Everything Else

Game #51 – Take Off Your Coat, It’s Gonna Be A Long Night – Hawks 2, Canucks 4

By John Pullega 2593 0

Box Score

Hockey Stats

Natural Stat Trick

We’ll talk about how the numbers say the Hawks should have won this game. We’ll look at three goals that Forsberg had no shot on and wonder. We’ll take long-term solace in the fact that most of the younger assets looked good again tonight. But at the end of it all, the Canucks were a $100 gift card that the Hawks carelessly threw in the trash. To the bullets.

– Let’s start with the positives. Toews played an inspiring game for most of the night. He was everywhere in the first and assisted on Top Cat’s teaser in the third period. He drew two penalties, one on a good read followed by some much missed speed, and the second by dancing then brute forcing his way past Troy Stecher. We may have to come to terms with the fact that his 10% shooting percentage might be what he is now, but at least he was positively noticeable tonight.

–Even more comforting was that when Q decided to hit the blender in the third, he kept the Top Cat–Toews–Duclair line together, as he should.

– When the Jurco–Kampf–Vinnie line was together, they were by far the Hawks’s most effective line. Whether that’s because they’re so fast or because the underbelly of the Canucks is so soft is grounds for debate, but they dominated all night. Jurco and Kampf finished with respective CF%s of 75 and 78+(!) at 5v5, while Vinnie, with his bouncing around at the end, ended up with a healthy 60. Kampf looked to double shift a bit in the third too. It’s hard to shake the idea that Kampf could quietly develop into a strong bottom six defensive center, and aside from maybe Toews, he was the best Hawk out there tonight.

– The PP didn’t score again, because by this point it’s obvious what whoever is in charge of it simply slams six Steel Reserve Tall Boys, drops five tabs of acid, shoves the ass-end of a paintbrush as far up his urethra as he can, then humps a wall until he crashes. That said, the triangle of Seabrook, Kane, and Vinnie created a few good chances during the second PP in the second period. But chances aren’t good enough at this point.

– The Saad–Schmaltz–Kane line got completely domed in possession. At some point, we’re going to have to talk about what’s eating Brandon Saad. To this point, the underlying numbers have been good, which has been a fallback defense for the lack of scoring. But tonight’s effort was wanting.

– Seabrook–Gustafsson was on the ice for two goals, and Seabrook looked egregiously bad on Gaunce’s second goal. Seabrook had a 0 CF% through the first and managed to settle at a team low 35% at 5v5. What’s most frustrating is that Gustafsson might be a really good passer and a passable third-pairing guy. His CF% WITH Seabrook at 5v5 was a paltry 40, but away from him, it was 63+. But we’ve been here time and time again. It’s no use shouting for Seabrook to sit, because really, what else do they have? Forsling? Franson? Slava fucking Voynov? Six more years.

– Ryan Hartman didn’t see many, if any, shifts after his tripping penalty on whichever Sedin submitted his Oscar clip in the second. It hasn’t been a good few weeks for the former first rounder. But then again, what exactly is it that his line, with Anisimov and Wingels tonight, is supposed to do?

– Tough break for Forsberg, who looked good early. The first goal was on him, with Oesterle deferring to the passing lane. You’ll usually take even a backup goalie one on one against Gaunce, but Forsberg let it slip by. But from then on, it was the same old shit, with an unfortunate redirect, a tip, and Brent Seabrook dropping his pants and pissing in the crease doing him in.

– Off the ice, I loved listening to Eddie during the intermissions. He was no bullshit about not letting this game get away, and it was nice to hear.

– At the beginning of the second, Foley practically fell victim to the vapors as he tripped over himself to say how much he liked Bettman’s stance on goalie interference. For those who missed it, Bettman commented about how referees need to trust their instincts and “watch the replay at full speed” instead of slow motion. If that’s really what Bettman thinks, then what’s the fucking point of the goalie-interference replay in the first place? Isn’t watching at full speed and trusting your instincts precisely what referees do for a living? Fuck off, Gary, you no-responsibility-taking wet fart.

This was a game the Hawks had to have, and they filled their diapers. But DeBrincat and Schmaltz scored pretty goals, Kampf led all players in possession at 5v5, Kempný and Murphy led the possession share for Hawks D-men at 5v5, and away from Seabrook, Gustafsson was good. If the Hawks make the playoffs, it will be on a wing and a prayer, but the future isn’t as terribly bleak as the present looks.

Onward.

Beer du Jour: Tommyknocker Imperial Nut Brown, then High Life.

Line of the Night: “Unlucky break halfway up the guy’s shaft.” –Steve Konroyd, describing a shot in the second period, I assume.

Everything Else

Atop the Sugar Pile – 1/29

By John Pullega 2269 0

Since the last time we did this, the Hawks have gone 1-2-1 with a -3 goal differential. Things got progressively better after the “slam all of your fingers in a car door during a -10 wind chill” effort against the Islanders, so let’s see if we can suss out what’s going on here.

The Dizzying Highs

Anthony Duclair: The points have only just begun to come, but Duclair is yet another example of Arizona being the place where good hockey goes to die. Over the past four games, Duclair’s 5v5 CF% has never dipped below 58, and he’s sporting a four-game average of 64. Playing with DeBrincat and Toews has done him good, with the glut of his Blackhawks points coming in the Motor City Massacre last Thursday. Duclair’s speed is what sets him apart most, and it makes sense that having a playmaker like DeBrincat playing with him has begun to unlock his scoring potential. When the only thing you haven’t mastered is the breakaway backhander, you’re in a good spot.

Alex DeBrincat: Top Cat has trended similarly to Duclair over the last four games, with a 55+ CF% overall at 5v5. He’d hovered around 50 combined against New York and Tampa, until grouping with Toews and Duclair, which over two games has returned a 58+ CF%, four points, and a hat trick. It seems that DeBrincat and Duclair make each other better, as in the limited time they’ve had together, they’ve posted a 55 CF% with Toews and an astounding 70 CF% without Toews. (Don’t tell the good folks at Twitter dot com about that last part, lest you want to hear a Master’s length thesis about how the Hawks should trade Toews, an idea so profoundly offensive that even Zappa wouldn’t argue with Tipper over it.) Keeping the DDT line together is now a must, thanks in part to DeBrincat’s vision.

The Terrifying Lows

Joel Quenneville: We’ve covered several reasons why we’re all starting to get itchy with Quenneville. From the confusion he’s brought on himself about what this team is this year, to the fact that one of his scattershot solutions to a woeful Hawks offensive effort was to put Patrick Sharp on a Top Six line with Schmaltz and Kane, Quenneville’s Jeff Skilling-esque accounting for the Hawks’s poor play has made him look less like the tinkering madman we know and love to poke fun at, and more like a coach born on third with no idea how to transition his younger guys into the NHL properly. But most egregious has been his handling of the defensive pairings. The Forsling–Rutta fiasco. Scratching both Murphy and Kempný in New York. These are the kinds of things that make the FIRE QUENNEVILLE jalopy run, and he’s only got himself to blame for it.

With Forsling retooling in Rockford and Rutta breaking in his press box suit, we may have turned a corner, but that it took this long is an affront. For now, the key will be keeping the lines and pairings as-is and not getting too cute by swapping in spare parts for things that work.

Forsling–Rutta: Thankfully, it looks like this botched experiment is finally over. They were abysmal together against the Islanders, a game in which Rutta was on the ice for seemingly every single goal. After their woeful performance, Forsling got sent down and Rutta got sent up to the press box.

It’s not entirely fair to pin the blame on these two for their poor performances, Forsling in particular. For the second straight year, Forsling’s had to go back to work on his confidence, this time because of mismanagement from Quenneville and supposed Defenseman-Whisperer Ulf Samuelsson. Rutta had a nice run at the beginning of the year, but the Hawks already have a right-handed guy who sort of does the stuff he’s supposed to do in their older, balder, fatter son, Brent Seabrook, so it’s hard to figure out what Rutta does anymore that Murphy, Kempný, or even Oesterle or Gustafsson can’t do better.

The Creamy Middles

Jeff Glass: It doesn’t have to be pretty to work, and giving up two regulation goals against each of the Lightning and Leafs (for a combined 93.9 SV% against 68 regulation shots) is impressive. Since swapping in for Forsberg in New York, he’s managed a 92.2 SV% over 77 shots in regulation, which you’ll take all day from a backup. The rebound control and crease awareness are still a circus, but given the lack of puck luck the Hawks have had this year, I’m not going to discount what we’ve gotten out of him. He’s not a long-term solution, but he’ll do for now.

Erik Gustafsson: In supplanting CONNOR MURPHY as Seabrook’s babysitter, Gustafsson has looked anywhere from good to unnoticeable, which is all you can ask. He came out scorching against the Islanders because we all said he wouldn’t, and since then has been quietly alright, with CF%s of 61+, 43+, and 57+ while riding shotgun with Porkins.

Most interesting is that Gustafsson’s CF%s have been staggeringly higher away from Seabrook than with him: In his four games up, Gustafsson has played with Seabrook for about 54 minutes at 5v5, for a CF% of 46+. He’s been away from Seabrook for about 12 minutes at 5v5 and has a CF% of 65+ in that time. Small sample sizes, but this could tell us that Gustafsson might be a serviceable third-pairing D-man on his own.

Vinnie Hinostroza: Or Kris Versteeg II, if you prefer. Vinnie’s produced a goal and an assist over his last two, and looks right at home with Jurco and Kampf, both of whom have the wheels (and maybe even the vision in Kampf’s case) to keep up. I don’t particularly hate him on the power play either, as long as he stays away from doing the Versteegy things we all grew to hate.

Everything Else

Game #48 – We Need New Pornos. Guess I’m Still Writing – Hawks 2, Leafs 2 (Leafs Win Sap Boil)

By John Pullega 2266 0

Box Score

Hockey Stats

Natural Stat Trick

Do you remember wanting to do a fatality in Mortal Kombat II on Sega Genesis, but the combo was 15 buttons long and you were fucking 10 so you couldn’t finish it on time? That’s what this game was. To the bullets.

– Brent Seabrook had an eventful game. Like a post-binge-drinking shit, it started off nice, then turned into a wet pile of unidentifiable slop. The PP goal was a thing of beauty, the half-assery on the missed icing call can be forgiven, but after that, I sat wondering where all that $7 million leadership we keep hearing is so integral to the Hawks’s success was. I wanted so badly to write about what a great game he had—because early on it was good and I want him to turn it around so bad—but in a microcosm of his year, he managed to back down from a strong start and settle into a disappointing finish.

I’m not here to blame the outcome on Seabrook, but it’s hard to argue against the idea that the air came out of the team after the Leafs’s first goal. If the organ-I-zation is going to justify suiting up Seabrook by pointing to his leadership, that botched call is a perfect spot for him to showcase it. Instead we get a whole lot of yelling at the linesman and a report from whoever’s filling in for Pierre that there’s no talking, no urgency on the bench for the Hawks at all. I don’t want to get too sucked in to things that we can’t quantify, so I’ll borrow a line from Q and say I want MORE from Seabs there.

– The first PP goal was a case study in why setting up behind the net is typically a good idea. Credit Wide Dick for swallowing the faceoff impasse, and Schmaltz and Vinnie for having the wherewithal to move the puck behind the net. Vinnie’s awareness on Seabrook’s positioning gave Seabrook all the time in the world to do one of the things he’s always been good at, and he buried the shot off a deflection.

– Speaking of Vinnie, we may have a new candidate for the Kris Versteeg position. You can credit him for the Hawks’s second PP goal, when after what seemed like a decade, he fulfilled every 300-level meatball’s dream (I include myself in this description) and simply shot the puck at the net. One bounce, one Anisimov sweep through the crease, and one inability for the NHL to make the rules regarding goaltender interference clear to even the referees let alone the fans later, Schmaltz had tied the game. The way this team has played, you would have felt safe betting that Vinnie would try to throw the puck to an empty spot on the ice, but he didn’t. On top of that, he exploded from that point onward, setting himself and Keith up for few nice opportunities that they just couldn’t finish. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was.

– DeBrincat–Toews–Duclair did everything but score, which at this point isn’t just a cute saying. It’s becoming increasingly obvious that when given linemates who aren’t medically required to masturbate with down-lined gloves, Alex DeBrincat is quite the playmaker. He and Duclair had several anus-clenching instances in the first and second periods where the pass was either just a fraction too slow, the angle was a bit too sharp, or Andersen simply had a play to make. If Toews can be bothered to set his internal clock to the same time as everyone else instead of assuming he has more time than he does, I can see this line destroying the Earth, which means Sharp and Bouma will be with Toews tomorrow.

– I want to say I’m getting itchy about Saad, but it might just be angst at this point. The underlying numbers are strong and he’s still a force in transition. But he’s on pace for a mere 40 points this year, which would be the lowest he’s had since his 27 during the Season In A Can. I like the idea of him with Schmaltz and Kane, but after the first period, that line seemed to fade into the background a bit. This is less a call for change and more a vain cry of desperation for the Man Child to pull a Hossa and carry the team.

– Through the first 14:44 of the game, the Sharp–Anisimov–HEART MAN line had a 0 CF%. They bumped it up to 30–20–30 by the end of the period and ended the game with a 50–40–50, but that doesn’t really answer what this line does. This isn’t a complaint so much as a resignation that the depth just might not be there for the classic 3-and-1 setup the Hawks like to run.

– The Jurco–Kampf–Vinnie line is the Hawks’s Autobahn, in that they go really fast just because and put punctures in your furniture from the grip you have to hold when they’re out there. Kampf also saw extended time on the PK and didn’t look horrible doing it. If I were a gambling man, I’d bet on Kampf being Quenneville’s Kruger going forward.

– Glass Jeff was fine for a guy who’s spent most of his career flying through nine time zones to play hockey. You get what you get with him, and there’s really no excuse for losing games against the Ning and the Leafs when he allows just two goals apiece. It’s hard to get mad at him for the shootout diaper crapping, because without a top-tier goaltender, shootouts are a crapshoot.

– I’d like to dedicate an entire bullet to what a gigantic, braying, shitting horse’s ass Mike Milbury is. I don’t know who finds his “back in my day” drunk-uncle schtick charming, but this dinosaur-riding assnose is the pinnacle of insufferable. Anyone who enjoys or even tolerates his continued employment as anything other than “guy who gets stuck in a porta potty while people who are somehow lesser-rank assholes tip it over” ought to be drawn and quartered. He couldn’t wait five minutes, and I mean that literally, before implying that the Hawks lost the Hjalmarsson–Murphy trade. The fact that this rockhead has the mental faculties to imply anything at all would be impressive if the thing he were implying weren’t categorically false. What an outrageous and unabashed dickhead.

It’s hard to get mad about games like this because this is kind of what the Hawks are this year. They managed a point when they needed two, but some of the younger guys—Schmaltz, Duclair, Top Cat, Kampf, and Vinnie Smalls—looked more or less good doing it. This season may not be what we wanted, but there are still bullets in the chamber. Whether they fire them this year or next is anyone’s guess.

Beer du Jour: High Life for this low life.

Line of the Night: Mike Milbury implying the Hawks would be better with Hjalmarsson than Murphy. I’m not dignifying his actual words by going back and listening to them again. Fuck him.

Everything Else

There Ain’t No V in Concussion, My Frent

By John Pullega 2885 0

With most vacations, the vacation itself is a thousand times more stressful and frustrating than whatever it was you were trying to get away from. This bye week is no different.

As Rose covered yesterday, the Hawks announced that Corey Crawford had vertigo-like symptoms. Then, later on yesterday, Scotty Bowman went on (BIG VOICE GUY) BOB MCCOWN’S PRIME TIME SPORTS hullabaloo and said, with nary a quiver in his voice, that Crawford was really suffering from post-concussion symptoms (2:02:30 in the clip). Later that day, Lazerus reported that Scotty was “guessing” and not sharing insider information.

This, of course, is Grade A fucking NARRATIVE horseshit (on the organ-I-zaton, not Lazerus).

The Blackhawks have a long and infamous history with deflecting and mismanaging concussions.

Recall that legit 17-seconds legend and meatball superhero Dave Bolland faced schoolyard giggles, and pointing and laughing at how long it took him to recover from his concussion back in 2011, all the while dealing with depression, that common ghoul that tends to walk hand in hand with brain injuries.

Recall that one of the reasons Jeremy Morin got shipped out the first time was because he took too long for everyone’s liking coming back from a concussion in 2012. And before he got shipped out, he fought everything in sight to show Q the MORE that the Hawks’s brass always complained wasn’t there. If there’s a better way to proactively protect a player with a history of brain injuries than having him get punched in the face over and over to prove that he’s willing and able to flex nuts, I’d like to hear it.

Recall that in 2014, after Toews got splattered on the boards by Dennis Seidenberg—subsequently grabbing his head and skating with the grace of a drunk with puke in his shoes—neither Quenneville nor the Hawks’s training staff had the foresight to take him off the ice immediately, instead opting to let him finish off a power play. This came after 2012, when Toews played several games with a concussion before getting shut down.

Recall that Steve Montador’s family still has a lawsuit pending against the league that alleges, among other things, that Montador received four concussions over three months with the Blackhawks.

The vagueness and silence always evolves in the same way, from “upper body injury” to “dealing with some soreness” to “we’ll see.” Then, when it becomes more apparent that someone’s going to be out for an extended time, upper body turns into dizziness or, in Crow’s case, vertigo. That way, when the diagnosis the brain trust refused to admit all along becomes the diagnosis they’re forced to admit, they can throw up their hands and say, “Whoa, we just thought it was something less serious. Honest!” And when you’re named in a lawsuit that claims that your team put Montador in a position to have not just one, but FOUR concussions in just three months, contributing to his CTE and death, feigning ignorance is really all you have left.

And King Dickhead Gary Bettman—who gives mid 90s Hunter Hearst Helmsley a run for his weaselly heel money—plays a role in how teams handle concussions. Let’s not forget that the NHL is still embroiled in a lawsuit that alleges that the league failed to ensure the safety of players’ brains, letting them play through concussions and other head injuries with full knowledge of what that could lead to and without telling them.

As the face of ownership, Bettman ought to have to answer for the defense calling players participating in the lawsuit “mere puppets” on a “cash grab” (which, probably not coincidentally, echoes a common defense we heard surrounding Doughty and Garbage Dick in the past).

He should be able to offer at least some sort of explanation for why the NHL still refuses to acknowledge the link between CTE and head trauma.

If you want to go to John Galtian levels of selfishness, Bettman should have to answer for why the owners he represents are so willing to mishandle their assets to the league’s detriment, letting star players on popular teams that line the league’s coffers suffer long-term injuries, vicariously damaging the league’s bottom line in the process.

Instead, we get radio silence, and status quo reigns.

But back here, given the Blackhawks’s experience with concussions, at what point do Quenneville and Bowman say enough? It may not be their job to diagnose brain injuries, but it IS their job to, in the most heartless terms, protect their assets. Is this middling season of what-ifs and maybes really worth the long-term health of the best goaltender the Hawks have had since Belfour? Apparently, because they brought him back off a concussion awfully fast, yet again.

Don’t ever let anyone tell you that any athlete in Chicago sports history ever got Dangerfielded more often than Crow, from fans and franchise alike. He doesn’t deserve any of this, as both a player and a person.

So here we sit, having to wonder what the fuck is going on with the Hawks’s best player amid innuendo from the team and silence from the league. And because we can only guess at what happened, that’s what I’m going to do.

Since Evgeni “My Face Looks How My Name Sounds” Malkin railroaded Crawford in November, Crawford’s been dealing with a concussion. Because the front office and coaching staff are either too stupid to know or too callous to care, they sent Crawford back out too early in an attempt to salvage points they desperately needed for the deep playoff run they envisioned to wash the taste of two quick exits out of their mouths.

When Crawford’s performances betrayed his health against Dallas and New Jersey in December, the Hawks took advantage, using them as cover to justify taking him out for undisclosed reasons. The undisclosed reason, of course, was a concussion that Crawford should not have been playing through.

With vocal skepticism mounting, the organ-I-zation dripped rumors about vertigo, which is close enough to a concussion to feign ignorance, be believable, and take some of the liability off the team’s latest botch. Then, when people expressed outrage at the possibility that the Hawks knowingly trotted Crawford out too soon, Stan Bowman called his father to take the bullet and indirectly admit that Crawford indeed did have a concussion (or post-concussion symptoms), because he knew it would bounce off the venerable and untouchable Scotty much more easily than it would Stan, given his office’s egregiously bad history with concussions.

Finally, Scotty’s walk back was the little injection of controlled confusion the organ-I-zation needed to have everyone following the drama throw up their hands and say “Oh, who knows?!” Lather, rinse, repeat.

The excuses for Crawford’s absence smell an awful lot like organ-I-zational horseshit. But when the guys running the team and the league have shown time and again that they can be gigantic asses about handling head injuries, should we expect anything else?

Everything Else

Game #43 – When the Going Gets Tough and the Stomach Acids Flow – Hawks 1, Wild 2

By John Pullega 2425 0

Box Score

Hockey Stats

Natural Stat Trick

Sometimes hockey is stupid. The Hawks did everything you’re supposed to do, and they still come out of it with no points and no spot in the playoffs as of now. To the bullets.

– Let’s not bury the lede. Brent Seabrook slotted back in and scored the Hawks’s only goal. With all the grace of a Weeble, Seabrook wobbled but didn’t fall down as he crashed on a hard Kempný one timer from the point off a pass from Schmaltz. It was the perfect kind of goal given the broadcasting booth we had tonight. Feather had probably the best idea of the night though: Just scratch everyone for the next game and enjoy the 18 goals we’ll get afterward. While it was nice to see Seabrook pot a goal, outside of that, he was much of the same old. Yes, his foot block sprung Kane for a Wingels crossbar, but outside that, Seabrook was as plodding as ever.

– The Hawks got goalied tonight. When you have a 67 CF% share at 5v5, you normally expect to win by three, four, five goals. Fuck, the Hawks had and 80% share in the first, and only managed one goal. So credit where it’s due. Devan “My Face Is Way Too Fucking Small for My Head” Dubnyk shut down the Hawks from start to finish with 34 saves, and absolutely earned the two points the Wild walk away with.

– Like the terrifying Russian nesting doll he is, Beef ‘n’ Cheddar Bruce Boudreau’s ability to take all of the fun out of hockey is multilayered. He managed to keep his team, which had the puck for less than one-third of the game, afloat though the Hawks’s barrages. He put the Wild into a fucking 90s trap in the third period. I wish I could analyze what a stupid dickhead he is further, but his whole “How can I make hockey even worse than people think it is” schtick is too infuriating for words. Fuck him and his refusal to have a neck.

– If we’re going to dress seven D-men, which we shouldn’t because it’s such an inefficient and stupid idea, we cannot have Connor Murphy be the odd man out. We’ve got Seabrook at 14 minutes, Kempný at 12, and Murphy at 7. In what fucking world does it make sense to have Murphy and Kempný play less than Seabrook? I know yesterday was against the Senators, but of all the times to get Cubist with the blue line, why does Q have to do it against a divisional opponent on the ass-end of a back to back in a game in which the Hawks need two points? Again, Murphy has been BY FAR the best defenseman the Hawks have dressed in the last two months. What’s the logic here, if not THE NARRATIVE?

– With Wiener Anxiety heading to Arizona, Q decided to double shift Kane. He played almost 26 minutes tonight, more than any other Blackhawk. As usual, his line dominated, but this time, they failed to put anything away. So all we really take away from this is that Kane’s outrageous TOI led to Minnesota’s game winner after Kane took an offensive zone penalty. Great.

– Let’s try to be positive now. I’ve never been happier to be wrong about something than I am about Jordan Oesterle. He led all Hawks D-men in TOI with 25:52, and for the second straight game led the first PP unit instead of Keith. He also managed to clear a puck from the crease and prevent a goal. I’m always going to look at him a bit side-eyed for no other reason than he couldn’t hack it with the Oilers, but in the time he’s been here, he’s looked a lot better than expected.

– When your backup goaltender only gives up two goals, there’s no excuse to not win. The first goal wasn’t really Forsberg’s fault. I guess if you want to lay blame on Forsberg, you can go the Brian Boucher route and say that Forsberg overcommitted, but when a shot takes such a wild bounce off Wingels’s stick, I’m not going to place too much blame on the goalie.

But that second goal was one Forsberg probably wants back. I get that Suter has a heavy shot, but with no screen and a good view, it’s not a goal you can just shrug off. Still, if you’re only giving up two goals against the worst possession team in the NHL, you should expect a win.

– Probably not one to write home about for Duncan Keith, but it wasn’t for lack of trying. This was one of Keith’s junkyard dog, try-to-do-everything games, and with that often comes the kinds of egregious turnovers he committed at a few points in the game. WHAT DEY NEED TA DO IS DEY NEED TA SCRATCH KIEF ON FRIDEE SO HE KEN SCORE HIMSELF A BIG GOAL ON SUNDAY, MY FRENTS.

– I could go on and on about Milbury being the worst Fred Flintstone impersonator on Earth, but honestly, outside of the beginning of the second period, I managed to not listen to a goddamn thing that overgrown, overpaid pile of rocks and garbage said. Fuck him.

Sometimes hockey is stupid. That’s really all tonight was. Look forward to Duclair and pray to whichever god you like that Seabrook isn’t in the lineup Friday (he will be).

Beer du Jour: Zombie Dust and Two Hearted

Line of the Night: “I know how hard it is to do what he does.” – Mike Milbury, flat out lying about how he can relate to what a good player Patrick Kane is.

Everything Else

The Leader Is Good. The Leader Is Great. We Surrender Our Will as of This Date

By John Pullega 2491 0

It finally happened. On January 9, in the Year of our Lord 2018, Alternate Captain Brent Seabrook was a healthy scratch for the first time in any of our memories.

This is a weird moment for me and all of us at FFUD. We tend to spend the time that we aren’t pissing in the wind screaming at the ghosts and spirits of what could have been, if only the organ-I-zation had put any sort of forethought into the decisions they’ve made. Losing guys like Stephen Johns, Phil Danault, and Our Special Boy Teuvo were partially the result of the Hawks handing out massive contracts to THE CORE. And while we always sort of understood the Toews and Kane contracts, Seabrook’s has always been a running joke that got less and less funny the worse he got.

So in light of this, I want to talk about a couple of different things that have happened regarding Seabrook recently. It’s important to remember that Seabrook is neither dead, retired, nor likely to sit for long. But this is still a watershed moment worthy of some reflection, if only for now.

Part of the confusion in affect over this healthy scratch is that Brent Seabrook, for a vast majority of his career, has been an integral part of the Blackhawks’s success. He’s played more games for the Blackhawks than any current Blackhawk and ranks fifth overall in games played for the Hawks. He ranks fourth among all Blackhawks for Defensive Point Shares—behind Keith, Doug Wilson, and Bob Murray—and ninth among all active players.

And of course, he’s contributed some of the most memorable moments in Blackhawks playoff history: Whether it was the game winner in the third OT against Nashville in 2015, the series-clinching goal that sent the Wings off to the Eastern Conference in 2013, or yes, his Dr. Katz therapy session with Toews in the box in that same Wings series, Brent Seabrook’s fingerprints are all over the success the Hawks have had over the last decade. It’s really important to note these things because Seabrook has been a leader and has been an important part of the Blackhawks success.

So even though we’ve been calling for it forever, now that it’s here, there’s a sort of hollow feeling. Not quite the end of an era, but something similar, sort of like managing to swerve out of a head-on collision and realizing that one day, everything’s going to end. Or if you’d rather take a less Robert Smithian view of it, it’s like managing to sneak away from a first date for a moment to rip a gigantic fart in the peace of a private bathroom, avoiding the horror of what could have been.

The scratch was our Moby Dick, and now that we have it, all that’s left is a terrifying relief.

That said, this healthy scratch probably came much, much later than it needed to. Recall that the Blackhawks are currently out of a wild card spot and without their Vezina-worthy goaltender. While it would be both folly and tempting to blame all of this on Seabrook, especially following the 8-2 drubbing of the comically bad Senators, he sure didn’t help matters.

We all knew what we were getting with Seabrook coming into the season: an aging physical defenseman whose possession numbers were on the decline and who needed to be babysat. And the possession numbers this year flesh this out:

Aside from Kane, Heart Man, and Wide Dick, most Blackhawks are noticeably better when Seabrook is off the ice (5v5). It’s especially troubling when Seabrook is starting more than 56% of the time in the offensive zone. In addition, Seabrook is on pace to score the fewest points he’s ever scored, has a nearly 3:1 giveaway/takeaway ratio, and trails only Duncan Keith—who has been paired primarily with Franson, Oesterle, and, would you believe it, Brent Seabrook—for most high-danger shot attempts allowed at all strengths.

By all metrics and eye tests, Brent Seabrook is currently a bad hockey player. What made it worse was twofold: his personal affront of a contract and the constant drumbeat about his leadership as parsed out by the organ-I-zation.

The Seabrook contract was the bigger brother of the Bickell contract. Coming off the euphoria of a third Cup in six years and one of Seabrook’s best offensive playoff performances of his storied playoff career, the brain trust offered him money they couldn’t afford over years they didn’t have, hamstringing any effort to add useful role players and forcing the Hawks to settle for retreads (Oduya, Ladd, Campbell) and rapscallions (Fleischmann, Wiese, Tootoo) to fill out the roster. But like the Bickell contract, you simply cannot blame Seabrook for taking what he was offered. But that contract, along with his pedigree, was for too long the unspoken justification for trotting him out there despite his inability to do even the things he’s always been good at, passing and shooting.

Watching Seabrook huff and puff this team toward the bottom of the division was confusing at best and outright infuriating at worst. But none of it was quite as infuriating as THE NARRATIVE about Seabrook’s leadership on Sunday.

Whether you’ve read this program after buying it outside the UC, when it was under the SBNATION banner, or have only recently come onboard, you’re familiar with one constant: our outright rejection of and revulsion over THE NARRATIVE. THE NARRATIVE is the way the organization covers for its own miscalculations, hypocrisies, and panic attacks. Whether it’s Crawford’s weak glove hand, Franson as a top-pairing D-man, or literally any excuse concocted to explain the dire mismanagement of Teuvo Teravainen, there’s no problem the Hawks’s brass can’t explain away with THE NARRATIVE. And on Sunday, THE NARRATIVE was focused on Seabrook’s leadership.

Just before giving Anton Forsberg a deserved what-for for giving up a weak five-hole goal, Eddie Olczyk proclaimed that he “loved that play from Brent Seabrook” after Seabrook tapped Forsberg on the pads as each team regrouped. He went on to discuss the importance of Seabrook’s leadership to the team and alluded to his legendary Toews calming during the 2013 Western Conference Semis.

And it all rang hollow, because it’s Grade-A, organ-I-zational horse shit.

In a game in which Connor Murphy—the best D-man the Hawks have dressed over the past two months—was a healthy scratch because, as Mark Lazerus later reported, “It was just his turn,” it was hard to swallow Eddie dedicating any time at all to what amounts to Seabrook being a nice guy, let alone a highlight reel of the pad tap. I have no doubt that Forsberg appreciated the comfort, but of all things for an analyst to analyze, why is it the nebulous concept of the leadership of a player who we all know is a leader by virtue of the “A” on his sweater?

Why is there no discussion of Forsling’s absurd over-commitment on Cammalleri along the far boards, leaving Darnell Nurse all the time and space in the world to crash a high-danger zone?

I don’t want to rag on Eddie too much. I genuinely enjoy listening to him most of the time; he’s infinitely more interesting to listen to than Konroyd; and as we all know and admire, he’s doing coverage for the team while fighting through constant chemo. But I’d rather get his thoughts on what Forsling was thinking, not a story about Seabrook’s leadership. Eddie always likes to laugh about bringing his crayons out, and at one of the best times to do it, he cuts to Brent Seabrook tapping Forsberg’s pads. With the McDonough Marketing Machine, there are no such things as coincidences, so what’s the angle?

Seabrook has a full no-movement clause for the next four years, so it’s likely not trade pillow fluffing. Seabrook is one of the longest tenured Blackhawks around, and anyone who’s watched even the bare minimum of Hawks hockey is familiar with the stories of Seabrook’s leadership (e.g., Toews Talk 2013), so it’s not informational. And when you couple this with the tongue lacquering Forsling got earlier in the year coming off his concussion, the lack of analysis in favor of a leadership workshop looks less like an oversight and more like a distraction.

So are we talking about his leadership as though that’s where his sole value lies? If so, there’s a term for guys who can lead hockey players but can’t keep up with the pace of the game: “Coach.” And no one—save maybe the guy who’s having his strip club lunch-buffet tab paid by Jon Cooper after the game—is going to the UC to watch a guy coach.

There’s always going to be an appreciation for what Seabrook used to be. But having Eddie ogle a full replay of a pad tap instead of going back and analyzing the play that led to it reeks of THE NARRATIVE, a way to justify slotting a bad player on an even worse contract over a young and talented defenseman who’s been the primary reason Seabrook has even been presentable over the past two months.

If you want to be optimistic, maybe you look at Sunday as Eddie softening the blow and setting up an explanation for why he was scratched on Tuesday. And knowing the McDonough Marketing Machine and Eddie’s close proximity to the people that make the sausage, that wouldn’t shock me. But at least THE NARRATIVE there would square with Seabrook’s performance and save me the trouble of gluing my hair back on my head after tearing it out watching Connor Murphy sit in favor of Seabrook.

There isn’t one sober Blackhawks fan alive who doesn’t remember when Seabrook gave Toews The Talk during Game 5 of the Western Conference Semis in 2013. It will rightly go down in Blackhawks lore as a prime example of Brent Seabrook’s leadership. When the brass gave Seabrook the “A,” it was much, much less surprising than the Animal Style contract they tossed him just a week or two later. By all player accounts, it’s Seabrook more than anyone else who lifts the team up in the locker room. And when the whole Sharp kerfuffle flared up in 2015, it was Seabrook, rather than Toews or anyone else, who handled the press and commanded the locker room. There’s no doubt that Seabrook is a leader, but this year, his leadership has not been able to mask his odious performance on the ice. Anybody who’s anybody in Hawks fandom doesn’t need to be told about Seabrook’s leadership, and anyone who doesn’t know is going to learn long before the organ-I-zation shoehorns mention of it into whichever marketing piece it drums up next to keep asses in seats.

We’ve seen it in the past, we’ve seen it in the playoffs, and we saw it when he took his first healthy scratch we can remember with dignity and understanding. Brent Seabrook is a leader, but that doesn’t make up for what he’s done this year.

In a perfect world, Seabrook and Rutta will swap in and out as their stamina dictates going forward, and we’ll get our Keith–Oesterle, Kempný–Murphy, Forsling–Rutta/Seabrook, or some variation thereof. For now, we’ll revel in a true show of leadership, as Brent Seabrook takes a long, much needed healthy scratch for the first time in too long.

The contract doesn’t go away with his, nor does the specter of Seabrook slotting in for Murphy and Kempný in the near future. But for once, all of us who have shouted from the mountains for a Seabrook scratch can rest easy and say, “Maybe we weren’t as crazy as we thought,” while we try to come up with ways the Hawks can trade for Erik Karlsson.

Everything Else

Game #41 – Sippin’ Champagne While You’re Drinkin’ the Slag – Hawks 4, Oilers 1

By John Pullega 2462 0

Box Score

Hockey Stats

Natural Stat Trick

This is the outcome you expect when you’re playing a team that has scored nine goals since its last regulation win eight games ago. The Oilers, once again, have managed to be a zoo without cages despite having a generational talent in David McConnor, and the Hawks took two points they needed on a drag-ass Sunday afternoon tilt. To the bullets.

– Let’s begin with the past in front: Nick Schmaltz’s game-opening goal is the sort of thing that should give Hawks fans the same sense of anticipation we all felt in the 08–09 season. His read off Rutta’s point shot was obscene, and he made Kris Russell look like the overrated pile of hockey garbage no one in broadcast wants to admit he is. Even better, Schmaltz gave Ryan Nugent-Hopkins every reason to have the long face he has, using him as a screen en route to an embarrassingly beautiful backhand against Cam “(Used to Be a) Cha-Cha” Talbot.

– On the topic of Jan Rutta, he had himself a nice game after a four-game absence. He carried a 56 CF% (and a precisely even 0.00 CF% Rel) and racked up an assist on Schmaltz’s wizardry. But no matter what, there’s absolutely no justification for slotting Rutta in place of Connor Murphy, who, over the past month, has been the best Hawks D-man by just about every metric. I get that Murphy had a rough go of it against Vegas, but unless Murphy were hurt or had the runs, scratching him is absurd.

Going further, I don’t think that Rutta’s good performance was a coincidence. Before his streak of sitting, he had begun to look sluggish and overpowered after several hockey writers, including yours truly, were champing at the bit to anoint him the savior of the Hawks’s blue line. It’s almost as if Rutta needs some extended time off during the season to recharge. There’s another Hawks D-man who probably needs it too, but it isn’t Murphy.

I know that we probably won’t ever see Seabrook as a healthy scratch because of this bullshit LEADERSHIP narrative that’s served as nothing more than justification for Seabrook’s contract, which the organ-I-zation threw at him like a farm boy throws a wedding ring at the girl who took his virginity. But I think that you’ll get better results letting Rutta slot in for Seabrook over Murphy or Kempný (who had a 59 CF% today). Both Rutta and Seabrook are right-handed shots who have shown signs of exhaustion throughout the season, and what would be a better example of leadership for Bottomless Pete than admitting that you don’t have the energy to play 82 games a year and give other, more physically fit players a slot to play? Fantasies, I know.

– Back in reality, there’s no doubt that Cam Talbot sucks. DeBrincat’s goal had no business ending up in the back of the net, since all Top Cat wanted to do was try to center Sharp. Nonetheless, credit where it’s due, as David Struggle had no trouble shrugging off a checking attempt from EA Sports–generated name Matt Benning behind the goal line to feed Top Cat. Kampf has looked pretty alright in his six games up, and he’s made that third line work somehow, as he, Top Cat, and Sharp had respective CF%s of 57+,61+, and 64+ today. It doesn’t have to make sense for you to take it.

– We got a taste of vintage Toews on the Hawks’s third goal. After Vinnie Hinostroza horsed Darnell Intern, both by skating by him and dropping a beauty of a backhand pass to Toews, Toews did that thing that makes me hope they retire his number with a “C” someday where he overpowers a defender and makes a one-handed pass to a drooling Brandon Saad. While one play does not a season make, it was nice to see Toews see a result for all the strong underlying numbers he’s had this year.

– Saad had a goal and 60 CF% at evens, but the eye test was a bit more mixed. He got pantsed by McDavid in the first and Draisaitl in the third, and he knuckle-pucked a nice pass from Vinnie in a high-danger zone in the third. Not to say that Saad isn’t a brute force, but today looked a little less godlike than I’m used to. I get he was up against the McDavid line, but he looked a bit more janky than normal.

– Gustav Forsling had a 61+ CF% at evens spending almost two-thirds of his time in the offensive zone. IT’S ALMOST AS IF THAT’S WHERE HE BELONGS.

– Aside from the weak Nurse goal, Forsberg looked good today. His rebound control is a much needed salve after watching Good Story Glass Jeff bounce biscuits off his pads for far, far longer than is acceptable for a team looking to vault into a wild card spot. Still, without Crawford, this team is going to run in place.

– I’m glad Eddie O. is healthy enough to do games again, but the way he toed the company line today made me look forward to Konroyd’s opium-den droning in Ottawa on Tuesday. Between blowing kisses at StanBo for signing Bouma and Wingels while the Hawks sit in last place in the division, lauding Seabrook for tapping on Forsberg’s pads after a bad goal, and chiding Kempný for an aggressive pinch in the second period (despite the fact that that’s what Kempný is good at doing), it almost made me miss Konroyd at home. I’m getting awfully tired of this SEABROOK IS A LEADER justification for his shit performance, and Eddie O. is the prime evangelist.

Oh, Jordan Oesterle had an unassisted goal today. To piggyback off this feat, the mantra of the upcoming week of hockey can only be KEEP FIRING, ASSHOLES!

Beer du Jour: Two Hearted

Line of the Night: “I love that play from Brent Seabrook.” –Eddie O. commenting on Brent Seabrook tapping Anton Forsberg’s pads after a soft goal, which is neither a play nor a way to justify Seabrook’s piss-poor performance anymore. It’s 2018, not 2013.

Everything Else

Tonight I’m Gonna Rock You Tonight – December 29

By John Pullega 1324 0

Running a bit behind due the tragic crapping out of Fels’s keyboard (SKY POINT), no doubt due to the fist slamming we’ve all been doing over the Jackson Pollock in Poo version of the Blackhawks we’ve been stuck with this year. Have a look.

First Screen Viewing

Predators at Wild (7 p.m.)

Fresh off a win against St. Louis to end a three game losing streak (0-2-1), Nashville heads up to the tundra of contiguous America in an effort to widen the gap between themselves, and the Jets and Blues. Nashville continues to lead the Central Division on the backs of Forsberg the Better, Kevin Fiala, and the Most Electrifying Man in Sports, P.K. Subban. Shit Hip looks to get the start in the first game of a home and home, and tonight’s game away from Music City on national TV will spare us the piss yellows. Devan Dubnyk gets his first start in six games after suffering an injury in the lower body area, which in this cold is applicable to everyone. Minnesota holds a tenuous grasp on the last wild card spot and will undoubtedly bore their way through the dregs of the season, as is tradition.

Second Screen Viewing

Blues at Stars (7:30 p.m.)

If for nothing else than because the Hawks are looking up at both of them in the standings with little time to spare. The Bishop! will go in his sixth straight after earning the Stars six points over their last five. The Blues, sans Jabe O’Meester, can leap over the Preds in the standings with a win and a Preds loss (though with three games in hand), driving the stake of this mediocre Hawks season further into our hearts. The Blues have only managed two points in their last five games, which means they’ll likely come out spitting, snorting, and dragging their dicks around like John Lackey at a Texas Roadhouse happy hour. With any luck, the sun will explode during this game and we can all clap about the stars at night shining so big and bright that both teams come out losers.

Other Games

Buffalo at New Jersey (6:00 p.m.)

Columbus at Ottawa (6:30 p.m.)

New York Rangers at Detroit (6:30 p.m.)

Philadelphia at Tampa (6:30 p.m.)

Pittsburgh at Carolina (6:30 p.m.)

New York Islanders at Winnipeg (7:00 p.m.)

Toronto at Colorado (8:00 p.m.)

Calgary at Anaheim (9:00 p.m.)

Everything Else

Tonight I’m Gonna Rock You Tonight – December 15

By John Pullega 1525 0

First Screen Viewing

Stars at Devils (6 p.m.)

Even though the Blackhawks are hopelessly eliminated from any shot at the playoffs by virtue of their inability to inhabit a playoff spot by the time the turkeys were pardoned (yes, I’m kidding), we’d be remiss not to watch the team mockingly flailing its collective scrotum in our faces in the standings. The Stars stand to leapfrog the Wild in the Wild Card standings with a point tonight, albeit with two extra games played. They’ll also look to get Jabba the Hitch his 800th win tonight, which is fitting, given that everyone in America is moonlighting as Annyong Bluth and seeing whichever iteration of a Star War we’re on now. They’ll start Kari Lehtonen and face a Taylor Hall-less (knee ouchie) Devils squad that’s lost three of their last four (1-2-1).

Second Screen Viewing

Maple Leafs at Red Wings (6:30 p.m.)

You watch this game for never-ending Schadenfreude of watching the Red Wings flounder. And the hope that Cock BabMike offers no quarter against his former squad. Plus the Leafs are probably top three in the best-looking sweaters department. The Leafs sans Auston Matthews, who misses his fourth straight game with a head injury, will face Jimmy Two First Names in net, as he and his 90.6 SV% try to end the Wings’s 1-5-5 skid over the last 11 games. Again, the Red Wings have lost 10 of their last 11. Not sure why they called it Little Caesers Arena, since the Wings are neither hot, ready, nor worth even the $5 their stadium’s namesake charges for pizza of a quality that you can find running through a box factory with dog shit on your shoes.

Other Games

Carolina at Buffalo (6 p.m.)

Los Angeles at New York (6 p.m.)

San Jose at Vancouver (9 p.m.)

Everything Else

Game #32 – I’m Gonna Hit That Line Like Old Dick Trickle – Hawks 5, Jets 1

By John Pullega 2674 0

Box Score

Hockey Stats

Natural Stat Trick

Like a frozen Reese’s with an Irish coffee, this game was good, especially coming against one of the better teams in the West. To the bullets.

– The Hawks marveled us with the best period of hockey they’ve played since Game #1. First, on Sharp’s steal at the oZ blue line, followed by a perfect pass to a thirsty Hinostroza. The obscenity of Vinnie’s release will make it impossible to analyze, since it shouldn’t be allowed on television again. The second goal was a bit more avant garde, with Bouma fat fingering a pass from behind the goal line, only to recover his turnover and hit Wingels in what Steve Konroyd and Pat Boyle continued to call “a quiet spot on the ice,” which I guess is the new preferred nomenclature for the high slot. Then, to spite the Fels/McClure motherfuck, which is the hockey equivalent of a Lennon/McCartney these days, Schmaltz took a Keith laser by the foreskin and just snipped by an overmatched Hellebuyck. Between three solid goals and devil’s food 66.66 CF%, this looked like the Hawks of old.

– I know the last time you and I talked about a Hawks postgame, I made a comment about Schmaltz needing to take more shots. After the sorcery he conjured on Kane’s goal in the second period, I won’t be upset if he never tries to shoot again. You simply can’t teach that kind of awareness. When he does things that flood the blood into all the fun parts of your body, it makes it hard (GET IT?) to remember that he’s just barely old enough to drink.

– The most fun thing to watch about this game was Connor Murphy’s unbridled confidence. It was his big shot that rebounded off of Hellebuyck and led to the Schmaltz–Kane connection. It was Murphy standing firm at his own blue line several times to break up potential odd-man rushes. It was Murphy moving back to the right side after his unforeseen success on his off side so that Kempný could slot back in. He’s turning into a best-case scenario right in front of our eyes, and it’s a joy to watch.

– And how about that Michal Kempný? He was the only Hawks D-man on the positive side of the possession ledger, though that’s probably a bit misleading, as the Hawks packed it in after the first period, with respective 39+ and 28+ CF%s. But he managed to make Brent Seabrook look good out there, which on its own should warrant more playing time. And that unapologetic slapper to put the Hawks back up four is the kind of thing that makes you tear your hair out when you think about how he’s sat in favor of Franson and an increasingly tired-looking Rutta. Hawks beat writer Mark Lazerus posed a question along the lines of, “For everyone clamoring for Kempný, who do you sit for him?” Sample sizes be damned, you go ahead and let Rutta and Franson heal up for as long as Kempný stays noticeable.

– I made fun of him a whole bunch at the beginning of the year, but if Jordan Oesterle wants to keep playing relatively well, I’m fine being wrong. I still think Murphy belongs with Keith, but I get not wanting to futz with what works. I don’t see Oesterle as a long-term answer to any question, but he was fine tonight. You’ll take that from him.

– It’s probably getting old, but I’m trying to make up for all the undue shit Crawford has gotten over his career: Corey did just about everything right tonight. He kept the Jets from getting back into it in the third with two huge saves in high-danger zones. I’m not even sure you can blame the one goal on him, though I suppose you want anything on the short side stuffed. Still, with Seabrook inadvertently screening the shot and being on the PK, it’s a bit more forgivable.

– If you want to be a stickler, you could easily say that Forsling didn’t look great in his own zone (a revelation, I know). He got beaten on iced pucks twice in the first, once by Perreault and then again by Tanev. Perreault blew by him again at the beginning of the second, and then he had a horrifically putrid dZ turnover late in the third in a high-danger zone. But this isn’t anything new. It was just especially noticeable tonight with everything else clicking so well.

– While the power play didn’t score (against one of the worst PKs out there), they weren’t a complete flaming bag of dog shit either. The last two PPs had sustained pressure but nothing to show for it. I guess you take that as a positive.

Eight points in four games is a streak. A win against Minnesota on Sunday goes a long way in the slog toward a wild card spot. If Kempný isn’t in the lineup, I’ll scream.

Forward, not backward. Upward, not forward. And always twirling, Twirling, TWIRLING toward freedom.

Beer du Jour: Tommyknocker Blood Orange IPA

Line of the Night: “He would purposely hold on to [the puck] to let the boos go. He looked like a WWE villain.” –Foley on Kane getting booed by Jets fans years ago.