Everything Else

Your Friends And Neighbors – ’17-’18 NHL Team Previews: Would You Buy Furniture From Unpainted Huffhines?

By 1918

As the latest team to be run by a analytic wunderkind, every hockey fan who’d like to see the game move forward in any way, there is some investment in the success of the Arizona Coyotes. With some smart summer moves (not necessarily Hjalmarsson), the Yotes are going to be some people’s pick to surprise. They’re not there yet, or at least don’t look it, but they’re finally trending up. Whether they can get anyone to care in the desert is a question that’s gone on far too long and will never die.

Arizona Coyotes

’16-’17 Record: 30-42-10  70 points (6th in Pacific)

Team Stats 5v5: 45.0 CF% (30th)  44.9 SF% (30th)  42.6 SCF% (30th)  7.2 SH% (20th)  .924 SV% (12th)

Special Teams: 16.1 PP% (26th)  77.3 PK% (27th)

Everything Else

Of Course the Maple Leafs Screw Things Up For Everyone

By 2692

Leave it to Toronto. The Maple Leafs have been the hairy asshole of the NHL for the better part of a century now, yet they continue to claim themselves as some kind of important, historic NHL organization. The media that covers the team has ruined hockey coverage. Their fans ruined hockey Twitter. And now, after years of exploiting the ever-living shit of the LTIR cap exception, the team may have just managed to screw things up for the whole league in that regard.

The Leafs are hardly the only team to have circumvented the salary cap with the LTIR exception, but they’re without a doubt the worst offender. Because Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment essentially prints Loonies (which is probably a down market at this point in and of itself), they’ve been unafraid to write checks to players that they have no intent on playing. Hell, they traded for Nathan Horton for the sole purpose of getting LTIR relief, and more recently have been keeping an apparently entirely healthy Joffrey Lupul off the ice for the cap relief and to make room for the New Kids From The Block cover band that makes up their forward group.

Everything Else

Your Friends And Neighbors – ’17-’18 NHL Team Previews: Take A Long Look At Randy

By 1747

Longtime guys on this blog will know that there really isn’t a team I hate more than the Anaheim Ducks. Their team is chockfull of shit gibbons and deutsche banks and it’s being watched by a bunch of buzzards and mouth-breathing giblets in the stands. And the whole area really could go away and I doubt anyone would miss it. It’s the most hellish suburbia one can imagine, and if you actually met a Lucille Bluth in real life you’d firebomb her house within seven minutes. I’ve met a real life Gob Bluth in Orange County, because everyone there is one, and believe me it wasn’t funny.

So you know I’d love to sit here and spend 800-10000 words telling you how much the Anaheim Ducks will suck. Sadly, I’m not going to be able to do that. Let’s get through this together.

Anaheim Ducks

’16-’17 Record: 46-23-13  105 points (1st in Pacific, lost to NSH in conference final)

Team Stats 5v5: 49.6 CF% (19th)  50.5 SF% (13th)  50.9 SCF% (11th)  7.7 SH% (15th)  .930 SV% (5th)

Special Teams: 18.7 PP% (17th)  84.7 PK% (4th)

 

Everything Else

Your Friends And Neighbors – ’17-’18 NHL Team Previews: Shake It, Madam

By 1784

I know you’re not going to believe this, but a Barry Trotz-coached team wasn’t able to get past the second round. And I know you’re not going to believe that the Washington Capitals, despite having the deepest team in the league by some distance and probably the best team they’ve ever had, couldn’t get past the Pittsburgh Penguins in a Game 7. But hey, they didn’t lead 3-1 this time! Now the Capitals have to see if they can try and scale the mountaintop again as something other than the favorite, with a slightly stripped-down roster. Actually, if you’ll allow me, the Capitals are being booked probably the way Roman Reigns should have been. They were at the top, everything was set for them, and they failed. And now they have to go through it again, with the most amount of doubt from the hockey world and within the organization themselves. They don’t even know if they can do it, or will ever be able. They have to overcome themselves even more than what’s on the other bench. Might being just outside the center of focus be exactly what they need? The Auld Enemy is almost certainly going to be waiting in Round 2, once again.

Washington Capitals

’16-’17 Record: 55-18-8  118 points (1st in Metro, out in 2nd round)

Team Stats 5v5: 51.8 CF% (4th)  52.0 SF% (3rd)  52.1 SCF% (6th)  9.1 SH% (2nd)  .937 SV% (1st)

Special Teams: 23.1 PP% (3rd)  83.8 PK% (7th)

Everything Else

If It’s A Day That Ends In -y, Hockey Players And Fans Must Be Bitching

By 1918

Y’know, for a sport where both players and fans can’t wait to tell you just how tough and manly they are, and how tough and manly you aren’t when you point out that anything they’re saying doesn’t make an ounce of sense, they sure do whinge a lot. And it really doesn’t take much for them to do so. Even the slightest change in rules, or coverage, or even an interpretation of said rules, and you get everyone losing their mud.

So this preseason, because we have no evidence that this sort of thing will actually carry in to the regular season and have a strong hunch it won’t, the league is trying to change the ways it enforces faceoffs and slashing penalties.

And it’s led to stuff like this. Or this. Or this. Or this. And believe me, I could keep going. Preseason games started three days ago, by the way.

All it would take is the least amount of foresight from anyone involved to see what the league is doing here. The problem is foresight is territory for people who can reason and read. Those people do not find hockey to be much of a bastion.

Everything Else

Your Friends And Neighbors – ’17-’18 NHL Team Previews: The Champ Is Here

By 1589

For the first time in 19 years, a team will enter this NHL season twice-defending champions. The Pittsburgh Penguins will look to be the first team to win three in a row since some team called the Islanders did it in the 80s. We’ll forgive you if you’ve never heard of them. The Penguins still have the star power at the top of the roster to be a hard out for anyone come April and May. And unlike some previous champs, like one in this area code, they haven’t had to completely erode their depth in a deal with the devil for silverware.

Pittsburgh Penguins

’16-’17 Record: 50-21-11 111 points (2nd in Metro, won it all)

Team 5v5 Stats: 50.1 CF% (16th)  51.3 SF% (6th)  52.6 SCF% (6th)  8.5 SH% (5th)  .926 SV% (8th)

Special Teams: 23.1 PP% (4th)  79.8 PK% (20th)

Everything Else

Your Friends And Neighbors – ’17-’18 NHL Team Previews: And F— New York, Too

By 1791

We could have written the same preview for the New  York Rangers for at least the last three years, probably the last five, maybe the last ten. They’ll get more TV and press time due to their locale and Original Six status, but this is the same collection of small, quick, faceless forwards who don’t quite do enough in front of a top-heavy blue line that’s slightly better than it was but the bottom sucks so hard so who cares and all in front of an aging Henrik Lundqvist who will remain handsome but not able to bring this team through. The most interesting thing about the Rangers was that run-on sentence I just produced. And we do this every year. One day, maybe the Rangers will have a center. I’m just sure I’ll be incontinent by the time it happens.

New York Rangers

’16-’17 Record: 48-28-6  102 points (4th in Metro, lost to Ottawa in 2nd round after beating Montreal)

Team Stats 5v5: 47.9 CF% (25th)  48.6 SF% (24th)  48.4 SCF% (23rd) 8.8 SH% (4th)  .923 SV% (18th)

Special Teams: 20.2 PP% (11th)  79.8 PK% (18th)

Everything Else

Your Friends And Neighbors – ’17-’18 NHL Team Previews: Future Islands (A Band And Team You Should Have No Use For)

By 1802

Once again, almost all of the talk about the New York Islanders won’t have much to do with what goes on on the ice. There’s going to be tons of stories about where they’re going to move, because clearly sticking in Brooklyn isn’t going to work (who knew a building built for basketball wouldn’t attract a fanbase that is still mostly based an hour away, nor could they generate a following amongst Brooklyn residents who are more concerned with finding a vinyl copy of that album with the girl who plays a theremin with cat). When it’s not that, it’ll be whether they’re trading John Tavares or where he might go as a free agent if they don’t. Or if he’ll stay (he won’t). And sadly for the twelve Islanders fans that are left, the product on the ice isn’t likely to be nearly enough to distract from all of this.

New York Islanders

’16-’17 Record: 41-29-12  94 points  (5th in Metro)

Team Stats 5v5: 47.7 CF% (28th)  49.0 SF% (22nd)  46.0 SCF% (29th)  8.8 SH% (3rd)  .918 SV% (24th)

Special Teams: 14.9 PP% (28th)  81.9 PK% (11th)

Everything Else

Your Friends And Neighbors – ’17-’18 NHL Team Previews: Springsteen And Bon Jovi Suck

By 1805

I’ll name it that because A) It’s true and B) I don’t know what the hell else we would talk about when it comes to New Jersey. Certainly not their hockey team, and certainly not the ambience. But I guess that’s our lot in life, so we’ll address Nico Hishier, Taylor Hall (for the 50 games he’s actually upright for), and whatever the hell else isn’t wearing green and red like they should be.

NEW JERSEY DEVILS

’16-’17 Record: 28-40-14  70 points (dead-ass last in the Metro)

Team Stats 5vs: 47.8 CF% (27th)  47.4 SF% (26th)  47.7 SCF% (26th)  6.2 SH% (28th)  .924 SV% (14th)

Special Teams: 17.5 PP% (22nd)  79.6 SV% (23rd)

Everything Else

Your Friends And Neighbors – ’17-’18 NHL Team Previews: Our Special Boy… And Whoever Else

By 1684

Fitting after doing Toronto yesterday (and boy are our hips and hamstrings sore!), we move to the Metro Division and start with a team that might be Toronto minus one or two years, and somewhat doing it in reverse. The Carolina Hurricanes certainly have the blue line of a true contender. Now they’ve added at worst a representative goalie. The question is do they have the hosses up front to make some noise in the East’s tougher division? And is Teuvo Teravainen the best Hurricane right now? Or the best one ever?

Carolina Hurricanes

’16-’17 Record: 36-31-15  87 points (7th in the Metro)

Team Stats: 51.1 CF% (6th)  50.4 SF% (16th)  50.7 SCF% (13th)  7.3 SH% (2oth) .912 SV% (29th)

Special Teams: 17.7 PP% (21st)  84.2 PK % (6th)