Everything Else

Do you remember the time Stan Bowman signed Brandon Manning and I completely lost my goddamn ass several times about it? Well if you liked that, you’re going to love watching me pull my entrails out of my eye sockets when they sign one of the biggest, dumbest, most useless pieces of shit on ice in Corey Perry.

Just look at what the always wonderful Scott Powers wrote recently:

The Athletic’s Pierre LeBrun reported Tuesday the Blackhawks’ offseason objective now that they’ve signed two defensemen is to find a forward or two who could help on faceoffs and the penalty kill. He also reported they have not contacted Lee’s camp and were likely aligning their cap space to pay for next offseason’s deals. LeBrun did mention Corey Perry as a possibility still. –Scott Powers, The Athletic, 06-26-19

Putting aside the hilarious fact that this implies that StanBo thinks Maatta and de Haan solve the blue line problems (they don’t), that Corey Perry is even a possibility is dumbfounding. So great, now we have to dive into this fucking toilet.

Physical Stats

Height: Taller than shit should be allowed to stack; Weight: As in, “Wait! Don’t sign Corey Perry!”

Age: 34; Shot: None

On-Ice Stats (2018–19)

Team: Ducks Position: Horse’s Ass

WHO GP, FUCKING G, CARES A, AT P, ALL PIM

Corey CF%, Perry xGF%, Sucks oZS%

Why the Hawks Should Sign Him

The Hawks should sign Corey Perry if they are looking for an excuse to fire Stan Bowman immediately.

Why the Hawks Shouldn’t Sign Him

Holy shit, where do you start? Corey Perry is a 34-year-old pylon who can’t skate, can’t score, and can’t contribute in any meaningful way. They already have Brent Seabrook doing that, but at least with Seabrook, there’s the veneer of leadership and memory of three Cups that we like to think about as we await the heat death of the universe that is the end of his contract.

Perry does literally nothing anymore. Last year, he played 31 games, scored six goals, and had 10 points overall. His 47 CF% was not only bad in a vacuum but also bad relative to his team (-2.1 CF% Rel), which was the fifth-worst possession team in the NHL last year. As mentioned in our Pavelski preview, the Hawks weren’t particularly good in possession or transition last year, and Corey Perry will only make them worse.

If you think that’s bad, check this out:

Games Played CF% CF% Rel oZS%
Ryan Kesler (C) 60 44.3 -5.1 37.7
Brian Gibbons (C) 44 44.7 -3.4 53.8
Cam Fowler (D) 59 45.1 -2.6 53.0
Corey Perry (Asshole) 31 47.0 -2.1 55.2

This is the list of guys who played at least 31 games and had worse possession rates than Perry on the Ducks. Kesler’s sort of makes sense, given his evaporated hip and hilariously low offensive zone start rate. If the Hawks signed someone like Brian Gibbons, you’d likely ask, “Who?” or “Why?” And Cam Fowler can’t be bothered to give a shit. On top of everything, Perry got hammock shifts and still sucked out loud in possession. That’s some good company to be in if you want to make a run at the #1 pick.

There is no conceivable situation in which Corey Perry fits. And even if there were, Perry’s held together by a combination of tape, spit, and shit. And let’s just pretend that the Hawks manage to make the playoffs this year. Are you ready to ride the Micheal Haley Experience, wherein a shitty, no-good, non-contributor finds himself on the ice in meaningful situations? Ask Sharks fans how that fucking worked out.

Perry doesn’t even fit the definition of the type of forward StanBo said he was looking for! Holy shit! Throughout his 14-year career, Perry has taken exactly 263 faceoffs and won 75 of them. That’s a 29% win percentage. Over the past two years, Perry has averaged 1.5 seconds on the penalty kill. That’s right: One point fucking five seconds. So if the Hawks are looking for faceoff and/or PK specialists, Corey Perry is not the motherfucker you’re looking for.

You wanna talk about how he won the Hart and Richard in 2011? Fuck you, it’s 2019. You wanna talk about how he’s a four-time All Star? Fuck you, I don’t care, the last time he made the All Star Team John Scott was on it. You wanna talk about how he’d come cheap and only for a year? Fucking sign Matt McClure if that’s the logic. He plays beer league. He’s tall. He can contribute at a similar rate as 2019 Perry. We did this with Sharp, Ladd, Oduya, and others, but at least with those guys, there were warm feelings to sort of mask the poor performances. Not so with Perry, who is a relentless and useless prick.

Verdict

No. Perry has all the appeal of a puddle of sundried sperm. If Bowman signs him, he should be fired out of a cannon into the sun and stripped of all his banners and rings. If you ever wondered how Bowman could cock up a free agent signing worse than Brandon Motherfucking Manning, I present to you Corey Perry, Toilet Baby.

Everything Else

vs.

SCHEDULE: Game 1: Thursday, Game 2: Saturday, Game 3: April 16, Game 4: April 18

It’s fitting that the only series that would give the Kings/Golden Knights series a run for its “things I would rather hit myself over the head with a tack hammer than watch” money pits two unbearable monoliths against one another. The Sharks are looking for their first Cup ever while the Ducks are looking to make one more run with the Perry–Getzlaf–Kesler Connection in a matchup that only Gary Bettman has frothy loins over. Let’s get to the on-ice equivalent of that image here.

Goalies: John Gibson proved his mettle this year with the Ducks, posting a sparkling 92.6 SV% over 60 games. There’s only one goaltender with a better save percentage and at least 50 games under his belt on the year, and that’s Ol’ Shit Hip down in Nashville. And Gibson got his beak wet in the playoffs last year, with 16 starts, a 9-5 record, and a 91.8 SV% before bowing out late in the Nashville series. The only question now is will he make the bell, as he’s been nursing an upper body injury since April 1. He’s expected to go tonight, but if not, they’ll have Ryan “Kane for” Miller in the crease. Miller’s been on a bit of a hot streak, giving up just four goals over his last three starts against the Wild, Stars, and Coyotes, including a shutout of the Coyotes in the last game of the year. They’d much prefer Gibson you assume, but they aren’t entirely up shit creek if he needs to sit the first one out.

The Sharks will throw Martin Jones in their own crease, whose career similarity score compares him most closely to John Gibson. IT’S LIKE I’M SEEING DOUBLE: FOUR KRUSTYS. After pitching seven straight wins to the tune of a 91.9 SV% in mid-to-late March, Jones has gone a bit cold, going 1-4 with an 87.4 SV%, including allowing five goals on 19 shots against Minnesota last Saturday. But Jones has a habit of showing up when it counts, as reflected in his career 92.5 SV% and 2.01 GAA over 32 playoff games.

Defense: The Most Appropriately Named Player for His Team, Cam Fowler, is going to miss the entire round and perhaps more if the Ducks find their way out, which throws oil on an already average-at-best defensive corps. Once you get past HAMPUS! HAMPUS! and Josh Manson, you start entering “They have guys who can play minutes” territory in Francois Beauchemin—who figures to be as quiet as most of the letters in his name—Brandon Montour, Marcus Pettersson, and Andy Welinski, who’s played all of seven games this year, and only three in 2018.

The Sharks corps will live and die by Brent Burns and his “I promise not to skin you alive in a secluded cave” aura. Beyond him are the criminally underappreciated Vlasic and Justin BRRRRAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUN, who coupled their shutdown pairing ways with respective 32 and 28 point seasons. There isn’t much hiding from the Sharks D-corps, and it’s here that you can expect the Sharks to pull away.

Forwards: For what seems like the trillionth, and mercifully and hopefully final time, the big bag of ass-hair clippings known as Corey Perry will skate alongside Bald Asshole Ryan Getzlaf in this playoff series. Along with Rickard Rakell, this line will probably see a whole lot of Pickles and Braun, which doesn’t bode well for Corey Perry’s tiny-faced, hair-trigger temper or Getzlaf’s “Good When It Doesn’t Matter” playoff play style. And you’ll no doubt hear all about Ryan Kesler’s “spirit” and “ability to get under opponents’ skin” because once you get past the fact that he’s a giant pissbaby, there’s not much more to say about him. He’s hurt, he sucks, and he’ll take a bad penalty when it matters. The third-line of Ritchie–Henrique–Kase will need to do some sneaky damage, as they have the best chance of avoiding the Sharks defensive buzzsaw in the Top 4.

The Sharks have one of the better on-paper Top 9s in the league, especially now that The Other Asshat Kane has joined the top line. He’s been nursing an arm injury but expects to play tonight. The third line of Meier–Tierney–Labanc has all the potential in the world to turn the series, as each had 35+ point seasons and all are 23 or under. Tierney is the only one with extensive playoff experience, but I suspect that Hampus and Manson will get saddled with the Pavelski and Couture lines, leaving this line space to make magic. And there’s the outside chance that Jumbo Joe makes his HBK from the rafters appearance at some point, but that’s far from a guarantee.

Prediction: This series has all the appeal and intrigue of treating an impetigo infection in your armpit. The Ducks are coming in hot, having won 10 of their last 12 and five of their last six, but if they’re asking Miller to do anything more than spot start, they’re going to have trouble. The Sharks defense and special teams figures to be the difference maker, especially if Martin Jones does Martin Jones-y things in the playoffs. The Sharks still have that late-aughts Cubs feel to them, but that oughtn’t rear its head until at least the second round. Sharks in 7.  

Everything Else

Box Score
Event Summary
War on Ice

In what has become something of a tradition, the Hawks once again took on the Ducks in Orange Country for a Black Friday matinee. However, the Hawks bucked tradition by basically taking control of this from the word “go” in what could arguably be their most definitive victory of the year, and would be the most enjoyable were it not marred by predictable Ducks asshattery.