Faxes from Uncle Dale

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Game #37 – Hawks vs. Oilers: Douchebag de Jour – Greek People Hate Milan Lucic and So Do I

By Rose Rankin December 29, 2017 2122 0

It is well covered on this fair blog how stupid and self-defeating the concept of GRIT and FART is in this league, and yet it persists because of players like Milan Lucic. Where people should be lampooning this guy for being an oaf and a menace, instead he’s got a “physical style of play.” My ass. If you make your name by fucking up unsuspecting players AND manage to fuck up yourself half the time while doing it (see: broke a finger while hitting a guy), you need to re-evaluate. Or more importantly, your team’s GM needs to re-evaluate.

Maxim Lapierre, Freddy Meyer, Ryan Miller—these are just some of the guys who have been cheap-shotted by Lucic over the years, often resulting in an injury (e.g., Miller’s concussion after Lucic steamrolled him in 2011). The fact that Miller called him, and I quote, “a gutless piece of shit” will forever endear Miller to me. But just a few games later, he pulled something similar with Zac Rinaldo, and yet what did all this result in? A one-game suspension. One. Fucking. Game. And it was for the Rinaldo hit, because the NHL had already made themselves look like total jackasses by letting the Miller hit slide.

And this is why these dumb ideas about tough guys still exist in this league. Prior to those dirty hits I just mentioned, Lucic was part of the Stanley Cup-winning Bruins in 2010-2011, and the shine from that cup hides all manner of sins, both on and off the ice (hello, Patrick Kane), and it blinds coaches, GMs, officials, and league staff to the pointlessness of this type of play. Did having Lucic act out short man fantasies and be Mr. Tough Guy really help the Bruins win? No, his 62 points that year did. But being able to score doesn’t require you to be a piece of shit. You only do that because 1. you want to and 2. you know you can get away with. And he does.

I’m not saying that Milan Lucic ruined Miller’s career or the careers of any of the other guys I mentioned (or all the other dirty hits not mentioned here), but if the NHL wants to act like they give a rat’s ass about player safety, this is exactly the type of guy who needs to be reined in. Letting assholes like Lucic run amok while claiming to care about concussion protocols proves that the proverbial emperor really has no clothes. And now I just pictured Gary Bettman with no clothes and I’m going to be sick.

Anyway, I just hope that Top Cat and Schmaltz can stay out of his orbit tonight because they’re just the type of fresh-faced youngsters this goon will go after.

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Game #37 – Hawks vs. Oilers: I Make A Lot Of Graphs

By Sam Fels December 29, 2017 2240 0

All stats at evens except where noted.

Game #37 Preview

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Game #37 – Hawks vs. Oilers: Lineups & How Teams Were Built

By Sam Fels December 29, 2017 1692 0

Note: Due to editor’s malfunctioning laptop, comments on Hawks’ lineup were not able to be performed. But you know what we would say anyway.

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Game #36 How Far Will We Fall If There’s Nothing Below – Hawks 2, Canucks 5

By Rose Rankin December 29, 2017 2402 0

Box Score

Natural Stat Trick

Corsica

A few days off, some time away with family members, a little breathing space—all of these things should have helped the Blackhawks to bounce back from two crappy losses, right? Wrong. The break clearly did little to cure what ails the Hawks right now. To the bullets:

– Anisimov went down with an injury early in the game, but I gotta tell you, I didn’t even see it. Suddenly, he was just gone. Maybe he tripped over his own wide dick and needed to ice it for a while. Who can say in this league where they tell you nothing? But what it led to was Q hitting the blender extra hard tonight. Unfortunately, it was mostly a shit smoothie that he got out of it. And should anyone be surprised? Throwing combinations of guys who haven’t played together and not even giving them three shifts to figure stuff out? I, for one, am shocked this isn’t working.

At first, we saw Kane-Schmaltz-DeBrincat, and I thought I might weep with joy. But nope, that didn’t last, although they did make a brief reappearance in the third. Next up was Kane-Toews-Saad (nothing doing). Then it was Kane-Schmaltz-Kampf (huh?). And in case you didn’t notice a pattern there, Garbage Dick led the team in ice time through two periods, and he finished second only to Keith by the end of the game. So clearly, Q has a lot of confidence in his supporting cast and it’s definitely sustainable to quadruple-shift Kane.

– The Gustav Forsling Experience needs to draw to a close. Seriously, he’s lost in his own zone, useless on special teams apparently, and thus generally worthless at this point. It’s especially poignant against the team from whence he came. Pairing him with Jan Rutta is aggravating the situation, as we saw for example on Vanek’s second goal where the two of them couldn’t find either one of their asses with any of their hands. I’m tired of sounding like the president of the Michal Kempny Fan Club over here, but this is getting ridiculous. And if Connor Murphy turns out to have a case of brown brain after Biega flattened him into the glass, we’d better not see Cody fucking Franson in his place.

– Continuing his run of worst luck in the NHL, Anton Forsberg played decently through much of the game until the wheels really fell off in the third. He could have stopped the first goal, but a bunch of the ones in the middle were due to his defense crapping the bed yet again. The second goal was the aforementioned Foreskin-Rutta defensive breakdown, and the third goal he was screened by Seabrook’s nacho-laden ass. Forsberg isn’t blameless in all this, don’t get me wrong, but he got little help defensively or offensively. Because also of note, the Hawks had five power plays and only converted on one.

– Ah, the power play. Still as shitty as before Christmas. For a moment it seemed like they got things figured out as Schmaltz and Kane’s positioning took advantage of their right hand/left hand combo. But the man advantage quickly returned to form as they couldn’t manage a zone entry on their next four power plays.

– I was interested to see wunderkid Brock Boeser in action, and lo and behold he had a goal and three assists. He and Thomas Vanek connected for three goals between them, and they both assisted on Gagner’s goal. Gee, it must be nice for a rookie with a hot hand to play with teammates that complement his skills while he also has the confidence of his coach.

– Despite one dumbass move on a power play, Ryan Hartman was pretty much the Hawks’ best player tonight (Nick Schmaltz and Patrick Kane could also make a case, I know). He was all over the ice, either repeatedly getting shoved into Markstrom, or more importantly keeping the puck in the zone while his linemates did everything they could to cough up control of it. He finished with a 77.8 CF%, which led the team, plus a pyrrhic goal at the end to make things look a little less pathetic.

– OK, so this isn’t directly game-related, but the Hawks have been running some promotion or attempt at a social media campaign called “Blackhawks Authentic Fan” which cracks me up because 1. we’re called Real Fans Program here so nice try, and 2. they’re using “BlackhawksAF” as the hashtag. I don’t know about you, but I don’t think of “authentic fan” when I see something as “af.” However, it’s actually perfect—we should take advantage of the description “Blackhaws as fuck.” To wit: That zone entry where they fell over the blue line and Saad and Hartman ran into each other? That was Blackhawks as fuck. Or: That power play where everyone stood in place doing jack shit? That was Blackhawks as fuck. So thank you, Hawks, for giving a description to the frustrating shit you pull night in and night out.

It’s obvious that every point counts, and that winning these games against the rest of the western dregs with whom we’re fighting for a wild card spot is damn near crucial. And yet, we’re picking up right where things left off. If a shitty Canucks team on a 3-game losing streak isn’t the antidote right now, then what is? Maybe the Oilers? We’ll find out soon enough.

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Tonight I’m Gonna Rock You Tonight – December 28th

By Sam Fels December 28, 2017 1264 0

First Screen Viewing

Bruins vs. Capitals – 6pm

Again, I may not understand it, but these are two of the six teams in the automatic spots in the East, and the Bruins have been possibly the best team in the league the past month. The only teams that can better their 8-1-1 mark over the last 10 are the Lightning, which are unfortunately for them in the same division, and the Knights Who Say Vegas, because hockey is stupid and weird and barely follows the laws of physics. Charlie MacAvoy just might be that good, Patrice Bergeron most certainly is, so that’s just where we are now. The Caps are the Caps, and are atop the handcuffed battle-royale that is the Metro Division. These aren’t the plodding Bruins anymore, so this one should get get get up and get get down…

Second Screen Viewing

Flames vs. Sharks – 9:30 pm

The Sharks, despite being three days older than water, sit third in the Pacific Division, patiently waiting for the Kings and Knights balloon to finally burst. Maybe it’s just not going to happen, maybe the Sharks don’t have the gumption to surge when it does, but whether they need to or not, there they are. The Flames are where they are, which is behind the Hawks in the wild card chase, because they don’t score much and Mike Smith has gotten worse every month. Which is pretty discouraging when the season still has three months plus to go. Still, the Flames might want to kick it into gear soon, as the Oilers are appearing in the rearview and considering how much laughing the southern half did at the northern half of Alberta, that would be quite the foot in the mouth/ass.

Other Games

Canadiens vs. Lightning – 6:30

Flyers vs. Panthers – 6:30

Maple Leafs vs. Coyotes – 8pm

Golden Knights vs. Kings – 9pm (Yes, I do refuse to take these teams seriously yet. Why do you ask?)

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Game #36 – Hawks vs. Canucks Preview/Car Wash: West Is That Way

By Sam Fels December 28, 2017 2056 0

vs.

RECORDS: Hawks 17-13-5 Canucks 15-17-5

PUCK DROP: 9pm

TV: NBCSN Chicago

CANADA’S WARMEST CITY: Nucks Misconduct

It’s not quite the new year yet. It’s not even halfway through the season yet. And yet, it feels like the Hawks have to turn a new leaf right now, that this is a pivot point to their season. They had a four-day break, they went into it with two losses that weren’t good, and now are staring up at a lot more than they’re used to. And it feels like if they don’t pick it up right here on this Western Canada swing, they’re going to be staring at the lights the rest of the season.

Let’s start with the Hawks, because they are not bereft of news. The big one, and the one with the potential to be the iceberg to this liner, is that Corey Crawford is back on IR. The Hawks aren’t saying what it is, they aren’t saying when it happened, and they aren’t saying how long he’ll be out. All of it convinces me it’s the same thing that put him on the shelf the first time and they don’t want to admit it. It felt rushed then, and it feels rushed now. And the Hawks had better hope it’s restricted to just a couple weeks. Any longer, and barring any miracles from Anton Forsberg, and the Hawks could feel some carp swimming around their knees in a hurry.

Remember, the Hawks give up the most attempts per game and are in the bottom-ten in shots against. So even if Forsberg is good, which he’s mostly been this season, the Hawks still might not get the goaltending their hit-and-miss offense. They’ve needed Crow to be THAT good to even get here. So either Forsberg does that, or the Hawks get goals from somewhere else other than Kane’s line, or…. well, I’m out of nautical/sinking references.

The other roster change was the call-up of David Kampf. The Hawks have a need at center, one they won’t address by moving Schmaltz there given what that line has done. Kampf might help, he’s not the end-all, be-all. For right now I’ll just rejoice that it moves either Hartman or Hinostroza back to a wing, and with Top Cat and Kampf that line would at least be really mobile. I don’t know what it does exactly, but whatever it does it’ll do it quickly. But the lineup could honestly look like anything at the start, and even more anything by the 2nd period. These three games will likely see Q throwing just about everything into the pot and hope he gets some flavor out of it. Peanut butter and basil? Why not?!

If the team needs a jump or a confidence-builder, then you can’t ask much more than getting the Canucks right out of the blocks. While they spasmed a hot start, the Canucks have sunk to near the bottom of the Pacific, where they were supposed to be in the first place. Their talent-level is only partially responsible, and their injury list is pretty much responsible for the rest of it. The Sedins are basically just DHs right now, as they never start anywhere but the offensive zone. They make that work, but they are heavily sheltered. The rest is picked up by Brock Boeser, who is the league’s leading rookie scorer and already has one of the best shots/releases in the game. He’s kept scoring even with Bo Horvat out, and now Sven Baertschi has joined him on the trainer’s table, it’ll be a challenge.

But past that this team can’t score, with the lowest total of goals in the conference. And now that Jacob Markstrom has realized who he is, their goaltending has become outhouse-filler. He’s been awful of late, giving up 15 goals in his last five starts and some of them truly terrible. He’s been losing his net and losing the puck, and if the Hawks can’t find a few goals tonight… you can finish this sentence.

The Canucks can’t do much about protecting their goalies either. Chris Tanev is hurt as well, Alex Edler is old and his leaping elbows are even older, and Erik Gudbranson is a cave troll without the weapons or mobility. Oh, and Michael Del Zotto is here to make Gustav Forsling look like Kevin Lowe in his prime in his own end. Thar be gaps here, matey.

The Hawks need this one. The Oilers are at least snapping back into some sort of shape even if it is too late. The Flames can be anything on a given night, but that can also mean completely kicking your ass. And the Hawks very well may need all three of these.

This will be something less than fun. We’ll get through it together.

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Game #36 – Hawks vs. Canucks: Spotlight – Children Of The Corn…Not In Blue?

By Sam Fels December 28, 2017 2116 0

It could be any color, really. But we’ll get to that.

This very well could be Daniel and Henrik Sedin’s last season. They’re both 37–strange how twins are the same age–, both are in the last year of their contracts, and it’s unclear whether both want to wait around for the Canucks to finally get a clue. While the Canucks might think they’re in the chase this year for a playoff spot, anyone with functioning neurons knows this team is going to, and should, finish up the track. Sadly for Canucks fans (if there are any left), those aforementioned neurons haven’t been terribly present in their front office of late.

While it might not be the numbers you remember, the Sedins are going out with something of a bang, if this indeed is to be it for them. Both have some of the best relative-Corsi marks and relative expected goals percentage of any forward in the league. That comes with something of a caveat. The Twins hardly ever start a shift anywhere but the offensive zone, and they no longer are allowed to face the tough competition they did back in their prime. But still, they’re making it count, and they look to set to top their outputs of last year (94 combined points, because with them you might as well always total them up together).

The Sedins are so entrenched in the Vancouver community, it’s impossible to imagine them playing anywhere else. They’ve certainly never expressed a desire to, though then again they’ve never expressed much of anything interesting. Kind of a Swedish thing, we take it. It may seem impossible to move them. You’d have to move them together, and they both make $7 million for this season. But given that at the deadline it would be less than $7 million combined on the cap, . the Sedins would have to just give the word. Another complication is that after last year’s Jannik Hansen deal, the Canucks can only retain salary on one of them.

But look at a team like Columbus. Their division sucks, or at least is a jumble. No one stands out. They have a nominal #1 center in Alex Wennberg, but are still playing Brandon Dubinsky as a #2 (in every sense). Slot the Sedins in behind Wennberg and Panarin, causing Dubes to slot to the #3 center, which is what he’s always been. Given their possession-game, couldn’t that light Atkinson’s or Anderson’s game up? Suddenly the Jackets have more punch to go with their goaltending. The only team looking scary in the East is the Lightning and they have an unproven goalie and slow-ish back line. Why couldn’t Columbus?

The Sharks? They maybe have one run left in them before they have to burn it all down anyway. No one in the Pacific looks all-world, and you’d basically have to take your chances with the Preds in a conference Final. Sure, it would make the Sharks even older and even slower, but everyone in the Pacific is kind of that way.

Calgary? If they could ever get it together, and really their bigger needs are in net and to find out what exactly has inhabited the brains of Hamonic and Brodie. But the Sedins allow them to put the 3M line as a strict checking line. Why not?

The logistics aren’t easy, but they are possible. And while the Sedins aren’t exactly known as playoff dynamos, and may never live down 2011 or Dave Bolland claiming his one bit of glory off of them, they wouldn’t be asked to carry a team here. Again, they don’t need a Cup for first-ballot entry into the Hall of Fame. They love it there. These kinds of deals also rarely work. But you’d have to think they’ve at least kicked the idea around in their race car beds.

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Game #36 – Hawks vs. Canucks: Q&A With Hockey Dipsh*t

By Sam Fels December 28, 2017 1999 0

This is a real thrill for us. Stefan Heck is one of Canada’s most gifted writers. And he shares his Canucks/hockey thoughts on Twitter @hockeydipshit. If you’re not following, you’re not living life to the fullest. He was kind enough to do this for us.

The Canucks got off to a surprising start, but have cooled off thanks to injuries and a lot of players seeking their own level. They’re only five points out of a playoff spot, but also only ahead of Arizona in the standings. So this is still a rebuilding year for them, and more importantly, do they know that?

It’s absolutely still a rebuilding year for the Canucks, and if they’ve learned anything, hopefully the next couple seasons are as well. They won’t catch Arizona, but they’ll finish solidly in the bottom 5, which will be low enough for them to draft a player like Quinn Hughes. I think they may have finally learned something from last year’s trade deadline, in which they stole Jonathan Dahlen and Nikolay Goldobin from Ottawa and San Jose respectively. In a shocking twist, fans of the team like it when you make moves with a clear vision of the future in mind, rather than throwing away Gustav Forsling for nothing. Hey, what’s that guy up to nowadays?

Brock Boeser, all that is man?

Brock Boeser has given me… what’s that word… hope? Wait, that can’t be right. He is tremendously entertaining, although in fairness, that’s a low bar to clear with this team (Seriously, Blackhawks legend Jack Skille qualified as “tremendously entertaining” last year). I don’t know if he’ll win the Calder given that Matt Barzal is both a center and plays on a better team, and Charlie McAvoy is terrifying, but he’s a bright spot for a franchise that desperately needs something to care about.

He’s only 21, but have the Canucks completely borked Jake Virtanen with how they’ve brought him through so young? Or is there still something here?

He’s actually shown a marked improvement this year, particularly whenever he actually decides to use his tantalizing speed/size combo and drive to the net. I think there’s still something there, it’s just that the “something” in question tops out at “late 2000s Raffi Torres.”

What did this team need with Sam Gagner, exactly?

As far as I can tell, they needed a player who could fill the Kyle Wellwood role: a short, weirdly entertaining dude who will manage to garner an obsessive cult following in the years after he leaves the team.

It seems impossible, but with the Sedins as old as they are and in the last year of their deal, would they ever consider going somewhere at the deadline to take one last run at it?

I doubt it, because A) they’ve been raising young families here and seem quite content, and B) I can’t imagine a situation in which they’ll not only waive their NMCs to go to a team, but that team will also have the required cap space to fit both of them. With the Canucks retaining salary on Jannik Hansen, they’d only be able to hold back money on one of the twins, and I don’t think that’ll be enough.

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Game #36 – Hawks vs. Canucks: Douchebag Du Jour – Our Ass Bleeds For Derek Dorsett

By Sam Fels December 28, 2017 1758 0

Derek Dorsett won’t play tonight. Nor ever again. You probably saw every Canadian writer climbing over each other to show how much they cried into their hanky about his retirement due to a second neck injury. Funny how a guy who ran into everything head-first had to retire due to a neck injury.

Yes, it’s always sad when someone has to leave something they love before they’d like to. Especially when it’s an athlete whose body let him or her down. But then again, that’s basically what Dorsett signed up for with how he played. As The Joker would say, “It’s all part of the plan.”

Every sport goes weepy for players like this, though hockey seems to take it to the extreme. Any player who is perceived as, “giving everything,” is seen as some displaced warrior. But really, shouldn’t “giving everything” be the bare minimum we ask? The reason Dorsett and players of his ilk look like they’re giving “more” than anyone else is because they have less skill than anyone else. The game is harder for them, and thus they have to resort to whatever they can to stick.

Dorsett certainly had a “presence,” but we’re willing to bet the Canucks can find five guys right now in Utica who would “leave it all on the ice” simply to be in the NHL and run into whatever they can or can’t see. That’s certainly not going to get them any closer to a Cup they’ve never claimed. And they’d be just as effective as Dorsett was, and if they stuck around for a few years they would get the same tributes when they had to retire when their head fell off or neck turned to graham crackers.

Meanwhile, when the Sedins retire among the celebrations there will be a large discussion of whether they failed because they never won a Cup. They’ll pile up 2000+ points combined, but they’re held to that standard.

It’s utter shit, of course. Teams still don’t seem to learn the lesson of the Penguins or Hawks or even Kings. None of these teams had someone who could do nothing but just be an unchained wrecking ball. Perhaps the most annoying Hawk during their three runs was Michael Frolik, and that’s only because he was always back up in yo’ ass with the resurrection on the forecheck. Andrew Shaw was annoying, but he also scored 20 goals or so per season as a Hawk. While the Kings had that rep, they won because Kopitar and Carter and Doughty beat everyone up and down the ice.

But hey, Dorsett played like we would have if we’d gotten the chance to be on our teams, because he really wasn’t all that much more skilled. Let’s all have a good cry. And then go and yell at the 50 other guys in the league who do the same thing and don’t really get anyone anywhere.

Game #36 Preview