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Friday Foofaraw: Our Definitely World Famous Chicago Bears Roundtable

By Sam Fels 1762 0

Unlike Hess, Rankin, and Pullega, the “core four” still live in this wonderful city and call it home. We have not abandoned it for some horseshit covered outpost or soulless suburb. Which means, we still bleed blue and orange. We know the Bears are the soul of this city, for better or for worse (so much worse). And like everyone else, we’re pumped about Sunday and the season ahead. So in a tradition unlike any other, we share our football thoughts, carrying on the tradition of “The Committed Idonije.”

We barely saw Mitch Betta’ Have My Money in the preseason. We really don’t know what’s in store for this season. Do you think the limited preseason action will matter and what are you expecting from our boobies-loving QB?
McClure:  First of all, it’s “tittiess”, and the Mack acquisition is such a trajectory-changer that it alters the prism through how we the giardiniera soaked masses view Mitch Please. IN THEORY, Mack takes a significant amount of pressure off of Mitch and will give him shorter fields to work with and hopefully leads to protect. Not that a QB drafted at #2 overall needs to project as a dreaded Game Manager (not Laramie), but Mitch’s margins just got a lot wider, and any rust that could be in place by Nagy giving the finger to the tradition of the dress rehearsal pre-season game should be knocked off by the end of the first half on Sunday. So, cliff notes answer- no probably not.
Feather: Like our new overlord Matt Nagy said, if Mitch falters early, it won’t be because he didn’t take 20 snaps in the preseason. 

I’m very interested to see what this offense (and Mitch) will look like when the bell goes off on Sunday. Clearly, the Bears were making a concerted effort to avoid putting anything on film. And they were obviously doing something worth watching in the Denver scrimmages to have the ever-weird John Elway paying complements to Mitch. So I’m not too worried about the lack of preseason reps. 

Realistically, I just want to see A) Mitch stay healthy the whole season and B) new wrinkles continually added to Nagy’s offense as the year progresses. I don’t ask for much. Just make my Sunday’s interesting again. Please.
Slak: I don’t worry about the preseason because I’m not a loser like Hub Arkush. That said, I think they’ve kept a ton of stuff re: the playbook from the public and it should be interesting to see if it plays out in our favor. Mike McCarthy’s comments seem oblivious as he is wont to sound, but then again he’s not gonna come out and say “here’s what we’re going to do to stop the Bears.” There’s an element of surprise and I am excited because Mitch does have one thing in his favor and it’s his unpredictability and athleticism. The big question is can he throw? 
Fels: I’m a touch worried about accuracy. The athleticism is there, the offense is going to be a learning curve for everyone so I’ll take those mistakes, but the one thing I noticed last year is Mitch sometimes struggles to find a tight window (don’t we all?) Especially on a deep ball, because Fox never let him throw one last year. If he can’t hit some 40-, 50-, 60-yard bombs occasionally, then everything is going to get scrunched. If he can, sky’s the goddamn limit. MITCH BETTA’ HAVE MY MONEY.
How good is this defense gonna be?
McClure: There is no limit to how good this defense can be. Everyone and their obese uncle on twitter has posted positional parallels for Vic Fangio’s fearsome defense in San Francisco to the personnel that slots in here, and things certainly look favorable. If nothing else, this defense will look more aggressive than Lovie’s bend-but-don’t-break and takeaway the ball system, and could very well be better if everyone stays healthy.
Feather: This defense SHOULD be as much fun as the first three years of the Lovie Staff and his Smith era when Tommie Harris still had two attached hamstrings. 

As McClure said, the Mack acquisition completely changes the prism by which this unit should be viewed. Of course, Roquan Smith missing the preseason (and to a lesser extent Mack) probably means this defense won’t come out of the gates breathing fire. More likely, it’ll take a couple weeks of the Bears getting slightly torched; people losing their minds and then getting on a roll after everyone gets a good feel for each other.
Vic Faaaaaaangio. Just wanted to get that one in. 
Slak: Injuries, as always, will dictate that. Trader Vic is no slouch though and I think he’ll get as much as one can from this group and goddamn is it talented. I am really excited to see them get back to being the terrifying takeaway machine we remember from the mid 2000s. 
Fels: I don’t even want to compare it to Lovie’s, as fun as they were at full-strength. This defense has the potential to be our mid-80’s group because unlike Lovie’s, this one’s gonna come and get ya. There will be angles and blitzes and ferocity and outright terror and I am here for it. There will also be swagger, and that’s when things are going to get really fun.
Khalil’s gonna kill you…Khalil’s gonna kill you…Khalil’s gonna kill you…
 
Is Allen Robinson going to be a weapon? Does he even have to be with Taylor Gabriel, Anthony Miller, and Slak’s boy Javon Wims?
McClure:  If nothing else, Robinson has to be respected if not double covered, and with the plethora of on-paper skill position weapons this offense should have. Robinson doesn’t seem to have an excessive amount of WR Diva in him so playing decoy for a while for the betterment of the team should be alright, but eventually he’s going to need his touches to keep DB’s honest, and it will be on he and Mitch to make the most of those targets.
Feather: You also forget to mention Slak’s other boy Kevin White. I’m probably drunk on Bears Kool-aid but this really could be an embarrassment of riches if all things come together. Hell, even if Anthony Miller is the only one of the young guys mentioned who pans out that will still be a success…by Bears standards. 

The key to it all taking off, though, is Robinson. If he starts strong and draws the attention of the opposition, it’ll open single coverage on guys like Miller, Burton, Wims, etc. 
He’s such a huge target. So long as his ACLs don’t shatter on impact, I cant think of a good reason why he wouldn’t be considered a major weapon. 
Slak:  I think he will be if Mitch can find him. I love Wims because I watched a lot of Georgia football last year and I think Anthony Miller can be a super dependable guy for us. Jury’s out on Gabriel but the guy you didn’t mention is Trey Burton. I think he’s gonna be really good. 
Fels: The amount of weapons the Bears could have is kind of astonishing. And that leaves out what could be a really decent running game and a coaching staff that can maximize the fun of Tarik Cohen. They’re going to get goofy and I can’t wait. Really, All Robinson has to be is a cog.
How many things in your house did you punch in joy when you found out about Khalil Mack?
McClure: Well, not nearly as many as Slak, who sent us all a 7:30AM “WAKE UP MOTHERFUCKERS THEY DID IT” text last week.
Feather: One, myself in the face. 
Slak: I think I texted you clowns immediately. I felt higher than giraffe balls. 
Fels: This is probably too much info, but I got Slak’s text on the toilet, Now that’s an experience.
Ok, seriously, can the Bears actually be like, good this year?

McClure: Short answer “Yes” with a “Maybe”, long answer “No” with a “But”.

Feather: I feel like my answer to this is the same every year – yes. Not to be a St Louis Blues fan “this time will be different” but this season has a different feel than any in the past decade or so. There are so many things to like about this roster and there’s still that new car smell of the coaching staff that there doesn’t seem to be much wishcasting when you start trying to imagine a 9 to 10 win team.  So what we have is 100% pure, unfiltered optimism. God help us all.

Slak: t’s a really tough division – the hardest question is who finishes *last* in the NFC North? It’s loaded. Based on that, it’s going to be a tough year for any of those teams and I welcome relevance. We’re not asking for much – just let us care again. Let us love. 

Fels: I’m all fucking in. I think 10 wins is right there. Everyone barks about the schedule but you honestly have no idea what the schedule will look like come Halloween. Yeah, the division is tough, but it’s not like Green Bay or Detroit are fucking juggernauts. And you can Kirk Cousins this, beeyotch. There are three pretty winnable AFC games there, The Bucs and Giants blow. Win your division games at home and those five and there’s eight wins already. Then it’s just about picking off one or two others. It can be done. It will be done.

FOOTBALL’S COMING HOME.

 

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You Share The Same Fate As The People You Hate – ’18-’19 Team Previews: Florida Panthers

By Matt McClure 2125 0

In yet another litmus test between old school hockey red asses and the computer boys, the Florida Panthers chose to revert to entrusting their future once again to the former in the person of this site’s namesake, and all it got them was sitting at home again in the spring once again. For the most part the Cats have remained quiet this off season in part due to financial constraints and also due to the fact that aside from the big ticket item that came to the division, the free agency market mostly sucked out loud. But given the landscape of things within the division and the conference, being judicious still might not be enough.

’17-’18 Season: 44W-30L-8OT 96PTS 248GF 246GA 18.9%PP 80.2%PK 49.19%CF 7.63SH% .9236SV%

Goaltending: Roberto Luongo enters this season having just turned 39 in April, and even at this age, still posted a .929 overall save percentage propped up by a .933 rate at even strength. Borat’s longevity has now become another attribute on what is a surefire hall of fame resume, playoff collapses be damned. However, unfortunately for the Panthers, he started 33 games last year due to a variety of aches and pains commensurate with being able to soon qualify for AARP. James Reimer got the bulk of the action and was slightly below average with a .913 overall and a .915 at evens, which simply isn’t going to cut it in the modern NHL. Reimer is capable of more, as his career mark at even strength is .925 even factoring last season’s dip, but it’s any guess how much he’ll be asked to play given Luongo’s health status or if his play understandably drops off this late into his career. The Cats are carrying a third goalie this year in the form of one-time New Sensation Michael Hutchinson after Connor Hellebuyck finally took the full time gig in Winnipeg. Hutchinson at this point is going to be a career backup but has been known to find the Devil Inside on occasion (particularly against the Hawks), but if he needs to be relied upon too much Florida is going to need a serious Kick elsewhere in the lineup.

Forwards: Over the past few years, the Panthers have compiled a very solid group of forwards that seem to produce both on the score sheet and territorially, and none of it ever seems to make a damn bit of difference. They added to that corps this year by trading for another player like that in Mike Hoffman, fresh off the drama behind the scenes on the set of The Real Housewives of Ottawa. Regardless of who is to blame in that sordid affair, the Panthers added another solid scoring winger to a group that already has the positionally dominant-if-ouchy Sasha Barkov and running mate Jonathan Huberdeau, and one of the more unhearalded #2 centers in the game in Vincent Trochek, whose 71 points nearly earned him a spot on the All Who-Gives-A-Shit team. The Panthers get solid contractual value out of all of these guys as well, having committed them all to reasonable long-term paper, but there’s no transcendent star here, and this is more of a star driven league than most observers are willing to admit. Nick Bjugstad certainly has all of the tools and the behemoth size to become one, but he hasn’t put it all together yet, and the questions are now beginning to get louder regarding if he ever will. The bottom six features a smattering of bums and has beens such as Troy Brouwer and Jamie McGinn and Micheal Haley, and of course franchise fixture and GRITHEARTFART captain Derek MacKenzie. If a forward grouping can manage to be top-heavy while also lacking gamebreakers, it’s this one.

Defensemen: Obviously this group begins and ends with former #1 overall pick Aaron Ekblad, who is entrusted with the most difficult assignments and zone starts and expected to also produce offensively. Ekblad was below the team rate in shot attempts for the first time this past year at 48.01%, but he spent the vast majority of his time covering for the cowboy tendencies of partner Keith Yandle, who can still slightly outscore his positional deficiencies, but at 32 as of tomorrow, his wheels could soon not even get him to the places he wasn’t sure he needed to be in the first place. The Cats are high on both Alex Petrovic (as evidenced by letting Jonathan Marchessault and Reilly Smith go in the expansion draft to be able to sign him) and Mike Matheson, but it’s not exactly clear what either of them do, and Matheson somehow just received nearly $5 mildo against the cap for eternity to ply whatever his trade is.

Outlook: While it’s unclear whether or not Bob Boughner is a Moron or Not yet (and his playing career would heavily suggest the former), what is clear is that he’s going to need to get a lot more than the sum of the parts that he has here to threaten for a playoff spot let alone advance. Counting on a nearly 40 year old goalie to continue to defy his age and mileage is also not a long-term recipe for success, but that’s never been something that’s been synonymous with the Panthers anyway. The same thing that always happens will more than likely transpire this year, where the Cats will make it interesting in mid-March, but ultimately miss out on the post season by the hair on their ass once again.

 

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You Share The Same Fate As The People You Hate – ’18-’19 Team Previews: Detroit Red Wings

By Sam Fels 1738 0

This isn’t even fun anymore.

Ever since I was a child, I longed for the day when the Detroit Red Wings would be a flaming shit heap sliding into that river that is also a flaming shit heap and could leave us the hell alone forever. It took close to 20 goddamn years, and for them to flee to the inferior conference at the time so they could hold onto their precious, meaningless playoff streak for two more years like some nine-year-old who still has a fucking binky, but it happened. Ever since their move to the Eastern Conference so their eight fans who actually live in Detroit and not here wouldn’t have to stay up past lights out at West Shoreline, they have been irrelevant. Their GM has been shown to be perhaps the luckiest fraud on the face of the Earth. No one wants to go to their shiny new arena that their supposed “hero” bilked them out of hundreds of millions of dollars they didn’t have to build and then not go to. They’re actively awful, and everyone knows it. They’ve become what they derided us for being for so long. The rebuild will go forever because they’ll never fire Ken Holland and he just keeps smiling that diluted, in-0ver-his-head grin at the press and everyone assumes everything is fine. It’s not. This team sucks and will for a very long time.

But now…we’ve all moved on. With Henrik Zetterberg likely to never play again, this might be the worst team in the league. They could seriously give the Senators a run for their money. Good God, Thomas Vanek is going to be on the top line, and Thomas Vanek stopped being able to move three years ago. They might get the #1 pick…no, scratch that, the NHL WILL rig it to give them the #1 pick to gift wrap them Jack Hughes because Bettman still thinks he needs the Red Wings for the league to be successful. And then Holland will trade it for the negotiating rights to Max Pacioretty two weeks before he hits the market. This is beyond taking candy from a baby. This is beating your toddler at Madden 142-0 and then punting him out the window without feeling one way or the other about it.

Let’s go through this and see if we still feel.

Goalies: Somehow, Jimmy Howard is still here, despite being in trade rumors since he was in the 3rd grade (the height of his education, like 75% of the players in the league). This is also the last year of that contract that made no sense, but don’t you worry, Ol’ Six-Gun Holland will extend him for $7 million a year until 2048 if he has a good October. Just you fucking watch. Howard was pretty putrid last year, only putting up a .910 and a .916 at evens, but he was playing behind nothing. Or at least that’s what you’d think except the Wings were middle of the pack when it came to attempts and chances against. Jimmy Howard is just there. He’s a billboard on the expressway. You use him to identify where you are as long as you’re going somewhere else hurriedly. Like that Magikist one by the Fullerton entrance on the Kennedy for decades.

Anyway, he’s going to be backed up by Jonathan Bernier, whom Holland signed for three years for some reason. Perhaps he sees him taking the starting role when Howard’s deal is up next year and can serve out the remaining years of this rebuild that’s only working in Holland’s head. I have no idea. But you don’t sign Jonathan Bernier for more than one year. It’s the “Mr. Pussy”  corollary from season 1 of Sex And The City. You don’t date Mr. Pussy. You take him for as long as you need service and then you release him back into the world. Fuck, why do I even know this? This is Jamie Benn‘s favorite reference we’ve ever made.

Defense: Jesus H. Christ, do not look too closely at this half-assed Boccioni of death. This team is still trying to make Danny DeKeyser happen. IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. They re-signed Mike Green out of pity, I guess. Niklas Kronwall is here to tell you about the onion on his belt. Trevor Daley. My lord people, Trevor Daly in the top four, possibly top pairing. Trevor Daley only exists for people who huff paint to yell at Mark Lazerus. What is this? I don’t even know what this is supposed to be. They don’t have one fucking kid who can crack this lineup? Oh right, there’s a Chelios descendant here who I assume they signed before he went to jail for beating up some college kid in a bar fight he most definitely started because the kid was reading at the bar. This is some rebuild, Ken.

Forwards: More public transit puke. Dylan Larkin slides up to take the #1 center role. Hey did you know he’s from the area and went to Michigan? I bet you didn’t because it’s not like they tell you that every eight seconds!  He’s a child of Datsyuk! He probably hates gay people too! Gustav Nyquist is riding shotgun to score 20-25 goals that absolutely could not matter less. They shipped off Tomas Tatar but I’m assuming he’s still somehow here because we had to hear about how he’d revolutionize the sport for 12 years in the minors before he came up to the Wings to do a whole lot of not much. Hey, same for Tomas Jurco, come to think of it! There’s still a fucking Bertuzzi here. They’ve already drafted his sperm sample. I guess I’m supposed to think Anthony Mantha is a thing, I don’t. Andreas Athanasiou (I can’t wait another day….), or Andreas Anathasiou because I assure you it doesn’t make a difference, moves to center after the Wings tried to fuck him over with his contract last year. He’s really fast…and that’s it. Someone should have told them they didn’t need another Darren Helm because the old one is still here (now with detachable hips!). Evgeny Svechnikov is going to be on the top line by Halloween, and if he isn’t it’s only because the Wings are still trying to make everyone think they “overcook” their prospects when in fact all their prospects just sucked. Seriously, there are maybe two 20-goal scorers here. This team might not score 200 goals this year.

Outlook: Horrid. Their only hope is that they’re so terrible they finally fire Holland and find a GM worth a shit, except no NHL team ever does that they just hire some red-faced jackwagon who picked his head up off the hotel bar at the Stanley Cup Final long enough to say yes. They’ll make big noise about luring Yzerman back home, he’ll take one look at that roster and pipeline and laugh so hard he’ll tear an abductor. They should make Holland and Ottawa’s Dorion slug it out for Hughes. Or better yet, rig the pick to the Hawks after McDonough threatens Bettman with something. This team is going to suck out loud, to the point where you won’t even enjoy it. Even hearing their name will cause a giant, “UGGGHHH!” Wait for the excuses to why their arena dedicated to pizza that tastes like despair is 1/4 full for both the Pistons and Wings.

Khalil Mack is going to Scorpion overrated fraud Matthew Stafford and then chuck his giant moon-face into Comerica Park between the two broadcasters who are so miserable watching the Tigers they’re fighting each other. How Detroit is that?

Previous Team Previews

Buffalo Sabres

Boston Bruins

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Their Emblems Built Of Garbage – ’18-’19 Blackhawks Player Previews: Duncan Keith

By Rose Rankin 2415 0

Let’s move on from the acid-reflux-inducing situation that is the Blackhawks goalies, and instead start pondering the black hole of the blue line, which saw notably pitiful changes from last season, despite the obvious need for more talent right now. After giving up 2,683 shots against, their worst number since 2013-2014 (when at least they made the Conference Finals), and finding new ways to plumb the depths of clumsiness and stupidity nearly every night, the Hawks defense was the glaring eyesore of the season. Duncan Keith wasn’t anywhere close to being the main offender in last year’s shit show, but for the defense to have any chance at rebounding this year they need him to improve. And for better or for worse, he will probably still be on the top pairing. So we start with him…

2017-18 Stats

82 GP – 2 G – 30 A

52.4 CF% – 60.5 oSZ%

Avg. TOI 23:50

A Brief History: It would be foolish to say that last year was anything other than a disappointment for Duncan Keith, and it’s not just because of the measly two goals. Yes that was all sorts of pathetic, but it’s not like he was scoring tons of goals in years prior and besides, it the defense that matters. No, the real problems were his lackluster numbers overall despite taking over 60% of his even-strength zone starts in the offensive zone, and the fact that he was basically dragging around a useless clod in Jordan Oesterle all season. These two things are connected and the latter is most certainly not Keith’s fault, but it’s concerning given the defensive roster this season.

With a 52.4 CF% (again, at evens), he wasn’t too off his historical average but—one more time for the cheap seats—this was following a decrease in defensive zone starts. So last year’s numbers don’t bode well, Also, Keith is slower and trending continually in that direction (he turned 35, and the ravages of age come for us all). It’s tough to watch sometimes because he still knows where he should be, but he just can’t get there. And oh yeah, who the fuck is he going to be paired with? Let’s consider the possibilities.

It Was the Best of Times: In the rosiest outcome (SEE WHAT I DID THERE) Keith and Murphy would click in the way I kept hoping they would last year, but never did. They only played a handful of games together last season and I’m convinced that Q’s irrational disdain for Murphy torpedoed what could have been a pairing of the smartest-yet-aging and best-yet-green defensemen. In this utopia Murphy could at least cover for Keith when he can’t make it to the corners or behind the net, and maybe taking the pressure off a little will allow Keith to get a few more assists or even goals. But most valuable would be extending the abilities Keith still has by not running him into the ground, also while having him become the elder statesmen passing along his knowledge to Jokiharju et. al, who each get some time with the guru.

It Was the BLURST of Times: In place of you-could-mistake-him-for-a-fencepost Jordan Oesterle (who doesn’t even merit a skypoint), Q falls back into a comfortable situation that is well past its prime, as he is wont to do—pairing Keith and Seabrook together. Our Nachos preview is still to come so I won’t dive into the details here, but you know as well as I do that he’s only going to be slower and more bloated this year, and pairing him and Keith together would not only be viciously counterproductive, it would be a sad coda to what was once a great partnership. Equally awful would be pairing Keith with Brandon Manning, the literal definition of “just a guy.” In either of these situations Keith’s diminishing speed and possession problems will only become more glaring.

Prediction: In all honesty, Keith probably gets stuck with a rotating cast of jamokes, as Q desperately searches for a pairing that works but that for some reason doesn’t involve Connor Murphy. There will be parts of games where he’s paired with Seabrook, and the collective scorching of retinas will force him to abandon that plan. Then Rutta and Gustafsson will get their turns, neither of whom will be able to compensate for Keith’s slower step. There very well could be a 20-game stretch of Keith-Rutta where Keith does his best at damage control and we all hide behind our couches for their shifts. And yet somehow, Keith will end the season with 8 goals and over 40 points. Hockey is weird and it’s bound to happen for REASONS that won’t make sense. Welcome to 2018.

Previous Player Previews

Corey Crawford

Cam Ward

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You Share The Same Fate As The People You Hate – ’18-’19 Team Previews: Buffalo Sabres

By Matt McClure 1547 0

Next stop on the Preview Tour in the Flortheast Division are the Buffalo Sabres, who after years of tanking both intentionally and unintentionally, finally landed the top overall pick in a year where it was almost impossible for them to screw it up. The Sabres were dead last in the league in almost any conceivable category last year, so in theory there’s nowhere for them to go but up, but this is still the city of Buffalo being discussed here, no there can’t be much that’s ruled out.

 

’17-’18 Team Marks: 25W-45L-12OT 62 PTS 199 GF 280 GA 19.1% PP 77.9% PK 47.61% CF 6.14% SH% .916 SV%

Goalies: Every year there’s a career backup that finally earns starter’s money from a desperate dipshit franchise desperate to find any kind of answer in net, and this year’s magic couple are the Buffalo Sabres and former Hawk great Carter Hutton. Hutton was admittedly stellar last year for St. Louis even playing way more than he had to while Jay Gallon continually shat himself, posting a .931 save percentage overall and .937 at evens in 26 starts and 32 total appearances. Both marks are 15 points above his usual rates, and Hutton will be 33 in December. Given how far away the Sabres are from meaningful spring hockey, this is clearly a team paying Hutton to be a placeholder, and a career journeyman finally getting a legit payday even at a decidedly modest $2.75 million a year for this season and two more. Everyone seems to get what they need out of this transaction even if none of it is all that inspiring for anyone from an actual standpoint of winning hockey games. Linus Ullmark at 25 and with 26 NHL games to his resume gets his shot at backing up Hutton, and if last year proves to be a major outlier for Hutton, Ullmark may get more of a look than that, but at least he has some shot of mattering the next time the Sabres do, which will be 10 minutes after never at this rate.

Defense: This is where top overall draft pick Rasmus Dahlin will be featured from day 1, and by all accounts from any scouting expert, Dahlin is close to a sure fire #1 defenseman as there’s been in the draft in a generation, with a rare combination of size, speed, skill, and hockey smarts. And he’ll need it, because the Sabres other Rasmus on the blue line, Ristolainen, has been kind of a giant turd. While Risto has put up solid scoring numbers from the blue line with two straight 40+ point seasons on dog ass teams, 48 of his 86 points in that time have come on the power play, and only last year was he even close to hovering around an already putrid team possession rate. And at 346 professional games, he’s long past the 200 game “getting it” threshold arbitrarily attributed to developing defensemen. In an ideal world however, the younger of the Rasmii now assumes the mantle of a true #1 that can legitimately handle top assignments and tougher zone starts, while Risto is given a more sheltered role. But there’s kind of no clearer indicator of a team in disarray than hoping a rookie will help a 5th year pro making $5.4 mildo a year by slotting him down. Zach Bogosian, Marco Scandella, and Beaulieu are all here, but they’re all of next to no long term consequence. Beaulieu at 25 maybe, but even that’s pushing it, as he would have shown even a flash of something by now if he were going to.

Forwards: Whether anyone has been paying attention or not, and they haven’t, over the last two years, Jack Eichel has put up 121 points in 128 games, a .945 point per game clip. However there are two problems with this scenario, the first being that hockey seasons are 82 games long and 128 games is a lot less than 164 for two years. The second is that the guy picked ahead of Eichel, whom the Sabres nakedly prostrated themselves for in a tank effor has put up well over 200 points in that time frame. It’s not fair to Eichel to be compared to Connor McDavid, but he’s always going to be. And now he doesn’t have any protection on the center depth chart with Ryan O’Reilly getting traded to St. Louis for a big bag of bullshit coming back in the form of Patrik Berglund. But for as one sided as that trade was against the Sabres, getting Jeff Skinner for a prospect no one had ever heard of was as equal a theft. He and Eichel should form a fun top line together with whatever’s left of Kyle Okposo, but past that, hoping for the likes of Conor Sheary and Zemgus Gerginsons to make meaningful contributions is just flat out depressing. Sam Reinhart showed some growth last year increasing his goal output from 17 to 25, so naturally he remains one of the few RFA holdouts left league wide. Casey Middlestadt should get more time this year, but he’s not going to offer any protection to Eichel.

Outlook: It’s going to once again be an excruciatingly long winter for Sabres fans and players, and it’s pretty well documented how Phil Housely likes to entertain himself on go-nowhere teams. The only veteran pieces of any value that can be moved (assuming that the team still wants to build around Eichel) with expiring paper are Skinner and Jason Pominville, who already earned a spot on the All “Who Gives A Shit” Team last week. And within the context of this division, there’s not going to be any quick turnaround in sight considering how good the top of the division is and just how truly bad the Senators are trying to be.

Everything Else

Their Emblems Built of Garbage – ’18-19 Blackhawks Player Previews – Cam Ward

By Adam Hess 2488 0

After a season marred in large part by bad goalie play after Corey Crawford went down to injury, the Blackhawks decided to attempt to address their bad backup goalie problem by signing…. a bad backup goalie. Cam Ward probably wasn’t the worst option available on the market, but he wasn’t exactly far from it.

2017-18 Stats

43 GP (42 starts) – 23 W, 14 L, 4 OTL

.906 SV%, 2.27 GAA, 2 shutouts

.914 EV, .846 PP, .858 SH

28 SA per game

A Brief History: Cam Ward has had one of the cushiest gigs in professional sports over the past decade, as he has been living out the true American Dream of making a lot of money to be not that good at his job. He’s done that by living off the glory of a Stanley Cup win in 2006 as a rookie, despite the fact that he was pretty much dogshit during that regular season, posting a .882 SV% in 28 games that year.

It’s really a wonder Ward has even made it this long into an NHL career, now a veteran of 13 seasons, because in his first two years he couldn’t even crack a .900 SV% and even when he did get there in year 3, it was by the thinnest of margins with a .904 mark. Something seemed to click for him between the 2008-09 and 2011-12 seasons, as he went .916, .916, .923, and .915 over that stretch, finally lending some credence to his place as an NHL goalie. Since then, it’s been less rosy.

Since the start of the 2012-13 season, Ward has yet to get post a save rate north of .910, and only got to that number once. The last two years he’s gone back to barely scraping hockey’s Mendoza Line, with .905 in ’16-’17 and the above mentioned .906 mark last year. He’s also posted negative or worse Goals Saved Above Average marks every year in that same stretch, even getting as low as -13.93 in ’16-’17. Less than ideal.

In an attempt to be fair to Ward, it’s probably not all his fault, as Bill Peters system is well known for hanging the goalies out to dry in the attempt to control possession. Still, GSAA at the very least makes an effort to adjust for outside factors, so the information that is out there about Ward is still not encouraging.

It Was The Best of Times: The ideal scenario for both Ward and the Blackhawks is that Ward doesn’t have to come off the bench more 30-35 times, ideally against bad teams. Maybe in limited outings Ward will be able to find some of the game that he showed earlier this decade rather than what he’s been showing recently. Quennville’s more risk averse system should at the very least take bit of the pressure off Ward’s shoulders that he’s been felt in Carolina, while perhaps giving him a bit more confidence. Even so, in a backup goalie you could do a lot worse than a guy hovering around .910, so if Ward gets in that range it could keep the Hawks in games even when Crawford isn’t there to bail them out.

It Was The Worst of Times: Believe it are not, there are pretty much two worst case scenarios here. On the other end of spectrum of possibilities to what’s above is that it turns out Ward can’t stop a puck unless he’s getting frequent playing time, and resorts back to the player he was early in his career and not even stop 90% of what’s thrown at him. If Ward turns into Swiss Cheese in net whenever he’s in there and can’t even give the Hawks a fighting chance in the games he backstops, the classic Stan Bowman NMC is going to really bite this team in the ass unless they can find a way to make up an injury and try Forsberg again.

The other worst case scenario is that Corey Crawford is no longer good or his brain is mush after all, and Ward turns into your starter. Sorry, but this Blackhawks roster with a .905 goalie behind them is probably gonna have top-3 odds at Jack Hughes next spring.

Prediction: I am awful at predictions, but I will use Pullega’s Crow prediction as a baseline for mine. If Crawford does come in and only miss 10 or so games before coming back and being his old self, Ward will do just enough to help the Hawks survive Crow’s brief absence without falling apart, then turn into a dependable-but-not-impressive backup goalie, which really is how all backup goalies probably should be.

Previous Player Previews

Corey Crawford

Everything Else

You Share The Same Fate As The People You Hate – ’18-’19 Team Previews: Boston Bruins

By Sam Fels 2132 0

There are two schools of thought on the Black And Gold of Causeway St. One is that they geniusly (maybe a word?) negotiated the losses of Tyler Seguin, Dougie Hamilton, and Blake Wheeler years ago to construct a young, dynamic team and that maybe GM Don Sweeney isn’t the grinning dope we always made him out to be. The other is that they are one line led by perhaps the best two-way center in the game and got extremely lucky when some players played way above their heads and Tukkaa Rask re-emerged from his years-long trip to the Zoo Of Confusion. The truth is somewhere in between, but the Leafs got better (though not nearly as much as people think), the Lightning are still superior and are probably going to have Erik Karlsson in tow at some point, and the Panthers might actually be good. So the Bruins might be in deeper than they think this upcoming season.

’17-’18: 50-20-12  112 points  270 GF  214 GA   23.5 PP%  83.7 PK%  53.7 CF%  7.8 SH%  .923 SV%

Goalies: Tuke Nuke ‘Em will still be the main guy. Somehow, he’s only 31, even though it seems like he’s been around forever. This will be his seventh season as the Bruins’ starter, after backing up Tim “I’m The Less Charming
Steve Carlton” Thomas for two seasons.

Rask had something of a bounce-back season last year, which was a big reason for the Bruins going from missing the playoffs for two seasons and being a first-round knockout the third to a…well, second-round knockout. He’d been league-average or so the previous two seasons, and overall wasn’t too much better last year at .917 SV%. However, his even-strength save-percentage rose as did his shorthanded mark, and he was somewhat undone by a raft of short-handed goals against.

Rask’s numbers also skew because he was great in the first half and only so-so in the second, highlighted by a .955 in the month of December. No other month did he surpass .920 after that, and at this point somewhere around .918 is what you can expect of him.

Further complicating things for Rask is that he’s now kind of just a guy who makes the saves he should make but not many he shouldn’t. His high-danger SV% last year was only middling among starters, and because of the defense in front of him being vastly overrated he’s going to see a fair number of really good chances. He’s not going to kill you but he’s not going to carry you either at this point in his career.

Backing him up will be Jaro Halak, now that the Islanders are done trying to cram him down everyone’s throat and screaming, “It’s ice cream!” Halak is always ok when he’s in one piece, which is just this side of never. He’s perfect for a backup at this moment in his career, though might be asked to do a touch more than anyone would be comfortable with for this team. The limited appearances should help with his health, though. He won’t sink them.

Defense: There’s this narrative that the Bruins have a great top-pairing and are solid enough beneath it. I don’t buy it for half of a second. Every time I looked up in the playoffs or any game where the Bruins were playing a halfway decent team, Charlie McAvoy was in the trail-technique made famous by Lemuel Stinson. You can drive a truck through the spaces he leaves behind him and his open-gaped mush. Zdeno Chara is better than anyone who is 143 years old has any right to be, but that doesn’t make him dominant. The Lightning sure didn’t think so. I know what the numbers say, but this was the pairing deployed behind Patrice Bergeron the most. When not behind #37, their numbers are decidedly ordinary. I’m guessing McAvoy gets exposed this season and the Metamucil spokesman as his partner can’t keep up.

As for the rest, we’ve known for years that Torey Krug is great when parked in front of the other team’s blue line, and a high school musical when anywhere else. Brandon Carlo is fine, just as someone named “Brandon Carlo” would be. John Moore is so beloved after his time in New Jersey that Devils fans were trying to throw Jimmy Hoffa at him. There’s a couple kids who could fill out the third-pairing here, but this is not a special unit. Especially when they’ll be seeing the advanced attacks of the Bolts, Leafs, and yes Panthers for nearly a fifth of the season.

Forwards: It begins and ends with Patrice Bergeron’s line. Still probably the best in hockey, whatever you think of Brad “The Last Hapsburg” Marchand. Whether David Pastrnak skates with them or not they simply dominate. Because of this alone the Bruins are at least not-incompetent. However, after that it gets dicey.

David Krejci is 32, and has seen his scoring decline the past three seasons. He’ll also be saddled with Jake DeBrusk and David Backes as his wingers if nothing changes, though Pastrnak could end up here to spread things out a bit. DeBrusk might be a thing, and he might not. He put up 43 points in his rookie year, and the Bruins are going to need at least that from him again on the top six. Still, his lower-level numbers don’t suggest he’s supposed to be a lethal scorer.

It’s the centers after that that make you tug your collar and go, “Yeeeeesh.” Chris Wagner and Sean Kuraly. They’ll miss Riley Nash, which is a sentence. Danton Heinen turned some heads last year with 47 points, but much like DeBrusk he hadn’t shown to be a high-level scorer in lower levels. If they both level out again this year, the B’s are short on scoring. Ryan Donato is here and he does have college scoring pedigree, and with the way everyone sprayed their shorts on his arrival last season he’d better be the second coming otherwise this is just more Boston bullshit (which the Revolution should change their name to tout suite).

Outlook: Despite all the unnecessary noise about them, this is still a good team. I just don’t think it’s as good as the Leafs or Lightning, meaning the Bruins would have to go through both to go anywhere in the playoffs. And that didn’t go so well for them last year when they were deeper and luckier. If the Panthers get spiky they could even relegate them to a wild card, though that might even be preferable to go to the other division. They’re short on scoring past the top line, especially when Backes becomes nothing more than a Yellow Submarine, Blue-Meanie sympathizer this season. There’s a lot riding on kids, which can always go either way. Third place seems like the height of expectation here.

Everything Else

Their Emblems Built Of Garbage – ’18–’19 Blackhawks Player Previews – Corey Crawford

By John Pullega 2852 0

Today is the first day in our monthlong look at what the ‘18–’19 Men of Four Feathers have to offer. We’ll give you a review of each player, a best-case scenario, a worst-case scenario, and a prediction. The style’s new but the face is the same. Let’s kick this pig into life, after the first missed playoffs in a decade. We hope you enjoy.

In times of doubt and sorrow, there are always coping mechanisms. Wild Turkey 101. Watching The Crow on a loop. Asking strangers to put on a clown mask and open-hand slap you until you feel something, anything. And with the organ-I-zation’s handling of Corey Crawford’s status since last year, we might have a chance to experience all three at once this year.

2017–18 Stats

28 GP – 16 W, 9 L, 2 OTL

.929 SV%, 2.27 GAA

.935 EV, .931 PP, .902 SH

30 SA/Game

A Brief History: Last year, we had a chance to test McClure’s theory that the Hawks will live or die by Corey Crawford. And boy, did we find out. Prior to Evgeni Malkin catapulting himself into Corey like the bag of over-ripe compost and chewed-off thumbnails he is, and Crawford’s subsequent December dizzies in New Jersey, Crow was on his way to having the best year of his career.

– His even-strength SV% of .935 and short-handed SV% of .902 at the time of his demise eclipsed his final stats from his Jennings-winning year in 2013 (.934, .895), in about the same number of games (28 vs. 30) and with a less talented team in front of him.

– His overall SV% of .929 was the best of his career to that point.

– His GAA of 2.27 was tied for third-best of his career—behind only a 2.26 in 2013–14 and a comical 1.94 in 2013.

He managed these numbers despite facing 30 shots per game, as Joel Quenneville regaled us with his yearlong “I can touch my asshole with my elbow” strategy of pairing piss and poutine on his blue line in front of Crow. It may be folly to assume he could have maintained all of those numbers, but it’s clear that Corey was putting together a Vezina-contending year before he got shelved.

Before his unexplained 30-week absence, the Hawks sat at a disappointing but still-in-contention 39 points through 35 games. In those 35 games, they only lost more than three in a row once, losing five in a row at the end of November/beginning of December, four of which Forsberg started. They proceeded to post 37 points over the next 47 games—including losing streaks of four games, five games, and eight games—without Crow in net.

While there are several reasons why this happened, none loom as large as losing Crawford.

It Was the Best of Times: Going forward, best-case scenario, Crawford rises from the grave and doesn’t miss a beat. He plays his usual 55-game, 3,300-minute year at a .920+ clip, bailing out the defensively declined likes of Erik Gustafsson and Brent Seabrook, giving Jokiharju a chance to take risks, and preventing teamwide deflations from the kinds of backbreaking goals Forsberg and Berube were so primed to allow. This lets Cam Ward channel his 2005 essence in relief, and we all go back to gushing about how the Hawks know how to pick backup goalies. Assuming that guys like Saad and Toews rebound; Sikura, DeBrincat, and Schmaltz continue to grow into Top Sixers (I’m banking on both happening); and Quenneville puts down his fucking copy of House of Leaves before he pairs his defensemen, having Crawford back makes this a playoff team.

And since we’re doing best-case scenarios, let’s go even farther. Crawford finishes as a Vezina finalist behind Jonathan Quick or some other such horseshit because the NHL drinks from the piss troughs at Wrigley before they give out awards. Pat Foley finds time in between chugging Night Train and giggling at his own jokes to heap praise on Crawford like an incel at a sex doll brothel. Eddie O. openly admits that Crawford is the best goaltender the Hawks have had since Tony O. The Hawks team up with Taco Bell to give away free cheesy gordida crunches for every Crawford shutout, and we all get 10 free cheesy gordida crunches.

It Was the BLURST of Times: Crawford disappears from hockey completely. Like a scorned lover, StanBo and Q answer all “Do you have a timeline on Crawford?” questions with a dead-eyed “Cam Ward is our goaltender.” The narrative turns to “He told us he’d be ready, but now he refuses to skate for us.” Cam Ward tosses a .870 SV% on the year, and the Hawks finish dead last in the league. Edmonton wins the draft lottery, and the Hawks name Bobby Hull as the GM. The Hawks trade Crawford and DeBrincat for Patrick Marleau and Jake Gardiner, and sign Roman Polak to a 1-year deal. Everyone eats Arby’s as we wait for the Yellowstone Caldera to explode and finally end the fucking madness.

Prediction: Because I take Crawford’s word over StanBo’s or Q’s expectations, I suspect we will start the year without Crawford between the pipes. Crawford misses the first 10 games, but comes back and posts a tidy career average .919 SV% and 2.37 GAA on the year. He drags the Hawks into the last playoff spot by himself and still has his GRIT N’ HEART questioned by people who unironically wish Scott Foster were the starting goaltender. His brilliance goes underappreciated all year, but it doesn’t matter because the Hawks squeak back into the playoffs.

It can’t rain all the time.

Everything Else

The All-Ugly Team

By Sam Fels 9879 0

In my time doing The C.I. program, I had to sift through every player’s PR photo. And pretty much every hockey player looks the same. A bad haircut, iffy skin, and vacant eyes. Oh sure, there’s a Patrick Sharp or Vinny Lecavalier or Henrik Lundqvist every so often. Mostly though, you just see hundreds of guys you’d just want to get out of your way in some Canadian bar without another thought.

But every so often, I’d hit a photo and just say, “Whoa, that is an unfortunate looking man right there.” Or straight up Scarsipious, “WHOA GOD, THAT GUY’S UGLY!” And for any of you who get that reference, seek help immediately. And as we ramp up here a bit leading into actual season previews, I thought I’d continue yesterday’s work and present the All-Ugly Team.

So strap in tight, and prepare to feel a little better about yourself. Except, of course, these guys are world-class athletes and millionaires and all that goes with it. But we don’t have to think about that.

Goalie: Devan Dubnyk

The only person to double-up on both teams so far, we present Devan Dubnyk, who is a perfect fit for Minnesota as he’s the type to tell the bartender he’s “looking for some action, if y’know what I mean” in some bar in the woods. Being extremely tall and gangly probably isn’t going to help the cause much either, giving him a demonic wavy-arm ballon guy vibe. And this smile is something you’d see on a toddler when he won’t tell you where exactly he took a shit.

Defense: Roman Polak

It’s not easy to toe the line between “circus bear” and “mug shot of a sex offender” but Roman Polak is able to turn the trick. And that’s the only line he can toe, believe me. Perhaps the only player to appear on this team whose game is actually uglier than he is, which is really saying something. You have to hand it to Polak, though, because this is central casting when looking for a palooka of a defensemen whose play is an interpretation of a sausage belch. You could scour the Earth and not do better than this.

Defense: Charlie McAvoy

Honestly, the Bruins could have made up this whole team, as you’ll soon see. Fifth Feather has made a regular habit, both on the podcast or just in life, of making sure to call McAvoy either a “moon-faced mouth-breathing loser” or “pie-faced, mouth-breathing loser.” Whichever way he goes, his claim of “you can hear him breathing through the TV” is apt. No wonder Bruins fans worship this guy, as their whole city is filled with morons who look like they tried to head-butt a manhole cover.

Right Wing: Patrik Laine

I can’t find the original person to write it, but someone said Laine with the beard looks like he should be making me answer three questions to cross a bridge. At this point he’s probably in on the joke, and in some ways being Finnish is a form of cheating for this because Finland has had a remarkable skill of producing the most curious looking hockey players in recent history. Two words: “Olli” and “Jokinen.” Almost every Finnish player, and really most Finnish people from my experience, have this glaze over their mush that makes it seem like the entire country has just seen too much. Considering all the darkness there, maybe they have. And if they’re consistently surrounded by people who look like Laine and Jokinen, they definitely have.

Left Wing: Brad Marchand

Andrew Cieslak, in an issue of the C.I. in 2015, said of Marchand, “He looks like the lovechild of the last Hapsburg and DJ Qualls.” I don’t think I can say it any better. Marchand was definitely the kid in your school who would run up to anyone from behind and slide his hand up their ass crack yelling, “Credit Card!” In kindergarten he definitely ate worms. He eats worms now, likely. Perhaps the reason he plays like such an asshole is he’s lashing out at the world for making him look like this. All that licking is just a desperation to be loved, because it’s never going to happen for real for a guy who looks like a rat got face-fucked by a tire iron.

Center and Captain: Evgeni Malkin

If an unsolvable algebra equation could be a face, then it would be Evgeni’s Malkin’s. Nothing on this lines up. His mouth looks like it’s trying to escape. His eyes are clearly made of two different materials. Seriously, the Russian national team with Malkin, Datsyuk, and Ovechkin on it was just “Monsters Inc.: In The Gulag Now.” When he screams after scoring I’m sure at least two teammates of fainted or run away in terror and forsaken the lord. Sloth watches Penguins games to feel a kinship. Sometimes Geno’s game forces you to not look away…as long as it’s his number showing.

Everything Else

The All “Yeah But Who Gives A Sh*t” Team

By Sam Fels 2468 0

This is a category we invented ourselves. It doesn’t necessarily mean these players suck. It just means that their production never means anything. These are those players when you check the stats, and you see one of them had 33 goals or 71 points and you say, “Did I know that?” And chances are you didn’t because it didn’t mean shit for their team’s success, it took place in the dark, or both. They were empty calorie points. Basically, this is the Brad Boyes Memorial team, as Boyes was the master of getting you 27 goals whether you needed them or not, and it was always not.

So what follows is the All-Stars of putting up stats that rarely if ever matter.

Goalie – Devan Dubnyk

This is always the hardest one to pick, because generally if the goalie is good then the team is good so it’s complicated to find a goalie who puts up the numbers and then the season ends and you forget he or the team ever existed. Thankfully, the Minnesota Wild exist and are always good for forgetting they do. Honestly if their fans didn’t yell so loud about everything they probably would just snap into nothing and the league wouldn’t notice and everyone would just get an open date and then about March the NHL offices would be like, “Oh shit, should we have done something about that? Oh who cares?”

The past four seasons in Minnesota, Dubnyk doesn’t have a SV% under .918. His even-strength SV% has never been below .926. Considering the mish-mash of flotsam in front of him with the Wild, without him they probably miss the playoffs every year and maybe, just maybe, people would stop considering Bruch Boudreau some kind of round, Haagen-Dazs pinata of a genius.

And yet who gives a shit? The Wild have won exactly one playoff series in that time (which came against the Blues so does it really count?), and all that got them was getting thwacked by the Hawks in a sweep in the next round. Since then they’ve won four playoff games. They’ve only finished above third in the division once. Dubnyk is stopping all those pucks to keep a team middling and watch Jason Zucker score a bunch of goals while everyone still waits for Mikael Granlund to become Finnish Truth in hockey’s version of a Beckett masterpiece.

Defense – Oliver Ekman-Larsson

We love OEL. There probably isn’t a more gorgeous skater in the league. We’ve designed hundreds of trades over the years to get him here. He’s still somehow only 27. And yet…the Coyotes always suck. Like, really suck. The “plan,” whatever it is, never seems to work. And before you argue about the roster around him, which is a valid point but not total, look at the dreck Erik Karlsson somehow makes relevant most every year. No, OEL is not Karlsson, but if he were as good as sometimes boasted wouldn’t we know the Coyotes actually exist more than four days a year?

Ekman-Larsson has put up more than 40 points for five straight years. The Yotes haven’t come within a $50 Lyft of a playoff spot in those five years. They’re almost certainly not going to sniff one this year, even with Galchenyuk getting to play center and another year for Clayton Keller. Look around at the d-men that OEL is considered in the class of, and ask how many have teams that are completely irrelevant?

Defense – Alex Pietrangelo

Over the past five seasons, OrangeJello is 10th in scoring among d-men. He’s put up more points than Duncan Keith, Mark Giordano, and Kris Letang. And yet we can’t tell you why anyone should care. Pietrangelo has somehow conned his way onto two Canadian national teams, even though we couldn’t tell you what it is he does at a world-class level. He’s been the #1 d-man on the Blues for years now, and they have never done anything anyone would notice except for one conference final appearance. He’s big, and he’s like, somewhat mobile, but also not all that quick. He’s basically the most boring #1 d-man in the league, and is a bigger reason why the Blues are continually submarined by having mud in their tires than any Blues fan will ever admit outside of having jumper cables attached to their genitals.

Honorable Mention: Keith Yandle, John Klingberg

Left Wing – Thomas Vanek

You know a player isn’t worth a damn if the Wings have signed him in the past four seasons. Every fucking year Vanek would be in some outpost that had only just discovered indoor plumbing, halfway through the season he’ll have potted like 15 goals when his team is down 5-2, and then at least four GMs are like, “WE GOTTA HAVE THIS GUY IN FRONT OF THE NET IN THE PLAYOFFS!!!” Then he gets traded and said GM who wins this derby of doofuses and shit-for-brains is shocked when Vanek spends all of his shifts looking like he’s trying to keep from soiling himself or is just hoping no one discovers he just did. His best playoff output was six goals in 16 games in 2007. That’s 11 years ago. He apparently was on that Wild team that went to the second round in ’15, or as Wild fans call it, “Valhalla.” He didn’t score a goal. Thankfully, I think we’re finally done with this act.

Honorable Mention: Jamie Benn, David Perron

Center – Eric Staal

In his second year, Staal put up 100 points and led the Canes to a Cup, which seems like one of those things where God went out for smokes and didn’t realize that switch had been flipped. In 2009 the Canes made the conference Final. Since then, Staal hasn’t been on a team that has won a playoff round. He has 141 points over the last two years, which has gotten the Wild 11 playoff games. The fact that he’s the #1 center on the Wild is more an indictment of the Wild than him, but he has piled up points in locales that pretty much everyone is looking for a way out of as soon as they get there.

Honorable Mention: Vincen Trocheck

Right Wing – Jason Pominville

This is more of a lifetime achievement award. Pominville has 277 goals in his career, and I can’t say I remember any of them. The last time he was on a team that mattered was 2007. He’s scored over 20 goals, or at that pace, 10 times in his career, and yet it feels like it’s just completing the scoresheet more than making any impact. If Rick Jeanneret didn’t have so much fun yelling his name, you probably wouldn’t know who he is. But don’t worry, he’ll still end up in the Hall of Fame somehow.

Honorable Mention: Jakub Voracek

Jersey Hanging In The Rafters – Rick Nash

Do you remember this past trade deadline, when Rick Nash was considered one of the biggest prizes on the market? The same Rick Nash who has defined “passenger” his entire career. The same Rick Nash that Rangers fans wanted to cover in BBQ sauce and throw into a wolverine pit? Needless to say, it wasn’t a huge shock when the Bruins were pulverized in the second round by the Lightning and Nash spent most of the series with the same expression on his face that was a perfect representation of skunky beer that he’s always had.

Rick Nash should have been unplayable every night. And a lot of nights, the ones in January and February where everyone has basically checked out, he was. When he would back in over the blue line, there was nothing anyone d-man could do. He has three 40-goal seasons. But you see the size, speed, and skill, and you know he should have been potting 50 and even 60 here or there. He should have been terrorizing teams. But no one ever had to plan for Nash when it mattered. The only time he looked like that was the ’10 Olympics when he could be a third-line player and Toews would have broken 10 sticks over his head if any of his linemates didn’t play like their ass-hair on fire. Rick Nash should have been Marian Hossa with better hands.

Instead he’ll just go down as the greatest Blue Jacket ever. That and $2.50 gets you on the bus.