WHAT IN THE HOLY FUCK IS THIS???!!!!

Corsica

This game adequately proved why the NHL will always be a Riot Fest porta-potty to the rest of the sports-watching world. On the 20^th anniversary of The Big Lebowski, it’s appropriate to say that we’re all nihilists. We believe in nothing. To the bullets of this garbage display from the worst sports league on Earth.

– Let’s get to it. At first, the Saad no goal looked like the right call. He made a kicking motion. It was obvious. But our Fearless Leader made a good point over on Twitter dot com, saying that unless the NHL had conclusive evidence that the puck DIDN’T touch Saad’s stick, the goal ought to have stayed good. And that IS the rule. The call on the ice ought to stand unless there’s conclusive evidence otherwise.

All the original angles didn’t really give any indication. But living in Colorado, I had front row seats for the Colorado feed, which had an overhead angle of the goal. If you watch the video, it’s pretty clear that the puck touches Saad’s stick on its way over. So once again, the NHL can’t zip a pair of fucking sweatpants without getting its dick caught in a zipper that only they would have on a pair of fucking sweatpants.

But the most unbelievable thing about all of this is that THE NHL WAR ROOM DIDN’T HAVE THAT ANGLE. How the FUCK DOES THE WAR ROOM NOT HAVE THAT ANGLE? As a multi-billion dollar league. As a league that says over and over again that it wants to be taken seriously. As a league that waters down each and every team for the sake of faux parity to get casual fans to watch their Burger-King-toilet-after-a-cocaine-and-soft-cheese binge of a product because anyone who’s anyone knows what a burning orphanage the NHL is. How do you not have that angle?

This is a game with playoff implications for the Avalanche. Granted, the call ended up going for them, but isn’t the whole premise of the NHL that “our playoffs are the best”? And you want to overturn calls that shouldn’t be overturned because the people who make the decisions on that call don’t have the one fucking angle they need, an angle that the broadcasters for the Avalanche—who work out of the backroom of one of the 69,000 dispensaries we have on each and every fucking corner of this state—did? On what fucking planet is that acceptable?

The NHL’s integrity on things off the ice has always been a used condom dangling over a chicken-processing-plant’s open-top dumpster after a long, hard summer rain, so it’s fitting that its on-ice product, which when done right is as fulfilling as cunnilingus on top of an ice cream cake, has begun to reflect that. I hope the next strike never ends.

Fuck the NHL. Eat Arby’s.

– OK, now that that’s done, let’s talk about the Blackhawks. Connor Murphy had an exemplary game, and has supplanted Duncan Keith as the Hawks’s #1 D-Man in my view. His only boner was the penalty he took in the second that led to MacKinnon’s goal, and it was a bad penalty. But aside from that, he shut the MacKinnon line down, which is no small feat. He was also the calming presence on the ice, as Keith consistently found himself turning the puck over in his own zone. It’s neat and bittersweet to watch a changing of the guard on one pairing.

– We give Erik Gustafsson an awful lot of shit for sucking at defense, but I see offensive upside when he’s on the ice with Garbage Dick. On his goal, he was trying to make a saucer pass to Kane, who was wide open on the far side for a tip. It happened to go off Nemeth’s skate, but it also looked on target for Kane. Then in the second, he made another quality pass that Kane tipped and Varlamov managed to stick away. If you look at Gustafsson as an offensive defenseman, the extension might make a bit more sense.

– Brandon Saad was an unstoppable force tonight. Despite getting his dick punched on that shitty, inexcusable overturned goal, he was everywhere tonight. He drove the net with power several times, most noticeably in the first and second. He ended the night with a 58+ CF%, and the last time I checked in the second—because I was too goddamn furious to watch the third—he was hovering in the 70s or 80s.

– My Cousin Vinnie does just about everything except score these days. He was on the plus-side of the CF% ledger, and had two particularly good plays. The first was about midway through the first period. He took the puck through the neutral zone, then lost it. Instead of panicking, he skillfully lifted the defender’s stick, took the puck, and continued on like nothing happened.

In the third, he completed a gorgeous Spin-o-Rama to get the puck to a streaking DeBrincat, who caught some bad luck in Varlamov and couldn’t put it away. Still, you have to like what you’re seeing out of a confident Vinnie.

– J-F Berube was outstanding tonight. There’s not much he can do about MacKinnon’s goal, with MacKinnon being a Hart candidate standing alone on Seabrook’s side on the PK and Seabrook being Seabrook. He ended up with 33 saves on 34 shots against a team desperate for points on a playoff drive. He’s only had three games—two great and one statistical stinker—but hell if he’s not making a case to be the backup.

The NHL is a toilet. The officials are horseshit. The war room is an affront. But the Hawks won, and The Big Lebowski is on somewhere, so we’ll call it a win.

Beer du Jour: Tommyknocker Blood Orange, followed by straight pulls from the Jefferson’s bottle.

Line of the Night: “They had no overhead. At both ends . . . or one of the ends . . . so they can’t use it.” –Peter McNab, describing why Saad’s goal got overturned.

Everything Else

Game #64 – Let The Bottle Do The Work To Ease The Mind And Soothe The Hurt – Hawks 2, SHA-ARKS 7

By John Pullega March 2, 2018 2097 0

Like a Crave Crate, the Hawks were great through the first five. The rest was a blackout of shit, snot, and puke. There’s not much to learn from a drubbing like this, but let’s see what we can find. Sometimes there’s a penny in those sliders. To the bullets.

– J-F Berube, despite giving up six goals through two periods, didn’t look terrible. The only goal that was really on him was Vlasic’s “fuck you” at the end of the second, but at that point, his confidence is shot. No use keeping him out there. He managed to look good when he wasn’t getting hung out to dry, but those moments were few and far between.

– Carl Dahlstrom looked like a guy who’s played fewer than 10 games in his career tonight. He was directly responsible for the Sharks’s first three goals. On the first, he made a questionable pinch with Schmaltz near the puck after Highmore Salvador Dali’ed a shot off the far boards, running into Schmaltz and kicking the puck straight to Pavelski, who started an unbelievably pretty passing cycle with Donskoi and Burns.

The second was a complete circus. Gustafsson passed into Vinnie’s skates, and while Gustafsson tried to recover, Dahlstrom got caught starting to leave the zone early. He then set a pick on Toews, allowing the puck to squirt past a falling Gustafsson for a 2-on-0 that Berube had no chance on. It was Dahlstrom’s bad positioning that set that goal up.

On the third, Dahlstrom took a shot from the blue line that Labanc blocked, then got out raced by Labanc. After the initial rush failed, Dahlstrom floated to his off side to cover after Gustafsson hit the ice to block Labanc’s original attempt, then seemed to fall asleep, letting Tierney behind him and Gustafsson, who slid a quick pass past a confused Gustafsson to a wide open Labanc.

I’m willing to write this off as simply a bad game from a young player, and I hope that Dahlstrom can grow into positional awareness. But tonight was not one for his reel.

– Dahlstrom was noticeably awful, but the Hawks’s D-corps looked bad as a whole. Keith took a retaliatory penalty late in the second after Sorensen overpowered him with a semi-slash. Connor Murphy fell down a few times and was embarrassed by Timo Meier’s speed in the first. Jordan Oesterle tipped a puck into his own net after a Goodrow pass attempt from behind the net. While Oesterle had some bad luck on that tip, no one on the backend stood out, and for a team that relies as heavily on plays coming from the backend as the Hawks do, this is about the result you’d expect out of the effort.

– On the plus side, Duclair looked spry, even though he couldn’t finish a 1-on-0 in the second or his penalty shot in the third. He had the worst 5v5 CF% of all Hawks though, for what that’s worth on a complete blowout.

– Alex DeBrincat continues to impress. He had a few prime opportunities that Jones stuffed him on, but it’s still a joy to watch him get to all the right spots. At some point, he’s going to play with Schmaltz and Kane regularly, which ought to start tapping into his potential more directly. You’d like to see it now, but Q’s line choices continue to be a mystery.

– Matthew Highmore debuted tonight and did about as much as you could expect. His far-too-wide shot in the first triggered the Sharks’s first goal following Dahlstrom’s misguided pinch, but he was also in decent position for a tip off a DeBrincat wrister from the high slot in the second. He didn’t make the tip, but he had the right idea. Not much to take away from him tonight, but he wasn’t a complete zoo.

Games like these make it hard to say “everything will be better next year when Crawford comes back.” While Corey definitely is the difference maker, the Hawks have some huge questions to answer on defense going forward. It’s frustrating to watch this team have no answers, but that’s the kind of year it’s been. Take it on the chin and move forward is the plan.

At this point, all you can do is look for development and improvement from the younger guys. Tonight saw DeBrincat look great, Schmaltz look good, and Duclair look outstanding at times. The rest may have been garbage, but there are positives strewn among this shit.

We’ve got 17 more games to see what we’re doing going into the off-season. Onward.

Beer du Jour: Jefferson’s Whiskey with a High Life back.

Line of the Night: “Quite a debut for Matthew Highmore. He won’t forget his first NHL game.” – Chris Cuthbert, with the Hawks down 7–1.

Everything Else

Game #57 – What happens here stays here, except this has happened everywhere – Hawks 2, Knights 5

By Adam Hess February 14, 2018 2790 0

The Blackhawks visited Sin City tonight, and what they did in the third period was certainly sinful. That sentence sucked let’s just get to the bullets:

– Overall I actually didn’t think this was that bad of a hockey game on the Hawks part, especially given the lineup Q went with. I will give him immense credit for finally laying his pride down and scratching Jordan Oesterle, but he went two moves too far in scratching Duclair and Hinostroza to re-introduce Sharp and Hartman to the lineup. I understand that something had to be done after yesterday’s shellacking at the hands of an ECHL team, but Duclair and Hinostroza have both been damn near excellent since they’ve been in the lineup. It would have made immensely more sense to swap out Bouma and Wingels, but instead Wingels somehow found himself on the top line and Bouma still got to hold DeBrincat back. My only possible excuse for this lineup construction is that Q is either trying to get fired or really wants to coach Rasmus Dahlin next year.

– To stay on the last bullet for one more beat, part of me wonders if keeping Bouma and Wingels in the lineup, and putting them with good players, isn’t part of a directive from above as they continue to dangle those two in trade talks. You’re not gonna get much for either, but then again Brandon Bollig got you a third round pick a few years ago. Nothing wrong with trying to pump those tires a bit more before you try to sell them. Then again, it could just be Q doing what Q does. Neither would surprise me.

– We know that the defense and goaltending have been major issues, but tonight was another indication of how bad the offense has been as well. CSN had a graphic last night showing how the Blackhawks have scored the least goals in the NHL since January 10, and tonight was another really tough showing for them. They never really got any really good chances, and certainly not as many as they gave up to the Knights. But with another 2-goal game, they’ve managed to score more than a pair of goals just three games since Jan. 10 and just seven times since The New Year. So there’s more too it than just the bad defense and goaltending. However…

– The bad defense and goaltending really proved to be their undoing in this game, and especially the third period. The Hawks took a 2-1 lead into the third, and while it didn’t feel like the most secure lead in the world, it was still a lead. They gave up a PP goal to bring the game level, which I’m willing to forgive them for because the Knights moved the puck really well to open a shooting lane and Glass had two bodies screening him. But then Erik Gustafsson left the whole slot wide open for Reilly Smith to walk in and fire, and the GWG was had. And then to really finish things off, after a turnover in the neutral zone, Glass let a shot by him that he definitely should not have, and any glimmer of a comeback was dashed away. And what’s sad is that, as Sam has pointed out on Twitter over the past few nights, people got so used to complaining about Crawford every time he didn’t completely steal a game for them, that they didn’t even know what really bad goaltending looked like. And this is it, in all its glory.

– John touched on this yesterday, but it bears repeating after his performance again tonight – Alex DeBrincat’s ability to elevate the bad players around him is truly special. He was with Hartman and Bouma for a good portion of the night and ended up with Sharp at times as well. And yet he was able to create some pretty good offense and still found the back of the net after he and Sharp showed a little persistence. It wasn’t the best game overall for Top Cat – his Corsi wasn’t good and he was also the culprit on the turnover before Vegas’ fourth goal – but he’s showing that he’s a special player and he is going to be really good for this team moving forward.

– We’re one step closer to Rasmus Dahlin, folks. Always find the silver lining.

Everything Else

Game #56 – I’ve Woken Up, I’m In Our Bed, But There’s No Breathing Body There Beside Me – Hawks 1, Coyotes 6

By John Pullega February 12, 2018 2506 0

Tonight’s effort killed whatever sliver of hope there was left for a playoff run this year. I could go on about how the numbers say the Hawks should have won, or point to the fact that the team shot 2% tonight despite taking 38 shots, but it doesn’t matter. All we could have asked for was an effort, and aside from two players, what we got was one of the saddest displays of Blackhawks hockey in recent memory.

There’s more to clean up than we have time for, but let’s try. To the bullets.

– It’s been a long, long time since Hawks fans have had to deal with this kind of answerless floundering. I find that when that happens, the best you can do is look to the positives. And one of the shining beams of hope for next year and beyond is, without a doubt, Alex DeBrincat. Despite playing with the somehow-dangling-trade-bait that are Bouma and Wingels, DeBrincat showcased the skill that is going to make him a star in this league. He was the only consistently noticeable Hawks forward tonight, making plays by himself and scoring the Hawks’s lone goal.

If the point of having him on a line with Bouma and Wingels was to make them look good, mission accomplished. And if you’re into palace intrigue, DeBrincat made mention of how the team had to “come out ready to play” against a team like Arizona during the second intermission. It’s both encouraging and disheartening to hear a 20-year-old rookie have to state the obvious with such obvious frustration and implied responsibility, but it’s been that kind of year.

– The other bright spot tonight was Erik Gustafsson. He found himself QB’ing the power play after Jordan Oesterle turned back into Jordan Oesterle, and he managed to look decent doing it. His entries were passable, at the very least. He also had a few aggressive pinches that make you think he might have some offensive instincts, and even rang a shot off the post late in the second.

– Now, to the bad. Let’s start with the obvious: The third goal allowed by Forsberg was not only the dagger for the game but also the season. After he let a horrid-angle shot slip under his legs, you could see everyone but DeBrincat and Gustafsson shrug and wonder whether the losing streak will apply to the tables after tomorrow night’s game. Glass Jeff was no better, but what did you expect? Makes you long for the days when the worst we had to deal with was laughing at the jamokes who said Crawford had a weak glove hand.

– If Jordan Oesterle doesn’t sit tomorrow, I’m kicking whoever’s driving the FIRE Q bandwagon out of the seat and flooring that fucker straight down Madison St. with my bare red ass blowing farts until someone answers my call. His complete disregard for the basic tenets of defensiveness led directly to the first two goals. On the first goal, after Anisimov lost the faceoff into his skates, Schmaltz managed to find the puck. He reached his stick out to poke it to Oesterle, who somehow overskated it, leaving Rieder all alone to streak behind the goal, pass it out to Chychrun, whose shot deflected off Domi and in. On the second, he set up Keller just perfectly by ringing a pass directly to his stick behind the net. He had a nice 20-game run or whatever it was, but at the end of the day, Jordan Oesterle couldn’t cut it on an Edmonton team who thought Adam Larsson was an equivalent comp for Taylor Hall. It’s time to quit sniffing the model airplane glue, Q.

– Speaking of firing Q, tonight was the first night where I seriously thought about who’s going to replace him after this year. This isn’t to say that Q is a bad coach, or that he will go down in Hawks lore as anything but the legend he is. But the kind of failure we’re seeing is probably going to require a bigger fish than Mike Kitchen to be sacrificed. Whether that’s fair is another question for another time, but tonight’s effort was the exclamation point on the most disappointing year the Hawks have had during this dynasty run, and it’s easier to fire a coach to send a message than just about anything else.

I wish I had answers for you all. I know that “Team shooting percentage is way down” doesn’t make this year suck any less. I know that hearkening back to all the Cups this team has won won’t make this year just go away. But while this year might be a lost cause, there are still a bunch of young players to watch as the year closes, including DeBrincat, Duclair, Gustafsson, Kampf, Vinnie, Murphy, and yes, even the ghostly Brandon Saad. I still contend that, based on the numbers, this is simply a terribly unlucky year compounded by losing the best player they have in Corey Crawford. Blowing up this roster would be a fool’s errand.

That said, you feel that after an effort like tonight, or like this year in general, there are going to be some paradigm-shifting changes on the horizon.

I’m here for it. We’re here for it. Join us, won’t you?

Beer du Jour: High Life.

Line of the Night: “Let’s see if they can keep it in . . . Nope.” –Foley, describing a power play.

Everything Else

Game #54 – No One Speaks English And Everything’s Broken, And My Stacies Are Soaking Wet – Hawks 2, Stars 4

By John Pullega February 8, 2018 2272 0

The Hawks, in the words of the inimitable Tom Waits, are a battered old suitcase to a hotel someplace, and a wound that will never heal. To the bullets.

– Brent Seabrook had a positively wonderful game tonight. His pass on Toews’s goal channeled 2013, and his purposely wide shot on Arty the One Man Party’s PP tally was a tangible example of the excellent passing we’ve always loved about him. Plus, his Corsi was a robust 67+ at 5v5. It’s no coincidence that he played the second-fewest minutes of all Hawks D-Men at evens, ahead only of Kempný. I don’t know about you, but even with the Hawks losing, I took solace in watching Seabrook play well. Like hot spiked cider on a cold, unforgiving winter’s night.

– The same can’t be said about Jordan Oesterle. He had a nice run coming out of the press box cold for a while, but the magic beans he’d been consuming to give him that extra giddy-up have gone stale. His turnover behind his own net let Stephen “One of the Ones Who Got Away” Johns do his best Russ Tyler impression, burying a knuckler—that Oesterle himself may have set the screen on—from the blue line for the Stars’s second goal in less than a minute. He also had a couple of miscues in the third that ended up not doing any direct damage, but did lead to extended pressure for the Stars early in the third with the Hawks down one. Despite this, and his 44+ CF% on the night, he played more than anyone except Keith. This is your D-corps, folks.

– Anthony Duclair seemed half a step behind everything tonight. He whiffed on a wide-open shot off a Toews pass after stealing the puck from Pissbaby Benn late in the first. His turnover in his own zone led to the Stars’s first goal. From about midway through the second onward, he was a ghost. But his possession numbers were stellar (67+ CF%). He’s still got loads of potential and needs to stay up with DeBrincat and Toews, and eventually be re-signed.

– I want to be mad at Anton Forsberg, by my heart just isn’t in it. At the end of the day, he’s a backup goaltender on a team whose D-Men are either rapidly declining, still learning, or flat-out suck. There’s not much he can do on that first goal, with Radulov firing a perfect saucer pass to Tyler Seguin off the Duclair turnover. Having Oesterle screen him on Johns’s shot can sort of be forgiven. And yes, he needs to stop fucking Tyler Pitlick’s slapper at the end of the second. But then again, it’s perfectly fitting that a guy named Pitlick would score the game winner against the Hawks tonight, isn’t it?

– Connor Murphy started the game on the top pairing and looked pretty good doing it. His CF% of 54+ was inspiring. But he was on the ice for two goals. You can argue that he took a bad angle on the first goal, but given how often he’s been flipped and jerked around this year, it’d be a stretch. And we all saw the third goal: That’s on Forsberg. You’d like to see him get more time with Keith, but with the defensive carousel that Q is throttling into overdrive, it’s impossible to tell.

– Erik Gustafsson looks more like a 5-6 D-Man every night. He’s got decent vision with his passing too, at least when Kane’s on the ice with him. I’d be interested to see him with one of Rutta or Kempný at some point.

– David Kampf probably has a future as a bottom six defensive center. His stick checking was pristine tonight, and he won a few board battles to show off his strength.

– It was nice to see Toews score tonight. He also had a 73+ CF%. But he missed a yawning net in the first off a pass through the Royal Road from DeBrincat, either because he wasn’t expecting the pass or because his skate got caught. Microcosms.

– The chocolates and flowers for Tommy Wingels tonight were a bit much. Foley, Jammer, and Burish barely had time to come up for air between all the kisses they blew at him for TROWING HITS OUT DERE. He had one good hit in the third that separated the puck and drew a penalty, but other than that, I don’t get it. He janked an uncontested rebound off the far post and did nothing other than hit guys the rest of the night. I understand the frustration over this team this year. I understand that we don’t really have any answers. But this whole DA FIRE AND DA PASHUN garbage is already wearing thin. Hits have never been the answer for this team, and they sure as shit aren’t the answer now.

– Brandon Saad did not have a good game, again. He logged a 48+ CF% with Schmaltz and Vinnie. He did set up a few good chances that went unanswered. Like all of you, I want to see him come out of his funk. He’s probably best served playing with Schmaltz and Kane again, but I get how it can be hard to justify it right now. At the end of the day, he’s a good player having both a down and unlucky year.

As it stands, this season is circling the drain. As it stands, the Hawks have good young talent on the front lines but not the back end. As it stands, without Corey Crawford, this team doesn’t have the firepower to make the playoffs. It’s frustrating, it’s out of the ordinary, and it’s hockey, baby.

Onward.

Boozes du Jour: Jefferson’s whiskey into High Life back into whiskey.

Line of the Night: “HIT SOMEONE.” –Adam Burish on how the Hawks could overcome a 3–2 deficit in the third (I usually love Burish, and I get the frustration, but it’s lazy).

Everything Else

Game #51 – Take Off Your Coat, It’s Gonna Be A Long Night – Hawks 2, Canucks 4

By John Pullega February 2, 2018 2603 0