Everything Else

Enough Already – Penguins vs Hawks Preseason Opener

I only caught the last 17 minutes of whatever the fuck this was, and that’s only because someone here had to. Anyone who watched all of this please consider re-prioritizing your life.


  • For the first time in three and a half years, I actually watched a game with the sound on, and it was short lived. It took Ed Olczyk literally less than the first pre-season game to jump all up in Brian Campbell’s shit. Campbell, it should be noted, was playing his off side and partnered with a child playing for “real” for the first time on North American ice. So multiple breakdowns of a reversal to said partner that had a little bit too much mustard that led to a goal that will never count is slightly excessive.
  • Olczyk also took time out to praise Ryan Heart Man for a hit that was so far behind the play that he wasn’t even in the frame as the camera panned to the Hawks’ zone. Back to mute with ye. Forever.
  • Richard Panik and Jordin Tootoo as part of tonight’s lettered captaincy. The line for the eyeball removal machine forms to the left, and it’s queueing up quick.
  • It’s visible why the coaches are high on Forsling. there are offensive instincts there and a pretty quick first step. In fact four of the six defensemen tonight all looked to have plus speed, excepting of course the useless TVR and Viktor Svedberg who were mercifully paired together so they could be ignored more efficiently.
  • Michal Kempny looked tentative when retreating backwards across his own blue line, and it’s clear that he’s going to play the left side when he’s even dressed to start the season. If he sticks he’s likely with Passenger 57 (always bet on BAD), with some combination of Keith and Campbell on the left and Hjalmarsson and Bottomless Pete on the right.
  • Nick Schmaltz looked to be pretty spatially aware and decisive, but he looks like he weighs about 63 lbs even in gear.
  • Alexandre Fortin looked about as invisible as an undrafted player who had EIGHTY THREE points in 121 games in The Q would be expected to look. This is not a savior.
  • Why is Mark McNeill? When is Mark McNeill?
  • The power play toyed with the the double screen in the high slot tonight, a hallmark of Kevin Dineen running the show in Q’s absence. Perhaps Mike Kitchen is resigned to his fate as Quenneville’s butt puppet consigliere (or at least the rest of the league forced them into realizing that), but it furthers the assumption that this will be Dineen’s last year as an assistant here before getting another shot of his own.
  • Even if they bring back ’92 flashbacks, goddamnit are the Pens’ retro whites (now full time) amazing in HD. Take a fucking hint Calgary, Los Angeles, and San Jose.
  • Apparently Tom Sestito (aka Top Sixtito) and Jordin Tootoo smashed each other in the face very early on in the first period. No matter how much either of these motherfuckers try, they will still always be on the ass end of two of the most embarrassing hockey highlights of the millennium. Sestito was brutally clowned on fucking premium cable by the soft spoken Brad Richards (sky point). Tootoo got pummeled by noted spastic shit-for-brains James Wisniewski mid-ACL tear. Watching Sestito get demolished verbally and both Tootoo AND Wisniewski get injured is far more entertaining that whatever this was.