Hockey

Game #42 – Hawks vs. Canucks: Hedley Lamarr’s Mugs, Pugs, And Thugs

By Sam Fels 830 0

Tyler Myers – May we present…

Alex Edler – We seem to be the only ones who know this, but Edler even this deep into his career still hasn’t met a hit he can’t jump his elbows into. Luckily these days he’s not mobile enough to get to most of them. A bigger villain in that cold war at the beginning of the decade than he got credit for.

Antoine Roussel – Back from injury and stealing a shit ton of money. People will realize that much like Andrew Shaw, you don’t pay a pest a ton of money because A.) their shelf-life just isn’t that long given they style and B). they may decide performing all the silliness makes less sense once they’re secure. They don’t have to prove much now.

Hockey

Game #15 – Canucks vs. Hawks: Hedley Lamarr’s Muggers, Buggerers, Bushwhackers

By Sam Fels 832 0

Alex Edler – We’re really stretching here (not Troy Stetcher-ing…we’ll show ourselves out), but the Canucks just aren’t the grouping of fuckwits you used to know and…well, know. So we’ll go with Captain Elbows here, who never met a hit he couldn’t leap into like Quinn the Eskimo just got here. Edler has been getting away with this crap for years, and perhaps one day he’ll miss and turn into shards on the boards and we’ll finally be vindicated. Probably not, though.

Tyler Myers – At least the Canucks have kept up tradition in having a big, doofus defenseman on their roster whom they will massively overpay for years. Sure, Myers is playing well now. It started well in Buffalo and Winnipeg, too. Then he gets bored with his defensive responsibilities, convinces himself he’s the big blond dork version of Paul Coffey and goes cowboy-ing his way all over the ice while the opponents gleefully and perhaps disbelievingly gallop into the spaces he’s supposed to be in but is ignoring. You’ll see, garbage-throwers and shit-ass rioters. You’ll see.

Jordie Benn – If he ever shaves, he’ll be out of the league within seven minutes.

Everything Else

Game #72 – Canucks vs. Hawks Q&A: The Hockey Dipshit

By Sam Fels 1027 0

Every so often when the Hawks and Canucks meet, we’re lucky enough to get to talk to The Hockey Dipshit (@HockeyDipshit). Today is one of those days. 

The Canucks playoff chase seems to have died out, such as it was. Sitting in fifth for the lottery. This was always the better outcome, no?
Oh, absolutely. Next year is when they should start maaaybe thinking playoffs. This year was a combination of Pettersson being unreal and the West being a big pile of burning, stinky trash. People are going to paint this season as a big step forward for the team, and in certain ways, it was. But they’re still spinning their wheels with what seems like dozens of faceless replacement-level players. I’m just glad I don’t have to see Markus Granlund get completely caved in by the Flames or the Sharks. And hey, [In extremely exhausted tone of voice], maybe they’ll get lucky in the lottery this year.
 
Are the last couple weeks dependent on Quinn Hughes and Will Lockwood signing up and coming over?
Hughes is up and if I had to guess, he’ll make his debut later this week against Calgary. He’s been battling a foot injury, and as much as I’d love to see him play, I also don’t want to see him hurt himself in a completely meaningless game. I can’t see Lockwood signing before the season is up, and even if he did, I doubt he’d get any playing time. Which is too bad, because it would have been nice to see what he could do with, let’s see here… Tim Schaller? Ah… never mind.
 
Elias Pettersson, the one bright spot, has stalled out a bit over the past few weeks. Is that anything more than playing so many games and being the main and perhaps only weapon?
I think it’s a combination of it being a long season and other teams keying in on him more. He’ll still do at least two totally bonkers things a game regardless of whether or not he actually hits the scoresheet, though. He recently said he had to try to be more selfish on the ice, and then proceeded to rip home maybe his most ridiculous shot of the year against the Devils… so hopefully his selfish streak continues!
 
We asked this of Petbugs last time, but with Pettersson and Hughes and maybe Demko and one or two others and a ton of cap space, how are they going to fuck this up?
I am 100% sure the Canucks are going to sign Tyler Myers to a massive, franchise-crippling deal. Possibly Wayne Simmonds as well. And they’ll be picking 7th overall. Looking forward to it!

 

Game #72 Preview Suite

Preview

Spotlight

Q&A

Douchebag Du Jour

I Make A Lot Of Graphs

Lineups & How Teams Were Built

Everything Else

Game #26 – Hawks vs. Jets Douchebag Du Jour: The Jets Do It To Themselves, Just Them…

By Sam Fels 1082 0

There was a point last season where it seemed like the Jets had learned. With all their talent, and all their speed, they didn’t need to “assert” themselves every night with idiocy and dick-measuring. It helped lead to their best season, and within some rotten luck of the Stanley Cup Final. The Jets finished 16th in penalty minutes per game last year. That had broken a streak of three seasons under head coach Paul Maurice where the Jets had finished no lower than 6th in penalty minutes per game. They were playing the wrong games at the wrong times. They seemed to have figured that out.

Not so this year. The Jets lead the league in penalty minutes per game, and nine players have racked up 20 minutes or more so far. They’ve racked up five game -misconducts this year, tied for the lead with Vancouver. They’re second in majors.

Jacob Trouba, Dustin Byfuglien, and Tyler Myers are the ones who seem to be most unable to get out of their own way, as their penalty-difference are worst on the team. They’re -7, -6. -6 respectively.

It would be infuriating to be a fan of the Jets and see them not want to remain at even-strength as much as they could. While they’re not the even-strength power they were last year, they’re among the bottom teams in drawing penalties and power play time. When you have Patrik Laine, you’d think you’d want to be setting him up in “the post” as often as damn possible on the man-advantage.

You could see this being a problem for the Jets down the road, where they’ll have to negotiate the Predators and possibly Sharks back-to-back, though the Predators aren’t clicking on the power play at the moment. You know what the Sharks man-advantage can do.

The Jets defense is not going to be ever be dominant. Trouba has regressed a touch, Byfuglien has only a tangental relationship with his own end. Tyler Myers just straight sucks. But it doesn’t have to be stupid. If it is, it’ll cost them just about everything.

 

Game #26 Preview Suite

Preview

Spotlight

Q&A

Douchebag Du Jour

I Make A Lot Of Graphs

Lineups & How Teams Were Built