Hockey

Atop The Sugar Pile – 3/9: DEEEAAATHHHHHH

By Sam Fels 1703

It all came crashing down on the Hawks this weekend, so who did what as yet another season is meaningless before St. Patrick’s Day, if it ever meant anything at all.

The Dizzying Highs

Corey Crawford – It feels like the Hawks are heading toward some sort of Bay Of Pigs with their veteran players, with at least Keith and Toews completely fed up with their coach. You don’t have to really jump that far on a conclusions mat to see that they might hint to the front office this summer they want this bespectacled doofus out on his ass or they’re going to be showing their thumb out of town as well. The funny thing is that Crawford’s name is never mentioned among “the vets” even though he’s only slightly less decorated than his cohorts. And Crow is the only one who could simply walk. Another week of a .917 makes him the biggest reason the Hawks could even mention the word “playoffs.”

There are certainly other goalies on the market, and Crow will be the oldest of them. Still, what if Crow joins his teammates and says, “I want to come back, I want to come back at a reasonable salary, but I don’t want to play for this guy?” What would the Hawks do? With every strong week, Crow strengthens his leverage.

The Terrifying Lows

Alex Nylander – I’m simply getting tired of putting Jeremy Colliton here, and he’s likely to get his own post later in the day anyway. He had two garbage-time points against Anaheim. And then in three important games, he didn’t do shit. Until the third one, where he gave the puck away in his own zone in the third period, and then was caught puck-watching while Alex Pietrangelo set up shop in the left circle to end that game. Keep in mind, Nylander spent the whole week on a line with Patrick Kane. And Dylan Strome, who seems to have struck up something with Kane since being moved back to center. Do you know how hard it is to go three games with a point with Kane on your line?

In a lot of ways, it’s not Nylander’s fault. He is what he is, and it’s not his fault the Hawks gave up on a useful d-man to bring him here to do nothing (other than get me a Greektown dinner). And the front office is almost certainly cramming him into the lineup to try and make up for the fact that they fucked up by punting Henri Jokiharju for him. I would have liked to see what Dylan Sikura would have done with the same opportunity. But he’s a symptom, or an example, of just how well and truly lost this organization is. Clueless in his own zone, costs too much, and not enough at the other.

As Fifth Feather pointed out in our private thread as the Hawks were spitting up to the Wings, that was a game where your depth should carry you through. A fourth line goal to get things going, or a third line performance because you just have better players there than a shit-assed opponent. Nylander is supposed to be that depth. He’s not. He sucks. And the thinking that brought him here sucks. And that’s why the Hawks lose these games.

The Creamy Middles

Patrick Kane – Four points in four games, but it sounds like he’s warming up to make some demands of his front office too. And he should, because he’s seen three seasons of his prime, and two of his most brilliant seasons, go in the toilet and for nothing. And while he might be as visibly seething as Keith or Toews, somewhat placated by playing 25 minutes a night, he’s already made noise about wanting to talk to the front office after the season and at least see if there is a plan. Kane is the only one who could ask out and probably find a host of suitors, which means he probably draws the most water. If he demands changes, the Hawks would have to listen. And if they choose this coach and GM over him, you’ll know they’re truly lost.

Hockey

High On The Hog: Back To The Goalie Tripod

By Jon Fromi 1143

The Rockford IceHogs have had a three-goalie approach through the bulk of the 2019-20 campaign. With Kevin Lankinen undergoing shoulder surgery last week, it looked as if the Hogs would employ a more traditional two-man approach to the net.

Apparently, that’s not Rockford’s style this season.

The IceHogs inked Russian goalie Ivan Nalimov to a PTO Saturday. Nalimov, 25, has six seasons of experience in the KHL for a host of teams. He’s Chicago’s sixth-round selection from the 2014 NHL Draft.

Nalimov was released from his contract with HK Sochi when their season ended. In 24 games, he posted a 2.50 GAA and a .922 save percentage. With Lankinen on the shelf and Nalimov’s season over, this appears to be an opportune time to kick his tires.

I doubt that Nalimov has come all the way to Rockford to just sit around twiddling his thumbs. Look for him to get some action for the IceHogs. The question is…when?

Rockford has just come off a three-game weekend. They have this week off until Saturday, when they play Chicago at Allstate Arena. After hosting Milwaukee March 18, Rockford has a stretch of nine days in which they play six times.

Hogs coach Derek King has been riding Collin Delia the last couple of weeks. The Cucamonga Kid has played well and is more than capable of handling the workload. You have to wonder, though, just what Matt Tomkins is thinking right now.

Tomkins has performed well in Rockford, earning an NHL contract from the Hawks that runs until the end of next season. Since signing on January 24, he’s played in four of the Hogs next 20 games. He was solid in Sunday’s overtime loss to the Wolves. Now he’ll have Nalimov to share the few nights that Delia isn’t occupying the Rockford crease.

 

Snippets

  • Rockford earned three points in the standings this weekend. After scoring an impressive 4-0 win over Grand Rapids at the BMO Friday night, the piglets were shut out 3-0 by the Griffins at Van Andel Arena on Saturday. Sunday, Rockford dropped a 3-2 decision to Chicago, with the game-winner coming on a Wolves power play.
  • Delia’s 34-save shutout earned him First Star on Friday, but I left the BMO more impressed with the team effort against the Griffins. That might have been the best this group has played this season. It certainly was Rockford’s finest effort in a couple of months.
  • He wasn’t one of Friday’s Three Stars, but Alexandre Fortin was a big reason for the Hogs victory. His breakaway goal early in the second period gave Rockford a 2-0 advantage and the boys didn’t look back. Fortin was set up by a nice pass by Joni Tuulola, but the finish was outstanding. Waiting out Griffins goalie Pat Nagle, Fortin deked with the backhand before pulling the puck to the forehand and into Twine Town. It’s a play he hasn’t been able to make in previous seasons.
  • Fortin has been a honest-to-goodness threat to score the last month. In his last nine games, he has three goals. That pushes his season total to a career-high of eight. Not only is he getting pucks to the net, but the shots are challenging opposing goalies and have been creating frequent rebound opportunities.
  • T. J. Brennan has yet to post a goal for Rockford, though he has three assists in his six games with the IceHogs. At times, you can see the rust from a season in which he hadn’t played much for Lehigh Valley. However, it looks as if Brennan is going to get the chance to play his way into shape with the Hogs.
  • Gabriel Gagne put his sixth goal in his 19th game with Rockford. With Gagne nearing the end of his 25-game PTO, the Hogs signed him to an AHL contract for the remainder of the season, as well as the 2020-21 season. Smart move; Gagne now has 12 points in 21 games since coming aboard in January.
  • Dmitri Osipov earned an extension to his current AHL contract for the 2020-21 campaign. Osipov hasn’t played since February 21.
  • Tuulola has been a constant in the lineup in his second season. He is currently mired in a 36-game scoreless drought after finding the net in consecutive games November 30 and December 3. Tuulola may not hit last year’s point totals (4 G, 10 A), but he has been a pretty steady defender most of his sophomore campaign. His plus-five skater rating is the highest on Rockford’s blueline.
  • Rockford is tied with the Wolves with 62 standings points. At this stage of the season, however, the IceHogs chances for the postseason hinge on point percentage until the teams of the Central Division have played an even number of games. With a .492 percentage, Rockford is tied for sixth with Texas. Playoff position is going to have to be earned, as opposed to maintained.

Follow me on twitter @JonFromi for news and thoughts on the IceHogs all season long.

 

Hockey

Game #69: Blues 2, Hawks 0 – That’s Right, The Women Are Smarter

By Rose Rankin 2304

Well, it was game #69 so insert NICE joke here…hahaha, I said insert. OK, enough Beavis and Butthead, we just had to sit through an awful game that was by turns boring and frustrating. The Hawks had opportunities and squandered them, the Blues were oafs and went after noted tough guys Adam Boqvist and Alex DeBrincat, which just shows you what bullies really are and why they’re such assholes. It wasn’t an embarrassing loss like the other night against Detroit, simply by virtue of the fact the Blues are contenders, but it doesn’t really feel any better. Let’s get through this together and break down this terrible game.

Box Score

Natural Stat Trick

–So the first period was truly one of the most boring displays I’ve seen in weeks. There was a total of 14 shots combined (7 for each team) and it definitely did not feel like there were that many. I don’t have much else to tell you. Caggiula hit the post and Corey Crawford did his best Robin Lehner impersonation at one point–that was about it.

–Then the second period turned into an idiot-fest, with the Blues going full-on Blues, as Oskar Sundqvist basically pirouetted to make sure he jabbed Adam Boqvist’s face with his forearm and the butt of his stick, which resulted in a brawl between both lines. Duncan Keith managed to get taken down immediately and Drake Caggiula jumped in to take the heat off Top Cat. Now, I think at this point you know I can’t stand the fighting in hockey, and this maelstrom basically explains why. First, the fucking Blues went after Alex DeBrincat, who happened to be out there along with linemates Kirby Dach and Caggiula. So number one, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me, going after two children (Boqvist and DeBrincat). Literally you should fight me instead, you fucking pussies. Second, Drake Caggiula REALLY needs to stop fighting because of his concussion history. Third, the refs DOWNGRADED Sundqvist’s penalty to a minor! How is this even a thing?

It was a ridiculous example of everything that is lame with this neanderthal mindset in hockey, and even worse, Boqvist was knocked out of the game and this guy has finally had some strong games AND came back from whatever wrist issue he was having. If he’s got a concussion the Hawks need to shut him down for the rest of the season which is a fucking shame beyond words. Also, Caggiula didn’t return and while I’m not as concerned about the effect on the team if he doesn’t play again this season, I am concerned about his health as human fucking being. A ridiculous situation in every way possible, and the NHL should be fucking embarrassed that their reigning Stanley Cup champions and supposed big-market powerhouse from the Original Six had an important game (for one side) devolve into this bullshit that knocked out two Hawks players. Well done, dumbshits.

–Connor Murphy didn’t have a great game, let’s be honest. He lost Bortuzzo in front of the net which led directly to the first goal. And while we’re at it, Alex Nylander didn’t have a great game either, and his turnover at the defensive blue line led directly to the second goal. Murphy I can forgive because he’s usually handling such shit work that you can’t be too mad about a fuck up here and there. Nylander gets no such credit.

–Corey Crawford was outstanding again. I’ve got to be honest, I really want Malcolm Subban to get some time both to see what he can do, and also to give Crow a bit of a rest here. It really no longer matters for the Hawks’ season–those playoff pipe dreams are just that. But regardless of any of that, Crawford was solid as usual, and it was downright refreshing to hear the broadcast give him the credit he deserves, including going so far as to say the only reason they’re even in the playoff discussion is because of him.

–Oh, and then the Hawks went like 12 minutes into the third before they even got a shot off. It seemed like they knew the jig was up and just stopped trying. Are they wrong? No. Will it be tough to watch this for the next month? Yes.

–So it’s International Women’s Day and the NHL attempted to do something sorta decent by having an all-female broadcast crew, and honestly I’m here for it. For a couple reasons: obviously I think it’s pretty clear at this point that I care deeply about representation and addressing historical disparities with opportunities. Second, because I enjoy listening to anyone who isn’t Pierre fucking McGuire. And while I’m uneasy about the token-ness of this night–i.e., hey we have women on a special broadcast, see we’re doing things!!!!–the fact remains that female broadcasters need opportunities to hone their craft. Kate Scott was outstanding as the play-by-play call, and I would prefer her 10 out of 10 times to Foley or any other dope. AJ Mleczko was excellent on the color call, but I have to say Kendall Coyne Schofield still sounds uncomfortable on camera. Again, this can be addressed with more opportunities and experience, as it should be. Remember how cringy Patrick Sharp‘s first few broadcasts were? If he can get better at it, so can Kendall and so can other women broadcasters. Hopefully this is can be more than a token.

Well friends, this weekend kinda felt like the nail in the coffin. Maybe it is, and maybe they can manage a decent draft pick; I’m too tired to decode this into some great revelation other than it seems like they’re screwed. But, they’ve got another string of rather weak opponents coming up so perhaps a fool’s errand? Onward and…upward?

Hockey

Game #69 – Blues vs. Hawks Preview: You Know What You Are

By Sam Fels 1562

vs.

RECORDS: Blues 40-18-10   Hawks 31-29-8

PUCK DROP: 6:30

TV: NBCSN (All Women Broadcast)

MOS EISLEY CANTINA: St. Louis Gametime

There’s not much I can add to Pullega’s wrap from Friday night. There could not have been a more clear illustration of every failing of this organization–players, coach, and front office–then puking up a game to one of the worst teams in history that you claimed you had to have because you’re trying to sell the fact that you’re in a playoff race that abandoned you long ago. The players weren’t ready, the coaches didn’t have them ready, and the front office provided a roster that couldn’t stomach the losses of a 19-year-old defenseman and another one that has played five NHL games. It feels like after that, if they didn’t before, everyone but the Hawks see them for what they are. And if the Hawks continue to ignore it, nothing will ever change.

And of course, here traipsing into town is the team we used to laugh at for never getting it, that have now gotten it while the Hawks lost the plot. You can’t help but see the symbolism and weep until you seize.

Since the Blues performed their latest third period live-autopsy of the Hawks after the trade deadline, they’ve won three of four from the New York teams and Dallas, but that hasn’t seen them pull away from the Avs for the top of the division. Colorado is two points back with a game in hand, and have the decided advantage in regulation wins so the Blues can’t tie on points. And winning the division certainly has its prize, as it’ll mean avoiding two weeks of mud in the tires against Dallas and getting a first-round matchup with whatever nitwit team finishes as the last wildcard. The Blues and Avs finish the season against each other in Denver, which could be spicy.

The only note about the Blues of interest is that in those four games since beating the Hawks, they haven’t gotten a goal or point from their bottom six. That could be a worry going forward, as last year’s torture was partly based on getting the occasional goal when they needed it from the support players.

The Blues are back at it at home tomorrow against the Panthers, a game they’ll probably view as the harder of the two so the Hawks might get to see Jay Gallon tonight.

For the Hawks, Adam Boqvist will return to the lineup but Carlsson won’t, which means Nick Seeler can continue to make Connor Murphy question every decision in life he’s ever made. Seeler had an absolute disaster against the Blues last time, because he doesn’t have the feet, hands, or brain to deal with the Blues furious forecheck. Other than that, I can’t see a problem for him.

The Hawks will try and tell us that if they win tonight, it’s still six out of eight points this week which would have been the goal anyway. And they’ll tell you they still have the Sharks and Senators up this week. They’ll tell you, while really trying to convince themselves, that it’s still on. But their performance on Friday told you what they really think. A team that thinks it has a real chance doesn’t lay that egg in the home of the biggest collection of trash and discarded gum posing as a hockey team in recent memory. They know they’re done and the second of a back-to-back was simply too much work for them to be bothered to do.

Perhaps they’ll have the decency to try and save some face tonight, knowing they embarrassed themselves on Friday. Combine that with every effort against the Blues this year being sad in its own way, and they should be somewhat inspired. Whether that matters against a genuinely superior team who actually has something to play for, well… I think you know the answer to that one.

It’s something of a landmark night, as least in broadcast terms, as NBCSN will fully broadcast and produce the game with an all-female crew. If you can ignore the large swaths of both fanbases proving how adult they can’t be, it should be enjoyable. Maybe it’ll even cause Jeremy Roenick to finally immolate himself. One can only hope.

Hockey

Game #69 – Blues vs. Hawks Spotlight: Doug Armstrong, And Patience To Learn

By Sam Fels 1488

When a GM is in a job for over 10 years, as Blues GM Doug Armstrong will pass into this summer, it’s either a sign of an organization’s inertia or incompetence, or a sign of sustained success. Or in the case of the Hawks, both. And it may be that’s the case in St. Louis as well.

Armstrong ascended to the GM chair while the Hawks were on their way to their first parade, and as things always worked with the Blues, everything they did seemed to be not to measure up to the class of the division (it was Detroit in the past), but to be in opposition to it. Of course, the Blues set some of this in motion when former GM Larry Pleau took Erik Johnson instead of Jonathan Toews.

But while the Hawks and others were getting faster and more skilled, the Blues seemed determined to plod and crush their way to success, which had predictable results. They hired Ken Hitchcock, which only made them more defensive. We know they emphasized size and GRITHEARTFAAAAART. And while they have been a consistent playoff team, there was only one conference final appearance.

It was the kind of record that usually gets GMs fired, and so would have the coaching boondoggle of installing Mike Yeo as an heir apparent to Hitchcock, and then watching all of that go to shit when the players rebelled against both of them. It culminated with the Blues missing the playoffs in 2018.

But that kicked a new direction and sense of urgency for Armstrong, something we’d love to see around here. Maybe he knew his job was on the line. But they traded for Ryan O’Reilly and signed Tyler Bozak to give them the center depth that they’d lacked and the Hawks or Sharks or Predators had picked apart in years previous.

A shift in drafting before that though were the real tracks. Robert Thomas, Jordan Kyrou, Vince Dunn, and an absolute theft of Brayden Schenn out of Philadelphia set the Blues on a path to be fast, dynamic, and skilled. All the things they hadn’t been before. And clearly, Armstrong was rewarded.

The final stroke, and perhaps the act of a man who was sure he was headed for printing up a bunch of CVs, was correcting the mistake of installing Yeo as coach after the players had turned on him and giving Craig Berube the job. Suddenly the Blues were playing faster and more aggressive, because with the speed Armstrong had installed in the lineup they could. We know how the rest goes.

Only Armstrong and his bosses will know how close he was to the axe, but everyone seems to think it was very much on the cards had the Blues not turned around at New Year’s last year. Armstrong deserves credit for realizing the mistakes of the past, seeing how his team had to adjust, and not being afraid to switch gears. Perhaps the Blues ownership deserves credit for letting Armstrong have the time to do it all.

Would that work here? Hard to say. Stan Bowman’s recent drafting record is already a strike against that. Recent player acquisitions would suggest they haven’t even diagnosed the problem yet. He’s made his coaching change. though Armstrong has been allowed three. And for every Armstrong who’s been allowed to dig themselves out, there’s Boston, Pittsburgh, Carolina and others who have found success changing things in the front office. There’s no set model for it.

What a state of affairs when you look down I-55 and wonder why things can’t be like that here. Life is meaningless.

Hockey

Game #69 – Blues vs. Hawks: Hedley Lamarr’s Nitwits, Halfwits, And Dimwits

By Sam Fels 1048

The Blues’ Suddenly Plentiful System – It is truly a bewildering state when the Hawks can only bring up odd-shaped bowling balls like Dennis Gilbert or Matthew Highmore or pick off Nick Seeler from waivers and wait too long to try Lucas Carlsson, while the Blues keep unearthing a Robert Thomas or Zach Sanford or Ivan Barbashev or Vince Dunn. It was the Blues who used to bring up chucklehead after chucklehead. And now they get it. And the Hawks don’t. And we’re cold and alone.

Zach Sanford – Maybe the Hawks will try covering him this time around. Might be worth a shot.

John Hamm – Hey, someone has to say something bad about him. We’ll take the bullet. Handsome devil that he is.

Hockey

Game #69 – Blues vs. Hawks: Lineups & How Teams Were Built

By Sam Fels 1267

Blues

Notes: Faulk has been out of late, though there’s some hope he could play tonight…Binnington had a rough one against New Jersey so we might get Jay Gallon tonight, not that that’s been a breather for anyone this season…The Blues haven’t gotten a point from their bottom six since the Hawks last saw them, which probably means five goals for them tonight…

Hawks

Notes: Crow will make his 9th straight start, and the second time this week he’ll play three games in four days. Funny how they didn’t want him to start at all like, a month ago…Boqvist is likely to play, but Carlsson is not…

Hockey

Game #68 – GOD DAMN It Are You F*CKIN With Me? – Hawks 1, Wings 2

By John Pullega 2439

Box Score

Natural Stat Trick

Absolutely fucking terrible. Until the last 10 minutes of this game, the Hawks were out-possessed and outclassed by the worst NHL team of the 21st century in the middle of a run that they’re calling a playoff push. A completely botched circumcision of an effort.

– The big story of the night is Adam Boqvist’s scratch. He was having trouble with his right wrist, which forced Dennis fucking Gilbert into the lineup to expected results. It’s the right call to play it safe with him, although based on the pre-game skate it looked like Boqvist had to take himself out rather than his absolute embarrassment of a coach doing it for him.

If you’re an optimist, you look at Boqvist’s absence and the fact that the Hawks had no drive whatsoever without him as portending to a good future for the kid. If you’re a pessimist, you look at Boqvist’s absence and the fact that the Hawks had no drive whatsoever without a 19-year-old defenseman who’s actively being bridled by his complete fraud of a coach as comprehensive proof that this fucking coach and this fucking front office have absolutely no fucking idea what the fuck they’re doing. Take a wild fucking guess where we land.

– You can talk about how the Hawks beat the Lightning and Oilers recently and use that as proof that this is a team THAT DOESN’T QUIT and HAS A LOT OF MOXIE, which is exactly what Coach Nerdlinger wants you to think. You can also eat the shit end of my ass with that horseshit. Beating playoff-entrenched teams at the end of February, when they have no reason to give a full effort, is smoke and mirrors. Beating the Panthers and Ducks should be a fucking given. But losing to literally the worst NHL team of the 21st century in an absolute must-have game is inexcusable for a team with so-called playoff aspirations.

– Slater Koekkoek, Nick Seeler, and Dennis Gilbert all played real, meaningful minutes tonight. If we weren’t 100% convinced that Colliton and Bowman are pants-shitting morons in terms of blue line signings and favoritism already, tonight would hammer that nail into each and every one of our skulls. Fuck your injuries and excuses. This is unacceptable at a professional level.

On Detroit’s first goal—and please remember that going into this game the Wings had a -121 goal differential as a team—we got to see Slater Koekkoek show us why Jeremy Colliton should not be coaching a fucking professional hockey team. He did that thing that Colliton tells them to do and went onto the far boards to cover Trevor Daley. Yes, THAT Trevor Daley. You know, the one who if you give him enough room and time will fuck up on his own because he fucking sucks? Koekkoek’s by-design coverage led to a wide-open Tyler Bertuzzi in the slot, with Olli Maatta screening Crawford just cuz. Outstanding. Playoff caliber.

On the second goal, Dennis Gilbert did Dennis Gilbert things, such as picking his ass in the crease and wondering which mix of rocks he’d have for dinner on his bus ride back to Rockford, God willing. By the time he had all the synapses firing to lay out on the ice, Fabbry Robbi or Robby Fabbri had picked his spot and potted his shot. But boy was Eddie quick to blame Crawford, because of fucking course he was.

And though Nick Seeler wasn’t directly responsible for any goals, when your presence makes the question “Is Dennis Gilbert not the worst defenseman on the ice?” one worth asking, well.

– Everyone on the broadcast made sure that you knew that the Hawks got in late last night and that the scheduling was rough and that the Hawks really had something to overcome. Fuck you. Jonathan Bernier had a .906 SV% going into this game. Detroit has allowed the most goals of all teams, with the next closest, Ottawa, allowing 26 fewer goals on the year. And again, -121 goal differential going into tonight. Playoff teams do not lose games to teams like this, especially not when it matters as much as it did tonight.

– Connor Murphy did not have a good game. Two penalties, one of which turned into a PK goal against. But babysitting Nick Seeler might do that to you.

– And as much as we love Murphy, we absolutely do not need to see him on the ice in a 6-on-5 situation at the end of a game with the goalie pulled. As if we needed even more evidence that Jeremy Colliton should be fucking up someone’s taxes on purpose and getting rewarded by his boss for “accessing a new revenue stream” instead of doing whatever it is he calls what he’s doing behind the bench, not having Dominik Kubalik, who you may know as the Blackhawks’s top goal scorer along with Kane going into this game, on the ice in a situation where you need a motherfucking goal might be the dumbest fucking thing anyone has done since Stan Bowman hired Jeremy Colliton to coach this team.

The 2019–20 Detroit Red Wings will go down as the worst team of the 21st century thus far. And the Hawks—in the midst of a playoff run they’re just prematurely ejaculating over to tell you about—lost to them in a must-win game. It always sucked losing to them when they were the better team. But this?

Fucking pathetic.

Until Sunday.

Beer du Jour: Evan Williams and Miller High Life

Line of the Night: “Force Detroit to come out of their comfort zone.” –Eddie O describing how the Hawks could overcome the worst statistical team in almost every single category in hockey.

Hockey

Game #68 – Hawks vs. Red Wings Preview: And Now The Sitter

By Sam Fels 1467

vs.

RECORDS: Hawks 31-28-8   Red Wings 15-48-5

PUCK DROP: 6:30pm

TV: NBCSN Chicago, NHL Network

THE TRULY LOST: Winging It In Motown

They can’t fuck this up, right?

Whether or not you believe the Hawks have a shot at making the playoffs, they believe it. They kind of have to, but hey, they’ve won four in a row here and have a great chance to make it five. There’s a ton of home games. So you can see where if it’s your job, you psych yourself into it.

And even if it’s on the second of a back-to-back, you can’t get more of a layup than this. It sucks for a lot of reasons that the Wings moved to the East, but one is that we never got the reverse of when they were the all=conquering model of the league and the Hawks were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked and we essentially begged for mercy. The Wings were still a playoff team when they fucked off–or were ordered off in the most glorious way possible–and now that their a post-modern interpretation of sadness, the Hawks kind of are too.

Except not nearly as bad. The Hawks have twice as many points as this team. That’s hard to fathom. There’s 23 points to the next worst team, the Kings. 23! You can’t be more adrift than this. Their goal-difference is -121. They average getting beat by two goals per game. It’s the worst goal-differential this century, and they still have some games to play. Alex Biega is playing top pairing minutes here. They’re playing seven d-men and five of them assuredly suck ass. Their special teams both rank 30th. There’s literally nothing this team does well.

They’re paying Justin Abdelkader $4.2M for his three assists. Frans Nielsen lives in a mortuary and is taking home over $5M. Darren Helm and Valttieri Fillpula apparently still exist. I could keep going, but my lungs are turning into mush just reading this shit.

So yeah, you can’t lose this. Somehow the Wings have found an opponent that was breathing chloroform at intermission 15 times this year, and an additional five where they came to soon enough to at least win in OT. There’s no point in breaking this down or saying what the Hawks have to do. They have to show up and not completely stub their toes, fingers, nose, and frontal lobes. They spotted this team a two-goal lead at the UC and then blew them away after they came to. Dylan Sikura scored against them. Need we say more?

This is the game in hand the Hawks have on some teams, and you can’t ask for a better one. Some other results go their way and they could be within two points of the last wild card spot, though with a pile of invalids to hop over to get there. Whatever. Just do it.