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Friday Foofaraw: Our Award-Winning, World Famous Bears Roundtable

It’s almost that time again, when our Sunday afternoons are turned over to the abyss of watching Bears football. Oh you can pretend you’re above it and you do something else. But this is Chicago, we know the truth. You cannot escape. The abyss also gazes into you . So we get together every fall and preview the Bears season in a way only those who don’t take it seriously and know how pointless it all is can. Enjoy. 

So when training camp started we were wondering why we were even bothering. But after a few weeks, at least the front seven looks decent, there’s a couple fun running backs, and we have QB drama. If you do watch this season, why will you be tuning in?

McClure: Outside of my usual schadenfraude where I like to be acutely aware of just exactly why this entire city is pissed off and emasculated every Monday, there will be another layer of that with waiting to see just how bad Mike Glennon can manage to be while still keeping his job. Obviously once TRUBINSKY gets the starting job that will certainly gain my attention as well.

Cieslak: I still think there’s something in the defense if everyone stays 100% healthy but since that can’t and won’t happen they’ll struggle. Especially in the secondary, which looks awful on paper. I’ll be tuning into Red Zone and keeping one eye on the Bears doings, for the most part. It would be too much masochism for anyone to spend 3+ hours watching only the Bears this season. 

Feather: Because BEEEEEEAAAAAARRRRRRR WEATHER. The opening week of NFL is always very exciting; every team is filled with optimism, the majority of the games are competitive and big time players make big time plays. Then a week later, everyone is hurt or dead, the Patriots are the only good team and life is meaningless. So yes, I will be tuning in to watch the Beloved for your aforementioned reasons. Their running backs will help them move the ball. Their defense seems to be building towards something, their offensive line is light years better than it was just a couple seasons ago. All of this should make them watchable until Floyd has a knee, Long has an elbow, Whitehair (BYCRACKY) has a head and Howard loses a limb.

Fels: Because I really don’t have much else to do, at least I won’t whenever the Cubs are done. In reality, I like how the front seven is shaping up though I don’t know that any of Goldman, Bullard, Floyd, whoever are going to end up stars or anything more than really good role players. All the running backs will be paste by November. Once Trubisky takes over, that’ll pretty much be the only reason to watch. Also to see how badly they can blow a coverage in the last minute against Rodgers this time. 

How many games does Trubinsky play this year and how well do they go?

McClure: I’m going to say 8, starting after the bye because it’s week 9, and I think they go pretty well considering that with Cam Meredith already having his leg amputated and Kevin White’s inevitable disappearance, he will basically have the Ghost of Willie Gault and Great White Hope Tanner Gentry to throw to.

Cieslak: I’m not sure…something tells me he’s not going to play that much. Let’s say 4 games and I think they’ll be tough because he’s going to have zero NFL caliber receivers to throw to. 

Feather: First of all, let it be written that I am fully against calling professional players by their first name. However in this case and for his entire career, he will always be called Mitch or Mitchell by me. I am going full meatball hillbilly. In three preseason games, Mitch has done the damn near impossible…align the entire Bears fan base to believe in him and not be terrible the second he steps on the gridiron. I thought this season would see Glennon actually be somewhat decent and build a sect of followers that also drink out of the sewer. These followers would then be outraged when Glennon is released this summer and hate Mitch for the simple reason that he’s not Glennon. This scenario now appears less likely to happen than me being named head of scouting for the Blackhawks. I think Mitchell will play in at least 8 games – the first 4 will be orgasmic and the final 4 will be a mixed bag as the league adjusts to him.

Fels: I think Matt’s got it right. Right after the bye week seems to make the most sense. If the problem is he simply hasn’t played much I don’t know how you solve that by having him not play. And Glennon is going to be bad. 

Will Kevin White do anything you remember this season other than get hurt?

McClure: -Yes, he will become the go to argument for rationale to fire Pace for the remainder of Pace’s tenure here.

Cieslak: Get released?

Feather: The moment he creates a fragment of separation from a defender will be the equivalent of every Dick Butkus hit montage in the NFL Films archives.

Fels: I know how this works. He’s going to have one huge game, probably because the corner across from him has a stroke but doesn’t tell anyone. And we’ll hold onto that game for way too long while he fails to ever replicate it. 

While Trubisky will decide his fate, and White has been a major mark again, with Floyd, Hicks, Bullard, Cohen, Whitehair, Howard, Goldman, all at least looking like useful players, are we past thinking Ryan Pace is a complete idiot? Better than Phil Emery at least, right?

McClure: My problem with Pace has not been his talent evaluation overall, it’s that he’s done it backwards. Not enough of those guys are actually on the lines, which is where the longer career arcs tend to be if things go right. Yes they need to throw and hand the ball off to SOMEONE, but if they have fun toys like Howard and Cohen and the line is in disarray like it is with Kyle Long perpetually in the wrong position and/or hurt, what point is it serving?

Cieslak: I’m not ready to say he’s better than Emery because this is another completely lost season where the best we can hope for is a high pick. People will get excited if the Bears manage to steal a couple early games and that sucks because even if they end up as a surprise package in the NFL season, the best they can hope for is a wild card game ass kicking which hurts their draft position. 

Feather: Yes, I believe Ryan Pace has guaranteed he won’t be toxic material once his tenure with the Bears expires. Such standards! Similar to McClure’s point, Pace does seem to be doing the building backwards. It would’ve been more aesthetically pleasing to see him build this core from the lines out rather than skill positions.

Pace does seem to have a knack for finding guys off the street who aren’t the worst players on the planet and actually pretty decent. I don’t know if that’s a skill to brag about. At this point, his career seems to be defined by luck and injury. So far, both are coming back negative. At the end of each season, the Bears have been hurt, dead and getting hit with anvils falling out of the sky. Is that the GM’s fault? I don’t know. What about Danks.
Fels: I don’t think he’s an idiot, but along with Matt and Feather’s assessment, I’m still not sure he’s drafted a bonafide game changer. Floyd looks like he’s going to be real useful. So do Goldman and Bullard for the seven minutes they’re healthy. But are they shifting the course of games? Are people gameplanning for them? Not yet and I don’t know that they will. Pace needs to find a gamebreaker or six, and that’s other than the QB. 

How many Dolphins games will you watch and how much teal gear do you already have?

McClure: I already have purchased a Dolphins Snuggie and have my illegal game streams coordinated.

Cieslak: As many as Jay starts. Maybe it’s time to grab a Dolphins hat. 

Feather: The correct answer is always no one watches Dolphins games and neither should you.

Fels: Not as many as I promise, but more than I should. #CuttyForever.