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Game #5 – Blues vs. Hawks Douchebag Du Jour: Joel Edmundson Is Just The Latest Savior

You’ll see this in Brad Lee’s manifesto in the Q&A. It’s not the first or last time you’ll hear it either. You can change the names, the era, whatever else, there’s always someone new who is going to save the Blues from the back end. It was Erik Johnson once. It was Kirk ShattenKevin at another point. Remember when it was Chris Pronger? That almost worked! Then it was Alex PuceJello. Or maybe it was Colton Burpo. We do get them confused, seeing as how they all look the same trailing the play. Apparently, now it’s Joel Edmundson.

We can’t tell you why. It looks to us like “Joel Edmundson” is just another term for “Robert Bortuzzo.” Except without any of the Disco Stu jokes. Sure, he’s big at 6-4, 215. Boy the Blues sure do love them some big d-men. Hey, quick question, who was the last Cup winner with a raft of big d-men? Can’t think of one? Yeah, exactly. We’re sure the Jets are just quaking at the thought of their so teeny, so slow forwards having to put up with this Godzilla-conquerer in a playoff series.

Oh right, Edmundson plays “with an edge.” Generally that means he plays dumb. And wouldn’t you know it, that’s true! More than 60 penalty minutes in all three of his seasons. Running out of position to make hits to make a “statement,” which is usually, “I’m a shaved ape and I think Filip Forsberg just went around me again.” But hey, he looks great punching people in the back of the head after a whistle. They actually scout for that in St. Louis.

Sure, he’s a better partner for Alex PlayaCarmello than Jabe O’Meester. So’s a police horse that’s retired. But just look at that beard! So rugged. So dark. It just screams, “I eat Hardee’s between periods!” With that beard and vacant look in his eyes he could be a Cardinal! That’s really what they’re after.

But don’t worry, folks. When the Blues are done getting blitzed in another playoff series because their defense was too dumb and too slow, it’ll be Jake Allen‘s fault. And that will likely be true, which will be great because we get at least one more season of Blues fans screaming from the Ozark-tops that Edmundson and Parayko are this generation’s Pronger and Niedermayer. But extra tough. And then they’ll flex and pull four muscles and rip three ligaments.


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