Everything Else

Farewell Jon Cooper

While not a proper eulogy per se, over the past year, we’ve become intimately acquainted with the odd public speaking demeanor of Tampa Bay coach Jon Cooper, who comes across as an oily, depraved step-dad, complete with juris doctor in hand. Over that time, speculating on Jon Cooper’s extracurricular proclivities has become a running joke in these editorial offices that has simply been begging for an IPO. So in honor of Tampa’s ouster, we’re burying this on a holiday weekend Friday afternoon.

And as fair warning, things are going to get incredibly weird after the jump.

Please note, these #CooperFacts are parody and not actually true (that we are aware of), and that this reflects more on us than anything else. 

  • Jon Cooper has never made it through a team flight without making a Mile High Club joke to a female flight attendant while making an off-putting amount of eye contact.
  • Jon Cooper has gone as Mo Wanchuk from Slap Shot for Halloween 10 years running.
  • Jon Cooper has a signed 5×7 photo of him shaking Peter North’s hand in 2002 at the AVN Awards on his desk.
  • Jon Cooper has used his law degree to represent himself in at least one public indecency charge.
  • Jon Cooper’s pre-game meal is always at one of Tampa’s many fine strip club buffets.
  • Jon Cooper has sent no fewer than 6 hand written letters to HBO regarding the decline in quality in their On Demand softcore selection.
  • Jon Cooper has pulled the bathroom stunt from Mr. Robot at least three times on a female houseguest in the last year.
  • Jon Cooper regularly tastes his own seed as a quality control measure to ensure consistent viscosity and flavor.
  • Jon Cooper’s favorite actor is Michael Douglas.
  • Jon Cooper has had to purchase the same Liberator four times due to wear and tear.
  • Jon Cooper has more different massage oils than there are spices in the kitchen of The Girl & The Goat.
  • Coincidentally, Jon Cooper thought The Girl & The Goat was something entirely different prior to last year’s final, and was quite disappointed upon finding out the reality.
  • Jon Cooper asks the checkout girl at Kohl’s which set of patterned bikini briefs she likes better before making his purchase.
  • Jon Cooper can’t resist drawing a dick and balls with WAY too much pubic hair on the whiteboard in the dressing room.
  • Jon Cooper will tell anyone who will listen about his latex allergy.
  • Jon Cooper likes to relax after a tough day by watching Wild Things 2 with the director’s commentary track on.
  • Jon Cooper keeps a signed copy of “The Game” on his nightstand.
  • Jon Cooper is one of the few men to have a glory hole in his own bathroom.
  • Jon Cooper looks like he and his lady met two other couples at an empty mansion in the hills and swapped lovers for a week.
  • Jon Cooper has the hair of a man who owns a cigarette boat.
  • Jon Cooper told every Penguins player in the handshake line that they were welcome at his beachfront home any time for “mondo sucking and fucking”.
  • Jon Cooper has an entire pantry full of coconut oil but he never cooks.
  • Jon Cooper’s suit is a tear away he bought from discountstripper.com just in case.
  • Jon Cooper calls girls “co-eds”.
  • Jon Cooper swears “Leisure Suit Larry” is based off of his life.