Everything Else

The Doll’s Trying to Kill Me and the Toaster’s Been Laughing at Me – FFUD’s ’18-19 Player Reviews – Brendan Perlini

By Rose Rankin 1908 0

We made it through the defense, everyone. I know, it wasn’t pretty, but we did it. Now onto the forwards where the situation is…better? It’s better, right? Yes, it couldn’t be worse than the defense, so yes.

When Brendan Perlini and Dylan Strome came over in the Schmaltz trade, Perlini was actually the more known quantity and Strome was the question mark who hadn’t really realized his potential. That’s not how the narrative played out once they got here, though, as Strome found his groove and ended up being one of the Hawks’ best players (and a rare pleasant surprise in a season of mostly unpleasant ones). Perlini, on the other hand, was a bit of an enigma with the Hawks, having one burst of scoring and playing decently on the second line, sandwiched by benchings and periodic irrelevance. Let’s dig in:

(With the Hawks): 46 GP – 12 G – 3 A – 15 P

45.4 CF% – 40.4 xGF% [5v5]

It Comes With a Free Frogurt!

Brendan Perlini had basically one really good week. OK, that’s not entirely fair, it was like two really good weeks. Between March 2nd and March 16th, he scored eight goals in seven games, including his first-ever hat trick against his erstwhile team, the Coyotes. And all of that was extremely fun and when you’re scoring, everything is great.

Aside from that stretch, Perlini was a serviceable linemate for Strome and Top Cat on the second line. As a line, their possession at 5-on-5 wasn’t exactly stellar, especially considering that these guys weren’t taking dungeon shifts (49.5 CF% with 68% oZS). Still, he was able to be in the right places at mostly the right times and proved he can play well when on a line with other good players…I know, what an accomplishment, right? But this is where we’re at, and we’ll take it. His shooting percentage jumped from a sickly 5% with Arizona in the first part of the season to 15.6 with the Hawks, showing that Perlini can be effective given the right tools to work with.

The Frogurt is Also Cursed

Perlini seems like kind of a character, and to me that’s not a bad thing. The dull facelessness of hockey players, which is an all-too-common occurrence when the majority of your athlete population consists of rural Canadian white kids with a seventh-grade education, is irritating and tiresome. So I’m cool with players actually speaking their minds and having a personality, and so much the better when they have perspective on life and playing a professional sport. However, it seems that Perlini’s outlook may just be fucking with his give-a-shit meter, which hovered dangerously low at times this season for a guy still proving he’s a top-six player.

If you’re Patrick Kane and you’re being lazy and it leads to a dumb turnover, you’re going to get away with it. If you’re Brendan Perlini, clearly you won’t, as his benching and scratching shortly after his scoring streak showed. He was particularly lazy against the Sharks in March when the Hawks ostensibly were still shooting for a playoff spot, and Beto O’Colliton stapled his ass to the bench and then made him sit in the corner and think about what he did for a little while.

Now, was that totally deserved? Eh, maybe Colliton was making sort of an example of him, but again, you’re Brendan fucking Perlini, you better act like a try-hard. None of his numbers—possession, scoring, high-danger chances, nor that shooting percentage—were good enough to justify him not at least trying his damndest to win puck battles consistently. This team is also slow, so as a younger guy on the second line, he needs to bust his ass to push the play, and besides, Dylan Strome isn’t fast either so it’s really not asking all that much effort-wise.

Can I Go Now?

Perlini deserves another chance next season, and even if he doesn’t stay with Strome and DeBrincat he can probably be a decent bottom-sixer. Let’s say he ends up being “a guy”…at least he’s a 22-year-old guy and not Artem Anisimov, an older and even slower guy. He’ll also be a cheap signing, maybe around 1 mildo or so. And who knows, maybe he’ll do some peyote in the desert or something and have a revelation about working his ass off.

Previous Player Reviews

Corey Crawford

Cam Ward

Collin Delia

Duncan Keith

Connor Murphy

Henri Jokiharju

Gustav Forsling

Erik Gustafsson

Carl Dahlstrom

Everything Else

The Doll’s Trying to Kill Me and The Toaster’s Been Laughing at Me – FFUD’s ’18-19 Player Reviews – Connor Murphy

By Rose Rankin 1798 0

What to make of our Large Irish Son? In some ways he was the Hawks’ best defenseman this year and basically was the only one trusted with the dungeon shifts (yes he had Dahlstrom with him, but Dahlstrom was only there because Murphy was with him). On the other hand, if you’re the best out of a piss-poor group that features the likes of Slater Koekkoek and Brandon fucking Manning for large portions of the season, what does that really say about you? We’ve tried before to parse out who Connor Murphy really is, and we’re nothing if not stubbornly repetitive around here! What’s that saying about the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again yet expecting a different result? Let’s just get to it:

52 GP – 5 G – 8 A – 13 P

48.6 CF% – 29.8 xGF% [5v5]

It Comes With a Free Frogurt

Connor Murphy was not terrible. I realize that doesn’t seem like the most ringing endorsement, but again we’re evaluating a defense among the dregs of the league. Murphy’s numbers won’t blow your skirt up (at least not mine, anyway), but he and Carl Dahlstrom acted as the closest thing to a shutdown pairing the Hawks could muster. He took 61% of his starts in the defensive zone, so while his possession numbers may seem disappointing, we have to keep in mind where he was going to work most shifts. Among all defensemen with a minimum 600 minutes, Murphy is fifth for fewest offensive zone starts (35.2% at 5v5), so that’s gotta count for something.

When it came to the eye test, Murphy generally passed. We had Gustav Forsling constantly out of position or just skating in circles somewhere, we had Nachos just falling down, whereas Murphy was typically where he needed to be and at the very least was upright (this is what we’re going with, folks). He had a habit of taking dumb penalties, but again if you consider how much he played in his own end, they’re a little less maddening.

And, his xGA ws 37.2 at 5-on-5, ranking him 70th in, again, defensemen with at least 600 minutes played. That may sound shitty, but there are literally 120 guys with a higher expected goals against (oh, and guess who are the second- and third-worst on that list? Duncan Keith and Erik Gustafsson, and they certainly weren’t taking as many defensive zone shifts).

The Frogurt is Also Cursed

OK, so like I said, not terrible. But is Connor Murphy truly good? That’s never been clear and this past season did nothing to help. His takeaways to giveaways was a career-worst 14-to-48, and that was playing about 25 fewer games than his historical average, such as it is in his young career, since he missed the first couple months of the season.

Oh, and about that—the Hawks suddenly announced right before training camp that oh, whoops, Connor Murphy will be out eight weeks with a back injury. As anyone over the age of 29 knows, back problems don’t get better with time, and they’re as unpredictable as they are debilitating. Not what you want to have happen to one of your most valuable defensemen who also happens to be a large human with a lot of muscle weight resting on that spine.

Even if he stays healthy, Murphy still needs a decent partner so we can see if he really can hold his own against top competition or if he’s just been the least bad option the Hawks have had. Carl Dahlstrom is basically the definition of “a guy”—a seventh defenseman or maybe a bottom-pairing bum slayer. Murphy needs someone else, someone more competent and preferable with better speed, and at that point we’ll all be out of caveats and excuses and we can finally figure out what they have in him. That is, if he’s not having back surgery by age 27.

Previous Player Reviews

Corey Crawford

Cam Ward

Collin Delia

Duncan Keith

Everything Else

The Doll’s Trying to Kill Me and the Toaster’s Been Laughing At Me – FFUD’s ’18-19 Player Reviews – Duncan Keith

By Rose Rankin 2063 0

It’s time now to move to reviewing the defense…I know, I know, I don’t want to remember either…

I honestly don’t know if Duncan Keith has morphed into a crotchety old man or a petulant toddler. Come to think of it, there’s a lot of similarities between the two so maybe either metaphor applies. Regardless, if there is one thing we learned about Duncan Keith it’s that when he doesn’t give a fuck he DOESN’T GIVE A FUCK. He should adjust his game to account for his decreasing speed as the game itself gets faster? DOESN’T GIVE A FUCK. He should make a concerted effort in a new defensive scheme that may not be totally in his wheelhouse but that’s how the coach wants it? DOESN’T GIVE A FUCK. Duncan Keith will do whatever he damn well pleases no matter how many bad turnovers it leads to. Let’s get to it:

28 GP – 6 G – 34 A – 40 P

49.7 CF% –46.4 xGF% [5v5]

It Comes with a Free Frogurt

Duncan Keith is not terrible and he wasn’t even close to being the worst defenseman on this team, let’s just get that out there right now. Did you even realize he had six goals this year? I, for one, did not. Looking up that stat was a surprise to me. But what matters more is that despite all the bullshit Keith managed a 50 CF% at evens (all situations), which isn’t too far off his average the last few years. Notably, that number jumps to a 53.8 CF% when he was paired with Henri Jokiharju, and HarJu’s CF% was actually higher without Keith so while that sounds concerning, i.e., Keith is dragging guys down, it actually suggests a workable way forward for an aging defenseman with a spiky attitude.

Pair Keith with someone faster who can get to the corners in ways he no longer can, and have the elder statesman act as more the free safety. His zone starts were quite sheltered again this year (58 oZS%), so keep that up and the decline can be managed. It’s probably pretty obvious that I think Keith and Jokiharju should be a package deal because I still think it’s awfully stupid to NOT have Jokiharju here when the blue line is so rancid, but even if it’s not HarJu the team can and should position Keith to use what he has left to contribute as best he can. That’s assuming Keith goes along with the plan, which is the real issue.

The Frogurt is Also Cursed

Basically the question is not CAN Keith play adequately, it’s IF he will choose to do so. Part of this is of course influenced by what the coach does, and for shits and giggles we’ll stick with it being Coach Cool Youth Pastor since by all indications he’ll be behind the bench for the foreseeable future. If Colliton does dumb shit like pair IDGAF Keith with I-Can’t-Skate-Upright Seabrook, we’re going to have a problem. For comparison, Keith and Nachos has an xGA of 20.8 at evens…that number was 17.2 when Keith was paired with Jokiharju, despite Keith having similar ice time with both. Again, this doesn’t mean that Jokiharju is the answer to everything that ails Keith, but it illustrates the point that Seabrook is still not the answer when it comes to who his partner should be.

Pairing him with Gustafsson shouldn’t really be a viable plan either—Gus just isn’t good enough defensively, so even if you give them all the offensive zone starts possible, the risk of what happens once the puck gets past the offensive blue line is terrifying. Who else is there? Forsling? Bitch please, he needs to be fired into the sun. Dahlstrom? Almost the same. Murphy? Not if Our Large Irish Son is staying with the dungeon shifts, for all the reasons we just described about Keith.

But you know all about the personnel problems…Keith needs someone who can be a complementary partner, we get it. At the end of the day, though, whether he gets a complementary partner or is stuck with the jamokes on this current roster, Keith is going to have to either 1) agree to play Colliton’s man-to-man system, should he choose to stick with it, or 2) at least raise his give-a-shit meter to about 7.5 regardless of what system he (Keith) decides he’s going to play on a given night.

We saw Duncan Keith make more lazy, careless plays this year than I can ever remember—bad turnovers that weren’t lack of skill, but lack of caring what happened. He called out his coach after the Hawks fumbled basically their last chances at squeaking into the playoffs, and while that is part of why we love him, you can see from an organizational standpoint how that’s a problem. Yes, he kinda sorta backtracked and said he wanted to be a part of whatever renaissance the Hawks may be attempting, but it’s hard to know if he really meant that or was just covering his ass with the front office.

What was clear was that Keith didn’t care to make the level of effort that is and will continue to be needed with a defense this crappy. He doesn’t have to become some media-friendly talking head; that’s not who he is or who should try to be. But he will have to contribute night in and night out both to make his remaining skills worthwhile, and hopefully to develop some of the green defensemen the system is so full of right now.

If he can’t or won’t, then the Hawks have to look at trading him while his contract still isn’t a Seabrook-level albatross for another team. And while that may make sense from a business standpoint, it would suck goat balls for the rest of us who want to see him age gracefully because we know, we could never have done any of this without him.

Preview Player Reviews

Corey Crawford

Cam Ward

Collin Delia

Everything Else

The Doll’s Trying to Kill Me and the Toaster’s Been Laughing at Me – FFUD ’18-19 Player Reviews – Corey Crawford

By Rose Rankin 1983 0

I know we’re all trying to move on from the extended fart sound that was the Hawks’ ’18-19 season, but at FFUD we revel in our misery and the pointlessness of it all, so we’re going to give you our year-end player reviews in all their sadness and glory. And who better to start with than the man, the myth, the legend, Corey Crawford?

39 GP – .908 SV% — 2.93 GAA

.913 SV% at evens – .880 SV% on the PK

Oh Corey Crawford, the linchpin of this team, steeped in drama nearly all year making not one but two comebacks, and proving he’s still among the elite in this league. There were rocky times and a definitive drop in quality for a while, and after the second concussion it was legitimately debated if he could or should come back at all—I openly advocated that he should not, for the record. And yet he proved his worth time and time again and now there are still more questions than answers. Let’s dig in:

It Comes with a Free Frogurt

It is beyond a shadow of a doubt at this point that Crawford is the most important player on the team and that he’s basically a complete badass for all the shit he’s put up with on and off the ice. Remember how at the beginning of the season the organ-I-zation declared him ready to play, which was news to everyone, including to Crawford himself? It seemed like the perfect set-up for Bowman to throw him under the bus in short order. And then when he did come back in mid-October, he wasn’t exactly the Crawford of old, throwing out a .901 SV% and 3.27 GAA at evens in 23 games. On the penalty kill he was a woeful .895.

Yet he was dealing with The Defense From Hell and still managed to have some gems as he got back into form after not playing for 10 fucking months. For example, by mid-November he got his first shutout against the Blues (who admittedly sucked a lot more then than later in the season). Crow stopped 39 of 40 shots against the Wild a couple days later, and played extremely well against a blisteringly fast Flames team, all the while facing anywhere from 30-40 shots nearly every night.

You all know about the second concussion thanks to perennial shithead Evander Kane. What matters for our purposes is how Crawford ignored the (rather logical) calls for him to hang it up, worked his way back, and finished the season better than his first go-round. He put up a .932 SV% and 1.98 GAA at evens over his last 16 games. He also got his only other shutout of the season against Montreal in an effort that deserves every cheesy sportswriting superlative you want to throw at it (perhaps “flawless,” “sparkling,” “textbook,” I can go on here).

Even when the Hawks were in the process of shitting the bed and falling out of the wild card race, it was rarely on Crow’s shoulders. And that includes when he was literally shitting his pants and had to be replaced against the Leafs in the middle of March. Crawford silenced all the doubters (including your truly) about his capabilities in net, his near super-human ability to work his way back from serious injury, and his penchant for competing up until the absolute final whistle.

The Frogurt is Also Cursed

But that doesn’t mean that the injuries haven’t taken a toll—it just means that Crawford is forging ahead as IF they haven’t but that’s not necessarily reality. The Hawks can and should give him the benefit of every doubt and act under the assumption that he’ll start next year and pick things up where he left them, with that .932, not the early-season wobbles. No matter what, though, he needs to address his PK performance (as does the whole team, obviously), and aim for consistency that goes longer than the stretch at the end of this past season.

But, his history of concussions can never be far from the conversation because no one knows what the longer-term ramifications are or what decision he may be forced to take should he sustain another one. On top of that, Crawford pulled a groin muscle in his last game, which isn’t terrifying in and of itself, especially with an entire offseason to heal, but it’s indicative of what happens to everyone in their mid-30s, and particularly to NHL goalies.

Crawford’s contract is up after the 2019-20 season as well, throwing yet another question into the mix. If he doesn’t play well, should they trade him before the deadline and try to get something, anything for him? If he’s playing lights out will he accept a short extension for a couple years since that’s the only wise move the Hawks could make long-term? Can they develop a viable replacement, Collin “Superfluous L” Delia or otherwise, while Crow still takes the majority of the starts? (OK, that was three questions not one but YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT.)

All of this is to say that next season very well may be Corey Crawford’s last season as a Blackhawk, for any number of reasons. It makes the imperative for the team to get good NOW that much stronger since it’s impossible to say what the endgame looks like, or if it even would be an endgame next season.

If there were any justice in this world, Crawford would have a Vezina-worthy 2019-2020 season and ride off into the proverbial sunset with at least a conference championship, if not one more Cup to his name. But there is no justice here, so we’ll have to hope he stays healthy, plays at his highest level, and that the Hawks don’t totally fuck up the roster.

Everything Else

They Want to Look at Etchings

By Rose Rankin 1600 0

By now you all know about the stir caused by Tim Anderson’s emphatic bat flip following a home run against the Royals, and how he was summarily drilled by a pitch in retaliation, which led to the benches clearing and general consternation over the fact that celebrating in baseball is such a hot-button issue that a gesture after the game’s most heralded outcome of an at-bat results in dangerous physical retribution.

A lot of people have rightly observed the stupidity of baseball’s general anti-celebration stance and pointed out it’s sometimes driven by the players themselves, not just crusty league management guys and shitheads like Joe West. But we need to remember that baseball isn’t the only Buzz Killington in the sports world, when in reality there’s a depressingly large number of them.

Take hockey. Mark Lazarus tweeted yesterday about how pretty much every goal in hockey is celebrated with leaps into the glass and music and hugs, and that’s of course true—the visceral release after a goal is one of hockey’s most endearing qualities. But let’s not forget the opprobrium heaped on the Carolina Hurricanes earlier this year by established voices in the hockey world.

Of course the most obvious of these was Don Cherry. First, the fact that Don Cherry even has a job yelling into the TV when he should be yelling at traffic somewhere is absurd, but then throw in how stupid his beef with the ‘Canes was and it’s truly something to behold. The horror! A team whose job it is to physically move together in sync decided to do a different type of movement together in sync that also happened to be clever and entertaining—whatever shall we do? The NHL was rightly criticized for emphasizing faceless monotony among players as the standard of behavior, and the fact that the celebrations even caused a fuss was pretty damn sad. It threw into clear relief how much entertainment could really be getting lost because of outdated norms of behavior.

Remember when football pulled a similar stunt? Not only is excessive celebration still a thing, but it wasn’t all that long ago that group celebrations were banned outright (really, it was 2017 when they lightened up about it). There was a time when a cell phone incorporated into a touchdown celebration led to a penalty. And think of how much more fun it is now that teams can do Motown routines and conduct an orchestra?

Basketball has been better about accommodating personality in its players and acceptance of those players celebrating what they do on the court. But the NBA is basically the exception, not the rule in major American sports in this sense.

Why do leagues hate fun so much? Or, why do they tolerate certain types of fun but not others? It seems like an extension of the behavior that makes team sports function, i.e., subsuming the individual to work together in a complementary way as a whole. When someone breaks out of that systems they run the risk of upsetting the functioning of multiple personalities together, by leading to one person not playing their role or not executing on their tasks. So I guess it’s not all that surprising that even some of the athletes within these systems would want to reinforce the behavior that is fundamental to overall success.

But it’s doubtful that this contradiction is going away, and both the management of the leagues, in all of their incestuousness in terms of the same coaches/GMs/former players that borders on that of the Lannisters or Targareyns, and current players will need to recognize it. The celebrity nature of athletes isn’t going away either, certainly not in our culture right now, so the behaviors that heighten the entertainment factor and play upon the existence of outsize personalities might as well be embraced. It’s not that every player has to act that way or celebrate wildly, but for those who do, at the end of the day sports are entertainment and that’s what this is all about. The drama of competition, and the collective experience of being a fan with countless others focused on a shared goal are part of it too, but the theatrics can’t be discounted. It’s why the amazing feats that athletes can pull off—which us normies can’t even really understand how different that capability is—are cheered by spectators in the first place.

Someone should remind the rich white guys who run these leagues that they can get even richer by allowing those theatrics, and players who may resent it need to examine why they’re so mad anyway. Let’s all agree so we can stop the teeth-gnashing every time something funny or entertaining happens and all the Buzz Killingtons come out of the woodwork.

Everything Else

You Were So In, With The Out Crowd – Playoff Previews: Lightning-Blue Jackets Series

By Rose Rankin 1629 0

vs.

SCHEDULE: Game 1 Wednesday 6pm, Game 2 Friday 6pm, Game 3 Sunday 6pm, Game 4 April 16th 6pm

This is what happens when you’re the best—you get the first-round match-up that should be a breeze. There are of course reasons why it may not be a total incineration, but not only are the Lightning far and away the best team in the league, they’ve also been particularly adept at fucking with the Blue Jackets. I think we all know how this ends, but for the sake of argument, let’s take a closer look:

Goalies: It’s strange to start off saying Sergei Bobrovsky isn’t the better goalie in a match-up, but here we are. And in fact that’s not totally fair—Bob is still plenty good and is the most important player on the team (Panarin devotees, calm down). Aside from the loss to Boston a few days ago, he hasn’t had a game with a save percentage below .920 since mid-March, and he went 7-1 the last two weeks including throwing three shutouts. But those weren’t against the Ning. In fact, two came against non-playoff teams.

The issue isn’t just if Bobrovsky is talented enough to handle the Lightning’s obscene scoring ability—he could definitely make a run at that in a vacuum—but it’s whether he can do so despite getting rattled by this team this year and also if he can do so in the playoffs, where he’s typically struggled. Maybe if it were a more suspect goalie on the other side of the ice one would say yes, but Andrei Vasilevskiy is not suspect. Not only is his playoff record stronger (.919 SV%, 2.68 GAA vs. Bob’s .891 and 3.49), but he’s been outstanding his last couple games to boot (2-0, .944 SV% in April) without any of the drama that Bob & Co. have been dealing with to make it into the playoffs. Throw in the fact that getting pulled against Tampa back in January led to a tantrum from Bob and some resulting scratches, and it doesn’t bode well for Columbus. Yes, Bobrovsky can always steal a game and certainly gives you a chance on any given night, but with Vasilevskiy in goal there’s not much room for error.

Defense: The big news for the Lightning is that Victor Hedman is practicing, but if he’ll play or what level of brown brain he may have are still open questions. None of their other defensemen’s possession numbers are going to blow you away, and it’s been known all season that their defense isn’t otherworldly, but it doesn’t have to be thanks to the fact that their offense is. Remember, this team is actually playing Jan Rutta right now so that should tell you something.

But are the Jackets really any better? They give up fewer shots per game, and their PK is tied with the Lightning for best in the league (85%). So there’s certainly a case to be made, but it’s the quality of the offense they’re facing that’s going to make the difference. Can Zach Werenski and Seth Jones really handle either of the top two Tampa lines? You’d be forgiven for being skeptical. In their three games this season, no one could. The Jackets gave up 17 goals to the Lightning and it’s not like Tampa’s gotten worse over that time.

Forwards: Here’s where the Lightning are at their most ridiculous. You already know—the speed, the scoring ability, Kucherov with 128 points, Stamkos and Point with 98 and 92, respectively, yada yada yada. They’re fucking good. But what about so many Hawks fans’ wet dream, Artemi Panarin, with his 87 points? Sure, fine, whatever, but the Jackets just don’t have the scoring depth the Lightning have. No one does. The top line of Panarin, Cam Atkinson and Pierre-Luc Dubois are no bums or anything, and their numbers bear that out just fine (55 CF%, 57 GF%, 55.8 HDCF%), but there’s just not enough beyond them.

Matt Duchene and Ryan Dzingel have done basically jack shit since coming to Columbus, and sure, Oliver Bjorkstrand is on a streak right now with goals in nine of his last 10 games and a total of 23, but if that top line on the Jackets is shut down, they don’t have anyone to answer with. And once the record gets really lopsided and Panarin and Bob start thinking about that Florida sunshine and lack of income tax, their give-a-shit meters might just float away with their thoughts.

Prediction: I’m going to be very generous here and say that Bob steals one for the Jackets. Maybe Hedman can’t go, maybe the Lightning defense shits the bed a little too much, and maybe Panarin’s line has a big night. But they won’t get much more than one, so they better enjoy it. Lightning in 5.

Everything Else

Game #81 – Stars 1, Hawks 6 – But When We Get to the End, Well He Wants to Start All Over Again

By Rose Rankin 1652 0

Don’t get me wrong, it’s more fun to watch the Hawks win than to watch them lose, but while these last two games may be some point of pride for the players, it’s in a way even more frustrating to see them beat better teams when it no longer matters. If they just got their ass kicked we could shrug and say yeah, this is where we’re at. Maybe it would help their draft position in some small way. But when they manage to do something like score five on a really hot goalie while only giving up one, it rubs salt in the wound remembering how they couldn’t do this in the key moments when it mattered. Fuck it all, let’s do the bullets:

Box Score

Natural Stat Trick

– Tonight was really a showcase in not-giving-a-shit, in many different ways. But how could that be, you wonder? The Hawks scored five goals…how could they not give a shit? Well, when the first period ended neither team had shots in double-digits. Both teams were playing, shall we say, leisurely, and even the refs didn’t give a shit enough to call a penalty shot on a clear take-down of Gustafsson on a break-away. You would think the Stars would have wanted to make at least a half-assed effort, but with a couple notable exceptions like John Klingberg robbing Alex DeBrincat (legally) on yet another breakaway, they really couldn’t be bothered.

– But yes, the Hawks did score five goals, so there’s a feather in our cap. Kane has a career-high in points and now 44 goals, Kahun scored off a great play by Brandon Saad in the second when Saad made a great move at the blue line and drove to the net where Kahun picked up the rebound, hell even Slater Koekkoek got his very first goal. Dylan Sikura must be pissed. Chris Kunitz also scored in what is most likely his last game as an NHL player, or if not his absolute last, the last one in a home rink. I’ve been bored and mildly annoyed with the fuss they’ve made for him even though yes, I get it, it’s the right thing to do. But I will say it was rather touching how genuinely excited his teammates were when his weird, fluky bounce was deemed to have just barely crossed the goal line. So good for him, now Chris Kunitz please go away.

– Can we all just take a moment to reflect on the scoring capability that’s on this team and yet the fact that they’re missing the playoffs again? I know we’ve all beaten this dead horse—I know you’ve thought about it and we’ve all marveled at how shitty a defense can be, how inexplicable some personnel decisions have been…all of it. But god damn it, games like this throw into harsh relief the absurdity of such talent and career years by Kane and Toews being wasted.

– And just to make things worse, Corey Crawford sustained a groin injury and left the game in the second period. Yeah, he’s got plenty of time to recover and a muscular injury is definitely less worrisome than another head injury. But this guy doesn’t need any more shit breaking or going awry, even if he’s got six months to heal. He most likely pulled it when moving left to right on a brilliant save in the first, but you could tell he was struggling when he got back up. So that’s just one more kick in the collective ass for this season and one more roadblock for someone who doesn’t deserve the hand he’s been dealt with this team lately.

– Speaking of goalie problems, Anton Khudobin came into this game with a .926 SV% and somehow managed to barf up an .813. Part of this was undoubtedly his defense not giving a rat’s ass—case in point, the first goal when Dowling kinda sorta attempted to block a shot and the rest of the Stars literally skated the opposite way of Kane and the puck, making it easier than it already is for him. Also, there was some bad luck for the Stars like when the puck deflected off Reverend Lovejoy’s skate and right onto Dylan Strome‘s stick, who happened to be all alone in front of the crease and just held onto it long enough to get Khudobin moving the wrong way. So it wasn’t that Khudobin just fucked up royally, but he still should have had at least a couple of these.

So that’s the end of things on Madison St. this season. They didn’t go down like bitches in front of the fans for the last time, which I suppose is a nice gesture. But it grinds my gears one more time that only when there’s no pressure could they rise to the occasion and play a well-rounded game. Pullega will be here tomorrow night to bring it all home for you. Onward and upward indeed.

Photo credit: NHL.com

Everything Else

Friday Foofaraw – Fast Kicking, Low Scoring and Ties

By Rose Rankin 1268 0

As we expand our remit here at FFUD it gives us the chance to pester you with other non-hockey stuff that we like, such as European soccer (you’ve seen it before with English Premier League pieces from our fearless leader). To that end, the quarterfinals of Champions League are coming up in two legs over two weeks. And, despite the fact that my personal rooting interest (Napoli, Serie A) is out, these will still be some quality matches plus there’s the chance for some schadenfreude (at least for me, although unlikely). Let’s line them up:

Tottenham vs. Manchester City

1st leg: Tuesday, 4/9, 2pm central

2nd leg: Wednesday, 4/17, 2pm central

These teams are going to play each other three times in 12 days, with the first two matches being Champions League quarterfinals. Seeing as familiarity breeds contempt it should automatically be interesting, and the Spurs will be bordering on desperate to win this first match to prevent things from getting out of hand. On paper Man City is the better team, and they’ve pulled away from Tottenham in the Premier League table. However, at this very same time last year an equally dominant Man City got their ass kicked out of the quarters by Liverpool, so it’s not like it couldn’t happen. This first match will also be at Tottenham’s long-awaited finally-open new stadium, which they played at (and won) for the first time earlier this week. So maybe there will be some adrenaline rush with that. The bigger issues for them are staying healthy (at least Harry Kane and Dele Alli are both back), and their goalkeeper, Hugo Lloris, not being a sieve. He played pretty shitty against Liverpool recently and they’re comparable to Man City, so it sort of feels like a matter of time until Pep Guardiola’s squad gets to him.

Prediction: Manchester City

 Liverpool vs. Porto

1st leg: Tuesday, 4/9, 2pm central

2nd leg: Wednesday, 4/17, 2pm central

This one is going to be ugly for Porto. Liverpool is good—really good, and even when they aren’t that good they still find a way to pull shit out of their ass and/or take advantage of their opponents’ mistakes (Napoli had to score one goal…one fucking goal to get past them in the group stage and couldn’t do it but it’s their own fault and I’m not bitter and THAT’S NOT WHY YOU CALLED). Anyway, Porto may sneak in a goal or two but likely it’ll be over quickly.

Prediction: Liverpool

Ajax vs. Juventus

1st leg: Wednesday 4/10, 2pm central

2nd leg: Tuesday, 4/16, 2pm central

Ajax (pronounced “eye-ex”) is having a better run than I figured they would. They’re dominant in the Eredivisie in the Netherlands, but I definitely pooh-pooh’d their chances in Champions. Which gives me hope that they can get past Juventus (pronounced “you-vent-oos”, and no I’m not trying to be a dickhead I’m honestly trying to be helpful with some of these). They probably won’t, seeing as Juve’s entire motivation for existing is to win Champions League and it’s literally the exact reason they brought Cristiano Ronaldo over (and it’s been working out for them thus far). Juve’s backfield has been beat up but the bigger issue was that Ronaldo himself was injured. But as of today, their manager Massimiliano Allegri hinted pretty damn strongly that Ronaldo would play, and it would be nigh impossible to imagine him not taking part in what is his entire job description, i.e., winning in Champions. I would love nothing more than to see Juve lose this round, but I doubt it. They’ve got too much depth and keep getting bailed out by CR7 even when they don’t deserve to win.

Prediction: Juventus

Manchester United vs. Barcelona

1st leg: Wednesday 4/10, 2pm central

2nd leg: Tuesday, 4/16, 2pm central

This one has the potential to be the most interesting match-up of the round. Barca is leading La Liga, forward Ousmane Dembele may be back if not for the first leg than by the second (after tearing a hamstring in their ass-whooping of Lyon in the last round), and oh yeah Lionel Messi’s on this team. They played earlier this week and scored twice in extra time to get it to a draw, and although that was not against Man United so perhaps not apples to apples here, it should go without saying they can score (Messi is the leading goal scorer in Champions so far). And what about Man United? Since jettisoning international toxin Jose Mourinho as their manager they’ve been the annoyingly successful team you probably know from that one obnoxious acquaintance you had in college who had to be different and not watch American football. You know that guy—he was always a Manchester United fan. Anyway, they were a surprise coming out of the round of 16 after losing their first match to PSG, but they came back with a 3-1 win for the second match and since that was their away game, they ended up winning on away goals (a tie-breaker function—both teams scored a total of 3 goals over 2 games). So Barca is really the better team but Man United may be the hotter team…honestly I’m pissed for adding a prediction to these because it’s really tough to choose on this one. Luckily I’m under no obligation to be right.

Prediction: Barcelona

 

 

 

Everything Else

Atop the Sugar Pile – The Penultimate

By Rose Rankin 1735 0

The playoffs may be a distant memory, but that’s no reason not to peer into the smoldering remains of the dumpster fire that is this lineup. We’ve only got one more week after this! Shall we?

The Dizzying Highs

Alex DeBrincat. After a brief slump and enduring inexplicable line nonsense from Beto O’Colliton (those two issues are seemingly not unrelated), Top Cat bounced back with a strong week. His goal Saturday against the Kings was one of those where it looked too easy, and in the win over the Sharks he scored twice, including on a 5-on-3. He and Dylan Strome have maintained their chemistry, when their coach deigns to play them together, but even on the third line against the Kings he managed a goal and a 52 CF%. He’s now tied with Patrick Kane for leading the team in goals. We’ve basically come to expect this performance of him at this point, but as Pullega said the other night, one of the few bright spots is that DeBrincat is someone to build around going forward, and this week was a reminder.

The Terrifying Lows

Brendan Perlini. I guess it’s a little unfair to throw him into the Terrifying Lows, and maybe it’s unfair of Colliton to demote him so quickly and angrily, but there’s no denying that Perlini’s recent hot streak may have been just that—a streak. He basically exploded in early March in shots, scoring chances, and of course goals, but starting last weekend he reverted much closer to his baseline (1, 2, 4, 0 SOG since the Colorado home-and-home). His possession numbers have tanked as well, and following a dumbass turnover and overall shitty performance against the Sharks, he got benched late in that game and then basically sent to the corner with a dunce cap to think about what he did, both for the Kings game and against the Jets. Is Perlini really the biggest issue on this team? Not even close. But a bad week is a bad week.

The Seabrook-Forsling Pairing. If there is one silver lining to the impending end of the season, it is that we will not have to watch these two clowns skate together for at least a few months. Hopefully we’ll never have to see it again, but I remain pessimistic. Brent Seabrook was underwater in possession for basically an entire week. He’s taken five penalties in the last four games, including one that led to the Coyotes’ only (and game-winning) goal. Forsling hasn’t been any better—sure, he hasn’t taken as many ridiculously bad penalties in these last few but he’s been a turnover machine and is still generally offensive to the eyes when watching him. Any blabbering about Jokiharju or any of the other baby defensemen not being ready rings pretty damn hollow watching these two.

The Creamy Middles

Brandon Saad. Saad hasn’t scored in a while but he did log two assists against the Sharks, and maybe more importantly he’s just been playing reliably well. His possession numbers have been outstanding and he even came close to setting up Dylan Sikura for what is now the most impossible goal in hockey, Sikura’s first. He’s been a force for good in these dark times, whether on the top line or not.

Corey Crawford. Maybe he hasn’t been completely lights out lately, but when you’re getting hosed by your teammates and still manage to keep them in the game, that says something. For example, none of the goals against the Kings could really be pinned on Crawford. Wagner and Amadio both ran past defensemen who were 1) slow and 2) totally out of position, while the winning goal was an OT power play goal thanks to a terrifically stupid penalty by Jonathan Toews. Toews then continued the stupidity against the Jets with a trip on Mark Scheifele who got a penalty shot as a result. And Crawford stopped it. He hasn’t been perfect, but he’s been better than the numbers may say. And he deserves much better than what he’s getting to work with.

 

Everything Else

Game #78 – Hawks 2, Kings 2 – Kings Win ’80s Night Breakdancing Contest

By Rose Rankin 1808 0

This was a poorly played game for the most part, which I guess comes as no surprise given who the teams involved were. And yet, the contrast between the dull first period when both teams ended up with a handful of themselves and the excitement of basically every other televised sporting event in the nation tonight was striking. What was worse, however, was the ending, where the Hawks took one meager point and lost in OT on a power play thanks to a terribly poetic penalty by Jonathan Toews. We knew the season was over but this is a harsh exclamation point on it. Let’s get to the bullets:

Box Score

Natural Stat Trick

– As mentioned, the first period was mostly a back-and-forth affair between mediocre opponents, and although the Hawks ended up on the wrong side of the ledger in terms of both shots and possession (9-14 and 48 CF%, respectively), it wasn’t a painfully noticeable difference in play quality. The only part that was certifiably painful was Keith shattering his stick on a shot near the end of a late-period power play. Not only was that the personification of a sad trombone sound, but Kyle Clifford jumped out of the box just as it happened and the Kings had numbers going the other way. But fear not—Seabrook took a dumb penalty and the Kings were too useless to score on it…that time.

– Not useless was Alex DeBrincat, who scored a relatively soft goal by curling it just underneath Campbell early in the second. Top Cat is now tied with Patrick Kane as the team’s leading goal scorer, with 41, and his career total is…wait for it…69 (NICE). And yes, you’d make that joke too so shut up. Having DeBrincat and Garbage Dick on the third line is still some galaxy brain bullshit as far as I’m concerned, but I’d rather see Top Cat produce anywhere and any way that he can, rather than flail in the stupidity of bad coaching decisions. Remember, a 25-goal scorer tops, this guy.

– Erik Gustafsson‘s magic carpet ride continued with another goal, his 17th. Campbell likely was screened because he didn’t seem to see the shot coming from three miles away. However, Gus giveth and he taketh away, as his habit of doing confused pirouettes away from forwards left Michael Amadio alone in the slot to tie the game in the third. If you can’t stop a fourth-fucking-liner on one of the league’s worst teams you seriously need to re-evaluate what you’re doing and how you understand your job description.

– But wait! Before we pile on the crappy defenseman, at least he scored. Kane and Toews both point-blank fucked up multiple times in overtime. The fact this game went to OT is stupid on its own, but they had nearly a third of the 3-on-3 with control of the puck and couldn’t finish any of their shots. Toews followed that up with a penalty on Anze Kopitar, which is frustrating for its timing since that led to the winning goal by LA, and sad in its relevance for an aging, slowing legend trying to slow down nearly his mirror image. And it backfired in a pretty dramatic way, really putting the final nail in the coffin where the Hawks playoff hopes now lay. But had either he or Kane converted on any of their opportunities earlier, that penalty wouldn’t have happened. Maybe they’re tired after the amount of ice time (would be fair enough at the end of the season although tonight’s wasn’t too egregious), maybe they just don’t have it or don’t give a shit, but it did not inspire hope for the future.

– David Kampf broke some part of his face (or severely messed it up), and not that it matters now but still, not the way to end the season.

– I can’t say that Austin Wagner is any good, but I can say that he is fast. He absolutely scorched Carl Dahlstrom in the second for the tying goal (the first time), and he did it to Connor Murphy in the third but our Large Irish Son was bailed out by a Crawford poke check.

– Drake Caggiula seemed awfully excited to be back in the lineup, and yet I can’t help but wonder if he should try to avoid getting into fights rather than seeking them out, seeing as he just missed a month with a head injury. I dunno, just doesn’t seem like the best strategy. He had four shots, so that’s something, and he didn’t get into a full-on fisticuffs, but boy was he trying to.

I know I sound like a broken record but this has to be the end of the playoff delusion, even if the math doesn’t say it’s for certain yet. We all know it is, and really, if you can’t beat this lowly-ass Kings team any of the times you play them, do you really even deserve to be in the playoffs? The answer is no. Onward and upward?

Beer de jour: Sun Catcher by Revolution Brewing

Line of the Night: “Halfway through an almost scintillating first period.” —Foley, sarcastically saying what we were thinking.

Photo credit: NHL.com