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You Get What Anyone Gets: Saying Goodbye To The Boston Bruins

By Sam Fels 1905 0

You have to hand it to Brad Marchand. Some people saw “Wag The Dog” and just enjoyed it. But some saw it and thought they could apply it to their own lives, no matter the forum. Because look at all the things his wandering tongue distracted us from.

The first and foremost thing we stopped paying attention to when Marchand wanted to know how to get to everyone’s chocolate center was that the Bruins overall were something of an illusion. Actually, a massive illusion. They were one line and a goalie having a renaissance season.

How do we know that? Because of the way everyone drops when Patrice Bergeron wasn’t on the ice. Charlie McAvoy, the moon-faced mouth-breather that looks like every Tufts student who got lost in Kendall Square on a Saturday afternoon that went wrong, spent most of the year bathing in the plaudits and accolades and the little cartoon tins of Skoal that emote from admirers in Quincy and Dorchester. He was great when Bergeron was keeping the puck in the other end. But every time you looked up this spring, he spent more time in the trail-technique than Sargent Stedenko.

Brad Marchand’s taste-buds-in-wanderlust also kept most people off the fact that Zdeno Chara is old and slow, which tends to happen when one is the size of an armored truck and 40. Good thing they re-signed him for another year. The Hawks beat the Bruins five fucking years ago by going straight at him with speed. How was that going to get better now?

It also, somehow, convinced people that Rick Nash–Rick Goddamn Nash who has been the posterboy for playoff incompetence since just after the last Tool album was released–was a prime deadline pickup.

Rick Nash.

Rick Nash had the same exact season that Brandon Saad did and yet everyone thinks Saad should be turned into cow feed. But it makes Rick Nash the piece you have to have. Seriously, what is this happy horseshit?

All that teeth-gnashing over tongue-lashings, combined with Pierre McGuire’s hit-fetish, swayed people from paying attention to David Backes–he of the $6 million for three more years–managed all of one goal this playoff run. Goes nice with his one goal from last year’s. They make a nice set! Too bad he won’t be able to count to two from here on out but hey, shit happens.

But perhaps the biggest piece of genius that Marchand touched upon when he touched his tongue upon those who did not invite it was that Marchand continued his playoff dog ways that he’s been perfecting since 2012. Coming into this spring, in 47 playoff games Marchand had managed six goals. And sure, the cure for that, at least temporarily, was to play a team that didn’t have a defense and a goalie who was convinced he was a glass of orange juice in Toronto.  There’s curing the disease and just treating the symptoms, though. Put in front of an actual goalie and defense, Marchand managed no goals and four points in four straight losses. Fucking dynamo stuff, that.

It’s kind of amazing how the Bruins got here, with that defense and nothing behind that top line. Sometimes hockey is just fucking weird. It also helped that they were in a division with five garbage teams they could harvest the organs of. Going 12-0 against Ottawa, Detroit, and Montreal sure provides a hell of a shine. Better than turtle wax, you’d have to say.

Naturally, Boston fans and media are taking this defeat lying down like they always do, doing the reverse sirens’ song they specialize in that makes everyone want to leave the East Coast the minute they get off work. Next fall we can look forward to really hot, “NO ONE SANG THE ANTHEM LIKE FAHKIN’ RENE! NO ONE DENIES THIS!” God help us if the Bs hire a woman or minority to replace him, given the oh so liberal nature of the Boston sports scene. It’ll be a full week on FartStool. That is if they’re done complaining about the refs by then. Or 2050.

The Bruins look set for the future, though if McAvoy’s face continues to get in the way of his vision and defense it might not matter. And there’s still Don Sweeney in the GM chair, the guy who decided Dougie Hamilton wasn’t worth it but Torey Krug and his broken GPS were. Highlight stuff there.

So goodbye, Bruins. You were a Copperfield trick that had us all fooled. But eventually, Claudia Schiffer wises up.

 

 

Everything Else

Night Songs – Round 2 Weekend 2 Wrap: The Truth Comes Out

By Sam Fels 1506 0

Found out a lot about a lot this weekend. Let’s get to it:

Winnipeg Leads Nashville 3-2

This series has basically been delicious. It confirms everything we thought about the Preds, in that they were more Pekka Rinne than they or any of their sycophants who just want to drink on Broadway again in the spring for free wanted to consider. The Preds got back into the series by trapping and basically playing 90’s Knicks basketball, and they still needed a miracle save from Rinne to make that work. Back at home and in front of a crowd too busy trying to memorize all their chants that are just variants of the word “suck,” they didn’t feel they could do that. They tried to go toe-to-toe with the Jets, and they got stomped. Sure, the shots and attempts charts will tell you this was a more even game. But an even game with the Jets isn’t an even game. They have more firepower than just about anyone in the league at forward. So if you’re getting the same amount and type of chances they are, most likely they’re going to bury more of them.

And Kyle Connor turning Treat Boy into bucket-and-mop material didn’t do my heart any worse either.

So now Laviolette has a choice. He can try and trap and stall his way back home to a Game 7, a method that works but has a very low margin for error. One bad deflection undoes all the work. And if it doesn’t work he’s going to face some tough questions about why he was fucking with his lineup all playoffs long to get guys like Scott Fucking Hartnell in the lineup but not Calle Jarnkrok or Kevin Fiala. It’s especially hilarious because next year is almost assuredly the time on Lavvy’s clock when his players start to regard him as a bellowing meat sack and tune him out. It’s happened everywhere he’s been, and it’s a miracle he’s lasted in Music City this long. A lot rides on tonight.

Knights defeat Sharks 4-2

I had suspected that the Sharks weren’t all that good, but hoped for better. Then again, I don’t know what you do when a goalie is throwing a .965 at you at evens, which is what Marc-Andre Fleury is doing. And that’s really what it comes down to. It’s not that the Knights aren’t deserving winners of this series. But if Fleury were playing at a mere mortal level, even with like a superb .930 or something, this series is headed back to the desert for a Game 7 or it’s already over the other way.

The Sharks will have some decisions to make this summer, as every key player they have is over 30 with the exception of Martin Jones. They’re considered the leaders to get Tavares, which would certainly change the complexion of the next couple of years whether Thornton stays or retires or goes because of it. If they don’t get Tavares though, you wonder how much longer they can keep coming up with decent seasons and playoff runs. Especially if  Calgary and Edmonton were ever to get their act together (don’t need to worry about the latter, thought).

As for the Knights, my suspicion, based on anything normal, is that this all comes to an end against whoever’s next. They can’t outrun the Jets for sure, and though the Preds’ might isn’t what most think they can match Vegas’s forwards and have a fleet defense that won’t be overawed by Vegas’s forecheck. They also wouldn’t insist on playing Paul Martin for a portion of it because they’ve been hit with a brick when they weren’t looking. But that assumes a normal goalie performance, and Fleury is doing anything but that. To bet against him is a fool’s errand.

Also, with Rinne and Fleury having career renaissances at 33 and 34 as they have, that gives you faith that should Corey Crawford ever be healthy he can maintain the level he was setting too.

Capitals lead Pittsburgh 3-2

Oh, Caps. Won’t you ever learn? Don’t you see where this is taking you? Haven’t you walked this road again and again? We know this road. We know exactly where it ends.

As sick as I am of Caps fans everywhere nailing themselves to a cross every four minutes, it’s about time Alex Ovechkin broke through. Sure, they’ll get railroaded by the Lightning in the next round, who are now going to be rested and having played just 10 games to get this far. But do you trust them? Do you trust Holtby to play well enough to keep the Penguins down for two games? Do you trust the Caps to get goals from anywhere else besides their top line? Do you trust Tom Wilson not to completely fuck up Game 7 when he comes back?

It could happen. These things always seems to reverse at some point. Even the Canucks got to a Final once. The Penguins just might be out of gas. Their defense might just be too creaky and the Caps might have sensed they can get behind it whenever they want. Maybe Sid doesn’t have any magic jewels left in his bag.

But which way would you wager?

Lightning Beat Bruins 4-1

We’ll save most of our thoughts for the eulogy, but the Bruins might have been the biggest mirage we’ve seen in a long time. They were one line and a goalie playing well, and because that one line was so other worldly it masked all their other problems. But when that one line couldn’t go for three a night, they got utterly stomped.

The hockey season is long enough that there’s plenty of time to outthink yourself. The Bolts were the best team before the season started, and there really was never a reason to think they were otherwise other than boredom and injuries. They have four lines and three pairings, though someone is going to expose Dan Girardi and Anton Stralman. It won’t be the Caps or Penguins though, at least not the Caps. We should be all in for a Lightning-Jets Final, not only because it would piss NBC off to no end and you’d get many hockey writer tears about not being able to go to Nashville or Vegas on the company dime, but because it would be a Final packing more firepower than any since at least 2013, probably 2010, and maybe even longer than that.

Everything Else

Night Songs – Round 2 Day 8: Once It Cools…

By Sam Fels 1370 0

It felt like we got back to what we’re used to seeing in playoff hockey after the mainlining Special K that the first few games were. And that’s fine, as coaches aren’t here to entertain. Maybe we’ll get back there, maybe we won’t, but we won’t be short on drama at least. But man did I miss the high.

Capitals 1 – Penguins 3 (Tied 2-2)

The theme coming out of this one seemed to be the Capitals thought they missed a chance to really take a hold of this series, Capitals history being littered with excellence after going up 3-1 of course, but I don’t have any idea where that came from. Matt Murray didn’t have to work all that hard to keep them to one goal, as Ovechkin and Oshie–presumably their two biggest scorers–didn’t come up with a shot at even-strength all night. Oshie at least bagged one on the power play, but Ovie and Kuznetsov got Sid and Guentzel in their face on every shift and were left with tire tracks on their intestines. I don’t buy into the Ovechkin as playoff failure narrative that everyone is so eager to trot out (there are dozens of other reasons the Caps have never managed eight playoff wins) but after a fine Game 3 it was pretty damn clear why Sid has the hardware last night, both from his performance and his teammates. Again, I don’t always go for this kind of thing but this heatmap seems pretty telling of the events last night in The Burgh:

That’s a pretty easy night for Murray. Heading back to DC either Trotz is going to have to put Backstrom back with Ovechkin or get Ovie and Kuznetsov out against someone else for the majority of the game.
Caps fans will bitch that the league is out to get them, ignoring the fact that Wilson probably should have been suspended longer for repeated offenses, in a world that made sense Oshie might be looking at one for his Fosbury flop attempt into Kris Letang’s head that was only five seconds late, and they got the Gift Of Parallax (my favorite Jethro Tull song) in Game 2. They’ve been on the margins for both of their wins, and will have to find a gear this organization has never found to get out of this one alive. I’m here for however this goes.
Predators 2 – Jets 1 (Tied 2-2)
Goddamn you, Peter Laviolette.
Realizing that playing at the most ridiculous pace anyone’s seen was not going to benefit his forwards who were outgunned by the Jets, Lavvy went all NHL-coachy last night and man did it work a treat. As McClure discovered yesterday, the first three games of this series were averaging 129 attempts for 60 minutes of even-strength play. For comparison’s sake, the Kings-Hawks tilt-a-whirl of ’14 averaged 114 in Games 5-7 when that one went plaid. So yeah, we might not have seen anything like that before.
Well, the Preds weren’t having it last night. They kept their third forward especially high in the offensive zone, and every time the Jets looked up there were three Preds back, and they were contained between them and two hard-back-checking forwards. This is a problem the Jets have, as the only thing close they have to a trap-buster on defense is Byfuglien and he’d have to care more to really be one. It’s not really Trouba’s game and though Tyler Myers is under the impression it’s his that is most certainly not the case. That leaves the forwards to do it but then there really isn’t anyone to get in on loose pucks chipped into the Preds’ zone and the Preds also have the fleetest defense to win those races anyway.
It was not an especially good night for Paul Maurice. Again, if I squint I can see why Buff by far was the busiest d-man for the Jets, because in theory he’s the only puck-rusher of the bunch. That ignores the fact that when he’s not in the offensive zone he blows. He took the penalty that resulted in the difference on the scoreboard because he’s a dumb and lazy defender, getting completely pantsed by known-magician Matthias Ekholm. Maurice tried to get Buff out against the bottom six of the Preds but even that didn’t work, as he managed a 38% share and was his fat ass was harassed and bothered all night because he didn’t bother to move. Buff is fine if he can outscore all his problems, which he’s mostly done these playoffs. He scored in Games 2 and 3, and that’s enough to ignore that he’s mostly been getting his head stuck in the pencil sharpener for the entirety of the games. When he doesn’t score, it’s impossible to ignore.
Still, this approach from Laviolette made the margins all that smaller, and if it wasn’t for Pekka’s knob (oh lord) then this could have gone sideways on him anyway. The Jets would have had the lead, the building rocking, and it’s a lot harder to stay patient with all that going on. Fascinated to see if they Preds can do this at home in front of their crowd demanding a higher pace. We were also treated to a Ryan Hartman playoff goal, which is going to have the construction worker focus group McD keeps outside his office window in a fine mood.
It also was a shit night for hockey coverage, because scratching Kevin Fiala for Scott Hartnell is a shit decision no matter what your plan is. And Hartnell didn’t do anything all night except yell and smell but because the Preds won, this is hailed as genius. Try it again, Lavvy, I dare you.
Everything Else

Night Songs – Round 2 Day 7: He’s Just Not That Into You

By Sam Fels 1471 0

Bit of a comedown last night from Tuesday night’s Fury Road type action, and maybe we all needed it.

Lightning 4 – Bruins 1 (TB Diddlers lead 2-1)

Watching the Bruins more and more these playoffs, I can’t help but think I’m seeing a one-line mirage. Granted, that one line might be the best line we’ve seen in the league in quite some time, and they clearly bandage all of the numerous wounds the Bruins have elsewhere. But even though it’s only 2-1 and it felt like the Bs could get their way back into last night’s game at any moment, they’re still basically getting held at arm’s length like the younger sibling while flailing their too-short arms hilariously nowhere near the target.

Again. Bergeron’s line was mostly great, and because Chara and McAvoy mostly play behind them they came along. And even Krejci’s line was good last night. But the bottom six, because the Lightning are just deeper, are getting turned into chum pretty much every shift, and the Bruins defense behind that top pairing, which just might not be that good to begin with, look like those twisted Little Lungs ads after every shift. And seeing as how Tuukka Rask isn’t doing Marc-Andre Fleury things, the Bruins seem pretty doomed.

All of this could flip, of course. Rask could get hot or Bergeron’s line could get off the chain for a few games and then we’re back to square one. But when that line doesn’t score, whatever their possession numbers might be, and score a lot, this team is waiting for the vacant gapes of Rick Nash and David Backes to contribute. Let’s ask all of their former teams how that’s worked out for them in the past. That weird sound you hear is multiple fanbases curling up into a fetal position simultaneously.

Knights 0 – Sharks 4 (Tied 2-2)

Amazing what happens when Fleury isn’t stopping 98% of the shots he sees, no?

The Sharks womped the Knights last night, which is the first time really they’ve done so this series. While the past three games have seen them at least be able to control the Knights to an extent at evens and then make good with their power play or even at 4-on-4, which is weird because you’d think the Knights would have the advantage there, last night was the first time they were better everywhere. I’d like to believe it was because they finally sent Paul Martin to a farm upstate and inserted Joakim Ryan to give Brent Burns a minder, but that wouldn’t explain all of it. The Sharks 4th line had the best of it again, which isn’t a huge shock because at the end of the day the Knights’ 4th line is still comprised of bottom of the barrel castoffs and rejects, and no amount of chips on shoulders and “revenge on the world” rhetoric is going to change that.

If Fleury is merely good the rest off this series, Vegas will lose. If he goes back to other-worldly, they probably won’t. Sometimes it’s simple.

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Night Songs – Round 2 Opening Weekend: This Is Better

By Sam Fels 1553 0

I think we can all admit without turning in our hockey fan cards that the first round was pretty middling as far as entertainment. And that’s actually fine. When you have a few, clear, really good teams as the NHL does, the first round probably should be underwhelming. The Jets, Preds, and Lightning were always going to bludgeon whoever they saw (which the Preds eventually did). The only long series of intrigue really as the Leafs and Bruins and that was more for the comedy of what we all knew was coming. But this round shaped up to be the true must-see theater, and it really has been.

Jets-Predators goes plaid, and 1-1

It’s with a slight twitch of pain that I say this, because it’s always cool knowing your team played in the best playoff series of the post-lockout era even if it lost it, but this Jets-Preds has every chance of being as good if not eclipsing Hawks-Kings ’14. The pace last night simply was ridiculous, and both of these teams seemingly have accepted they’re going to give up chances to get their own. Last night was an example of how the Jets defense might be the first to crack, as on Arvidsson’s goal Chiarot got caught wandering and the Preds have the forward depth to make that a problem, and then for the winner a clearly still rusty Toby Enstrom got caught on a pinch and Byfuglien played the ensuing 2-on-1 like the dog that he is in his own zone. He was awful from the 3rd period on and it’s a small miracle he didn’t help create the winner for the Preds before that.

Encouragingly for the Jets though, it was the top line that basically had to do everything for Nashville as Winnipeg rolled over the rest. Not encouragingly is that Peter Laviolette was happy to let the top lines go at each other and Scheiele did not come out ahead, but also he kept throwing Byfuglien out behind them. Maybe Paul Maurice thinks his top line is enough protection for Buff and Enstrom, but it most certainly was not last night. Look for Trouba and Morrissey to be the ones getting the assignment in Winnipeg. And for this series only to get faster and more frantic, which is great for all of us.

Sharks and Knights split with 2OT as well

Clearly the Sharks weren’t ready for Vegas in Game 1 and everything that could have gone wrong did. They were hellbent on slowing the game agains the Knights in Game 2 and it mostly worked. You get in trouble with Vegas when you let them get behind you in the neutral zone or hit the line with speed with or without the puck and harass your d-men. The Sharks made sure their d-men backed up at the first sign of trouble, basically put three across their own line so even when the Knights dumped it in they couldn’t come over the hill like starving Scotsmen painted blue on the forecheck. It requires you basically bury a good percentage of your good chances because you won’t get as many as normal, but the Sharks did. Interesting to see if they can do this at home with a more expectant home crowd. Then again, Fleury can’t keep this up, can he?

Pens Caps Is Pens Caps

I’ll admit I basically thought that once the Caps coughed up a two-goal lead in the time it takes to take a shit in Game 1 at home that this series is basically over. And it may still yet prove that way. Of course, this being the NHL, we can’t talk about how it’s been really entertaining and both Ovechkin and Crosby are giving this series the battling star-power the league has been dying for because it’s overshadowed by either the league’s incompetence or stupid shit like Tom Wilson braining Brian Dumoulin.

Do I know it was a goal? No, I don’t but you can’t tell me the call was confirmed when there was no call. The refs just blew the play dead and then high-tailed it for the headphones. And I get that different angles can skew things, but we can pretty much conclude that thing was over the line. As for Wilson, he’s lost any benefit of the doubt and the league would do well to try and cap any future stupidness from him by sitting him again. But they won’t, and it’s not like it would work from a real life Venom anyway.

Bs kneecap Bolts

This was a surprise, but sometimes the team that’s sat around for a while just isn’t as sharp as the one that played two nights ago and this is what that looked like. Also, why is Brayden Point and Anton Stralman your choice to deal with the best line in hockey? If you have any hope of beating the Bruins you have to keep Pastrnak-Bergeron-Marchand on a leash and you’re not doing that with Brayden Fucking Point, whatever his season was. And Stralman might be dead, and if he isn’t he’s definitely on a lot of tubes. The Bolts might have the second best line in hockey so they should be fighting fire with fire and if Victor Hedman is a Norris candidate then he should be out there trying to keep Bergeron’s line in their own end. Ryan McDonagh is fine but he’s a second pairing guy now. Then again, if they’re going to insist on pairing Dan Girardi with Hedman maybe that’s the problem. They’re going to have to figure out something, because letting that line go off or multiple goals is a great way to assure you’re going to enjoy the Florida sunshine full-time right quick. Ha, just kidding, no one enjoys Tampa.

Everything Else

Watching The Party – FFUD’s Round 2 Preview: Penguins vs. Capitals or The Gods Must Be Crazy

By Sam Fels 1428 0

 vs. 

It’s kind of amazing, while feeling completely inevitable, that we ended up here again. The Capitals were not supposed to be good, much less win the Metro again. The Penguins flirted with both ends of the spectrum this season, flipping between simply awful and simply brilliant sometimes game-to-game. So it was thought the Penguins might have lost by now, or that the Caps would. All of that conveniently forgot that the rest of the division has to wear a helmet both on and off the ice at all times, and were never going to get in they way of these two again. But for once, it’s probably the third-best and third-most anticipated series of this round instead of being the main event of the entire playoffs as its been the past two years. Could that lessening of the spotlight be what the Capitals need to finally get one over their black and gold clad tormentors?

Let’s run it through:

Goalies: The Penguins don’t have any questions. Matt Murray wasn’t excellent against the Flyers, but he didn’t have to be while the Flyers were recreating the Budweiser Frogs in net all series. He’ll probably have to be better here, you’d think. Ovechkin doesn’t tend to lose his mind and principles in the playoffs the way Claude Giroux does, and he comes with Kuznetsov, Oshie, Backstrom, and some spiky bottom-sixers. Murray beat them two years ago but was injured last year so it was left to Fleury to stand by and watch the Caps hilariously fold in on themselves. Murray wasn’t particularly good against the Caps this year, going 2-2-0 while turning around 12 times in four games. But then he wasn’t particularly good in the regular season overall and he still finds himself here.

It would appear the Caps are now settled on Braden Holtby, who gets the chance to make amends for what was a very disappointing season. The incoming hero seems to have brightened his mood, as he threw a .932 at the Jackets in five appearances. But the Jackets don’t come with anything like Crosby, Kessell, Malkin (if he’s healthy), Hornqvist, Guentzel, and a host of others who have proven to be dependable playoff scorers. But Holtby already knows this. He was excellent two years ago and it wasn’t his fault that the Caps lost three OT games. He was pretty awful last year and was a big reason the Caps lost. He’s going to have to at least split the difference here, and unless you play a Guy Boucher-trap-until-everyone-strokes-out system to protect your goalie, these Penguins just don’t get goalie’d.

Defense: The Penguins defense always seems to play above its head, no matter who’s in the lineup and who isn’t. Dumoulin, Letang, Maatta, and Schultz were mostly excellent against the Flyers, and they were under serious pressure at times. The Penguins do make it easier on their d-men where they’re not asked to connect on breakout passes all the time but simply chips into space in the neutral zone for their speedy forwards to latch onto. This certainly helps them. Ruhwedel and Oleksiak are limited but aren’t asked to do much, and the Caps don’t quite have the depth they used to to really get at them.

At first, it looks like John Carlson was adding to his UFA presentation package with nine points in six games against the Jackets. But all of them came on the power play and the Penguins are just not going to be as forgiving. That said, the Caps top four on paper matches the Penguins’, if not better. And that includes Michal Kempny which makes me want to put my fist through a wall and eat the drywall that ends up on the floor. Just like the Penguins, Orpik and Djoos have their issues on the bottom pairing, but the difference is that the Pens do have the forward depth to really expose them, at least if Malkin plays and Brassard isn’t asked for more. Home ice once again matters… or it would if this weren’t the Caps.

Forwards: At this point everyone knows the deal with the Penguins. A lineup loaded with fast, shifty wingers bolstered by perhaps the best center-depth in the league. That depends on the health of Evgeni Malkin. He won’t play Game 1, is a stretch for Game 2 but is probably back after that. Even without him, the Pens put up eight goals in Game 6. Brassard is a decent enough stand-in, though they leave him on the third line with Sheary and Rust and Sheahan fills in between Kessel and Hagelin. Either way, the Penguins can and do get you from everywhere, and expect Orpik to look completely bewildered at times.

This isn’t the Caps group you remember, as it is far top heavier than it was. If Ovie and Kuznetsov and Oshie don’t score in this series, at evens or the power play, the Caps are toast. Smith-Pelley and Eller and Vrana are the kinds of players you’d expect to provide support scoring, and they’ll need to. Even with all that, Tom Wilson is going to take a really dumb penalty or 12 that the Penguins will cash in on that will shift the series. It’s just what happens. There is more depth here than the Caps get credit for but it’s not the same as the past two years. And it wasn’t enough the past two years. If Malkin misses the first two games then Backstrom and Kuznetsov have to take advantage. As soon as the Caps lose a home game all the gremlins in their heads come out to dance again.

Prediction: There’s a part of me that really wants to pick the Caps here, just for something different. But everywhere you look, you can’t see where they’re markedly better than the Penguins, if better at all. You’re counting on something you can’t predict happening for them. Maybe Holtby plays incredibly. Maybe Ovechkin binges. Maybe Lars Eller goes off. Maybe their power play stays so hot. But when looking at things that are on the baselines for both these teams, everything for the Penguins just seems likelier. Pens in 6. 

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You Get What Anyone Gets: Saying Goodbye To The Toronto Maple Leafs (Thank God)

By Sam Fels 3333 0

I woke up this morning slightly surprised that the Earth hadn’t been thrown slightly off its axis, or the weather patterns changed, or some other global-plus shift, by the entire Toronto area sinking into the core of the Earth at some point last night. And I’m sure the greater Toronto population was even more surprised the world kept spinning despite their demands that it stop to observe the collapse of the Leafs.

What shouldn’t have been surprising is how any of it went down. This is how it was going to be, and the more I think about it given how much the world’s troll Boston sports is, they gave us Barf-Fucking-Stool after all, I become more and more confident that the Bruins did this on purpose. They could have wrapped this up in five. They could have blown the Leafs out in the 1st period of Game 7. But knowing they could score at will against the Leafs defense and especially Freddie Andersen in a Game 7, they probably thought it would most entertaining to do it this way. They even teased it by going down 4-1 in Game 5 and nearly coming back. That’s storytelling at its best, folks.

I never really bought into the whole East Coast bias thing fully, because I figured if it was your job you’d stay up to watch games on the West coast. After all, where the fuck do sportswriters have to be before 10am? But clearly they never did, because the way the entire Leafs Nation tried to sell themselves, and then did, on Freddie Andersen quite frankly wreaks of a cult that should be put on every watchlist by every government in the world. It’s not like there’s a small sample size on this. He’d basically spit it in every playoff series he’d played, including Game 7 meltdowns in ’15 and ’16. And yet there they were on whoever the fuck sponsors whatever the fuck the HNIC pregame show is called telling us everything was right in the world because Andersen was now playing four inches closer to the crease or something. If you watched closely enough you could see Kelly Hrudey’s brain spilling out of his ear while Elliote Friedman wondered what he’d done in a previous life to be chained to this desk of jackasses and nincompoops.

Not that Andersen got any help. Jake Gardiner has always been “a guy,” and if he wasn’t covered by the biggest media group in the league every night you wouldn’t be able to tell him apart from the guy in line in front of you at 7-11. Except that guy would probably stand a better chance of remaining in front of you. Gardiner’s game last night was surrealist performance art to a level that even Dali looked upon it and remarked, “Good God what the fuck is that?” Shockingly, Roman Polak couldn’t clean up the mess either. Is now a good time to mention that Mike Babcock hasn’t won a playoff series in five years? And that one came against the Ducks in a Game 7, so does that even count? No, it doesn’t. But hey, give him miles the best roster in either league or international play and there’s at least a decent chance he won’t fuck up royally while boring the ever loving shit out of you.

But in the end, this is really what Leafs fans and media want. You can’t find a group that desires more to be both the pre-2000 Yankees and Red Sox. They demand you pay attention to them at all times, while also feeling sorry for them. They must have you recognize they are the smartest fans in the league while also acting like the dumbest and most deranged. This is a fandom that launched a nutcase filming videos in front of jars of his own piss into a cult hero. They want you to recognize their history while also bemoaning it as the reason they’ll never be happy. They have Canadiens fans’ smugness without any of the success (even if the Habs’ success is mostly bullshit as well, as a majority of their Cups came when they gamed a system in a league comprised of six teams that were 90% drunk truck drivers that simply got lost and they tossed sticks and gear at).

Leafs fans demand you witness their blood-letting, which I assume was the only purpose of Maple Leafs Square. Whereas the Jets used to have a portrait of Queen Elizabeth in their arena, the Leafs should hang one off a Vietnamese self-immolating monk. Except the only thing Leafs fans are protesting is their own stability. To hear them tell it they’re the love children of Job and Sisyphus.

They get no help from their media, a group of idiots convinced of their superiority simply because of where they live. By the time you read this, or not too long after, you can bet some columnist will have connected last night’s loss to the atrocity in the Toronto burbs on Monday. Speaking of which, someone should have told that misogynistic, twisted, deranged fucko before he got in that van that if you can’t get laid in Toronto all you have to do is film a bunch of videos in front of all your toys, or ones of you showcasing your “NHL-level” ball-hockey skills on some playground while children who just wanted to get on the swingset that you closed off cry in the background, or produce a chart that shows how in fact Frank Corrado would have won a Hart by now and the strangest women in the world will write fanfic about you. Better yet, introduce all of Incel Toronto to Freddie Andersen and tell him it’s Game 7. Everyone scores!

The question is really how they got this way, because it’s not like they do this every year. Caps fans may be intolerable vampire-goths now but at least they snuff it to the team they hate most every goddamn year. The Leafs do this like a couple times a decade. There is no long stretch of heartbreak here, but you can bet Gardiner’s abstract pigeon pose leading to the winner last night will have yearly columns written about it until we all spin off into the sun.

None of this will change, given that Leafs media and fandom alike would show up with various clubs and spikes if their beloved William Nylander was traded for any d-man that doesn’t asphyxiate himself. Actually, they’d just show up with giant print-outs of graphs and spreadsheets they made up themselves while their spouses pack up their belongings.

The knives have come out for Auston Matthews, as if he didn’t have Krejci and Bergeron and Chara up his ass all series. We can only hope that he signs exactly a four-year deal when his ELC is up and then hightails it for the border the exact minute he becomes a UFA. You know he already wants to.

Actually, no, that’s what THE NATION wants. They want to drive all their starts out of town so they have more excuses to try and pierce their own nipples with an ice pick in public. And they should never get what they want. And then they can retire #34 and put it next to #17 and #13 and #93 and have a nice grouping of players who never played in a Final while wearing blue.

Good riddance. And oh, the Raptors are going to get just far enough so that LeBron can once again waltz in to the ACC, lay it across your forehead while singing, “Ain’t That A Kick In The Head?” and walk out before you even know what happened. Go ahead and pretend to care about TFC. We know the truth.

Everything Else

Watching The Party – FFUD’s 2nd Round Preview: Sharks vs. Knights or That’s About Enough Of This

By Sam Fels 2328 0

 vs. 

SCHEDULE: WE DON’T KNOW BECAUSE THE NHL IS A BUNCH OF STUPIDHEADS!

HOW THEY GOT HERE: The Sharks fustigated the Ducks in 4, and the Knights did worse to the Kings in 4

At some point, the bubble has to burst. Thanks to the Kings deciding to play their first-round series like they were relegation fodder, the Knights got to simply waltz into the second round in their first playoff asking with barely a sweat. A steam-room for half an hour would have been more taxing. The Sharks won’t be as cowardly or stupid, but then they don’t have a horseshoe and salt and a rabbit’s foot jammed in their colon like the Knight have had all season. The Sharks come with no less playoff savvy than the Kings had, they just have a much better roster. One hopes this is where the Knights dance of the seven veils finally comes to an end, because this has been a bit silly.

Goalies: Whatever we said about Sergei Bobrovsky, the opposite just might be true of Martin Jones. He threw a .970 at the Ducks in the first round, though to be fair the Ducks didn’t post much more of a threat than a veiled suggestion at him. But this follows his .935 in the first round loss last year to the Oilers, and his .923 in the Sharks’ run to the Final in ’16. Jones just might be a playoff goalie, and he’ll get more support than Jonathan Quick got.

You used to toss all sort of jokes at Marc-Andre Fleury, and then he’d let those jokes pass by his glove or through his legs into the net. Not so now. Fleury was even better than Jones in the first round with a .977, but then again he faced even less of a threat than Jones did as the Kings barely sent one forward over the red line all series while Dustin Brown looked at things with his Dustin Brown face. We can say for sure that Fleury will get tested more here, but this is the same guy who backstopped the Penguins through the first two rounds last year. Where and if the Knights break, it’s unlikely to be in net.

Defense: While it doesn’t get the pub outside of Brent Burns, this is the Sharks’ strength. It’s not as good as it could be, as for reasons he can’t even understand or explain Peter DeBoer has eschewed Joakim Ryan for the smoldering husk of Paul Martin to play with Brent Burns which is a really bad idea. The Sharks defense actually spent a lot of time on the back foot against the Ducks, though with all of the Ducks merely looking at their watch the whole series they didn’t give up a lot of good chances. You’d still take this top four, and Vlasic and Braun have a better chance at nullifying the Knights’ top line. It’s not the quickest outside of Burns, making the not-playing of Ryan even more curious, and they might have to play it cautious to keep from the Knights getting behind them a lot. Which was the Kings’ problem.

I feel like I’m done trying to explain anything that goes on with Vegas. On paper, this defense sucks. Nate Schmidt is the only one you’d want. Maybe Shea Theodore if you’ve had one too many, which is the state I assume most NHL general managers operate in. But McNabb and Engelland suck and we know this. I couldn’t pick Colin Miller or John Merrill out of a lineup. And yet because the Kings didn’t do anything other than occasionally try and spread germs to them, they were untested in the first round. You’d think they’ll get no such breaks from the far deeper Sharks, especially as Donskoi and Hertl seemed to get going in Round 1. This has to be the weak point the Sharks can exploit.

Forwards: Hanging over this series is when and if Joe Thornton will return. The real question is whether the Sharks are better without him right now. Pavelski has been a much better center than wing, and he was a pretty good wing. The Sharks play faster without Thornton, and their goal-, attempt-, and scoring chance-rates have all risen since Thornton got hurt. If the Sharks jump out to a lead in this series they can hold Thornton back even longer, though it sounds like he’s never going to be healthy. Even without him, this is a deep team. The Sharks got contributions from all four lines in their ass-stuffing of the Ducks, which has been a calling-card of the Knights. When Thornton does come back it’ll be interesting if they don’t try and simply get what they can out of him and just have him replace Eric Fehr on the fourth line. For right now, they’ve got enough.

The Knights were a little more top-heavy than the Sharks in Round 1, though given the way the Kings tried to play a Panic Room game there weren’t a lot of chances to go around. They only needed seven goals to get through. Seven goals won’t get it done here, and while the Sharks will be more open than the Kings were the Knights are going to have to get more from the likes of Eakin, Nosek, Haula, and the bottom six to get out. Because the likelihood is that Pavelski, Kane, Hertl, Donskoi are going to match whatever the Knights’ top six does.

Prediction: This one’s going to go a while, because both goalies are playing too well to see either team get out of this in four or five. Each will get at least one goalie win. And while everything seems to be breaking the Knights’ way, I trust the Sharks’ defense and bottom six more than theirs. The Sharks also probably get an emotional boost from Thornton’s return, especially as it looks like it’ll happen, in whatever form, at home in Game 3 or 4. Sharks in 6. 

Everything Else

You Get What Anyone Gets: Saying Goodbye To The Columbus Blue Jackets

By Sam Fels 1950 0

Since the NHL was measured in A.L. years (After Lockout ’04-’05), there are only three teams that have never won a playoff series. One is the Toronto Maple Leafs, you may have heard about them. One is the Florida Panthers. You probably haven’t heard about them, but I assure you they exist. And the other is the Columbus Blue Jackets. That will continue for another year, as the Jackets actually found a way to make the Washington Capitals look mentally strong. Perhaps they will be given an award for this, or certainly a commemoration of some kind, because they are the first to do so.

And looking over the entire history of the Jackets, this very well might be the only accomplishment you ever remember. Their other claim to fame is that they were the throw-in for the league to placate the Red Wings and move them to the Eastern Conference, which they’d only been bitching about for a decade and a half (and perhaps knew it was the only way they could maintain their then-pointless playoff streak). Essentially, the Jackets are the first team to be the “Player To Be Named Later.”

And really, that’s it.

The Jackets have strung together two good regular seasons, though both have been of the “hockey weird” variety. Last year it was a power play and Bobrovsky combining to see them eclipse 100 points. This year it was Bobrovsky and eventually the power play, though more sustainable success at evens as well. And it got them 100 points. And what it got us was a feeling that 100 points for a team doesn’t really mean anything at all.

What must be so infuriating for the Jackets is that they actually did a lot of stuff right this year, and it still doesn’t matter. They figured out Brandon Dubinsky sucks and has for a very long time. He barely played 10 minutes per game towards the end. They concluded that maybe Nick Foligno wasn’t all that good either, despite his heart and grit captaincy, and was on the third line. They discovered that Jack Johnson has always sucked and punted him into the pressbox when he started bitching about a new contract (or debt-servicing). For John Tortorella to come to these conclusions, one would have to start believing in a higher power.

And it didn’t matter.

Certainly Artemi Panarin turned some heads in the first three games, with two goals (including a gorgeous OT winner) and seven points to go with seven shots. He then didn’t scratch again when things got tricky in the next three games, was a -6, and there went any offense Columbus might have thought about having. Hmm, strange that. Doesn’t sound familiar at all.

And this is probably as good as it gets for the Jackets. They’ll have to give Ryan Murray and Boone Jenner raises this summer, even though no one can identify what it is they do exactly. That will eat up whatever cap space they have, as well as keeping their powder dry for when Panarin gets $10 million a year after what is assuredly going to be a nuclear free agent season next year. Good thing they have $11 million combined tied up in Dubinsky and Foligno. The going rate for guys who growl a lot is astronomical, isn’t it?

You can feel Torts burnout coming next year as well, because that’s how this works. Lucky for the Jackets, and Tavares-less Islanders team, a stunting development from the Devils, the Hurricanes collapsing under the weight of their bellicose owner, and a clueless-how-to-rebuild Rangers team are probably going to Homer-sperm themselves out of taking the Jackets playoff spot.

Which will give Sergei Bobrovsky another chance to spit up all over himself when everyone’s paying attention. Once again, this two-time Vezina winner spent a lot of time looking like the morning after on Bourbon St when the Jackets needed him most. A .900 SV% to slightly better his .882 from last year. We should also remember this is the asshole that made Timothy Leif a household name, so why did we ever give him any shine in the first place? At least there will be some hilarious trade rumors after next time. He just has to go to Toronto, right?

So thanks, Jackets, for whatever it is  you do. Also Columbus is a strangely redneck stinkhole and deserves nothing good. Thanks for providing exactly none of it for them.

Everything Else

You Get What Anyone Gets: Saying Goodbye To The New Jersey Devils

By Sam Fels 1467 0

It used to be tradition that playoff exits were complimented by eulogies on Puck Daddy. But with Wysh off in the Connecticut hinterlands and those who remain at Yahoo! being a bunch of Canadian giblets who take things far too seriously (and Lambert being angry and definitely not a Bruins fan), we don’t need them to do what we do best. So fuck it. We’ll eulogize all 15 teams that will eventually fall. Now, the team from where if you were to give America an enema, you’d aim the hose here…

For most of this season, what you heard a lot was, “These aren’t your father’s New Jersey Devils!” I guess the contention was whenever the Devils are anything more than passable the hockey world just assumes they’re the Joy Division of hockey, a funeral dirge of a performance that somehow rose to prominence while everyone involved except for the leader would really rather be doing something more fun while their fans really try and convince you they enjoy it and aren’t totally miserable people. So I guess this version is Hockey New Order.

That assumes two things: One, my father gave a shit about the Devils which he and a lot of other fathers most certainly did not and Two, that the Devils’ brand of hockey in the past didn’t kill exponentially far more dads with its Kevorkian-like methods than those it brought joy to.

Either way, these Devils were more fun, except I couldn’t help but wonder…who gives a shit? This is still a team that plays its games in the second-worst New York-satellite area (the state of Connecticut as a whole being the worst) where no one goes to and those who do sprint the fuck back to the PATH to get the hell out of Newark ASAP when the game is over. Even Tony Soprano wanted nothing to do with the place and he was bleeding it dry. And really, how does New Jersey have a mafia? There’s nothing there to grift! On the other side, you can see how a group that doesn’t want to do any actual work would thrive in a place that doesn’t let you pump your own gas.

Anyway, as for this Devils team, they were Taylor Hall–perhaps the most or second-most entertaining player to watch in the league–a bunch of kids, and a bunch of scrap heap players whose names said aloud always cause you to go, “Oh right, him.” Kyle Palmieri has been here for years, and good, and you had no idea until I just told you that. Patrick Maroon ended up here and you probably thought he had been a Devil for a few seasons because that would make sense, or you thought he was Kyle Palmieri.

Go ahead, name a Devils defensemen. I’ll wait. You can’t do it, can you? And no, Bryce Salvador is on the broadcast team now. And if you came up with Bryce Salvador, I strongly suggest your life needs changes. John Moore is here, and all 12 Devils fans hate him. That’s about all I can tell you about the Devils blue line, and quite frankly I’m not interested in finding out more and it’s my fucking job!

Pavel Zacha is definitely a player they’ve been talking about for a few years, and I guess it’s because he helps carry the torch for the Devils of having the most players with a surname that begins with Z, joining Zajac on this roster now that Dainius Zubrus has gone to wherever people named “Dainius” go. I assume it’s an Eastern European sex club, but I’m not going to investigate as I fear the answers.

Anyway, the Devils made the playoffs with one plus forward and two goalies who were nothing but mediocre. Which I guess you have to hand it to them, as they made an excellent choice in picking a dogshit division while also getting to take advantage of the fact the other division in the conference was somehow way worse, opening the wild card spots. Of course, that always meant they were going to get steamrolled in the first round, and boy did they.

The Devils have been an excellent straight man for the Oilers, given Hall’s MVP-like performance this year. Maybe that’s something they can claim to gain attention. “New Jersey: It’s Salvation From Edmonton.” You can see it on the road signs, can’t you?

This wasn’t in the plan for the Devils anyway, as this was supposed to be a rebuilding season but the NHL as a whole was like, “We’ll show you! We’ll be so bad you have to make the playoffs!” So the Devils will have an excellent chance of being a “disappointment” next year as their development continues, except not enough people would notice for that to be the case. It’s hard to be more irrelevant than the Islanders, so kudos to the Devils for managing it.