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How Not To Write About The Hawks Elimination

By Sam Fels 2398 0

So originally I planned to do some wistful, eulogy-type thing about the Hawks being officially eliminated from the playoffs. And I may yet still tomorrow or Friday. But then I saw this, and I feel like it’s at the root of so much horseshit Hawks thinking right now that I thought it best to dissect it until it’s dust.

Though at the top, I should mention that Steve Rosenbloom has been a big supporter of ours and a genuine fan, so I don’t take pleasure in it (well, not THAT much pleasure). And Rosey is always up for a good argument, so I don’t think he’ll mind too much. With that, let’s go through what Rosenbloom had to say today.

Just like that, on consecutive nights, the United Center was eliminated from the playoffs.

On Monday night, the Bulls lost to the Knicks. Bang, officially out. First goal officially met

On Tuesday night, the Blackhawks lost to the Avalanche. Bang, officially out. Firing speculation season officially opens.

Ok… not sure what the Bulls have to do with anything but I’ll allow it. Though the Hawks and Bulls are certainly in different spots in their arc but let’s save our breath for when we need it.

Since winning the Stanley Cup in 2015, their third in six years, the Hawks haven’t won a playoff series. Geez, last year they didn’t even win one playoff game, a pantsing that came one postseason after losing a seven-game series to the evil, dreaded Blues.

Yeah, the thing is they didn’t win a playoff series for two years after the first one, so this isn’t that abnormal? I mean we’ve gone through this before. And when you say seven-game series, you’re basically saying the Hawks lost a coin flip. Which it was. But hey, if you want the Blues recent history instead of the Hawks, that’s your toasted ravioli/mucus to choke on.

Getting swept in a playoff series was deemed unacceptable last year. People lost jobs. Big verbal fingers were wagged. So, what does missing the playoffs altogether for the first time in 10 years bring?

The firing of GM Stan Bowman?

The end of Joel Quenneville as coach?

Both?

The argument for firing Bowman starts with Brent Seabrook’s inexplicable contract that still has six years and more than $41 million remaining with a no-movement clause that makes it less a playing contract than a prison sentence.

Look, I will certainly listen to arguments for firing one of or both of Stan and Q. It certainly should be brought up. But…but… I’m no insider, but even I know that Bryan Bickell’s contract and Seabrook’s weren’t all Stan’s idea. That doesn’t mean Stan was willing to see either of them walk, but as we’ve seen with Antti Niemi, Brandon Saad, and a couple others, he will pull the trigger on some parts when he feels they get too expensive.

Second, Seabrook’s extension was signed three months after that third Cup. Yes, it was too long and yes it was for too much money, but what kind of rocks would it have taken to just let him walk? Or trade him? After he had just skated like 30 minutes a game for two straight months? It appears that’s an organizational policy to not do that, and I don’t think that’s Stan’s policy. Also, name me another GM who just let a top pairing or top line player simply walk out the door? You could argue Marc-Andre Fleury, but the Penguins had Matt Murray already taking over. Again, this Seabrook contract is bad, but the alternatives, especially at the time, weren’t nearly as clear as everyone wants to believe they are now.

The argument also extends to the no-movement clauses given to former heroes such as Jonathan Toews and Duncan Keith. Toews isn’t the No. 1 center on a Cup winner anymore the way Keith isn’t a No. 1 defenseman on a future champion.

I know this is convenient and all, but Toews is closing in on a 60-point season which isn’t what you might remember him doing but he’s hardly a bum. And he’s been seriously unlucky to be at that total. Trading Toews to leave the Hawks with Nick Schmaltz and a handful of themselves at center is in a word, “lunacy.”

Keith is Thirty-Fucking-Four. You got a two-time Norris winner for barely $5 million a year. He’s been one of the biggest bargains in the league for a decade. Suddenly he’s just ballast? Yeah ok maybe he’s not top pairing anymore, but you’d still be moving him for 70 cents on the dollar at best. He can probably still take second-pairing minutes. And also we have no idea if that NMC is that big of a hinderance because the Hawks haven’t been motivated to ask because… well Duncan Keith wasn’t bad until this season, and “bad” is kind of strong.

And then there are such things as curiously big contracts for defensemen Jan Rutta and Erik Gustafsson while remaining a franchise strapped by the salary cap.

Except they’re not really strapped by the cap anymore, especially with it going up. Yeah these deals are high, but only by 500k or so and as we’ve previously discussed, the Hawks might have $12 million or more to play with. And no one needing an extension just yet, after the trading of Ryan Hartman. Which Rosenbloom strangely doesn’t mention.

The argument for firing Quenneville starts with that awful team defense and the painfully regular inability to protect a lead. Some of that blame is mitigated by the loss of star goalie Corey Crawford, but defensive responsibility team-wide has been hard to find.

Ok, before I get to the half-dismissal of Crow being hurt as the biggest reason the Hawks blow chunks, you just said four of the Hawks d-men suck deep pond scum (and you’ll allude to a fifth later), and now you’re blaming the coach that they can’t play defense?

Ok, to Crow. Since he got hurt, the Hawks SV% at ES is .910, second-worst in the league. Crow’s was .935. Yeah, ok, maybe unsustainable, but with that SV% the Hawks would have given up 23 goals less just at even-strength. I don’t know how many points that results in, but it’s more than a little. Even a .920 at evens would have seen the Hawks give up 11 less goals, and I’d be willing to be Crow would have eclipsed that because he’s been over .930 for five of the past six seasons . And we’re not even getting to the PK which has suck into the dirt to the points of being past the Earth’s core. “Some” of the blame?!

The Hawks have allowed 228 goals, fourth-worst in the Western Conference. Blame Bowman for not having a backup goalie who can win. Blame Quenneville for not devising a system that protects clearly inferior goalies. And blame the players for not executing and for not scoring the way the Hawks must.

In goals for per 60 minutes, according to NaturalStatTrick.com, the Hawks rank 18th. They used to be the scariest team in the league. Now they’re in the lottery.

Yeah I don’t know what system protects goalies that aren’t even cracking .905. Jacques Fucking Lemaire would have a hard time with this lot. We’ve already been over the blue line. So your point about Bowman is correct, except he’s also the guy who found Niemi, Emery, Raanta, and Darling as backups, so he’s allowed a fuck-up here and there? You just said they were cap strapped so they needed a backup on the cheap.

Ok, the Hawks don’t score a lot. They also have the sixth-worst shooting percentage. They also create the most scoring chances per 60 minutes. Know where I got that? NaturalStatTrick.com. Finish is a skill, yes, but it’s impossible to ignore luck here.

If you’re ranking causes of death this season, Crawford’s injury is No. 1. Then comes the loss of Marian Hossa to a skin affliction. No. 3 is trading defenseman Niklas Hjalmarsson. Then the loss of Brandon Saad – or at least the loss of his ability to play hockey, which came at the cost of Artemi Panarin, with whom Patrick Kane won a scoring title.

Crow’s injury is numbers 1-10, but I won’t push it. Fair enough on Hossa. But Hammer? Really? Weren’t you just bitching three paragraphs ago that the Hawks didn’t move along a slowing, aging, stay-at-home d-man who sucks now and now you’re bitching they did move along a slowing, aging, stay-at-home d-man who sucks now for a younger, faster, cheaper model? I don’t think both of these things can be true.

Ok, Panarin’s gone. But Debrincat has 25 goals and he didn’t get any of the PP looks that Panarin did. Essentially, Panarin’s goals have been replaced. So your problem there is with Q, no? For making him a third liner for a good portion of the season and having a power play that is causing tooth decay throughout the land?

Crawford’s injury is not on Quenneville or Bowman. Ditto, Hossa. Hjalmarsson is Bowman’s fault, same as the Saad trade, although Saad gets a ton of blame, too, as do the core players with no-movement clauses.

Is this where I have to point out that Saad is basically the same player he’s been in terms of possession, attempts, and chances, and just none of them or going in? Or do I do that later? Or are you blaming him for not being a 35-goal guy which he has yet to be in the NHL? Tell me where that goes, I’m not sure.

You can blame Quenneville for the lousy power play, but look at the talent out there. I’d blame the big names, too.

Where’s the line for “You made Jordan Oesterle a PP QB or a quarter of the season?”

One knock on Quenneville is that he hates young players, something that goes back to Nick Leddy. But if he hated kids, how has Gustafsson gotten another chance after making the awful, series-deciding mistake in Game 7 against the Blues in 2016?

And look at Alex DeBrincat and Nick Schmaltz, youngsters showing they could play in the top six for years. Heck, DeBrincat looks like he’s threatening to become Kane 2.0.

Top Cat has spent most of the season being a third line RW when he’s a top six LW, so his scoring has been somewhat miraculous. It took 30 games to get Schmaltz into the middle over Artem “I Skate Like Something Died In My Pants” Anisimov. So while Q isn’t the dungeon master of young talent he’s portrayed by some, he’s also not the child-whisperer either. And Q didn’t want DeBrincat on the roster at all to start the year, by the by.

And Bowman gets credit for the drafting and development of that talent. This is how the game works. It’s tangled, the blame and the credit. And then there’s this question:

Who’s available and who’s better?

Tyler Dellow.

Quenneville trails only Scotty Bowman in all-time regular-season wins. Since the start of the 1997 playoffs, Quenneville is tied with Bowman with three Cups. Nobody has won more.

This always annoys me. With the shootout and overtime rules coaching wins are horribly inflated. Q would still be top ten but like, c’mon. What if Al Arbour never had ties?

Quenneville won those Cups with Stan Bowman, although both received help from Dale Tallon.

Who received help from Mike Smith, believe it or not.

So, you can fire Bowman or Quenneville, or both, and you could convince yourself you have legitimate reasons.

Seems like you just did for yourself.

But I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t fire either of them. Their resumes earn one more chance to return to Cup contention. I think the case to fire Bowman is stronger, but I’d give both a do-over.

Weren’t you just complaining that Seabrook and Keith and Toews got extensions because of resumes and not for what they would do in the future? On the nights the Hawks clearly don’t give a shit, I’m not sure they’re all that concerned with Q’s resume. Also, you just said Stan owes a portion of his resume to Tallon, and then torched the part that doesn’t for nearly 700 words.

Because here’s the hard truth: If Crawford doesn’t come back as Crawford next season, then this team is going nowhere and John McDonough might as well serve as President/GM/coach to save the organ-I-zation some cash.

Don’t think he won’t try.

 

 

 

 

 

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Game #74 – Can Someone Tell Me When Something Good Became So Bad – Hawks 1, Avalanche 5

By John Pullega 2003 0

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The last three minutes of this game were the most pathetic display of hockey I’ve seen from the Hawks all year. The Hawks are officially and mercifully out of playoff contention. To the bullets.

– Let’s get the worst part out of the way. The last two goals the Hawks gave up were the direct result of defensemen flat out giving up. First, Seabrook watched the puck roll into the net on the empty netter. He half-assed his way back toward the puck as it exited the Avs’s zone, and only started busting it when he realized it was going to go in. A guy with his lack of speed cannot half-ass his way back to anything. Whether the Hawks had any shot at coming back is irrelevant. That sort of lack of effort would get anyone else (e.g., Connor Murphy) benched, but since he managed the Hawks’s only goal, and he’s Brent Seabrook, he’ll be right back out there Thursday. Unless he was hurt from the Comeau hit, his effort was simply unacceptable, especially with the “A” on his sweater.

Then, Oesterle found himself strolling back on the last goal after jumping into the play on the offensive end, watching Kerfoot pot an uncontested shot while he trailed like an unwanted puppy. Of all the things the Hawks have done this year, the last three minutes of this game may have been the most embarrassing.

– The whole giving up at the end thing really tarnished what was an otherwise decent effort. The Hawks clobbered the Avs in possession, posting 65+ CF%s in the second and third but, as is wont to happen when they play Varlamov, they simply couldn’t find the net. With the game still in reach, the Hawks managed to hit a post and Landeskog’s stick before the puck squirted out of the blue paint. At least some things never change, and horsing the Avs in possession and still losing looks like it’ll always be that shitty totem we go back to.

– Patrick Kane put his entire ass into this game for the most part. He was flying around the ice and drew so much attention on the PP that Seabrook managed a half slapper all by himself for the Hawks’s only goal. And even though Varlamov stopped it, watching Kane wind up for a FUCK YOU slapshot in the third was kind of cathartic.

– Whatever offensive upside Gustafsson has is buried by his complete inability to do anything right on defense. His whiff on a clearing attempt in the blue paint in the second nearly cost the Hawks a goal. He took a completely unnecessary icing penalty in the first. Then, also in the first, after jumping in on the play and taking a shot, he failed to get back, leaving Seabrook all by himself on a 2 on 1. Oh, and he had the lowest Corsi for the Hawks tonight, with a 42+ at evens. The team rate was a 58+. Bravo.

– And Seabrook was right behind him. I get that this year is now officially lost, and so it’s time to experiment a bit. But there’s no doubt that Gustafsson and Seabrook absolutely cannot play together regularly. Gustafsson is too reckless and unaware, and Seabrook is too slow and apparently unmotivated to cover. If this is the second pairing next year, then Rocky’s going to have to get off his fat ass and make some phone calls.

– After clubbing the MacKinnon line in the first, Saad–Toews–Kane fell apart. Each ended below water in possession for the game, despite a strong performance against the MacKinnon line on the night. And Saad looked either nonplussed or uninterested for most of the night, especially on the Avs’s second goal. While MacKinnon’s patience was the key to that goal, watching Saad sort of float in the Royal Road while MacKinnon stick handled in anticipation for a lane surely didn’t inspire confidence. He, more than anyone, needs next year to be here.

The only thing to worry about over the rest of this year is preventing injuries and seeing what the younger guys can do. I’ll be keeping an eye on Schmaltz, Vinnie, Kampf, Top Cat, Saad (pray for Mojo), and Murphy.

Just eight more, then this nightmare is over.

Beer du Jour: Left Hand Milk Stout and Guinness

Line of the Night: “He has one of the longest sticks and he uses it so well.” –Peter McNab describing Alex DeBrincat, who, despite being named the Player of the Year by the Blackhawks, continues to play on the third line with Artem Fucking Anisimov and Tomas Motherfucking Jurco.

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Game #74 – Avalanche vs. Hawks Preview/ :

By Sam Fels 1952 0

 vs. 

RECORDS: Avalanche 39-25-8   Hawks 30-34-9

PUCK DROP: 7:30

TV: NBCSN Chicago

REAL MEN OUT OF SNOW: Mile High Hockey

The Hawks will get some say in the bottom of the Western Conference race, or in that they can decide who they’ll gift two points in that race on most nights and greatly anger someone somewhere. Sunday they blew three leads to keep St. Louis in it (we can only hope to set up a deeper heart-cutting for the last week in April when they play twice), and though Colorado holds the 1st wild card they’re only two points from dropping completely out of it. So the Hawks can play spoiler again, a role which they’ve been particularly shit at ever since it became their calling.

Not much has changed since the Avs were here just two weeks ago. Meaning they still have the best player on the planet in current form right now, so not much else matters with them because Nathan MacKinnon will make it all ok. Since he was last here, when the Hawks miraculously held him to just one goal, he’s poured in 11 points in six games. He’s four points off the scoring lead in the NHL even though he missed eight games. He leads the league in points per game at 1.39 and if he would have played a full 82 would’ve ended up somewhere around 114 points. Quite simply he’s been freakish, so if you’re headed to the UC tonight you’ll be treated to the sight of a player playing about as well as anyone has managed in years.

And because someone has to come along for the ride, Mikko Ratanen has 11 points in his last five games as his linemate. Ratanen does more than simply stand around and let Mac K bank the puck off of him into the net, and given his size and where he shoots from his 16.4% shooting percentage might be closer to the norm for his career than just a spike. The following years will tell, but the Avs might have a budding power forward on their hands if they can introduce him to a kettlebell this summer.

Adding to the roll for Denver is that Semyon Varlamov has gotten hot, letting in only six goals in his last five appearances. Between these two, the Avs really should lock up a playoff spot no one saw coming. Their schedule is somewhat kind to them from here on out as well. They get the Hawks twice, the fading Knights twice, the Flyers at home, and then a California swing that will probably tell the tale. Those Knights games ought to be interesting, as that very well might be the first round matchup and the Avs will have the pleasure of pilfering that outfit in their first real test. It basically will come down to the Avs have MacKinnon and the Knights don’t.

And then it gets scary, because if the Avs are slung out to the Pacific and can put the knife into the false gods of Vegas, there’s really no reason they can’t beat San Jose or LA or Anaheim or whatever other dreck is left out there. The Avs in the conference final? God help us and this league is a hell toilet. Anyway, pretty impressive for a team that was supposed to be at the beginning of a rebuild. But then I guess all it takes in this league is for your #1 line to freak the fuck off and there you are, along with goaltending. We did watch the Hawks the past two years, after all.

For the Hawks, Matthew Highmore dinged himself on Sunday and is out, so they’ve called up Andreas Martinsen who can’t do anything but will run around like a meth-head for a while and pick a stupid fight and Foley and Konroyd will slather themselves in Worcester sauce over it and “DATS WUT DIS TEAM HAS BEEN MISSING ALL SEASON MY FRENT!” bullshit that already has me kicking various wood furniture around the house. After JF Berube was given the chance to grab the brass ring of backup next year and let it and Patrik Berglund’s shot through him, Anton Forsberg will get another chance to shoot his confidence in the face with a bazooka tonight.

Yeah… I don’t know. Only seven of these left after this. Also, we’ll be recording the podcast during this one, so send in your questions on Twitter during the day if you have something you want to know or just hear us bitch about .

 

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Game #74 – Avalanche vs. Hawks Spotlight: For He Is BEDNAR!

By Sam Fels 1797 0

One of the things we lament most in the NHL is the lack of anyone trying something new behind the bench or in the GM’s office. It is the oldest of an Old Boys’ Network, and quite frankly holds the game back from new ideas and new styles. It’s almost as if they were managing The Score 670 as well. Of the seven coaches who were hired before this season, four had coached somewhere before. In Ken Hitchcock’s case, he had coached where he was hired before, Dallas. Of the three who hadn’t coached in the NHL before, Bob Boughner and Phil Housley are former players still “in the game.”

Jared Bednar was something of a left field hiring before last season. He never played in the NHL, and worked his way up behind the bench from the ECHL to the AHL to Denver. And after last year, it looked like it might go belly up pretty quickly for him. But then Bednar was given an utterly horrifying roster that not anyone could have done much with. Still, this is the Avs, this is Joe Sakic, and just about anything is possible there. Sakic will tell you he was rewarded for his patience (oddly enough, Sakic being another “Old Boy” hiring himself).

The thing is, it’s hard to tell if he’s doing that much more now.

Bendar has the Avalanche on the precipice of a playoff spot, which no one saw coming before the season. So on the surface, you’d have to say he’s doing a great job as the Avs are performing way above expectation, which is just about the only thing used to judge coaches, and that’s kind of in all sports. But the process the Avs are using to get there looks pretty damn spotty when put under any scrutiny.

The Avs are 27th in team CF%. They’re 29th in xGF%. They’re 27th in CA/60. And yet they’re 10th in xGA/60. So you could theorize, and even prove, that while they give up a ton of attempts and don’t have the puck a lot, they’re doing a decent enough job of making sure those attempts aren’t all that meaningful. They might not be creating much, but when you have Nathan MacKinnon doing this to the world and not feeling the least bit guilty about it, you don’t have to. Still, it’s not as if the Avs have invented some sort of sit-and-counter system. Their PDO is second-highest in the league, and assuredly would like the puck more than they do now.

There’s another rub. The Avs are where they are because MacKinnon has gone full Avenger and both Varlamov and Jonathan Bernier in net have been a touch above league-average all season. Is MacKinnon’s seasons merely something happening outside of Bednar? Has he tweaked his game in any way to cause this? Can it possibly be coaching when a player nearly triples his shooting-percentage from the previous year? Do we have any idea? Or we just throwing questions into the ether to sound intelligent? Does that sound like something we’d do?

Bednar was hired partly because of his work in the AHL with the Blue Jackets’s organization. The Lake Erie Monsters won the Calder Cup in ’16, and on that roster were Sonny Milano, Oliver Bjorkstrand, Zack Werenski, Michael Chaput, Lukas Sedlak, and Josh Anderson. All of those are NHL players, and in Werenski’s and Anderson’s case, plus ones. Certainly Bednar helped turn them into that. But also, Werenski was always going to shred the AHL playoffs, which he did only after seven regular season games. In AHL terms, that roster was stacked. Still, you can’t ask a coach to do more in the AHL than win a Calder Cup and move players onto the NHL roster. The Hawks would probably kill for a coach who could consistently do that in Rockford.

It doesn’t appear that the Avs are doing anything revolutionary in terms of style, and whatever it is only “works” because of MacKinnon. Certainly the development of Tyson Jost and Alex Kerfoot, as well as Girard, Kamenev, Makar, and others in the near future, is what Bednar will be judged on. All hockey fans should root for him and Dave Hakstol in Philly, as they are coaches who came from different routes than the normal. The more success they have the more like them are going to be hired, and maybe for once the NHL game can move forward.

 

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Game #74 – Avalanche vs. Hawks Q&A: We Don’t Know What It Is But We Know It’s Hairy And Pissed Off

By Sam Fels 1423 0

@Anthrax Jones is a truly scary individual. We asked him these questions and then ducked behind the couch. You should too. 

Nathan MacKinnon is on a 110-point pace, even though he missed a little time. Why has he become Asgardian this season?

We knew he had this in him, we saw it in the World Cup with the NAU23 team when he stood out over everybody on the roster, including Connor McDavid. Two days earlier this season may have been what evolved mild-mannered Nathan MacKinnon from “maybe we should’ve taken Barkov or Seth Jones” to “Indestructible Cyborg Nathan MacKinnon”: a late-October 7-0 loss to Vegas that saw him wheel and fight Brayden McNabb after a bad hit, and you could tell he was taking out his frustration from a slow start on McNabb. Second was when the Avs traded Eeyore to Ottawa and suddenly there was a vacuum at the top of the lineup, which happened a few days after the Vegas debacle. Part of me wonders if something in Duchene’s attitude was keeping MacKinnon from wanting to really take ownership of the team in a leadership capacity, but whatever it was, it seemed to lift after the trade.

Your Special Boy Mikko Rantanen is also a point-per-game. Tell us why he’s your Special Boy. 

He’s our Big Baby Deer. It’s remarkable that he’s had the season he’s had so far, because he’s one of the most awkward-looking players I’ve ever seen. He looks like a large horse that still hasn’t figured out its legs yet. It makes me hopeful that he still has another gear to get to when he does get himself coordinated. He’s a smart player who finds himself in the right places at the right times, he has murderous hands for a kid his size, and he benefits from playing with Cyborg 29 and Angry Hossa, Babe Landeskog.

Two kids in Alex Kerfoot and Tyson Jost are on the second line. How have their rookie seasons gone?

Kerfoot and Jost have inverted one another so far. Kerfoot started the season blazing hot, and has really cooled down since then, which is natural for a kid who isn’t used to playing this many games against adult men with Dad Strength, instead of physics majors at RPI. Jost started slow and battled injuries, but for the past month or so it looks like something is clicking with him. They’re both gonna be good NHLers, but I think their future roles are still undetermined.
 
Are the Avs done treating Tyson Barrie like a redheaded stepchild and accept he’s actually quite good and necessary?

If the Avs don’t, they better listen to their superstar player, who’s not only best friends with Barrie, but also shares a brain with him on the ice. Their chemistry is ridiculous, and it’s truly a symbiotic benefit where they both make each other better. I haven’t always been on board with the idea of Tyson Barrie as a long-term piece on this roster, especially once Cale Makar hits the NHL roster, but I think it would be a mistake to trade him this offseason.

They going to make the playoffs?

They shouldn’t, but they’re gonna, and it’s because the Central Division beyond Nashville and the Mole People in Winnipeg ranges from desperately mediocre to downright bad. I’d love to see a first round matchup between Colorado and Vegas so we can never pay attention to pre-season “expert picks” ever again, but also because I think Vegas is gonna get picked off by whoever they play in the first round. The Avs aren’t deep enough to beat a Nashville type team in the second round, but every great team has to experience that first tough loss sometime, and I think this is that season.

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Game #74 – Avalanche vs. Hawks Douchebag Du Jour: This Kroenke Twerp

By Sam Fels 2039 0

It’s hard to stand out as a dipshit billionaire, and especially one in the sports ownership world. And yet Stan Kroenke has done a magnificent job of it.

Kroenke has pulled the neat trick of the money he used to acquire his vast sports empire basically not being his. He married Ann Walton, a Wal-Mart heiress. So while Kroenke had gotten wealthy through real estate deals–which we’re sure were in no way shady–he married into it.

“So you married into it?”

And the amount of time the Kroenke media outlets try and let everyone know he was rich before marriage lets you know exactly what was going on here. Fuck, all his land deals went boom because he stuck a fucking Wal-Mart in the middle of his malls. How fucking American.

Kroenke is the dope who moved the Rams out to Los Angeles because St. Louis wouldn’t build him a new stadium, even though the dome the Rams played in there was barely 20 years old. He cried and cried that as a native Missourian this was heartbreaking for him, even though he tried to rob the state and city blind. Kroenke desperately wanted to be among the LA glitterati, and we’re sure playing in the shithole Coliseum for another three years will get him there, especially after Jared Goff turns back into a pumpkin.

We should mention that according to NFL rules, control of the Nuggets and Avs is actually in the hands of his son Josh, because you’re not allowed to own other teams if you’re an NFL owner for some reason. If that sounds shady to you, we won’t disabuse you of that feeling.

We should thank Kroenke though, because it’s his stewardship of Arsenal FC that has them firmly stuck in the Mississippi mud. Kroenke is the one who won’t fire manager Arsene Wenger, whose methods were out of date five years ago. So hey, it’s not all bad.

But look at this dipshit. Could he look like he’s some stiff who somehow married into a pile of money more? He looks like the villain in a terrible Western, and not the gun-slinging kind but like a serious Headley Lamar who just wants to build the railroad through town. Not that any sports owners are exceptionally handsome men, but at least look like you have a spine and didn’t get rich by just saying, “Yes, dear” a lot.

 

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Pat Foley, Please Do Your Job

By Sam Fels 4693 0

Being a Hawks fan this season hasn’t been pleasurable. We all know that. Even the most cynical amongst us before the season never saw this coming, though there was no way to see that Corey Crawford would miss over half of it. No matter how well the Hawks play for the past couple months, they’re just a bad goal away from everything going to shit. And that bad goal is always arriving. And sometimes they don’t play well and they get steamrolled. Vets haven’t performed, or have gotten old, or both. We get it. It’s been a slog. Tuning in sometimes feels like a chore, and that’s if you’re still bothering.

If you are, what you’ll find is a broadcast that’s making it even worse.

As we always say, writing this king of thing is a knife to the heart for us. Pat Foley is the soundtrack to a good portion of our childhoods, and his calls of some iconic Hawks moments last with me forever. But that doesn’t change the fact that he’s turned most of these games into a funeral dirge, and quite frankly that’s not what the job is.

For the past few months, you can hear the laments out of Foley’s voice several times per game. And hey, part of the job is calling out mistakes and bad plays. We don’t want a cheerleader either. But it’s gone way beyond that. It’s as if the entire team offends Foley’s sensibilities and is beneath him, which doesn’t make the viewing experience any better. Which has only led to longing for more neanderthalic aspects, like hit stats or fighting. If it’s beneath you, Pat, then why are we here? Are you above us, too?

Granted, Foley and Olczyk always cited hit stats when the Hawks were good, but it’s insulting to the audience because we know at this point that the Hawks don’t require “MOAR HITZ” to be good again. They never did in the past. And whether Foley likes it or not fighting is making its way out of the game in a natural progression, and the way the NHL is tripping over its own dick in this concussion lawsuit you might see that accelerated soon.

The whole air of the broadcast makes it feel like it’s a waste of his, and in turn our, time. And Adam Burish threatening to punch Brandon Saad in practice isn’t helping (hey Adam, whatever happened to that time you said you’d fight Chris Pronger? You’re still living, so you must’ve found a way out of that one). Yes, the Hawks make a lot of turnovers and mistakes and don’t get saves they need. That’s the hallmark of a bad team.

But being a professional means you’re supposed to cover this game in the same fashion you covered Game 5 against St. Louis in ’14. That’s the job. If you need inspiration, look no farther than your friend Len Kasper. Kasper called five years of utterly dogshit Cubs baseball between ’10-’14, not to mention the pretty terrible 2006 as well. And that’s every goddamn day, not just two or three times a week. And Kasper’s calls don’t sound any different from those to today when the Cubs are one of baseball’s leading lights.

We don’t need another Hawk Harrelson, as we’re on the verge of gloriously getting rid of the one we already do have. Listen to Jason Bennetti who has only had really bad Sox teams to comment on, and tell me he isn’t doing a marvelous job.

We’ve been down this road before, of course. Foley was a leading voice as the Hawks became irrelevant due to simple indifference and incompetence. He wasn’t hesitant to point out the problems. It got him fired. But that was under an ownership group that didn’t care and wasn’t trying. The Hawks didn’t foist this on us on purpose. A lot of things went wrong. And while I’ve said a lot about the Hawks’ organization, I would never accuse them of not caring what the product is on the ice. This is not the Old Man’s Era and shouldn’t be treated as such.

Sure, it’s deflating to have nine years of covering good teams with games that mattered to a team running out the clock for three months. It’s frustrating to see the same mistakes over and over. It’s probably hard to not have a close friend in the booth with you most nights due to health troubles and have the blank gape of Steve Konroyd. But that’s the job. That’s why they pay you.

Let us lament what’s gone with this team in our spare time. Hey, I don’t want to be in Buffalo on a Saturday afternoon watching two bad team scrap at shit like the rhino pen at feeding time. But I’m not being paid to present it like I should be. All we ask is that you sound like you want to be there. That would seem to be the minimum requirement of a broadcast job.