Everything Else

Your NHL-less Weekend Viewing Guide

That time again. How will we fill the time without real hockey but without talking to the people we love or scraping Killion off the sidewalk? Maybe you’ll find answers here…

Friday

Hogs v. Wolves – Well, it’s as close as you’re gonna get, Boyo. It’s Friday night and it’s hockey on an actual TV channel if you live in the area (My50). So no drunken scoreboard feeds on a tiny window on your computer, no-sireee-bob. If you have a couple pops and squint real hard, it might even look like the hockey you’re used to. And you won’t even have to squint that hard when Leddy is getting overpowered behind his own net. If he even plays. This one goes at 7pm tonight. You can also watch Oshawa and Guelph from the OHL on NHLN, if you don’t come with some sort of trigger that alerts you to it being totally weird to watch children play hockey. If you don’t, I’m not sure I want to know you.

Bulls v. Cavs – Good lord do the Bulls get to open up with some trash. After drunk-fucking their way to a win over the Kings Wednesday, they get this flaming trash heap. Kyrie Irving is kind of a thing, but after that this is a roster basically built so Charles Barkley can complain about it. And the Bulls will still make it close in the 4th.

NBA Doubleheader – If you’re into it, you can watch LeBron just laugh at the Knicks, and laughing at the Knicks is always kind of a good time. After that there’s the LA thing, where the Clippers try and pretend that they matter again and the Lakers hope that nothing more falls off Kobe while Steve Nash has to lie down on the sidelines even though he’s not playing because his back is essentially a Twix right now.

Saturday

Man United v. Arsenal – For you early risers, it’s on ESPN2 at like 7am. This is where a DVR comes in handy. At least I know my Gunners-supporting college roommate will be suffering through this one, and texting me cuss words all morning that would make your hair turn green. He has two kids, by the way.

College Football – I’m told LSU and Alabama play at night and that it’s a big deal. Except when two big-time SEC teams play the score ends up being 5-4 and Nick Saban yells at a lot so all the college analysts have some footage to fap to later on. And Oregon plays USC in LA and we can watch the shots of the Trojan cheerleaders and students and ask ourselves why the fuck we went to school in the Northeast instead of out west. But hey, none of you Big Ten grads like to pass up a chance to pretend you matter, right? You’re running out of them this season.

Hornets v. Bulls – Another crap-tacular opponent for the Bulls. And a 3-0 start should lead a majority of Bulls fans to think that they can win a title without Derrick Rose. Look at how hard they play! You just watch, it’ll happen.

Sunday

Bears v. Titans – This one’s going to be trickier for the Bears than people think. While the Tennessee defense has all the resistance of a unit led by General Custer, Matt Hasselbeck is just the type of patient, smart QB who’s perfectly willing to take his five yard gains all the way down the field. Bears should still win, and you can read all about it in this weekend’s Committed Idonije which comes out in a matter of hours! Yep, shameless self-promotion there, but I need to fucking eat.

NFL – Not quite the impressive slate this week. Steelers-Giants is probably the best you’ll do at 3:25pm. Oh, but the Skins have a home banker against Carolina, which I have to mention due to the various interests on this blog. Cowboys-Falcons is your Sunday night affair, if that does anything for you and I can’t see why it would.

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