Everything Else

Blah Blah Blah: Predators at Hawks Game 2 Preview/Rug Cleaning

By 1723

 vs. 

Preds lead 1-0

PUCK DROP: 7pm Central

TV: NBC 

WHY DID YOU KILL THAT BIRD, ASSHOLE?: On The Forecheck

Projected Lineups

It’s almost as if it’s scripted these days. We’ve seen it before. Whatever playoff game the opponent simply packs it in their zone, traps just outside the offensive blue line, crowds their own crease, and we hear all the same things from the Hawks and the media covering them. “Traffic.” “Take away his eyes.” “Be harder (PHRASING).” “Annette Frontpresence.”

And it’s not that all of this is wrong. It’s just that you wouldn’t hear any of it if Anisimov isn’t rusty and buries one or two of his chances, or a shot into that said traffic bounces onto someone’s stick or past Rinne. It’s not like the Hawks have to make massive changes, and we don’t know if the Predators will or not either.

Everything Else

Boots & Boys: Predators 1 – Hawks 0 (Preds lead series 1-0)

By 1715

Box Score

Natural Stat Trick

In the aftermath of this one, and even really during it, I saw a lot of citing of how much time the Hawks had off, combined with not even really trying in the last week, and how bad they are when they get a lot of rest. I don’t know that this is really a viable excuse. After all, the Preds had to keep trying throughout the season and they capped it off by losing to the fucking Jets. But we’ve been down this road with the Hawks before, including against this very team seven years ago. The Hawks are rarely totally sharp in a Game 1 in the first round, and couldn’t save this one tonight even though it was sitting there like a pig on a spit. The Preds almost certainly won’t be so lucky next time.

But we did learn some things tonight.

Everything Else

Nothing But A Lotta Talk And A Badge: Hawks 0 – Ducks 4

By 1416

I bet before Quenneville decided to rest everyone that matters save The Fun Boys and Kruger and a handful of others–and if the Hawks’ cap space and travel situation would have allowed it they would have iced the entire Hogs team–he looked ahead and saw that the Hawks would be playing a game that didn’t matter to them but did matter to the Ducks. And once he saw that I’m sure he knew that this game was going to involve a far too high level of bullshit that there would be no reason to subject his veterans to. I’m sure he told Toews that he can’t risk putting him out there to deal with any Kesler ridiculousness and losing him for any game that matters. Don’t need any of the top three d-men taking Perry slashes to the ankles, and so on.

And so it played out, the Ducks proving why they would be the most detestable organization in the league if anyone every bothered to remember they exist. This is a team that’s now won it’s division five straight seasons, and do you even give a shit? Of course you don’t, because it never matters in the end. The only time you think about them is when they prove time and time again that the lessons they learned from winning in 2007 have nothing to do with the two Hall of Famers they had on the blue line, the real reason they won. They’re still under the impression that GRIT and HITZ and TOUGHNESS and FAAAARRRRTTTT is currency in this league, which is how they end up re-hiring a giant pimple who can’t make toast as coach.

Everything Else

Kids Of The Blackhole – Blackhawks at Ducks Preview, Remote Support Session

By 1742

 at 

Game Time:  9:00PM CDT
TV/Radio: CSN, NBCSN, WGN-AM 720
Ixnay On The Hombre: Anaheim Calling

Like a buoyant High Life hangover turd in a port-o-john at a summer street festival, the Anaheim Ducks have somehow floated their way to the top of the Pacific Division, and have an opportunity to clinch the division yet again for the fifth straight year should they win in any fashion tonight and San Jose beats the Oilers. What a time to be alive.

Everything Else

Orgasm Addict: Stars 2 – Hawks 2 (Hawks win Shadowrun)

By 1210

Box Score

Natural Stat Trick

“Well, you tried it just for once found it all right for kicks
But now you found out that it’s a habit that sticks”

For the third game in a row the Hawks couldn’t raise their give-a-fuck level much beyond tepid against one of the products of the league’s sludge factory. And once again they came out of it with points, this time maximum. Only a possible goalie-interference denied them six points out of six from three games that they played as a bar bet. It’s a neat trick if you can pull it off. With the win the Hawks move eight points up on the the Zack Wyldes with nine games to play. They’re almost dormie!

This isn’t one that anybody would use as an example of what the sport can be. The Hawks weren’t bothered, the Stars didn’t seem interested in anything more than getting to the end of the season quicker. It was like an exchange at a 4am bar where the invitation to go home together is out there but the other party realizes they’re too drunk and stupid to do much good if they take it (just me?). The Hawks surrendered 40+ shots again to a team they shouldn’t be doing that against, but we’ll chalk it up to late season, nothing-to-play-for malaise than anything structural or worth worrying about.

As he’s been most of the season, Crawford was able to bail the Hawks out. Because that’s a thing he does.

Let’s clean it up:

Everything Else

In Touch With Some Reality Beyond The Gilded Cage: Hawks 1 – Leafs 1 (Hawks win Stickball)

By 1340

Box Score

Natural Stat Trick

The Hawks tried something new tonight. After getting decked on the shot-board the past three games and asking Crawford and Darling to go Barnum and Bailey to get them two points, they methodically controlled the Leafs, who of the past four opponents contained the most high-end finish and thus could have made the Hawks pay for their wayward ways. Although this time the Hawks were trailing early, and thus had to chase a bit until Hayden equalized.

A third period that saw both teams go for it early and then look at each other and say, “You good with overtime?”, gave way to an exciting if not artificial OT where Hartmania ran wild on the Leafs, faking out Andersen from the circle to beat him to the stick side. And with that, the Hawks are now five points up in the division, thanks to their best March under Joel Quenneville.

Let’s clean it up:

Everything Else

Doing 180 On The Don Valley Parkway – Hawks at Maple Leafs Preview, Mandatory Family Function

By 1771

 at 

Game Time: 6:00PM CDT
TV/Radio: CSN, CBC, CITY, WGN-AM 720
Jeff Veillette and Steve Glynn Are Terrifying: Pension Plan

Sure, the Hawks have improbably vaulted themselves into basically a game and a half lead in the central as they close out their eastern Canadian swing tonight in the Dark Center Of The Universe that is Toronto, but they haven’t done it the right way. They take on too many shots, even though that’s a result of having leads, they capitalize on power plays, and they do so while paying players more than their entry level contract. All of these things are instantly disqualifiers for actual success, which is truly indicated by how much cap space a team has at the end of the year, thrown into a pivot chart against their possession stats and 5v5 goal differential, along with some other stupid fucking stats Steve Burtch made up in a craven, desperate, and pathetic attempt to get hired. And naturally, the Leafs are succeeding by all of those measures, and all the good stuff is because of Kyle Dubas (who shielded sex criminal players on the junior team he was GM for), and all the bad stuff is because of Lou Lamoriello. This is how Maple Leafs hockey works.

Everything Else

Trying To Find A Balance – Wild vs. Hawks Preview, Daylight Savings Spring Ahead

By 1391

 vs 

Game Time: 11:30AM CDT
TV/Radio: NBC, TVA-S, WGN-AM 720
Makes No Sense At All: Hockey Wilderness

Late season, weekend matinee games suck out loud regardless of the two teams involved. The thought process behind having them is clear, with both college and pro football shuttered for their respective seasons, and baseball yet to move north from Arizona and Florida, there is a void that can be filled by the Winter Tenants for viewership when there’s really only Law & Order: SVU reruns on elsewhere. But the vast majority of hockey games are played at night, and professional hockey players, like all athletes, enjoy their ya-ha time after a game and generally keep later hours. There is always at least a 24 hour break going into them so it’s not totally cutting into physical recuperation the way Thursday Night Football does, but circadian rhythms are still fucked with, and now past the deadline there are many teams who are just playing out the string. Couple that with the overall quality of the league due to a flat salary cap, and it’s left an absolute dogshit product on the ice on par with Thursday Night Football by any absolute or relative measure. And on top of that Daylight Savings just kicked in, so now two teams who at least on paper who are still jockeying for the top spot in the Central and the West, are effectively facing off at 10:30AM local time, all for the sake of courting viewers that the NHL is never going to grab. Nice work everyone.

Everything Else

Doused In Mud, Soaked In Bleach: Blues 2 – Hawks 4

By 1366

Box Score

Natural Stat Trick

I know that NBCSN wanted to position this game as some important late-season clash, with a lot on the line. We know there wasn’t. And really, tonight was an excellent example of how the Blues have no idea what it is they want to be, and how they want to go being about whatever it is they think they are. The Hawks simply kicked them to shits in the first period. and if it wasn’t for Jay Gallon and Trevor van Riemsdyk, the Hawks could have been up a touchdown. Like we’ve seen a lot of over the past couple years, they spent the second period playing with their food, and gave up a tying goal. And then when they wanted to be serious again, they smothered the Blues and eventually got their deserved winner. This was as elementary as it gets, and just about a pure demonstration of what the Hawks and Blues “rivalry” has been for nine years now when the Hawks have given even the slightest fuck and had a roster even close to matching.

Everything Else

Beautiful Garbage: Yotes 3 – Hawks 6

By 1400

Box Score

Natural Stat Trick

Coming into this one, you had a feeling it could get weird in some way. Not unlike heading into Exit on a weekend night. The Hawks had labeled the Yotes once at the UC, and then played out some absurdist shit out in the desert where the Hawks were clearly trying to get out with two points with the minimum amount of effort and let the Yotes back into it constantly. It’s a wonder Crawford doesn’t wield a butterfly knife at his defense on nights like this, because Darling never sees this kind of negligence.

And tonight fit the bill, as the Hawks pretty much scored at will but also couldn’t locate a fuck to give in their own zone if it had blinking lights and an airhorn on it for the first 20 minutes, if not 40. But against what is basically a hybrid NHL-AHL team, you can do that. Especially when Mike Smith is looking for the Phantom Tollbooth.

Let’s clean it up: