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Game #35 – Hawks vs. Devils: Douchebag Du Jour – The Very Place Itself

When the Nets decamped for Brooklyn, it left the Devils as the only team that calls New Jersey home. And one wonders why we even allowed that to happen.

As said by greater orators and philosophers than me, if you were to give America an enema, New Jersey is where the tube would go. There must be some way to fence this place off and raise the IQ of the whole country by 5-10%. New Jersey is either annoying, gross, and overly expensive suburbs of New York where all the hipsters flee when they can’t afford Brooklyn anymore, or Philly suburbs, and in the middle in a fucking turnpike. If you go east of that turnpike you have a shoreline that quite simply has cultivated the dumbest and most disgusting people we have produced in a lab. These are people who most certainly don’t remove the gum from their mouth before going down on each other. Just kidding, you’ll never get a guy from New Jersey to go down on anyone. And yet we somehow glorified this place in its own show and now everyone wants to be these people.

New Jersey is where Trump fucked up a casino, which has to be impossible to do. We still get weepy bullshit about what Atlantic City used to be, to the point where I’m convinced it was always a shithole and it’s “glory days” were just some mass delusion perpetrated on us by self-important East Coasters. Which is fucking redundant.

Oh yeah, and let’s not forget that New Jersey, and specifically northing Jersey, is what sprung the plague of Bruce Springsteen and Bon Jovi on us. If “The Boss” had hailed from Ohio he might, MIGHT, have had John Mellancamp’s career. Maybe. Instead, because he came from a place where everyone wants to proclaim they’re more “real” than the rest of the country, we get 30 years of bullshit working class anthems that don’t make any goddamn sense but cause sportwriters to have their knees turn into butter. Yeah, the labor class got fucked over in New Jersey. It did everywhere else too, dipshit. Maybe help send them back to school instead of lamenting progress. And what the fuck were you doing in Nebraska? You’re not Neil Young and get the thought out of your damn head. Fuck Springsteen.

And don’t even get me started on Bon Jovi, who have caused the worst people in whatever bar you’re into sing an awful song at the top of their lungs for 30 goddamn years now. My favorite Bon Jovi song is the one where he gets his head blown off in Young Guns 2.

Of course, the place inspired The Sopranos, unquestionably a great show. As long as you keep in mind it’s about a bunch of fat, white, racist, misogynist, lazy middle aged men who didn’t want to work for a living, or lift anything heavier than 12 oz’s, so they mooched and stole off people who actually did work for a living. Boy if that’s not a metaphor for the whole fucking country I don’t know what is.

And it also gave us Chris Christie, the beached orca who even Trump thought was a fucking moron and Jerry Jones is afraid to get too close to. What a charmer.

The best way to see New Jersey is in your rearview mirror. It’s Florida, just with worse weather and more hair product and none of the models.

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