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Game #12 – Oilers vs. Hawks Douchebag Du Jour: Change Your Damn Name, Cooper Marody

We get it. The NHL is going to be more and more populated by kids with the dumbest goddamn names you’ve ever heard over the coming years. Deadspin wouldn’t run a “Best Names Of The WHL Draft” every fucking year if it wasn’t, and it’s there you can see the wave of Rykers and Jaces and Aidens and whatever shitty-ass mushrooms led some dweebs to dub their progeny “Jaxsen.” What the fuck is that?

But seriously, Cooper Marody? First of all, it’s San Jose that’s supposed to have all the dumb prospect names like Barclay and Joonas. And that was fine, they’re in Northern California where you’re supposed to be pretentious and stupid. We could accept that?

But Cooper Marody? Isn’t that Bradley Cooper’s name in “A Star Is Born?” No, we haven’t seen it and no, we’re not going to because seriously, fuck Lady Gaga. Go rip off Madonna again you twerp. And if that isn’t his character’s name, it should be.

Cooper Marody is a pop-country star who sings songs that are coded language about oral sex. He makes truck commercials that are only subtly xenophobic. Cooper Marody is John Mellancamp’s alter-, shittier-ego. Or he’s some singer that Mellancamp discovers and puts him on his label to make more money while he’s on the toilet.

That is not a real name. And if it is he should change it before he hit an NHL rink. He could become a 50-goal scorer, but are you ever going to take him seriously? Of course you won’t. And the NHL wants the sport to grow. If Dave Chappelle is right and “Draymond Green” is the definitive black name, then “Cooper Marody” has to be its counterweight.

And he’s from Michigan! Supposedly the rugged, true America state where they build the trucks that a Cooper Marody would sing a ballad about. How did this kid get through school with that name? Oh right, because he’s from the Detroit suburbs where everyone fled to get away from the future Draymond Greens of the world. Still, a Cooper Marody should have been getting a daily swirly, and possibly one every morning and afternoon. It’s why he’d be so goddamn sensitive that he’d write a song like, “The Only V4 Engine I Need Are The Four Chambers Of Your Heart” and he’d sing that as a duet with Taylor Swift on the AMA’s or something.

Connor Fucking Marody. Jesus.


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