Hockey

These affront-to-The-Lord Orange Jerseys: It’s so sad, because the throwback blues of the 80s Oilers are almost perfection. They pop off the screen in HD. They harken back to the only time the Oilers mattered, which you’d think they’d want to hold onto given they’ve spend nearly three decades in the wilderness since. And now these orange things, which look like a hallucination on bad shrooms, don’t even have the right shade of blue. When will teams learn brighter is better? Their Alberta neighbors to the south get it, as the Flames are going all-retro next season. Imagine the old blue Oilers skating against the old school whites of the Flames? That’s a slice of heaven there. Instead, we’re left with this trash.

Zack Kassian: Look, we’ve all dreamed of punching a Tkachuk, whichever one happens to be available at the time. And maybe Kassian had a point with Tkachuk running around and then not answering for it. Except you can’t jump the guy and punch him on the ground. Also, Kassian is a doofus. And hiding behind some “code” or “hockey ethics” only makes you a bigger one. He can fuck off, except the Oilers just extended him believing that his production with McDavid is what he really is, instead of realizing some jerkoff peeing in the sink in the 300 Level of Rogers Place could get 10 goals on his wing.

Mike Smith: Too bad Shaw won’t be around for this one. We’ll just have to settle for Smith torpedoing the Oilers playoff chances in the last week of the season, which you know he will.

 

Everything Else

The problem with the NHL changing jersey manufacturers all the time, along with many others, is that they can’t seem to resist the temptation to fuck with things that are already working. Look at the Hawks’ collars now if you need evidence of that.

The original Sharks jerseys are nearly perfect, and should have been the template from there on out:

Simple, traditional, perfectly harmonious. A kick-ass logo, a good color scheme, matching stripes on the elbows and waist. Shoulder patches that are different than the logo. Why stray from this at all?

But it’s never that simple is it?

Then came the black alternates, which the Sharks used far too often. Black alternates is the fart joke to jersey design. It’s the simplest choice. Anyone can go to it. It’s boring, it’s been done. And the fact that the Sharks wore them in the playoffs is assuredly the reason they never won anything. You can’t wear your thirds in the playoffs.

Then this abomination:

Where’s the silver go? What the hell is the orange doing in there? Why the number in front? This is a band that’s trying to do too much in a song when it just needs a verse and a chorus. The shoulder patches are the same damn thing as the logo. It’s repetitive. It’s too busy.

And now the Sharks have this. Tell us, is this a Sharks jersey or a Dolphins jersey?

Same damn thing. And still this stupid fucking number in front. How hard is this?

We can go down the list of jerseys the NHL couldn’t help fucking with. The Flames, the Islanders for too long, the Oilers now, whatever the Canucks are doing, and on it goes. What a shame.

 

Game #77 Preview

Preview

Spotlight

Q&A

Douchebag Du Jour

I Make A Lot Of Graphs

Lineups & How Teams Were Built

Everything Else

This off season, there have been numerous teams debuting new threads. So far, the Hurricanes, Stars, and Sharks have shown what they’ll be wearing this upcoming season, with the Wild still yet to reveal their new road whites, and the Sabres bringing to the fore a new alternate third jersey. This also doesn’t even take into account the rash of one-time use sweaters that’s bound to happen for all of the outdoor games, some of which we’ve already seen.

There are so many new threads to be seen that even the Worldwide Leader felt it necessary to chime in with their all-important RANKINGS wherein the Hawks are completely erroneously left near the bottom of the top-10. And while it’s just one person’s opinion, to have it outside of the Top 6 (where honestly any of the Original Six could be used interchangably and any such ranking should have two seperate categories, such is the disparity between the flagship franchises and the rest of the league), we here at CI Headquarters have a few handy rules of thumb that work across the board, no matter the team.