Everything Else

I’m From Canada And They Think I’m Slow, Eh?

I guess now we know who Gordie’s parents were, huh?

I don’t have the adjectives or the prose ability to be able to accurately describe what has transpired in the NHL this afternoon. But I’ll take a shot and when it’s over, to quote perhaps my favorite movie villain of all time, “Don’t think that I didn’t try.” But I think today’s trades are a perfect example of just how back’ards most of the league operates and what still matters to far too many teams (wrongly). Again, try and keep in mind that the last two Cups have been won by teams loaded with skill and speed, who beat teams built similarly. And the team that won the Cups when the ones that were loaded with skill and speed still had the puck all the time. This is important.

Ok, so let’s start with Taylor Hall for Adam Larsson. By the way, having simply written that four points fell off my IQ.

Taylor Hall is one of the best three left wings in the game. Probably best two if you still consider Alex Ovechkin a right wing. And I’d be awfully curious what Hall’s numbers would look like if he had Tyler Seguin as a center like Jamie Benn does. He is still 24 and probably has his best years ahead of him. He is a dominant force, and even if you only watch Hawks games you’ll probably remember that game in November where Hall simply tore them apart every single shift.

Adam Larsson is a fine player. He’s probably a second pairing guy on a good team. He’s still only 23 and maybe turns into a poor person’s first pairing player. You do not give up one of the premier players at any position for him. No matter how bad your blue line is, this isn’t only a fireable offense but a catapult offense.

The Oilers will now sign Milan Lucic and claim they are better, because Lucic hitsfightsyapsFAAAAARRRRRTS. Milan Lucic is overrated by a factor of 12. But because he spears guys in the nads on the reg, Canadian commentators all become tumescent because they’re fucking neanderthals and decide you have to have this.

Do not underestimate how the noise that’s created by this deranged and demented muppets affects what teams actually do. The Oilers have been a mess for a decade. Because someone has to stand out over the crowd, they say it’s because Taylor Hall doesn’t want it enough or some such bullshit. Or that he’s uncoachable. And this shit gains traction, because there has to be A REASON. And it couldn’t be as simple as it being the fact that the Oilers have had a trash blue line and goalies for years. That’s not sexy. And I’m sure someone like Peter Chiarelli hears this and starts to fear he has to do something.

Or it’s just this idea that “you have to shake things up.” Like trading Hall is somehow going to snap RNH and McDavid to attention or something? Like these guys weren’t trying before? The only thing this does is probably make RNH and McDavid think their bosses have no idea what they’re doing.

And somehow, this isn’t the dumbest move of the day.

Let’s review: The Canadiens traded PK Subban in his prime years for a fading Shea Weber who is signed for 10 more years. Clearly Marc Bergevin didn’t have one scout watch the Predators this year, or he would have seen that Shea Weber is barely hanging on as a top pairing d-man these days.

But of course, to Bergevin this is about more than just on-ice production, because his last 300 meals have consisted of merely paint chips and and his own urine. Somehow, because Weber has a big beard and growls a lot and tried to harvest Henrik Zetterberg’s brain once he’s considered a LEADER. PK Subban, because he actually has a personality is considered a detriment to a club. This is what happens when you listen to your dinosaur coach who only has the job because the hyperbolic media there insist that whoever holds the position speaks French. It’s like if you gave an NHL GM job to Brian McCann or John Lackey.

How could any organization not guard PK Subban like their life depended on it? First off, he’s a top five d-man with a Norris to back it up. He is one of the premier puck movers in the game, which because of the way the game is played now just might be the most important thing a team can have.

Add to that the dude, and let me take a deep breath here, BUILT A WHOLE NEW WING TO A CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL, should be a pillar in whatever city he plays in. Scratch that, he was because every Habs fan I know is having their shoelaces hid from them right now. But in Canada, somehow Alex Pietrangelo is more worthy of a Team Canada spot. Try and wrap your head around that one.

PK Subban should be the face of this league. He’s a great player, he’s photogenic, he’s charitable, and he’s got something to say unlike 95% of the league. And he wants to be in the spotlight. He wants to be marketed. He wants to grow the game. But in the NHL, that makes you a GLORY BOY. I hope when he gets to Nashville not only do they allow him to low-five after wins but they enforce him to. And please, please, please film the practice where he tries to teach Pekka Rinne how to do it. WE HAVE TO SEE THIS.

This is one of the many reasons the NHL will always trail the NBA in popularity. The NBA isn’t scared of personality. JR Smith didn’t wear a shirt for like four days after the Cavs won. Imagine if Brandon Saad did that after the Hawks won in ’15. Nick Kypreos would eat his own face on Rogers (sidenote: Kypreos already looks like he tried to do this). We have vines of Steph Curry already heading back down the floor before his three-pointer falls through the net. We’d have to pick up pieces of Don Cherry and PJ Stock in three provinces if any hockey player did anything like this.

The NHL… where having your head up your ass just gets you another job.