Faxes from Uncle Dale

Recent Posts

  • Friday Foofaraw: FFUD’s World Famous English Premier League Preview

    Friday Foofaraw: FFUD’s World Famous English Premier League Preview

    We’re bored, it’s August, and Cieslak and I finally have meaning in our lives again with the return of the EPL. So for those of you who are like minded and spend your weekend mornings blisteringly hungover and screaming at various men in shorts that you call “muppets” when you should be in bed, this is for you! Our team-by-team breakdown:

    Arsenal: Once again, Arsene Wenger brings back essentially the same team except this time he added a shiny new French striker. I could have written that sentence in 1999, or 2006, or 2010, or 2014. They’ll be really good if they can get Alexis Sanchez to stay, which they should because he can really only go to PSG or Munich. And Munich aren’t going to pony up anytime soon, and I doubt he wants to go wax Neymar’s eyebrows for the rest of his useful career. But you know the drill here. Either they’ll start out on fire, everyone will get hurt in February, and they’ll wheeze to the end. Or everyone will get hurt in September, they’ll wheeze through the middle of the season, and then close with a flourish and probably win the FA Cup again just to provide excitement for next year so we can do this all over again. Either way, they’ll be bitching about Ozil’s effort when it gets cold. At least they can’t give up 17 goals to Munich in the Champions League again.

    Likely Finish: Solidly Top Four, but nowhere near title-challenging.

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  • Suggestion Box: Let’s Get Radical

    Suggestion Box: Let’s Get Radical

    Most of the changes we’ve advocated here the past few days, or have been talking about for a few years, are pretty simple. They’re logical. They make sense. Which is why the NHL is never going to adopt them.

    The problem with these discussions is you have to accept that there’s something inherently wrong with the game on the ice. That it’s not entertaining. I don’t know if I buy that. I don’t know that a lack of goals means boring (I say this is a soccer fan, so take it for what it’s worth). Lack of scoring does not mean lack of action. Action is the crux here.

    But I could definitely see where people think hockey has a lack of action. While the game has never been faster, and teams are every so slowly stocking their roster with more speed and skill (at least some are), that doesn’t mean it’s all that fluid. A lot of games descend into one team stretch passing to a forward at the other blue line to chip in, and then basically an attempt at a cycle. It can ground down in a hurry, and far too much playoff hockey looks like this. It happens quickly to be sure, but that doesn’t mean it’s all that vibrant.

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  • Suggestion Box: Fix Replay

    Suggestion Box: Fix Replay

    One day, if it hasn’t already, colleges are going to have classes that demonstrate how replay in sports demonstrate the perils of technological advancement in society. Because when you first hear of it, or in a vacuum, the idea of using video to aid  in the officiating and administration of sports makes total sense. And then you get it, and problems you never envisioned lead to other problems you never envisioned and suddenly we’re lost.

    So it was with official reviews in the NHL, which used to only be restricted to goals themselves. And then we got the toe-in-the-crease debate. And then that went away. And then goalie interference came into it. And now it’s offsides and delay of game and whatever the hell else. And we end up asking ourselves every time, “Did it count?”

    So let’s fix it.

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  • Help Wanted: C’mon Lisa, Join The Family

    Help Wanted: C’mon Lisa, Join The Family

    Hey kids. We’re going to be making some changes on here for next season. We’re still hammering out what that may be, but we know that you’re going to like it. There’s going to be way more content in our own special way. Maybe even a new look. A new method, while holding onto the things you have come to love… or tolerate. But in order to do that, we need to hire some new writers.

    Not just anyone of course. We’re looking for people who know what we do here. Not just the snark and music/Simpsons references (though if someone else can help out with the wrestling ones, bonus points for you!). Not just being a functional alcoholic (though Slak might not be considered “functional” anymore) But also able to break down games and the sport in the same way we do. So it probably would help if you’ve been reading us for a while, but not necessary.

    If you’re interested, email me at committedindian@gmail.com with “New Writer” as the subject. If you have links to previous things you’ve done, great. If you don’t, we’ll come up with some sample ideas you can can tackle to show us what you’ve got.

    And ignore the photo, we would certainly welcome long-haired, freaky people.

  • Suggestion Box: The Standings, Dear God The Standings

    Suggestion Box: The Standings, Dear God The Standings

    Per the theme of the posts this week, the descent into a complete fantasy land where the NHL does things that actually make sense furthers. And with that in mind, it’s time to tackle one of the stupider core aspects of a stupid league- the standings.

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  • Suggestion Box: Do Away With Road And Home Jerseys

    Suggestion Box: Do Away With Road And Home Jerseys

    Over the next few days, or maybe week or two, we here at The Lab will be suggesting things that we think could help the league. These won’t be pie-in-the-sky, go-four-on-four-all-the-time type bullshit, though we may suggest blowing up St. Louis just on general principle. We spend a lot of time around here tearing down. It’s time we tried to suggest how to build back up. Not that anyone ever listens to us. So let’s kick this pig…

    As is always the case it seems, the NHL has been beaten to the punch by the NBA. As you might have seen, the NBA this year will have no “home” or “road” jerseys this season. Every team will have four to choose from, one of which will be white, and the home team will pick what they will wear first and the road team will have to then wear something that doesn’t clash. I’ve only been screaming for the NHL to do this for years, pretty much ever since the Leafs-Wings Winter Classic. And long before that.

    But that doesn’t mean it’s too late for the NHL.

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  • Ein Minuten, Bitte. Ich Habe Einen Kleinen Problemo Avec Diese Predators

    Ein Minuten, Bitte. Ich Habe Einen Kleinen Problemo Avec Diese Predators

    Here was a headline that caught me somewhere uncomfortable the other day:

    “Ryan Johansen’s Blockbuster Deal Could Set Up Predators Dynasty”

    Ambitious stuff for a team that’s been past the second round exactly once, don’t you think? Look, I get it. Best top four on the blue line in the league, arguably. A raft of fast, young forwards not bereft of skill. A pretty good coach, though has a track record of flaming out quickly in places. A rabid fanbase and unique (whether you think it’s good or bad) atmosphere that tends to cloud the judgement of neutral observers (don’t tell me that doesn’t happen). A division where everyone appears to be standing still at best, if not falling backwards. Really, who else in the Central has an upward trajectory at the moment? So it’s easy to fall in love with Nashville.

    But let’s take a look, shall we?

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  • Friday Foofaraw: These Are The Words I Can Do Without

    Friday Foofaraw: These Are The Words I Can Do Without

    As a writer, “professionally” so for about 10 years now, I’m always fascinated by how the language is used in some places. I’m always on the look for words bent into adjectives or trying to find better verbs and whatever else (and the fact that I usually resort to “whatever else” means I’m not all that good at this). On the flip side of the coin, watching sports programming most of the time means I’m seeing the language get butchered. The problem usually lies in that those doing a lot of the talking are former athletes which probably means A) they stopped going to school for any real purpose somewhere around 7th grade and B) have been repeatedly hit in the head, knocking loose whatever education they did get.

    But they’re not always the culprit. So here are the things that bother me the most when watching broadcasts:

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  • The Montreal Canadiens Are A Fraud

    The Montreal Canadiens Are A Fraud

    This isn’t some post to blast the Montreal Canadiens for telling Andrei Markov to shove off back to Russia today. Markov is yet another player who was massively overrated simply because he played in Montreal. Andrei Markov is fine. If he was on your second pairing, you could probably get away with it. The only reason the Habs got away with him on their top pairing for so long is because Carey Price was behind him, and for a lot of years PK Subban next to him.

    No, it’s not that. What it is is to poke holes in what the Canadiens are and what they think they are. The Canadiens would like you to believe they are the NHL’s Steelers, or Cowboys, or Packers, or Celtics, or Lakers, or Yankees. This is in fact, utter horseshit.

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  • Post-Convention Grab Bag

    Post-Convention Grab Bag

    -There seemed to have been a bit of furor–in that whenever anything happens in July you have to make something out of it to pretend anything is happening at all–that at the convention Patrick Kane and Artem Anisimov expressed disappointment that Artemi Panarin had been traded for Brandon Saad.

    It’s clearly obvious why Kane would be. His numbers are going to suffer. And that doesn’t make Kane out to be selfish or uncaring about the team. Most if not all hockey players are acutely aware of their stats, just as any athlete is any other sport is as well. Believe me, Jimmy Butler knows exactly what his points and assists are per game and Kris Bryant knows what he’s hitting. It’s part of the job.

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