Ryan Getzlaf – It’ll be his 1,000th game tonight, and maybe in 200 of those he gave a flying fuck. He’s managed something of one last proof of life this year, which maybe comes out of pure embarrassment after a 48-point campaign last year marred by injuries of laziness. Getzlaf has spent over a decade scoring points that don’t matter, floating around the outside and looking for easy assists. But that’s ok, he’s rich. Maybe he’s paying tribute to fellow shit-eater Corey Perry’s departure. We know what he is, so will everyone else one day. Enjoy the ceremonies and pray he doesn’t try to light his own fart during it, which you know he wants to.
Michael Del Zotto – If Del Zotto plays in the NHL, so can you. And yet he keeps getting work. And you’d probably do much better on a date with a pornstar than he did.
Erik Gudbranson – We don’t feel we can mention it enough, but this guy kept Olli Maatta out of the Pens lineup last year, and then before a month was out on this one the Pens put him in a “Get the fuck off my roster” trade. A perfect Dale Tallon pick–big, dumb, and slow and unequipped to deal with today’s game. Somehow perfect he went to Vancouver after that. And then was moved along so they could make room for Tyler Myers. Hockey is really progressive, guys.