Everything Else

Friday Foofaraw: Our Definitely World Famous Chicago Bears Roundtable

By Sam Fels 1765 0

Unlike Hess, Rankin, and Pullega, the “core four” still live in this wonderful city and call it home. We have not abandoned it for some horseshit covered outpost or soulless suburb. Which means, we still bleed blue and orange. We know the Bears are the soul of this city, for better or for worse (so much worse). And like everyone else, we’re pumped about Sunday and the season ahead. So in a tradition unlike any other, we share our football thoughts, carrying on the tradition of “The Committed Idonije.”

We barely saw Mitch Betta’ Have My Money in the preseason. We really don’t know what’s in store for this season. Do you think the limited preseason action will matter and what are you expecting from our boobies-loving QB?
McClure:  First of all, it’s “tittiess”, and the Mack acquisition is such a trajectory-changer that it alters the prism through how we the giardiniera soaked masses view Mitch Please. IN THEORY, Mack takes a significant amount of pressure off of Mitch and will give him shorter fields to work with and hopefully leads to protect. Not that a QB drafted at #2 overall needs to project as a dreaded Game Manager (not Laramie), but Mitch’s margins just got a lot wider, and any rust that could be in place by Nagy giving the finger to the tradition of the dress rehearsal pre-season game should be knocked off by the end of the first half on Sunday. So, cliff notes answer- no probably not.
Feather: Like our new overlord Matt Nagy said, if Mitch falters early, it won’t be because he didn’t take 20 snaps in the preseason. 

I’m very interested to see what this offense (and Mitch) will look like when the bell goes off on Sunday. Clearly, the Bears were making a concerted effort to avoid putting anything on film. And they were obviously doing something worth watching in the Denver scrimmages to have the ever-weird John Elway paying complements to Mitch. So I’m not too worried about the lack of preseason reps. 

Realistically, I just want to see A) Mitch stay healthy the whole season and B) new wrinkles continually added to Nagy’s offense as the year progresses. I don’t ask for much. Just make my Sunday’s interesting again. Please.
Slak: I don’t worry about the preseason because I’m not a loser like Hub Arkush. That said, I think they’ve kept a ton of stuff re: the playbook from the public and it should be interesting to see if it plays out in our favor. Mike McCarthy’s comments seem oblivious as he is wont to sound, but then again he’s not gonna come out and say “here’s what we’re going to do to stop the Bears.” There’s an element of surprise and I am excited because Mitch does have one thing in his favor and it’s his unpredictability and athleticism. The big question is can he throw? 
Fels: I’m a touch worried about accuracy. The athleticism is there, the offense is going to be a learning curve for everyone so I’ll take those mistakes, but the one thing I noticed last year is Mitch sometimes struggles to find a tight window (don’t we all?) Especially on a deep ball, because Fox never let him throw one last year. If he can’t hit some 40-, 50-, 60-yard bombs occasionally, then everything is going to get scrunched. If he can, sky’s the goddamn limit. MITCH BETTA’ HAVE MY MONEY.
How good is this defense gonna be?
McClure: There is no limit to how good this defense can be. Everyone and their obese uncle on twitter has posted positional parallels for Vic Fangio’s fearsome defense in San Francisco to the personnel that slots in here, and things certainly look favorable. If nothing else, this defense will look more aggressive than Lovie’s bend-but-don’t-break and takeaway the ball system, and could very well be better if everyone stays healthy.
Feather: This defense SHOULD be as much fun as the first three years of the Lovie Staff and his Smith era when Tommie Harris still had two attached hamstrings. 

As McClure said, the Mack acquisition completely changes the prism by which this unit should be viewed. Of course, Roquan Smith missing the preseason (and to a lesser extent Mack) probably means this defense won’t come out of the gates breathing fire. More likely, it’ll take a couple weeks of the Bears getting slightly torched; people losing their minds and then getting on a roll after everyone gets a good feel for each other.
Vic Faaaaaaangio. Just wanted to get that one in. 
Slak: Injuries, as always, will dictate that. Trader Vic is no slouch though and I think he’ll get as much as one can from this group and goddamn is it talented. I am really excited to see them get back to being the terrifying takeaway machine we remember from the mid 2000s. 
Fels: I don’t even want to compare it to Lovie’s, as fun as they were at full-strength. This defense has the potential to be our mid-80’s group because unlike Lovie’s, this one’s gonna come and get ya. There will be angles and blitzes and ferocity and outright terror and I am here for it. There will also be swagger, and that’s when things are going to get really fun.
Khalil’s gonna kill you…Khalil’s gonna kill you…Khalil’s gonna kill you…
 
Is Allen Robinson going to be a weapon? Does he even have to be with Taylor Gabriel, Anthony Miller, and Slak’s boy Javon Wims?
McClure:  If nothing else, Robinson has to be respected if not double covered, and with the plethora of on-paper skill position weapons this offense should have. Robinson doesn’t seem to have an excessive amount of WR Diva in him so playing decoy for a while for the betterment of the team should be alright, but eventually he’s going to need his touches to keep DB’s honest, and it will be on he and Mitch to make the most of those targets.
Feather: You also forget to mention Slak’s other boy Kevin White. I’m probably drunk on Bears Kool-aid but this really could be an embarrassment of riches if all things come together. Hell, even if Anthony Miller is the only one of the young guys mentioned who pans out that will still be a success…by Bears standards. 

The key to it all taking off, though, is Robinson. If he starts strong and draws the attention of the opposition, it’ll open single coverage on guys like Miller, Burton, Wims, etc. 
He’s such a huge target. So long as his ACLs don’t shatter on impact, I cant think of a good reason why he wouldn’t be considered a major weapon. 
Slak:  I think he will be if Mitch can find him. I love Wims because I watched a lot of Georgia football last year and I think Anthony Miller can be a super dependable guy for us. Jury’s out on Gabriel but the guy you didn’t mention is Trey Burton. I think he’s gonna be really good. 
Fels: The amount of weapons the Bears could have is kind of astonishing. And that leaves out what could be a really decent running game and a coaching staff that can maximize the fun of Tarik Cohen. They’re going to get goofy and I can’t wait. Really, All Robinson has to be is a cog.
How many things in your house did you punch in joy when you found out about Khalil Mack?
McClure: Well, not nearly as many as Slak, who sent us all a 7:30AM “WAKE UP MOTHERFUCKERS THEY DID IT” text last week.
Feather: One, myself in the face. 
Slak: I think I texted you clowns immediately. I felt higher than giraffe balls. 
Fels: This is probably too much info, but I got Slak’s text on the toilet, Now that’s an experience.
Ok, seriously, can the Bears actually be like, good this year?

McClure: Short answer “Yes” with a “Maybe”, long answer “No” with a “But”.

Feather: I feel like my answer to this is the same every year – yes. Not to be a St Louis Blues fan “this time will be different” but this season has a different feel than any in the past decade or so. There are so many things to like about this roster and there’s still that new car smell of the coaching staff that there doesn’t seem to be much wishcasting when you start trying to imagine a 9 to 10 win team.  So what we have is 100% pure, unfiltered optimism. God help us all.

Slak: t’s a really tough division – the hardest question is who finishes *last* in the NFC North? It’s loaded. Based on that, it’s going to be a tough year for any of those teams and I welcome relevance. We’re not asking for much – just let us care again. Let us love. 

Fels: I’m all fucking in. I think 10 wins is right there. Everyone barks about the schedule but you honestly have no idea what the schedule will look like come Halloween. Yeah, the division is tough, but it’s not like Green Bay or Detroit are fucking juggernauts. And you can Kirk Cousins this, beeyotch. There are three pretty winnable AFC games there, The Bucs and Giants blow. Win your division games at home and those five and there’s eight wins already. Then it’s just about picking off one or two others. It can be done. It will be done.

FOOTBALL’S COMING HOME.

 

Everything Else

You Share The Same Fate As The People You Hate – ’18-’19 Team Previews: Detroit Red Wings

By Sam Fels 1757 0

This isn’t even fun anymore.

Ever since I was a child, I longed for the day when the Detroit Red Wings would be a flaming shit heap sliding into that river that is also a flaming shit heap and could leave us the hell alone forever. It took close to 20 goddamn years, and for them to flee to the inferior conference at the time so they could hold onto their precious, meaningless playoff streak for two more years like some nine-year-old who still has a fucking binky, but it happened. Ever since their move to the Eastern Conference so their eight fans who actually live in Detroit and not here wouldn’t have to stay up past lights out at West Shoreline, they have been irrelevant. Their GM has been shown to be perhaps the luckiest fraud on the face of the Earth. No one wants to go to their shiny new arena that their supposed “hero” bilked them out of hundreds of millions of dollars they didn’t have to build and then not go to. They’re actively awful, and everyone knows it. They’ve become what they derided us for being for so long. The rebuild will go forever because they’ll never fire Ken Holland and he just keeps smiling that diluted, in-0ver-his-head grin at the press and everyone assumes everything is fine. It’s not. This team sucks and will for a very long time.

But now…we’ve all moved on. With Henrik Zetterberg likely to never play again, this might be the worst team in the league. They could seriously give the Senators a run for their money. Good God, Thomas Vanek is going to be on the top line, and Thomas Vanek stopped being able to move three years ago. They might get the #1 pick…no, scratch that, the NHL WILL rig it to give them the #1 pick to gift wrap them Jack Hughes because Bettman still thinks he needs the Red Wings for the league to be successful. And then Holland will trade it for the negotiating rights to Max Pacioretty two weeks before he hits the market. This is beyond taking candy from a baby. This is beating your toddler at Madden 142-0 and then punting him out the window without feeling one way or the other about it.

Let’s go through this and see if we still feel.

Goalies: Somehow, Jimmy Howard is still here, despite being in trade rumors since he was in the 3rd grade (the height of his education, like 75% of the players in the league). This is also the last year of that contract that made no sense, but don’t you worry, Ol’ Six-Gun Holland will extend him for $7 million a year until 2048 if he has a good October. Just you fucking watch. Howard was pretty putrid last year, only putting up a .910 and a .916 at evens, but he was playing behind nothing. Or at least that’s what you’d think except the Wings were middle of the pack when it came to attempts and chances against. Jimmy Howard is just there. He’s a billboard on the expressway. You use him to identify where you are as long as you’re going somewhere else hurriedly. Like that Magikist one by the Fullerton entrance on the Kennedy for decades.

Anyway, he’s going to be backed up by Jonathan Bernier, whom Holland signed for three years for some reason. Perhaps he sees him taking the starting role when Howard’s deal is up next year and can serve out the remaining years of this rebuild that’s only working in Holland’s head. I have no idea. But you don’t sign Jonathan Bernier for more than one year. It’s the “Mr. Pussy”  corollary from season 1 of Sex And The City. You don’t date Mr. Pussy. You take him for as long as you need service and then you release him back into the world. Fuck, why do I even know this? This is Jamie Benn‘s favorite reference we’ve ever made.

Defense: Jesus H. Christ, do not look too closely at this half-assed Boccioni of death. This team is still trying to make Danny DeKeyser happen. IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. They re-signed Mike Green out of pity, I guess. Niklas Kronwall is here to tell you about the onion on his belt. Trevor Daley. My lord people, Trevor Daly in the top four, possibly top pairing. Trevor Daley only exists for people who huff paint to yell at Mark Lazerus. What is this? I don’t even know what this is supposed to be. They don’t have one fucking kid who can crack this lineup? Oh right, there’s a Chelios descendant here who I assume they signed before he went to jail for beating up some college kid in a bar fight he most definitely started because the kid was reading at the bar. This is some rebuild, Ken.

Forwards: More public transit puke. Dylan Larkin slides up to take the #1 center role. Hey did you know he’s from the area and went to Michigan? I bet you didn’t because it’s not like they tell you that every eight seconds!  He’s a child of Datsyuk! He probably hates gay people too! Gustav Nyquist is riding shotgun to score 20-25 goals that absolutely could not matter less. They shipped off Tomas Tatar but I’m assuming he’s still somehow here because we had to hear about how he’d revolutionize the sport for 12 years in the minors before he came up to the Wings to do a whole lot of not much. Hey, same for Tomas Jurco, come to think of it! There’s still a fucking Bertuzzi here. They’ve already drafted his sperm sample. I guess I’m supposed to think Anthony Mantha is a thing, I don’t. Andreas Athanasiou (I can’t wait another day….), or Andreas Anathasiou because I assure you it doesn’t make a difference, moves to center after the Wings tried to fuck him over with his contract last year. He’s really fast…and that’s it. Someone should have told them they didn’t need another Darren Helm because the old one is still here (now with detachable hips!). Evgeny Svechnikov is going to be on the top line by Halloween, and if he isn’t it’s only because the Wings are still trying to make everyone think they “overcook” their prospects when in fact all their prospects just sucked. Seriously, there are maybe two 20-goal scorers here. This team might not score 200 goals this year.

Outlook: Horrid. Their only hope is that they’re so terrible they finally fire Holland and find a GM worth a shit, except no NHL team ever does that they just hire some red-faced jackwagon who picked his head up off the hotel bar at the Stanley Cup Final long enough to say yes. They’ll make big noise about luring Yzerman back home, he’ll take one look at that roster and pipeline and laugh so hard he’ll tear an abductor. They should make Holland and Ottawa’s Dorion slug it out for Hughes. Or better yet, rig the pick to the Hawks after McDonough threatens Bettman with something. This team is going to suck out loud, to the point where you won’t even enjoy it. Even hearing their name will cause a giant, “UGGGHHH!” Wait for the excuses to why their arena dedicated to pizza that tastes like despair is 1/4 full for both the Pistons and Wings.

Khalil Mack is going to Scorpion overrated fraud Matthew Stafford and then chuck his giant moon-face into Comerica Park between the two broadcasters who are so miserable watching the Tigers they’re fighting each other. How Detroit is that?

Previous Team Previews

Buffalo Sabres

Boston Bruins

Everything Else

You Share The Same Fate As The People You Hate – ’18-’19 Team Previews: Boston Bruins

By Sam Fels 2140 0

There are two schools of thought on the Black And Gold of Causeway St. One is that they geniusly (maybe a word?) negotiated the losses of Tyler Seguin, Dougie Hamilton, and Blake Wheeler years ago to construct a young, dynamic team and that maybe GM Don Sweeney isn’t the grinning dope we always made him out to be. The other is that they are one line led by perhaps the best two-way center in the game and got extremely lucky when some players played way above their heads and Tukkaa Rask re-emerged from his years-long trip to the Zoo Of Confusion. The truth is somewhere in between, but the Leafs got better (though not nearly as much as people think), the Lightning are still superior and are probably going to have Erik Karlsson in tow at some point, and the Panthers might actually be good. So the Bruins might be in deeper than they think this upcoming season.

’17-’18: 50-20-12  112 points  270 GF  214 GA   23.5 PP%  83.7 PK%  53.7 CF%  7.8 SH%  .923 SV%

Goalies: Tuke Nuke ‘Em will still be the main guy. Somehow, he’s only 31, even though it seems like he’s been around forever. This will be his seventh season as the Bruins’ starter, after backing up Tim “I’m The Less Charming
Steve Carlton” Thomas for two seasons.

Rask had something of a bounce-back season last year, which was a big reason for the Bruins going from missing the playoffs for two seasons and being a first-round knockout the third to a…well, second-round knockout. He’d been league-average or so the previous two seasons, and overall wasn’t too much better last year at .917 SV%. However, his even-strength save-percentage rose as did his shorthanded mark, and he was somewhat undone by a raft of short-handed goals against.

Rask’s numbers also skew because he was great in the first half and only so-so in the second, highlighted by a .955 in the month of December. No other month did he surpass .920 after that, and at this point somewhere around .918 is what you can expect of him.

Further complicating things for Rask is that he’s now kind of just a guy who makes the saves he should make but not many he shouldn’t. His high-danger SV% last year was only middling among starters, and because of the defense in front of him being vastly overrated he’s going to see a fair number of really good chances. He’s not going to kill you but he’s not going to carry you either at this point in his career.

Backing him up will be Jaro Halak, now that the Islanders are done trying to cram him down everyone’s throat and screaming, “It’s ice cream!” Halak is always ok when he’s in one piece, which is just this side of never. He’s perfect for a backup at this moment in his career, though might be asked to do a touch more than anyone would be comfortable with for this team. The limited appearances should help with his health, though. He won’t sink them.

Defense: There’s this narrative that the Bruins have a great top-pairing and are solid enough beneath it. I don’t buy it for half of a second. Every time I looked up in the playoffs or any game where the Bruins were playing a halfway decent team, Charlie McAvoy was in the trail-technique made famous by Lemuel Stinson. You can drive a truck through the spaces he leaves behind him and his open-gaped mush. Zdeno Chara is better than anyone who is 143 years old has any right to be, but that doesn’t make him dominant. The Lightning sure didn’t think so. I know what the numbers say, but this was the pairing deployed behind Patrice Bergeron the most. When not behind #37, their numbers are decidedly ordinary. I’m guessing McAvoy gets exposed this season and the Metamucil spokesman as his partner can’t keep up.

As for the rest, we’ve known for years that Torey Krug is great when parked in front of the other team’s blue line, and a high school musical when anywhere else. Brandon Carlo is fine, just as someone named “Brandon Carlo” would be. John Moore is so beloved after his time in New Jersey that Devils fans were trying to throw Jimmy Hoffa at him. There’s a couple kids who could fill out the third-pairing here, but this is not a special unit. Especially when they’ll be seeing the advanced attacks of the Bolts, Leafs, and yes Panthers for nearly a fifth of the season.

Forwards: It begins and ends with Patrice Bergeron’s line. Still probably the best in hockey, whatever you think of Brad “The Last Hapsburg” Marchand. Whether David Pastrnak skates with them or not they simply dominate. Because of this alone the Bruins are at least not-incompetent. However, after that it gets dicey.

David Krejci is 32, and has seen his scoring decline the past three seasons. He’ll also be saddled with Jake DeBrusk and David Backes as his wingers if nothing changes, though Pastrnak could end up here to spread things out a bit. DeBrusk might be a thing, and he might not. He put up 43 points in his rookie year, and the Bruins are going to need at least that from him again on the top six. Still, his lower-level numbers don’t suggest he’s supposed to be a lethal scorer.

It’s the centers after that that make you tug your collar and go, “Yeeeeesh.” Chris Wagner and Sean Kuraly. They’ll miss Riley Nash, which is a sentence. Danton Heinen turned some heads last year with 47 points, but much like DeBrusk he hadn’t shown to be a high-level scorer in lower levels. If they both level out again this year, the B’s are short on scoring. Ryan Donato is here and he does have college scoring pedigree, and with the way everyone sprayed their shorts on his arrival last season he’d better be the second coming otherwise this is just more Boston bullshit (which the Revolution should change their name to tout suite).

Outlook: Despite all the unnecessary noise about them, this is still a good team. I just don’t think it’s as good as the Leafs or Lightning, meaning the Bruins would have to go through both to go anywhere in the playoffs. And that didn’t go so well for them last year when they were deeper and luckier. If the Panthers get spiky they could even relegate them to a wild card, though that might even be preferable to go to the other division. They’re short on scoring past the top line, especially when Backes becomes nothing more than a Yellow Submarine, Blue-Meanie sympathizer this season. There’s a lot riding on kids, which can always go either way. Third place seems like the height of expectation here.

Everything Else

The All-Ugly Team

By Sam Fels 9991 0

In my time doing The C.I. program, I had to sift through every player’s PR photo. And pretty much every hockey player looks the same. A bad haircut, iffy skin, and vacant eyes. Oh sure, there’s a Patrick Sharp or Vinny Lecavalier or Henrik Lundqvist every so often. Mostly though, you just see hundreds of guys you’d just want to get out of your way in some Canadian bar without another thought.

But every so often, I’d hit a photo and just say, “Whoa, that is an unfortunate looking man right there.” Or straight up Scarsipious, “WHOA GOD, THAT GUY’S UGLY!” And for any of you who get that reference, seek help immediately. And as we ramp up here a bit leading into actual season previews, I thought I’d continue yesterday’s work and present the All-Ugly Team.

So strap in tight, and prepare to feel a little better about yourself. Except, of course, these guys are world-class athletes and millionaires and all that goes with it. But we don’t have to think about that.

Goalie: Devan Dubnyk

The only person to double-up on both teams so far, we present Devan Dubnyk, who is a perfect fit for Minnesota as he’s the type to tell the bartender he’s “looking for some action, if y’know what I mean” in some bar in the woods. Being extremely tall and gangly probably isn’t going to help the cause much either, giving him a demonic wavy-arm ballon guy vibe. And this smile is something you’d see on a toddler when he won’t tell you where exactly he took a shit.

Defense: Roman Polak

It’s not easy to toe the line between “circus bear” and “mug shot of a sex offender” but Roman Polak is able to turn the trick. And that’s the only line he can toe, believe me. Perhaps the only player to appear on this team whose game is actually uglier than he is, which is really saying something. You have to hand it to Polak, though, because this is central casting when looking for a palooka of a defensemen whose play is an interpretation of a sausage belch. You could scour the Earth and not do better than this.

Defense: Charlie McAvoy

Honestly, the Bruins could have made up this whole team, as you’ll soon see. Fifth Feather has made a regular habit, both on the podcast or just in life, of making sure to call McAvoy either a “moon-faced mouth-breathing loser” or “pie-faced, mouth-breathing loser.” Whichever way he goes, his claim of “you can hear him breathing through the TV” is apt. No wonder Bruins fans worship this guy, as their whole city is filled with morons who look like they tried to head-butt a manhole cover.

Right Wing: Patrik Laine

I can’t find the original person to write it, but someone said Laine with the beard looks like he should be making me answer three questions to cross a bridge. At this point he’s probably in on the joke, and in some ways being Finnish is a form of cheating for this because Finland has had a remarkable skill of producing the most curious looking hockey players in recent history. Two words: “Olli” and “Jokinen.” Almost every Finnish player, and really most Finnish people from my experience, have this glaze over their mush that makes it seem like the entire country has just seen too much. Considering all the darkness there, maybe they have. And if they’re consistently surrounded by people who look like Laine and Jokinen, they definitely have.

Left Wing: Brad Marchand

Andrew Cieslak, in an issue of the C.I. in 2015, said of Marchand, “He looks like the lovechild of the last Hapsburg and DJ Qualls.” I don’t think I can say it any better. Marchand was definitely the kid in your school who would run up to anyone from behind and slide his hand up their ass crack yelling, “Credit Card!” In kindergarten he definitely ate worms. He eats worms now, likely. Perhaps the reason he plays like such an asshole is he’s lashing out at the world for making him look like this. All that licking is just a desperation to be loved, because it’s never going to happen for real for a guy who looks like a rat got face-fucked by a tire iron.

Center and Captain: Evgeni Malkin

If an unsolvable algebra equation could be a face, then it would be Evgeni’s Malkin’s. Nothing on this lines up. His mouth looks like it’s trying to escape. His eyes are clearly made of two different materials. Seriously, the Russian national team with Malkin, Datsyuk, and Ovechkin on it was just “Monsters Inc.: In The Gulag Now.” When he screams after scoring I’m sure at least two teammates of fainted or run away in terror and forsaken the lord. Sloth watches Penguins games to feel a kinship. Sometimes Geno’s game forces you to not look away…as long as it’s his number showing.

Everything Else

The All “Yeah But Who Gives A Sh*t” Team

By Sam Fels 2475 0

This is a category we invented ourselves. It doesn’t necessarily mean these players suck. It just means that their production never means anything. These are those players when you check the stats, and you see one of them had 33 goals or 71 points and you say, “Did I know that?” And chances are you didn’t because it didn’t mean shit for their team’s success, it took place in the dark, or both. They were empty calorie points. Basically, this is the Brad Boyes Memorial team, as Boyes was the master of getting you 27 goals whether you needed them or not, and it was always not.

So what follows is the All-Stars of putting up stats that rarely if ever matter.

Goalie – Devan Dubnyk

This is always the hardest one to pick, because generally if the goalie is good then the team is good so it’s complicated to find a goalie who puts up the numbers and then the season ends and you forget he or the team ever existed. Thankfully, the Minnesota Wild exist and are always good for forgetting they do. Honestly if their fans didn’t yell so loud about everything they probably would just snap into nothing and the league wouldn’t notice and everyone would just get an open date and then about March the NHL offices would be like, “Oh shit, should we have done something about that? Oh who cares?”

The past four seasons in Minnesota, Dubnyk doesn’t have a SV% under .918. His even-strength SV% has never been below .926. Considering the mish-mash of flotsam in front of him with the Wild, without him they probably miss the playoffs every year and maybe, just maybe, people would stop considering Bruch Boudreau some kind of round, Haagen-Dazs pinata of a genius.

And yet who gives a shit? The Wild have won exactly one playoff series in that time (which came against the Blues so does it really count?), and all that got them was getting thwacked by the Hawks in a sweep in the next round. Since then they’ve won four playoff games. They’ve only finished above third in the division once. Dubnyk is stopping all those pucks to keep a team middling and watch Jason Zucker score a bunch of goals while everyone still waits for Mikael Granlund to become Finnish Truth in hockey’s version of a Beckett masterpiece.

Defense – Oliver Ekman-Larsson

We love OEL. There probably isn’t a more gorgeous skater in the league. We’ve designed hundreds of trades over the years to get him here. He’s still somehow only 27. And yet…the Coyotes always suck. Like, really suck. The “plan,” whatever it is, never seems to work. And before you argue about the roster around him, which is a valid point but not total, look at the dreck Erik Karlsson somehow makes relevant most every year. No, OEL is not Karlsson, but if he were as good as sometimes boasted wouldn’t we know the Coyotes actually exist more than four days a year?

Ekman-Larsson has put up more than 40 points for five straight years. The Yotes haven’t come within a $50 Lyft of a playoff spot in those five years. They’re almost certainly not going to sniff one this year, even with Galchenyuk getting to play center and another year for Clayton Keller. Look around at the d-men that OEL is considered in the class of, and ask how many have teams that are completely irrelevant?

Defense – Alex Pietrangelo

Over the past five seasons, OrangeJello is 10th in scoring among d-men. He’s put up more points than Duncan Keith, Mark Giordano, and Kris Letang. And yet we can’t tell you why anyone should care. Pietrangelo has somehow conned his way onto two Canadian national teams, even though we couldn’t tell you what it is he does at a world-class level. He’s been the #1 d-man on the Blues for years now, and they have never done anything anyone would notice except for one conference final appearance. He’s big, and he’s like, somewhat mobile, but also not all that quick. He’s basically the most boring #1 d-man in the league, and is a bigger reason why the Blues are continually submarined by having mud in their tires than any Blues fan will ever admit outside of having jumper cables attached to their genitals.

Honorable Mention: Keith Yandle, John Klingberg

Left Wing – Thomas Vanek

You know a player isn’t worth a damn if the Wings have signed him in the past four seasons. Every fucking year Vanek would be in some outpost that had only just discovered indoor plumbing, halfway through the season he’ll have potted like 15 goals when his team is down 5-2, and then at least four GMs are like, “WE GOTTA HAVE THIS GUY IN FRONT OF THE NET IN THE PLAYOFFS!!!” Then he gets traded and said GM who wins this derby of doofuses and shit-for-brains is shocked when Vanek spends all of his shifts looking like he’s trying to keep from soiling himself or is just hoping no one discovers he just did. His best playoff output was six goals in 16 games in 2007. That’s 11 years ago. He apparently was on that Wild team that went to the second round in ’15, or as Wild fans call it, “Valhalla.” He didn’t score a goal. Thankfully, I think we’re finally done with this act.

Honorable Mention: Jamie Benn, David Perron

Center – Eric Staal

In his second year, Staal put up 100 points and led the Canes to a Cup, which seems like one of those things where God went out for smokes and didn’t realize that switch had been flipped. In 2009 the Canes made the conference Final. Since then, Staal hasn’t been on a team that has won a playoff round. He has 141 points over the last two years, which has gotten the Wild 11 playoff games. The fact that he’s the #1 center on the Wild is more an indictment of the Wild than him, but he has piled up points in locales that pretty much everyone is looking for a way out of as soon as they get there.

Honorable Mention: Vincen Trocheck

Right Wing – Jason Pominville

This is more of a lifetime achievement award. Pominville has 277 goals in his career, and I can’t say I remember any of them. The last time he was on a team that mattered was 2007. He’s scored over 20 goals, or at that pace, 10 times in his career, and yet it feels like it’s just completing the scoresheet more than making any impact. If Rick Jeanneret didn’t have so much fun yelling his name, you probably wouldn’t know who he is. But don’t worry, he’ll still end up in the Hall of Fame somehow.

Honorable Mention: Jakub Voracek

Jersey Hanging In The Rafters – Rick Nash

Do you remember this past trade deadline, when Rick Nash was considered one of the biggest prizes on the market? The same Rick Nash who has defined “passenger” his entire career. The same Rick Nash that Rangers fans wanted to cover in BBQ sauce and throw into a wolverine pit? Needless to say, it wasn’t a huge shock when the Bruins were pulverized in the second round by the Lightning and Nash spent most of the series with the same expression on his face that was a perfect representation of skunky beer that he’s always had.

Rick Nash should have been unplayable every night. And a lot of nights, the ones in January and February where everyone has basically checked out, he was. When he would back in over the blue line, there was nothing anyone d-man could do. He has three 40-goal seasons. But you see the size, speed, and skill, and you know he should have been potting 50 and even 60 here or there. He should have been terrorizing teams. But no one ever had to plan for Nash when it mattered. The only time he looked like that was the ’10 Olympics when he could be a third-line player and Toews would have broken 10 sticks over his head if any of his linemates didn’t play like their ass-hair on fire. Rick Nash should have been Marian Hossa with better hands.

Instead he’ll just go down as the greatest Blue Jacket ever. That and $2.50 gets you on the bus.

Everything Else

Friday Foofaraw – A SummerSlam Thinkpiece: The Ballad Of Seth And Roman

By Sam Fels 2098 0

As most you know, on Fridays during the summer I basically go freeform to keep myself, and hopefully at least some of you, entertained. As you surely know now, I’m a wrestling dork and have taken a few with me. I will be in Brooklyn this weekend for both the NXT and WWE shows, and figured it was time to try my had at writing about it for the first time. Most of you won’t care, and that’s cool. But those who do I hope you like it. 

At the top, I think it’s important to cite Joe Soriano’s wonderful “Roman Reigns Isn’t Relatable Because He’s Never Emotionally Vulnerable” piece from DailyDDT.com as inspiration for this. But it got me to thinking about how someone from the same starting point as Roman, one Seth Rollins from The Shield, could accomplish so much more in the hearts and minds of fans than Roman has. And when you have the emotional shortcomings and successes so beautifully illustrated, it becomes so much clearer.

As stated, Roman and Seth started from the same place on the main roster, as two-thirds of the all-conquering with a win-an-election-anywhere-including-Antartica popularity, The Shield. And in The Shield, Roman’s limited, swaggering ass-kicker of the gods act works because it’s only telling a part of the story, and Seth and Dean Ambrose could fill in the rest. Roman barely had to talk (clearly when he’s best), only had to wrestle half the time he does now (if that) and was only responsible for a portion of the story. Namely when he’d get a hot tag and end everyone’s world.

Seth’s separation/heel-turn from The Shield already begins to tell a more layered story than they’ve ever had Roman tell. There is a vulnerability of course in every heel, something they have to shroud in being a chicken-shit cheater or menacing ass-beater coloring outside the lines or one soaking up every advantage provided by the powers that be. They have to take it to excess to hide a weakness. Seth’s desire to be at the top of the card and his feeling he couldn’t get there with his friends lead him to the ultimate betrayal and aligning with the powers that could get him where he thought he couldn’t get on his own. It was a selling out of his values, which is a shortcoming/vulnerability in itself. Underlying the act is a show of weakness, if only of character or morals.

Seth of course did get to the top of the card, always playing the heel and even sounding at times like he was convincing himself. That all came crashing down mere months after becoming so, with a devastating knee injury forcing him to give up the title he had basically sacrificed all that he had previously believed in before. Related, at that moment Roman was offered the same choice by one HHH you’ll recall, at the head of a tournament to provide a new champ. Roman declined it, giving us more of the tired “I’ve never taken a shortcut” story that fans were already turning from. As Soriano said, it’s just more of the uber-confident robot who never has to question himself. It’s an action-figure.

Seth would return to take that title from Roman in the summer, though he would immediately lose it to a cashing-in Ambrose. Seth’s uncertainty of what he could be after his injury, which was accented when HHH showed the same uncertainty over what Seth could be due to it. Which is why HHH handed the universal title to Kevin Owens, and sent Seth on a course to prove to himself and his boss that he could still do what he used to and be what he was, even as he had to negotiate another injury before their match at Wrestlemania 33. Seth actually had to overcome demons and doubts, whereas Roman has never even paid lip-service to it. Even defeats on the biggest stage seem to only steel his resolve, and that thing was adamantium before.

Since then, Seth began on the trail of turning back into a face, and doing so by having to convince his former “brothers” that he was sorry and wrong for turning on them. There was supposed to be a full-out reunion, though that got derailed by Roman getting the Mumps (and really, Roman catching the Mumps and being replaced by Kurt Angle is straight up Mets-ian). From then on Seth launched his IC chase and reign, and saw it end when he believed too much in himself with an open challenge and lost to Dolph Ziggler. All of it has basically landed Seth as the most over wrestler on the roster, and his matches are about the only thing keeping you from setting yourself on fire merely to feel again on Raw.

We’ve watched Seth swing wildly from tunnel-visioned sociopath, to a broken athlete, to one righting the wrongs of his past, to reveling in the newfound confidence. But you only get there through a journey, one that sees you question yourself and make mistakes and have to make amends for them. It’s a confidence and swagger built on the rubble of what didn’t work and the lessons learned.

Granted, on the ground, Seth has advantages over Roman. The big one is he’s simply a better in-ring worker and more varied. That’s not to say Roman is a bad worker, and far from it, he’s just not the greatly dynamic Rollins (and few are). He needs help from an opponent, and not the broken-controller work of Wreck-It Ralph that Brock Lesnar provides these days.

However, It’s not that Roman has always been a blank slate. There were two times when they had him over, and then went back on it to preserve the script that only exists between Vince McMahon’s ears. The first was after that tournament post-Rollins injury, which Roman won and then saw Sheamus instantly cash-in on him. Roman then simply boiled over, not only destroying Sheamus but also HHH. I suppose it’s arguable that the vulnerability in not being able to control yourself and letting circumstances finally get to you helped him connect. The next night, Roman won the title back while beating up Vince, and you may think I’m crazy but the Philadelphia crowd, PHILADELPHIA, cheered him. Becoming unhinged at your bosses is something we can all agree on, I guess. At least he was leaving the “always the right way, no shortcuts” character back to get what was taken.

Of course, Vince borked this by trying to turn him into Daniel Bryan again AFTER he won the title and making him defend it in odd circumstances and eventually against every Royal Rumble opponent.

The second time they had Roman over was after he retired the Undertaker and the only time they almost leaned into him being a heel. His best ever promo is still the five-word one the night after that Mania after wading through a full 10 minutes of the most vitriolic booing and chants anyone short of a despot would get. “This is my yard now.” Roman even wrestled more heel in the aftermath, and some of that work was the best in his career.

Because it was bravado we could believe. It wasn’t just based on scripts and meetings we couldn’t see backstage and matches he was given. He ended the career of perhaps the best ever (a greatly diminished best ever, but that doesn’t lower his stature). It was built on something. But WWE spurned that momentum too.

It’s amazing how you can start in the same place as someone and yet end up so different.

Everything Else

August Mishegas: Schmaltz, Saad, Whatever Else We Dug Out Of Our Ear

By Sam Fels 2690 0

Heading on vacation for the week, so let’s clear some stuff out before it’s all day drinking and yelling at college friends.

-Late to the train on this, but you can excuse me if I totally forgot the Detroit Red Wings existed. Anyway, they inked Dylan Larkin to a five-year extension, one that will carry a $6.1M hit. This has some bearing on the Hawks, because they’ve made a lot of noise about keeping some head room on the cap for when Nick Schmaltz and Alex DeBrincat, and any other jamoke that decides to have a good year, have to sign extensions themselves. And we know the Hawks are loathe to play hardball. They’ll either basically acquiesce to whatever any player they like wants, or they’ll trade them to Carolina.

Larkin’s deal is going to be something Schmaltz’s agent circles and uses as a starting point. While they’re hardly the same player, their production looks pretty similar. Larkin put up 77 points in his first two seasons, and Schmaltz has put up 80. Larkin is probably the better goal-scorer, but Schmaltz’s 22 is only one off what Larkin did as a rookie and hasn’t matched since.

What will have the Hawks a little worried is if Schmaltz bust out in his third season the way Larkin did, doubling his point-total from the previous season to this one just past. Ok, if Schmaltz did that he’d be a 100-point player so that’s not going to happen. And really, there isn’t too much where Schmaltz can bust. He shot 17.8% last year, and doesn’t appear to be the type who can mutate a 20%+ year. That 17% might even be an aberration. If he produces more shots, that would be an area where you could see the production rise out of. Schmaltz only fired off 1.5 shots on net per game, and just a little under three attempts. It’s not hard to envision playing a full year with Kane where that could go up, and if the percentages remained where they were and he tickles 30 goals he could become way expensive in a hurry.

Larkin also played with only middling talent, though Anthony Mantha is probably slightly more than that. Thomas Tatar really isn’t. Schmaltz is going to get a better platform, and a 60+ point season sees him in the $7 million range. No, it really could. Since The Great Lockout Of ’05, 34 players have managed 140 points or more in their first three seasons. All of them became at least what would be $6 million players today. Here’s the list in case you want to peruse.

-Scott Powers caught up with Brandon Saad’s summer training today at The Athletic. And if you want a lesson in saying nothing while looking like you’re saying nothing, check out the quotes from Brian Keane.

“We’ll track a number of different stats and things that are specific to the type of player that we’re looking at and try to identify areas they’re really excelling at, as well as areas we think they can improve upon,”

Wouldn’t that be every summer program?

“It really starts with the video and assessing all those different things we’re looking at and then start game-planning from there what we can to do to devise a plan for him during the summer.”

Yeah, again, wouldn’t this be every program? Or do most guys just go out and bail hay on some Canadian farm? I guess Saad would be on a Pennsylvania farm but you get the point.

“He can do that especially off a rush or a loose puck play where there’s a turnover and you have someone in front of him. He can use defenders as screens and read where the stick is to change the point of release or create that space for the shot. That’s been something we’ve focused on a lot. But also identifying where to pop in and out of seams and having a sense for when he can use those wheels to hit that seam and time it in a nice way where he’s giving himself a really good opportunity at the weak side or staying outside the pack and then reentering at the right time.”

Doesn’t this all boil down to “getting open?” Sure, changing shooting angles with the puck on your stick is something you can improve and not something Saad does a lot of, but if he doesn’t already have a sense of how to lose himself to the defense, is that something you can just learn?

Anyway, if it improves Saad’s accuracy or gives him a more lethal shot, I guess I’m all for it. Sounds like they’ve been saying what we’ve been saying, but whatever.

-NBC announced it was altering its hockey schedule a bit, which is good news. I guess. I mean the Hawks still appear more than anyone and they suck out loud, but mighty oaks from little acorns. The big news is that “WEDNESDAY NIGHT RIVALRY ARGH BARGH GRAB YOURSELF SPIT AND FART” is going the way of the dodo. Now it’s just “Wednesday Night Hockey” and more often than not will be a double-header. This is good news, as it allows NBC to get the likes of McDavid, Gaudreau, Karlsson, and various California players that are old now on national TV more often without waiting for them to visit the Flyers or Rangers. There will be more of a diverse lineup, as there should be, to highlight teams that are actually good instead of names you might know. If you can believe it, there’s actually a Jets vs. Leafs game on the slate.

Fine, whatever. It can’t hurt, though if they’re still going to have two drunken monkeys in the studio it’s still going to be an annoying broadcast. But at least it’ll be teams you want to watch, instead of more Hawks or Milbury breaking down why you need a Wayne Simmonds to win while he takes yet another dumbass penalty.

All right, jerks. Talk to you next week. Maybe.

Everything Else

Friday Foofaraw: Our Definitely Not (But Should Be) World Famous EPL Preview – Part 2

By Sam Fels 1641 0

Let’s keep it moving:

Leceister: The thing about Leceister is they could suffer three straight relegations and their fans are just never going to care. When you’ve pulled off the biggest miracle championship in sports history, you wouldn’t dare ask for more. Luckily, it won’t be that bad. They’ve hung on to Harry Maguire, but lost Riyad Mahrez so he can sit on the bench at City. There isn’t a lot of dash here, but Vardy always scored despite being an asshat. The players could chuck it on Cladue Puel, and then things could get dicey, but they seem destined for mid-table in a unmemorable way. Which is fine with everyone.

Liverpool: The bestest team ever.

Man City: When you roll over the most competitive league, all you can really do is add depth. So that’s what Mahrez is here to do. They have two guys for every position who would basically start most everywhere else. The only hope for anyone (i.e. Liverpool) is that their insatiable thirst for the Champions League causes them to lose sight of the league. It would take that and an injury crisis you’d have to think. Or everyone losing form at the same time. There’s a reason they won this by 17 points last season.

Man United: Now here’s some pointing and laughing. Jose Mourinho’s main trick, other than boring the life and soul out of everyone, is creating a siege mentality for his team. It’s them against the world, and it usually works…when you give him the most expensive squad in the world. Well, he’s got the latter, but he’s only succeeded in creating a seize mentality for himself. He hasn’t stopped bitching since last season ended, either about the board or his players. Paul Pogba has already had it with his bullshit, and that’s a fight Jose won’t win. He’s not the only player who’s probably aching for Mourinho to go. There’s certainly more than enough talent here to run with City and Liverpool, but not if they’re all miserable. If Jose gets sacked before Christmas, maybe someone can save it. Otherwise, they’re looking at third at best. And only because Spurs are too busy paying for a new stadium.

Newcastle: We say it every year. Newcastle should be Spurs or Arsenal. They have the most rabid support in the country. They have the stadium, and could probably sell out a 75,000 seat one if they wanted to. But you won’t find a bigger dickhead owner than Mike Ashley, who will tell you how much money he doesn’t have while stuffing his pockets. Rafa Benitez has bravely stuck on here for reasons only known to himself, even though Ashely won’t let him spend much more than for a pint after lunch. This squad needed a lot of help, Muto is a striker they needed, and Ki and Fernandes from Swansea help. But this could be so much more. Rafa will get the most he can out of them, it just won’t be what it should.

Southampton: Going down because Mark Hughes is a moron. Another coach who would fit in perfectly in the NHL.

Spurs:  Kind of amazing they’re the first team in PL history to not sign one player in the summer. It’s a really good squad, but it isn’t big enough to carry challenges at home and abroad. Their main rivals have improved or were better to begin with. How are they going to bridge the gap? Pochettino is good, but he’s not that good.

Watford: It’s Watford. They’ll start the first two months on fire, beat a couple of the big boys, play some attractive stuff, and then they’ll just fade out of vision right after Christmas, finishing like 14th in peace. And they’ll probably fire the manager, because it’s simply a reflex for them.

West Ham: Whereas Newcastle’s owner is actually an evil little shit, West Ham’s are just more on the incompetent side. But they may have gotten this summer right. Manuel Pelligrini got a lot of shit at City for not being Pep, just like he did at Madrid, but he’s a very good manager. There have been some keen signings to follow him to East London, and there’s actually hope even though all the fans hate the stadium. They’ll be an interesting watch for the right reasons instead of the b-circus they’ve been.

Wolves: They were almost as entertaining in the Championship as Fulham, and unlike Cardiff will at least entertain no matter what they do. They’ve brought in two Portugal internationals, and Ruben Neves is a fun toy. Keep an eye on.

 

Everything Else

Friday Foofaraw: Our Definitely Not (But Should Be) World Famous EPL Preview – Part 1

By Sam Fels 1851 0

You may be sitting there thinking, “Wait, how can it be time for more soccer? Didn’t the World Cup end like seven minutes ago?” And you’d be right! But the world of footy never stops (especially if you’re one of those weirdos who watches MLS), and this weekend sees the new Premier League season kick off! And anyone you know who watches soccer watches the EPL, so it’s the only one worth previewing (because only Madrid or Barcelona will win in Spain, Juventus in Italy, Munich in Germany, so it’s the only league with at least some drama. Or not, as you’ll see). Let’s rip through it!

Arsenal: So the first two years I’ve done this, I’ve written the same thing about the Gunners because it’s what always happened. Either everyone would get hurt in August, they’d slog around for the half the season, close furiously to finish nowhere good and then everyone would be excited about the next season. Or they’d start out hot, everyone would get hurt in February, and they’d fall apart like a frozen terminator. Well now they’ve let Arsene Wenger toddle off to wherever people like him go (I assume the most boring town in France), hired Unai Emery who’s famous for guiding PSG to some of the biggest full-body dry heaves in the Champions League in history with the world’s most expensive roster. But hey, he won a couple of NITs with Sevilla so you never know? Arsenal have a tantalizing front line with Lacazette and Aubameyang, and Mesut Ozil is probably going to have a big “FUCK ALL Y’ALL” season after whatever that World Cup was for Germany and for him. But they still don’t have much of a midfield behind him, or defense. It seems like 5th is their limit. Oh, and they’ve just been taken over by shithead-with-a-mustache (redundant) Stan Kroenke, so their future might look a lot like a port-a-john on Day 3 of a festival.

Bournemouth: This is at least the third straight year we’re all wondering how Eddie Howe is still managing at this club. Everton should have thrown everything at him, and maybe he’ll take the poisoned chalice that is Newcastle when Rafa Benitez resists murdering owner Mike Ashley and just leaves. Bournemouth will play more attractive football than any of the bottom 10 clubs have a right to, and they might finish 10th. That’s about as good as they can hope. And maybe Howe decides this is as far as he can take them.

Brighton: A miracle they survived, despite not being able to throw a grape into the ocean as far as attack went. They’ve bought an Iranian international, Allreza Jahanbakhsh, to help with that and I definitely didn’t have to check how to spell that five times. He scored 21 goals in Holland last year. You’ll recall Jozy Altidore did that once too, and he doesn’t know how his legs work. They’ll fight hard, be tough to beat, and be in a relegation battle by Thanksgiving.

Burnley: There is always a club that flies too close to the sun. That has every chance of being Burnley. They’ll add European football to this squad, which isn’t very deep. And while Sean Dyche does a great Sam Allardyce impression in that no one is quicker to point out his record despite what his squad costs versus his opponent’s, his teams play boring-ass football that only lasts for so long and will get found out on the European stage. It’ll also tire out and distract his players, so it wouldn’t be a huge shock if they find themselves in a relegation battle that Dyche probably long ago thought he’d never see again.

Cardiff: Their manager Neil Warnock would fit right in in the NHL. He’s an old, drunk blowhard who has not time for new ideas unless they flatter him. His teams are built on graft and effort and are torture to watch or follow. But he gets clubs up from the Championship, and then watches them become overmatched in the Premier League because his only tactic is “GO GET ‘EM, BOYS!” Well, that and blaming refs and foreign managers. Also their owner is one of the bigger raging assholes in the league, which is saying something, and changed their colors from blue to red even though they’re known as “The Bluebirds.” Remember that one guy from Bloodsport who tried to bribe everyone and loved Van Damme and always wore the nice suit? He grew up and became this guy.

Chelsea: You’d think a team with one of the richest people in the world as owner would figure out a way to hire a new manager a little sooner than three weeks before a new season, but you’d be wrong! Chelsea haggled with Napoli over Maurizio Sarri for so long that’s how it worked, because Napoli know how much money they have. So they’ve only been able to buy Jorginho to pair with Kante in the middle, instead of Danny Drinkwater which was high comedy for all of us out here in the fields. And a new keeper because Courtois has finally fucked off to Madrid, and this one’s even more expensive than the one Liverpool got. They’re still going to watch Alvaro Morata’s kleenex-like confidence disappear by October and there won’t be anyone around to score except for the 10 dumbass goals Olivier Giroud manages every year (they’re always in the last five minutes and they’re always off his shoulder). Eden Hazard will be checking out the real estate listings in Madrid, Barcelona, and Paris all season, and if anyone in defense gets hurt they’ll have to play David Luiz in a back four (remember how that worked out in Belo Horizonte in ’14) or the feet-less Gary Cahill. And Willian doesn’t want to be here anymore either. Seems like they’ll be drinking buddies for Arsenal.

Crystal Palace: They have one player in Wilfried Zaha, and their manager is three days older than water and not much more clued in than said water. They haven’t bought anyone, so unless Zaha goes “God mode” again, they could be in for a fight. Their best midfielder in Yohan Cabaye thought it was better to play in the UAE. That’s always a good sign.

Everton: This is where I’m supposed to point and laugh. They hired the manager, Marco Silva, they wanted to hire last year but then they had to settle for Sam Allardyce, a time for the club that will be looked upon as fondly as a roadside prostate exam. Richarlison will suck as soon as it gets cold again, and Lucas Digne is fine. But yesterday they added two from Barcelona and might have gotten Kurt Zouma on loan. Still, they don’t have a striker worth a shit anywhere and they’ll have to false-nine their way into goals. They’re destined to finish 7th or 8th from here until the end of the world.

Fulham: Probably your new favorite team. They got promoted playing probably the most exciting style in the Championship, led by left back/left winger/I’ll-go-where-the-fuck-I-please Ryan Sessegnon, who has a chance to be the next big thing. They’ve added Seri and Schurrle, which sounds like a hell of a law firm, and Mitrovic is simply the most bonkers striker out there, liable to score, get sent off, or just stand still and scream for 90 minutes equally. Whatever they do, you’ll enjoy it.

Huddersfield: Did you know David Wagner and Jurgen Klopp are buddies? If you didn’t the broadcasters will be happy to tell you eight times. They miracled their ass to safety last season, haven’t added anyone, and are going to try and grunt and fart their way to it again. Probably not going to happen.

Part 2 this afternoon…

 

Everything Else

#21

By Sam Fels 7623 0

It is a sad day for all Hawks fans. Stan Mikita passed away, the greatest Hawk of them all. While I could sit here and list off the numbers and accomplishments, or talk about the class and dignity I only experienced through the tellings of other people, I thought it might work better if we let someone who saw him play do the honors here. To illustrate what he meant to several generations of Hawks fans (yes Fork, I’m calling you old). So I’m going to let our friend Fork, from Hawks blog past Hockeenight.com, take over from here. (@Hockeenight). 

When I was born, Stan Mikita was a Blackhawk.

When I started Kindergarten, Stan Mikita was a Blackhawk.

When I got my first girlfriend, graduated grammar school, started shaving, got my first driver’s license, Stan Mikita was a Blackhawk.

When my high school class graduated, Stan Mikita was a Blackhawk. To be honest, he had just played his last game, but you get the idea.

It got to the point that I always figured I’d be on my deathbed, ready to head off into the great beyond, and Stan Mikita would swing around a defenseman, bury a puck behind me, and I’d slip away to the sound of the foghorn.

The Hawks of the 60s and early 70s were pretty much defined by two of the all-time greats, Bobby Hull and Stan Mikita. They were never linemates, Hull always on the top line and Mikita on the 2-line, with Kenny Wharram on the right, and Ab McDonald or Doug Mohns on the left. The “Scooter Line.”

Anyway, Hull and Mikita. Hull was right out of Central Casting, a handsome mass of muscle with curly blonde hair. Even his nickname, “The Golden Jet” sounded like it came from Hollywood. Hull was the fastest skater anyone had ever seen, with a huge slap shot. He was the perfect idol (on the ice, at least), a hockey God. Even the name “Bobby Hull” sounded like it came from a movie.

Mikita though, he was one of us. He never had any catchy nickname…we just called him “Stosh,” like anyone else named Stan from school or around the neighborhood. He was born in Czechoslovakia, and moved to Canada as a small child. The fact that he was from over there resonated with every Bohunk in Cicero/Berwyn, who claimed him as their own. We all identified so strongly with Mikita that even now there is a sea of #21 sweaters at every Hawks game. The name, like the man, was solid, dependable. Where the Canadiens had players with named that sounded like music, names like Guy Lafleur or Jean Beliveau, Stan Mikita sounded more like the guy who put a new roof on your aunt’s bungalow, or fixed your grandfather’s Rambler. Stan Mikita had a name like half the city of Chicago, and after every game he was at his locker, pulling on a dart just like everyone in the Stadium had during the game, giving the old barn that thick layer of smoke that probably made my young lungs look like those of a veteran coal miner’s. One of us.

And to that end, maybe it was fitting that he never left the Chicago area. He wound up having a few different businesses, but he never seemed to be a “Captain of Industry” type. He always made time for kids looking for autographs, as well as adults who could somehow seem starstruck around him, despite his completely unimposing air. He wasn’t a SUPERSTAR, even though he was. I mean, to this day nobody else has pulled off winning the Hart, Art Ross and Lady Byng in the same year, and he did it twice. But he never seemed to seek out star treatment or be aloof with anybody. He was one of us.

Stosh was one of the great innovators in the game too. One day one of his sticks got caught in a door jamb. By the time he finally was able to pull it out, the blade had a huge curve in it. He went out to practice with the curved blade, and the puck rose and dipped when he shot it. Hull and Mikita both used the “banana blades,” and now hockey sticks with curved blades are the norm. A far cry from when Maurice Richard scored so many goals with his backhand, which would not have been nearly as lethal with a curved blade. A guy who took a handyman’s approach – he found something unorthodox to do the job better than the standard tool, much like every handyman around Chicago. One of us.

My first hockey sweater was one my dad bought for me at Morrie Mages. The first one I pulled out was a #9, and my dad told me he didn’t want me wearing anything from “that fuckin wife beater.” So I wore #21. Then when I saw the back of his hockey card and saw he was from Czechoslovakia – the same place my great-grandparents came from – that cemented it for me. I’d go out with my Mikita sweater, my Chicago-brand skates, and a Mikita-brand helmet and my banana blade. There was one frozen patch where kids would go and skate, and I was always welcome because somewhere in my travels I’d acquired a net. But the #21 on my back and that helmet were where any similarities between me and Stosh ended. Except, of course, for the fact that we were both Bohunks in Chicago never quite overcoming challenges – for me, it was my family never having much dough, and for Stosh, it was the Canadiens. I’m pretty sure my dad’s dying words were “Fuckin’ Cournoyer.”

Dollar Bill managed to alienate every great old Blackhawks player, and as a result, neither Mikita nor Hull were in the United Center for years while the Hawks flailed away doing something that kinda/sorta resembled hockey if you squinted enough. When Dollar Bill finally shrugged off his mortal coil, Rocky Wirtz and John McDonough were able to mend fences, and Hull and Mikita returned to the Blackhawks as ambassadors. Of course, the cynic in me could point out that Rocky saw the monetary value in having those guys around, but that’s for another day.

Blackhawks fans my age (and older) were just happy to see them in the UC, and occasionally we’d get the extra trip down memory lane as Mikita would come out on the ice, or be up on the Jumbotron.

Once we heard about Stosh’s battle with dementia, we all knew this day would come. Just as we saw it coming with Walter Payton. Just as we knew Ernie Banks wouldn’t last forever. They all came here and stayed here. They’re as much a part of Chicago’s fabric as dibs and patronage.

So the next time you take a beverage to your lips, hoist it for Stosh. He will always be one of us.