Everything Else

#21

By Sam Fels 7614 0

It is a sad day for all Hawks fans. Stan Mikita passed away, the greatest Hawk of them all. While I could sit here and list off the numbers and accomplishments, or talk about the class and dignity I only experienced through the tellings of other people, I thought it might work better if we let someone who saw him play do the honors here. To illustrate what he meant to several generations of Hawks fans (yes Fork, I’m calling you old). So I’m going to let our friend Fork, from Hawks blog past Hockeenight.com, take over from here. (@Hockeenight). 

When I was born, Stan Mikita was a Blackhawk.

When I started Kindergarten, Stan Mikita was a Blackhawk.

When I got my first girlfriend, graduated grammar school, started shaving, got my first driver’s license, Stan Mikita was a Blackhawk.

When my high school class graduated, Stan Mikita was a Blackhawk. To be honest, he had just played his last game, but you get the idea.

It got to the point that I always figured I’d be on my deathbed, ready to head off into the great beyond, and Stan Mikita would swing around a defenseman, bury a puck behind me, and I’d slip away to the sound of the foghorn.

The Hawks of the 60s and early 70s were pretty much defined by two of the all-time greats, Bobby Hull and Stan Mikita. They were never linemates, Hull always on the top line and Mikita on the 2-line, with Kenny Wharram on the right, and Ab McDonald or Doug Mohns on the left. The “Scooter Line.”

Anyway, Hull and Mikita. Hull was right out of Central Casting, a handsome mass of muscle with curly blonde hair. Even his nickname, “The Golden Jet” sounded like it came from Hollywood. Hull was the fastest skater anyone had ever seen, with a huge slap shot. He was the perfect idol (on the ice, at least), a hockey God. Even the name “Bobby Hull” sounded like it came from a movie.

Mikita though, he was one of us. He never had any catchy nickname…we just called him “Stosh,” like anyone else named Stan from school or around the neighborhood. He was born in Czechoslovakia, and moved to Canada as a small child. The fact that he was from over there resonated with every Bohunk in Cicero/Berwyn, who claimed him as their own. We all identified so strongly with Mikita that even now there is a sea of #21 sweaters at every Hawks game. The name, like the man, was solid, dependable. Where the Canadiens had players with named that sounded like music, names like Guy Lafleur or Jean Beliveau, Stan Mikita sounded more like the guy who put a new roof on your aunt’s bungalow, or fixed your grandfather’s Rambler. Stan Mikita had a name like half the city of Chicago, and after every game he was at his locker, pulling on a dart just like everyone in the Stadium had during the game, giving the old barn that thick layer of smoke that probably made my young lungs look like those of a veteran coal miner’s. One of us.

And to that end, maybe it was fitting that he never left the Chicago area. He wound up having a few different businesses, but he never seemed to be a “Captain of Industry” type. He always made time for kids looking for autographs, as well as adults who could somehow seem starstruck around him, despite his completely unimposing air. He wasn’t a SUPERSTAR, even though he was. I mean, to this day nobody else has pulled off winning the Hart, Art Ross and Lady Byng in the same year, and he did it twice. But he never seemed to seek out star treatment or be aloof with anybody. He was one of us.

Stosh was one of the great innovators in the game too. One day one of his sticks got caught in a door jamb. By the time he finally was able to pull it out, the blade had a huge curve in it. He went out to practice with the curved blade, and the puck rose and dipped when he shot it. Hull and Mikita both used the “banana blades,” and now hockey sticks with curved blades are the norm. A far cry from when Maurice Richard scored so many goals with his backhand, which would not have been nearly as lethal with a curved blade. A guy who took a handyman’s approach – he found something unorthodox to do the job better than the standard tool, much like every handyman around Chicago. One of us.

My first hockey sweater was one my dad bought for me at Morrie Mages. The first one I pulled out was a #9, and my dad told me he didn’t want me wearing anything from “that fuckin wife beater.” So I wore #21. Then when I saw the back of his hockey card and saw he was from Czechoslovakia – the same place my great-grandparents came from – that cemented it for me. I’d go out with my Mikita sweater, my Chicago-brand skates, and a Mikita-brand helmet and my banana blade. There was one frozen patch where kids would go and skate, and I was always welcome because somewhere in my travels I’d acquired a net. But the #21 on my back and that helmet were where any similarities between me and Stosh ended. Except, of course, for the fact that we were both Bohunks in Chicago never quite overcoming challenges – for me, it was my family never having much dough, and for Stosh, it was the Canadiens. I’m pretty sure my dad’s dying words were “Fuckin’ Cournoyer.”

Dollar Bill managed to alienate every great old Blackhawks player, and as a result, neither Mikita nor Hull were in the United Center for years while the Hawks flailed away doing something that kinda/sorta resembled hockey if you squinted enough. When Dollar Bill finally shrugged off his mortal coil, Rocky Wirtz and John McDonough were able to mend fences, and Hull and Mikita returned to the Blackhawks as ambassadors. Of course, the cynic in me could point out that Rocky saw the monetary value in having those guys around, but that’s for another day.

Blackhawks fans my age (and older) were just happy to see them in the UC, and occasionally we’d get the extra trip down memory lane as Mikita would come out on the ice, or be up on the Jumbotron.

Once we heard about Stosh’s battle with dementia, we all knew this day would come. Just as we saw it coming with Walter Payton. Just as we knew Ernie Banks wouldn’t last forever. They all came here and stayed here. They’re as much a part of Chicago’s fabric as dibs and patronage.

So the next time you take a beverage to your lips, hoist it for Stosh. He will always be one of us.

Everything Else

The Hawks Continue To Hope You Don’t Notice They Don’t Have A Plan

By Sam Fels 3141 0

Perhaps it being August is leading me to read too much into whatever little is happening with the Hawks, or around the league in general. It is the Doldrums, as we dubbed this time of year long ago, and it appears some of the bigger moves are going to happen on the eve of or during training camp. Except there was one big move, and it involved a player the Hawks were rumored to be after. Or at least that’s what they want you to think.

Jeff Skinner was traded from Carolina, who were pretty desperate to get rid of him, to the Buffalo Sabres for a 2nd, 3rd, and 6th round pick and a prospect named Cliff Pu and let’s all just ruminate on that for a second.

Now that we’ve done that, let’s refocus. This is basically a nothing package for a player with three 30-goal seasons on the weapons-shy Hurricanes, who has never had a real center when he wasn’t playing it himself. Skinner has 204 goals in eight seasons (seven and a half really thanks to the Season In A Can Of ’13). These guys don’t grow on fucking trees, and really the only thing of value the Canes got was a 2nd round pick this year. Pu (ruminate again) has played four seasons in the OHL, where he’s been all right. His best mark was two years ago where he put up 86 points in London, but that’s just about the buy-in for the Knights. He’s got decent size but is clearly a season in the AHL away before making it to the big time, if that. And he flattened out in his fourth season in the OHL, when you’re supposed to be dominating children at the age of 20. This is not an A-list prospect.

Now, it could very well be that Skinner is an asshat, as has been whispered about him for a while and cited as a reason the Canes wanted to see him hit the ol’ dusty trail. Or it could be the Canes don’t have any idea what they’re doing, as they still have not added a forward or center they so desperately need other than Andrei Svhechnikov, whom they just drafted. But with Skinner heading out the door for nothing that’s going to be on the roster this season, that would seem to be a push. And even if Skinner is a diaper rash, that’s what strong coaching and leadership is supposed to iron out, something I’m told the Hawks have in spades.

You could also be trading for just one year of Skinner. He’s due $5.75M this year and then goes UFA. But the Hawks have clung and clung to this “flexibility” idea, which Skinner’s expiring deal would still leave them, to re-sign Nick Schmaltz (who could get very expensive with another 50+ point season) and Dylan Sikura, should that be deemed an emergency (and let’s just say I have to be convinced that it will be). Should Skinner put up another 30-35 goals, or more considering he’ll actually have a center now in Eichel, he’s probably looking at a $7-$8M payday, maybe more. He’ll basically be the next best option on the market after Artemi Panarin, if you’re forecasting it now.

But still, what’s clear is that the Hawks have a hole on the top six, and Skinner would have filled it. As it stands, Toews, Saad, Schmaltz, Kane, and DeBrincat are on the top six, and as you’ll notice that’s only five. I assume they want Sikura to prove to take it, but again, color me skeptical until given good reason to be otherwise. Not only does this team have a blue line that looks like something out of The Annoyance Theater, but it looks short of goals.

So what are we to conclude about the Hawks not getting a player they’ve been hotly rumored to want? They thought that package was too much? They thought those draft picks were too valuable? That would mean they’re punting on this year, and as we keep saying with all your “core” players being over 30, you don’t get a year to punt. Or they know Crawford won’t play and the year’s been punted for them anyway. They certainly have enough prospects on the level of Pu (take your time) to have put this together.

Or should we conclude that Skinner used his NMC to rule out a trade to the Hawks? That he preferred the fucking Sabres to the Hawks because at least whatever talent they have, basically Eichel and Rasmus Dahlin now, has brighter prospects RIGHT NOW than the Hawks? That he thought the safest bet going into his UFA years was not playing on Toews’s or Schmaltz’s wing but in Buffalo. Again, BUFFALO.

The Hawks can’t claim that they didn’t go hard after Skinner because they want to maintain flexibility, because he only has the one year left. They can’t claim they didn’t like the player because we basically know they called about him and Justin Faulk. And if they did like him than they would consider signing him long-term if things worked. And again, if they didn’t, that wasn’t much of a package to take a flier. Or they were so worried about his personality that they thought Q and Toews couldn’t corral him and keep him focused (that’s just conjecture right now). Or they really think they can’t give up picks that aren’t in the first round.

So what about any of that makes you feel good?

Everything Else

Friday Foofaraw: My Hockey Mixtape

By Sam Fels 1984 0

This is admittedly an idea I stole from St. Vincent, whose ITunes Radio Show I just discovered. But hey, if you’re going to steal, steal from the best. Anyway, on her show she creates a mixtape/playlist for people who call in and describe their situation in life. So because we spend a lot of time talking about music here along with hockey, I thought I’d share a playlist of songs that I associate with hockey and the Hawks. 

“Ocean Size” – Janes Addiction

They’re not particularly hockey, but when I first started going to the standing room at Chicago Stadium my brother was listening to “Nothing’s Shocking” constantly. Like, all the time. And one summer I went to Yellowstone and met my cousin for the first time, and though I was told he only listened to rap he was listening to this album all the time as well. It was basically everywhere. So when it was time to get into the car and head to 1800 W. Madison, this was the album that was on for my first handful of visits.

“Outshined” – Soundgarden

If you were in the Old Stadium, and you got there for warm-ups (and chances are if you did the first you were doing the second), the playlist was intoxicating to any child desperately wanting to think he was cool and tough (was not either, still not either). It was actually somewhat modern, and it was loud, and you were watching a bunch of nutcases get ready for whatever nonsense the Hawks and North Stars would cook up while a bunch of nutcases in the stands were already on their third beer and piling through their personal Connie’s pizza (god I miss those). To say it was charged would be an understatement. And the opening riff for “Outshined” basically had everyone frothing at the mouth in the building a good half an hour before puck drop. And no, the Hawks haven’t really updated the playlist since.

“6′ 1” – Liz Phair

Going to start jumping around here a bit, and I know this one might stick out a bit. Although if you don’t have this album then your life quite simply is short. Anyway, I was listening to this song far too loud in my car on the first warm day of spring 2009, going far too fast on Lake Shore Drive, and any Chicagoan will tell you that’s the exact time and place to be listening to music far too loud. The Hawks had just won Game 5 against Vancouver in Vancouver, Killion and I had to go to his office downtown on a Sunday to do a radio interview in Vancouver with the Pass It To Bulis guys because it was the only place we knew we could both use a landline. The Hawks were going farther than we ever expected, my stupid little program had turned into a wilder success than I ever would have anticipated, and there I was on The Drive. One of the happiest times of my life, and whenever I hear this song I think of that and Bolland’s goal in the dying minutes of the 3rd period.

“Saturday Night” – Kaiser Chiefs

You do a lot of stupid things when you move into your first apartment. And generally, the apartment itself is stupid, and mine was no different. A shitty little studio in Lakeview, and like everyone else’s first apartment it was mostly stereo and CDs. The other thing I couldn’t wait to do was to get NHL Center Ice for the first time, as that was never going to fly living with my father. And that was the first time I ever saw Hockey Night In Canada. While it shouldn’t have been that epic of an occasion, this was the tentpole of the sport coverage-wise, and now it was like I was in the club. At least for the first few times or years, when it first gets cold and you settle in to watch Hockey Night In Canada after ordering a pizza and cracking open a beer, with the chill outside actually feeling refreshing, there is something special about it. Anyway, I was listening to this album a lot then because I was silly, but this song is still pretty cool.

“Reunited” – Wu-Tang

This was the album I was listening to when I finally chucked it on the Hawks. It was in the car the last game I went to for years, a 3-2 loss to the Flyers where Alex Zhamnov scored in the opening 20 seconds and then the Hawks never looked like scoring again (they somehow did). I didn’t enter the UC again for something like four years. Not that this song or album are a bad time or anything.

“Oblivion” – Mastodon

The soundtrack to most of my first year doing CI. McClure introduced me to Mastodon, sitting on the same two barstools we sat on for most of the first two years we knew each other. My father walked in on me headbanging to this while claiming to be working more than once. And it certainly was pregame music heading to the UC that year for at least 25 home games.

“Rudi Can’t Fail” – The Clash

Best goal song the Hawks ever had.

“You Shook Me All Night Long” – AC/DC

Second best goal song the Hawks ever had.

“On A Plain” – Nirvana

I simply refused to listen to this album for the first few months of its release because of the ubiquitousness of “Smells Like Teen Spirit” everywhere. Visiting my brother for his college graduation, he made me take it in. Needless to say it was playing a lot when the Hawks made their trip to the Final, and certainly even more to get over the feeling of losing it so badly.

“Jammin’ Me” – Tom Petty

“Hockey is like Tom Petty. Life is just better when that’s in it.” – The Elder Fels

 

 

 

 

Everything Else

Gustav Forsling’s Surgery And Absence Makes Me Wonder Why The Hell I Should Care

By Sam Fels 2400 0

I don’t know how it ends up you have this a full three months after your season ended, but…

 

So whatever plans you might have had for the Hawks’ defense that included Forsling, you can put them on the backburner for now. Forsling will miss training camp and the beginning of the season, as just his recovery would have him only practicing again in the middle of November. That assuredly will take place in Rockford, as Forsling had long been cast there to end last season and unless the blue line is even bigger clown dysentery than we think it will be, he’s going to stay there.

Which sucks for Forsling, as this is something of a make-or-break year for him. We know how the Hawks sour on prospects, generally, after a certain amount of time in the organization. This would have been Forsling’s third season at least floating around the periphery of the roster, and now he’s going to have to wait until likely 2019 to even be in that position again. And that’s assuming some other player doesn’t take his spot (*cough* Jokiharju *cough*).

Personally, I’m having a hard time locating a fuck. Even at Forsling’s tender age and experience-level, they have flashed something somewhere to make you think what the future could be. Really, Forsling hasn’t done that at all, except for maybe walking the blue line once in October. He was horsed consistently in his own zone and never looked offensively dynamic enough to counter that. Put it this way, even when Nick Leddy was having his skull turned into pudding in his first year or two in the NHL, you could see the skating and vision. Forsling hasn’t even come close to that. If I squint I see maybe Kyle Cumiskey. And I don’t want to see Kyle Cumiskey. Neither do you. I had enough the first time.

Now looking at the training camp blue line, there are the three veterans in Keith, Seabrook, and Murphy. There’s free agent signing Brandon Manning, doing whatever it is he does. Jan Rutta is still here for reasons Stan Bowman can no longer or remember or understand. Forsling’s injury makes it easier on Erik Gustafsson to make the top-six, which is…just…great. It also opens up a path for Jokiharju to make the roster, and really I don’t know what the Hawks would be holding onto by not letting him at this point. Beating up on children isn’t going to do anything for his development. And they can tell Blay Killman to do one because he’s only here to go out drinking with Ian Mitchell when he arrives in the spring of ’19 or fall of ’20.

Who’s excited?

Everything Else

The Ballad Of Corey And Summer Break

By Sam Fels 2676 0

It wasn’t that we were ever going to learn a whole lot from the Convention and when Corey Crawford appeared (forced to appear?). If anything it only added to the confusion, and pushed us to being more convinced that when he’s not ready for the camp, or even for the season, the Hawks are going to fully put the blame on him. And it sounds like that will be more and more unfair.

Let’s get the stuff on the ground first before we try and sift through the higher-concept stuff. After the season, both Stan Bowman and Joel Quenneville said that they fully expect Corey to be ready for training camp. Q referenced “reports” they get, though who these are from or what exactly they are, no one’s going to be able to tell you.  And if you’re even more confused as to why a coach would need a “report” on his own player you’d hope he had any kind of relationship with, I’m going to have to leave you in that body of water because I have no tow-rope of an answer for you. They’re might not even be any such reports. And what’s clear now is that neither individual actually spoke to Crawford himself. Which isn’t encouraging.

Because if either had spoken to Crow, they probably would echo what the man himself said. He said that it’s a possibility he could be ready for camp, he’s progressing, he hopes he is, but that he can’t promise that. He really has no idea. So why do the coach and GM? Why are they making pronouncements that clearly don’t line up with what the player himself is feeling? The only explanation is that so they can dump this on Crow when he’s not ready, except at no point did either Stan or Q say, “Corey has told us he’ll be ready for camp.” They just said it, based on these nebulous “reports.” And I guess they want us top believe either that they don’t have Corey’s phone number and can’t ask him themselves, they never called him, or he didn’t return their calls/texts. Quite frankly, it’s a load of shit and when the Hawks try and pin this on Crow you should be angry at them, not at the player.

It’s easy to understand the frustration of the ambiguity of this. But you also get the impression that Crawford and the Hawks are dealing with something not all that common, and that’s if we leave it as just head trauma. If he blows out a knee or requires rotator cuff surgery, we have some frame of reference for the recovery of that. What we clearly have entered into here is something that can’t be tracked or has little precedence.

It won’t do any good to dip more than a toe into the pool of simply wild rumors and innuendos about what’s going on with Crow (hmm, that’s a lot of water references. Doesn’t that mean death in dreams? I’m in some trouble here). Some of it is really out there. But if even a shred of them have some truth, then this is a deeply personal thing, and quite frankly we don’t have this right to know exactly what’s going on. Even just a head injury is personal in that A. recovery from it is completely dependent on the player B. the risks are so great. Perhaps some players can plow through the idea that their life will be forever changed after they’re done playing (and when you’re over 30 as Crow is that’s really not all that far away), but there shouldn’t be an derision of a player who is also considering that in their recovery to make sure they’re 100%. Considering all that Crow has already accomplished–two Cups, what should have been a Conn Smythe, a couple of Jennings’ trophies, a World Cup and representing his country–he could be forgiven if he spent a little time wondering if there was that much left for him to do and whether putting his long term health and happiness on the line was really worth it.

Quite simply, if Crow is dealing with more than that–and I have honestly no idea if he is and no one I know who is plugged is seems to either, but we all hear the same whispers from the hinterlands to the jackass at the rink bar–than the Hawks seemingly pinning this on him is wholly wrong. And it was wrong when they did it after the famous Rise Against show, though they might not have known everything they were dealing with then. If there is something personal at work here–and again, I have no idea if that’s the case–I don’t see how saying one thing about him and then having him to at least tamp that down himself so that he looks like he’s not living up to expectations helps him in any way. It shows a nearly unconscionable lack of understanding. And maybe from that Rise Against happening there’s always been a separation between Crow and the Hawks and a lack of trust from both sides.

And I don’t know what the point of having him at the Convention was, either. There isn’t anyone who is or isn’t going to buy a ticket to that museum of freaks based on whether Crawford is going to be there or not. Having him there means he’s going to have to talk, and this is a situation where more quotes really aren’t going to help. And if he wasn’t going to parrot the message the Hawks have been sending out all summer, why did they send out that message? At least Crow knows he’s important enough that he doesn’t have to go along with what they’ve said about him, but this is yet another thing the Hawks have completely borked and ended up with several substances on their hands and no handiwipes around.

Sure, Hawks fans are getting a bit riled because there’s so little information we can trust out there. But at the end of the day, is it really our business? Do we have that “right?” I don’t think we do, especially when it comes to certain ailments or problems. If the Hawks were going to be vague anyway, they could have protected Corey better by saying something more like, “He’s dealing with a serious injury/matter/issue/whatever, we and him both hope he’s ready for camp but the most important thing is that Corey takes care of himself, and we support him fully in whatever he feels he needs to do that.” Instead we get this, team and player saying different things and no one knows where to turn. How is this better?

-So this is the point where things will go a bit dark around here. August is clearly the dead month on the hockey calendar, and we could all use the a break. If something happens, we’ll of course write about it. If Hess wants to bitch about Colts training camp, and you know he does, he’ll write about it. If Pullega needs to put a curse on all of us, he’ll do that. If Rose finally wants to reveal she’s Chicago Party Aunt, she’ll do that. But for the next few weeks, let’s say things will be sporadic so that we feel a bit more freshened up for training camp and season previews and all that good stuff. But don’t you worry, our Bears Roundtable before the season starts will of course be done. Anyway, take care and we’ll talk soon.

 

Everything Else

Friday Foofaraw: Our Definitely World Famous Blackhawks Convention Primer

By Sam Fels 2340 0

It’s that time again! The last happening on the hockey calendar before we head into the summer doldrums and awake for training camp. It’s in the no way at all kitchy, greedy, utterly creepy Blackhawks Convention! We don’t want you going in there blind, so let us provide a guide for all the goings-on this weekend:

Friday

5pm Opening Ceremonies

Every year I hope this is the one where Eddie Olczyk’s hair just gets up, lights a cigarette, and walks off for good. Maybe this is the one. Anyway, watch Eddie try and be overly dramatic for every introduction while they players sweat their balls off behind the curtain being forced to wear the jerseys on a summer day in an overstuffed ballroom. All for the privilege to come out and wade through the teeming masses that they assuredly don’t want to touch but have to (a curious role reversal for Garbage Dick). You have to love that this is called “Opening Ceremonies” for not a sporting event but one meant to drive cash while a bunch of people stand around.

8pm – The Second City

Oh good, time for my yearly rant on why Second City (and IO) are trash outfits. No matter how talentless you are, Second City will run you up the ladder of classes and shows as long as you keep paying. For every Tina Fey or Steve Carrell they produce, there’s a 100 people less funny than the dude in the break room at work you’ve fantasized about taking a scythe too. And a good portion of them will be at this natural disaster, trying to prod stiff and bewildered hockey players through an improv sketch. Oh, and are you surprised Adam Burish is part of this? If Burish couldn’t skate he definitely would have been an IO regular 15 years ago.

Saturday

9am – The Breakaway

Oh man,  if you thought you had enough of Rocky and McD blowing themselves, just you wait, fucko! There’s a goddamn book! They’ll be pushing this “Inside Story of The Wirtz Family Business and The Chicago Blackhawks,” as if there was anymore to it than being born on third, manipulating local laws and taxes to shelter your liquor and real estate business, and falling ass-backwards into a ready-made Cup contender because your father just happened to kick it at that moment. Cunning strategy, really.

10am – Hockey Operations

We might not get the Bowman, MacIsaac, MacIver, and Bernard fatal four-way when we finally find out who was responsible for the Trevor Daley idea, but it wouldn’t matter because McD is going to wander in halfway through this and declare himself the winner and take all the questions.

10:45 – Goal Scorers

Oh sweet lord. A vapid, Trump-supporting, Kid Rock-loving loudmouth in Jeremy Roenick and Patrick Kane together. This is sure to attract the highest quality person.

11:45 – President’s Forum

Oh you thought “The Breakaway” would be all the self-fellating from the top? Guess again, shitbag! McDonough gets one forum all to himself, hopefully taking time out from bullying his employees but no guarantees, to tell you what a great job he’s done in the past 11 years. If anyone asks a tough question, please ignore him shitting himself. He’s a genius, don’t you know?

12:30 – Blackhawks Family Feud

This is hell.

1:15 – Kids Only

A search for the next Joey The Junior Reporter, because Joey has now discovered drugs, poetry, and girls with purple hair. He’s burned all of his Hawks memorabilia.

2:00 – Blackhawks Match Game

Believe me, the Hawks players have been playing “match game” in their heads since this thing fucking started.

2:45 – Blueliners

Chris Chelios and Duncan Keith are there to tell you what it’s like to slash a player in the face. Chelios wins because he got Paul Kariya whereas Keith wasted his moment of madness merely on Charlie Coyle.

3:45 – From Beer League To Big League

“Hey! Remember when the Hawks had a lost season because their front office forgot to assemble a blue line or get a better center than Anisimov or their coach didn’t want to play any of their young players and they had no plan if Crawford got hurt and their television ratings went into the toilet and the building wasn’t full anymore?

“Oh you do? Hmm…crap.”

“But Scott Foster! Wasn’t that fun?”

5pm – Blackhawks TV Originals

I can’t tell you what this about nor do I care to find out because anyone associated with Blackhawks TV has all the panache of a cumquat.

6pm – Blackhawks Game Show

Jesus god there’s three of these things! More Second City! If you’re a tourist from Iowa/head trauma victim you’ll be highly entertained!

Sunday

9am – The Hull Brothers

Do I have to say it anymore? It’s 9am so there’s a small chance Bobby won’t be drunk yet, but he’ll still be an irredeemable asshole. Maybe he’ll choke on his fucking wig already.

10am – Meet Your New Blackhawks!

No!

11am – Life After Hockey

Burish, Bickell, Eager, and Fraser for this one. The latter three look on impatiently while Burish finds any camera left in the hotel to get in front of.

 

Everything Else

Our Should-Be World Famous Binary Coach Standings – Eastern Conference

By Sam Fels 1620 0

We did the West yesterday, let’s round it out.

Metro Division

Rod Brind’Amour (CAR) – INC

We don’t know yet, but he spells his name dumb.

John Tortorella (CBJ) – Moron

I mean… I don’t have to really go any farther than playing Byfuglien at forward in the World Cup, do I? Torts the dude is probably someone I’d hang out with, given his forthrightness and his love of saving dogs. The coach, who used to be the “Safe Is Death” guy, employs a ball-control, game-management offense that accentuates shot-blocking and MOAR HITZ and when it doesn’t work you best believe it’s anyone’s fault but his. Since he won a Cup in Tampa his teams have made one conference final appearance.

John Hynes (NJ) – Not A Moron

That Devils team wasn’t really any good and he got a playoff berth out of them. He’s been able to slide out from under the gaseous fog of Lamoriello and get the Devils playing something you can actually watch instead of contemplating the meaninglessness of existence during the 60 minutes. They might actually take a step back this year, but that would be ok considering where they are in their arc.

Barry Trotz (NYI) – Not A Moron

Well he’s not a moron when coaching but he might be a moron for taking this job. I know coaches coach and the Caps didn’t offer him the money he wanted but this team is going nowhere. Trotz rides his goalies too hard but he got out of that this year and he had a rested Holtby this time with something to prove. He can get a little trap-y, but pressed all the right buttons with the Caps in the spring. His teams are always good, and he’s done it in a couple spots. Though until this spring, he basically had the same record as Bruce Boudreau, but he broke through and Gabby hasn’t. Makes all the difference.

David Quinn (NYR) – INC

Another college coach, but considering the sheer amount of talent that rolls through Comm Ave. at BU, merely appearing in the NCAA tournament seems a bit short of what they should be doing. There was only one Frozen Four appearance, though judging a coach on basically two games to get there isn’t fair. We’ll find out.

David Hakstol (PHI) – Moron

I’m really only going off what Flyers fans say, and they hate this guy. Still, the Flyers have been young and fun and I don’t know that they should have even made the playoffs this year but they did. This is probably the make-or-break year for Hakstol, as they’ll expect a leap forward even though there’s still no goalie here. There will never be a goalie here.

Mike Sullivan (PIT) – Not A Moron

Again, not reinventing the wheel here but he did take the Pens out from under the bewildered gape of Mike Johnston and tell them to get the fucking puck up the fucking ice fucking quickly and look what happened. Last year’s team was wonky and he still got 100 points out of them even with Matt Murray having an existential crisis most nights.

Todd Rierden (WSH) – INC

No pressure, then.

Atlantic Division

Bruce Cassidy (BOS) – Not A Moron

Overblown because everything in Boston tends to be, but he’s taken a team that was floundering under Claude Julien’s methods and was bored out of its mind and recharged them. Sure, he has maybe the best line in hockey which makes up for a lot and he probably didn’t have much to do with Tuukka Rask’s return from the abyss, but he’s sprinkled in a fair number of kids and kept the train a’rollin’. Can look forward to losing to the Lightning again.

Phil Housley (BUF) – INC

Not sure the Sabres should have been as bad as they were last year but they’ve been that bad for so long that maybe this is just the way. Rasmus should improve things but ROR is gone, and eventually Jack Eichel is going to have to look like a #2, franchise-changing pick. He hasn’t quite yet. This will be the year to judge.

Jeff Blashill (DET) – Moron

Again, he’s had nothing to work with but the Red Wings suck out loud and there doesn’t appear to be much of an idea what it is he’s trying to do. If the goal is get young players to make moves forward, who has done that exactly?

Claude Julien (MON) – Right In The Middle

Considering his record in Boston, it’s hard to believe he could even be considered a Moron. But that was a hard team to fuck up, and when your goalie is throwing a .940 throughout the playoffs you have to do even less. His last couple years in Boston were ugly, and the work in Montreal hasn’t been any better. Chased Galchenyuk out of town, the Canadiens don’t have a playoff series win and don’t look likely to get one anytime soon. Not his fault that Carey Price is basically just cashing checks now, so you can’t totally indict him. Still, this is a team that gets dumber and slower and that’s apparently the way he wants it.

Guy Boucher (OTT) – Moron

You can take his two conference final appearances with two different teams and shove them up your giggy. He got there on the backs of two hot goalies and a trapping system that Proust or Nieztsche would have thought was simply too dark and and lifeless. Sure, this Senators team would be a disaster with the lovechild of Bowman and Ozymandis at the helm, but this guy sucks and always has and needs to stop getting jobs yesterday.

Jon Cooper (TB Diddlers) – Not A Moron, in the creepiest way possible (ENCHANTE!)

We have all the fun in the world at his expense, and he’s the coach most likely to get found in a hotel room covered head to toe in vaseline, but he knows what he’s doing. And his teams are fun. He’s developed a raft of young players including Hedman and Kucherov, who have become MVP candidates. He’s got more to work with than most, but he gets the most out of them.

Mike Babcock (TOR) – Not A Moron

The gleam is off, but that doesn’t make him an idiot. There are some Leafs fans who have had enough of seeing the likes of Polak and Komarov getting significant minutes, but wonderboy Dubas seems to have stripped the roster of those temptations. Can still get enamored with mule-like vets, and is ultra-hesitant to let his high-octane offense off the leash. Then again, he probably sees what his blue line is made up of. No excuses no, of course.

Everything Else

Our Should-Be World Famous Binary Coach Standings – Western Conference

By Sam Fels 1768 0

We did the GMs, so let’s do the coaches. Just to remind those of you who are on the newish side, we’ve basically boiled down all coaches and GMs in the league into a binary system: Moron or Not A Moron. Given how weird hockey is, how much is down to pure, dumb, idiot luck, and how backward the thinking everywhere is, it’s downright impossible to rank them in any other way. At least that’s our opinion. So let’s get to it:

Central Division

Joel Quenneville (CHI) – Not A Moron

This might come as a surprise to people given we’ve been the loudest bullhorn decrying the latest inexplicable decision he makes about his lineup. There is no perfect coach. But the resume is the resume, and while the game has changed even in the past couple years, the ways it’s changed are just extensions of what Q’s philosophy has been here in Chicago. Stop the play against you before it gets in your zone, get the puck up the other way as quickly as possible, get your d-man in behind it easier by forcing quick turnovers and forcing the play up the ice. These were things the Hawks did better than anyone to terrorize the league for five or six years. Yes, his lineup choices can be weird. Yes, he’s ignored good players just because of a hunch and played bad ones for the same reason. But the overall theory and implementation of how the Hawks should play has really never been in question.

Jared Bednar (COL) – Not A Moron

Hard to be in this category after one of the worst seasons the NHL has ever seen with the Avalanche in ’16-’17. But seeing as how he was given nothing, he can’t really take much of the blame. This turnaround last year is probably enough to give him this label, and the Avs do play an up-tempo, let’s-give-it-to-MacKinnon-and-move policy which is enough.

Jim Montgomery (DAL) – INC

We don’t know, but I will say his record at Denver would suggest he’s going to be Not A Moron. Also, I’m a fan of more teams moving into the college ranks to get coaches, instead of recycling the same 35 morons every year. Hakstol in Philly might be an idiot, but at least it’s different. And everyone in Dallas will just be happy it’s not Hitchcock, which is still a hiring that convinces me there’s a higher power because who else comes up with that joke?

Bruce Boudreau (MIN) – Moron

This will garner some chortles and protests, mostly from Ryan Lambert. Boudreau’s regular season really is uncanny and if hockey were inclined to weight regular season accomplishments more (and it probably should) he’d be a Hall of Famer. But hockey doesn’t. And a portion, maybe a good portion, of Boudreau’s success is simply pushing his team much harder in February and March when every other team has stopped caring and is waiting for the playoffs or the golf course. He’s Hockey Thibodeau in that way, though he does it through offense instead of Thibs’s heavy defense-first ways. But that leaves his team gassed and out of answers come playoff time, and one conference final appearance, where he blew yet another 3-2 lead at home in Game 7, is a record of a moron. Especially with some of the teams he’s had. His teams always have the mental stability of a Science Olympiad balsa wood bridge built by a student in detention. They fall apart with a stiff breeze. When Boudreau wins any trophy that actually matters, come talk to me. Until then, bite my bag.

Peter Laviolette (NSH) – Not A Moron

Though this is probably the season that the Preds tune out Lavvy, because it always happens to him wherever he goes, Lavvy gets the most out of what he has. His teams are always fun and fast, and though he can be red-assed and transfer that to his team they’re usually doing that at the top of a division. This Preds team will be a disappointment if it doesn’t come up with a parade in the next year or two, but that’s not enough to deem Lavvy a Moron.

Mike Yeo (STL) – Not A Moron But Only Barely

A lot of the esteem we have for our fellow cueball comes from the 2nd round in ’14, when Mike Yeo threw the kitchen sink at the Hawks with his outgunned Wild team. He trapped at times, he pushed full bore at times, and everything in between, sometimes period to period. The result was a far tougher six-game series for the Hawks than that Wild team should have ever mustered. But since then he’s seen the Wild tune him out, fire him, hire Gabby, and produce better regular season results than he ever did. He Brutus’d Ken Hitchcock’s Caesar in St. Louis but he hasn’t been able to get the Blues to stop Blues-ing. Missing the playoffs and keeping his job with that team is a neat trick though, and there’s only so much you can get out of Jay Gallon.

Pacific Division

Randy Carlyle (ANA) – MORON

He couldn’t make toast.

Rick Tocchet (AZ) – Moron

And Tocchet will give you 3-1 that Carlyle would fuck up the toast again.

Bill Peters (CGY) – Probably A Moron

Which is weird to say, because at times we’ve wondered if Stan Bowman ever dreamed of replacing Q with Peters. His Canes teams always were among the best possession teams in the league, so he must do something right. And yet they never came close to the playoffs, and now a gaggle of goalies have seen their careers turn into pulp in Raleigh so there must be something to the system he plays that does that as well. Until he actually sniffs the playoffs, he has to be a Moron. And Mike Smith is probably not going to get him into sniffing range.

Todd McLellan (EDM) – Not A Moron but barely

All of the blame can’t go to Peter Chiarelli for taking a team with clearly the best player on the planet and throwing it into the meat grinder. McLellan’s offensive system is pretty basic, and players get bored of it quickly. Yes, he’s got a roster that’s as seemly as a work by Picasso when he was on peyote, but the Oilers should play faster than they do. There’s only so much he could do with this, though.

John Stevens (LA) – Moron

I mean, does it matter? He’s slightly more exciting than Darryl Sutter I guess, but the Kings were still mind-numbingly boring and were fish guts for the Knights in the playoffs when the Kings tried to win every game 0-0. That’s the roster he has of course, which isn’t his fault. Also, the Flyers were mostly garbage when he was there, and then Laviolette took the same team much farther.

Travis Green (VAN) – Who Knows And Who Cares?

Honestly, do you ever think about this team any more? Did you know they still exist? It’s impossible to know anything about Travis Green, who couldn’t have a more generic name, considering the cat puke his GM keeps handing him. Buy this man a drink…and get his dog one too!

Gerard Gallant (VGK) – Not A Moron

He’s not a genius, as all he did with the Knights was copy what the Penguins had done the previous two years. But hey, few others did and look what happened. If you’re smart enough to be ahead of an admittedly moronic and wayward pack, that makes you Not A Moron. His Panthers teams were fine, too. The Knights are going to have a regression, probably a big one, but he wasn’t the one who handed Fleury that contract. Players seem to improve under him. That’s enough.

Everything Else

Our Should-Be World Famous GM Standings – Eastern Conference

By Sam Fels 1713 0

Let’s keep yesterday’s momentum rolling and move to the East:

Metro Division

Don Waddell (CAR) – Moron

Hardly seems fair as he only just got on the job. And that Dougie Hamilton trade is a good one. His desire to ship out Jeff Skinner probably isn’t. Not getting more of a sure thing in goal isn’t either. No pursuit of any offensive talent as well seems strange for a team that gets it in there less than a drunken teenager. But we have his tenure in Atlanta, and it didn’t come with a playoff win. What more do we need to say?

Jarmo Kekalainen (CBJ) – Moron

A bit harsh, as he’s built at least a decent, young team here and the Seth Jones deal is going to look genius in like three more years. And yet they have two playoff wins in a long time. They’ve never had a #1 center, and really without Sergei Bobrovsky they wouldn’t have a playoff appearance at all. Let’s say he’s a Moron but with a chance to change that very soon.

Ray Shero (NJ) – Not A Moron

Kind of an upset given how he mangled having Crosby and Malkin for so long. But he’s guided the Devils out from under the stench from past-it Lou Lamoriello, and turned the Devils into something you’d actually want to watch. Hell, he’d be on this list for Taylor Hall alone. They probably still need a whole new blue line, at least a top four, but it’s been way worse in the swamp. You needn’t look any farther than the other two teams in the Metropolitan New York area. Speaking of which…

Jeff Gorton (NYR) – Probably Not A Moron

We don’t know, because he was handed such a flaming dungheap from Glen Sather there isn’t much anyone could have done. They barfed up two playoff appearances for reasons no one can identify. His job would be easier if Henrik Lundqvist thought his marketing would be as good anywhere else but in NYC, but he doesn’t so what can you do? The Brassard trade was good, and the haul for Miller and McDonagh will do. Basically, he convinced an ownership and fanbase it was time to start over, and neither had ever showed the patience or stomach for that….well, ever. So that’s something. See what he does with it.

Lou Lamoriello (NYI) – Aged Moron

Wasn’t always this way, but definitely is now. The game has passed Lou by, he really did nothing in Toronto except the obvious of drafting Auston Matthews, while still diseasing the roster with Roman Polak and Leo Komarov and that ilk. He’s done even worse in NYI, where he watched Tavares walk and his only job was probably to convince him to stay. His name alone couldn’t do that. He’s then brought in Komarov and Matt Martin, which lets you know that senility has completely kicked in, and then complained everyone makes too much money like the cranky uncle who got into the gin at Thanksgiving. Except he’s running an NHL team. Just fold the Islanders and save everyone the trouble of caring. No one will notice.

Ron Hextall (PHI) – Moron Bordering On Not

Hexy has only had four seasons at the helm, but the Flyers have four playoff wins in that time. They have become younger and more dynamic, and if they take a step forward this season will blink on the “Not A” part of the sign. Konecny, Provorov, Patrick, Weal, Sanheim are all his picks and there are more on the way. It’s still the Flyers, which means they still need a goalie and will be until we find a wormhole where we can transit to somewhere we don’t have to hear about it anymore, but it’s getting there. But until the team takes the leap, you’re basically slightly more decorated Coyotes.

Jim Rutherford (PIT) – Moron With Rings

Sorry, I can’t do anything else. A first-rounder for Ryan Reaves makes my whole case. Yes, repeat champs with the Penguins but mostly with pieces he didn’t draft or get. No player he’s drafted has made an impact for the Penguins. Trevor Daley sucks and I don’t care what anyone says. The Phil Kessel deal worked out…and there have been some signings that came up trumps. Yes, there’s also the Cup in 2006, but that was based on weirdness of the entire league. I’m not even sure it happened. Again, first-rounder for Ryan Reaves (wipes hands, gets up from table and leaves).

Brian McClellan (WSH) – Not A Moron

I mean, I guess he has to be. They’ve won the division three times and finished second the other time in his tenure. They now have a Cup. The Oshie trade worked out, though that contract is still way dumb. Vrana is his only pick to contribute, but he’s only been at the back of the draft. The Carlson contract is dumb too but there was little choice it seemed. He’s brought in Eller, Niskanen, Connolly, and one or two others. He’s mostly playing with found gold, but he added to it enough we’ll let him pass through our very stern gates.

Atlantic Division

Don Sweeney (BOS) – Moron

The Dougie Hamilton trade v1 would be enough to state my case here. Trading for Rick Nash would be another cudgel that by itself I could use to beat him into the Moron category. There are some picks here, and canning Claude Julien should get some play as well. But most of this was here when he got there. Again, Hamilton and Nash. And McAvoy’s moon-faced ass is gonna flatline before too long.

Jason Botterill (BUF) – INC

Only been a year, so we’ll see where this goes.

Ken Holland (DET) – Perhaps The Luckiest Moron Ever

He’s got four rings and I have to call this like everyone sees it now. Since the cap came in Holland has been exposed as a very tan doofus who just rolled sevens with some late round picks that turned into Hall of Famers. The Wings needed to blow it up three years before they did, and now it’s not even clear their rebuild has a foundation. Even with decent picks, his last five drafts have produced Dylan Larkin and…Dylan Larkin. You can throw in Anthony Mantha and Andreas Anathasiou from the past seven drafts, and the latter they nearly fumbled away to the KHL because they ran out of money to pay him while hurling sacks marked “$” at luminaries like Mike Green, Trevor Daley, Justin Abdelkader, Frans Nielsen, and I assume still Todd Bertuzzi they just haven’t told anyone yet. Only in the NHL can a GM have as much jewelry as Holland does and we can safely say he has no idea what he’s doing.

Dale Tallon (FLA) – Moron

This hurts. He did construct the Hawks team of our lives, but see Holland, Ken. His tenure with the Panthers has been spotty at best, and his determination to undue everything GROSS NERDS did in Florida landed a conference championship in Vegas. The Panthers have yet to win a playoff series, and while they’ve had a “nice, young core (TM)” for years it really hasn’t moved forward in any way. At some point when you have Barkov, Huberdeau, Trocheck, and Ekblad, you have to DO SOMETHING. Missing the playoffs regularly is not that.

Marc Bergevin (MTL) – MORON

The Joel Quenneville coaching and management tree…IT’S FANTASTIC!

Pierre Dorion (OTT) – Moron

Do we even have to? Good.

Steve Yzerman (TB Diddler’s) – Not A Moron

This pains any Hawks fan to say, but we merely have to look at the results. He’s no genius, as the multiple contracts given to Braydon Coburn and the ones handed to Dan Girardi and Jason Garrison attest. But he’s built and kept that team together, even though there’s been a cap hell forecast for them for like three years now. Look at the other team from the ’15 Final and see who recovered from it better. Sure, Florida’s lack of state-income tax has helped, but they’re not the only state with that and yet he’s the only one been able to bend that into a feature. Jim Nill probably can’t even spell “income tax.”

Kyle Dubas (TOR) – Jury’s Out

Being a rape-apologist doesn’t help, but he’s only had the job a few months and before we know he was locked in a closet so Lou didn’t have to look at him. Signing the biggest free agent in years doesn’t take a genius, though the way the deal is structured is pretty creative. Getting Matt Martin off the books is a positive sign. If he solves their blue line problem, we’ll label him on the good side.

Everything Else

Our Should-Be World Famous Binary GM Standings – Western Conference

By Sam Fels 2016 0

If you’re a fan of the podcast, and we know some of you are even though you can’t publicly admit it for fear of  being ostracized/culled from society, you probably know that because hockey is so weird and silly we simply rate GMs and coaches by a simple, binary Moron/Not A Moron system. It’s clearly folly to try and rank them, or make anyone a genius, or make anyone a total, blithering idiot (though they might all be) because there’s so much luck involved, so much is pinned on the goalie they have or don’t have, and the cap system is just so punishing.

But because we’re running out the clock here until August when we go to figurative cottage, and mostly the free agency period has shaken out, perhaps it’s finally time to go through all the GMs and coaches and give our definitive Moron/Not A Moron say-so. So today we start with the Western Conference GMs.

Central Division

Stan Bowman – Not A Moron

Hometown bias sure, and recent seasons are pushing him toward the threshold a bit, but this is still a guy who boasts three rings (even if it’s with a core that isn’t his). He can still claim to be a good drafter, as even on the current team Schmaltz, Saad and DeBrincat are not only on the roster but major contributors, Jokiharju could be, Forsling (yes, a trade) still has hope, and departed players like Danault, Teuvo, and Johns are genuine NHL contributors. It might not be enough to save his job past this season, but he at least does one or two things well enough that he can cross the barrier.

Joe Sakic – Quite Possibly Not A Moron

Two years ago we would have said he’s definitely a moron. But then he launched Patrick Roy, and there appeared to be a plan in place for the first time. He got a decent haul for Matt Duchene, who might not be anything more than a really good #2 center or #1 left-wing, as Girard and Kamenev are very promising. He’s drafted MacKinnon, Jost, and Rantanen, though the rest of his drafts are shaky at best. The Grubauer trade looks to be all right. I’m going to leave him in the middle for now and see how this season goes.

Jim Nill – Moron

He wins every offseason, and the Stars have made the playoffs twice in six seasons. Sure, he was able to fleece the Bruins out of Tyler Seguin. Even the sun shines on a dog’s ass once a day. He’s utterly borked their goaltending for years. And Ben Bishop is no answer either. His drafts have produced Nichushkin, who fucked off for a couple seasons, and Julius Honka. He had a Karlsson trade and ruined it by telling everyone how much he was getting one over the Senators. He handed that contract to Martin Hanzal who has all the mobility of the DMV. This team has been one line and a comedy act for like four seasons. What was your favorite part of the second Ken Hitchcock era?

Paul Fenton – Incomplete

We don’t know yet, but he’s been handed an expensive mess by his predecessor Chuck Fletcher, who was definitely a moron as he’s trotted out Mikko Koivu as a #2 center for at least five years too long. All he’s really done is hand Matthew Dumba a kind-of-ok contract.

David Poile – Not A Moron, But Ignorantly Evil

He’s been around so long he has enough on the ledger to erase a first-rounder for Paul Fucking Gaustad. He’s assembled a couple different competitive Predators teams, and yet he’s still the same guy who re-signed and championed Mike Ribeiro and now has Zac Rinaldo there. Wait to see what he does with Austin Watson if you really want to see what he’s about.  The Turris trade isn’t good but there are enough picks and trades here that you have to say he’s Not A Moron. Getting Subban almost puts him there alone. That contract to Ryan Johansen is going to look Python-esque soon enough, and this team still doesn’t really have top line talent other than Forsberg, but the record is the record.

Doug Armstrong – Moron

The thing is with Armstrong, most of his moves I agree with when they happen. He held on to Ken Hitchcock too long, and the whole transition to Mike Yeo was mangled like a banana republic, and yet there’s plenty of talent here. But the insistence on shoving Jake Allen onto the Blues like he’s Roman Reigns even though he’s never proven he can carry anything, and the sticking with a blue line that is too slow and too ham-handed always limits where they can go. And this is the Blues after all.

Kevin Chevyldayoff – Not A Moron

We would have said Moron until this year, but look at this team and he finally had Hellebuyck come through to save it all. The drafting record is pretty solid, and we’ll see how he handles the cap hell that’s coming, but there are just too many good players here to label him anything else.

Pacific Division

Bob Murray – I Can’t Believe He’s Not A Moron

I still see his face in my nightmares when he was announcing the Jeremy Roenick trade, and his tenure in Chicago will always cause me to make a face like I just smelled a hot spring. And the bile I carry for the Ducks didn’t help. And yet the Ducks have made the playoffs eight of the ten years he’s been there. The Kesler contract is utterly hilarious, of course. And yet he’s brought in a raft of good, young players over the years. While Getzlaf and especially Perry are turning odd colors in the sun, they finished second in an admittedly woeful division next year before falling flat on their face. He’s close, and it’s all about to fall apart you hope, but the record is what it is.

John Chayka – Moron

He’s a computer boy, and I want to root for him, but at some point don’t the Coyotes have to actually matter? The Domi-for-Galchenyuk trade is great if they can get the ladder to pick his head up. Getting actual pieces for just taking Hossa’s contract is smart. But this team always sucks. And it has Rick Tocchet as coach. And for all the high draft picks they’ve boasted, where’s the guy you’re getting really excited about? Clayton Keller and whichever Strome they have? That’s not enough considering how long they’ve been in the shitter. If you’re going to be Hockey Billy Beane you eventually have to be good.

Brad Treviling – Moron

He traded Dougie Hamilton, probably one of the five best d-men on the planet, because he liked to go to museums. I don’t think I have to say much more.

Peter Chiarelli – Moron

The trade is one-for-one…

Rob Blake – Moron

To be fair, there isn’t much of a track record on him yet, as he’s only had one season at the helm. But we can tell where he’s going, and handing a bunch of money to 35-year-old Ilya Kovalchuk is not a good start. He also traded for Dion Phaneuf, who was never good and the only reason anyone thought he was is because he’s got “HOCKEY FACE” and his wife is hot and Canadian as well. That goes miles with Canadian media. If any player had married Shania Twain or Nelly Furtado they would have won six consecutive Hart Trophies, no questions asked.

Doug Wilson – Not A Moron, And Handsome!

The Sharks are always there, and though they’re old and kind of just there now they’re still there. Sure, he changes all the names of their prospects to something ridiculous just like the St. Louis Cardinals do, but even though all their good players are over 30 they’re still somehow the favorite in the Pacific. They’ll probably never win it, and they’ve basically existed to play the losing foil to a better team, but you go this long and remain around the fringes you’re doing something right.

Jim Benning – “Benning” Actually Means Moron

No need to go any further here.

George McPhee – Sadly, Not A Moron

This is still a guy who punched an opposing coach over a preseason game, which in any other sport would see you banished for life. In hockey it gets you a beer from Steve Simmons or something. While the luck was overflowing with the Knights last year, this is still a guy who caught onto a trend most of his colleagues haven’t and packed the team with speed and told them to play a system that got it the fuck up there. He also didn’t go all-in and mortgage the future on what is a team that will probably take a few years to get back where it was, and the Stastny contract is fine. He also has the Caps years to his credit, though they always fell short and his handling of coaches was beautifully idiotic. He’s not going to get 40 goals from Wild Bill Again, and the Fleury contract will not only bite him in the ass but devour it entirely soon. But they have so much cap space they can probably get away with it. We’ll come back to this when more of his draft picks and signings are on the docket.