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Their Emblems Built of Garbage – ’18–’19 Blackhawks Player Previews – Marcus Kruger

By John Pullega September 21, 2018 2493 0

Kruger is only one season removed from being the firefighter you remember here, and we know that Q knows exactly what he is. Let’s say he’s an improvement on David Kampf. And he only has one year on his deal, so if he’s another charred remains of a beloved warrior of victories past, well whatever. . . . At this point in his career if Kruger matters too much you’re fucking sunk. –Sam Fels, July 12, 2018.

Well shit.

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Preseason #2 Nothing to See Here — Hawks 2, Red Wings 4

By Rose Rankin September 20, 2018 1673 0

There really wasn’t much of note but we should get used to that, right? Tonight’s cast was two lines and a bunch of no-names (or laughable names, in some cases). Let’s do this:

Box Score

–The second line of Saad-Schmaltz-Kane looked pretty dreamy. They scored the first goal but prior to that had decent chances and passing to spare. I’ve already made it clear I want Saad back on the top line, but if the production and chemistry works out, there’s not much I can say. We’ll see if Quenneville keeps them together…because the top line could still use Brandon Saad.

–On that note, there was some shitty passing and general disjointedness from the top line of Kunitz-Toews-Top Cat, which should surprise no one. Chris Kunitz did nothing to demonstrate that he belongs on the top line, which also should be the most obvious statement possible.

–Adam Boqvist had some nice moves, particularly in the first period when broke up a solid scoring chance, and managed to jump up in the play and have a scoring chance himself. He’s still just a kid and will likely be sent off to the juniors netherworld, but there maybe is some hope for a distant future of decent defensemen?

–Not Brandon Manning though. Tuulola and Carlsson (no, not the right Karlsson, it was a burr under my saddle all night) didn’t look great either, but ah who gives a shit. Foley had a lot of fun singing “Lo-lo-lo-lo-LOLA” though.

–We’re going to miss Corey Crawford this season. Now I know I said that Kunitz being subpar on the first line was the most obvious statement possible, but I was wrong. This one is the most obvious statement possible. Forsberg got hung out to dry a bit by inexperienced defensemen, but he and Lankinen would make the initial save, give up a rebound and blow it. It’s going to be a long one, folks.

–Character-from-an-Emily-Bronte-novel Mackenzie Entwistle scored in the second period, which is just fun to have a reason to say that guy’s name. It will quite possibly be the last time we do.

It’s only game two of the preseason, none of this REALLY makes a difference, and we know that the coaches are evaluating which of the young’ins will earn some of the last roster spots. But while there were some flashes of decency (hello, second line), there’s still a long way to go.

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You Share The Same Fate As The People You Hate – ’18-’19 Team Previews: Anaheim Ducks

By Sam Fels September 20, 2018 1955 0

They’re just never as bad as you or I want them to be. And they’ll be worse this year, but not bad enough.

While Bob Murray certainly had a hand in torching the Hawks on the ice in the late-90s, his work for the most part in Anaheim has been all right. Their depth has eroded, which happens to most teams, but they seem to keep producing youngsters who can at least step in and not have their brain drip out their ear. Corey Perry is now dead to match his stink, and Ryan Getzlaf will probably be an even bigger passenger than he was before if that’s even possible. Ryan Kesler may not even play, and that may not even be a bad thing.

And most of all, they play in a division that’s a car crash after the Sharks and maybe the Knights (let’s not just put their name in ink just yet until we see if Marc-Andre Fleury tosses up a .907 first). In any other division in hockey they’d struggle to make the playoffs. In this one, simply through Josh Gibson and their defense they probably don’t even have to worry about a wildcard spot, unless the Flames or Oilers get a wild hair on their ass. Let’s run it.

20187-2018: 44-25-13 101 points 235 GF 216 GA 48.6 CF% 48.4 xGF% 8.1 SH% .933 SV%

Goalies: Not only did the Ducks get John Gibson‘s best season, they got one of the better backup seasons in the league from Ryan “They Keep Calling Me” Miller. Gibson threw a .926 at the league and Miller supported that with a .928, which came in handy in 28 appearances. The Ducks get to run that back again this season.

That marked the third-straight season that Gibson was over .920 and second-straight over .927 at evens. As he’s only 25 and entering what you would think his peak would be, this is probably the norm and any team that can sport a .925 goalie every night is going to find it hard to be bad. Which is annoying because everyone, including everyone in Anaheim who would clearly like to be doing anything else but can’t because it’s fucking Orange County, would be happier if the Ducks were irrelevant.

If there’s one thing Gibson is going to have to overcome is an incomplete-at-best playoff resume, as he was silly putty against the Sharks last year and not much better against the Predators or Oilers the year before that. But the Ducks were so overmatched and outplayed by the Sharks I don’t think it matters anyway.

At 38, Miller has found a home as a backup, and the Ducks are one of the few teams that could survive an injury to their starter. You wouldn’t want Miller playing 50 games, but anything short of that is a boon.

Defense: On paper, this has a chance to be a pretty young, dynamic blue line. And yet…

You look at Hampus! Hampus!, Cam Fowler, Josh Manson, and Brandon Montour and you think, “Wow, that’s a lot of mobile, skilled d-men there.” And yet you watch the Ducks and you struggle to find a shit to give. Maybe it’s Randy Carlyle‘s system, but none of these guys pushed the play at a positive rate last year. Cam Fowler has mastered the “So What?” method his entire career. Really, only Manson and Hampus! Hampus! were weapons last season, and they don’t play as much as Fowler and Montour for reasons. If Manson and Hampus! Hampus! take the top pairing minutes and Fowler and Montour do a little more bum-slaying, it will be good. If Carlyle’s mush-brain gets in the way…

The third-pairing looks to be rookie Marcus Pettersson and glorified ent Andrej Sustr, who’s never done anything for anyone. Korbinian Holzer could return in March or so, if that’s something you want to wait for and believe me you don’t.

Forwards: If the Ducks were smart, or smarter, they’d have been trying to move Ryan Getzlaf and his inability to find a fuck to give anywhere down to the #2 center role at least two years ago. But they haven’t, counting on the gremlins and duct tape that Ryan Kesler was made out of to do all the hard work. Well, now thats not an option, and the Ducks will be rolling with essentially an older, balder, dumber, less-determined Jonathan Toews as their #1 center. Getzlaf managed 61 points in just 56 games last year, which would make you think he rediscovered his give-a-shit, but don’t you believe it. He got run over in the playoffs, which is his finisher, and you can count on him to do so again this year. And without Kesler around, he may have to take on harder assignments which he’ll have about as much interest in as your dog does of learning geometry.

Corey Perry died, and good riddance. Rickard Rakell is going to have to do a lot of the scoring to make the top line go, which makes his 34 goals last year pretty handy. Without Kesler, Adam Henrique will be the #2 center with Fifth Feather fave Andrew Cogliano and Jakob Silfverberg, which is a pretty nifty second-line except thanks to Perry’s rotting corpse and Getzlaf’s rotting want-to it’s probably the first line.

The depth after that falls off a cliff though, with really only Ondrej Kase having any level of NHL-success on the bottom six. If the top line misfires, there’s not going to be anyone to pick up the slack, and that’s even if Carlyle could be convinced to trust young kids. Troy Terry and Sam Steel come in with serious junior/college pedigree, and the four Ducks fans who actually know what’s going on will be livid when The Toast Maker is trying to cram Patrick Eaves in ahead of one of them.

Outlook: If Steel and Terry stick, this is a pretty young Ducks team below the top line. The goalies are good, and with the right coach the defense could be as well. But Perry is done, and Getzlaf has to pile up the points that end up not mattering if this team is going to score enough. Still, there is no softer landing than the Pacific., They’re not the Sharks, they’re probably not the Knights. But they’re better than whatever else is stuck to the pipes out west. Another playoff appearance awaits. Just don’t blink or you’ll miss it.

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Their Emblems Built of Garbage – ’18-’19 Blackhawks Player Previews: Artem Anisimov

By Rose Rankin September 20, 2018 1889 0

For the last six months, pretty much any time I’ve thought about Artem Anisimov I’ve thought of the word trade along with him. Obviously this is what I decided I wanted to have happen and now I’m fixated on it. But it isn’t just me who’s stuck on this idea. I mean, come on—a 3^rd line center (at best) for 4.5 million a year? A guy whose assists halved last year from the year before? A guy whose xGF% is 45.6%, meaning that the Hawks are more likely to have a goal scored against them when he’s on the ice than they are likely to score with him on the ice? At that price? But hey, this is the Hawks and no one can try to polish a turd longer than they can!

2017-18 Stats

72 GP – 20 G – 11 A

49.9 CF% – 52.8 oZS% – 47.2 dZS%

16:47 Avg. TOI

A Brief History. Once it became clear that the Hawks were going nowhere last year and that their blue line was absolute shit, people began salivating over the idea of unloading Anisimov’s contract to make cap space. But ‘ole Wide Dick hung around (for those of you who may not recall, he got the nickname Wide Dick Arty via a podcast last year when his skating style was described as looking like his dick was getting in the way…I don’t know how you guys walk around with those things). And he wasn’t completely useless, but with the development of Nick Schmaltz into a 2C Anisimov fell down the depth chart. Pat and Eddie never tired of extolling his ability to park his ass (and dick too, I suppose) in front of the net, and lo, he did score 11 power play goals, thanks to his ability to position himself there for garbage pickup. Given how wretched the power play was, this is not to be overlooked—but it’s still too much to pay for, when instead the Hawks should have a functioning power play that doesn’t solely rely on the elusive and overrated Annette Frontpresence.

It Was the Best of Times. I’d like to say the best-case scenario is they that trade Anisimov as part of a package for someone more useful, but unless it’s a trade deadline move that at this point I cannot divine what it would be, it doesn’t seem like that’s going to happen. We’re rolling into this season with this lineup, like it or not. And if no team has been dumb enough to take his contract yet, so why would they do so now? No, the best-case scenario here that Anisimov can be on the second power play unit and continue scoring some garbage goals, and that he’s mildly useful either in the 3 or 4C spot, depending on how Marcus Kruger bounces back (or doesn’t). Not fucking up royally is about the best outcome here.

It Was the BLURST of Times. What would be the worst situation? Wow, let’s just let our minds wander…he’s on the second line, he’s moved to wing, Schmaltz is hurt and he’s just so slow I DON’T WANT TO I DON’T LIKE IT. The worst-case scenario is really that Anisimov gets a lot of playing time anywhere other than the third line. And that better players get stuck with him (again, Top Cat is NOT a third-liner).

Prediction. Most likely, Wide Dick has a repeat performance from last year. He’s the 3C, with Kruger handling the main defensive duties for the bottom two centers, he’s got a rotating cast of wingers, including EggShell, Kampf, maybe Chris Kunitz, depending on how it all shakes out. Arty scores around 20 goals (probably a little less), half of which come on the power play as he parks his ass in front of the net (when he can skate that far) and gets lucky occasionally. He doesn’t bring much value to the team and his cap space would be better used elsewhere, but he doesn’t actively pour gasoline on the tire fire, either. He’s not even supposed to BE here today anyway.

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Duncan Keith

Connor Murphy

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Alex DeBrincat

Chris Kunitz

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You Share The Same Fate As The People You Hate – ’18-’19 Team Previews: Washington Capitals

By Matt McClure September 19, 2018 2081 0

Oh yeah, these guys. While the Capitals finally hoisting the Cup last season was basically the equivalent of Denzel winning an Oscar for Training Day or Scorsese winning for The Departed, they certainly didn’t celebrate like a team that beat an expansion franchise, and to be fair, they did take out the top seed in the conference Lightning and the two-time defending champion and arch-nemesis in the form of the very tired Penguins, so the names won’t be ground out of the silver any time soon. Last season’s champions return mostly in tact, if more than a little bit dehydrated.

’17-’18: 49W-26L-7OT 256GF 239GA 22.5%PP 80.3%PK 47.96%CF 9.19SH% .9248SV%

Goaltending: Last year was finally the year that Braden Holtby broke under years of tremendous workloads, with sub .900 months of January and Febrary, ceding much of the home stretch of the season to Philipp Grubauer, who even started the playoffs in Round 1 against Columbus. But as Grubauer faltered, a somewhat rested Holtby was able to return to form and posted a .922 overall the remainder of the post season. With Grubauer shipped to Colorado for a second round pick, Holtby will now be backed up by something called Pheonix Copley (yes, that’s how his name is spelled) who has allowed 6 goals on the 35 shots he’s faced in the NHL since 2016. While Barry Trotz and his propensity for grinding goalies into dirt might be gone (due to some of the dumbest ass reasons ever), Holtby might have to play 70 games again out of necessity. He’s always generally been up to the task as one of the most consistent and stable goalies in the league and has a Vezina to prove it, but the modern game just simply can’t ask goalies to play that much.

Defensemen: Someone was going to pay John Carlson an exorbitant amount of money this past off season, particularly after the playoff run he had where he scored 5 goals and 20 total points from the back end, and given that the Caps actually walked away with hardware this time, it makes a certain degree of sense that it would be them to keep the home grown product in the fold. Carlson is the de facto #1 defenseman here, and he’s certainly paid like it, but it’s the goddamnedest thing that his game picked up right around the time that the Capitals acquired Michal Kempny from a long-out-of-it team with a coach that somehow couldn’t or wouldn’t figure out how to properly use him. Kempny’s coming out party in the post season earned him a contract of $2.5 per over four years, which will be an absolute steal if he plays the way he did in Washington post-trade. Matt Niskanen and Dmitry Orlov provide a fair amount of offensive punch themselves, however one of them is still going to be dragging around what’s left of the wheelbarrow full of cinder blocks that is Brooks Orpik. Orpik was traded, bought out, and resigned back with Washington for $1 million for this year, which probably figures to be his last as he turns 38 a week from today. It’s a solid grouping, but it still kind of hinges on Michal Kempny not being a fluke.

Forwards: The strong suit of any team that has Alexander Ovechkin on it. The sheer firepower that Ovechkin has produced in his career, particularly having occurred in this era, has been poured over at length in this space. Having just turned 33 on Monday, he’s not quite the force of nature that he once was, but he can still basically get whatever he wants on the ice whenever he wants it, even if he probably didn’t fully deserve the Conn Smythe he was awarded in June, which should have gone to Evgeny Kuznetsov and his 32 post season points. Kuzya’s emergence has given the Caps some true center depth as Nicklas Backstrom ages gracefully into a slighly reduced role as a #2 center, and Lars Eller slots in nicely as a #3. Timothy Jimothy Leif predictably did not put up the Mike Bossy-esque shooting percentage numbers last year that he did in his contract year, and the game he plays at 31 would indicate that age is going to hit him in a hurry when it finally catches up, and a summer of being dick in the dirt drunk probably won’t help that. Andrei Burakovsky will be counted on to take the next step while providing some size on the wing, and Brett Connolly and Jakub Vrana will certainly contribute some zest from the bottom six. Tom Wilson is now paid $5.16 million dollars a year to attempt to injure other players and generally be a pus-seeping carbunkle on the ass of the league.

Outlook: After the absolutely boneheaded decision to not pay Barry Trotz like the top tier head coach that he always has been in the wake of his and the franchise’s first Cup, and Todd Reirden has subsequently been giving his first ever head coaching job as Trotz has fucked off to Long Island/Brooklyn/wherever they play. Given how publicly and infamously the Capitals partied this year, having a rookie coach in the room doesn’t exactly seem like a great way to get everyone back on task to making another run at things. This team is still stacked given the restraints the salary cap imposes, but it took a lot of tread off the tires just to get to #1, and they may just not have it in them anymore. Given the personnel, the team can only get so bad, and they’ll probably ride Holtby until he collapses in the regular season which could very well win them an iffy division, but in all likelihood everyone will probably run out of gas by the time the inevitable post-season matchup with the Penguins comes around again.

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Their Emblems Built of Garbage – ’18–’19 Blackhawks Player Previews – Chris Kunitz

By John Pullega September 19, 2018 2010 0

If you believe that time is a flat circle, then there are two signings that make perfect sense. One is Brandon Manning, whose performance Q recently described in an after-camp interview as pleasing in the same breath as saying that Jokiharju will need to work on his decision-making if he wants to make the team. The other is Chris Kunitz. He came into the league when the Hawks were really bad and, barring a lot of ifs becoming yeses, will likely go out of the league when the Hawks are really bad.

2017–18 Stats

82 GP – 13 G, 16 A

50.2 CF%, 46.8 oZS%

Avg. TOI 11:57

A Brief History: Kunitz has been playing professional hockey since 2004. And believe it or not, he’s played mostly good hockey by the numbers over 14 years. Kunitz is a rare combination of GRITHEARTFAAAAAAAAART and actual talent, and unlike many other plugs teams sign simply because DEY WERE ON DA TEAM DAT WON DA CUP SO DEY KNOW HOWDA WIN, Kunitz usually contributed to his team’s success in ways that didn’t get the blood pumping to Mike Milbury’s gnarled shillelagh. Over all four Cup runs, he posted a healthy 51.5 CF% and contributed 29 points (five goals, 24 assists). His career 55 CF% is nice, and reflects both the talent he’s played with (Crosby, Malkin et al.) and the 55.4 oZS% he’s accrued over his career.

So what the silly shit is he doing in Chicago?

Last year saw Kunitz in a full-fledged fourth-line grinder role. For only the third time in his career, he started more often in the defensive zone than the offensive zone. Despite spending just 46.8% of his time on the offensive side of the ice, Kunitz still posted a 50.2 CF% with the infinitely talented Ning. He also scored 29 points, which would have made him #8 in the Hawks’s scoring totals last year, just two points off Artem Anisimov.

Given his contract this year (one year, $1 million) and usage last year, Kunitz would have been a no-doubt improvement for the Hawks on the fourth line. He’s a bit long in the tooth, but he can still be a gigantic boil on his opponents’ asses in terms of agitation and offensive production.

The problem, of course, is that Joel Quenneville has no intention (and perhaps no option) to use him as he should be used. Early in camp, he’s on the top line with Jonathan Toews. With all the what-have-you about how Toews needs to up his scoring if the Hawks want to stand a chance, it’s hard to understand how having Kunitz on his left side helps him do that. Kunitz is slower and less handsy than he was in his heyday. Maybe, if you really, REALLY squint, you can justify having him on the right side next to Alex DeBrincat and Toews, but if it’s come to that, then this year is already a burning clown car with a stuck horn.

And of course, in the organ-I-zation’s constant attempt to tie their own hands behind their backs while pissing into a headwind, Kunitz has a No Movement Clause. So, if he manages to have a decent year and turns into trade bait, he will have all the leverage in picking which team the Hawks can even potentially trade him to. That’s fine from a high-level players’ rights lens, but I don’t see any reason why the Hawks had to give him an NMC in the first place, and I’ve given up on trying to figure it out.

It Was the Best of Times: There might still be some gas in Kunitz’s tank. In a best-case scenario, he hunkers down the fourth line with Marcus Kruger and I guess John Hayden, and they serve as a strong shutdown line with a bit of scoring flair in Kunitz and Hayden. In small doses, Kunitz plays on the right side of the first line with Toews and DeBrincat, playing the role of Annette Frontpresence and taking the Wide Dick route of having Toews and DeBrincat fire shots at him instead of the net. He scores 15–20 points by the trade deadline and agrees to a trade to Toronto for a second- or third-round pick in 2019.

It Was the BLURST of Times: Kunitz spends most of his time on Toews’s left side, which is where DeBrincat should be if Q is dead-set against throwing Top Cat–Schmaltz by the Bowlful–Garbage Dick out there regularly (and of course he is). This means that either DeBrincat has to play on the right side (recall that even though Top Cat is righthanded, he’s goofy-footed in that he’s more comfortable on the left wing) or, god forbid, on the third line again. When approached by upper management about a trade, Kunitz declines.

Prediction: With this team looking more and more like the West Lake Landfill—which, I shit you not, is a smoldering landfill fire approaching a radioactive waste dump outside of St. Louis, a more apt metaphor for that dogshit city I cannot think of—I suspect Kunitz will play more time than anyone wants on the top line. But with Dominik Kahun promising to fuck off back to Germany if he’s not on the team this year, maybe Q does DeBrincat–Toews–Kahun (which is a problem itself) and lets Kunitz troll around the bottom six, which is where he belongs at this point in his career.

The nice thing about Kunitz is that he’s fine. He’ll be OK if in the bottom six, frustrating on the top line. Much like how this season looks to bode, his presence is an overall shoulder shrug, a constant reminder that nothing gold can stay.

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Corey Crawford

Cam Ward

Duncan Keith

Connor Murphy

Brent Seabrook

Brandon Manning

Jan Rutta

Erik Gustafsson

Henri Jokiharju

Nick Schmaltz

Alex DeBrincat

Everything Else

You Share The Same Fate As The People You Hate – ’18-’19 Team Previews: Pittsburgh Penguins

By Sam Fels September 18, 2018 2032 0

It’s kind of startling how quickly you can become an afterthought in the NHL. We’re only a year removed from the Pittsburgh Penguins being two-time defending champs (clap for them) and at times looking like a third was a distinct possibility. But when you finally succumb to the fatigue and your long-time plaything in the Capitals, suddenly no one remembers your name. Despite them still having perhaps two of the best five centers of all-time, a goalie with two rings, a consistent 30-goals scorer on the third fucking line, and quite possibly the best center-depth in the East.

It’s a strange world, this.

And yet, because it’s kind of the same team that didn’t get it done last year, with a much worse player in defense which we’ll get to, it’s whole “You’re Falling Behind If You’re Standing Still” thing. Let’s run it through.

2017-2018: 47-29-6 100 points 272 GF 250 GA 52.2 CF% 52.6 xGF% 7.2 SH% .910 SV% (ES)

Goalies: Here’s something strange to say about a goalie with two Cup runs under his belt: We still don’t know what Matt Murray is. That’s because we only have two regular seasons to deal with, and even in both of those injuries limited him to just 49 games in each. Two years ago he was really damn good. Last year he was very much not. How do you know where to go with that?

Of course, a young goalie having a rough sophomore year is no obstacle to eventual greatness, as every Blackhawks fans should be able to tell you now. And much like football and its quarterbacks, it’s a real advantage if you can have a young, really good goalie for cheap because that’s money you can spend elsewhere before the bill comes due for what’s between the pipes (and one day, goalies are going to get paid market value and there will be several making over $10 million, because they’re that important).

We know Murray is fragile, but beyond that we’re just going to have to find out. We know that there’s greatness in there somewhere, and inconsistency in there as well. As a goalie who can rely on his athleticism too much and end up somewhere near the parking lot sometimes, he’s still learning his angles and anticipation. Sadly, it doesn’t look like he’ll get much help from his defense this time around.

Backing him up is Tristan Jarry, who was basically “there” as a backup last year. Let’s just say if Murray turns out to be Ondrej Pavelec more than Carey Price, the Penguins are going to be pissing up a rope (the only actual good Ween song and go fuck yourself).

Defense: WHY DOES ANYONE EVER THINK JACK JOHNSON IS GOOD HE MOST CERTAINLY IS NOT PLEASE STOP DOING THIS TO YOUR FANS AND TEAM AND REALLY SOCIETY!!!

The Penguins signed Jack Johnson this summer, because they thought he was the guitarist, or because the concise rhythm of his name makes you think he’s good, or you’re actually thinking of the boxer, or you think d-men with big, round, dumb faces have to be good even though Braydon Coburn has been disproving that for nigh-on eight years now. Not only that, they gave this dipshit $3.2 million until he’s 36, even though he’s bad and slow and dumb now. And he’s going to have to take second-pairing minutes while Justin Schultz looks at him quizzically. It’s important to note that Justin Schultz looks at everyone quizzically, because that’s just his face.

It’s even stranger because the Pens had their big, dumb face quota filled on the blue line by another overrated, slow player in Olli Maatta, who I guess will be restricted to only third-pairing assignments, something he’s proven he can handle but that’s it. They think they’ve unearthed something in Jamie Oleksiak. They haven’t.

Which once again means Brian Dumoulin and Kris Letang, for the four minutes something hasn’t fallen off of him, are going to have to shoulder the load in every possible situation. They’ve done it before I guess, but Letang is now 31 with an awful lot of miles and an awful lot of ailments and one wonders when all the king’s horses and all the king’s men are going to arrive and pronounce him DOA. This is clearly the Penguins’ weakness. And they weren’t a good defensive team last year and have added Jack Fucking Johnson. Then again, they weren’t really a good defensive team two years ago and won the damn thing.

#EndHockey

Forwards: The Penguins can get away with a lot of things most teams can’t at the same time because for two-thirds of any game they can throw out Sidney Crosby or Evgeni Malkin. It’s just that simple. That’s 180 points right there, easy. They’re still here, they’re still really good, and as long as that’s the case it’s nearly impossible for the Penguins to be bad.

They’re still accompanied by a host of forwards we can’t be sure are any good but are smart enough to be where Malkin and Crosby need them, otherwise known as “The Marchand Method.” Jake Guentzel scores, I don’t know he does anything else. Bryan Rust is another. Dominik Simon joins the ranks. Carl Hagelin is really fast, and maybe nothing else, but here it works.

Phil Kessel is still around, and he’ll pour in 30 goals without breaking a sweat. Like, literally. And he’ll be a grumpy asshole about it and it’ll be awesome. I hope the Pens win again and beat the Leafs on the way and Kessel misses the Final because he’s too busy walking around Toronto, pointing at people and laughing. This will be the only good ending to the season possible.

Derick Brassard spells his first name wrong and has never been as good as people have wanted him to be, but he’s a damn fine #3 center. He’s not exactly a checking-type though, which means Crosby will have to do more firefighting than he has in the past, because Riley Sheahan blows goats. Whatever, this is still a really fast and skilled outfit that set the new style in motion, and they’re still going to get the puck the fuck up there and score before you can set up and that’s probably good enough for another 100 points at least.

Outlook: The Metro has a few good teams but no great ones. The Penguins have more questions than they’ve had before, but they still have those two guys. You can see them winning the division, getting a sweetheart first-round matchup before yet another kerfluffle with the Caps. You could see them finishing third or fourth in the division, too, as the miles catch up and Matt Murray continues to try and do a rubix cube in the dark.

They’re not as good as any of the Big Two in the Atlantic. But they don’t have to be. They just have to beat them in a series if it comes to that. Really, anything is possible for this team.

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