Everything Else

Preseason #2 Nothing to See Here — Hawks 2, Red Wings 4

By Rose Rankin 1663 0

There really wasn’t much of note but we should get used to that, right? Tonight’s cast was two lines and a bunch of no-names (or laughable names, in some cases). Let’s do this:

Box Score

–The second line of Saad-Schmaltz-Kane looked pretty dreamy. They scored the first goal but prior to that had decent chances and passing to spare. I’ve already made it clear I want Saad back on the top line, but if the production and chemistry works out, there’s not much I can say. We’ll see if Quenneville keeps them together…because the top line could still use Brandon Saad.

–On that note, there was some shitty passing and general disjointedness from the top line of Kunitz-Toews-Top Cat, which should surprise no one. Chris Kunitz did nothing to demonstrate that he belongs on the top line, which also should be the most obvious statement possible.

–Adam Boqvist had some nice moves, particularly in the first period when broke up a solid scoring chance, and managed to jump up in the play and have a scoring chance himself. He’s still just a kid and will likely be sent off to the juniors netherworld, but there maybe is some hope for a distant future of decent defensemen?

–Not Brandon Manning though. Tuulola and Carlsson (no, not the right Karlsson, it was a burr under my saddle all night) didn’t look great either, but ah who gives a shit. Foley had a lot of fun singing “Lo-lo-lo-lo-LOLA” though.

–We’re going to miss Corey Crawford this season. Now I know I said that Kunitz being subpar on the first line was the most obvious statement possible, but I was wrong. This one is the most obvious statement possible. Forsberg got hung out to dry a bit by inexperienced defensemen, but he and Lankinen would make the initial save, give up a rebound and blow it. It’s going to be a long one, folks.

–Character-from-an-Emily-Bronte-novel Mackenzie Entwistle scored in the second period, which is just fun to have a reason to say that guy’s name. It will quite possibly be the last time we do.

It’s only game two of the preseason, none of this REALLY makes a difference, and we know that the coaches are evaluating which of the young’ins will earn some of the last roster spots. But while there were some flashes of decency (hello, second line), there’s still a long way to go.

 

Everything Else

Their Emblems Built of Garbage – ’18-’19 Blackhawks Player Previews: Artem Anisimov

By Rose Rankin 1861 0

For the last six months, pretty much any time I’ve thought about Artem Anisimov I’ve thought of the word trade along with him. Obviously this is what I decided I wanted to have happen and now I’m fixated on it. But it isn’t just me who’s stuck on this idea. I mean, come on—a 3rd line center (at best) for 4.5 million a year? A guy whose assists halved last year from the year before? A guy whose xGF% is 45.6%, meaning that the Hawks are more likely to have a goal scored against them when he’s on the ice than they are likely to score with him on the ice? At that price? But hey, this is the Hawks and no one can try to polish a turd longer than they can!

2017-18 Stats

72 GP – 20 G – 11 A

49.9 CF% – 52.8 oZS% – 47.2 dZS%

16:47 Avg. TOI

A Brief History. Once it became clear that the Hawks were going nowhere last year and that their blue line was absolute shit, people began salivating over the idea of unloading Anisimov’s contract to make cap space. But ‘ole Wide Dick hung around (for those of you who may not recall, he got the nickname Wide Dick Arty via a podcast last year when his skating style was described as looking like his dick was getting in the way…I don’t know how you guys walk around with those things). And he wasn’t completely useless, but with the development of Nick Schmaltz into a 2C Anisimov fell down the depth chart. Pat and Eddie never tired of extolling his ability to park his ass (and dick too, I suppose) in front of the net, and lo, he did score 11 power play goals, thanks to his ability to position himself there for garbage pickup. Given how wretched the power play was, this is not to be overlooked—but it’s still too much to pay for, when instead the Hawks should have a functioning power play that doesn’t solely rely on the elusive and overrated Annette Frontpresence.

It Was the Best of Times. I’d like to say the best-case scenario is they that trade Anisimov as part of a package for someone more useful, but unless it’s a trade deadline move that at this point I cannot divine what it would be, it doesn’t seem like that’s going to happen. We’re rolling into this season with this lineup, like it or not. And if no team has been dumb enough to take his contract yet, so why would they do so now? No, the best-case scenario here that Anisimov can be on the second power play unit and continue scoring some garbage goals, and that he’s mildly useful either in the 3 or 4C spot, depending on how Marcus Kruger bounces back (or doesn’t). Not fucking up royally is about the best outcome here.

It Was the BLURST of Times. What would be the worst situation? Wow, let’s just let our minds wander…he’s on the second line, he’s moved to wing, Schmaltz is hurt and he’s just so slow I DON’T WANT TO I DON’T LIKE IT. The worst-case scenario is really that Anisimov gets a lot of playing time anywhere other than the third line. And that better players get stuck with him (again, Top Cat is NOT a third-liner).

Prediction. Most likely, Wide Dick has a repeat performance from last year. He’s the 3C, with Kruger handling the main defensive duties for the bottom two centers, he’s got a rotating cast of wingers, including EggShell, Kampf, maybe Chris Kunitz, depending on how it all shakes out. Arty scores around 20 goals (probably a little less), half of which come on the power play as he parks his ass in front of the net (when he can skate that far) and gets lucky occasionally. He doesn’t bring much value to the team and his cap space would be better used elsewhere, but he doesn’t actively pour gasoline on the tire fire, either. He’s not even supposed to BE here today anyway.

Previous Player Previews

Corey Crawford

Cam Ward

Duncan Keith

Connor Murphy

Brent Seabrook

Brandon Manning

Jan Rutta

Erik Gustafsson

Henri Jokiharju

Nick Schmaltz

Alex DeBrincat

Chris Kunitz

Everything Else

Their Emblems Built of Garbage – ’18-’19 Blackhawks Player Previews: Alex DeBrincat

By Rose Rankin 1945 0

Following on yesterday’s hopeful theme, one of the other bright spots from last year was obviously Alex DeBrincat, affectionately known as Top Cat around these parts. Despite his coach’s best efforts to keep him off the team, and then thwart his development once there, Top Cat blossomed into the latest version of our Special Boy. So what does sophomore year hold?

2017-18 Stats

82 GP – 28 G – 24 A

54.3 CF% – 58.9 oZS% – 41.1 dZS%

A Brief History. Along with Nick Schmaltz, DeBrincat was the breakout star of the season. And Top Cat may actually take top honors in that category because he was the leading goal-scorer. And he did it without playing on a line with Patrick Kane. DeBrincat led the team in hat tricks, with three (how meta); had the second-highest shooting percentage at a muscular 15.5 (behind only Schmaltz’s aberration); and his line’s possession numbers were the strongest on the team, although DeBrincat’s zone starts were incredibly sheltered, it must be added. However, if you control for guys who played less than 41 games (i.e., didn’t play at least half the season so getting discarded in my very scientific opinion), Top Cat’s 54.3 CF% at evens is fourth best, and guess who was ahead of him? Linemates Jonathan Toews and Brandon Saad (and Vinnie Hinostroza, sky point).

And let’s not forget—let’s NOT forget Dude—that Top Cat was shuffled around with subpar linemates while Quenneville tried his damndest to find a reason to be off with his head. DeBrincat was moved to the opposite side and got stuck with the likes of Lance Bouma as well as Patrick Sharp and Ryan Hartman. No, I’m not comparing even about-to-retire Sharp with Lance fucking Bouma, but none of these were appropriate linemates for Top Cat’s speed and passing. Despite Saad’s rough year and Toews’ ongoing decline, their line was definitely not painful to watch, notching 8 goals and an impressive 67.4 CF%.

It Was the Best of Times. In an ideal world, everything comes together and Top Cat remains effective on the right side because if he’s going to play on the top line, it’ll be in that capacity, that much is clear. And he should be on the top line—he’s one of the most gifted scorers on the team and I’m kinda being generous to some of the other players by saying it that way. In the best-case scenario, he has a 70-point season, helping to spark a Saad renaissance and extending Toews’ usefulness. He can make the jump from promising youngster to legitimate elite top-6 scorer.

It Was the BLURST of Times. There are a couple worst-case scenarios to ponder, unfortunately. So far, Chris fucking Kunitz has been seen on the top line with Toews and DeBrincat, which is so utterly stupid and utterly Quenneville-ian that it defies the capacity for logic. Yes, let’s put a useless, aging, bottom-6’er on the top line with an already-slowing center, entirely wasting DeBrincat’s abilities. Another potential situation is that he falls victim to Q’s machinations and gets marooned on the third line with Anisimov and whatever other oaf ends up there—could be Kampf, could by Hayden, really a race to the bottom in terms of options for DeBrincat, while Kunitz is this year’s Tommy Wingels, i.e., no-talent asshat on the top line because REASONS. In this scenario, physically unable to skate as slowly as these fools, Top Cat unsurprisingly struggles to score, which becomes a wretched feedback loop of Q claiming he doesn’t deserve to be on the top line, and so he doesn’t score, and it goes around and around. This sophomore slump entirely of the coach’s making makes him eager to get the fuck out of here and play for a team that recognizes his talent, while at the same time the front office obliges so that they can bring in yet another useless, aging veteran because they decide that GRITHEARTFART was what their forward corps was lacking.

Yet another nightmare scenario is that Top Cat doesn’t keep his head up and some Neanderthal decides to CHANGE THE MOMENTUM in a random game and demolishes him, since even if he can put on some bulk he will not conceivably be able to put on any more inches, and he ends up concussed or with a liquefied knee. (If Niklas Kronwall so much as blinks at him I’m going to hunt that fucker down, I’ll tell you that right now.) Either way, whether by misuse or abuse, should one of these situations come to pass this city would see yet another talented youngster provide flashes of brilliance before having it all ripped away.

Prediction: I can only hope to be wrong about the injury thing. I’m going to tell myself calm, soothing words and just say that won’t be the case. As for Top Cat’s place in the lineup, I think he’ll earn his spot on the top line and he’ll click with a resurgent Brandon Saad.  It’ll take a few weeks of dumbfuckery as Q tries to make the Kunitz experiment work, or Saad-Schmaltz-Kane works out for a while so they genuinely have to play someone else on the top line. DeBrincat will lead the team again in goals, this time over 30, yet probably have some wobbly patches throughout the season when Q wants/tries to demote him, and Top Cat has to play his way out of trouble every time. And he will. Because he’s our Special Boy.

Previous Player Previews

Corey Crawford

Cam Ward

Duncan Keith

Connor Murphy

Brent Seabrook

Brandon Manning

Jan Rutta

Erik Gustafsson

Henri Jokiharju

Nick Schmaltz

Everything Else

Their Emblems Built of Garbage – ’18-’19 Blackhawks Player Previews: Nick Schmaltz

By Rose Rankin 2417 0

OK, we made it through the defensive previews. It was rough, I know, but we survived with maybe even a glimmer of hope about Jokiharju and even Gustafsson (ah Pullega, ever the optimist around here). Now we turn to the forwards, where the few silver linings from the shitcloud that was last season came from. And undeniably, one of those linings was Nick Schmaltz, who proved he can be a legitimate #2 center and became Patrick Kane’s best friend (seems like an inadvisable choice there but his game did improve). In fact, Kane led the team in points and Schmaltz ended in a three-way tie with DeBrincat and Toews for second. Not only that, Schmaltz was extremely fast, nearly doubled his point total from the year before (albeit playing in more games), and is now in a contract year, which should maintain the fire that seems to be burning under his ass. Let’s see what we have here:

2017-18 Stats

78 GP – 21 G – 31 A

51.9 CF% – 64.1 oZS% – 35.9 dZS%

18:14 Avg. TOI

A Brief History. Schmaltz centered Kane and Hartman for a significant portion of the year and they were definitely the most interesting line to watch. His speed played a factor in that of course, but he and Kane developed a real chemistry that provided some stability in contrast to the too many other frenetic lineup changes. Schmaltz was (rightly) criticized for passing too much, but his ridiculous 17.8 shooting percentage at least meant he was effective when he did shoot. The Hartman-Schmaltz-Kane line had a 51.2 CF%, and although they basically gave up as many high-danger chances as they got—unsurprising given their defensive weaknesses in aggregate—they did score more high-danger goals than they gave up (39 HDCF vs. 38 HDCA; 5 HDGF vs 3 HDGA). Hartman was of course summarily dismissed but he was also the expendable one from this line, so now the search for a replacement begins.

It Was the Best of Times: The best-case scenario here is that Schmaltz goes off for a career year. He scores 70 points, he and Kane continue their on-ice bromance, and a new winger slots into the left side seamlessly causing us all to forget about Ryan Hartman if we hadn’t already (we pretty much have). Who would that winger be? Possibly Victor Ejdsell, who had a solid prospect camp playing wing. Dylan Sikura is another candidate, should he pull an Alex DeBrincat and go straight to the top club after camp. Given his five games with the Hawks last year this doesn’t seem out of the realm of possibility. And now Saad is in the running too, based on admittedly the tiny sample size of training camp so far.

Whoever it is, in this ideal situation the second line centered by Schmaltz provides stability against Q’s worst impulses and goals on a team with a defense and goaltending situation that could end up being classified as anywhere from “suspect” to “downright putrid.” What would really top it off would be if Schmaltz took a bit of a discount and the Hawks could re-sign him for maybe just under $6 million a year—i.e., not breaking the bank despite the Dylan Larkin contract hanging out there as a comp, and thus lowering the chances that his inevitable post-contract bed-crapping in 2019-2020 will be entirely tragic, as it would at $7+ million.

It Was the BLURST of Times: The worst-case scenario is, quite frankly, that Schmaltz sucks and they have to put Anisimov as the #2 center. His struggles in his own zone make him, Kane, and fill-in-the-blank guy a liability, and as the turnovers rack up and Cam Ward impersonates Swiss cheese (remember, this is the worst-case scenario we’re talking here), Q sees his chance to hit the blender and Schmaltz bounces between lines and, even worse, between playing center and moving back to wing. Adding to this would be giving him a big contract extension in the hope it’s an off year. Equally bad would be losing him to another team and having him bounce back strong in ’19-’20 and the Hawks’ front office falls officially into the “Moron” category.

Prediction: Like my colleague Hess, I often struggle with predictions but I’m going all in on Schmaltz and saying reality will be closer to the best-case scenario. No I don’t think he’ll double his point total again from year to year, but somewhere in the 60-65 range and assisting on about 20 of Kane’s goals sounds both possible and not entirely insane. The left wing spot is of course a question mark, but if Schmaltz can improve his work in the defensive zone and maintain the coked-up-gerbil pace that he had last year, I’m pretty confident that the Hawks will find some jabroni who can at least do no harm on the left side (I still want Saad on the top line so yes, that situation may work but I’m holding out hope).

And then they’ll pay Schmaltz $6.8 million for 6 years, which we’re all delighted about in April when they’re scraping into the playoffs, and then cursing come November 2019 when he’s hurt and/or terrible. Sorry, even when I’m taking the positive outcome I’m still a miserable pessimist.

Photo: Nick Schmaltz’s Twitter, which I wish he would post at more often

Previous Player Previews

Corey Crawford

Cam Ward

Duncan Keith

Connor Murphy

Brent Seabrook

Brandon Manning

Jan Rutta

Erik Gustafsson

Henri Jokiharju

 

Everything Else

Their Emblems Built of Garbage – ’18-’19 Blackhawks Player Previews: Jan Rutta

By Rose Rankin 2295 0

There was a time when I thought Jan Rutta might be a halfway decent defenseman. Sure, he was a nobody from a random European league, but I personally have a soft spot for Euros, and besides, the Hawks have a good track record with European scouting.

Oh how wrong I was. Rutta was basically a bust, and the Hawks added insult to injury (literally) by giving him a contract extension for 2.25 million rather than using that money to, oh, I don’t know, bring in someone not constantly tripping over his own dick in the defensive zone. And what I mean by that “literally” comment is that Rutta missed a bunch of games with various and sundry injuries just before the re-signing, making it all the more infuriating. But he’s here and it appears we’re stuck with him, so let’s do this:

2017-18 Stats

57 GP – 6 G – 14 A

49.8 CF% – 50.6 oSZ%

Avg. TOI 19:15

A Brief History: Rutta pretty much sucked, but one could be tempted to blame his fellow slag, Gustav Forsling, who he was paired with more often than not. Rutta had the second-worst possession numbers out of defensemen (49.8 CF% at evens), and the only guy worse was…wait for it…Gustav Foreskin, his erstwhile partner! Unsurprisingly, their joint possession numbers were terrible (48.2 CF%).

But it’s not just that his work with Forsling was hideous to watch. Rutta’s numbers embodied the definition of lackluster: -3.0 CF% rel, 48 xGF%, 33 giveaways to 10 takeaways, it just goes on like this. To his credit, Rutta had the third-highest point total for a defenseman last year at 20, but he had the frustrating habit of scoring a goal after a craptacular run of mistakes, and it was just enough for Q to ignore logic and recent memory and keep putting him in the lineup. The contract extension in March was salt in the wound that resulted from watching the Hawks’ blue line, and it promises to continue causing agony for the foreseeable future.

It Was the Best of Times: The best-case scenario is that Rutta ends up a serviceable third-pairing guy. And by serviceable I mean he improves his possession numbers and his mobility—even just a little. Maybe he and fellow undeserving-signee Erik Gustaffson can kill enough time on a third pairing to let Keith, Murphy, and whoever else gets stuck with Seabrook catch their breath. Maybe he and Brandon Manning can perfect the “just a guy” pairing and not give up about 8,000 goals when they’re out there. Eating up ice time with minimal damage would be the ideal outcome here.

It Was the BLURST of Times: Conversely, the worst-case scenario is that Rutta has a starring role on this defense. If Q puts him on the top pairing with Keith—and don’t think it can’t happen; they had a 52 CF% in Rutta’s 57 games last year—we’re going to have an aging Keith with an immobile partner who is prone to turnovers. Not exactly what you want for what is ostensibly your best pairing. In this nightmare, Rutta bumbles through countless bad giveaways and gets smoked by the opposing offense, yet somehow scores 10 goals and Quenneville’s selective amnesia goes unchecked, while Duncan Keith deteriorates faster than he should. Don’t let the above-water possession stat from last year fool you—this would be a comedy of errors most nights.

Prediction: What likely happens is a mix of these two scenarios. Rutta plays with Keith until a series of egregious mistakes forces Q’s hand. He spends time bouncing between the second and third pairings as Q hits the blender like a drunken bridesmaid attempting to make frozen margaritas near the end of a bachelorette party. He ends up in the press box periodically as Jokiharju comes into his own (it’s wishful thinking I know but LET ME HAVE THIS). Rutta ends the season with less than 15 points and fewer than 5 goals, and when his one-year extension is up, the team lets him go and we all breathe a sigh of relief. Or they trade him as part of a package for a real defenseman, like we’ve been waiting for these past five months. But that’s too much wishful thinking—this is a prediction after all.

Previous Player Previews

Corey Crawford

Cam Ward

Duncan Keith

Connor Murphy

Brent Seabrook

Brandon Manning

Everything Else

Their Emblems Built Of Garbage – ’18-’19 Blackhawks Player Previews: Duncan Keith

By Rose Rankin 2388 0

Let’s move on from the acid-reflux-inducing situation that is the Blackhawks goalies, and instead start pondering the black hole of the blue line, which saw notably pitiful changes from last season, despite the obvious need for more talent right now. After giving up 2,683 shots against, their worst number since 2013-2014 (when at least they made the Conference Finals), and finding new ways to plumb the depths of clumsiness and stupidity nearly every night, the Hawks defense was the glaring eyesore of the season. Duncan Keith wasn’t anywhere close to being the main offender in last year’s shit show, but for the defense to have any chance at rebounding this year they need him to improve. And for better or for worse, he will probably still be on the top pairing. So we start with him…

2017-18 Stats

82 GP – 2 G – 30 A

52.4 CF% – 60.5 oSZ%

Avg. TOI 23:50

A Brief History: It would be foolish to say that last year was anything other than a disappointment for Duncan Keith, and it’s not just because of the measly two goals. Yes that was all sorts of pathetic, but it’s not like he was scoring tons of goals in years prior and besides, it the defense that matters. No, the real problems were his lackluster numbers overall despite taking over 60% of his even-strength zone starts in the offensive zone, and the fact that he was basically dragging around a useless clod in Jordan Oesterle all season. These two things are connected and the latter is most certainly not Keith’s fault, but it’s concerning given the defensive roster this season.

With a 52.4 CF% (again, at evens), he wasn’t too off his historical average but—one more time for the cheap seats—this was following a decrease in defensive zone starts. So last year’s numbers don’t bode well, Also, Keith is slower and trending continually in that direction (he turned 35, and the ravages of age come for us all). It’s tough to watch sometimes because he still knows where he should be, but he just can’t get there. And oh yeah, who the fuck is he going to be paired with? Let’s consider the possibilities.

It Was the Best of Times: In the rosiest outcome (SEE WHAT I DID THERE) Keith and Murphy would click in the way I kept hoping they would last year, but never did. They only played a handful of games together last season and I’m convinced that Q’s irrational disdain for Murphy torpedoed what could have been a pairing of the smartest-yet-aging and best-yet-green defensemen. In this utopia Murphy could at least cover for Keith when he can’t make it to the corners or behind the net, and maybe taking the pressure off a little will allow Keith to get a few more assists or even goals. But most valuable would be extending the abilities Keith still has by not running him into the ground, also while having him become the elder statesmen passing along his knowledge to Jokiharju et. al, who each get some time with the guru.

It Was the BLURST of Times: In place of you-could-mistake-him-for-a-fencepost Jordan Oesterle (who doesn’t even merit a skypoint), Q falls back into a comfortable situation that is well past its prime, as he is wont to do—pairing Keith and Seabrook together. Our Nachos preview is still to come so I won’t dive into the details here, but you know as well as I do that he’s only going to be slower and more bloated this year, and pairing him and Keith together would not only be viciously counterproductive, it would be a sad coda to what was once a great partnership. Equally awful would be pairing Keith with Brandon Manning, the literal definition of “just a guy.” In either of these situations Keith’s diminishing speed and possession problems will only become more glaring.

Prediction: In all honesty, Keith probably gets stuck with a rotating cast of jamokes, as Q desperately searches for a pairing that works but that for some reason doesn’t involve Connor Murphy. There will be parts of games where he’s paired with Seabrook, and the collective scorching of retinas will force him to abandon that plan. Then Rutta and Gustafsson will get their turns, neither of whom will be able to compensate for Keith’s slower step. There very well could be a 20-game stretch of Keith-Rutta where Keith does his best at damage control and we all hide behind our couches for their shifts. And yet somehow, Keith will end the season with 8 goals and over 40 points. Hockey is weird and it’s bound to happen for REASONS that won’t make sense. Welcome to 2018.

Previous Player Previews

Corey Crawford

Cam Ward

Everything Else

A Show About Nothing

By Rose Rankin 2487 0

So this is a serious question: have you ever attended a Blackhawks Convention, and if so, why? (OK, that was actually two questions but don’t be like that.) Personally I’ve never gone, and I ask because these types of choreographed interactions with autograph signings and Q&A sessions and whatnot generally make me cringe. Plus given my misanthropic tendencies, I usually end up hating public figures (and people in general) once I actually meet them.

Yet this multi-day event has become a staple in the McDonough-Rocky era, and thanks to the former half of that duo it’s a fixture of the Chicago sports scene (can you believe the White Sox do one of these things? I’m a lifelong fan but I would rather eat glass than sit through their attempts to be as popular and loved as the Cubs.) So as it approaches—and the reality draws near of my walk to work getting complicated by there being even more people stumbling down Michigan Avenue without paying attention—I’m curious what fans get out of it, and for that matter, what the team will get out of it.

The corpse of Corey Crawford

The Convention is supposed to be the big reveal that Crawford is in fact not dead! That’s what Stan and the rest of the brass kept saying—he’d be there at the Convention. Which begs a couple questions: first of all, will he actually attend? One would think at this point he’ll have to, regardless of what his actual health is like, because if he’s a no-show, the media and fans who are still paying attention will collectively lose their shit at the realization that Cam Ward is definitely the starter. If they have to go full-on Weekend at Bernie’s with his ass, I’m pretty sure at this point they’d do it.

Second, will he field real questions from fans? Part of why I ask is that I’ve never attended so I don’t actually know how vetted and choreographed any parts of the event really are, but given this team’s penchant for non-speak, I highly doubt they’ll let any meathead fan ask an unplanned, anything-besides-a-softball question, even if it’s as simple as “Hey Corey, is your concussion better?”

So if Crawford will mostly smile, sign autographs and give bland platitudes to the organ-I-zation for sticking by him during his recovery, this big reveal will be the exact opposite—it will answer nothing, nor give fans who parted with hard-earned money any real reassurance that the most important player is functional.

Celebrities…they’re just like us

Is this why people go? Is it to hear Jonathan Toews and Patrick Kane pretend to joke around and act like they like each other? Does Duncan Keith have to do any talking? I feel like he would be so awkward at one of those things, and I certainly don’t blame him. Brent Seabrook is not listed as an attendee, which will hopefully fuel some wild speculation. In reality it’s probably because he made a prior commitment to take up residence at a King of Donair or destroy an all-you-can-eat buffet somewhere in Canada.

And what about the coaches and management? Again, these guys talk but never say anything, so what are they going to do to fill the time? My guess is they’ll trot out the same tired lines about “we’re expecting deez guys here to step up and have a big year” and “we’re pleased with the young talent we drafted” and blah blah blah.

I know McDonough values nothing more than the slick marketing ploy and some carefully crafted messaging, but as we’ve covered, the lack of information about the Crawford’s health, the rebuild on the fly vs. win-right-now strategy, why they couldn’t get Hossa’s contract off the books before July 1 and maybe have been positioned to take advantage of free agency—really anything of substance—makes it seem like this Convention is going to be just another time that management passes on an opportunity to connect with fans or media on any meaningful level, especially since, as we’ve determined, they don’t really have to.

Along those lines, I’m not saying Bowman or anyone else should give away any deal that may be in the works. And I don’t think Q will suddenly divulge that he’s going to maroon Top Cat on the third line again just because he’s a crusty asshole who makes crazy lineup decisions. But if they’re not going to say anything and don’t have to, why sit through these events?

Has-been or never was?

Does anyone really care to meet Ben Eager or Colin Fraser now? I certainly hope not. It appears that John Scott will be there too, just as a reminder that sometimes some lucky bastard gets way more out of life than he or she brought to the table, because the universe makes no sense.

And there will be yoga…that’s right, Hawks fans dedicated enough to attend this bullshit-filled marketing stunt…in yoga pants.

Alright, enough snark from me. It may not be my thing but hey, have a good time if you’re going. Just stay the fuck out of the way when you wander north on Michigan.

Photo credit: NBC Sports

 

Everything Else

The Only Constant Now is Change

By Rose Rankin 2299 0

Let’s be honest—there are many, many things the Blackhawks need to change next season, and there are also a few things we already know will not be changing: Stan will remain GM, and Q will remain the coach, and as we’ve discussed here that’s probably as it should be (history of success, not hitting rock bottom yet, etc., etc.). I’m not here to argue the wisdom of those choices because I can’t say for certain that they’re wrong.

But what I do know is that of the things that need to change, of the refreshers that should take place regardless of managerial continuity, one whose time has come is to ditch the most horrid goal-celebration song in history, Chelsea Dagger.

For any of you out there who actually like this song, you will not like the rest of this post. Tough shit. For those of you who maybe have a nostalgic attachment to it because it commemorated so many exhilarating moments in the not-so-distant past, I get it. But that doesn’t mean it should mark every exhilarating moment to come. Hear me out.

Songs used for chants, singalongs, or when any extremely large group of people are gathered somewhere are by necessity simplistic—and nowhere is this more true and more necessary than American sporting events where thousands of people in various states of inebriation are attempting to say something in unison. So of course, any goal celebration song will be monosyllabic or damn near close to it, but Chelsea Dagger takes this trend to a new low. This isn’t a three-beat “Let’s Go Hawks.” This isn’t even actual words. It’s literally “duh duh duh, duh duh duh, duh duh duh duh duh duh duh.” Did you see how many fucking “duhs” that is? That’s not a chorus; it’s a mindless slurring of sound. And yes, I had to sit here saying it out loud to make sure I actually typed the correct number of duhs, there are that many of them.

I know there are actual verses to this song, but they are not the reason the Hawks use it. Can you sing any of them? I think the line “know me well” is in there? The only time we hear those verses is when a goal is being reviewed and they leave the damn song playing too long.

So the chorus is mindless and stupid. But Rose, you’re a Phish fan, you say. The rest of the FFUD staff pillories me for this, and can you blame them? This is the band of such hallowed poetry as “Give the director a serpent deflector.” But nonsensical as those words may be, at least they’re words. The Chelsea Dagger chorus doesn’t even qualify as such.

And even more importantly, its lilting melody is easy to sing while drunk but that doesn’t make it good. It’s a head-bobbing, rising-and-falling chorus that achieves its purpose: to make you feel like you’re in a raucous Irish pub celebrating. I get it. But that feel is redundant—eventually that raucousness just turns to nausea. The lilting nature that makes it so memorable is exactly what makes it so tiresome. There are only so many times you can hear “duh duh duh” in a short range of rising and falling notes before you feel like that Irish pub is closing in around you and you’re getting shoved out of the way trying to reach the bar (but I wouldn’t know anything about that).

But oh, the memories. Chelsea Dagger is the soundtrack to so many joyous moments over the last decade, right? That may be, but riddle me this: at any given home game recently when the Hawks’ putrid defense gave up a bunch of goals and the team played like shit, and they managed one goal late in the third with the extra attacker to stave off a shut-out but it mattered zero for the outcome of the game, did that drunken-ish melody and pounding series of duhs really make you happy? Did it celebrate the moment, or did it sound like a shrill, hollow reminder of how pointless that score was? This Hawks team (meaning last year’s team or whatever configuration of jabronis they’re going to trot out this coming season) is not the Hawks of 2009, or hell, even of 2013 or 2015. The cast, the mood, and the plot have all changed—there’s no reason the soundtrack shouldn’t change too.

This of course begs the question, what should the goal song be? And fair reader, I don’t pretend to know the answer to that. Something driving and loud and in a major key? Yes. There has to be some pop song or some metal song or ANYTHING out there that could check the boxes of loud, upbeat, and easy enough to hum. Because that’s really all it needs to be, although something unique obviously wouldn’t hurt. And no, I don’t want it to be a Phish song—that would actually be my nightmare, albeit a hilarious one.

Everything Else

Night Songs – Round 2 Day 6: We Hardly Knew Ye

By Rose Rankin 1692 0

I was a latecomer to tonight’s games, so this will be brief (and it will filch yesterday’s photo, but whatever, don’t @ me). It was a parade of ex-Blackhawks tonight, some of which elicited no feelings, others which positively stung.

Capitals 4 – Penguins 3 (Capitals lead 2-1)

Admittedly I didn’t see much of this one, but what I did see was late in the third period of a tie game, Michal Kempny on the ice taking Sidney Crosby out of the play, which directly led to Ovechkin’s winning goal. But ya know, the Hawks system, and Q’s strategies for guys, and blah blah blah. (Honestly I’m happy for Kempny; he would be fully justified in winning the Cup and giving the entire Chicago organ-I-zation the finger.) But the point is, the Penguins blew a lead in the third and now the Caps are up a game. Also Malkin came back and had an assist. Whatever.

Predators 4 – Jets 7 (Jets lead 2-1)

Hockey has a lot of cliches, but the “most dangerous lead,” aka the 3-goal lead, stepped out of timeworn TV scripts and right into the Predators’ face in the second period. Dustin Byfuglien went wild, as of course Patrik Laine did too although the scorer’s sheet wouldn’t reflect it. Laine’s pass to Byfuglien late in the second resulted in the goal that gave them the lead, and although it seemed blatant to a spectator that Byfuglien was wide open at the dot and had one thing on his mind, the threat of Laine shooting was too much for Rinne and he got burned.

The Predators managed to tie it in the third but the momentum behind the Jets was overwhelming. Rinne wasn’t awful but he also wasn’t good. He was flopping around and getting out of position, and while the team scrambled around him the Jets just took control and kept scoring (OK, the two right at the end including the empty netter were just insult to injury but it was the Predators getting injured so fuck ’em). Hellebuyck had a rough first (obviously) but bounced back, whereas the Predators just disintegrated.

 

Everything Else

Well Pilgrim, Only After You Eat the Peanuts Out of My…– FFUD’s ’17-’18 Player Reviews: Anton Forsberg, Show Business is a Hideous Bitch Goddess

By Rose Rankin 1722 0

Anton Forsberg

35 GP, .908 SV%, 2.97 GAA, .910 SV% at evens, .865 SV% on the kill

Way back in August, I wrote the preview on Forsberg and mused that he seemed like a quadruple-A player, and that if he didn’t take things up a notch we’d be wondering why that preview wasn’t about J.F. Berube. First of all, that was the closest thing to an accurate prediction I made all season, and second, we sadly found out that Berube didn’t deserve the preview either. But we’ll get to the rest of the cast of jamokes-in-net later; for now, let’s focus on Forsberg.

I have frequently expressed that Forsberg seems truly unlucky—the unluckiest man in the NHL at times, and in this league that’s saying quite a lot. But the truth is that it wasn’t all bad luck, plain and simple. At some point you have to overcome bad bounces and defensive breakdowns and make some big saves—it’s a goalie league, after all. And at too many points in time Forsberg showed he wasn’t really capable of doing that. That .908 SV% overall? Not going to get it done. His save percentage on the PK? Downright shitty. When you give up three goals on 13 shots to the Coyotes (back in mid-February before they went on a hot streak, which, actually, BEGAN with that game), that says something.

Now, for some of the caveats: the defense. There’s no getting around the fact that a shitty defense puts undue pressure on a goalie, which is why Crawford’s numbers and achievements are all the more impressive. Remember the Rutta-Forsling combo that just never seemed to die? The on-ice save percentage when they were out there was .899, and if you can believe it, we somehow survived 406 minutes of watching that combo this season. And then there was Nachos and his inability to move his churro-laden ass, and there was Jordan Oesterle, and a slower Duncan Keith…you know the story by now. So while Forsberg most certainly deserves responsibility/opprobrium for his numbers, they alone don’t tell the whole story.

Also, coaching and personnel choices have to be considered. If you were kinda nervous at a new job and hoping to overcome jitters, and then after a few mistakes you got replaced with an inexperienced nobody who was practically a generation older than you, where would your confidence be at? Even for stiffs like me with desk jobs, that would be sad. For a young athlete with the opportunity of a lifetime to become the starting goalie for a Cup contender, I imagine it would be devastating. Again, at the end of the day it’s on Forsberg to perform, but Q’s short leash and the mental ramifications can’t be ignored.

Where Do We Go From Here: The answer to this question really lies with Crawford, and as Sam’s review discussed yesterday, that’s all smoke and mirrors right now and probably will remain so for at least a decent chunk of the summer (wtf is that? This hellscape tundra will never end).

If Crow is healthy and comes back to start the season, then Forsberg deserves a chance as the back-up again. He was serviceable, even solid in net at times. His positioning and rebound control was definitely better than Feel-Good Story Jeff Gl-Ass, and at least as good as Berube’s. With some confidence and even a slightly better blue line in front of him, he could probably be perfectly acceptable for 20-ish games.

If Crawford doesn’t come back at the start of the season, then Forsberg may be able to stay as the back-up but shouldn’t be the No. 1 guy. Whoever the Hawks would go after (Bernier? Grubauer?) would also be a factor: would it be a guy who expects to step into the starting role? Or would it be someone more on the cusp, who would have to earn the starter’s spot over Forsberg? Again, Crawford’s expected return time and condition will impact all of those answers, not to mention how the cap figures into all this. The Hawks should have some money to play with, but as we’ll see with the rest of these reviews, they also have a lot of questions to answer.

And if none of it went down that way and Forsberg was traded, that would be OK too. Berube could be the back-up if they landed someone better, and that same scenario works if Crow is back at 100%. It’s disappointing, no doubt about it; I really had hoped this would have been Forsberg’s year, my frent. But in the end, we’re back at quadruple-A. Sometimes I actually don’t like being right.