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Game #43 – When the Going Gets Tough and the Stomach Acids Flow – Hawks 1, Wild 2

Box Score

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Natural Stat Trick

Sometimes hockey is stupid. The Hawks did everything you’re supposed to do, and they still come out of it with no points and no spot in the playoffs as of now. To the bullets.

– Let’s not bury the lede. Brent Seabrook slotted back in and scored the Hawks’s only goal. With all the grace of a Weeble, Seabrook wobbled but didn’t fall down as he crashed on a hard Kempný one timer from the point off a pass from Schmaltz. It was the perfect kind of goal given the broadcasting booth we had tonight. Feather had probably the best idea of the night though: Just scratch everyone for the next game and enjoy the 18 goals we’ll get afterward. While it was nice to see Seabrook pot a goal, outside of that, he was much of the same old. Yes, his foot block sprung Kane for a Wingels crossbar, but outside that, Seabrook was as plodding as ever.

– The Hawks got goalied tonight. When you have a 67 CF% share at 5v5, you normally expect to win by three, four, five goals. Fuck, the Hawks had and 80% share in the first, and only managed one goal. So credit where it’s due. Devan “My Face Is Way Too Fucking Small for My Head” Dubnyk shut down the Hawks from start to finish with 34 saves, and absolutely earned the two points the Wild walk away with.

– Like the terrifying Russian nesting doll he is, Beef ‘n’ Cheddar Bruce Boudreau’s ability to take all of the fun out of hockey is multilayered. He managed to keep his team, which had the puck for less than one-third of the game, afloat though the Hawks’s barrages. He put the Wild into a fucking 90s trap in the third period. I wish I could analyze what a stupid dickhead he is further, but his whole “How can I make hockey even worse than people think it is” schtick is too infuriating for words. Fuck him and his refusal to have a neck.

– If we’re going to dress seven D-men, which we shouldn’t because it’s such an inefficient and stupid idea, we cannot have Connor Murphy be the odd man out. We’ve got Seabrook at 14 minutes, Kempný at 12, and Murphy at 7. In what fucking world does it make sense to have Murphy and Kempný play less than Seabrook? I know yesterday was against the Senators, but of all the times to get Cubist with the blue line, why does Q have to do it against a divisional opponent on the ass-end of a back to back in a game in which the Hawks need two points? Again, Murphy has been BY FAR the best defenseman the Hawks have dressed in the last two months. What’s the logic here, if not THE NARRATIVE?

– With Wiener Anxiety heading to Arizona, Q decided to double shift Kane. He played almost 26 minutes tonight, more than any other Blackhawk. As usual, his line dominated, but this time, they failed to put anything away. So all we really take away from this is that Kane’s outrageous TOI led to Minnesota’s game winner after Kane took an offensive zone penalty. Great.

– Let’s try to be positive now. I’ve never been happier to be wrong about something than I am about Jordan Oesterle. He led all Hawks D-men in TOI with 25:52, and for the second straight game led the first PP unit instead of Keith. He also managed to clear a puck from the crease and prevent a goal. I’m always going to look at him a bit side-eyed for no other reason than he couldn’t hack it with the Oilers, but in the time he’s been here, he’s looked a lot better than expected.

– When your backup goaltender only gives up two goals, there’s no excuse to not win. The first goal wasn’t really Forsberg’s fault. I guess if you want to lay blame on Forsberg, you can go the Brian Boucher route and say that Forsberg overcommitted, but when a shot takes such a wild bounce off Wingels’s stick, I’m not going to place too much blame on the goalie.

But that second goal was one Forsberg probably wants back. I get that Suter has a heavy shot, but with no screen and a good view, it’s not a goal you can just shrug off. Still, if you’re only giving up two goals against the worst possession team in the NHL, you should expect a win.

– Probably not one to write home about for Duncan Keith, but it wasn’t for lack of trying. This was one of Keith’s junkyard dog, try-to-do-everything games, and with that often comes the kinds of egregious turnovers he committed at a few points in the game. WHAT DEY NEED TA DO IS DEY NEED TA SCRATCH KIEF ON FRIDEE SO HE KEN SCORE HIMSELF A BIG GOAL ON SUNDAY, MY FRENTS.

– I could go on and on about Milbury being the worst Fred Flintstone impersonator on Earth, but honestly, outside of the beginning of the second period, I managed to not listen to a goddamn thing that overgrown, overpaid pile of rocks and garbage said. Fuck him.

Sometimes hockey is stupid. That’s really all tonight was. Look forward to Duclair and pray to whichever god you like that Seabrook isn’t in the lineup Friday (he will be).

Beer du Jour: Zombie Dust and Two Hearted

Line of the Night: “I know how hard it is to do what he does.” – Mike Milbury, flat out lying about how he can relate to what a good player Patrick Kane is.

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