Well it’s my first Hatecap for my new home, but before we start I’d like to say a few words about a special creature. We gather here to mourn the loss of Barret Jackman, who finally went off to take tickets at that parking lot carnival in the sky. Hatecaps will truly never be the same without that concussively loud shart of a hockey player to make fun of. I can’t say I’ll miss him, exactly, but I certainly hope his herpes sores burn extra hot in hell.
To the game: It’s Wednesday Night Rivalry, also known as the night where NBCSN tries to convince a nation of drooling idiots that David Backes is worth paying more than half a second of attention to. I get it – he’s the Blues’ emotional leader. He’s also probably the 4th best forward on the team at this point if not worse. If it’s not a feature about his bizarre obsession with strange dogs there’s literally no reason to talk about David Backes. Collect your 40 points and playoff flame out at the door. Here are your keys. Drive fast and take chances.
As for the hockey, the game couldn’t have gotten off to a better start for the Hawks as a quick strike from Marko Dano thanks to a strong Ryan Hartman/Tanner Kero forecheck put them up 1-0 right away. Alex Steen quickly tied it on a weird bounce off a Colton “Burpo” Parayko shot that no one could do anything about.
Andrew Shaw immediately drew a penalty shot from our new pal Colton Burpo and inexplicably buried it. Burpo taketh and Burpo giveth away.
Burpo reminds me of Sweet Dee’s idiot boyfriend from the army who just does everything she says like sitting in a hot car in the summer with the windows up for hours at a time. He’s got a look on his face like the voices in his head are trying to teach him advanced calculus in Romanian.
My Special Boy Teuvo scored soon after – standing in front of the net where he easily put a rebound past Brian “Impressive On The Road” Elliott after a Trevor Daley shot found its way through.
Elliott was quickly pulled and then got Ken Hitchcock’s best version of the Gettysburg Address before he was put right back in. I’m not a hockey expert but I’ve never seen that in a non-injury, non-pooping situation.
The Blues quickly answered as Daley was backpedaling until he was just shoved out of the way of Robby Fabbri’s wrister. Brent Seabrook quickly made it 4-2 and ended Elliott’s night for good this time. Patrick Kane’s power play goal made it 5-2 before we heard a buzzer. A remarkable offensive outburst from a team that recently didn’t score an even strength goal for 32 decades in a row.
I guess it’d be easy to say the game turned when Hartman couldn’t convert on Kero’s wonderful pass. But it’s probably not that simple.
The Blues ground the game down in the 2nd and were able to find three goals via various methods such as a weird bounce, a power play breakdown, and Corey Crawford just not getting to the post. It seemed like the Hawks lost their legs in the middle frame after countless odd man rushes and scoring chances in the first. The Hawks couldn’t capitalize on a couple 3rd period power plays and the even strength play continued to resemble someone trying to put a smaller glove on top of a bigger glove. As an added bonus, Elliott’s complete meltdown probably helped Hitchcock figure out that Jay Gallon is the better goalie. And after Kane made it 5-2, he stabilized the Blues in net and probably won them the game.
But let’s also be clear: this was a night to forget for Corey Crawford. I’m sure all his fans were out in full force on Twitter tonight and I’m glad I wasn’t around to see it. But he has to be better than this and he certainly will be. This was a stinker.
Some miscellany:
-Looks like Ryan Reaves’ braining of Anze Kopitar last night was enough to finally give Magnus Paajarvi a chance to play. The internet loves this dude but there’s a reason he continues to languish in the minors. At some point he’ll get traded and waived and people who think they’re smarter than literally every GM and professional talent evaluator will moan about his lack of a chance. 32 goals in 229 NHL games seems like a fair shake to me. This guy sucks.
-St. Louis has a guy named Edmonson but I kept thinking Doc was saying “Edmonton” and it’s cool to hear the names of two teams that have the same amount of playoff series victories since 2006.
-Backes shoving Toews into the net after watching him streak past for a breakaway is the best metaphor for the US vs. Canada world hockey “rivalry” that there could ever be. What a fucking embarrassment this man is to our country.
-When Doc said the name Scott Gomez with less than a minute to go in the first period my asshole almost prolapsed.
-Where were you when you heard that Troy Brouwer has been in the NHL for 10 years? I was busy researching what I want written on my tombstone.
-Steve Ott went to the locker room injured and didn’t return. I assume he had to get emergency skin grafts to reapply human skin to his tentacles.
What do we take from this game? For me, it’s clear the Hawks carried the play for most of the game but fell asleep in the middle of it. The Blues capitalized. Corey Crawford was awful while Jay Gallon’s introduction put the Blues in a better mindset. Knowing every 3rd shot isn’t going to be in the back of the net breeds confidence. Who knew.
Next up, the Hawks travel to New Jersey for a Friday night game that everyone will forget ever happened the second it ends. Feel free to comment or follow me @AndrewCieslak on Twitter – just keep in mind I’m not nearly as nice as Sam.
