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Game #74 – Avalanche vs. Hawks Douchebag Du Jour: This Kroenke Twerp

It’s hard to stand out as a dipshit billionaire, and especially one in the sports ownership world. And yet Stan Kroenke has done a magnificent job of it.

Kroenke has pulled the neat trick of the money he used to acquire his vast sports empire basically not being his. He married Ann Walton, a Wal-Mart heiress. So while Kroenke had gotten wealthy through real estate deals–which we’re sure were in no way shady–he married into it.

“So you married into it?”

And the amount of time the Kroenke media outlets try and let everyone know he was rich before marriage lets you know exactly what was going on here. Fuck, all his land deals went boom because he stuck a fucking Wal-Mart in the middle of his malls. How fucking American.

Kroenke is the dope who moved the Rams out to Los Angeles because St. Louis wouldn’t build him a new stadium, even though the dome the Rams played in there was barely 20 years old. He cried and cried that as a native Missourian this was heartbreaking for him, even though he tried to rob the state and city blind. Kroenke desperately wanted to be among the LA glitterati, and we’re sure playing in the shithole Coliseum for another three years will get him there, especially after Jared Goff turns back into a pumpkin.

We should mention that according to NFL rules, control of the Nuggets and Avs is actually in the hands of his son Josh, because you’re not allowed to own other teams if you’re an NFL owner for some reason. If that sounds shady to you, we won’t disabuse you of that feeling.

We should thank Kroenke though, because it’s his stewardship of Arsenal FC that has them firmly stuck in the Mississippi mud. Kroenke is the one who won’t fire manager Arsene Wenger, whose methods were out of date five years ago. So hey, it’s not all bad.

But look at this dipshit. Could he look like he’s some stiff who somehow married into a pile of money more? He looks like the villain in a terrible Western, and not the gun-slinging kind but like a serious Headley Lamar who just wants to build the railroad through town. Not that any sports owners are exceptionally handsome men, but at least look like you have a spine and didn’t get rich by just saying, “Yes, dear” a lot.

 

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