Everything Else

Our Should-Be World Famous Binary Coach Standings – Eastern Conference

By Sam Fels 1618 0

We did the West yesterday, let’s round it out.

Metro Division

Rod Brind’Amour (CAR) – INC

We don’t know yet, but he spells his name dumb.

John Tortorella (CBJ) – Moron

I mean… I don’t have to really go any farther than playing Byfuglien at forward in the World Cup, do I? Torts the dude is probably someone I’d hang out with, given his forthrightness and his love of saving dogs. The coach, who used to be the “Safe Is Death” guy, employs a ball-control, game-management offense that accentuates shot-blocking and MOAR HITZ and when it doesn’t work you best believe it’s anyone’s fault but his. Since he won a Cup in Tampa his teams have made one conference final appearance.

John Hynes (NJ) – Not A Moron

That Devils team wasn’t really any good and he got a playoff berth out of them. He’s been able to slide out from under the gaseous fog of Lamoriello and get the Devils playing something you can actually watch instead of contemplating the meaninglessness of existence during the 60 minutes. They might actually take a step back this year, but that would be ok considering where they are in their arc.

Barry Trotz (NYI) – Not A Moron

Well he’s not a moron when coaching but he might be a moron for taking this job. I know coaches coach and the Caps didn’t offer him the money he wanted but this team is going nowhere. Trotz rides his goalies too hard but he got out of that this year and he had a rested Holtby this time with something to prove. He can get a little trap-y, but pressed all the right buttons with the Caps in the spring. His teams are always good, and he’s done it in a couple spots. Though until this spring, he basically had the same record as Bruce Boudreau, but he broke through and Gabby hasn’t. Makes all the difference.

David Quinn (NYR) – INC

Another college coach, but considering the sheer amount of talent that rolls through Comm Ave. at BU, merely appearing in the NCAA tournament seems a bit short of what they should be doing. There was only one Frozen Four appearance, though judging a coach on basically two games to get there isn’t fair. We’ll find out.

David Hakstol (PHI) – Moron

I’m really only going off what Flyers fans say, and they hate this guy. Still, the Flyers have been young and fun and I don’t know that they should have even made the playoffs this year but they did. This is probably the make-or-break year for Hakstol, as they’ll expect a leap forward even though there’s still no goalie here. There will never be a goalie here.

Mike Sullivan (PIT) – Not A Moron

Again, not reinventing the wheel here but he did take the Pens out from under the bewildered gape of Mike Johnston and tell them to get the fucking puck up the fucking ice fucking quickly and look what happened. Last year’s team was wonky and he still got 100 points out of them even with Matt Murray having an existential crisis most nights.

Todd Rierden (WSH) – INC

No pressure, then.

Atlantic Division

Bruce Cassidy (BOS) – Not A Moron

Overblown because everything in Boston tends to be, but he’s taken a team that was floundering under Claude Julien’s methods and was bored out of its mind and recharged them. Sure, he has maybe the best line in hockey which makes up for a lot and he probably didn’t have much to do with Tuukka Rask’s return from the abyss, but he’s sprinkled in a fair number of kids and kept the train a’rollin’. Can look forward to losing to the Lightning again.

Phil Housley (BUF) – INC

Not sure the Sabres should have been as bad as they were last year but they’ve been that bad for so long that maybe this is just the way. Rasmus should improve things but ROR is gone, and eventually Jack Eichel is going to have to look like a #2, franchise-changing pick. He hasn’t quite yet. This will be the year to judge.

Jeff Blashill (DET) – Moron

Again, he’s had nothing to work with but the Red Wings suck out loud and there doesn’t appear to be much of an idea what it is he’s trying to do. If the goal is get young players to make moves forward, who has done that exactly?

Claude Julien (MON) – Right In The Middle

Considering his record in Boston, it’s hard to believe he could even be considered a Moron. But that was a hard team to fuck up, and when your goalie is throwing a .940 throughout the playoffs you have to do even less. His last couple years in Boston were ugly, and the work in Montreal hasn’t been any better. Chased Galchenyuk out of town, the Canadiens don’t have a playoff series win and don’t look likely to get one anytime soon. Not his fault that Carey Price is basically just cashing checks now, so you can’t totally indict him. Still, this is a team that gets dumber and slower and that’s apparently the way he wants it.

Guy Boucher (OTT) – Moron

You can take his two conference final appearances with two different teams and shove them up your giggy. He got there on the backs of two hot goalies and a trapping system that Proust or Nieztsche would have thought was simply too dark and and lifeless. Sure, this Senators team would be a disaster with the lovechild of Bowman and Ozymandis at the helm, but this guy sucks and always has and needs to stop getting jobs yesterday.

Jon Cooper (TB Diddlers) – Not A Moron, in the creepiest way possible (ENCHANTE!)

We have all the fun in the world at his expense, and he’s the coach most likely to get found in a hotel room covered head to toe in vaseline, but he knows what he’s doing. And his teams are fun. He’s developed a raft of young players including Hedman and Kucherov, who have become MVP candidates. He’s got more to work with than most, but he gets the most out of them.

Mike Babcock (TOR) – Not A Moron

The gleam is off, but that doesn’t make him an idiot. There are some Leafs fans who have had enough of seeing the likes of Polak and Komarov getting significant minutes, but wonderboy Dubas seems to have stripped the roster of those temptations. Can still get enamored with mule-like vets, and is ultra-hesitant to let his high-octane offense off the leash. Then again, he probably sees what his blue line is made up of. No excuses no, of course.

Everything Else

Our Should-Be World Famous Binary Coach Standings – Western Conference

By Sam Fels 1761 0

We did the GMs, so let’s do the coaches. Just to remind those of you who are on the newish side, we’ve basically boiled down all coaches and GMs in the league into a binary system: Moron or Not A Moron. Given how weird hockey is, how much is down to pure, dumb, idiot luck, and how backward the thinking everywhere is, it’s downright impossible to rank them in any other way. At least that’s our opinion. So let’s get to it:

Central Division

Joel Quenneville (CHI) – Not A Moron

This might come as a surprise to people given we’ve been the loudest bullhorn decrying the latest inexplicable decision he makes about his lineup. There is no perfect coach. But the resume is the resume, and while the game has changed even in the past couple years, the ways it’s changed are just extensions of what Q’s philosophy has been here in Chicago. Stop the play against you before it gets in your zone, get the puck up the other way as quickly as possible, get your d-man in behind it easier by forcing quick turnovers and forcing the play up the ice. These were things the Hawks did better than anyone to terrorize the league for five or six years. Yes, his lineup choices can be weird. Yes, he’s ignored good players just because of a hunch and played bad ones for the same reason. But the overall theory and implementation of how the Hawks should play has really never been in question.

Jared Bednar (COL) – Not A Moron

Hard to be in this category after one of the worst seasons the NHL has ever seen with the Avalanche in ’16-’17. But seeing as how he was given nothing, he can’t really take much of the blame. This turnaround last year is probably enough to give him this label, and the Avs do play an up-tempo, let’s-give-it-to-MacKinnon-and-move policy which is enough.

Jim Montgomery (DAL) – INC

We don’t know, but I will say his record at Denver would suggest he’s going to be Not A Moron. Also, I’m a fan of more teams moving into the college ranks to get coaches, instead of recycling the same 35 morons every year. Hakstol in Philly might be an idiot, but at least it’s different. And everyone in Dallas will just be happy it’s not Hitchcock, which is still a hiring that convinces me there’s a higher power because who else comes up with that joke?

Bruce Boudreau (MIN) – Moron

This will garner some chortles and protests, mostly from Ryan Lambert. Boudreau’s regular season really is uncanny and if hockey were inclined to weight regular season accomplishments more (and it probably should) he’d be a Hall of Famer. But hockey doesn’t. And a portion, maybe a good portion, of Boudreau’s success is simply pushing his team much harder in February and March when every other team has stopped caring and is waiting for the playoffs or the golf course. He’s Hockey Thibodeau in that way, though he does it through offense instead of Thibs’s heavy defense-first ways. But that leaves his team gassed and out of answers come playoff time, and one conference final appearance, where he blew yet another 3-2 lead at home in Game 7, is a record of a moron. Especially with some of the teams he’s had. His teams always have the mental stability of a Science Olympiad balsa wood bridge built by a student in detention. They fall apart with a stiff breeze. When Boudreau wins any trophy that actually matters, come talk to me. Until then, bite my bag.

Peter Laviolette (NSH) – Not A Moron

Though this is probably the season that the Preds tune out Lavvy, because it always happens to him wherever he goes, Lavvy gets the most out of what he has. His teams are always fun and fast, and though he can be red-assed and transfer that to his team they’re usually doing that at the top of a division. This Preds team will be a disappointment if it doesn’t come up with a parade in the next year or two, but that’s not enough to deem Lavvy a Moron.

Mike Yeo (STL) – Not A Moron But Only Barely

A lot of the esteem we have for our fellow cueball comes from the 2nd round in ’14, when Mike Yeo threw the kitchen sink at the Hawks with his outgunned Wild team. He trapped at times, he pushed full bore at times, and everything in between, sometimes period to period. The result was a far tougher six-game series for the Hawks than that Wild team should have ever mustered. But since then he’s seen the Wild tune him out, fire him, hire Gabby, and produce better regular season results than he ever did. He Brutus’d Ken Hitchcock’s Caesar in St. Louis but he hasn’t been able to get the Blues to stop Blues-ing. Missing the playoffs and keeping his job with that team is a neat trick though, and there’s only so much you can get out of Jay Gallon.

Pacific Division

Randy Carlyle (ANA) – MORON

He couldn’t make toast.

Rick Tocchet (AZ) – Moron

And Tocchet will give you 3-1 that Carlyle would fuck up the toast again.

Bill Peters (CGY) – Probably A Moron

Which is weird to say, because at times we’ve wondered if Stan Bowman ever dreamed of replacing Q with Peters. His Canes teams always were among the best possession teams in the league, so he must do something right. And yet they never came close to the playoffs, and now a gaggle of goalies have seen their careers turn into pulp in Raleigh so there must be something to the system he plays that does that as well. Until he actually sniffs the playoffs, he has to be a Moron. And Mike Smith is probably not going to get him into sniffing range.

Todd McLellan (EDM) – Not A Moron but barely

All of the blame can’t go to Peter Chiarelli for taking a team with clearly the best player on the planet and throwing it into the meat grinder. McLellan’s offensive system is pretty basic, and players get bored of it quickly. Yes, he’s got a roster that’s as seemly as a work by Picasso when he was on peyote, but the Oilers should play faster than they do. There’s only so much he could do with this, though.

John Stevens (LA) – Moron

I mean, does it matter? He’s slightly more exciting than Darryl Sutter I guess, but the Kings were still mind-numbingly boring and were fish guts for the Knights in the playoffs when the Kings tried to win every game 0-0. That’s the roster he has of course, which isn’t his fault. Also, the Flyers were mostly garbage when he was there, and then Laviolette took the same team much farther.

Travis Green (VAN) – Who Knows And Who Cares?

Honestly, do you ever think about this team any more? Did you know they still exist? It’s impossible to know anything about Travis Green, who couldn’t have a more generic name, considering the cat puke his GM keeps handing him. Buy this man a drink…and get his dog one too!

Gerard Gallant (VGK) – Not A Moron

He’s not a genius, as all he did with the Knights was copy what the Penguins had done the previous two years. But hey, few others did and look what happened. If you’re smart enough to be ahead of an admittedly moronic and wayward pack, that makes you Not A Moron. His Panthers teams were fine, too. The Knights are going to have a regression, probably a big one, but he wasn’t the one who handed Fleury that contract. Players seem to improve under him. That’s enough.

Everything Else

Our Should-Be World Famous GM Standings – Eastern Conference

By Sam Fels 1713 0

Let’s keep yesterday’s momentum rolling and move to the East:

Metro Division

Don Waddell (CAR) – Moron

Hardly seems fair as he only just got on the job. And that Dougie Hamilton trade is a good one. His desire to ship out Jeff Skinner probably isn’t. Not getting more of a sure thing in goal isn’t either. No pursuit of any offensive talent as well seems strange for a team that gets it in there less than a drunken teenager. But we have his tenure in Atlanta, and it didn’t come with a playoff win. What more do we need to say?

Jarmo Kekalainen (CBJ) – Moron

A bit harsh, as he’s built at least a decent, young team here and the Seth Jones deal is going to look genius in like three more years. And yet they have two playoff wins in a long time. They’ve never had a #1 center, and really without Sergei Bobrovsky they wouldn’t have a playoff appearance at all. Let’s say he’s a Moron but with a chance to change that very soon.

Ray Shero (NJ) – Not A Moron

Kind of an upset given how he mangled having Crosby and Malkin for so long. But he’s guided the Devils out from under the stench from past-it Lou Lamoriello, and turned the Devils into something you’d actually want to watch. Hell, he’d be on this list for Taylor Hall alone. They probably still need a whole new blue line, at least a top four, but it’s been way worse in the swamp. You needn’t look any farther than the other two teams in the Metropolitan New York area. Speaking of which…

Jeff Gorton (NYR) – Probably Not A Moron

We don’t know, because he was handed such a flaming dungheap from Glen Sather there isn’t much anyone could have done. They barfed up two playoff appearances for reasons no one can identify. His job would be easier if Henrik Lundqvist thought his marketing would be as good anywhere else but in NYC, but he doesn’t so what can you do? The Brassard trade was good, and the haul for Miller and McDonagh will do. Basically, he convinced an ownership and fanbase it was time to start over, and neither had ever showed the patience or stomach for that….well, ever. So that’s something. See what he does with it.

Lou Lamoriello (NYI) – Aged Moron

Wasn’t always this way, but definitely is now. The game has passed Lou by, he really did nothing in Toronto except the obvious of drafting Auston Matthews, while still diseasing the roster with Roman Polak and Leo Komarov and that ilk. He’s done even worse in NYI, where he watched Tavares walk and his only job was probably to convince him to stay. His name alone couldn’t do that. He’s then brought in Komarov and Matt Martin, which lets you know that senility has completely kicked in, and then complained everyone makes too much money like the cranky uncle who got into the gin at Thanksgiving. Except he’s running an NHL team. Just fold the Islanders and save everyone the trouble of caring. No one will notice.

Ron Hextall (PHI) – Moron Bordering On Not

Hexy has only had four seasons at the helm, but the Flyers have four playoff wins in that time. They have become younger and more dynamic, and if they take a step forward this season will blink on the “Not A” part of the sign. Konecny, Provorov, Patrick, Weal, Sanheim are all his picks and there are more on the way. It’s still the Flyers, which means they still need a goalie and will be until we find a wormhole where we can transit to somewhere we don’t have to hear about it anymore, but it’s getting there. But until the team takes the leap, you’re basically slightly more decorated Coyotes.

Jim Rutherford (PIT) – Moron With Rings

Sorry, I can’t do anything else. A first-rounder for Ryan Reaves makes my whole case. Yes, repeat champs with the Penguins but mostly with pieces he didn’t draft or get. No player he’s drafted has made an impact for the Penguins. Trevor Daley sucks and I don’t care what anyone says. The Phil Kessel deal worked out…and there have been some signings that came up trumps. Yes, there’s also the Cup in 2006, but that was based on weirdness of the entire league. I’m not even sure it happened. Again, first-rounder for Ryan Reaves (wipes hands, gets up from table and leaves).

Brian McClellan (WSH) – Not A Moron

I mean, I guess he has to be. They’ve won the division three times and finished second the other time in his tenure. They now have a Cup. The Oshie trade worked out, though that contract is still way dumb. Vrana is his only pick to contribute, but he’s only been at the back of the draft. The Carlson contract is dumb too but there was little choice it seemed. He’s brought in Eller, Niskanen, Connolly, and one or two others. He’s mostly playing with found gold, but he added to it enough we’ll let him pass through our very stern gates.

Atlantic Division

Don Sweeney (BOS) – Moron

The Dougie Hamilton trade v1 would be enough to state my case here. Trading for Rick Nash would be another cudgel that by itself I could use to beat him into the Moron category. There are some picks here, and canning Claude Julien should get some play as well. But most of this was here when he got there. Again, Hamilton and Nash. And McAvoy’s moon-faced ass is gonna flatline before too long.

Jason Botterill (BUF) – INC

Only been a year, so we’ll see where this goes.

Ken Holland (DET) – Perhaps The Luckiest Moron Ever

He’s got four rings and I have to call this like everyone sees it now. Since the cap came in Holland has been exposed as a very tan doofus who just rolled sevens with some late round picks that turned into Hall of Famers. The Wings needed to blow it up three years before they did, and now it’s not even clear their rebuild has a foundation. Even with decent picks, his last five drafts have produced Dylan Larkin and…Dylan Larkin. You can throw in Anthony Mantha and Andreas Anathasiou from the past seven drafts, and the latter they nearly fumbled away to the KHL because they ran out of money to pay him while hurling sacks marked “$” at luminaries like Mike Green, Trevor Daley, Justin Abdelkader, Frans Nielsen, and I assume still Todd Bertuzzi they just haven’t told anyone yet. Only in the NHL can a GM have as much jewelry as Holland does and we can safely say he has no idea what he’s doing.

Dale Tallon (FLA) – Moron

This hurts. He did construct the Hawks team of our lives, but see Holland, Ken. His tenure with the Panthers has been spotty at best, and his determination to undue everything GROSS NERDS did in Florida landed a conference championship in Vegas. The Panthers have yet to win a playoff series, and while they’ve had a “nice, young core (TM)” for years it really hasn’t moved forward in any way. At some point when you have Barkov, Huberdeau, Trocheck, and Ekblad, you have to DO SOMETHING. Missing the playoffs regularly is not that.

Marc Bergevin (MTL) – MORON

The Joel Quenneville coaching and management tree…IT’S FANTASTIC!

Pierre Dorion (OTT) – Moron

Do we even have to? Good.

Steve Yzerman (TB Diddler’s) – Not A Moron

This pains any Hawks fan to say, but we merely have to look at the results. He’s no genius, as the multiple contracts given to Braydon Coburn and the ones handed to Dan Girardi and Jason Garrison attest. But he’s built and kept that team together, even though there’s been a cap hell forecast for them for like three years now. Look at the other team from the ’15 Final and see who recovered from it better. Sure, Florida’s lack of state-income tax has helped, but they’re not the only state with that and yet he’s the only one been able to bend that into a feature. Jim Nill probably can’t even spell “income tax.”

Kyle Dubas (TOR) – Jury’s Out

Being a rape-apologist doesn’t help, but he’s only had the job a few months and before we know he was locked in a closet so Lou didn’t have to look at him. Signing the biggest free agent in years doesn’t take a genius, though the way the deal is structured is pretty creative. Getting Matt Martin off the books is a positive sign. If he solves their blue line problem, we’ll label him on the good side.

Everything Else

Our Should-Be World Famous Binary GM Standings – Western Conference

By Sam Fels 2013 0

If you’re a fan of the podcast, and we know some of you are even though you can’t publicly admit it for fear of  being ostracized/culled from society, you probably know that because hockey is so weird and silly we simply rate GMs and coaches by a simple, binary Moron/Not A Moron system. It’s clearly folly to try and rank them, or make anyone a genius, or make anyone a total, blithering idiot (though they might all be) because there’s so much luck involved, so much is pinned on the goalie they have or don’t have, and the cap system is just so punishing.

But because we’re running out the clock here until August when we go to figurative cottage, and mostly the free agency period has shaken out, perhaps it’s finally time to go through all the GMs and coaches and give our definitive Moron/Not A Moron say-so. So today we start with the Western Conference GMs.

Central Division

Stan Bowman – Not A Moron

Hometown bias sure, and recent seasons are pushing him toward the threshold a bit, but this is still a guy who boasts three rings (even if it’s with a core that isn’t his). He can still claim to be a good drafter, as even on the current team Schmaltz, Saad and DeBrincat are not only on the roster but major contributors, Jokiharju could be, Forsling (yes, a trade) still has hope, and departed players like Danault, Teuvo, and Johns are genuine NHL contributors. It might not be enough to save his job past this season, but he at least does one or two things well enough that he can cross the barrier.

Joe Sakic – Quite Possibly Not A Moron

Two years ago we would have said he’s definitely a moron. But then he launched Patrick Roy, and there appeared to be a plan in place for the first time. He got a decent haul for Matt Duchene, who might not be anything more than a really good #2 center or #1 left-wing, as Girard and Kamenev are very promising. He’s drafted MacKinnon, Jost, and Rantanen, though the rest of his drafts are shaky at best. The Grubauer trade looks to be all right. I’m going to leave him in the middle for now and see how this season goes.

Jim Nill – Moron

He wins every offseason, and the Stars have made the playoffs twice in six seasons. Sure, he was able to fleece the Bruins out of Tyler Seguin. Even the sun shines on a dog’s ass once a day. He’s utterly borked their goaltending for years. And Ben Bishop is no answer either. His drafts have produced Nichushkin, who fucked off for a couple seasons, and Julius Honka. He had a Karlsson trade and ruined it by telling everyone how much he was getting one over the Senators. He handed that contract to Martin Hanzal who has all the mobility of the DMV. This team has been one line and a comedy act for like four seasons. What was your favorite part of the second Ken Hitchcock era?

Paul Fenton – Incomplete

We don’t know yet, but he’s been handed an expensive mess by his predecessor Chuck Fletcher, who was definitely a moron as he’s trotted out Mikko Koivu as a #2 center for at least five years too long. All he’s really done is hand Matthew Dumba a kind-of-ok contract.

David Poile – Not A Moron, But Ignorantly Evil

He’s been around so long he has enough on the ledger to erase a first-rounder for Paul Fucking Gaustad. He’s assembled a couple different competitive Predators teams, and yet he’s still the same guy who re-signed and championed Mike Ribeiro and now has Zac Rinaldo there. Wait to see what he does with Austin Watson if you really want to see what he’s about.  The Turris trade isn’t good but there are enough picks and trades here that you have to say he’s Not A Moron. Getting Subban almost puts him there alone. That contract to Ryan Johansen is going to look Python-esque soon enough, and this team still doesn’t really have top line talent other than Forsberg, but the record is the record.

Doug Armstrong – Moron

The thing is with Armstrong, most of his moves I agree with when they happen. He held on to Ken Hitchcock too long, and the whole transition to Mike Yeo was mangled like a banana republic, and yet there’s plenty of talent here. But the insistence on shoving Jake Allen onto the Blues like he’s Roman Reigns even though he’s never proven he can carry anything, and the sticking with a blue line that is too slow and too ham-handed always limits where they can go. And this is the Blues after all.

Kevin Chevyldayoff – Not A Moron

We would have said Moron until this year, but look at this team and he finally had Hellebuyck come through to save it all. The drafting record is pretty solid, and we’ll see how he handles the cap hell that’s coming, but there are just too many good players here to label him anything else.

Pacific Division

Bob Murray – I Can’t Believe He’s Not A Moron

I still see his face in my nightmares when he was announcing the Jeremy Roenick trade, and his tenure in Chicago will always cause me to make a face like I just smelled a hot spring. And the bile I carry for the Ducks didn’t help. And yet the Ducks have made the playoffs eight of the ten years he’s been there. The Kesler contract is utterly hilarious, of course. And yet he’s brought in a raft of good, young players over the years. While Getzlaf and especially Perry are turning odd colors in the sun, they finished second in an admittedly woeful division next year before falling flat on their face. He’s close, and it’s all about to fall apart you hope, but the record is what it is.

John Chayka – Moron

He’s a computer boy, and I want to root for him, but at some point don’t the Coyotes have to actually matter? The Domi-for-Galchenyuk trade is great if they can get the ladder to pick his head up. Getting actual pieces for just taking Hossa’s contract is smart. But this team always sucks. And it has Rick Tocchet as coach. And for all the high draft picks they’ve boasted, where’s the guy you’re getting really excited about? Clayton Keller and whichever Strome they have? That’s not enough considering how long they’ve been in the shitter. If you’re going to be Hockey Billy Beane you eventually have to be good.

Brad Treviling – Moron

He traded Dougie Hamilton, probably one of the five best d-men on the planet, because he liked to go to museums. I don’t think I have to say much more.

Peter Chiarelli – Moron

The trade is one-for-one…

Rob Blake – Moron

To be fair, there isn’t much of a track record on him yet, as he’s only had one season at the helm. But we can tell where he’s going, and handing a bunch of money to 35-year-old Ilya Kovalchuk is not a good start. He also traded for Dion Phaneuf, who was never good and the only reason anyone thought he was is because he’s got “HOCKEY FACE” and his wife is hot and Canadian as well. That goes miles with Canadian media. If any player had married Shania Twain or Nelly Furtado they would have won six consecutive Hart Trophies, no questions asked.

Doug Wilson – Not A Moron, And Handsome!

The Sharks are always there, and though they’re old and kind of just there now they’re still there. Sure, he changes all the names of their prospects to something ridiculous just like the St. Louis Cardinals do, but even though all their good players are over 30 they’re still somehow the favorite in the Pacific. They’ll probably never win it, and they’ve basically existed to play the losing foil to a better team, but you go this long and remain around the fringes you’re doing something right.

Jim Benning – “Benning” Actually Means Moron

No need to go any further here.

George McPhee – Sadly, Not A Moron

This is still a guy who punched an opposing coach over a preseason game, which in any other sport would see you banished for life. In hockey it gets you a beer from Steve Simmons or something. While the luck was overflowing with the Knights last year, this is still a guy who caught onto a trend most of his colleagues haven’t and packed the team with speed and told them to play a system that got it the fuck up there. He also didn’t go all-in and mortgage the future on what is a team that will probably take a few years to get back where it was, and the Stastny contract is fine. He also has the Caps years to his credit, though they always fell short and his handling of coaches was beautifully idiotic. He’s not going to get 40 goals from Wild Bill Again, and the Fleury contract will not only bite him in the ass but devour it entirely soon. But they have so much cap space they can probably get away with it. We’ll come back to this when more of his draft picks and signings are on the docket.

 

Everything Else

Cheli Comes Home

By Sam Fels 3787 0

A lot of us can trace how we’ve “grown up” in our feelings toward Chris Chelios.

Earlier today, it was announced that Chris Chelios will become a team ambassador for the Hawks, leaving the Detroit Red Wings as he wanted to be closer to his family here in the area. That will make him the only team ambassador who can stand up 75% of the time and isn’t a total, raging piece of shit (though Chelios might be kind of a piece of shit but we’ll leave that for another time).

Chelios’s journey in the hearts of Hawks fans actually ends up being one of the stranger ones I can remember. Cheli was beloved here in Chicago for not only being the greatest Hawks d-man of all-time (and he is, at least until Duncan Keith retires), but by essentially being one of us. He was from here. He grew up in the old Stadium just like we did. He played like 75% of the crowd at the old Stadium would have if you’d tossed a jersey and pads on them and let them on the bench: completely unhinged, like every shift very well might be the last, and completely in the face of every opponent. Chelios was just about the toughest d-man you could find, and was simply a torture rack for any forward who came across him in the corner or in front of the net. But he was so much more than an over-caffeinated security guard. He had a hell of a shot, was a decent passer, and could get up on the play. He could do anything, really.  His pairing with fellow Yank Gary Suter was probably the best Hawks defensive pairing until Keith and Seabrook showed up. They were also major parts of the US’s World Cup victory in ’96 in Montreal.

And Chelios found himself more in the hearts of Hawks fans because he wore his distaste for the Red Wings, Blues, and North Stars on his sleeve. Sometimes to his detriment of course, because Chelios was leading the idiotic charge against the Stars in ’91 when the Presidents’ Trophy winning Hawks were too stupid to live and somehow lost to the woeful opponents from Minnesota, with dumb Chelios penalty after dumb Chelios penalty (he racked up 46 PIMs in six games, for fuck’s sake). Chelios even went on to declare he would never play for the Red Wings. Those kinds of meltdowns were common, like ’93 against St. Louis for another example.

Of course, all those things changed when the Hawks did their head-first dive into the league’s septic tank. Chelios had already seen Roenick and Belfour get shipped off for a drunk and garbage disposal run-off, and it was clear where things were headed for him. Back then players couldn’t wield much control, and the Wings were the only team that came in with an offer. That offer was Anders Eriksson and two first rounders that became Steve McCarthy and Adam Munro, and if you don’t mind I’m going to take five minutes to punch myself in the face until my nose and brain become one.

Chelios would actually spend longer in Detroit than he did in Chicago, and Hawks fans didn’t seem to want to forgive him for it for the longest time. Then again those last few years he wasn’t much more than a very slash-y, cross check-y mascot for the Wings, but it stung. I admit to being enraged when he brought the Cup to Wrigley Field during the summer of 2008. Where did he get off? Was he just rubbing our noses in it?

But this was his home. Where else was he going to bring it? Really what I was pissed at is it still felt then like I might not ever see the Cup in Chicago for the right reasons.

Were really pissed at him? Or were we pissed that yet another Hawks hero had to find success somewhere else because the Hawks were simply just too incompetent? Were we just angry that what should have happened here with a player who wanted it as badly as anyone to happen here had to happen somewhere else? My hunch is it’s more the latter.

I don’t think I’m alone when I say my moment of clarity came when he had his Heritage Night. The boos still rang out for him, because he was still identified as a Wing. But you could tell it hurt him. You could tell he thought it was time to let go. And you know… it was. And is.

Chris Chelios loved being a Hawk. He did everything he could for an organization that quite simply didn’t deserve him as a player. And he only decided to leave when it became beyond obvious it was going to be futile from there on out. He didn’t force a trade to the Red Wings. That’s just where he was sent.

Chelios isn’t without black marks. He has that DUI from 2009 (though with the Hawks that makes you head coach material). He was one of the members of the US team that destroyed their rooms in the Olympic Village in 1998 when they turned to shit in the tournament. There’s probably one or two others.

He’s also no worse than the second-best player to man the blue line for the Hawks. He was a celebrated captain. When it comes to native Chicagoans to play for the Hawks, his accomplishments and importance simply dwarf Eddie Olczyk’s. On some really, really good Hawks teams in the early and mid-90s, he was clearly the heartbeat. Really, Brent Seabrook shouldn’t be wearing #7 because it should be hanging from the rafters. It may yet still, with the two of them claiming it.

But it doesn’t, mostly for reasons out of Chelios’s hands. It wasn’t his fault that the organization became a cartoonish heel towards its fans and players (though I guess he can take a little responsibility in those teams from ’91-’95 not winning. Not ’96, when the team doctors numbed his whole leg and nuts before the critical Game 4 against the Avs and he couldn’t play. Had he played, the Hawks very well might have won that and taken a 3-1 lead and then who knows?). It wasn’t his fault he got shipped off to our most hated rival, who just happened to be one of the greatest teams the league had ever seen at that point. It wasn’t his fault that the Wings treated him as the Hawks should have. And it’s not his fault that the jealousy and bile Hawks fans carried against Detroit for so long was taken out against him.

None of that matters now. And it’s not like team ambassador is an important position. But Chelios is back where he’s always belonged. It should have never taken this long. It probably should have never happened at all this way.

Everything Else

A Show About Nothing

By Rose Rankin 2491 0

So this is a serious question: have you ever attended a Blackhawks Convention, and if so, why? (OK, that was actually two questions but don’t be like that.) Personally I’ve never gone, and I ask because these types of choreographed interactions with autograph signings and Q&A sessions and whatnot generally make me cringe. Plus given my misanthropic tendencies, I usually end up hating public figures (and people in general) once I actually meet them.

Yet this multi-day event has become a staple in the McDonough-Rocky era, and thanks to the former half of that duo it’s a fixture of the Chicago sports scene (can you believe the White Sox do one of these things? I’m a lifelong fan but I would rather eat glass than sit through their attempts to be as popular and loved as the Cubs.) So as it approaches—and the reality draws near of my walk to work getting complicated by there being even more people stumbling down Michigan Avenue without paying attention—I’m curious what fans get out of it, and for that matter, what the team will get out of it.

The corpse of Corey Crawford

The Convention is supposed to be the big reveal that Crawford is in fact not dead! That’s what Stan and the rest of the brass kept saying—he’d be there at the Convention. Which begs a couple questions: first of all, will he actually attend? One would think at this point he’ll have to, regardless of what his actual health is like, because if he’s a no-show, the media and fans who are still paying attention will collectively lose their shit at the realization that Cam Ward is definitely the starter. If they have to go full-on Weekend at Bernie’s with his ass, I’m pretty sure at this point they’d do it.

Second, will he field real questions from fans? Part of why I ask is that I’ve never attended so I don’t actually know how vetted and choreographed any parts of the event really are, but given this team’s penchant for non-speak, I highly doubt they’ll let any meathead fan ask an unplanned, anything-besides-a-softball question, even if it’s as simple as “Hey Corey, is your concussion better?”

So if Crawford will mostly smile, sign autographs and give bland platitudes to the organ-I-zation for sticking by him during his recovery, this big reveal will be the exact opposite—it will answer nothing, nor give fans who parted with hard-earned money any real reassurance that the most important player is functional.

Celebrities…they’re just like us

Is this why people go? Is it to hear Jonathan Toews and Patrick Kane pretend to joke around and act like they like each other? Does Duncan Keith have to do any talking? I feel like he would be so awkward at one of those things, and I certainly don’t blame him. Brent Seabrook is not listed as an attendee, which will hopefully fuel some wild speculation. In reality it’s probably because he made a prior commitment to take up residence at a King of Donair or destroy an all-you-can-eat buffet somewhere in Canada.

And what about the coaches and management? Again, these guys talk but never say anything, so what are they going to do to fill the time? My guess is they’ll trot out the same tired lines about “we’re expecting deez guys here to step up and have a big year” and “we’re pleased with the young talent we drafted” and blah blah blah.

I know McDonough values nothing more than the slick marketing ploy and some carefully crafted messaging, but as we’ve covered, the lack of information about the Crawford’s health, the rebuild on the fly vs. win-right-now strategy, why they couldn’t get Hossa’s contract off the books before July 1 and maybe have been positioned to take advantage of free agency—really anything of substance—makes it seem like this Convention is going to be just another time that management passes on an opportunity to connect with fans or media on any meaningful level, especially since, as we’ve determined, they don’t really have to.

Along those lines, I’m not saying Bowman or anyone else should give away any deal that may be in the works. And I don’t think Q will suddenly divulge that he’s going to maroon Top Cat on the third line again just because he’s a crusty asshole who makes crazy lineup decisions. But if they’re not going to say anything and don’t have to, why sit through these events?

Has-been or never was?

Does anyone really care to meet Ben Eager or Colin Fraser now? I certainly hope not. It appears that John Scott will be there too, just as a reminder that sometimes some lucky bastard gets way more out of life than he or she brought to the table, because the universe makes no sense.

And there will be yoga…that’s right, Hawks fans dedicated enough to attend this bullshit-filled marketing stunt…in yoga pants.

Alright, enough snark from me. It may not be my thing but hey, have a good time if you’re going. Just stay the fuck out of the way when you wander north on Michigan.

Photo credit: NBC Sports

 

Everything Else

A Restless Fourth Estate

By Sam Fels 2973 0

One day soon, I’d love to see Stan Bowman say he’s going to meet with the media and no one show up. I think both sides would probably be happier that way. He never says anything, so the media doesn’t get much to write about. And he clearly doesn’t enjoy talking to them. This is a loveless marriage where they just show up to see their talentless kid’s recital and spend the whole thing loudly exhaling, wondering how things turned out this way.

So after Day 2 of Prospects Camp, Bowman met the media yesterday and said nothing. Yes, the Hawks have more cap space, but he may or may not use it. He may be looking for another d-man, but he may not be. They may add to the team, but he might not as well. Maybe, maybe not, maybe fuck yourself. This is basically all you get from Stan ever.

And clearly some of the beats are getting a little agitated, though you can see the frustration. There’s only so many words you’re going to get out of Cam Ward, Brandon Manning, and Chris Kunitz, and all the people yelling at you on Twitter don’t know who those people are anyway. So you get this from Mark Lazerus. Or this from Scott Powers. Or maybe this from the irredeemably handsome Jay Zawaski.

And all of it seems to suggest that the Hawks don’t have a direction, or a plan, or if they do they’re not saying anything. And we’ll never know because they won’t say anything ever.

But here’s the thing, and we’ve been over this before, there’s really no reason for them to.

I know we live in a town where both baseball teams have now been as transparent as can be, and it would be awesome to be in a world where every team does that. But when you’re about to embark on a full blown tear-down and rebuild, it’s easy to be transparent. Both the Cubs and Sox had been utterly useless for years before they decided to blow it all up. It was obvious what they had to do. Everyone knew it. Once you trade one aging star with an expiring contract, even if you haven’t said anything the cat’s out of the bag and it’s clear the rest will go.

And you’re prepping your fanbase that way. You’re saying it’s going to be rough, please stick with us and keep buying tickets and we promise it’ll pay off. Chances are you’ve already stopped selling as many tickets, or any in the Sox case, and you’re basically just trying to cauterize that  wound.

The Hawks aren’t in the same place. They’re not doing a full rebuild, and we’ve been over why they can’t. It really wouldn’t do Stan any good to say to the assembled media, “Well I’m going home every night and lighting a candle in my Justin Faulk shrine and then doing a seance hoping to force  Don Waddell to fall down and hit his head on a fire hydrant on the way to work and gives me him and Skinner for Artem Anisimov and the Other Sikura.” (side note: Waddell might be this dumb anyway but we’ll find out) While those on the inside know what the Hawks are looking for, publicly declaring it only erodes leverage.

Secondly, at least not yet, the Hawks haven’t stopped selling tickets. The TV numbers might be down, but the tickets haven’t gone that way. Yet. While they may have done some padding to keep their beloved sellout streak alive, they’re still at or near capacity every night. But it’s a fragile hold. Declaring “we’re gonna be THE SUCK for a bit while we groom these kids” is going to erode that unstable foundation of fans in a hurry. The Hawks might get there anyway by New Year’s Day if they start at .500 again or worse, but they have to salvage what they can.

Thirdly, Stan can’t declare that he isn’t satisfied with his roster because what does that tell the players who show up at camp right now? What’s that motivational speech on the first day? “Well guys, here we are, I wanted to add to this misshapen dreck but couldn’t and I really don’t think you’re going to the playoffs unless God miracles your ass there, so now give us everything you got!”

Honestly, I don’t think the veterans on this team are stupid enough to not see what’s going on here, but they don’t want their GM shitting on it, too.

I don’t want to be seen to be a staunch Stan defender, though I am a defender. He’s made his mistakes, and lord knows we’ve cataloged all of them here repeatedly. But when it comes to this, even though he’s bad at talking, I don’t really know what he’s supposed to say. If he comes right out and says, “We’re looking for another d-man because our blue line currently resembles upchucked Fruit Loops, but for the right price,” and then doesn’t get one, he still gets pilloried. It looks like he’s afraid to pull the trigger.

The other problem for Stan is that when you’re a mediocre team, you have no strength to trade from. What’s the surplus on the Hawks right now? It’s not d-men. It’s not centers. It may have been shifty, fast forwards who might be middle six guys but they just traded the one they had to lose to also lose Hossa’s contract. They can’t lose Schmaltz. They can’t lose DeBrincat. They can’t really lose Saad unless it’s a knockout deal, because that would just be running in place. Now, that erosion of a reservoir of talent is on Stan, at least to a point. This again, is where losing Johns and Teuvo for literally nothing is so detrimental, Because now you don’t have anything to trade for what you need. I’d throw Danault on the list, but he was at least flogged for what the Hawks thought would be something. If you had those three players now and not enough spots to go around, you best believe you could put a package together for Faulk or even Karlsson.

That’s the problem for NHL GMs. While they’re overwhelmingly made up of morons, nincompoops, and ignoramuses (ignorami?), they have no margin for error. There’s only two trades in there that Stan had to make to lose a contract, and now he has no flexibility. So I don’t know what good talking about it would do.

Everything Else

The Comfort Or Punishment Of Anonymity

By Sam Fels 2191 0

As the Hawks’ prospects continue to toil in the West Side heat, and I assume beg adults to buy them beer back at the hotel at night, I am left to wonder what could happen with the Hawks both on and off the ice when the season starts. And I wonder what the effect of having it happen totally in the dark in the Chicago sports scene will be.

One of the things that broke the Hawks’ way, and something that had nothing to do with John McDonough and Rocky Wirtz, is that their rise from hockey purgatory to the aristocracy was perfectly timed with the collapse of the rest of the Chicago sports scene. The ’08-’09 season started just days after both the White Sox and Cubs ate it in the Division Series (the Cubs much more spectacularly than the Sox), and neither would even come close to a playoff spot for another seven seasons. Well, actually, the Sox came within three games in 2012 but you didn’t know that because no one went and no one cared. TELL ME I’M WRONG FIFTH FEATHER.

To go along with that, the city’s juggernaut, the Bears, have only made one playoff appearance in this Hawks’ era. Sure, the end of the ’08-’09 season saw the Bears trade for Jay Cutler, and at the time that was a far bigger story than the Hawks ever produced (which might be why he dropped the puck at Game 1 that year). But the Lovie doldrums persisted, and we know what happened after that. The Bulls spasmed one conference final run, where it was promptly snuffed out as soon as LeBron started guarding Derrick Rose. The Cubs run started just at the end of the last Hawks’ championship. Quite simply, for more years than you can believe now, the Hawks had the stage to themselves. They were the only story in a city that had been starved for championships…because the Sox one doesn’t count, obviously. Nor did it ever happen.

That won’t be the case this year. The Bears, whatever they’re going to be, are going to be awfully interesting and awfully watched. The Cubs likely have a fourth-straight October to navigate. Even the Bulls, who will still suck most likely, have done SOMETHING this summer, even if signing Zach Lavine is a touch weird for that money and Jabari Parker might have one knee. It’s something they can push when the season opens. There are new toys to at least carry some novelty.

So even if the Hawks were to start say, 3-7-1, the front pages of the various sports sections and sites around town aren’t going to be adorned with a picture of Quenneville looking bemused with a headline like, “There Is No Joy In Quenneville.’ (Like they’d ever come up with something that creative!) Columnists around town, even if the collection of them would struggle to define what offsides in hockey is, are not going be penning a host of works calling for massive changes. They’ll be focusing on one out pattern MITCH BETTAH HAVE MY MONEY threw against the Lions. The external pressure, other than from impatient fans in the building–and even that’s questionable given how many sell their tickets early in the season–and the yappy construction workers that act as McD’s focus group, is just not going to be there.

Which leads me to wonder if that’s a comfort or an annoyance for the Hawks. No question they loved the spotlight. But given the iffy decisions of late and some of the facade of what they are falling down around them, do they enjoy the darkness? The lack of scrutiny? Would they want real questions being asked?

Or would the lack of attention really bother them? Would they do something–firing Q or a big trade or something of that ilk–to try and get the lights back on however much they could? Would they abandon whatever plan they have if they felt they had fallen too far back in the consciousness?

One way or another, we’re going to find out what kind of hockey town they’ve actually created here, and how they feel about it when we do.

Everything Else

The More You Think About It, The More Joel Quenneville Is Doomed

By Sam Fels 3017 0

I know the folly of taking the Hawks at their word. Their pronouncements from on-high have gotten weirder and less sensical as the team’s fortunes have slipped, and even more so now that less and less people are paying any attention. This is an organization that still considers itself the cream of the NHL, and yet when it came time for the most coveted free agent in recent history to hit the market the Hawks weren’t anywhere close. To be fair, John Tavares wasn’t ever going to sign with the Hawks over the Leafs, if only on emotional reasons, but for the Hawks to not even to be in the room says a lot. And whether they’ll tell you this or not, they missed out on other targets too, though as we know the rest of those targets sucked and maybe the Hawks are lucky they didn’t have the cap space or the attraction. Ian Cole was not going to make you run to the closet and sweat through the beloved sweater in July in pride, to be sure.

Still, if we take the Hawks at anything resembling face value on what they say, which is that they will ring the changes if the Hawks don’t bounce back from last season’s what-have-ya, then it’s hard to see how Quenneville is going to survive the season. Again, that’s if you take them at face value, and I’m not here to tell you that you should.

While McDonough and Rocky have hit all the notes about last season being unacceptable, along with Stan Bowman, and McDonough has pulled his noted and solo trick of bullying his employees to let everyone know just how very red and angry he is, Stan Bowman has continued along a path of a “rebuild on the fly.” All of his quotes about what the Hawks are doing at least reference keeping powder dry for next contracts to Schmaltz and DeBrincat, and what he hopes for Sikura and Ejdsell and whoever else. He continues to push Forsling as a solution on the blue line, and as you saw at the draft they took the biggest project–though most talented player– available at that spot. The Hawks have steadfastly refused to discuss Saad or Schmaltz in a trade, keeping an eye on two or three years down the road when those players have to do the heavy lifting. Either they can’t and the Hawks will suck or they become something more and the Hawks will…only kind of suck.

Everything that’s been done has been with an eye on the future. You wouldn’t do that unless you had assurances from the higher-ups that you’ll be able to see the plan through, whatever that plan might be. If a GM was trying to sit on two chairs at once, building a team to at least be competitive if everything broke right at the moment while maintaining players and hope for the future, any team that fired said GM and brought in someone else to either tear it all up or carry out the same vision with a different set of eyes would be a team that didn’t actually have a plan or organization. That very well could be the Hawks, but they at least want you to think it’s not them.

Let’s put it this way, a GM truly on the hot seat and having his job dependent on what happens this year, and maybe even just the first half of this year, would probably act with just a touch more urgency than Cam Ward, Chris Kunitz, and Brandon Manning. Just a hunch.

So where does that leave Quenneville? We know the easiest lever to pull for any organization when things go pear-shaped is to fire the coach. Rarely does it have a huge effect, though there are examples of that, but it shows you’re doing SOMETHING. Even with a coach who draws as much water as Q. Sometimes it’s just rearranging the chairs, but sometimes it provides a lift to the players who can at least hear something different when they arrive at work.

And really, what’s Q going to do here? You forget that even before Corey Crawford went down last year, the Hawks were clinging to the last playoff spot or even the chase for that like it was a tiny crimp. They were barely .500. On Dec. 22nd, they were 17-12-5, tied with Calgary for the last playoff spot and fifth in the division. A juggernaut this was not. So if we get to Christmas again, even with a healthy Corey Crawford and one who can put up THOSE numbers after missing half of a season, and that’s where the Hawks are again is that enough? Barely scraping for the last playoff spot? You wouldn’t think so. And they could be worse than that. I can sit here and say right now there are three teams in the Central assuredly better than they are right now, and Colorado, Minnesota, and Dallas could very well be and the first two finished miles ahead of them last year. Even if the Hawks were running 4th in the Central at Christmas next season but entrenched in a wild card spot, is that enough? Is “wild card” synonymous with “One Goal?” It’s an improvement, barely, but it’s not a resurgence.

I mean… I guess the team ahead of Crawford is a little better than last year’s? It is if Schmaltz and DeBrincat take a step forward (and are deployed correctly). It is if Dylan Sikura is something more than just getting to play with Adam Gaudette in college, and/or EggShell’s AHL playoff performance portends to something more. It is if Brandon Manning isn’t just a thug, and if the Hawks can finally conjure something from Gustav Forsling or fit Jokiharju on the roster. But again, that’s a lot of ifs.

What’s more likely, all that happens or Jonathan Toews’s aging curve continues the wrong way, as does Duncan Keith’s? Brent Seabrook continues to move around like Pizza The Hut? Forsling and Gustafsson prove to be nothing more than third-pairing bum-slayers and Q doesn’t find room for Jokiharju and he gets sent back to Portland? Sikura has a rough rookie season? And most of all Crawford isn’t Crawford, or isn’t even there?

You know which is more likely, even if only 50% of it happens. So either the Hawks mean what they say, and Q is out on his ass before 2019 hits, or they’re just whistling dixie, Jerry Angelo.

It wouldn’t be much of a hit anymore. A mid-season whacking (and who doesn’t love a good mid-season whacking?) would only see Q on the books for another season and a half, and that’s something an organization constantly in the mood to tell you they’re still not profitable would consider, especially when it’s the highest paid coach in the league.

Basically, we’ll know if the Hawks mean what they say come the Holidays, or it’s likely that we will.

Everything Else

Friday Foofaraw: World Cup Final Preview

By Sam Fels 1758 0

In case you’re curious, that top photo is for a close friend whose favorite player was Croatian legend Alen Boksic. 

The weird thing about World Cups is that unless you’re a fan of the two countries participating, the final comes as something of an afterthought. Or the feeling of finally being put out of your misery pervades. There’s been multiple football matches on every day for two weeks or so, when you’re used to the pace of just twice a week during the domestic season of your choosing. Even after the group stage and first knockout round are completed, there’s still pretty much a match on every day except for a day off here and there for yet another week. By the time we get to the sharp end to crown someone which was the whole point, you’re exhausted, kind of just want it to be over so you can get in a few weeks of not watching soccer at all before the European season kicks off again in early August (sorry MLS, but who are we kidding?)

Croatia and France will bring this tournament to a close, a tournament that’s actually been one of the more entertaining major ones in a while. There have been a ton of great games, captivating stories, upsets, and now we do have two worthy finalists. Yes, Croatia may be small but it’s still boasting possibly the best midfield in this tournament, and if it isn’t then France probably is.

There are two problems going into Sunday, though. One, World Cup Finals are usually just dire occasions. Germany-Argentina was a slog until Higuain missed and Goetze didn’t. Spain and Holland may have been even worse, and that involved perhaps the greatest international side of all-time. Italy-France started off well but then devolved into trench warfare, pretty much literally in Zinedine Zidane’s case. Brazil-Germany took place at 6am and I had been drinking until 4 in Boston the night before so I couldn’t even really tell you what happened, and that Germany squad was utterly awful. France-Brazil was fun only because Ronaldo may have in fact been replaced by a cyborg with faulty wiring by Nike the night before the match. Quite simply, the sheer enormity of the occasion almost always gets the better of the match. This is the only match that players of this quality know they get to play in exactly once in their entire careers. Everyone in the world is watching. It’s too much.

Secondly, it’s a real mystery if anyone on the Croatian side can stand up for 90 minutes now. They’ve played an entire extra match in the most high-pressure situation thanks to three straight extra-times. The World Cup requires seven matches in a month, which is a lot for even these guys, and now Croatia have crammed in an eighth, or a fifth in just two weeks basically. It’s not ideal. This makes England’s capitulation al the more infuriating, though with Alli and Kane barely half-fit it was always on the cards and THAT’S NOT WHY YOU CALLED.

Even if fully fit, France come equipped with the players to finally shackle Ivan Rakitic and Luka Modric, which no side has been able to do yet. N’Golo Kante basically eats the entire middle of a midfield every game, and if Didier Deschamps didn’t huff too much glue before this one he could deploy Tolisso to do even more so and leave Modric and Rakitic with no space or time. Do that and this Croatia side lacks inspiration. Those two have also played every goddamn minute of this run for the Croats, so how much can they possibly have left?

Croatia also hasn’t seen anything like the mutant Kylian Mbappe during their run, as England, Russia, and Denmark simply don’t have anything like it. Given Dejan Lovren’s habit of chasing every ball in the air (believe me I know) and leaving space in behind him, Mbappe could simply destroy Croatia from there. So could Griezmann if Giroud can occupy the centerbacks. It’s scary to think about.

The other thing about France is the nexus of Kante, Varane, and Umtiti has basically been impenetrable. They suffocated one of the most talented teams here in Belgium last round, and while Argentina spasmed a couple goals out of nowhere, it’s not like they were raining down.

Still, this is France. They were miles better than Portugal on paper and playing at home two years ago, and barfed up their eclairs all over themselves to let a joyless, hobo-laden squad without Cristiano Ronaldo walk off with the European championship. This Croatia side is better than that, assuming they’re not all dead, so if France freeze in the bright lights again there’s more than enough here to pick them off.

Also, Paul Pogba looks exactly like Velveteen Dream and I can’t look at him the same way ever again.