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The Doll’s Trying To Kill Me And The Toaster’s Been Laughing At Me – FFUD’s ’18-’19 Player Reviews: John Hayden

Oh this is certainly a great use of everyone’s time. The only people who liked John Hayden were the broadcast, who will believe that if he’s just given a chance he’ll really make an impact for the next 10 years. Even when he’s on another team, which hopefully is next year, you can be sure Olczyk will be bleating on about how he never got a fair shake in town even when he’s spending 80% of his time on a bus in the AHL for the next three organizations he plays for in the next five years. But hey, we’re being thorough, so let’s do whatever this is for the Ivy Leaguer, which everyone loves to point out.


54 GP – 3 G – 2 A – 5 P

46.1 CF% (-3.5 Rel)  46.9 xGF% (+2.1 Rel)

It Comes With A Free Frogurt!

I guess the expected goals are nice. That’s about it. Hayden never rose above a fourth-line role except for the occasional audition on the power play which he always biffed. But on the fourth line, if you’re creating better chances and more of them than you’re giving up, that’s good enough. And I think that’s it. I don’t know what else there is.

The Frogurt Is Also Cursed

Other than the above complaint about the broadcast, this is the third season that the Hawks have given Hayden a chance to be something of a useful power forward, and then watched it bounce off his stone hands or him not even get there thanks to his even more stone feet. He got a couple chances to play the role of “Annette Frontpresence” on the power play and in the middle six, and he didn’t do anything with any of them. He can’t get there in time to make his size count, and he doesn’t have the hands to make up for it when he ends up around the net magically at the same time the puck is there. He also ended up with 27 penalty minutes somehow and I’m sure all 11 minors he took were of the dumbass variety. You can see the Hawks moving away from their older ideas with their European signings and most of their draftees, where they’re willing to sacrifice size for speed. So Hayden’s presence must be service to some dinosaur in the front office who still believes in GRITHEARTSANDPAPERFAAAARRRRTTTT. Maybe that’s Stan, who knows. Anyway, Hayden has never done anything and will never do anything. The end.

Can I Go Now?

Hayden is signed for one more year at a nothing, which means it can be buried in Rockford and never heard from again. And then he’ll go on some streak there of like 10 goals in 15 games for no reason, get called up, Pat and Eddie will pant, and then he’ll do nothing and the whole cycle will start over again. In our dreams, there’s really no room for him on the bottom six. You have locks like Kampf, Caggiula, and Perlini (maybe?). Dominik Kahun should be on the bottom six and will be moved there with any upgrade on the top half. Dylan Sikura should probably be up full-time next year. Anisimov is still around, so that’s all six spots without any moves whatsoever. And there have to be moves. Hayden will soon be passed on the depth chart by Entwhistle, and there’s also Kubalik coming over as well next season. So we don’t have to deal with this anymore. Thank God for small favors.

Previous Player Reviews

Corey Crawford

Cam Ward

Collin Delia

Duncan Keith

Connor Murphy

Henri Jokiharju

Gustav Forsling

Erik Gustafsson

Carl Dahlstrom

Brendan Perlini

Alex DeBrincat

Chris Kunitz

Artem Anisimov

Marcus Kruger

Dylan Strome

Jonathan Toews

Brandon Saad

Dominik Kahun


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