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Wheel It Out Here, Carnac: C.I.’s Season Predictions

Usually I do this myself, but this year the whole crew is chiming in so you can hang us all out to dry in April. Let’s kick this pig…

Hawks Point Total and finish in the division 

Cieslak – 104 points, 2nd

McClure – 102 points, 2nd (lose on ROW)

Feather – 110 points, 1st

Fearless Leader – 108 points, 1st

Leading Scorer 

Cieslak – Kane, 91pts

McClure – Garbage Dick, 90 points

Feather – Kane, EIGHTY-THREE

Fearless Leader – Kane, 89 pts

Leading rookie scorer 

Cieslak – Schmaltz

McClure – Schmaltz, 38 pts

Fifth Feather – Motte, 44 pts

Fearless Leader – Schmaltz, 45 pts

Will Marian Hossa break 20 goals? 

Cieslak – No

McClure – 20 on the button

Feather – Yes

Fearless Leader – No

Will we still be calling Seabrook various names in March?

Cieslak – Yes, and hopefully one of them is, “PLUS-30!!”

McClure: Yes because it’s funny, and it was funny before he was bad.

Feather – Yes but our collective love for Jon Cooper’s creepiness will be much more in vogue.

Fearless Leader – Probably, but it won’t be because of his improved play.

Panarin’s point total 

Cieslak – 76

McClure – 68

Feather – 65

Fearless Leader – 60

Which player is deadline pickup?

Cieslak – No one

McClure – Iggy

Feather – Drew Stafford

Fearless Leader – It’s so going to be ClusterFuck and I’m going to throw myself out of a window

Pacific Division Winner

McClure – Ducks

Feather – Sharks, but really want to say Calgary if Johnny Hockey signs soon

Fearless Leader – Sharks

Atlantic Division Winner

Cieslak – Tampa

McClure – Tampa, leading to more Yzerman puff pieces than can be counted

Feather – Florida, but only because Slak talked them up so much. Toronto jumps two spots to 6th and we’re all better humans for having witnessed it.

Metro Division Winner

Cieslak – Pens

McClure – Caps, because Trotz can’t rest Holtby

Feather – Penguins

Fearless Leader – Pens

Central (if not Hawks)

Cieslak and McClure – Preds

Fearless Leader and Feather – HAAAAAAAWWWWKKKKSSSSSS

Hart Winner

Cieslak, McClure, and Fearless Leader – Crosby (he’s going for like 120 points this year)

Feather – Stamkos

Vezina Winner  

Cieslak  – Cory Schneider

McClure – Lundqvist for backing a team with no centers to the playoffs again

Feather – Crawford, and he’ll still be treated by the city like a citizen of District 12.

Fearless Leader – I’ll say Schneider as well only because it’ll make Tortorella look even dumber than he already does. Price as alternate.

Calder Winner

Cieslak, McClure, Feather – Matthews, though Feather says Forsling will be a finalist, resulting in Vancouver finally and thankfully burning itself to the ground.

Fearless Leader – Laine

Norris Winner

Cieslak – Shea Weber by the sheer gale force hot air of the Canadian hockey media

McClure – Karlsson again, but Faulk gets a finalist spot

Feather – Shea Weber. Even if Weber shits the proverbial bed, the voting body can’t wait to elect Weber because of how fearsome and scary he is.

Fearless Leader – I feel like any of the Hamilton, Brodie, or Giordano get it for a surprisingly good Flames team. Maybe Gio as a lifetime achievement thing. But I’m going to go with Faulk for an also surprisingly good Canes team and hockey writers wanting to feel like they’re hip or something.