Everything Else

You Can’t Imagine How Much Fun We’re Having – Hawks at Wild Preview, Mail Merge

By 1361

evil empire at wildthings

Game Time: 7:00PM Central
TV/Radio: CSN, WGN-AM 720
Commit This To Memory: Hockey Wilderness

Before beginning the preview in earnest, first a public service announcement for Halloween weekend.

Under no circumstance is going out in black face acceptable. Yes, it’s 2015 and it’s fucking preposterous that these statements have to be made, but such is the state of affairs. And it’s a particularly gross trend among hockey players. It is your responsibility as a human being to tell anyone even thinking of doing this that it’s a bad, at best colossally ignorant idea. Do not be like these assholes.

hawksblackface

raffi torres

tyler bozak

Everything Else

Stray Cat Strut – Panthers vs Hawks Preview, Fire Suppression System Testing

By 1553

pack up the cats vs evil empire

Game Time: 7:30PM Central
TV: CSN, WGN-AM 720
Jimmy Buffett Sucks: Litter Box Cats

In today’s episode of the family favorite series Not Tone Deaf, the following is presented free of comment:

Everything Else

Grinds My Gears

By 1588

taft

Hello and welcome to my first crack at the soon to be renamed Grinds My Gears. I don’t care much for Family Guy plus if this is going to be my defacto spot, I might as well make it my own.

We’re very, very early into the hockey season and I’m not used to having the Cubs play baseball during this time of year. But here we are. Even with divided attention we hold a few truths to be self-evident:

  1. Artemi Panarin is pretty goddamn good
  2. Teuvo is still my special boy but now he’s getting jerked around by Joel “3 Cupz” Quenneville
  3. Everything in the NHL is completely predictable
Everything Else

We Are Penn State – Hawks at Flyers Preview, Beef & Beer

By 1467

evil empire at joe paterno

Game Time: 7:00PM Central
TV/Radio: NBCSN, WGN-AM 720
Travis Hughes Is A Shill For SBN And Welshes On Bets: Broad St. Hockey

The entire state Pennsylvania is basically garbage. Aside from having the worst accents known to mankind at both ends of the state, the entire place, from Philadelphia to Pittsburgh, from Bucks County to Allegheny, from Pottsville to Pottstown, is basically a front end for the con that is Penn State and its football team. When that enterprise came crashing down four years ago with the institutional coverup of Jerry Sandusky’s serial child rape, the only thing anyone in the state wanted to talk about was corrupt dwarf Joe Paterno’s coaching record, and defend it to the hilt in any and every way possible. From impromptu protests by students to formal proposals within state government, it was the only thing that mattered. It was, and continues to be a grotesque spectacle.

And now Hawks fans are no different, and have proven that vociferously over the past two and a half months.

Both groups share an absolute gaping void in their collective personhood that can only be filled by defending abhorrent acts by touting sports achievement as if it’s anything to be given a shit about in the face of real life horror. Just as the Penn State football stadium being colloquially referred to as “Happy Valley” became ironic to the point of being macabre, so too did John McDonough’s invocation of calling these the “Camelot” Blackhawks at the press conference at Notre Dame (who themselves the associated Catholic church have its own issues with women and children), as if the mythological Camelot wasn’t undone by King Arthur being cuckolded by his best friend and killed by his illegitimate son. Or even if McDonough meant the American Camelot, the Kennedy family, that too is an irresponsible parallel to draw even if Patrick Kane has a lot more in common with Teddy than it might seem.

So tonight the Hawks enter the de-facto capital of the state, home to arguably the most willfully shitty sports fans on the planet, and the team that somehow always manages to play up that terrible image.

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Is That What You Call A Getaway? – Hawks at Islanders Preview, Battery Backup Hot Swap

By 1698

evil empire at RI_Poster.indd

Game Time: 6:30PM CST
TV/Radio: CSN, NHLN, WGN-AM 720
Drones Over BKLYN: Lighthouse Hockey

The Hawks may have believed that Wednesday night was ripping the band aid on their horrendous offseason, but the true test of mettle begins tonight. This will be the first time Garbage Dick will have to face not only an audience who isn’t outwardly and wrongly sympathetic to his “plight”, but one that could very well be baying for blood every time he’s on the ice. There will be no banner ceremonies and coddling emcees to hide behind.

Add to the mix tonight being the home opener in a new building for a team with expectations of its own, in a city not exactly known for being subtle, and things could go sideways in a hurry.

Everything Else

The Lies They Tell Are Told Until They’re True – Rangers vs Hawks Preview, Polygraph Test

By 1408

RangerSmith vs evil empire

Game Time: 7:00PM Central
TV/Radio: NBCSN, WGN-AM 720
Sam Rosen’s Podiatrist: Blueshirt Banter

They told everyone the entire back half of the summer that they were only about the business of hockey. That getting back on the ice was the most important thing, and once they were able to do that, not much else mattered. And as criminal justice proceedings have dragged on and been obfuscated, that’s exactly where the defending champion Blackhawks stand tonight, with their star forward who has still yet to be cleared of a sexual assault investigation in uniform with at very least the implicit support of the entire organization.

So during the the effusive and interminable ceremony wherein Rocky Wirtz, John McDonough, and whatever host take self congratulatory tone-deafedness to astonishing new heights, remember that every ass in a seat, every applauding set of hands, is exactly what they banked on happening during this catastrophic off-season. Winning at sports is always a better brand strategy than being under investigation for sexual assault. And their cynical bet will be proved 110% correct when Patrick Kane receives thunderous applause all night long.