Faxes from Uncle Dale

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  • Sit Back, Relax, and Strap it Down – ’17-’18 Blackhawks Player Previews: Patrick Kane

    Sit Back, Relax, and Strap it Down – ’17-’18 Blackhawks Player Previews: Patrick Kane

    Thankfully we’ve made it another offseason without Patrick Kane drunkenly committing crimes. Unfortunately for Kane the Blackhawks traded away his running mate of the last two seasons, and he heads into this preseason without an obvious fit for linemates. Luckily, Kane is still good enough to succeed with just about anyone that Q could think to put him with, and is also capable of elevating the play of those players around him. I just hope he isn’t giving them offseason activity ideas.

    2016-17 Stats

    82 GP – 34 G- 55 A

    52.2 CF% – 64.4 oZS% – 35.6 dZS%

    21:24 Avg. TOI

    A Look Back: Despite not putting up league leading numbers again, Kane turned in yet another impressive season on the scoresheet last year, playing in all 82 games and producing more than a point per appearance in the process. His 89 points tied him for second in the NHL with Sidney Crosby, and his 34 goals had him in a three-man tie for 10th in the league. He managed 27 of those goals and a total of 64 points at 5v5, which actually wasn’t down that much from his 29 goals and 69 total points (NICE) at evens in 2015-16. The consistency there is a big encouragement, and also shows just how power play heavy his 106 total points that won him the Art Ross and Hart Trophies in 2016 were.

    Kane spent most of the season with Artemi Panarin again, who saw his feet slowly started to fuse with the top of the left faceoff circle last season as he turned into the one-timer version of a bobblehead. Seriously, Kane and Panarin probably could’ve had another 5-10 points each last year if DoughBoy hadn’t been possessed the ghost of Patrick Sharp (who, based upon his play this preseason, is assuredly dead). Panarin is gone now, but he’s not necessarily missed. You’ll be hard pressed to convince me that it was Panarin who helped channel Kane’s success and not vice versa.

    A Look Ahead: Obviously Kane is going to need at least one new linemate, and possibly two depending on how scrambled Anisimov’s brain is  after his concussions last year. I will maintain that DeBrincat should be on Kane’s opposite wing until it happens or I die. He has the speed, vision, and creativity to slot well on a line with Kane, and they would feed into each other’s strengths just like Kane and Panarin did. Those two would be a dynamic offensive duo regardless of who their pivot is, though I’d love to see Schamltz there. As I said in my ADB preview, Schmaltz’s playmaking ability would mesh well with ADB’s scoring ability, and having a top-five NHL player to distract opponent’s would free up ice for those young guns. Kane would be a solid bet for another 60+ point season at evens, and those two would take a huge step in their development as well.

    Otherwise, we might see Anisimov pivot Kane again while Patrick Sharp flanks the opposite wing. Anisimov is still a good fit as a center for Kane due to his size and ability to crash the net/shove his ass in goalies’ faces, so that part isn’t so bad. The problem is that Patrick Sharp is like 50 years old, can’t skate, and has a cardboard hip. And he’s not even the Blackhawks’ hottest player anymore. Putting him on the wing opposite Kane would be like tying a piano to the back of your Hellcat. Kane could probably still produce fine with Sharp on his wing, and he’d probably even get Sharp to score 15-20 goals if they were together long enough, but it’s not the best fit at all. Please, Joel, do not do this (he definitely will).

    In terms of production, Kane has been a point per game player in all but three of his NHL seasons. I’d call it a safe bet he does it again this year. My official prediction is an 85+ point season, or at least an 85+ point pace should he get injured. Pray that doesn’t happen, though, because even with the young offensive talent the Hawks have, losing Kane would take a huge chunk out of their offensive firepower.

    Statistics via Hockey Reference.

    Previous Player Previews

    Corey Crawford

    Anton Forsberg

    Duncan Keith

    Connor Murphy

    Michal Kempny

    Brent Seabrook

    Gustav Forsling

    The 6th D-Man

    Artem Anisimov

    Lance Bouma

    Laurent Dauphin

    Alex DeBrincat

    Ryan Hartman

    John Hayden

    Vinnie Hinostroza

    Tanner Kero

  • I Watched This So You Don’t Have To: Bruins 4 – Hawks 2

    Let’s just run through it real quickly.

    -The Hawks basically rolled out the B-team, and that was generally a problem whenever Bergeron and Marchand were out against them, or Pastrnak. But I doubt we’ll see Rutta-Forsling out against lines like that in the regular season.

    -Speaking of which, it was not a night Forsling is going to put on the video reel to show his kids one day.

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  • Your Friends And Neighbors – ’17-’18 Team Previews – Dept. Of False Hope

    Your Friends And Neighbors – ’17-’18 Team Previews – Dept. Of False Hope

    While many of the flapping heads are pronouncing the local squad as now having a closed window and figure to be on the outside looking in come playoff time, it is the two-time champions on Figueroa who have won but a single playoff game in the last three seasons since their last championship. And though they cleaned house in coaching and management with complete scumbag Dean Lombardi finally getting launched and the decidedly unfunny and cantakerous Darryl Sutter going with him, many of the same pieces that have never been able to buy a fucking goal are still here, just now older and with even more miles on the odometer.

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  • This Above All: To Thine Own Self Be True

    This Above All: To Thine Own Self Be True

    Let’s get one thing straight—the owners of NFL teams are terrible people. They’re succubi who feed off of young men, particularly young men of color, by profiting from the damage done to those young men’s short- and long-term health in exchange for a large sum of money that, while still large, is actually a fraction of the wealth of the owner, and more importantly, a fraction of the wealth that the player will bring to the owner, who ends up coming out way ahead in that deal. They’re succubi who feed off of taxpayers by extorting stadium funding, the receipts from which go overwhelmingly back to the owner, rather than the community that paid for the building. This is the most blatant of their extortions, but they also suck out subsidies and tax breaks that, like a slow bleed, drain resources away from the very community that is then threatened by the owner with the loss of their team.

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  • Sit Back, Relax, and Strap it Down – ’17-’18 Player Previews – Tanner Kero

    Sit Back, Relax, and Strap it Down – ’17-’18 Player Previews – Tanner Kero

    I miss Marcus Kruger already, don’t you? There was a level of trust there after years of reliability that I just don’t have yet with the newer centers. But what’s done is done, and with the merry-go-round of forwards the law of averages would say that there has to be a suitable replacement among them, right? Well, there just might be one in our very own Working Class Kero.

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  • Your Friends And Neighbors – ’17-18 NHL Team Previews: Straight Outta Edmonton, Is A Crazy Mofo Named Draise-Cube

    Your Friends And Neighbors – ’17-18 NHL Team Previews: Straight Outta Edmonton, Is A Crazy Mofo Named Draise-Cube

    If the Leafs are going to be the annoying bandwagon team in the East, whose fanbase will be the constant drone of the season as they try and flagellate themselves as publicly as possible, then the Oilers are going to be that in the West. They won their first playoff round in 10 years last year, and probably should have beaten the Ducks in the second round. It won’t take people long to point out that Toews and Kane won a Cup in their third season, and that Crosby was in a Final in his third. The training wheels are off Run CMD and the boys. It’s basically June or bust for them. Unfortunately for them, their dumbass GM may have put too many roadblocks in their way. Or more to the point, behind them on defense.

    Edmonton Oilers

    ’16-’17 Record: 47-26-9  103 points (2nd in Pacific, out in 2nd round to ANA)

    Team Stats 5v5: 49.9 CF% (18th)  51.0 SF% (9th)  49.7 SCF% (19th)  8.2 SH% (9th)  .927 SV% (7th)

    Special Teams: 22.8 PP% (5th)  80.7 PK% (17th)

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  • Your Friends And Neighbors – ’17-’18 NHL Team Previews: Give Me Throwbacks Or Give Me Death

    Your Friends And Neighbors – ’17-’18 NHL Team Previews: Give Me Throwbacks Or Give Me Death

    Maybe a week ago, I would have told you that I was pretty excited to see what the Calgary Flames have in store this season. It has one of the most exciting young players in the game in Johnny Gaudreau, even if he’s a MAGA dipshit. He plays on a very entertaining line with Sean Monahan (is there a chance he could bend?). They have Michael Frolik whom I adore, who’s on a line with fellow hockey Zobrists Michael Backlund and Matthew Tkachuk. They have three #1 d-men, and just added Travis Hamonic who could be one of the better #2-3s in the game. And VERSTEEG! is here!. They look poised to make some serious noise in the West since 2004.

    And then their owners started bitching about their arena deal not getting done and now I hope they go 0-82. Because fuck those guys. And wear the fucking throwbacks all the time, dillholes.

    Cal And Gary Flames

    ’16-’17 Record: 45-33-4  94 points (4th in Pacific, torqued in 1st round by ANA)

    Team Stats 5v5: 50.5 CF% (10th)  50.5 SF% (10th)  49.9 SCF% (18th)  7.6 SH% (16th)  .920 SV% (22nd)

    Special Teams: 20.1 PP% (12th)  81.5 PK% (12th)

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  • Sit Back, Relax, and Strap it Down – ’17-’18 Player Previews – Vinnie Hinostroza

    Sit Back, Relax, and Strap it Down – ’17-’18 Player Previews – Vinnie Hinostroza

    Vinnie Hinostroza—whenever I hear that name, I’m immediately back in Elmwood Park at my great-uncle’s cousin’s house for some random relative-of-a-relative’s baptism, or maybe a birthday, stuck in an Easter-egg colored taffeta dress with tights, making awkward conversation with the other pre-pubescent kids who are there not by choice. And I bet if you ask Vinnie, he would know it’s called gravy, not sauce.

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  • Your Friends And Neighbors – ’17-’18 NHL Team Previews: Would You Buy Furniture From Unpainted Huffhines?

    Your Friends And Neighbors – ’17-’18 NHL Team Previews: Would You Buy Furniture From Unpainted Huffhines?

    As the latest team to be run by a analytic wunderkind, every hockey fan who’d like to see the game move forward in any way, there is some investment in the success of the Arizona Coyotes. With some smart summer moves (not necessarily Hjalmarsson), the Yotes are going to be some people’s pick to surprise. They’re not there yet, or at least don’t look it, but they’re finally trending up. Whether they can get anyone to care in the desert is a question that’s gone on far too long and will never die.

    Arizona Coyotes

    ’16-’17 Record: 30-42-10  70 points (6th in Pacific)

    Team Stats 5v5: 45.0 CF% (30th)  44.9 SF% (30th)  42.6 SCF% (30th)  7.2 SH% (20th)  .924 SV% (12th)

    Special Teams: 16.1 PP% (26th)  77.3 PK% (27th)

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  • Of Course the Maple Leafs Screw Things Up For Everyone

    Of Course the Maple Leafs Screw Things Up For Everyone

    Leave it to Toronto. The Maple Leafs have been the hairy asshole of the NHL for the better part of a century now, yet they continue to claim themselves as some kind of important, historic NHL organization. The media that covers the team has ruined hockey coverage. Their fans ruined hockey Twitter. And now, after years of exploiting the ever-living shit of the LTIR cap exception, the team may have just managed to screw things up for the whole league in that regard.

    The Leafs are hardly the only team to have circumvented the salary cap with the LTIR exception, but they’re without a doubt the worst offender. Because Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment essentially prints Loonies (which is probably a down market at this point in and of itself), they’ve been unafraid to write checks to players that they have no intent on playing. Hell, they traded for Nathan Horton for the sole purpose of getting LTIR relief, and more recently have been keeping an apparently entirely healthy Joffrey Lupul off the ice for the cap relief and to make room for the New Kids From The Block cover band that makes up their forward group.

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