Everything Else

Tonight I’m Gonna Rock You Tonight – December 15

First Screen Viewing

Stars at Devils (6 p.m.)

Even though the Blackhawks are hopelessly eliminated from any shot at the playoffs by virtue of their inability to inhabit a playoff spot by the time the turkeys were pardoned (yes, I’m kidding), we’d be remiss not to watch the team mockingly flailing its collective scrotum in our faces in the standings. The Stars stand to leapfrog the Wild in the Wild Card standings with a point tonight, albeit with two extra games played. They’ll also look to get Jabba the Hitch his 800th win tonight, which is fitting, given that everyone in America is moonlighting as Annyong Bluth and seeing whichever iteration of a Star War we’re on now. They’ll start Kari Lehtonen and face a Taylor Hall-less (knee ouchie) Devils squad that’s lost three of their last four (1-2-1).

Second Screen Viewing

Maple Leafs at Red Wings (6:30 p.m.)

You watch this game for never-ending Schadenfreude of watching the Red Wings flounder. And the hope that Cock BabMike offers no quarter against his former squad. Plus the Leafs are probably top three in the best-looking sweaters department. The Leafs sans Auston Matthews, who misses his fourth straight game with a head injury, will face Jimmy Two First Names in net, as he and his 90.6 SV% try to end the Wings’s 1-5-5 skid over the last 11 games. Again, the Red Wings have lost 10 of their last 11. Not sure why they called it Little Caesers Arena, since the Wings are neither hot, ready, nor worth even the $5 their stadium’s namesake charges for pizza of a quality that you can find running through a box factory with dog shit on your shoes.

Other Games

Carolina at Buffalo (6 p.m.)

Los Angeles at New York (6 p.m.)

San Jose at Vancouver (9 p.m.)

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