All in one place. For the kids.
vs. 
RECORDS: Bears 3-4 Eagles 4-4
KICKOOFF: Noon Sunday
TV: FOX
BRING BACK THE KELLY GREEN, DOOFUSES: Bleeding Green Nation
If it wasn’t bad enough the state of the Bears right now, Sunday is going to be filled with the kinds of stories and headlines that broadcasters love to reach for and beat into a pulp because they’re so easy. A playoff game from the previous season. Former players against their former teams. Struggling QBs. Questions over another kicker. You’re going to hear all of it Sunday, and probably by the time the second quarter starts you’ll be ready to go Elvis on your TV. And that might not even have anything to do with the actual play on the field. Then again, it might.
The Bears will roll into South Philly just about as big of a mess as they’ve been in…well, it’s really only been two years. They don’t know what they do on offense. They don’t know what they can do on defense at the moment. The special teams remain horrible. Their coach might actually be going Colonel Kurtz. And playing an opponent in similar straits didn’t do much for them last week. This time, they’re on the road.
The Eagles have some of the same problems, but they have the gloss of a Super Bowl and at least a passable defense of it still shining somewhat, at least buying everyone some time. Their quarterback at least needs it.
Carson Wentz went through some offseason character assassinations, some of which stem from him not being at the helm when the Eagles were achieving the business end of their success the past two years. There’s no Nick Foles now to lob up wounded prayers that no one can seem to get their hands on except those clad in green (still think Eddie Jackson would have won that game last January, and this is about all I have to hold onto now), so it’s all on Wentz. Our own Tony Martin documented how Wentz has been a bit all over the map this season.
Still, the Eagles have done a very good job of protecting Wentz, much better than Nagy has done with Mitchell. The Eagles have ramped up their rushing attack as the season has gone along, and they rank third in the amount of times they run the ball on first and second down in close games. Which is where NARRATIVE #1 comes in, and that will be Jordan Howard. He has steadily improved as the games have racked up, and with some Bears fans and media still befuddled at his trade and the Bears inability to get David Montgomery on track outside of last week, you can bet this is going to be harped on consistently by whatever meatbag is in the broadcast booth. If it’s Thom Brennaman again, he’ll probably be in a Howard Eagles jersey.
And as we’ve seen, the Bears haven’t exactly been a Spartan phalanx against the run this year. Which means Chuck Pagano is going to have to come up with something, which might leave the Bears even more vulnerable to some big shots to possibly returning firework DeSean Jackson along with shorter throws to another old friend in Alshon Jeffery and Julie Ertz’s husband in the seams. Fun times.
On the flip side of the ball, it’s once again a balance of whether the Bears catch a break in that they won’t face a hellion of pass rushers or the Eagles absolutely jonesing to get a look at the Bears offensive line. The Eagles have been pretty good against the run, which means Mitch is probably going to have to make some throws and you’re already hiding in the bathroom with a bottle of Old Crow and a shotgun. The Birds went heavy on man-coverage last week in terrible conditions in Buffalo against Josh Allen, daring him to make accurate throws in the wind. It’s not their usual forte, but there’s also no reason to think they won’t double up on that given that the entire league, country, world, and possibly a few alien civilizations feel that Trubisky can’t hit a bull in the ass with a banjo when the chips are down.
Which means we’ll get a whole lot more stories and narratives about last year’s playoff matchup, and how the offense let the defense down, how they missed a kick to win it, how Trubisky didn’t make enough plays in the first half to win the game, and how perhaps something broke that day with this team that has yet to heal.
All that said, it’s not like the Eagles secondary has been great, they’ve taken the ball away just about as much as the Bears have (i.e. not enough) and Allen Robinson should be getting open a lot of they’re going to insist on man-coverage a ton. Let him make the plays.
For no reason whatsoever, this feels like a game the Bears are going to win for no reason whatsoever. Other than football can be truly stupid, I guess. Everything points to the Eagles winning. They’re at home, they won last week, and they have the voodoo signs of last year. They seem to have found something of a formula for themselves last week in running the ball, which is ahead of the Bears. However, this is the Eagles and they’re always capable of throwing in a clunker, as evidenced by them getting crushed by the Vikings and Cowboys back-to-back (though both were on the road). But they’ve also lost to the Lions at home.
For the Bears, the season very well might be gone already so calling this a last stand is probably not accurate. Still, a loss here could very well send this team to oblivion, especially a bad one. A win with a home game against Detroit waiting at least allows everyone to keep breathing for a time. And I think we all want to believe last week was bottom. If it wasn’t…well, I already told you about the Old Crow and the shotgun.
*Glass Breaks*
“Oh my god that’s DJ Yung Milwaukee’s music!”
*Air Horns*
Fels-
Imma let you finish (oh wait you did), but I’ve got some piping hot takes I’d like to toss in here, because like Randy Orton on Monday night, I gotta wait until minute 19 of your 20 minute match to waltz in and hit you with an RKO to give you a DQ win.
I think your last couple paragraphs are super telling, because you’re right- the Eagles sometimes lay an egg, but these Bears are Mancow from those Eagleman commercials: they have already crashed the car on which the egg is laid. The Eagles could play a stinker and beat the Bears, similarly to how the Packers, Chargers, and to a lesser extend Raiders all played poorly enough to lose but had the Bears nobly snatch defeat out of the jaws of victory.
The key to beating the Eagles defense is through the air, because as you mentioned they have a fairly stout run defense. Naturally, this doesn’t play to the strengths of the Bears offense. The key to beating the Eagles offense is to make them one-dimensional, which also would require a strong start offensively. The projected game script doesn’t favor the visiting team, but as last night’s 49ers/Cardinals game proved, a QB with decent mobility that can step up and away from the pass rush can make the big play if the blitz loses contain. The only hope I have that this is a possibility is how crisply Anthony Miller was running on Sunday, and there is certainly a chance he can break off a route and turn a busted play into a big one, which will inevitably end with him being tackled on the 5-yard line and the Bears settling for three points.
While I’m here, you’re partially right in your assessment that Eddie Jackson puts the Bears over the edge, because while that might be debatable, if both Jackson and Bryce Callahan were playing that game ends differently for sure. Jackson hasn’t had the opportunity to make his signature breaks on the ball since this year’s pass rush is lacking, and Buster Skrine isn’t really blowing minds as a replacement for Callahan.
This game has “letdown” written all over it, but hey we’ve been let down since London so why worry? I’m more interested to see what Nagy does now that the season is getting away from this team from a play-calling perspective. This team is on the verge of being dangerous because they have nothing left to lose.
Bears Offense vs. Eagles Defense
Eagles Offense vs. Bears Defense
Down on the farm in Rockford, the IceHogs washed some of the bad taste of the previous weekend away with a decisive 6-2 victory Wednesday over visiting San Antonio. The Hogs got a bit healthier heading into this weekend’s action at the BMO Harris Bank Center.
In net for the IceHogs was Kevin Lankinen, who had missed seven games with a shoulder injury. Heading into this weekend, Rockford is still carrying three goalies on its roster. I would imagine that Matt Tomkins will be assigned to the Indy Fuel of the ECHL soon if both Lankinen and Collin Delia are tip-top.
Keeping It Brief
And of that win over the Rampage? Let’s get to it:
- After falling behind 1-0 in the opening period, Tyler Sikura, Nick Moutrey and MacKenzie Entwistle scored in a three-minute span to give the IceHogs control of the proceedings.
- Moutrey, Entwistle, Reese Johnson, Adam Boqvist and Jacob Nilsson all potted their first goals of the 2019-20 campaign.
- Entwistle (First), Moutrey (Second) and Johnson (Third) were the game’s three stars.
- Boqvist’s goal came on the man advantage, Rockford’s first of the season in 30 attempts.
- Lankinen stopped 28 shots in the win.
Roster News
On Thursday, the Blackhawks recalled Boqvist. The IceHogs, in turn, brought up D Jack Ramsey from the Fuel..
Dylan Sikura will be missing Saturday’s tilt with Iowa after he was suspended by the AHL for one game. The suspension follows a match penalty that Sikura was assessed for a high-stick late in Wednesday’s win over San Antonio.
Weekend At The BMO
The piglets open the weekend Saturday night, when they host Iowa. The Wild defeated Rockford 3-2 in DesMoines to open the season back on October 4.
Iowa (6-1-1-1) is currently atop the AHL’s Central Division. The Wild are led by Gerald Mayhew, who has nine points (5 G, 4 A) in five games this season. Goal Kaapo Kahkonen is undefeated in five starts, including opening night against the IceHogs.
The Chicago Wolves arrive Sunday. The teams have split the first two games of the season series. Chicago is 5-0-1 in its last six games and has climbed to just behind Iowa in the division standings.
Rookie center Lucas Elvenes leads the AHL in scoring with 15 points (4 G, 11 A). Veteran Gage Quinney has also gotten off to a great start, with five goals and six apples in the first ten games for Chicago.
The IceHogs managed to collect a win over Wolves goalie Garret Sparks October 18. However, Sparks has been excellent for Chicago, with a 1.80 GAA and a .946 save percentage in six appearances.
Follow me @JonFromi on twitter for the occasional update and thoughts on the Hogs all season long.
I finally wrap up our Cubs season review, perfectly timed with snow on the ground and the World Series now over and waking up every day from here until March thinking, “Today is the day the Cubs are going to do something stupid, isn’t it?” Anyway, I didn’t feel like giving everyone in the pen or bench a full write-up, so let’s just speed through them and get on with our lives, shall we?
Craig Kimbrel – Jesus God. It was a desperation move, and it played out exactly like one as Kimbrel couldn’t overcome the delayed start to his season, and then the rush job to the Majors. He was bad, he was hurt, and then he was bad. His velocity was down a full two MPH from 2017, the last time he was some galactic creature batters couldn’t handle. He was good in ’18 but the walks had crept up, and that didn’t stop in 2019 either. Perhaps with a full spring training and a clean bill of health, Kimbrel can recover a portion of the lost velocity. He’s never going to be CRAIG GODDAMN KIMBREL again, but there’s little reason to think he can’t be a good to very good reliever. David Ross might want to think about talking to him about moving into something other than a strict closer role so the whole pen can be fluid, but I won’t hop on one foot waiting for that to happen.
Kyle Ryan – Pleasant surprise, of course after I declared he was a new suckbag. Hard to know if he can be counted on again, because he’s the type of reliever that just turns into discarded hygiene products for no reason other than he’s just a reliever. Gets a ton of grounders. Worth taking another look at.
Steve Cishek – Thanks for everything, but remember when you leave your right arm is probably staying here.
Brandon Kintzler – Returned to being the solid reliever he’s been most of his career. Probably worth a one-year deal if he’s willing, but also used earlier in the game and not counted on as a prime set-up guy. Gets lefties out, so hopefully Ross isn’t afraid of using him that way like Maddon was if he’s still here.
Tyler Chatwood – I have this dream where Chatwood and Alzolay are used as multi-inning weapons once or twice a week each, maybe more. That shields the rest of the pen, takes some pressure off the starters, and lets Chatwood come out and blow 97-98 MPH past guys like he was later in the year. It’s probably what he’s best at. The reality is he very well might have a chance at the fifth spot in the rotation. It’s hard not to notice the near 4-to-1 K/BB ratio in the last two months when he became accustomed to the role. It might not be what he wants, but he is good at it.
Rowan Wick – The Pitching Lab’s first success? Probably could have been slotted into a prominent role much quicker than he was. Strikeouts faded laster in the year as he was used more and more, which is a concern. Still gets a ton of grounders. Has a job to lose come Arizona.
David Phelps – Get the fuck outta here with this.
Derek Holland – Great entrance song. Everything else sucked.
Brad Wieck – See, this is really how you’re supposed to find relievers. You find something in a pitcher that his current team doesn’t, or that can be changed or harnessed, you pick him up for nothing and get him firing upon arrival. This big lummox isn’t there yet, but there were signs of hope and is definitely worth another spin. Struck out nearly 17 hitters per nine innings as a Cub.
Dillon Maples – It’s just never going to happen, is it? There is an absolute monster in there somewhere, but it’s buried in fastballs that hit the screen or the mascot. Might be time to wave the white flag on this one.
Duane Underwood Jr. – Yeah sure, let’s see more.
Clearly there need to be upgrades here. You can’t go into next season with questions hanging over Kimbrel and unknowns like the Fabulous Wick-er Boys and some kids. I would say two solid vets, not too expensive, is the prescription here. We’ll get into our shopping list next week.
Is it desperation? Is it just a recognition the Hawks have a serious speed and skill deficiency? Is it just to distract from the Seabrook drama? All of it? Who the fuck knows, and who the fuck cares, because we get to see the most fun toy the Hawks have in the organization (outside a fully engaged Patrick Kane, which we haven’t seen this year yet). Earlier today, the Hawks called up Adam Boqvist.
The need for Boqvist, or the idea of Boqvist at least, is quite obvious. The Hawks have no d-man who can skate himself out of trouble. They have no defenseman who can get them started in transition by himself. They have no puck-movers, ever since Erik Gustafsson suddenly lost the limited skill he had to be that. Their power play sucks, and is in desperate need of movement and creativity.
Can Boqvist do all this? Yes, someday. Now? Certainly not all at once. And it would be utter lunacy to have #27 doing anything above a third-pairing role to start. Which is probably why the Hawks will do it. They could be that desperate. In 12-15 minutes a night, Boqvist is not going to be able to turn games or change them. But you’ve got to start somewhere, and if they really think something is going to come of this season, then you need to start the process of getting him there as quickly as possible.
Boqvist can do things about the power play. The Hawks need power play goals. They’re not going to go anywhere without them. They’re not good enough at even-strength, and they’re not going to be unless they find one or two more Boqvists than they have. They simply have to win the special teams battle. They’re getting completely turked on them now. Boqvist isn’t going to help the kill, but he can help the power play.
So no Kirby Dach shit and not have him out there even if he’s a rookie. Fuck, put him on the #1 unit ahead of Gustafsson. I don’t care. Knock it off with this goddamn drop pass at center ice. Have Boqvist threaten it, but then skate through two people and create chances off the rush. With Boqvist’s speed and skill, he can actually back people up at the blue line. Gustafsson can’t, which is why no one takes his rush up before that drop pass seriously. They’re just waiting for Kane to get it.
How does it affect the lineup? My first guess would be it sends Dennis Gilbert back to the muck where he came from and belongs. I would not be surprised if it actually knocks Gustafsson out of the lineup, simply because if you have Gus and Boqvist in the lineup at the same time, your penalty kill would only have four d-men on it. Although the Predators do that. So do a couple other teams. You can get away with it if those four D-men are good. Maybe when Murphy is healthy again (for the limited time things stay that way), you can get away with Murphy, Keith, de Haan and Maatta killing penalties, I don’t want to think about it.
Ideally, your pairings by Thanksgiving will be:
Murphy-Keith
Maatta-Boqvist
de Haan-Gustafsson
That’s almost representative!
I would imagine Gustafsson will be traded at some point this season, just because he’s not earning a contract right now in free agency and if he eventually does, the Hawks can’t or won’t afford him. Maybe Seabrook will be too now, who knows?
Anyway, the now. Are there going to be shifts and whole games where Boqvist looks terrible? Absolutely. There are going to be shifts and games where he’s the best show in town. A lot of these are going to cross-over into the same game. But the Hawks need it.
The Hawks have made it clear the next three years are what matter here. Dach is here to stay. Boqvist is up. The movement to the next generation has started. Ride the snake.
Here’s some numbers fer ya head:
Rush Yards Yds/Att TD Rec Rec Yds TD
Player A 443 4.4 5 9 68 1
Player B 366 3.7 3 15 97 0
Player A is one of only three NFL RBs with 3,000+ rushing yards (3,370) since 2016, joining Ezekiel Elliott (4,048) and Todd Gurley (3,441). Howard and Gurley are the only NFL RBs with 9+ rushing TDs in each of the last two seasons.
Ryan Pace thought Player B was the better player and traded Player A for a 6th round draft pick. Moreover, Pace moved up in the draft to select Player B to replace Player A. The cost of doing so was the 87th pick, the 162nd pick, and a 2020 4th round pick.
So, to recap; in its entirety, the swap of Player A for Player B cost the Bears:
- Player A
- 2020 6th Round Pick
- 2020 4th Round Pick
- 2019 3rd Round Pick
- 2019 87th Pick
- 2019 162nd Pick
Player A = Jordan Howard.
Player B = David Montgomery.
Now, don’t get me wrong, David Montgomery is doing a nice job for the Bears as a lead back with a shitty offensive line. He has a very bright future, but the fact is, SO FAR this season, he simply hasn’t been as good as the Eagles Jordan Howard.
But, this really isn’t about Howard or Montgomery. This botched trade (thus far) lies at the feet, yet again, of Ryan Pace. At this point, you have to ask yourself if this job too big for the Bears GM? I think it is. With Pace as the architect, the Bears have a record of 29-34. Over this period, they have had the 2nd, 7th, 8th, 9th, 39th (2), 45th, 51st, 56th, 71st, 72nd, and 73rd picks in the draft. These picks have produced:
- Mitch Trubisky – Ouch.
- Kevin White – LOL. Out of football.
- Roquan Smith – Struggling with something more than just football.
- Leonard Floyd – Soft. Can’t put up real numbers playing opposite K.Mack.
- Eddie Goldman – Great rookie year, not much since.
- James Daniels – Potential.
- Adam Shaheen – Beat it.
- Anthony Miller – Well, we’re waiting.
- Cody Whitehair – Solid starter on a the worst O-Line in football.
- Hroniss Grasu – Bozo. Out of football.
- Jonathan Bullard – Nah. Three career sacks
- David Montgomery – Bell cow of this crew.
As you can clearly see, Pace’s early round selections have produced very little. I am far more impressed with his free agents signings; which means that someone else drafted and cultivated a player, then Pace was there to hijack him – which makes sense as Pace’s main responsibilities in New Orleans were scouting (and changing Mr. Bensen’s diaper and staying the fuck outta Mickey Loomis’ way). It’s also not that difficult to walk into an organization ran by Loomis and Sean Payton and Drew Brees and succeed. See, the Saints are widely known as having the most well-ran organization in football. The Saints have stayed competitive for a long time even when they are always drafting late in the first round.
Which brings us back to the Bears. Most likely, the Bears will not have a pick near the top of the draft in 2020, which is a good thing, as most of Pace’s limited draft successes have come towards the back end of the draft. At no time should the GM should be allowed to draft a QB, WR, TE, or D-Lineman. This is due only to his incompetency in doing so in every previous year. Pace will not be fired, and the team isn’t going to bring in an experienced talent evaluator who has had success in the draft, so what we will continue to see is the same draft results we have since 2015.
Sweet.
Holy shit do I want to hate Carson Wentz, who I would like to first off assure you is NOT Prince Harry. I typed out and deleted a whole paragraph on how his Christian charity and religious work makes me uncomfortable, so let’s just ignore his personality as best we can and break down the Marcus Mariota to Jared Goff’s Jameis Winston (holy shit what a jumble of mediocre quarterback names).
Carson Wentz was the 2nd overall pick in the 2016 NFL Draft, and has had a somewhat star-crossed career in his time as the Eagles QB, similarly to how a certain member of the royal family is on one hand a darling of the British media while also having a history of wearing Nazi regalia. He came in as a rookie and put up middling numbers, played at a Pro Bowl level in 2017 before suffering a season-ending injury in week 14 before watching “Giant Penis” Nick Foles take his team to the mountaintop and win the Super Bowl against New England. Wentz came back partway through the 2018 season and again played well statistically. He’s doing the same this year, but just like last season his team isn’t holding up their end of the bargain.
Let’s take a quick look at his Next Gen Stats from NFL.com from last week:
A lot of short passes or passes behind the line, which makes a lot of sense against a stout Buffalo defense during a game that featured steady high winds. Wentz makes good use of screen passes, which the Bears are actually decent at defending, but he also makes good use of the deep ball when he needs to, which the Bears are shit at stopping. It’s worth keeping track throughout the week to see if speedsters DeSean Jackson and rookie burner Miles Sanders are suiting up on Sunday.
Wentz is an outstanding game manager when he isn’t being asked to do too much. He’s like the Duke of Sussex, he needs just a little less responsibility than one would ask of a proper King. He also excels in making plays with his feet, as he has underrated mobility and can buy time for players like Alshon Jeffery to break off routes and find open spots downfield. He’s getting sacked at the second lowest rate of his career according to Pro Football Focus (a sack on every 5.7 dropbacks), so you know he’s a threat there as well.
How do you beat Carson Wentz? That’s a good question. Even with injuries, Wentz has plenty of weapons in the aforementioned Alshon Jeffery, Zach Ertz, and Dallas Goedert, not to mention Jordan Howard anchoring the rushing attack and a decent offensive line. Wentz is impressive against the blitz, and if given too much time will make things happen with his feet.
He spreads the ball around very well considering the injuries he has dealt with this season with his skill position teammates. As mentioned before, he has two tight ends that can run any route asked of them, a wide receiver that can win at the point of the catch, and if Sanders is healthy he has 3 running backs that can catch passes (I am including Jordan Howard, thank you very much). This is not an offense that you can key on one player and isolate, the Eagles can beat you in a number of ways through the air.
If the Bears want to successfully beat Carson Wentz, they need to pressure him into throwing his occasional bad pass. He will literally pull a Mitch if given the chance and just leave you with a head-scratcher. Wentz tends to have a ball or two sail on him, and the Bears need to capitalize. If somehow Chicago jumps on an early lead, Wentz can get erratic. If the game goes how we all expect it to go, Wentz will put up outstanding numbers.
The Eagles can beat a team in a number of different ways, and this is a far different team than the one the Bears faced this previous January. Holding them to 16 points would be a big surprise and could make this game winnable, but Wentz has too many weapons and the Bears offense isn’t inspiring anyone to make us think opposing QBs will be feeling any situational pressure when on the field. If Carson takes the field and is pressing to make a play, the Bears will be able to take advantage, but ask yourself first if you can actually see that being the case when you envision the game on Sunday.
Good luck on Sunday Bears fans, because I’m setting the line at 2.5 for “mentions by the announce team of the ‘double-doink’ and Eddy Pineiro’s miss last week”.
Prediction:
Take the over for the announcers
Eagles 24 Bears 10
Carson Wentz is NOT actually Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex, Earl of Dumbarton
…or IS HE?
Welcome back #Vaultgang to another edition of THE VAULT, my weekly podcast- in blog form! Every week I take a look back at a game between our perennially disappointing Bears and whatever team they’re playing this week, but get this- I look at an old matchup! It’s super relevant to all of us, I know.
I wanted to talk about Bears/Eagles, but honestly I’m getting tired of bringing up the 1998-2009 teams as much as I have so I’m switching it up today and I’m sure as shit not talking about last January’s playoff game. The Fog Bowl, played on New Years Eve 1988, took place two years and a few months after I was born, so it’s probably even less vivid for me than it was for the players on the field that day. While looking at the pictures I was totally like “woah this looks like weed smoke lol” and then instantly was like “I should write about weed lol”and so here we are.
Beloved #Vaultgang member, I don’t drink. There’s some addictive genes in my septic tank that I call my DNA, and I’ve always been swamped with extra work for most of my adult Bears fandom life, so I’ve naturally preferred the loving embrace of weed instead. I’ve got my medical card, so what I’d like to do is prepare you, the Bears fan and maybe casual pot smoker, for Illinois legalization to help you find the strains to best enhance your gameday experience. Basically I’d like to be a shot lady that you’d see at the bar but with one hitters at your tailgates. Since the Bears will be out of the playoff hunt and you’ll be looking at marijuana to assist you in your playoff football watching, here’s-
The Vault Guide to Football and Weed:
Durban Poison: This South African strain is now most likely grown in greenhouses that are administered by people named “Moonbeam”, which is kinda cool I guess. Durban Poison is a heavy sativa. Smoke it and you’ll be productive, creative, and want to go outside. It’s a great first half weed for Bears fans, when things seem optimistic and fun, and hey if the Bears start to suck you can always take a nature walk. Since the Bears won’t be in the playoffs this year, feel free to light up some Durban Poison and take the dog for a super long walk when whatever bullshit team emerges from the AFC South to get fed to the Patriots or Chiefs and goes down by 21 in the first quarter. Sorry, Jacoby Brissett.
Katsu Bubba Kush: With a super high THC content, this heavy ass indica will knock you on your ass. I smoked it immediately after the Bears loss on Sunday and sunk deep into the couch, unconcerned with my fantasy team also taking a shellacking in the late games. Felt great to erase the bad taste that the Bears game left in my mouth and instead replace it with weed that tastes like paradise. This isn’t quite “sad bastard weed” that will leave you lazily listening to Fleetwood Mac and thinking about rolling joints with Ashley, your high school girlfriend who’s parents worked till late, but it will most certainly make you eat as much as your 16 year old ass did when you got home and raided the pantry before taking an entire box of cereal to your basement bedroom.
Cheese and Chong: Oh I get it, like the actors! Fuckin hilarious, guys. Whoever names weed must also name craft beer and think they get bonus points for naming their beers after Stooges songs as if those songs aren’t all 60 years old already. This weed smells like “oh shit even if I hide it in the trunk if I get pulled over I’m fucked” weed. It’s a hybrid on the sativa side, apparently used for motivation and daytime pain relief, and for our purposes it’s a great Super Bowl strain. Fire up a joint of this shit at your Super Bowl party and all of a sudden everyone loves all the commercials during the game. They say it tastes like fancy cheese when smoked. To me it tastes like weed but it’ll sure as shit have you standing by the food spread throughout most of halftime, which is fine because I like both J-Lo and Shakira, but their collective hips will still be telling the truth if you choose to watch it on Youtube later.
Dead Cherries: I guess this is some proprietary strain, which means it was designed, sold, and made by one company? Harsh tokes, man. This shit is fire and will knock you on your ass, it’s the perfect “rainy Sunday” weed. It hit me so hard at first it made me feel like… well, super high. Maybe too high. I smoked some of this during the Chiefs/Packers game and was like “damn, maybe Andy Reid was right to punt the ball”. Basically, this shit will turn you into a terrible coach. Don’t smoke Dead Cherries if you have any logistical decisions you have to make for the next couple hours.
Throughout the year I’ll be including weed flavors for you to use during upcoming Bears games, and if you like what you read pitch in to my football/weed fund on Patreon under the name xXxBearsFan42069xXx.
Oh, also, don’t smoke weed and drive. You suck at it.
Instead of dressing up and talking about something else this Halloween, we’re just going to be scary. No subscription necessary, audio after the jump.
