Kyle Dubas – Rape-apologizing hedge-fund dork who eventually will get found out. Or the Leafs will win the Cup and he’ll have a statue and the entire hockey world will never stop telling you about his geniusness. Either way, we all lose. Just imagine what we’ll go through if Chayka’s Coyotes somehow got out of the West at the same time.
Auston Matthews – Well, he’s a superstar now, because he’s gotten a coach fired. The mark of a true difference-maker. Also causes Canadian media to continually show their ass when discussing his “controversies.”
Leafs Fans – You know it to be true. They’re praying the Lightning catch the Bruins, not so they can avenge their previous two playoff losses to Boston, but so they can add to them. They’re much happier flagellating themselves and making the world watch than cheering a winner. This is their natural state. If anything, the Raptors title only pushes them more toward it. Now they’re the only Toronto team to not have won while anyone was still alive. Their martyrdom can only grow. You watch.