnerability of course in every heel, something they have to shroud in being a chicken-shit cheater or menacing ass-beater coloring outside the lines or one soaking up every advantage provided by the powers that be. They have to take it to excess to hide a weakness. Seth’s desire to be at the top of the card and his feeling he couldn’t get there with his friends lead him to the ultimate betrayal and aligning with the powers that could get him where he thought he couldn’t get on his own. It was a selling out of his values, which is a shortcoming/vulnerability in itself. Underlying the act is a show of weakness, if only of character or morals.

Seth of course did get to the top of the card, always playing the heel and even sounding at times like he was convincing himself. That all came crashing down mere months after becoming so, with a devastating knee injury forcing him to give up the title he had basically sacrificed all that he had previously believed in before. Related, at that moment Roman was offered the same choice by one HHH you’ll recall, at the head of a tournament to provide a new champ. Roman declined it, giving us more of the tired “I’ve never taken a shortcut” story that fans were already turning from. As Soriano said, it’s just more of the uber-confident robot who never has to question himself. It’s an action-figure.

Seth would return to take that title from Roman in the summer, though he would immediately lose it to a cashing-in Ambrose. Seth’s uncertainty of what he could be after his injury, which was accented when HHH showed the same uncertainty over what Seth could be due to it. Which is why HHH handed the universal title to Kevin Owens, and sent Seth on a course to prove to himself and his boss that he could still do what he used to and be what he was, even as he had to negotiate another injury before their match at Wrestlemania 33. Seth actually had to overcome demons and doubts, whereas Roman has never even paid lip-service to it. Even defeats on the biggest stage seem to only steel his resolve, and that thing was adamantium before.

Since then, Seth began on the trail of turning back into a face, and doing so by having to convince his former “brothers” that he was sorry and wrong for turning on them. There was supposed to be a full-out reunion, though that got derailed by Roman getting the Mumps (and really, Roman catching the Mumps and being replaced by Kurt Angle is straight up Mets-ian). From then on Seth launched his IC chase and reign, and saw it end when he believed too much in himself with an open challenge and lost to Dolph Ziggler. All of it has basically landed Seth as the most over wrestler on the roster, and his matches are about the only thing keeping you from setting yourself on fire merely to feel again on Raw.

We’ve watched Seth swing wildly from tunnel-visioned sociopath, to a broken athlete, to one righting the wrongs of his past, to reveling in the newfound confidence. But you only get there through a journey, one that sees you question yourself and make mistakes and have to make amends for them. It’s a confidence and swagger built on the rubble of what didn’t work and the lessons learned.

Granted, on the ground, Seth has advantages over Roman. The big one is he’s simply a better in-ring worker and more varied. That’s not to say Roman is a bad worker, and far from it, he’s just not the greatly dynamic Rollins (and few are). He needs help from an opponent, and not the broken-controller work of Wreck-It Ralph that Brock Lesnar provides these days.

However, It’s not that Roman has always been a blank slate. There were two times when they had him over, and then went back on it to preserve the script that only exists between Vince McMahon’s ears. The first was after that tournament post-Rollins injury, which Roman won and then saw Sheamus instantly cash-in on him. Roman then simply boiled over, not only destroying Sheamus but also HHH. I suppose it’s arguable that the vulnerability in not being able to control yourself and letting circumstances finally get to you helped him connect. The next night, Roman won the title back while beating up Vince, and you may think I’m crazy but the Philadelphia crowd, PHILADELPHIA, cheered him. Becoming unhinged at your bosses is something we can all agree on, I guess. At least he was leaving the “always the right way, no shortcuts” character back to get what was taken.

Of course, Vince borked this by trying to turn him into Daniel Bryan again AFTER he won the title and making him defend it in odd circumstances and eventually against every Royal Rumble opponent.

The second time they had Roman over was after he retired the Undertaker and the only time they almost leaned into him being a heel. His best ever promo is still the five-word one the night after that Mania after wading through a full 10 minutes of the most vitriolic booing and chants anyone short of a despot would get. “This is my yard now.” Roman even wrestled more heel in the aftermath, and some of that work was the best in his career.

Because it was bravado we could believe. It wasn’t just based on scripts and meetings we couldn’t see backstage and matches he was given. He ended the career of perhaps the best ever (a greatly diminished best ever, but that doesn’t lower his stature). It was built on something. But WWE spurned that momentum too.

It’s amazing how you can start in the same place as someone and yet end up so different.

Everything Else

August Mishegas: Schmaltz, Saad, Whatever Else We Dug Out Of Our Ear

By Sam Fels 2687 0

Heading on vacation for the week, so let’s clear some stuff out before it’s all day drinking and yelling at college friends.

-Late to the train on this, but you can excuse me if I totally forgot the Detroit Red Wings existed. Anyway, they inked Dylan Larkin to a five-year extension, one that will carry a $6.1M hit. This has some bearing on the Hawks, because they’ve made a lot of noise about keeping some head room on the cap for when Nick Schmaltz and Alex DeBrincat, and any other jamoke that decides to have a good year, have to sign extensions themselves. And we know the Hawks are loathe to play hardball. They’ll either basically acquiesce to whatever any player they like wants, or they’ll trade them to Carolina.

Larkin’s deal is going to be something Schmaltz’s agent circles and uses as a starting point. While they’re hardly the same player, their production looks pretty similar. Larkin put up 77 points in his first two seasons, and Schmaltz has put up 80. Larkin is probably the better goal-scorer, but Schmaltz’s 22 is only one off what Larkin did as a rookie and hasn’t matched since.

What will have the Hawks a little worried is if Schmaltz bust out in his third season the way Larkin did, doubling his point-total from the previous season to this one just past. Ok, if Schmaltz did that he’d be a 100-point player so that’s not going to happen. And really, there isn’t too much where Schmaltz can bust. He shot 17.8% last year, and doesn’t appear to be the type who can mutate a 20%+ year. That 17% might even be an aberration. If he produces more shots, that would be an area where you could see the production rise out of. Schmaltz only fired off 1.5 shots on net per game, and just a little under three attempts. It’s not hard to envision playing a full year with Kane where that could go up, and if the percentages remained where they were and he tickles 30 goals he could become way expensive in a hurry.

Larkin also played with only middling talent, though Anthony Mantha is probably slightly more than that. Thomas Tatar really isn’t. Schmaltz is going to get a better platform, and a 60+ point season sees him in the $7 million range. No, it really could. Since The Great Lockout Of ’05, 34 players have managed 140 points or more in their first three seasons. All of them became at least what would be $6 million players today. Here’s the list in case you want to peruse.

-Scott Powers caught up with Brandon Saad’s summer training today at The Athletic. And if you want a lesson in saying nothing while looking like you’re saying nothing, check out the quotes from Brian Keane.

“We’ll track a number of different stats and things that are specific to the type of player that we’re looking at and try to identify areas they’re really excelling at, as well as areas we think they can improve upon,”

Wouldn’t that be every summer program?

“It really starts with the video and assessing all those different things we’re looking at and then start game-planning from there what we can to do to devise a plan for him during the summer.”

Yeah, again, wouldn’t this be every program? Or do most guys just go out and bail hay on some Canadian farm? I guess Saad would be on a Pennsylvania farm but you get the point.

“He can do that especially off a rush or a loose puck play where there’s a turnover and you have someone in front of him. He can use defenders as screens and read where the stick is to change the point of release or create that space for the shot. That’s been something we’ve focused on a lot. But also identifying where to pop in and out of seams and having a sense for when he can use those wheels to hit that seam and time it in a nice way where he’s giving himself a really good opportunity at the weak side or staying outside the pack and then reentering at the right time.”

Doesn’t this all boil down to “getting open?” Sure, changing shooting angles with the puck on your stick is something you can improve and not something Saad does a lot of, but if he doesn’t already have a sense of how to lose himself to the defense, is that something you can just learn?

Anyway, if it improves Saad’s accuracy or gives him a more lethal shot, I guess I’m all for it. Sounds like they’ve been saying what we’ve been saying, but whatever.

-NBC announced it was altering its hockey schedule a bit, which is good news. I guess. I mean the Hawks still appear more than anyone and they suck out loud, but mighty oaks from little acorns. The big news is that “WEDNESDAY NIGHT RIVALRY ARGH BARGH GRAB YOURSELF SPIT AND FART” is going the way of the dodo. Now it’s just “Wednesday Night Hockey” and more often than not will be a double-header. This is good news, as it allows NBC to get the likes of McDavid, Gaudreau, Karlsson, and various California players that are old now on national TV more often without waiting for them to visit the Flyers or Rangers. There will be more of a diverse lineup, as there should be, to highlight teams that are actually good instead of names you might know. If you can believe it, there’s actually a Jets vs. Leafs game on the slate.

Fine, whatever. It can’t hurt, though if they’re still going to have two drunken monkeys in the studio it’s still going to be an annoying broadcast. But at least it’ll be teams you want to watch, instead of more Hawks or Milbury breaking down why you need a Wayne Simmonds to win while he takes yet another dumbass penalty.

All right, jerks. Talk to you next week. Maybe.

Everything Else

Friday Foofaraw: Our Definitely Not (But Should Be) World Famous EPL Preview – Part 2

By Sam Fels 1637 0

Let’s keep it moving:

Leceister: The thing about Leceister is they could suffer three straight relegations and their fans are just never going to care. When you’ve pulled off the biggest miracle championship in sports history, you wouldn’t dare ask for more. Luckily, it won’t be that bad. They’ve hung on to Harry Maguire, but lost Riyad Mahrez so he can sit on the bench at City. There isn’t a lot of dash here, but Vardy always scored despite being an asshat. The players could chuck it on Cladue Puel, and then things could get dicey, but they seem destined for mid-table in a unmemorable way. Which is fine with everyone.

Liverpool: The bestest team ever.

Man City: When you roll over the most competitive league, all you can really do is add depth. So that’s what Mahrez is here to do. They have two guys for every position who would basically start most everywhere else. The only hope for anyone (i.e. Liverpool) is that their insatiable thirst for the Champions League causes them to lose sight of the league. It would take that and an injury crisis you’d have to think. Or everyone losing form at the same time. There’s a reason they won this by 17 points last season.

Man United: Now here’s some pointing and laughing. Jose Mourinho’s main trick, other than boring the life and soul out of everyone, is creating a siege mentality for his team. It’s them against the world, and it usually works…when you give him the most expensive squad in the world. Well, he’s got the latter, but he’s only succeeded in creating a seize mentality for himself. He hasn’t stopped bitching since last season ended, either about the board or his players. Paul Pogba has already had it with his bullshit, and that’s a fight Jose won’t win. He’s not the only player who’s probably aching for Mourinho to go. There’s certainly more than enough talent here to run with City and Liverpool, but not if they’re all miserable. If Jose gets sacked before Christmas, maybe someone can save it. Otherwise, they’re looking at third at best. And only because Spurs are too busy paying for a new stadium.

Newcastle: We say it every year. Newcastle should be Spurs or Arsenal. They have the most rabid support in the country. They have the stadium, and could probably sell out a 75,000 seat one if they wanted to. But you won’t find a bigger dickhead owner than Mike Ashley, who will tell you how much money he doesn’t have while stuffing his pockets. Rafa Benitez has bravely stuck on here for reasons only known to himself, even though Ashely won’t let him spend much more than for a pint after lunch. This squad needed a lot of help, Muto is a striker they needed, and Ki and Fernandes from Swansea help. But this could be so much more. Rafa will get the most he can out of them, it just won’t be what it should.

Southampton: Going down because Mark Hughes is a moron. Another coach who would fit in perfectly in the NHL.

Spurs:  Kind of amazing they’re the first team in PL history to not sign one player in the summer. It’s a really good squad, but it isn’t big enough to carry challenges at home and abroad. Their main rivals have improved or were better to begin with. How are they going to bridge the gap? Pochettino is good, but he’s not that good.

Watford: It’s Watford. They’ll start the first two months on fire, beat a couple of the big boys, play some attractive stuff, and then they’ll just fade out of vision right after Christmas, finishing like 14th in peace. And they’ll probably fire the manager, because it’s simply a reflex for them.

West Ham: Whereas Newcastle’s owner is actually an evil little shit, West Ham’s are just more on the incompetent side. But they may have gotten this summer right. Manuel Pelligrini got a lot of shit at City for not being Pep, just like he did at Madrid, but he’s a very good manager. There have been some keen signings to follow him to East London, and there’s actually hope even though all the fans hate the stadium. They’ll be an interesting watch for the right reasons instead of the b-circus they’ve been.

Wolves: They were almost as entertaining in the Championship as Fulham, and unlike Cardiff will at least entertain no matter what they do. They’ve brought in two Portugal internationals, and Ruben Neves is a fun toy. Keep an eye on.

 

Everything Else

Friday Foofaraw: Our Definitely Not (But Should Be) World Famous EPL Preview – Part 1

By Sam Fels 1847 0

You may be sitting there thinking, “Wait, how can it be time for more soccer? Didn’t the World Cup end like seven minutes ago?” And you’d be right! But the world of footy never stops (especially if you’re one of those weirdos who watches MLS), and this weekend sees the new Premier League season kick off! And anyone you know who watches soccer watches the EPL, so it’s the only one worth previewing (because only Madrid or Barcelona will win in Spain, Juventus in Italy, Munich in Germany, so it’s the only league with at least some drama. Or not, as you’ll see). Let’s rip through it!

Arsenal: So the first two years I’ve done this, I’ve written the same thing about the Gunners because it’s what always happened. Either everyone would get hurt in August, they’d slog around for the half the season, close furiously to finish nowhere good and then everyone would be excited about the next season. Or they’d start out hot, everyone would get hurt in February, and they’d fall apart like a frozen terminator. Well now they’ve let Arsene Wenger toddle off to wherever people like him go (I assume the most boring town in France), hired Unai Emery who’s famous for guiding PSG to some of the biggest full-body dry heaves in the Champions League in history with the world’s most expensive roster. But hey, he won a couple of NITs with Sevilla so you never know? Arsenal have a tantalizing front line with Lacazette and Aubameyang, and Mesut Ozil is probably going to have a big “FUCK ALL Y’ALL” season after whatever that World Cup was for Germany and for him. But they still don’t have much of a midfield behind him, or defense. It seems like 5th is their limit. Oh, and they’ve just been taken over by shithead-with-a-mustache (redundant) Stan Kroenke, so their future might look a lot like a port-a-john on Day 3 of a festival.

Bournemouth: This is at least the third straight year we’re all wondering how Eddie Howe is still managing at this club. Everton should have thrown everything at him, and maybe he’ll take the poisoned chalice that is Newcastle when Rafa Benitez resists murdering owner Mike Ashley and just leaves. Bournemouth will play more attractive football than any of the bottom 10 clubs have a right to, and they might finish 10th. That’s about as good as they can hope. And maybe Howe decides this is as far as he can take them.

Brighton: A miracle they survived, despite not being able to throw a grape into the ocean as far as attack went. They’ve bought an Iranian international, Allreza Jahanbakhsh, to help with that and I definitely didn’t have to check how to spell that five times. He scored 21 goals in Holland last year. You’ll recall Jozy Altidore did that once too, and he doesn’t know how his legs work. They’ll fight hard, be tough to beat, and be in a relegation battle by Thanksgiving.

Burnley: There is always a club that flies too close to the sun. That has every chance of being Burnley. They’ll add European football to this squad, which isn’t very deep. And while Sean Dyche does a great Sam Allardyce impression in that no one is quicker to point out his record despite what his squad costs versus his opponent’s, his teams play boring-ass football that only lasts for so long and will get found out on the European stage. It’ll also tire out and distract his players, so it wouldn’t be a huge shock if they find themselves in a relegation battle that Dyche probably long ago thought he’d never see again.

Cardiff: Their manager Neil Warnock would fit right in in the NHL. He’s an old, drunk blowhard who has not time for new ideas unless they flatter him. His teams are built on graft and effort and are torture to watch or follow. But he gets clubs up from the Championship, and then watches them become overmatched in the Premier League because his only tactic is “GO GET ‘EM, BOYS!” Well, that and blaming refs and foreign managers. Also their owner is one of the bigger raging assholes in the league, which is saying something, and changed their colors from blue to red even though they’re known as “The Bluebirds.” Remember that one guy from Bloodsport who tried to bribe everyone and loved Van Damme and always wore the nice suit? He grew up and became this guy.

Chelsea: You’d think a team with one of the richest people in the world as owner would figure out a way to hire a new manager a little sooner than three weeks before a new season, but you’d be wrong! Chelsea haggled with Napoli over Maurizio Sarri for so long that’s how it worked, because Napoli know how much money they have. So they’ve only been able to buy Jorginho to pair with Kante in the middle, instead of Danny Drinkwater which was high comedy for all of us out here in the fields. And a new keeper because Courtois has finally fucked off to Madrid, and this one’s even more expensive than the one Liverpool got. They’re still going to watch Alvaro Morata’s kleenex-like confidence disappear by October and there won’t be anyone around to score except for the 10 dumbass goals Olivier Giroud manages every year (they’re always in the last five minutes and they’re always off his shoulder). Eden Hazard will be checking out the real estate listings in Madrid, Barcelona, and Paris all season, and if anyone in defense gets hurt they’ll have to play David Luiz in a back four (remember how that worked out in Belo Horizonte in ’14) or the feet-less Gary Cahill. And Willian doesn’t want to be here anymore either. Seems like they’ll be drinking buddies for Arsenal.

Crystal Palace: They have one player in Wilfried Zaha, and their manager is three days older than water and not much more clued in than said water. They haven’t bought anyone, so unless Zaha goes “God mode” again, they could be in for a fight. Their best midfielder in Yohan Cabaye thought it was better to play in the UAE. That’s always a good sign.

Everton: This is where I’m supposed to point and laugh. They hired the manager, Marco Silva, they wanted to hire last year but then they had to settle for Sam Allardyce, a time for the club that will be looked upon as fondly as a roadside prostate exam. Richarlison will suck as soon as it gets cold again, and Lucas Digne is fine. But yesterday they added two from Barcelona and might have gotten Kurt Zouma on loan. Still, they don’t have a striker worth a shit anywhere and they’ll have to false-nine their way into goals. They’re destined to finish 7th or 8th from here until the end of the world.

Fulham: Probably your new favorite team. They got promoted playing probably the most exciting style in the Championship, led by left back/left winger/I’ll-go-where-the-fuck-I-please Ryan Sessegnon, who has a chance to be the next big thing. They’ve added Seri and Schurrle, which sounds like a hell of a law firm, and Mitrovic is simply the most bonkers striker out there, liable to score, get sent off, or just stand still and scream for 90 minutes equally. Whatever they do, you’ll enjoy it.

Huddersfield: Did you know David Wagner and Jurgen Klopp are buddies? If you didn’t the broadcasters will be happy to tell you eight times. They miracled their ass to safety last season, haven’t added anyone, and are going to try and grunt and fart their way to it again. Probably not going to happen.

Part 2 this afternoon…